Herald: AKA the Herald of Judgment, who bears the so-named sword. Warforged Crusader/Artificer.
Haysoos: Astral Deva warmage.
Thecyon: Warforged psion (kineticist)/swordsage.

DM: This is the highest of levels of games! My game, 17.10.
Herald: What?
Thecyon: Damn.
DM: Don’t expect that point to mean anything any time soon.
Herald: It could be Firefox. It’s 17, no it’s 18, no it’s 19, next week it’s 20. (slamming a fist on the table) Fuck you, Firefox! There are points for a REASON. If you’re just updating just make it fucking 14.1, not fucking – okay, I’m done.
DM: Anyway, each of you has been on adventures through your own time and world, adventuring with others at times, until one time you achieved great strength. You were approached by a strange being, whose very form seemed to almost bend itself to a form that you wouldn’t attack immediately.
Haysoos: Jesus? Oh my!
Herald: Wait a minute… you’re a Jew! That wouldn’t affect you!
Haysoos: You’re right! Kill it! Kill it!

It just gets worse. I swear, we’re not anti-Semitic, we just have terrible taste in jokes…

DM: He presents you with an opportunity of sorts. You have achieved your ultimate goal and supposedly saved your world.
Thecyon: Yay!
DM: But a greater threat has come to pass.
Thecyon: Aw shit.
DM: You find out that this person’s name is the Caretaker. His job above all else is, he’s the strongest and most powerful but at the same time he can act in no official way, except gather champions of different worlds to form these teams. He has many teams, and these warriors have gone out to save many a multiverse, but these billions upon billions of worlds need many teams.
Haysoos: We are known... as the Avengers.
Herald: I was gonna say the Power Rangers.
Haysoos: Power Rangers! Okay!
Zygloth: Welp. I quit.
DM: If you want to have a goofy name, he does offer you the ability to name such a team… It seems that a particular event has occurred with worlds similar to each other that must be put to a stop. This particular evildoer – his name, only the Warmage, the darkest of sorts, seeks the power of the Infinite Orb. He wishes to create it from the parts of many worlds. Up until now, he has crossed dimensions, which in it of itself is not a crime.
Haysoos: (who, remember, is a warmage) I am the darkest of swords! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Herald: This is what happens when you reuse your evil chacter…
DM: He’s known by no name, and his job is almost complete. So he sent you, he formed the team to begin your chase. For the most part, you’re about 14, and you go on your adventure chasing him through a couple of different worlds, not traveling too much. Through your adventures you learn more about the multiverse, which is why you gain multiplane knowledge at that point. Then you come to the final battle. He’s been weakened, he is almost dead, his wounds grievous. The final blow will be struck.
Herald: (holding his hands over his head) I need some more time, guys! Give me some more time!
DM: You find yourselves weak, abilities are few and far between, but you have enough power for a final strike. And here is where our adventure begins.
Thecyon: Kamehame…
DM: Spewing out blood from his mouth, he continues to hold the orb, drawing in power from many places. Power from the dark. Power from the void. Power from death itself. Power from the sun, the blood of gods, pour into the orb now. The key to ultimate power, the ability to draw upon many versions of oneself, to make one ultimate being.
Haysoos: Many versions, or VIRGINS?
Herald: I hear virgins too.
DM: Versions. Once the Infinite Orb is complete, those who hold the Orb will hold the power of all of themselves, from every universe. Such power would be beyond the Caretaker, beyond any god. One person would hold the power of trillions. This is the final strike. Roll initiative to see who gets the final blow.
Herald: But he’s activated my trap card!
Haysoos: Crap!
Herald: I activate Monster Reborn! The Blue Eyes White Dragon fights for me now.
Haysoos: THE MOST POWERFUL CARD!
DM: “Your time is lost! In but a few moments, my power will be unlimited! Nothing can stop me from my dreams!”
Herald: ”But can you see, with all your unlimited power, why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?!”
Haysoos: “Or, how many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?!”
DM: “You idiot, you already know that!”
Haysoos: “I don’t, I always bite them.”
Zygloth: “I keep telling you, it’s three.”
DM: The Orb continues to gather energy, the five portals swirling, each to a different realm, gathering power to the Orb itself. The Orb, about yea big now, is a crystalline ball, beautiful. The inside, you can see the raw power spinning it itself, in the center. But if you were to stare directly into the center of the Orb, you can see EVERYTHING.
Herald: Hurry, the flavor text is too much!
DM: Every world—
Herald: HURRY!
DM: Every instance, can be seen in the Orb.
Herald: Every instance, huh?
DM: Everything can be seen in the Orb.
Herald: Oh look, that group’s doing TERRIBLE on Deathwing.

Going first, Thecyon nails him with a sonic breath weapon or the like, and since the battle is purely cinematic, kills him. He angrily smashes the Orb as his final action; the portals promptly collapse into a vortex.

DM: A voice appears from the stars. “You must foll—“ I need a better voice from this guy. “You must follow the book.”
Herald: So he uses his own voice…
DM: “You cannot allow that book to fall into the hands of others of himself. They all know of his plight. For a single moment when he finished the Orb, his goal was given to all of them. He is the one being who is chaotic and evil throughout every world, for he has killed every good one of himself.”
Herald: Oh, almost had an out there.

Obligingly, the team leaps into the portal after it, is promptly vivisected by the portal, then reassembled at full health and power in the Caretaker’s room.

Haysoos: So in a sense I… resurrected.
Herald: How long were we out, three days? Quick, check for stigmata!
DM: “The shattering of the Orb has caused a great problem. One of the many beings that has been trapped between the multiverse has escaped. Before you can move on to capture the book, it is up to you to bring this down. I will transport you to where it is now, attempting to break through the very walls of the center realm. Talk to me when you are ready to go.” This is your final chance to make any changes to your character.
Herald: I just envision that screen popping up as we’re stepping out of the Vault.
Haysoos: I am a deva… I should probably change my name to Whitney Houston or something…

The Caretaker informs them that they will be facing a legendary mountain giant of some sort, using a multiplane hammer that strikes simultaneously from all planes – or in practical terms, basically negates a large fraction of the victim’s AC. Herald quickly consults the library to learn the enchantments necessary to overcome this, but has no craft pool available for it… As the group rounds out their character, the DM finds the Dragonlance campaign setting and wishes futilely that the group would run it.

Herald: Just so you know, if we ever play Dragonlance, I’m playing a kender.
Zygloth: Oh fuck.
DM: No, I’ve already decided your class. You are a NOBLE.
Zygloth: That is Glass in D&D form.
Herald: Yeah, exactly. Let’s just make the most annoying party ever. A tinker gnome… a kender.
Zygloth: A gully dwarf.
Herald: I was trying to get Zygloth to make a half-dragon treant. That would destroy in melee.
Zygloth: But it’s such a STUPID concept!
Herald: No it’s not. You just have to think. Dragons are the sluts of D&D. They’ll do it with ANYTHING.
Zygloth: I would start questioning dragons in general. Why would you fuck a tree?!
Herald: According to the rules you could have a half-dragon dragon. Half-dragon is a template that applies to a living corporeal creature.

The group discusses their items briefly.

Herald: I am fairly well prepared for the sort of bullshit I would throw at me.
DM: Herald is prepared for himself. I can imagine him making his character. “I would defeat that with THIS. Well, me, I know how to beat that, whatcha gonna do now?” Sitting there, having an argument about what you would do…
Herald: My armor give me resistance 10 against all energy types.
DM: Well, not against me throwing this die at your face…

The DM vows to slay them with a sonic fireball with mind-control properties to make them roll all their saves simultaneously. Haysoos takes a feat that gives him a wyrmling gold dragon familiar. With Zygloth still behind on creation, the DM elects to drop Herald, Theycon, and Haysoos into the fight with the giant, and they start their minor buffing while the giant taunts them.

DM: “Oh please ready yourselves! The more the buffs… it’s like frosting on a delicious cake.”

Initiative is rolled! Theycon goes first.

Thecyon: I’m gonna put up an energy wall in front of him.
Herald: What? That stops US from going through to him!
Thecyon: (after a long pause) I’m just gonna manifest an electricity ball, then…

Some arguing over mechanics and usefulness ensues. Zygloth discovers a feat!

Zygloth: I like Detach, that’s fantastic. You can remove a part of your body and use it as a ranged weapon. I have regeneration…
Herald: You have to get it back, though. Stick a weapon crystal of return in it real quick.
DM: That’d be really great for a troll…
Thecyon: Take a look at that. I just rolled that. It’s 20.
Herald: What are you rolling for.
Thecyon: Don’t I roll on this?
Herald, DM, Haysoos, Zygloth: No!
Herald: It’s a BALL. It EXPLODES. It’s like a fireball.
DM: Just roll damage and tell me the reflex save!
Thecyon: 38.
DM: …I don’t think it can pass!
Thecyon: 79 points of damage.
DM: “RAAAAAAARGH! Ha! Scratches upon my scales! I shall consume you like the others.”
Herald: I charge!
DM: Is it some kind of IMPROVED-charge that prevents attacks of opportunities?
Herald: No!
Thecyon: Oh wait, I’m sorry, +4. So 83.
DM: Okay. Welp, he’s dead. Damn, he was not strong enough…
Herald: I have a -19 to my AC at the moment, by the way. I’m using Heedless Charge.
DM: -19 is your AC?
Herald: Whatever you’re making my AC, it’s -19. So he probably hits. I don’t think he can miss even if I didn’t because of all the multiplanar BS…
DM: As the giant mace comes slamming down through your charge, the shockwave hits you but does not dissuade you from your charge as you heedlessly charge through the damage.
Herald: 61 points of damage to him in return.
DM: A hefty blow.
Haysoos: Hefty hefty hefty!
Herald: In the meantime my sword will cast Haste on me.

Haysoos starts preparing a Twinspell cast, and in the meantime his familiar shoots ahead to breathe on the giant.

Herald: Does a 31 hit?
DM: You’ve detected AC. I love this guy’s touch AC.

The weakening gas deals a point of Strength damage, or would if it hadn’t passed its save.

DM: “Creatures, many and small! Feel the weight of me.” He jumps in the air and lands in the middle. If I read it right, any creature in 40x60 will have to make a DC 38 Reflex save to not get pinned.

Only Haysoos fails and the rest escape pinning, if not damage. Theycon manifests True Metabolism on herself.

Herald: I’m doing fighter-math. First of all, I made my Concentration check for Diamond Nightmare Blade. Now I just have to figure out how much I have to burn off for Power Attack. Well, we found out its AC was 31… (muttering numbers) And I hit… (muttering more numbers) 244 damage.

Heysoos’s turn comes up, and he is rudely introduced to his inability to cast spells with sonic components while pinned. The giant promptly picks him and hurls him at Herald.

Herald: My AC against this is 52, so good luck. You know what happens, he’s gonna come flying at me, suddenly my animated shield whips right around, intercepts you in the face, and you drop.

The recording craps out and is picked up some time later with Herald receiving a doctor’s prescription to stop eating regret food. Theycon deals 51 points of fire damage, while Herald struggles with math again due to Power Attack. He promptly rolls a 6 and a 5.

DM: That’s a hard combination of rolls.
Herald: Yeah, inn’it though. 57 for that attack. Next attack, I’ll spend five, I’ll hit… 39… nothing on this next one… let’s see here, that’s a crit.
DM: I kinda wish I hadn’t taken the worms out of the battle!
Herald: 73 on that one… this next one, I’ve only got +20 to hit, I could miss him – I don’t miss him. 31. Now for my next full attack sequence… First two attacks – oh, I miss one again, but I hit the other.
DM: Well, no, he’s dead. I gave him 700 hit points. You guys have worked through 700 hit points.
Herald: I still have four more attacks to go!

The players and DM attempt to figure out why this guy was CR 26. Shrugging, the DM inflicts a pair of CR 28 monsters on them.

DM: “Those that I trap are now free. Taste the things that eat in my stomach!”
Zygloth: Ewww.
DM: His stomach bursts open, as writing from it come two creatures… about eight cubes long, so…

A worm rushes Herald and attempts to grapple, futilely – Herald is wearing a ring of freedom of movement. The other one belches out several goons. Theycon manifests Energy Current on one of them, dealing damage to it and half damage to everything else. Herald uses Moment of Alacrity to increase his initiative by 20, then starts rolling dice – pathetically, coming up with a 2, then a natural 1.

DM: There was a disagreement about what you should do about this evildoer, there was such excitement about destroying an evildoer between you and your sword… a small disagreement on how you should slash the sword. You were slashing this way, your sword wanted to slash the other way, so you slam the flat end of the sword… you didn’t let go of the weapon but you’re stunned for a moment.
Herald: Next attack, I’ll spend 10 on this one… (rolling, then facepalming)
DM: Reconfirming yourself.
Herald: Really. My dice can’t roll above six tonight. I don’t think I hit… that sucks. We’ll spend five on my next one – 4! I miss again?! What the shit is going on here?

Trading out his dice and using no Power Attack, Herald finally lands a hit. Haysoos attempts to cast spells, but runs afoul of metamagic cast time increases for spontaneous caster. A long, furious argument occurs over the use of Quicken Spell – until it turns out Heysoos has Sudden Quicken instead, which makes the whole debate moot.

Haysoos: Does a 32 hit?
Herald: What are you rolling 32 for!?
DM: It’s a cone, you don’t roll an attack.

A cone of fire washes over the foes, though the giant worms seem to evade, and the lesser demons don’t take much damage at all.

Thecyon: That’s why I’m channeling cold, fuckers!
Herald: Hey Zygloth. Two-Face screws up. “Good heads… ya live. Bad heads, ya die.” (flips the coin)
Herald and Zygloth: “Tails.”

Haysoos hits a clump of the creatures with an Arc Lightning, then fires a lightning bolt into the little guys by burning off his charges from the Belt of Battle, destroying them. Herald starts hewing the worms, only to discover he’s taking acid damage with every blow – which, despite taking half damage and then 10 resistance on top, starts to add up quickly.

DM: From the two attacks that slam into you, you take a whopping 76 points of damage. This is biting damage.
Herald: That’s -30, so I take 46.
DM: The other worm rears up and slides for the caster that’s on the floor. Angered that you killed the three demons it only just summoned before they even had a chance to do ANYthing, he slides up and proceeds to slither all around you.

Haysoos takes 24 damage and has to roll a grapple check.

Haysoos: 45.
DM: Just so you know, its grapple bonus is 49. That’s just its bonus. So he does beat you…

Herald steps forward and unleashes Time Stands Still – continuing to roll incredibly badly.

DM: Don’t roll a 1!
Herald: I miss. I rolled a 2. Spend 10 on this one… does a 21 hit?
DM: Yes, that’s its AC.
Herald: (muttering as he maths) I mi – wow, I am rolling so badly tonight!

Herald promptly crits on the one blow he spent nothing on Power Attack for, then gets three blasts of acid to the face in response. He continues to whack it with his next full-attack.

DM: As the slash goes through, the worm screeches and roars. At the very end, near the middle of the body, a tear begins to form. It rips through and out. A death rift appears. Since you are within five feet of this creature, you must make a DC 31 save.
Herald: Or?
DM: Or you’re torn through the rift. Because you can’t actually leave this portal, you’re torn through and slammed into a wall.
Herald: (rolling) Jesus Christ! I just make it because of my magic circle against evil. I rolled a fucking four! What is WITH my rolling tonight?!
DM: A circle of light peels, preventing it from pulling you in. The entire corpse of the body seems to shrink in on itself, the portal pops. Along the wall of the barrier the body slams against it as it attempts to fall into another realm, but sadly it just bursts in a pile of mucus…
Herald: I use Quicksilver motion to take a free move action and then I’ll be finishing me remaining four attacks.
DM: I was hoping you’d get pulled in and slammed outside…
Herald: Natural 1. Every – I can’t believe this. I can’t believe how bad my luck is!
DM: Going in for the slash, you find yourself with nothing as the sword gets caught in the ground.
Herald: You don’t understand. Six of my dice have failed me tonight. Three of them were the orange dice.
Zygloth: They’ve turned on us.
Herald: It’s like they’ve rejected the level of power I’ve brought to the table. Must… find… (rooting through his dice pile, then rolling) NO! THIS ONE TOO!
DM: Not the metal die! That one never works!
Herald: I still hit, but it was still a crappy roll… (rolling another dice) NOOOO! NOT THIS ONE TOO!
Haysoos: (offering him a die)
Herald: NO! ONE OF THESE IS GOING TO WORK! This one! I don’t think I’ve EVER rolled this one! My last attack! (rolling) NO!! WHAT THE HELL?! WHY?! NO!? (collapsing into a gibbering hysterical ball) I use White Raven tactics on myself…
Zygloth: I like how you’re winded now.
DM: All his shitty rolling tired him out.

Herald withdraws. Theycon charges up an energy ray to annihilate the creature, though really it does only a large chunk of fire damage. Haysoos teleports the hell out of the grapple with his boots. The worm bites Theycon. Herald charges, eating an AOO but power-attacking it in return. Theycon takes to the air before the worm can maul her any more, while Haysoos fire off an Orb of Fire. The ensuing death rift sucks no one in as everyone passes their saves.

DM: “Excellent work! Truly your are ready for the challenges ahead!”
Haysoos: “Psych! Y’all gonna die.”
Herald: Why is the Caretaker evil? Our enemy is the Anti-Caretaker, it turns out the DM has based this ENTIRE thing on Crisis on Infinite Earths.
Haysoos: The Caretaker is Mr. Popo.

The DM curses the ineffectual nature of his monsters and vows worse upon them the next time they meet…