In a bizarre and uncharacteristic twist, the group is actually running through a module this session! The group quickly whips up a bingo card for its memes, curious to see if they can get a bingo during the course of the night.

Desmith: And MAUL has wandered off.
MAUL: (from down the hall) I’m here, you jerk!

The group abuses Desmith for a while, for no real reason other than he’s there. Desmith shows MAUL the cover picture on the Eberron setting, implying that MAUL should aspire to be a cool warforged.

MAUL: Why does he have a chest in one hand?
Desmith: It’s D&D. Why not?

Desmith encourages Halfdur to keep him company in his forge and speak of the habits of his people.

Halfdur: “What would you like to know, lad?”
Desmith: “Everything.”
Halfdur: (sighing)
MAUL: “In the beginning…”
Halfdur: “In the beginning there was Moradin.”
Desmith: By the end of this I’m a devout follower of Moradin for some reason.
Halfdur: “He took the earth, its precious metals and gems, and crafted the dwarves out of them. And he breathed life into us.”
Seth: (giant raspberry)
Halfdur: “I suddenly hate gnomes.”
DM: As it should be. What happened to the Cosmic Brownies?
MAUL: The Catholic Brownies?

The DM, who has done many uncharacteristic things tonight, is accused of being a doppelganger. The DM encourages them to hang out at the tavern.

Desmith: “I see no reason to not engage in socialization behavior, although I am incapable of imbibing the beverages.”
Halfdur: (hesitantly) “More for… me? A round for everybody! I’ll drink his and his.”
MAUL: We all split the bill, even though he’s the only one drinking.
Seth: I can drink.
MAUL: Yeah, like, half a tankard, then you’re like, ‘whoa’!
Desmith: “Unable to access input port.” (miming just flinging ale at himself) “Error.”
DM: And Halfdur’s like, “Oh, it’s a waste of good ale!”
Desmith: “Friend Halfdur, please stop licking ale off of my body.”
Halfdur: “Waste not want not, lad.”
Desmith: “I certainly want not.”
Halfdur: “Too bad. Remind me not to do this in winter.”
DM: While you guys are enjoying yourselves in the tavern, you hear what sounds like a small altercation outside. Some guy is hemmin’ and hawin’ and bitchin’ about some sort of stinky stench that’s blowing across his wheat field, and you can hear the voice of Captain Delwick telling him to calm down, that it’s probably just that wizard that lives on the very edge of town just doing an experiment or something.

Sensing the plot hook, the group steps out to investigate this noise. An old guy is furiously resisting being calmed by the Captain.

MAUL: “I could punch one of them.”
Desmith: “I don’t think that would be diplomatic.”
MAUL: “Then I will be on standby.”
DM: And MAUL is like, byooooo… <(shutdown noise, as she sort of slumps)
MAUL: “If you’ll not be needing me, I’ll close down—“
Desmith: (claps twice)
MAUL: “Aaargh..” (slumping)
DM: (cackling)
Seth: That’s your character flaw? You have a clap feature? So when the enemies figure out -- (claps twice, makes a shutdown noise) Spend a move action to clap.
Halfdur: Then four guys high-five each other and he turns back on. “Oh crap!”
Desmith: He’s in terrible danger from any slow-clapping villains.
MAUL: Heaven forbid, there’s like an artist performing. “Thank you everyone, thank you.” (twitching violently)
Desmith: So that’s your equivalent of a rave…

The DM causes Desmith to get a sneeze caught in his nose, and he vows eternal vengeance. Halfdur discovers he has the Diplomacy skill, to his dismay, and resigns himself to intervening in the dispute. The Captain explains that the old angry guy has a problem with a wizard living on the edge of town with her husband, the renowned cook. But neither of the two has been seen for several days, and the Captain asks the group to go check on them.

MAUL: “Are there any items we should gather whilst we are about.”
Desmith: Lavender. Sage. Rosemary! THYME!
MAUL: Any wolf pelts?
DM: Bear asses!

The Captain gives them directions to the mage’s house, telling them that the maple trees around her house all turn gold in the fall. Off they head, having a cheerful discussion about fear of the wizards, which Desmith doesn’t understand.

Halfdur: “They say a rumor spreads more fast than a wildfire.”
MAUL: “We should put this to the test. Friend Halfdur, you will start a rumor and I will start a fire.”
Desmith: In the same place. Welp, neither got anywhere, because the problem was, we set the person on fire who was supposed to spread the rumor.
Halfdur: Thankfully his body snuffed out the flames.
Desmith: He stopped, dropped, rolled, then expired.
MAUL: “I will revisit this experiment at a later date. Friend Wily, we shall try the experiment again.”
Desmith: “Let’s build Gamma, the peace-keeping robot.”
MAUL: I wish you to spread the rumor that you are on fire.

The group finally succumbs to the inevitable giggles this line of conversation produces. Halfdur realizes that “they exist” should be added to the bingo board, and looks over his entries to determine what it should replace.

Halfdur: Okay, we’ll take ‘brony’ out, we don’t give him a lot of crap any more. Maybe we’ve finally accepted him for what he is.
Desmith: Yeah, until we play another game of Bromophobia.
Seth: I’m not afraid of bronies!
Desmith: But you hate them.
Seth: I’m so scared that deep down, I’m starting to – it’s ON Netflix, so many times I’ve had to resist just watching one episode… I’m so afraid of what I would become.
DM: Yes, that’s just it, you watch one episode and then you’re hooked. The pony cracked.
Halfdur: I watched one episode and I wasn’t hooked.
Desmith: It really takes three. Four, depending on which ones you watch.
Seth: Halfdur’s gonna do the My Little Pony challenge, sitting there watching four episodes. He’s like, “Ah, that wasn’t too bad,” and I’m sitting behind him… “You do realize you’ve watched everything.” All of a sudden, there’s a knock on the door. “Here you go, sir.” It’s a box of toys… He looks down, he’s wearing the shirt.

MAUL insists that the group get a YouTube channel for game snippets so the world can share in their glory. They finally wrestle the game back to the action, heading for the wizard’s house. Seth accidentally uses a hissing voice.

MAUL: “We goesses to the ends of the townsss, finds the wizards and eatsss him.”
Desmith: “Hold on.” (making repairing motions at MAUL’s neck) “Is it repaired now?”
MAUL: (slapping a hand over his mouth and yelling incomprehensibly)
Desmith: “Acceptable.”
Halfdur: All right, “past campaigns brought up”… (marking off a bingo square)

The group ambles off towards the wizard’s cottage, with appropriate music. It immediately veers off-course.

Seth: “I will destroy the Earth for obstructing my view of Venus.” Such a weird plan…

Heading in, they spot the brilliant yellow leaves that the Captain spoke of, and thereafter a tidy cottage nestled amongst them. The DM calls for Listen checks, and Halfdur hears clanking.

DM: Now is it MAUL, or is it inside the house? Good question. The door is wide open.

Seth, the closest thing to a rogue they have, sneaks in. The first room is cozy and offers a few avenues for investigation; Seth heads to investigate the noise.

DM: As you pass the table, the book that was lying so peacefully leaps up and jumps at you.
Desmith: The Monster Book of Monsters!
DM: Yeah, it’s like the one from Harry Potter, with the teeth.
Desmith: Yeah. The Monster Book of Monsters. That’s what I said.
Halfdur: Rub its spine.
Desmith: “Yer have to stroke it.” Quick stroke it – oh, no, no! No, the book.
Seth: Initiative?
DM: No Initiative, it’s just leapt at you and is trying to slam shut on your hand, malicious little git.
Seth: I’ll spin out my hammer and slash it.
DM: Slash it with a hammer?
Seth: Oh, my hook hammer.
DM: Okay. (glaring at Desmith and MAUL as they plan actions and offer suggestions) You guys aren’t there! (beat) You’re getting drunk.
Desmith: Okay, but if there’s any girls there I want to talk to them about the nature of femininity! …I’m very curious about things.

The DM wheezes for a bit in between adjudicating Seth’s attack on the tome.

DM: It flops to the floor, hewm in twain.
Desmith: You gain a knowledge point, because you’ve been hitting the books.

Horrific silence. With the foe defeated, Seth pokes around a bit more, peers into the kitchen, then discovers it looks like a disaster area. He reports back to the group.

MAUL: “The small one’s alive.”
Desmith: “He is on our side.”
MAUL: “I keep forgetting that.”
Desmith: “That’s why I’m here.”

The others look at the pair in some concern.

Desmith: “MAUL does enjoy his little jokes.”
Seth: That’d be great, if we were all warforged, one of us would have to be C-3PO…
Halfdur: “All right, lads, let’s go.”
Desmith: By the way, we can all wear blue armbands. Everyone who wears a blue armband is your friend, MAUL! Friend!
MAUL “And the red?”
Desmith: “Enemy! You may bite!”
Seth: That would not be good! We go to town, it’s like, “Red Armband Day”.
Halfdur: Let’s not set any rules yet…

The group steps in – and are immediately attacked by a fireplace poker and a curtain drawstring. The drawstring wraps immediately around MAUL’s neck, attempting to strangle the living construct which requires no air. No one is impressed.

MAUL: “This unit does not require a scarf. This does not help my mission.”
DM: It’s still trying to strangle you, not that anything’s going to come of it.
MAUL: I just bring the edge of my axe up and snip it in twain.
DM: Eh, give me a roll for shits and giggles.
MAUL: Heeee… one! Well, you wanted giggles, there you go.
Desmith: (miming hitting himself in the face with the axe)
DM: Thank you, Desmith, for illustrating that.
Desmith: “I have committed an error.”
Halfdur: “Aww, for Christ’s – uhhhh. For Moradin’s sake!” How much did you greataxe yourself for?
Desmith: You didn’t Power Attack, did you?! Oh god!
Seth: He like, crits himself…
Desmith: Roll a new character! (pointing to the bingo board) There it is.
DM: Are you just going to let the poker beat at you?
Desmith: No, I would prefer not…
Seth: What, are we in the Little House of Horrors?
Desmith: I will shoot it with my crossbow, as ludicrous as that sounds.

Desmith misses, and initiative results. Desmith and MAUL both roll natural ones on their intiative and high-five.

Desmith: Apparently, this is us on the initiative phase: “Aaaah! Ohhh! Aaaagh! WHY?!”
Seth: You’ve encountered a logic loop. “Inanimate object should not be alive. Why is inanimate object attacking us? I don’t understand.” (rolling his own) Wow, a lot of crap initiatives…
Desmith: And the party of first-level characters was slaughtered by a fireplace poker.
Halfdur: I go at 20.
Seth: If it can kill us all in one turn, screw it anyway!
Desmith: It turns out it has Cleave…

Halfdur and Seth flurry into action and slaughter the animated objects. Desmith burns an infusion to heal MAUL. As the party trundles on, Seth flips through the Eberron book some more, landing on the prestige class “Dragonmark Heir.”

Seth: Once again, my brain decided to stick other words in there, so it became Dragonmark Hair, so I was looking at her hair, wondering what’s so special about this red hair… Extreme Explorer?! What is this, Dora the Explorer’s prestige class?
Desmith: It’s +4 to Spot checks versus Swiper.
Seth: He’s got trapsense, evasion, extreme hustle – what’s with all the extremes in this?! Is this guy really cool – extreme action. That is the name of the feat.
MAUL: At sixth level he gains an ethereal snowboard.
Seth: (turning the page) Here’s Desmith’s real-life class. Master Inquisitive.
Desmith: …how does that work?
Seth: Just the way he’s looking at this wall. I just picture him with longer hair, pointing out the rules to D&D…

The kitchen is a wreck, pots and pans everywhere and walls spattered with spices and ingredients. A door has a chair propped against it, and it’s noticeably warmer there. They hear noise from the stove.

Desmith: “The way this is proceeding, I would not be surprised if that were some sort of elemental.”
Halfdur: “Or an animated hamsteak.”
Desmith: 1d8 ham damage. Oh no, it’s like a holy ham surge against kosher.
DM: Eeeeh, there’s the racism, right there.
Desmith: That’s not racism! It’s a kosher joke!
Halfdur: It’s more bigotry…

Seth notes that there are splatters of tomato sauce about, prints heading to the blocked door, and signs that a body was dragged off in another direction. They elect to open the stove first, wary of any creature that might be inside, but the fire elemental inside lunges out to strike him! Desmith misses but Halfdur strikes true, dropping it immediately. They debate whether they should investigate the door, or the dragged body.

Desmith: “The track will still be there after we’ve opened it.”
Halfdur: “Aye, true, but the body might be alive still.”
Desmith: “The brief time it takes to investigate the other room probably won’t change that matter.”
Seth: Roll a Heal check to see when he dies!
Desmith: One round.
Seth: Approximately the time it took us to explore the room.
Desmith and MAUL: One round less…

Desmith removes the chair – and immediately the door flies open, revealing the pantry.

Seth: She said ‘pantry’ and I heard… pain tree.
Desmith: The Whomping Willow! Oh no!
DM: Inside is a six foot tall pastry monster. There’s some smears of reddish—
MAUL: Is this a marshmallow man?
Halfdur: It’s a pastry golem, come on!
DM: It’s a pastry golem.
MAUL: Oh, it’s the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Seth: “Choose the form of your destroyer!”
Desmith: …is that the waffle iron talking?
Seth: No, it was like a teapot.
DM: And now we need initiative.

Seth darts backwards and fires an arrow, which strike the golem – producing horrible results.

DM: It spurts out a gout of what appears to be tomato sauce.
Halfdur: It’s a calzone golem!
DM: YES! IT IS! I’m not shitting you, it’s a calzone golem.
MAUL: We’re fighting a… calzone.
DM: Yes.
Halfdur: Huh.
MAUL: Is it immune to magic?
DM: Yes it is.
Desmith: No one cast magic missile on it.
Halfdur: I don’t think any of us can. This is the perfect group for a golem…
Desmith: “We should consult the town board. I’m pretty sure this is a calzoning violation.”

A silence.

Halfdur: Goddamnit.
DM: Goddamnit!
Halfdur: What happens if I cast purify food and drink on this thing!
Desmith: It’s a construct.
Seth: It’d just be healthier.
MAUL: It’s a CALZONE!
Desmith: It has no vitals, only tastiness!
MAUL: I can crit a calzone!
Desmith: No you can’t!

Desmith attacks with the chair he’s holding, and unsurprisingly misses. Halfdur gives it a whack. Seth shoots it!

Halfdur: Why is a calzone golem one of your hated enemies?
DM: It is still up.
Desmith: You know, he’s mean and picking up us for no reason, he’s a real ‘strom-bully’.
DM: God damn it, Desmith!
Seth: Put on a Hitler joke, for fuck’s sake!
MAUL: Why are you such a machine?!
Halfdur: That does not – Stromboli and calzones are completely different!
Desmith: What’s your point?
Halfdur: It’s a terrible joke! It’s not even a good pun!

The golem promptly punches Desmith for 3 points of damage and 2 points of fire damage. MAUL whacks it violently, but its death throes fling tomato sauce all over the group, causing a point of damage all around. Desmith ponders the mechanics behind the golem, speculating that it went berserk as golems are wont to do, and they elect to follow the track.

Halfdur: “You guys go… I’m going to… clean up here.” (licking his lips)

They head into the bedroom, finding a person bound and gagged on the bed, and an imp shredding a book!

Desmith: “Seize it!”

Maul does just that! The imp struggles, then promptly stings MAUL for three points of damage… and no poison, because he’s a warforged.

MAUL: 17 to Intimidate the little bastard.
DM: Go for it. “I’m not afraid of you! Ya big tin can!”
MAUL: “It should not be me you fear. It should be being crushed to a pulp in my fist.”
DM: “I’ll come back stronger than ever.”
MAUL: “Who’s your master?”
Seth: “And what does he do?”
Desmith: “You are but a lowly imp. We know better than to believe you have any power. You will suffer pain and death if you do not cooperate.”
DM: “I will suffer pain and death anyway, as my master slays me!”
Desmith: “Your master is not here. We are.”

The imp dances around the information for a while, and MAUL promptly squeezes it. It accidentally reveals its master is an enemy of the wizard of the house.

MAUL: I’m just going to smear him against a wall or something.
Desmith: I produce one of my scrolls and with a 17 on a Bluff check, inform him that if he does not talk, I will cast this powerful spell of Imp Eradication on him, which will forever condemn him to the black void with no chance of return.
DM: “…What do you want to know?”
Seth: “What plane does your master exist on?”
DM: “Baator!”
Desmith: “Why are you here?”
DM: “Because I was sent here?”
Desmith: “For what purpose?”
DM: “To PLAGUE Andolin!”

The imp reveals that he’s behind the golem going berserk and has been generally causing mischief. MAUL obligingly crushes it to banish it once they’ve pumped all the information out of it. With the ‘foe’ defeated, they wake up the injured man with a little judicious healing.

DM: “Oh, what happened? Wait, no, the imp – I know what happens, where is it?”
MAUL: (lifts his hand and opens it)
DM: “Oh thank the gods.”
Seth: “I turned him into orange juice.”
Desmith: “Wash your hands, MAUL.”
MAUL: “I would, but the kitchen is not a hospitable environment.” There’s a water closet in here, right?
DM: Correct.
MAUL: In I go!
Halfdur: Hand in toilet, swish around…

Andolin returns just then, apologizing profusely for the trouble they’ve endured. The PCs explain quickly what has occurred!

DM: “There was an imp here? That wasn’t a wizard from another plane that was bedeviling me, that was a devil!”
Desmith: …None of us have Knowledge(the planes)?
Halfdur: I have Ancestral Knowledge! I rolled a 15!
Desmith: Tell us how wrong we are!
Halfdur: “You’re wrong.”
Seth: “Either way, a being from another plane… the Balor plane?”
DM: Baator.
Seth: “Has wished you slight discomfort.”
Desmith: The Master of Baator. (cheap giggles)
DM: “That doesn’t surprise me.” She goes into the wardrobe and fiddles around with something…
Desmith: You know, it’s really cool how everyone accepts us living constructs here without blinking an eye.
Seth: We assume it’s a normal thing in this world. If this was my game, people would be here going, “I KNEW IT! THE MACHINES ARE TAKING OVER!”
Desmith: Look, in your game the machines WOULD be taking over, so I don’t know what your point is.

The wizard rewards them with half-a-dozen potions. The group furiously squabbles over who has to record treasure; Seth gets stuck with the job, and goes about it furiously. They all get enough experience to go up a level, but no money, to Desmith’s alarm – and the chef promises to cook them a delicious meal. The warforged aren’t really impressed by this, but he does show up a few days later, passing on some gems to the players.

Halfdur: Star Crunch, please….. YAY BINGO!