The session begins with a quiet DM sitting as far away from the microphone as possible. THIS is gonna be a long transcription.

Aliarra: Maybe for Christmas we should all go in on that giant castle DM screen.

For the record, the DM screens currently in use are a pair of Birthright screens which have literally no useful information recorded on them for this campaign. The characters quickly level, and both the martial adepts hit triple-digit HP, to their delight. Hanzo bemoans his saves because he’s Reflex-good only, till the other players point out that that’s standard.

Hanzo: Nobody at this table ever fails a saving throw! Except me!
Aliarra: I KNOW.
Aiden: I’ve failed every Reflex save, bar none.
Hanzo: And how bad has it hurt your lizard?
DM: You’re the ONLY one who saw through the illusory pit.

Silence.

Cissy: Ah! Ah ha!
Hanzo: Wait, the – oh, in the tower? When things went crazy?
DM: You’re the only one who saw through it. Everyone else thought they were plummeting to the ground.
Hanzo: Oh yeah. I didn’t even get to enjoy that, as I recall… I didn’t take a round or two to be like, “Oh, this is golden.”

As is typical, the group begins by mocking the memories of their childhood, in television form, then patting their backs on their success with the elk-having druid.

Mrrshalka: Elf jerky, hooray for Ignir!

The group realizes they don’t know their experience score (beyond ‘enough for next level’. Hitler sidetracks the conversation for a while. Drusila reveals she has a mere 36 HP, leading to mockery.

Aliarra: One good Disintegrate and Drusila’s dead.
DM: What are your saving throws?
Drusila: 3 [Fort], 12 [Reflex], 4 [Will].
Aliarra: One mediocre Disintegrate and Drusila’s dead.
Aiden: One easy death word and Drusila’s dead. (pausing) One easy death word and most of us are dead.

The group proposes that Drusila’s character be banned from having a high Wisdom, while Aiden finally grasps the optimization concept of how Con is NEVER a dump stat. (Aliarra, having long ago moved to advance optimization concepts, mocks the samurai class.)

DM: The fight is yours. You have an unconscious, nearly-dead druid, and meat to last you ages…
Aliarra: I believe we were going to take the druid back to the lumber camp.
Aiden: For proper judgment.
Aliarra: For frontier judgment, let’s face it.
Aiden: For PROPER judgment.

The group starts attempting to tie the druid up, before Aliarra stops in sudden concern.

Aliarra: We’re just gonna have keep this druid unconscious.
DM: Every mile -- (mimes a clonk on the head)
Drusila: Why is that?
Aliarra: Okay, imagine what happens when he wakes up.
Drusila: Roar?
Aliarra: Possibly, or poof! (miming a bird flying away)
Drusila: How do you propose we keep him unconscious, then?
Mrrshala: (mimes a clonk on the head) Bap!
Aliarra: We’re just going to have to keep applying liberal amounts of subdual damage to his skull.
DM: He’s going to have so many knots on his head.
Aliarra: I don’t have any weapons that aren’t pointy.
Hanzo: Your fist.
Aliarra: It’s got a spiked gauntlet on it, it’s pointy!
Drusila: “Aliarra, here!” Drusila tosses you her sap.
Hanzo: It’s a spiked sap! Everything we have has spikes! Spiked whips, spiked saps, spiked throwing stars – wait, that’s redundant.
Aliarra: Spiked sling stones. My staff is just bristling, every square inch of it.
Hanzo: I have spikes in my ninja mask, I’m like Shredder, except less cool.
Aliarra: Spiked greatclub, it’s a bigass baseball bat with a nail through it.

The discussion sidetracks into the proper pronunciation of ‘ranseur’ and guisarme. Mrrshala gets appointed to carry the druid, because Ignir is too vengeful, Aiden and Drusila too weak, and Aliarra too pointy.

Aliarra: It’s too bad I lost my damn mule when we were escaping town, that would’ve solved a lot of problems.
DM: Hee-haw!
Aliarra: It would’ve created others, but not for me. (thrusting a block of cheese at Drusila) Here, have some cheddar.
Drusila: (backs way the hell up)
Aliarra: Huh. Cheddar repels Russians. I did not know that.
Drusila: No, stinky cheese!
Aliarra: The Cold War would’ve been a lot different if we’d known that.

The group actually greets Drusila, who tells them that she’d been following her father into the forest after he’d taken it into his head to follow a map on a quest. Sensing plot from this map, which leads into the mountains, Aliarra asks the book of Kalroth for map context, but it provides no useful information.

Cissy: “Hey Mrrshala, want some help carrying that body?”
Mrrshala: “What’re you gonna do, drag him on the ground?”
Cissy: “No, actually I was gonna cast Floating Disc, lets me carry up to 800 pounds for eight hours.”
Drusila: (making a whip motion) “Oh sorry Cissy, didn’t mean to hit you, something made me do it!”
Aliarra: Excellent, the mind-control is taking root.

The map conveniently has instructions from Drusila’s grandfather, indicating that the treasure at the map end belongs to a sect of old-god worshippers. Pleased at this alleged coincidence, the group now has its lead. However, they still have to get back to camp, and night is swiftly falling.

DM: So, who’s taking watch and who’s taking sap duty?
Aliarra: I’ll take first watch.
Drusila: Whoever is on watch, sap this dude.
Hanzo: We’re gonna give brain damage to this druid, knocking him unconscious every couple of hours for a whole day.
Aliarra: Well, if we had a sleeping potion or something.
Hanzo: Hmmmmm…
Aliarra: You’re not there. You’re getting drunk.
Hanzo: I just wanted to see if I had some for sweet irony, now.
Aliarra: We could’ve poisoned his Con down to zero or something, I dunno…

The group fights over watch orders, before remembering they’d all teamed up to get the teamwork benefit of having a half-elf along, which is only needing two hours of sleep.

DM: Aliarra, you take the first watch… and goatse all over the place.
Hanzo: Ew.
Aiden: Aliarra, you die before your watch is over.
Cissy: Roll a new character!
Aliarra: All right, here’s my new character, Baliarra.
Hanzo: Aliarra with a cowboy hat.

Something disturbs Aliarra on watch – an elk. It watches, but keeps its distance. Aliarra watches it with extreme paranoia.

Aliarra: No, I think this elk is trying to trick me. It’s going to distract me while the rest of them sneak around and rescue the druid.
Aiden: They’re not raptors!
DM: Time passes and nothing else seems to happen.
Aiden: They’re just waiting for the weak link to be on watch.
Aliarra: I jab Drusila with the butt end of my guisarme.
Aiden: Speaking of which…
DM: And this party will hate elk from here on out. Fantastic!

A second elk shows up on Drusila’s watch, but does nothing. Drusila moves on to the next watch – which no one knows who it is.

Aliarra: Aliarra selfishly takes the first watch because she likes uninterrupted sleep as well.
DM: So you’re waking up Mrrshala.
Aliarra: We decided to give Cissy a pass? Aliarra wakes in a rage. “SHE’LL PULL HER WEIGHT!”
Drusila: Also, Drusila doesn’t really trust the newcomer, so she wakes up Mrrshala—
Cissy: What newcomer, man? I’ve been here! YOU came up out of nowhere!
Aliarra: Welp, this is a bromance in the making.
Drusila: What’s the girl version of bromance?
Hanzo: Lesbians.

Drusila and Mrrshala has a brief conversation about Cissy’s trustworthiness, most of which is unclear because they’re on the other side of the room.

Mrrshala: “Where’s the druid?”
Drusila: “Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” (makes a clonking motion)
DM: (smiling wickedly)
Aliarra: I assumed it was being – assumed!
DM: I’m kidding!
Aliarra: Asshole! Don’t be me!
DM: (bursts into hysterical laughter)
Aliarra: No one should be me. I wouldn’t want to play in a game run by me, god damn it.
DM: Why would you admit something like that?

Drusila creeps into the forest while Mrrshala makes her usual sensing-doom rolls. The context for the following line is completely lost.

Aliarra: Ah! I’m the Arkham City Penguin for some reason! Oh god!
DM: (to Drusila) As you get closer, one turns to you and huffs.
Drusila: Ah, whatever.
Hanzo: It is impossible to faze Drusila…
Drusila: She’s not sneaking towards them, she’s climbing up the hill.
DM: Yeah, one turned to you and huffed at you.
Drusila: Keeping an eye on it, she’s gonna sneak up—
Aliarra: Sneak my ass, Drusila!
Aiden: They SAW you, did you not get the hint?

Drusila and the DM squabble for a bit about the placement of trees and the hill, while a third elk shows up at the end of Mrrshala’s watch.

Drusila: Stick the dead elk heads outside the camp. Teach them! Show them what we can do!
Mrrshala: No…
Aliarra: I don’t know, I’m liking this plan…

Ignir abruptly volunteers for the last watch, which everyone – OOC – thinks is a terrible idea that will end with them waking up to him being on the brink of death in pitched combat with dozens of elk. Nevertheless they allow it, and Ignir wakes them all up as the sun rises. Drusila rolls to cook breakfast!

Drusila: I got a 25 on my bake check.
Aliarra: Drusila invents scones.
DM: Again.
Drusila: The main ingredient is pine cones.

Cissy sends off her bat to ask other bats for information. The other players look baffled at this turn of events.

Aliarra: The bats look evasive. When your bat presses them for information, a caped and cowled man leaps out, cries “I am the night!”…

The players attempt to figure out a better way to restrain the druid, but no one has a human-sized sack (unsurprisingly). Drusila threatens to bake him into a cake. They continue on towards the logging camp, making it without incident.

DM: Two or three hours later, you see the encampment ahead of you.
Mrrshala: (like a special-needs dward) ENCAMPMENT!
Drusila: And we stride forward, singing a jaunty tune. “We found the druid in the woods, we knocked him in the head!”
DM: You stride forward, Drusila singing a jaunty tune.
Drusila: “Baking is my talent, but I like to sing instead!”
Aliarra: “Please put some ranks in it, ‘cuz we wish we were dead!”

The PCs laboriously explain the powers of the druid, as well as the evil the druid was attempting to wreak on them – in third person, they refuse to exposit it out.

Aiden: We look to the sign, it says, “Whatever that druid’s name is Official Logging Camp.” This logging camp is okay. We look down a ways, there’s his enemy’s logging camp, burning, fires…
Aliarra: Oh THAT’s a failed Gather Information check for you…
Aiden: Just, “Druid’s Official Logging Camp.”
Aliarra: A-OK.
Aiden: Nature-Approved.
Aliarra: The True Neutral Seal of Approval. Just “T. N. Thumbs Up.”

Drusila’s father is up and conscious, and they triumphantly reunite. Then Drusila chews him out violently. The group formally takes over the ‘sect quest’, and Drusila inquires about sending him back to town on a caravan. They banter about the next caravan being a couple days out before Aliarra abruptly sits up, having remembered something.

Aliarra: “Um, uh, um, I’m not sure the city is safe at the moment. When we left there was kind of a magical catastrophe going on.”
Drusila: “You’re shitting me, what?”
Mrrshala: “No, she’s not.”
Aiden: “Everything turned against everybody. Magic is taking over the world, I can only assume we have to go on an arcane revolution. Only divine magics allowed left.”
Drusila: “No, I still think you’re shitting me…”

The players recount to Drusila the story of their adventure in the mage tower. It inevitably becomes a Ghostbusters reference.

Hanzo: The dead rising from their graves! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!
Aliarra: …I don’t think we had the first two…
Aiden: That would’ve been cool, if we had the dogs-and-cats-living-together floor.
Aliarra: Make a Will save against it being wrong!
Drusila: “We have to go back! The bakery!”
Aiden: “It’s gone. There’s a crater there now.”
Aliarra: “Cissy, if you manage to mute Aiden, I will have a lot more respect for you.”
Cissy: “….Mutate?”
Aliarra: Mute! Mute! Although mutate would be pretty cool.
Hanzo: Give him another head…
Aliarra: I cast Mordenkainen’s Genetic Tampering…

Aliarra and Drusila get in an argument over which is more important – saving the world or saving the city.

Aliarra: “We were specifically requested to continue on our path by… both… What’s-his-ass the smoke-blowing guy we all really love…”
DM: Denelos.
Aliarra: ”Denelos, and Faldoun. They assured us they would have it under control.”
DM: (humming and making motions as if toying with a necklace)
Drusila: “Well we ought to go then, because I’m getting impatient.”
Aliarra: “There’s a shock.”
DM: La la la…necklace there…
Aliarra: What? We’ve got the necklace, I know, but I assume Denelos doesn’t want us wasting his time just randomly contacting him.
DM: “So hey, how’s it going?” “WHAT DO YOU WANT!”
Aliarra: He’s in the middle of casting this epic-level spell, takes ten rounds to cast, suddenly on round nine someone’s like “Blah blah blah”. Natural 1 on the Concentration check, city is leveled…
DM: “It’s not going so good, guys… in fact, uh, in fact I’m leaving this plane of existence. See you all later!”
Aliarra: We go back, the city is literally turned into smoke from the backlash…

The loggers warned, the group sets off without delay towards the X on the map. Ignir, who actually has the skills to DO that, leads. For no apparent reason, the game grinds to a halt for several reason – someone might have been in the bathroom, or everyone might be confused over fast-march movement. Ignir is so much faster that the group has no recourse but to hustle after him, with Aiden spamming his healing bursts to counteract the subdual damage. Drusila gives Aliarra crap about her 20’ move in plate mail.

Drusila: Drusila’s going to walk about forty feet ahead so she can keep an ear out, because obviously she can’t hear anything over Aliarra crashing through the forest.
Aliarra: And she can’t SEE anything except for Aliarra’s extended middle fingers.

The DM calls for Spot and Listen checks, which Drusila blows away. The DM, who’d just been calling these checks for paranoia purposes, considers rewarding these amazing rolls with a random encounter.

DM: No, no… she scared off the random encounter.
Drusila: We were able to avoid it.
Aliarra: There was a lurking bandit camp, Drusila just walks past and waves, they’re like, “…aww, we’re bad bandits.”
DM: She shouts something out in thieves’ cant, they’re like, “Awww.”

Still frustrated with their slow movement speed relative to Ignir, the PCs bed down for the night with dreams of making a levitating cart – or one enchanted with the skating power.

DM: Cissy, Spot and Listen please, as you take your watch.
Aliarra: If there’s elk… actually that’s why I put Cissy on first watch, I figure if elk show up she’ll go renegade on them.
Cissy: Spot… 12. Listen… 35.
DM: Your watch passes uneventfully. You go to wake up the next person.
Cissy: FIREBALL!
Aliarra: Not in the middle of camp, you’d hit everybody!
Cissy: Fine. Orb of Acid. “HEY ALIARRA! ALIARRA WAKE UP IT’S YOUR TURN FOR WATCH! ARE YOU AWAKE! ARE YOU AWAKE?!”
Aliarra: “SLEEP TIME FOR YOU!” (miming a sap) We’ll have a nice warm bed as I through Cissy into the middle of the flames!

The watches pass uneventfully until Drusila hears the flapping of wings. No one can see the source and most of them can’t even hear it, but nothing seems to come of it. Drusila cooks elk for breakfast.

Drusila: Elk bacon and elk sausage. Oh no, I guess that’s not really baking, so elk pie…
Cissy: “ARE WE THERE YET? HOW ‘BOUT NOW?”
DM: You continue on, the hours tick down
Cissy: “ARE WE THERE YET?”
Aiden: I have declared her my foes. What’s your alignment?
Cissy: …Chaotic Neutral.
Aiden: All right, what’s my caster level…? You take 10 damage and you are deafened.
DM: Oh don’t do that, she’ll just start trying to hear herself…
Hanzo: Sound lance, damn it, sound lance!
Aliarra: You liquefy the toad.
Hanzo: It was Jeremiah.
Aliarra: Jeremiah was a tana’ri. He was a good friend of mine. I didn’t speak Abyssal, but I helped him drink his wine… (bursting into helpless and oddly extended laughter) I don’t know why I’m laughing so hard…

Aliarra’s laughter sets off Hanzo, which makes Aliarra laugh harder. The group reaches the mountains too late to properly venture into them, and settle in for another night of watches. On Aliarra’s watch, she spots a fearsome Large creature advancing towards the camp… it’s Ignir, reporting that he found a path.

Aliarra: “Will we be able to get Drusila up it tomorrow before her disease advances too far?”
DM: “Uh, yes.”
Aliarra: …Did he seriously answer that? That was a doppelganger check… I seriously made a legitimate doppelganger check there and he just blew me off.
DM: I didn’t even hear what you said!

Hanzo and Aliarra patiently explain the concept of a doppelganger check to Drusila while the rest of the watches pass.

Aliarra: It’d be funnier if I asked something more awkward. “So when did you first start sleeping with Drusila? HA! Ignir never slept with Drusila!” “Uh, actually…”

Drusila takes breakfast orders, which leads into a debate over whether or not they have the resources to make bagels.

Drusila: A mere 14. The flatcakes are digestible.
Aliarra: We should’ve gone for the bagels after all. I’m pretty sure Drusila can pry open a container to provide us with something to put on them. After all, a rogue skill IS “Open lox.”

A very long pause.

DM: How do these come to you? Seriously, how do you channel this crap?

The group scrambles up the path, slowly but surely, up to a cave after entirely too much flavor text.

DM: A large chest sits next to the cave mouth. You notice a weathered engraved plaque on top of the chest. It says, “Please, put supplies/offerings in chest.”
Hanzo: Oh god, it’s the Security Box.
Aliarra: “Please put your supplies into the Security Box.”
Aliarra and Hanzo: “It is for your security!”
DM: And under that on the same plaque, there are several bumps in an organized pattern beneath the words.

Pondering this medieval Braille, the players start tossing out skill rolls to make it out – mostly uselessly. Drusila fails Decipher Script, Aliarra fails Knowledge(religion), the journal they took from that one guy is useless, even the Mind of Kalroth is useless. It turns out… it’s medieval Braille. Unwilling to leave nothing in the offering box, they dump in some elf jerky.

Drusila: And some flatcakes because they weren’t that good.
Aliarra: Dude, don’t give bad flatcakes to whatever god this is.
Aiden: We have an action replay of “PEASANT FOOOOOD”.
DM: Just as you are about to go in, you notice another plaque on the mouth of the cave.
Mrrshala: “Commoner food!”
DM: “Worry not, for death is your ally here.”
Aliarra: DM, did you write an adventure in which we’d be certain to die, just for the pleasure of doing so—
DM: No!
Aliarra: And this is your way of preparing us for it?
DM: No! Stop it!
Aliarra: The DM’s finally gonna kill all the PCs and claim it’s for plot purposes.
Drusila: Aliarra, you’re projecting again…

Aliarra attempts to boss Drusila around using Diplomacy and Intimidate, then rolls 1 and 3 respectively. They head into the cavern, hearing footsteps, but seeing nothing until they reach a cave fork. With no difference at all between the two options, Aliarra rolls a die to see which way they go. It’s right; they head several hundred feet forward, then see flickering light. They find a small altar with flames near it.

Hanzo: Is there a statue?
DM: There is no statue.
Hanzo: “Give me baby!”
DM: There’s a statue with a baby in it. “TAKE BABY.”
Aliarra: That’s the way this campaign ends… we have to get the baby from the Take Baby altar and take it all the way back to the Give Me Baby altar and that unlocks the final piece…

Drusila quickly looks over the altar, and discovers another plaque on it!

DM: “Fire brings warmth, hardens steel, and bakes our bread. We welcome it and embrace it. But it is easily extinguished when engulfed by water.”
Aliarra: You know, this used to be a low level wizard? He turned into this by casting ‘altar self’. …I tried so hard to concentrate on what you were saying, but I couldn’t get that joke out of my head. I literally heard the words, but they could not make it into my conscious memory.
DM: You want me to say it again?
Aliarra: (face in hands) Yes, please. I’m sorry. I really feel bad about this. I tried… I seriously tried to listen to what he was trying to say, but it couldn’t get past the joke….
Drusila: Drusila motions to Hanzo to go back. We return and say, “There is apparently an altar to obviousness up ahead.”
Aiden: It – it – it – it – it’s a statement, not a question!
Drusila: It’s an obvious statement!
Aliarra: Yes, which means there’s more to it.

Aiden calls the cheddar cheese ‘butter’ one too many times and provokes a furious fit of swearing from Aliarra, who’d brought it. Drusila attempts to extinguish the flames by the brazier, but pouring water accomplishes nothing. Aiden whips out Create Water for fourteen gallons, but it also fails. They attempt to follow the steps on the plaque, but the magical light provides no heat.

Drusila: Is there a place to make a fire on the altar?
DM: If you want to desecrate an altar, sure.

They head back down the hall to the fork, taking the other path down to another fork, with a cavern entrance on the left. They enter, finding a similar alter with two urns full of dirt on each side.

DM: “The solid earth still holds true, but beware, if buffeted on either side by the wind, it can be treacherous.”
Aliarra: See, this is telling us how to beat a puzzle later in the dungeon.
Aiden: These are just clues to something later in the dungeon…
Aliarra: Our final foe in this dungeon: Captain Planet. You know who can beat Captain Planet? Hitler. That’s canon.
Hanzo: Canon?
Aliarra: Yeah. Hitler just looking at Captain Planet just weakened him to the point of death. Although Hitler for some reason had a Fu Manchu mustache…

They find the water cavern next; the plaque tells them not to trust water. Naturally, gameplay stops as everyone HAS to verify the truth of Aliarra’s words. The resulting Youtube trawl scars everyone (except Aliarra, who just laughs). Going upstairs, they discover the wind plaque, that tells them not to walk on air. They at last discover the actual ENCOUNTER… which the DM has to laboriously draw out, since just as the plaques predicted, the encounter is a room with countless elemental symbols on the ground. Several minutes later, with the symbols drawn, the players start arguing over what is an acceptable path, which honestly isn’t interesting to transcribe. Drusila bravely steps forward onto a Death symbol, and is safe.

Aliarra: All right, first thing’s first, everybody tie a rope together…
Drusila: Drusila gets out her rope of stone, and ties it around everybody’s waist! It turns solid on command.
Hanzo: DM, I don’t wanna break your puzzle, but I feel like I could.
DM: It’s not very hard…

Aliarra steps onto a safe Earth, then onto a Death. The DM calls for initiative! Drusila goes first, but with no sign of foes, she steps carefully forward onto safe squares – till she reaches a questionable square, in her mind.

Drusila: She doesn’t feel like… she tosses her dough onto this fire.
Aiden: This fire is fine!
Hanzo: TOSSES HER DOUGH!
Aiden: As long as it’s not surrounded by water.
Drusila: Then Drusila will step on the fire here—
Hanzo: It’s bread on legs!
Aliarra: Drusila’s deploying some flour power. Nothing ventured, nothing grained.
Mrrshala: GOD DAMN IT, ALIARRA!
Aliarra: She went faster than the monsters.
Hanzo: Which are…
Aliarra: (indicating what the DM is putting on the map) D6s.
DM: Giant d6s come from the grate! And they crawl up onto the scene…
Hanzo: Oozes.
DM: They’re oozes.
Hanzo: …they’re really oozes? Oh god, I was just being funny!
DM: Orange-colored.

The ooze slaps Aliarra for small but acidic damage, then grapples her. Given the resistances of oozes to a ludicrous array of damage and attack types, Aliarra starts cheerfully rolling a new character.

DM: Hey Cissy, you could save your party in this combat… if you wake up…
Aiden: (hilariously unenthused) We’re fighting things that require magic, only you can save us.

Hanzo fires a crossbow bolt at the ooze, which immediately splits in half. Cissy hurls an orb of fire at the ooze engulfing Aliarra.

Aliarra: …I think I’ll play a psion. Psion sounds fun.
Aiden: Four fiery oozes appear.
Drusila: (who’s running Cissy) Should I roll for damage?
Aliarra: Roll to hit first.
Drusila: Ranged touch attack, right. Oooh…

Luckily, the grapple penalties sabotage it, and the orb hits. Mrrshala zips forward to whack it one with her sword, but quickly swaps to a morningstar as soon as her error is pointed out. Aiden attempts to cast Deific Vengeance, but can’t pronounce Deific; nevertheless he deals 12 divine damage to the one on Aliarra. Aliarra breaks the grapple, while Drusila commands her assassin’s whip to entangle the ooze.

Aiden: Holy SHIT! 1d3 PLUS 2!
Drusila: It is engulfed by vines, which if it is not immune to bludgeoning damage do 2d4…
DM: It undulates, and the vines snap.
Aliarra: Your whip is forever useless.
Drusila: I can do that twice a day.
Aliarra: No, your whip is destroyed.
DM: No it isn’t..

The ooze attacks Mrrshala for mild acidy damage, but it fails to grapple her. Aliarra’s attempts to grapple her as well, but Aliarra laughs it off with a natural 20. Cissy lurches up off the couch, eager to do some damage, and immediately steps on an Earth surrounded by two Airs.

DM: Just barely are you able to jump away as the tile crumbles underneath you.

Cissy gears up to unleash a lightning bolt, but character-knowledge-wise, no one knows if electricity will actually be effective.

Aiden: Except for Aiden, ‘cuz he had an intimate relationship with an ooze.
Aliarra: Dude, sexually transmitted diseases are not the same as these things. At least not most of them, this is a fantasy setting…
Aiden: You may be my daughter…
DM: (doubling the number of oozes on the map)
Cissy: Well THAT’s some bullshit…

Mrrshala clobbers an ooze. Hanzo moves directly into the path of Aliarra’s intended bull rush, to her irritation. Aiden steps forward and deploys the reach bracers he has!

Aiden: Finally put these bracers to use again!
DM: You Dhalsim the shit out of it.
Aiden: Does 17 hit?
DM: Yes, these things are not hard to hit.
Cissy: Do we get more experience for each time I split these guys?
Aliarra: NO!
DM: This isn’t Secret of Mana.

Aliarra uses White Raven Tactics on Cissy, then bull-rushes anyway now that Aiden has jockeyed for position with his reach. She rolls exactly well enough to push it onto an unstable platform.

DM: It only had three hit points left, but let’s roll the damage from the fall anyway! It hits so hard that you see some splash-up.

Suddenly, Aliarra and Aiden get into a massive argument over the radius and height of ice storm; Aiden is furious, Aliarra is laughing in disbelief. Cissy unloads a pair of Scorching Rays that finally finish off the oozes, and with that the battle is closed and the game ended, way too late for anyone’s happiness!