Last time, as you may recall, the group had returned from the elven lands with the Mind of Kalroth (in convenient book form). They follow Denelos into his study to speak with him further.

DM: His office, is nice, large, has a big desk, lots of sofas and couches. “Please, have a seat.”
Aliarra: I look at my [spiked] armor, then look at his sofa.
DM: “Aliarra. Please stand.”
Aliarra: I’ve got to get that armor that I can just make go on and off with a word. (digging for dice) All the d6s are on top!
DM: I wonder why.
Aliarra: I’ve been playing Vampire. Very incompetently. For some reason I just can’t succeed on anything I do…

They tell Archmage Denelos of their encounters with the elven lord, and he in turn tells them he has some leads on the remaining parts.

Aiden: I’m getting tired of this wild goose chase.
Aliarra: What wild goose chase? We’ve been astoundingly successful thus far.
Hanzo: Which is exactly what he did not want. That puts us in danger!
Aliarra: It’s been taking too long, he hasn’t gotten enough tang.
Aiden: Since this adventure began, I’ve gotten zero.

Denelos offers them a place to stay for the night and food, which the players happily accept.

Aliarra: “Ah, a bath, I could use one.”
Hanzo: “I second that.”
Aliarra: “For me or for you?”
Hanzo: “For you.”

They head up a tower, going through the various floors – past an alchemy lab on the third floor, a group study area on the fourth, the library on the fifth, and finally to the top.

Hanzo: “Aliarra, where do these stairs go?”
Aliarra: “Up.”
Hanzo: “Let me know when we get to your floor. I’m gonna throw up.”
Aliarra: I don’t know why he hates me so much all of a sudden. Is this something to do with your secret conversation with the DM? You found out that my noble family was responsible for the extermination of your ninja clan?
Hanzo: They are?
Aliarra: Not to MY knowledge, but who knows what the backstory goes like?
Aiden: No, you just shit on their graves.
Aliarra: Damn it! I knew all that grave-shitting would come back to haunt me!
Hanzo: No, you’re just the one who’s talking.
DM: “I do this in Skeldric’s name!” (grunting and straining)
Aliarra: Skeldric didn’t grant me his favor for NOT pooping on graves, you know.

They finally reach their floor, with a massive firepit, booze and amenities galore, and food poofing onto the table as they arrive.

Aliarra: For the first time in I don’t know how long, Aliarra sheds her armor.
Aiden: Did you go in a room before you did that?
Aliarra: I had on underclothing!
Aiden: I just imagine you, “Ah ha, finally!” Buching!
Aliarra: Yes, that’s right, bare skin directly against solid plate.
Aiden: No, I just mean, taking it off… anywhere. Think you’d want to put them in a case or something.
Aliarra: It’s just armor. It’s +1 armor, do you realize how hard it is to damage this crap?
Aiden: Well the floor is +3. Her armor just shatters on the ground…
Aliarra: I put it in the rust monster closet – THE RUST MONSTER CLOSET!? Why was that here?!

The group relaxes, looking over their loot list and making sure it’s distributed. Aliarra threatens Hanzo with a d4.

Aliarra: You get 1, you live. You get 2, you die.
Hanzo: What are you, Four-Face?
Aliarra: Yes, I collapsed, then a metal place landed on my face, smashing it up, and then this half got splashed by acid, they managed to get a skin graft from up here but I ran out of suitable skin down here, so I only got the quarter. One, you live. Two, you die. Three, I commit suicide. Four… beavers.
DM: You enjoy a great slumber. Eary in the morning, around sunrise, Aliarra, you awake to find the Book of Kalroth on your lap, open. As if sensing you awake, it starts to write out, “Good morning, Aliarra!”
Hanzo: Oh God, you’ve got the diary!
Aliarra: Shit! Welp, I’m the Heir of Slytherin now.
DM: “I do not mean to alarm you but there seems to be a spike in thaumic activity, and arcane energy seems to be rising at an exponential rate. I suggest your group get moving.”
Aliarra: “Everybody wake up! The book says the tower’s about to explode!”
Hanzo: I kept TELLING him that you spoke Parseltongue.

Cissy sits bolt upright, as the magic energy effects her with particular strength.

Cissy: “Ooh, that’s tingly!”
Aliarra: Oh God, what has Cissy been doing? Cissy yells that she’s tingly in her funny places, we all recoil.
Cissy: “Something’s wrong! Something is wrong!”
Aliarra: “In my basement area!” More yeast than Drusila’s bakery!
Aiden: Wow. We’ve crossed the first line for the evening.
Aliarra: Hey, that’s a whole new line we’ve crossed. Yeast.
Cissy: There’s no line we haven’t crossed at this table.

Cissy bolts for the stairs, but as soon as she reaches them the energy releases! She fails a saving throw and becomes dazed and confused – which the DM quickly clarifies as just dazed, mechanics-wise, since confused is BAD. The firepit erupts upwards into an elemental! Initiative! …Hanzo lacks a die to roll it with, and Aliarra starts passing him some.

Aliarra: We’re gonna find one that suits you! It’s like picking a wand. The die chooses the gamer! There: aquamarine, rigid, with a core of thestral hair.
Hanzo: …6.

The fire elemental acts first, of course, socking Hanzo with one attack for 14 damage but failing to set him on fire. Aliarra steps forward to attack.

DM: Aliarra, what move are you doing?
All: FOEHAMMER!
DM: Excellent move.

Aliarra, who is using the Orange God d20, rolls another attack, which Hanzo stares at in awe.

Hanzo: Damn, that thing DOES roll good for you! Holy shit! Jesus Christ! It might not be BS behind the screen!

Everyone takes a moment to once again mock Aliarra for appearing to auto-declare a hit while still rolling the dice. Aliarra whacks the elemental good, uses White Raven tactics to whack it again, then Mrrshala steps up and punches her ranseur through it. Aiden zips forward to cure Hanzo.

DM: From the booze cabinet, two bottles of booze!
Aliarra: Oh shit, it’s animating objects. I think it just ate an AOO from me.
DM: It’s hovering above you!
Aliarra: How high is it?!
DM: Oh, you have ten feet, you probably could. Try!
Aliarra: Die, booze!

Hanzo misses his own stab with a mere 11. The booze dumps out itself out on the ninja!

DM: Fortitude save!
Hanzo: Me?!
DM: Oh, Reflex save, sorry.
Aliarra: It’s pouring itself down your throat, roll Fortitude to not get drunk!
DM: It’s pouring spirits into your eyes.
Hanzo: 28. I can’t hit anything but nothing can hit me! I’m Deadpool…

An animated sword whacks, I think, Hanzo for 5 points, while the fireplace poker attempts to stab Aliarra and misses. Hanzo stabs the elemental!

DM: You’re using your kamas, right?
Hanzo: (no response)
DM: You’re using your kamas, right?
Hanzo: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aliarra: He had no kama-ent.
DM: Huh?
Cissy: Bad pun.
DM: It swivels around and slam-attacks Aliarra!
Aliarra: I guess you and it had nothing in “kama-n”.
DM: Minus four to everything for the rest of the night.

Aliarra takes two blows for a total of 16, and fails her Reflex saving throws, thereby bursting into flames. She pauses to ponder if putting herself out is worthwhile.

DM: Catching on fire… (muttering the rules out loud) …see page 303?! It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure! The Monster Manual tells you to go to this page, that page says go to another page…

Aliarra heals herself for exactly as much damage as she took with her next strike, and then argues with Mrrshala about her habit of spelling out exactly what her moves do every time she acts. Her Ruby Nightmare Blade slays the elemental, to Aiden’s irritation.

Cissy: So he is removed.
DM: Yes. Replace it with ash from a cigarette butt.

With Ice Axe still in hand, Aiden vents his spleen on the animated sword, one-shotting it effortlessly. The poker hits Aliarra for one point of damage, while Hanzo smashes a booze bottle. Aliarra fails to put herself out.

DM: Cissy!
Cissy: “DID I MISS ANYTHING!?”

The irritated PCs decide to go complain to Denelos, while Aiden loots the ash (and finds nothing).

DM: Are you guys gonna loot the booze? For all your troubles! FREE BOOZE!
Aiden: Didn’t we smash the glass, booze all over the floor?
DM: Two bottles.
Aliarra: That was all that was left.

The DM erases the inside of the map, but not the tower walls themselves. They realize that more fights are coming on the way down and send Hanzo down to investigate.

Aliarra: Sneak ahead, don’t alert anything, if you get spotted retreat back up the stairs.
Aiden: The DM’s doing all of this to extend the campaign. There’s nothing ahead of us! He’s just fucking with us!
Aliarra: He’s like, “Yeah, this is all I had. That one encounter. Oh, there’s still two hours to go.”
Aiden: So we’re just gonna go through every level, and there’ll be nothing there.
DM: (shuts book, gets up) Fine.
Aiden: The DM just goes to his room, closes the door. We walk up to it. “Hey DM, are you gonna finish the game? DM?” “Leave me alone!”
DM: (with his mouth full) Bah goo dam, hea ake a oof ilely holl.
Hanzo: I’ll wait – oh, Move Silently?
Aiden: I had no idea what you were saying at first!
Aliarra: I understood it.
Mrrshala: I did too.
Aliarra: That “move silently” is kind of distinct.

Hanzo creeps down the stairs, only to see bookshelves in their way! He immediately reaches for his alchemist’s fire.

Aiden: I don’t think it entirely is a good idea if we set the entire library on fire.
Hanzo: Yeah, you say that now. When we all start shrieking in page.
DM: Just don’t tell Denelos you did it.
Hanzo: You really want me to do this? ‘Cuz I will.
Aliarra: It probably would be better if we found out what we were actually up against.
Aiden: It’s just a bunch of kids playing a prank on us, and we set them on fire! We got past and there’s just all these little burned bony bodies and our alignment just shifts to Chaotic Evil instantly.

Stepping out, Hanzo provokes initiative rolls. A book hits Hanzo in the face, for a damage number which the DM unfortunately mumbles.

Hanzo: FOUR HUNDRED?
Aiden: That’s what I heard! You’re dead!
Aliarra: I didn’t hear four hundred. I heard forty.
Cissy: I heard forty also. Good god!
DM: Four points. Four points.

Aliarra steps down to absorb damage like a good tank, and the rest of the group piles onto the stairs behind us. The shelves are arranged like a freaking maze.

Aliarra: I charge.
DM: Where’re you charging?
Aliarra: I’m crashing into the bookcase, goddamnit. Does this count as a trip if I’m trying to knock it over or how do we play this?
DM: I’m going to need a… Strength… check?
Aiden: I think you need to overpower it, I don’t think you can trip a book.
Aliarra: I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m smashing the fuck out of it. (rolling) 19.
Hanzo: Damn! That thing – every time she banks it off the Fig Newton it’s gold.
DM: Books go cascading down, but not enough to plow through it.

Aiden casts Fire Shield on himself, mostly for the lulz. Cissy prepares to cast a room-destroying Wall of Fire on the bookshelves, and Aliarra, but is dissuaded, and instead breaks out her sling.

Cissy: Is there a d3 around here?
Aliarra: …it’s a d6 divided by two. How would you have a three-sided die?
Cissy: Three points of damage!
DM: And a book entitled “How to Deal with Pain” knocks into Hanzo for three points of damage.
Aiden: It’d have been funnier if it was a book on pirates.
Aliarra: “Why Pirates Are Superior, Vol. 1”.
Hanzo: Well-played.

Aliarra rolls a 21 to kick over a shelf, but it’s inadequate. They give up smashing through as a bad job and decide instead to just get the hell through. Aiden climbs up onto the top of a shelf. The DM draws out the rest of the bookshelves now that he can see them, baffling the players as to where the hell all these bookshelves came from! The group begins moving forward into the bookshelf maze; Hanzo clambers up, Cissy botches her Climb roll…

Aiden: Really – do the math with me real quick, I really think there’s way more bookshelves than there was possible in this room originally. Ooh, I know exactly what needs to be done. Disbelieve this fucker!
DM: Six points of damage to Aliarra as two books careen into you, one critting! Hits you right in the temple.
Hanzo: Have you ever been critted by a book?
Aliarra: Yes, now.

Forward they continue to go! Books pelt them obstinately as they clamber laboriously over the bookshelves to the other side of the room. Finally, they reach the stairs at the far side of the room. Somehow an Epic Rap Battle of History erupts. The next floor down is the group study area.

Cissy: So we’re trying to make our way out of the tower, basically. Aww, we have five levels of this crap to go through! Son of a bitch!
Hanzo: Tower of Druaga…
Aliarra: Denelos is gonna be down at the bottom. “Aw, I hope you had a good night’s sleep?” (making dramatic pipe-smoking gestures) Puffing out a huge cloud of smoke to prevent us from hitting him.
DM: It’s fear. “I had to test you…”
Cissy: “I never liked Cissy, I wanted her to die. I was hoping the elves would execute her.”

Cissy furiously fireballs a table (with the full support and approval of the rest of the group) for 29 points of damage.

DM: Your fireball goes off in a great fiery explosion!
Aliarra: ...guess that’s better than the alternative.
Cissy: Your fireball fizzles out!
Aiden: Your fireball vanishes into nothing.
DM: It’s just like a fart. Pbbt.

The tower rumbles and the DM demands a d20 roll from everyone! Everyone rolls TERRIBLY somehow.

Cissy: The tower crumbles on everybody because everybody rolls crap. This DM, the first DM in our history to wipe out the player group.
Aliarra: TPK! TPK! TPK!
Aiden: Team Player Killer?
Cissy: Yes. Yes, that’s what we’re going for.
DM: The tower rumbles! The ground beneath you shatters and falls out beneath you.
Cissy: It’s an illusion!
Aiden and Aliarra: Illusionary Pit!
Aiden: We’re gonna starve to death before anything happens!
Aliarra: I hope someone passed.
Aiden: No!
DM: Hanzo, you notice that this is not real.
Cissy: So everyone’s laying on the ground going, “AAAAAAH!”

Hanzo merrily notifies the others that the spell is an illusion, granting them a new saving throw at a +4 bonus. Most people roll well…

Cissy: I’m still falling.
Hanzo: Aliarra, quick, slap her back to her senses!
Cissy: “Aaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!”
DM: Now that you’ve seen past the illusion, all the furniture is now smashed up against the wall and spread across it. All the tables, chairs…
Cissy: What about the ones I burned to a crisp?
Aliarra: They didn’t exist.
Aiden: You didn’t burn anything.
Cissy: They didn’t exist?! Son of a bitch!
Aiden: I told you we should’ve disbelieved it!

They scramble across the room. Aliarra guards their retreat in the center of the room, and promptly gets a fireball out of nowhere dropped on her.

DM: Make your Reflex saving throw.
Aliarra: Fail my Reflex sa-oh whoa, whoa, no, 24.
Hanzo: Jesus CHRIST, that thing hasn’t rolled under 15 all night…

Aliarra hurriedly abandons her position and they scramble down to the next level. It appears to put them on a ledge over the alchemist area, and the group hurriedly argues over whether they should engage in an optional encounter. For no clear reason, everyone starts rolling up new characters.

Aiden: Well, I tripped down the stairs, I’m going at 8.
Aliarra: Dude, if you tripped down the stairs, you’d be going first, and your action would be ‘falling’.

They’re not on a ledge, but on a hallway that skirts the outside of the alchemy research area. Aliarra and Mrrshala squabble fiercely over how how Mrrshala is moving, since the latter refuses to move her mini herself and Aliarra is intent on plunging her into doom based on literal interpretations of her words. The DM puts down the phoenix miniature as they advance forward.

DML Yes, you’re fighting a phoenix.
Aliarra: Son of a—
Aiden: I don’t think we can kill a phoenix.
Hanzo: It comes right out of the cauldron. It’s a roc!
Mrrshala: Do we smell what that roc is cooking?
Cissy: Cissy does whatever dice she can grab damage. Aww, I rolled crap.
DM: You see a large humanoid figure that seems to be filled with a substance that’s swirling behind a thick membrane.
Mrrshala: Oh god, it’s Chemo.
Aiden: Chemo Man?
Mrrshala: No, it’s a DC villain.
Cissy: That’s right, it’s Chemo. It thinks the rest of us are cancer on the tower.

Tremendous silence.

Cissy: Okay, that was bad.
Hanzo: A soup golem, that’s what it is. We have to attack it with large chunks of bread!

The group discusses whether or not this is a custom creature, or a creature with stats derived from an existing one and a custom skin, as it were.

Aliarra: Oh no, we’re fighting a Vader elemental.
Aiden: He’s made of liquid Force.

Mrrshala attacks him, discovering his AC is alarmingly high in the process, and deals 36 points of damage. The alchemical fluid inside it douses Mrrshala as it pours out of the room; she dodges, but a puddle of goo remains on the ground, making that square pernicious! Aliarra’s 23 bounces off the thing, but Mrrshala – acting under White Raven Tactics – strikes the thing again.

DM: HAND CANNON! You all melt. Game over. I’m out. Going to sleep. (making snoring noise)
Aliarra: Dude! A, at least go in your room to do that. B, at least close your eyes!
DM: Oh, sorry. Mrrshala, you take 12 points of damage, plus six acid damage.
Aiden: And you’re turned to stone. And you’re floating.

Cissy attempts to cast a 5th level spell – keep in mind, the characters are only level 7. (She’s mistaken on how the rules for bonus spells work.) Instead, she blasts it with a Scorching Ray for 24. Aiden creates 14 gallons of water.

DM: Put two right in front of it.
Hanzo: Two more puddles?!
DM: In front of Hanzo, and on Hanzo. You diluted it, it only does half damage now. Hanzo, make a Reflex saving throw! Your athlete’s foot is cured…

Aliarra openly questions if the group can defeat this creature, and promptly gets punched for 24. Cissy hurls an Orb of Lightning at it for 30. Aiden follows up with a scorching ray and Aliarra with a blow, but the construct is still going! Cissy finally blasts the thing with a magic missile!

DM: Your four missiles fly into it. Thoomp, thoomp, thoomp – blooosh!
Aliarra: Reflex saves for all.
DM: Yeah, Reflex saves for everyone who’s around the area. That’s Aiden, Cissy, and Aliarra.
Aliarra: 18, does that succeed?
DM: It does not.
Aliarra: You should’ve just told me I had no chance of succeeding on this roll.

Aliarra promptly collapses to negative hit points, though Aiden furiously fast-healing bursts people back to health. With that, though, the game must disband so a player can get home promptly!