Aliarra: Whose game is this?
Aiden: Jesus’s game.
Aliarra: DM… what have you not been telling me?
DM: I like to walk over water, what can I say?

Having fought their way through the tower and the wild magic that seems to grip it, our heroes arrive at the bottom much the worse for wear, and expecting worse to come.

Aliarra: That alchemical golem has been in the mages’ guild for generations!
DM: Denelos is gonna be pissed.

Aiden rants angrily about vegetarianism and its various categories, while Aliarra strides boldly down the stairs. Aliarra’s player, it must be noted, is in the kitchen.

Aiden: You can’t RP from back there, Aliarra, get the fuck out here!
Aliarra: Yes I can!
Aiden: No you fucking can’t!
Aliarra: DM, who’s roleplayed more this entire session than all these guys?
DM: I gotta give it to Aliarra…
Aliarra: BOOYAH!
Aiden: Fuck you! You’re the one in the kitchen! I’m talking about meaty vegetables – you know what, I’ll play Aiden. “Titties, titties, pussy,” there, I just RPed as Aiden, shut the fuck up!
Aliarra: That was pretty good, actually…
DM: Get the paddy-wagon…
Aiden: I’ll be riding home, what are you talking about. We have a whole parish in the prison.
DM: Stepping gingerly over the acid pools, you make your way downstairs.
Aliarra: (leaping out of the kitchen) You’d arrest the entire church? Parish the thought. (leaping back into the kitchen)
DM: …Minus ten experience from Aliarra.
Aliarra: Can’t record it! In the kitchen!
Hanzo: Start writing stuff on her sheet.
Mrrshala: Somebody draw a penis on her sheet.
Aiden: Big old penis right on the sheet. Right in the hit point box. Big ol’ penis.
DM: “How many hit points do you have?” “Twenty and a penis.”
Aliarra: Aliarra’s now had more experience with penis than ever before.

Aliarra steps out of the kitchen with her second sandwich of the night. Cissy stares.

Cissy: God, she had to one-up me again.
Hanzo: Yeah, really.
Aliarra: This is LESS impressive, it’s just ham and chicken! It isn’t anything like my other sandwich!
Cissy: What’s more impressive is that I can’t EAT another sandwich.
Aliarra: This is the “regret sandwich”.
DM: “I regret eating this.”
Cissy: That’s the one that when you’re done, you’re like, “Fuck! I shouldn’t have eaten this!”
Aliarra: Yeah, exactly. I know it and I’m still gonna eat it.
Cissy: Well, yeah, because you haven’t eaten it yet, so you don’t have the regret.
Aliarra: Exactly. I’m stupid, is what it amounts to…

A hideous creature bursts out of the door in front of the group, but it is being crushed by a giant fist made of smoke. As usual, the players are utterly bedazzled by this minor cosmetic change to standard spell effects. Somehow a debate on the precise categorization of ‘role-playing game’ erupts.

DM: As you enter in, you see Denelos about to cast another spell. “Oh, it’s you!”
Aiden: Why are we here for Denelos again?
Hanzo: Well he’s… the mage guy.
Aliarra: Yeah, we’d kind of like some explanations.
Hanzo: Yeah, like the whole place turning it self inside-out…
Aliarra: I mean, we ASSUME some horrible magical catastrophe has unleashed all this wild magic on us… but it could be an attack. What say ye, Denelos?
Aiden: Oh that’s right, we went through the tower, and the floors of hell.
Aliarra: Yeah, it’s all coming back to him now.
Mrrshala: You got some ‘splainin’ to do!
DM: “I see you’ve encountered what we call a ‘magical storm’.”
Aliarra: “That’s milder language than I would use for it.”
DM: “I don’t know what’s causing it, to be honest.”
Cissy: “Denelos, when did you start sounding like Sean Connery?”
DM: “I am the last one…”

Denelos himself is roughed up and out-of-sorts. The adventurers wearily brace themselves for a mission to locate the cause of this storm and deal with it.

Denelos: “No, I need you to get the hell out of town and continue adventuring.”
Aliarra: “Denelos, I knew there was a reason I liked you.”
DM: “Unfortunately—“ He opens his window – “It looks like it’s spread out to the city.”
Aiden: I’m pretty sure he could just teleport us to our next adventure. So we don’t have to DEAL WITH IT.
Aliarra: As true as that may be, I’m not entirely certain I can sit here and let wild magic ravage through the city without doing something to try to stop—
Aiden: Raise your hand if you can! (He raises his hand. No one else does.) Damn!

Faldoun, however, is outside taking care of business. Denelos tosses a necklace to Aliarra for future communication and gives them directions to follow.

DM: “There’s a hamlet you might be interested in.”
Hanzo: Hammer!
DM: Hamlet, not hammer.
Hanzo: Hamlet… of the RIGHTEOUS!
Aliarra: I AM interested in that.

Denelos boots them all out a smokey portal down to Faldoun’s side. Aiden attempts to turn Faldoun into a serial molester for no real reason, except possibly loneliness in perversion. Faldoun looks them over.

DM: “It seems glory has graced you already.”
Aliarra: “Yes, graced us with acid and pointy things.”
DM: “A good day to be of service.”
Aliarra: “I’d agree with you if not for that whole bookshelf room. That was annoying and not glorious at all.”

Faldoun orders them out of the city to continue their quest. Aliarra, seeing the devastation of the city, ponders.

Aliarra: I AM Chaotic, I don’t HAVE to listen to him.
DM: He IS your superior.
Aliarra: That’s why I qualified it with “I am Chaotic”. As much as I don’t like it, though, I’ll do as he says.

They turn down offers of healing and aid out of a desire to leave the town as much strength as possible. Faldoun summons his sword exactly in the manner of that high archangel from Diablo 3, whose name I forget, and offers a cask of his private stock to the one of his men with the most kills. Iglar appears to get in on this. The DM calls for Listen checks! Cissy hears skittering and voices. The group checks their language lists.

Aiden: Oh man, if I had known I just needed to speak in Demonic, I could comment on all the ladies around me and nobody would understand me. Ooh. Or Celestial! Like I’m telling my god…
Aliarra: Objectify women in the language of angels. Good work.
Aiden: What’re you talking about? Have you READ my book of religion? It’s all about it! Don’t mind the fact that most of it’s penned out… by me.
Aliarra: Yeah, I was gonna say. “The book of your religion”? Or “YOUR book of religion”? There’s a BIG difference.
Aiden: Thou shalt objectify women. Thou shalt objectify your neighbor’s wife. Constantly.
Aliarra: I would like to point out that my full plate mail is actually functional and completely covers my figure, just so you know. It’s not bikini plate…
Hanzo: There’s no such thing as full plate in an RPG!
DM: If she was anyone but Skeldric I would agree.
Aiden: Anyway, I’m not about the rape.
Aliarra: Right, you’re about the sleazy consent.
Hanzo: Sleazy?!

The DM, meanwhile, draws out a simple four-way intersection. Aliarra looks at it.

Aliarra: I go north, west, south, west.
DM: Ah… you find the Master Sword.
Aliarra: Whoo! What’re its stats?
DM: 1d8.

A pause.

Aliarra: What kind of shitty Master Sword is this? It’s not even magic.
DM: It’s, it’s... it’s very pretty.

The DM draws a cart blocking an alley, and Aiden bursts into laughter over it for five minutes straight. The group furiously attempts to position Cissy in the middle of all possible crossfire. Aiden and Aliarra argue over which miniature to use for Aliarra, as her mini of choice has a sword that blatantly extends into an entire extra square. Porcupine demons burst from the sewer!

Aliarra: Oh THOSE guys! The ones that explode when they hit water.
DM: (grimly) These are obviously now advanced. Several levels. Making this much more difficult. Thank you, Aliarra. “They explode when they hit the water! Oh!”

The DM continues to set out mini after mini after mini on the battlefield.

Aliarra: Remember how the DM said he found a way to deal with Drusila coming back into the campaign? I think that way was TPK.
DM: These things are the first things you ever encountered.
Aliarra: But you just said they were stronger!
DM: I was kidding. Because you were being an ass.
Aliarra: I assumed you were being serious. Because you’re an ass.
DM: This is true.

Initiative is rolled. Aiden makes jokes that are only acceptable for him to make. Mrrshala, who inevitably goes first, stalks forward to immediately drop a porcupine demon. The cursedly lucky porcupine demons go next and immediately scatter into spread-out, not-easily-AOE’d-down individuals, then start firing quills at the group. The quills are relatively small damage but only Reflex for half, making the demons an irritatingly reliable source of damage. It quickly becomes apparent, however, that it’s almost impossible to miss and one-shot the demons. Aliarra kills one that inexplicably has a minotaur miniature.

Aliarra: That minotaur was mino-terrible.
Cissy: You are not allowed to speak for the next five minutes.
Aliarra: Go ahead, try and enforce that.

A duergar pops up around the corner, then punches the ground, causing a wave of a stone to rocket towards them.

DM: I will now need a Reflex saving throw from everybody.
Hanzo and Aliarra: (in exact sync) 24.

The two look at each other for a moment, then burst into laughter.

DM: Nice.
Hanzo: Wow.
Aliarra: That was great!
Aiden: And a Reflex save once again yields shitty results.
Aliarra: See, this is the number one reason you should play a rogue. So you have a Reflex save. And then you can complain about Fortitude saves like the rest of us.

Cissy jockeys for position, then unleashes an ice storm on the duergar and a few of the quill demons. Hanzo’s turn comes up, but he refuses to step out and make a target of himself.

Aliarra: I like how fifteen of these dudes came out one sewer grate in the span of half a round. That’s great. It’s like a clown car exploded. As near as I can tell, they were in the sewer grate in one long shaft with a spring on the bottom.
Aiden: I see a cart overboard…
DM: From behind a fruit stand pops up another duergar!
Hanzo: Fruit staaaaaand! Where is he? Oh no…
DM: He pulls out a crossbow.
Hanzo: Firing into melee!
Aliarra: It’s not melee if it’s only us. Quick, start fighting each other, then he’ll get the minus four!
DM: Cissy, 14 damage as two bolts strike into you?
Aliarra: How did he fire twice?!
Cissy: I just got hit for 14 damage?
Hanzo: A feat.
DM: You notice a box on top of the crossbow.
Aliarra: REPEATING CROSSBOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
Cissy: Time out, what dealt me the damage?
Aliarra; Repeating crossbow.
Aiden: From what, the dwarf?
Aliarra: Yes. Try and keep up, guys.
Cissy: Does – does my mithril mist shirt help at all?
Aliarra: No!
DM: They went right through that sonovabitch.
Aliarra: It’s called armor class, that’s how it helps, and they beat it. Can I have the PHB when you are done with it?
Aiden: The PHP?
Aliarra: B. The BHP. Bard Handbook of Power.
Aiden: Book of Hapless Players.
Aliarra: That one’s better, I like that.

Mrrshala whacks the dwarf for 19. Porcupine demons shed quills everywhere, ticking up the damage. Aiden succeeds on a Reflex saving throw, to his shock and disbelief, and celebrates by zipping around to Chariots of Fire. Aliarra charges into the fray, annihilating her first target, then uses White Raven Tactics on herself to annihilate two more demons. The duergar acts at the same time.

Aliarra: So what’s he doing? (a long pause) What I HEAR is, he’s provoking an attack of opportunity.
DM: How’s he provoking an attack of opportunity?
Aliarra: I dunno, I don’t know what he’s doing.
Aiden: She’s just SAYING it, don’t listen to her lies!
DM: I’m trying to figure out what’s going through her crazy-ass head.
Aliarra: I’m trying to figure out what’s going through yours, and what I see is, “How can I NOT provoke an opportunity?”
Hanzo: You’re doing this mental Dragon Ball duel…

The dwarf crits Aliarra for 36. leaving her at 26 – 16 after her delayed damage pool empties, then moves. Aliarra rolls her AOO.

Aliarra: I rolled a 22 to hit him.
DM: On a five?!

Cissy debates her spell choices, then kills a porcupine demon. The crossbowdwarf’s turn comes up again.

Aliarra: Cissy’s going down! Cissy, roll a new character!
Cissy: Huh?
Aliarra: Roll a new character!
Mrrshala: What?
Cissy: Seriously? What happened to me now?!
Aliarra: Let’s find out.
DM: Listen to Aliarra, please!
Aiden: Yeah, when Aliarra opens her mouth and spouts out word, unless she’s the DM, it’s bullshit.
DM: It’s like liquid shit coming out of that mouth.
Hanzo: Whaddya mean, “unless” she’s the DM?

In fact, Aliarra is the one who takes the damage – another 14. Mrrshala moves up to attack – incompetently, as Aiden zips her miniature every which way but up, then starts making Aliarra and Mrrshala’s miniatures make out.

Aliarra: Stop molesting my character by proxy.

The spike demons riddle the area once again, as someone insists on demonstrating how pandas are shuffling, while Aiden regales everyone with a tale of X-COM – but also heals Aliarra, who was alarmingly low. Aliarra slays the geomancer dwarf, just as he causes a pillar of stone to fling her into the air, then knock her to the ground.

Aiden: But quickly, the perv comes in and catches her!
Aliarra: I have a restful crystal. (snores)
DM: That bring it down to Cissy.
Cissy: (totally not paying attention)
Aliarra: (after a long pause) Cissy passes.
Cissy: (suddenly looking up) What is she rolling?
Aliarra: Luckily the crossbow guy has a penalty to hit me if I’m prone. It could be my only hope.
DM: Not bloody likely.
Aliarra: Oh, there’s no hope. (rolling dice)
DM: What are you doing? Are you rolling up a new character?
Aliarra: …maybe.
Aiden: Heh heh, that’s a good idea! (picking up dice)
DM: You’re not even in trouble, and you’re like, “Roll a new character!”
Aliarra: Can I make a Strongheart halfling?
DM: No!
Aliarra: But I wanna!
DM: You’re not dead yet! …yet.

Everyone badmouths the ice knife spell. Hanzo bemoans his uselessness. The crossbowdwarf… botches.

DM: He fires. His repeating crossbow malfunctions. The arrow does fire out, but it hits the porcupine demon in front of him. It dies. And the clip he’s using explodes.
Aliarra: How does it explode?!
DM: It splinters. Not fiery!
Aiden: And it catches on fire.

Mrrshala advances, striking the dwarf, while a porcupine fires its quills. Cissy annihilates it with a magic missile, while Hanzo end the final porcupine demon. Aiden dispensing healing liberally, while they loot the bodies. No one has any means to identify the magic items.

Aliarra: “…Hey Mind of Kalroth, you know what any of this stuff is?”
Aiden: “Put me in your BRAIN!”
Aliarra: “God damn it.”
DM: (drawing a square with his finger) “Place Item Here.”

The book identifies a ring of protection, while Aiden complains about the identifying aspect of magic items.

DM: I had a dream, way back when we first started playing D&D. There was a bunch of us, the guys who played it. We got a ring of wishes. We wished for a car. Car comes down, we got in… (making a key-turning gesture and a noise of a car not starting) “Damn! It’s cursed!”
Aiden: I hate the nights whenever me and Aliarra have an argument, because that argument stays until I sleep, and it just keeps GOING as I sleep. We have this LONG argument about, like, MOO2 or something, and like every ten minutes I’m telling Aliarra to shut the fuck up. “Shut the fuck up! Damn it, sleep. Fuck, Aliarra! I’m not sleeping any more!”
Hanzo: Like a little bubble besides your pillow. “Evil pacifists! EVIL PACIFISTS!”
Aiden: “Shut up, Aliarra!”
Aliarra: Wow. This is the finest moment of my life.

Aliarra discovers the rod they found is an immovable rod, to her glee and delight, but the book can’t identify the scale mail. Traveling onwards, they reach the East Gate without further incident. The DM attempts to penalize Aliarra’s alignment for a joke, but accidentally penalizes her initiative instead.

DM: The necklace that Denelos had given you begins to vibrate.
Cissy: Cissy takes that out of Aliarra’s hands…
Aliarra: (pretending to be choked)
DM: Did you put in on?
Aliarra: No.
Hanzo: Denelos also gave us a couple of inflatable blimps! (making the farting-blimp noise and gesture)
Aliarra: (collapsing) God damn it…

Denelos instructs them to head down the road, then veer southeast. The DM laboriously describes the pleasant forest scenery on what is clearly a beautiful day, which naturally makes the players suspicious.

DM: It’s a beautiful day! LIKE IT, DAMN IT!
Aliarra: No! Beautiful means bad!
DM: Okay, you head off the road, north and east. At a diagonal.
Aliarra: Ohhh! We’re moving 6% more slowly than we would be if we were moving north, then east, then north, then east. (a pause) What? It’s true! That’s how the map works out in D&D!
Cissy: “Is Aliarra on the rag, is that why she’s cray-cray?”
Aliarra: What’s your armor class, Cissy?
Cissy: With my new ring of protection +46…
DM: Miles and miles you cover throughout the day…
Hanzo: Oh, we’re tired!
DM: Battered and beaten, trudging along…
Aliarra: I’m pretty good right now, thanks.
DM: Still battered and beaten—
Aliarra: I’m pretty good right now, thanks.
DM: GOD DAMN IT YOU’RE BATTERED AND BEATEN!
Aliarra: I’m four hit points down! What would you call six, “on death’s door”?!

The DM and Aliarra just burst into helpless laughter.

DM: You’re still tired!
Aliarra: I’ll give you tired.
DM: You come to the sparse edge of the forest.
Aliarra: (still laughing helplessly)
DM: Welp. (shutting his book and standing up) Good night!
Mrrshala: Cake time!
DM: Ooh, yeah, we should stop for cake soon. Soon.
Aliarra: Yeah, give me a little while longer to work off that regret sandwich…

The group prepares to camp for the night, predicting dire animals attack left and right (and reminiscing about that poor dire raccoon). The DM merrily trolls them with Spot and Listen checks, eventually telling Aliarra she hears something.

Aliarra: I rise, clench my signal whistle between my teeth, draw my guisarme—
DM: For an instant I thought you were going to say “thighs” for some reason, and I really don’t know why.
Aliarra: What is wrong with…

It’s an elk. Aliarra debates killing it for meat, but it escapes.

Aiden: What we don’t realize…
Hanzo: This is stalked by like the dire…
Aiden: This is Jerry the Elk, subject of the Chaos God.
Aliarra: Yeah, there’s a like a smilodon following it.
Hanzo: Smilodon!!
Aiden: Shaddup!
Aliarra: That’s okay, I’m the only one at this table who knows how to find the stats for it, so I’m not worried.
Hanzo: Yeah, we’ll just have to deal with the ankylosaurus instead!

The watch passes uneventfully, though. The DM needles the players about how wonderful the day is. The conversation wanders far afield, then down to hell, in the gradual but inevitable progression of a river meandering its way to sea. On the party continues, as the forest gets deeper and more evergreen-y. Aiden, considering new character ideas, suggests an ogre with Mike Tyson’s voice.

Aiden: (in the worst impression ever) “Hey, what’re you guys doing?”
Hanzo: (a literal inch from death)
DM: He sounded like the whiny gay Tyson.
Aiden: To me that’s what Mike Tyson sounds like.
Mrrshala: Hanzos’s gonna have cake up his sinuses for the next month.
Aliarra: Hey Aiden. Ghoere.
Hanzo: Not like that…
Aiden: No, no. “Here’s your problem. Too many toasters!”
Aliarra: (farting blimp)

Hanzo actually has to run for the bathroom to survive.

Aiden: I live for these moments, just like during the week, for the Sunday. “Yeaaaah!”
Aliarra: It’s the only joy in our sad pathetic lives.
Mrrshala: Yeah, it really is.
Aliarra: …stupid regret sandwich…

The group discovers what appears to be an abandoned, unused campsite. Mrrsahala spies a mound on the side, which quickly turns out to be a shallow grave. Aliarra persuades Aiden to given them at least cursory rites.

Aiden: “I send these noble travelers to the beyond.”
Hanzo: “Well we don’t actually know they were noble.”
Aiden: “I send these somewhat questionable travelers to the beyond.”
Aliarra: “We don’t know that they’re questionable either.”
Aiden: “I send these travelers of unknown alignment to the beyond of their god’s choice based on the choices they made in their lives—“
Aliarra: “Too waffling! Try again!”
Aiden: I’m Neutral Good, okay? “I send these travelers to their home in the afterlife.”
Aliarra: “Look, just mutter something in Celestial so we don’t know what you’re saying and can’t criticize you.”
DM: Mrrshala, while you are watching this, you look over to a mound of fresh mud and you swear you see what looks like a giant hoofprint.
Mrrshala: Hoofprint?
Hanzo: “The elk!”
Aliarra: Oh god damnit, we’ve left the dire elk to slay again. This is our fault!
Aiden: It’s just murdering people!
Aliarra: Oh my god, oh my god, it’s the Elder Elk of the Forest. It’s all come full-circle!

Hanzo suggests a Predator is responsible. The group has no ready answers for this, and elects to move on. A side-comment from Hanzo swiftly leads to the DM tracking rations. And on they travel, till night approaches.

DM: You set up your camp. Rations need to be eaten…
Hanzo: Maybe that’s our mistake. We shouldn’t set up camp. That’s what killed the last group.

Nevertheless, they do, and Hanzo is immediately harassed by elk on his watch. Aiden demands he kill them.

Aliarra: I like the theory where he accidentally kills Cissy, kills the rest of us to cover his mistake, and then moves on, leaving our abandoned campsite behind. It turns out that other campsite was his first adventuring party, a couple years ago…
DM: That’s how he got to fourth level.

The elk nibbles on Aliarra’s tent. A crude boner joke is made, to general approbation. Aiden seriously attempts to detect evil on the elks, which shockingly are not evil.

Aiden: The elks are true neutral, they’re not a threat.
Hanzo: Ah! He was waiting to see if we’d attack them, THEN the druids would show.
Aiden: It’s a druid trap. They’re druids doing a TV show.
DM: What is this, “To Catch a Predator”?
Aliarra: Well-played, sir. Well-played.

The DM sings the cheesy ‘morning’ song one would expect to hear in a cartoon. Not for the first time.

Aliarra: That’s our real enemy, whoever keeps doing that.
DM: “Uh-oh!” You rise, you break your fast… another ration please.
Aliarra: What, more rations? I’m marking these off, no one else is, why am I being singled out?
DM: You don’t have rations, you gotta take account for hunger.
Aliarra: Mrrshala isn’t even paying attention!
Aiden: Lunchtime! Mark off another ration.
DM: Snack time!
Aliarra: We’re not hobbits!
DM: Onesies!
Aliarra: Tea!
Aiden: Midafternoon snack!
Aliarra: Second breakfast! Tighten your belt, Bilbo…
Aiden: Elevensies…
Aliarra: If there’s one thing I’ve learned from reading Lord of the Rings, it’s that tightening your belt always substitutes for a ration.
Hanzo: And thinking about bacon and eggs.
Aliarra: Po-ta-toes.
Hanzo, Aiden, and Aliarra: Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew!

Onwards they go, and this time as they travel they scent a wood fire at midday! Clambering up a hill, they see an encampment!

Hanzo: Mos Eisley Spaceport.
Aiden: I believe we’re in the area of this continent known as Grizzly Peaks. This is a human lumber camp, where the humans and the orcs fight over it constantly…
Aliarra: A lumber camp, huh? (mimes looking through a spyglass)
DM: Do you actually have a spyglass?
Aliarra: No. I was doing that, I was testing to see if he would fall for it and describe it better.

Foolishly, the group advances forward with Aiden in front. The loggers in the camp greet them cheerfully.

DM: “Hey Maurice, it’s another one!”
Aiden: “Another one?”
DM: “Yeah, we get all kinds of visitors up here! Mostly Banglasharan!”
Aiden: (nervously) “Ah…” Sweatin’ in the collar!
DM: “And one bigass guy! One of them minotaurs you hear up north.”
Aliarra: Oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood…
Hanzo: What was his name?
Aliarra: Ignir.

It turns out they’re hunting the being responsible for mauling Drusila’s father! Realizing that they cannot abandon their friend and their comrade to face her quest alone (NPCs don’t count), the group decides to find Drusila and rejoin her… but that is a tale for another night….