With joy, delight, and cynicism, the group has picked back up the old Adventurers’ Guild game! As last you may remember, the group had been neck-deep in a dungeon when the sad loss of Iglar put the game on hold. The DM has elected to wipe that dungeon, and consequently gives them the treasure they would have gotten, as well as enough XP to get them to the next level. In addition, he allows Dian to rebuild his character from crappy monk to awesome unarmed swordsage. The list of treasure is extensive and detailed.

DM: Three magnificently-crafted prayer mats…
Sargassas: Three…
Khoriane: Three magnificently crafted prayer mats?
DM: I can feel the anger building…
Sargassas: You said TWO golden bracelet?
Dian: FIIIIIIIVE GOLDEN RIIIIIIINGS!
Sargassas: How many matched pearls?
DM: There are no magic pearls!
Sargassas: MATCHED! MATCHED!
Dian: Four matching pearl, three prayer mats, two gold… (dissolving into giggles)
DM: That’s it, I’m quitting the game.
Dian: And a partridge on a tapestry! I can’t help it!

The DM continues through the list, eventually arriving at a 1/3rd sculpture of a minotaur, which absolutely baffles and confuses the group… more so.

Ralth: It’s not going to be any magic weapons or anything, it’s all stuff for decorating our house.
DM: I’m not certain how you’re getting it out, but there it is.
Ralth: Is it live sized?
DM: It’s a third size… of a minotaur, man!
Sargassas: Well, that’s going in the garden.
Ralth: And all our piddly amounts of money are going to fucking plants.
Sargassas: I’m glad you gave this to us now, because if you had told us this before, I would’ve torn it up and told you to reroll.

The treasure list finally gets into magic items, substantially improving the group’s mood, except for the fact that the characters have no way to identify the items and the DM stubbornly refuses to clue them in.

DM: You find an amulet with a piece of amber that contains a wasp.
Dian: Summon Dire Wasp or whatever.
Khoriane: Like an amulet of Control Vermin.
Dian: It summons some kind of nasty-ass wasp to fight for us…
Sargassas: Is that the real name of it?
DM: No, you don’t know what it is.
Khoriane: I have detect magic.
DM: Okay, you detected that it’s magic, good for you. You don’t know what it is or what it does.
Sargassas: I don’t wanna write ‘amulet with amber bug in it’!
DM: You find a perfectly clear crystal, like a rod about this long.
Sargassas: Perfectly… clear... crystal… rod… of beating the fuck out of the DM… for writing out all the goddamn loot…
DM: It wouldn’t have been so bad if you had gotten it in sequence. This is five different encounters’ worth of loot.

Sargassas cheers up when the group is awarded a chain shirt, for no understandable reason. The DM skips over the entire adventure, to explain they found the druid they were seeking in front of a font newly bubbling over with water.

DM: Clearly magical in some nature. Around it there are massive channels in the ground, that have been filled with water since you turned on the waterworks, that flows in intricate patterns. Obviously magical.
Ralth: That does sound kind of cool. I’m sorry we missed it.
DM: Well, I’m picking up right here, you’re standing in front of it. This was… an important setpiece, you had to find out about.
Sargassas: We take a moment to mourn our dead friend who died in the last confrontration.
Ralth: He’s here!
DM: No, he swam off, chasing spiders down the river, as you recall.
Ralth: I inspect the font.
DM: It’s a font. What specifically are you looking for?
Ralth: Search around it for any oddities.
DM: Well, aside from the massive magical runes and flowing water and so forth. The font is coming out with all sorts of black filthy water as water works through the pipes, but it’s clearing up as water pours out. It seems inexpressibly deep. Looking into it, you have the sense that you’re looking almost into another world, and as the water continues to clear, you can see deeper down, and deeper down, but still you can’t see the bottom.
Sargassas: I’m now convinced. If you were born twenty years earlier, you would be a writer at… uh, they used to do all the old adventure games. Sierra.
DM: I’m not certain if that’s a compliment or an insult!
Sargassas: It’s a compliment, it’s just the way he said, “I inspect the font,” I imagine you typing in, “inspect font.” “It’s a font.” “Fuck! I know that!”

The druid is unconscious from neglect and starvation, having failed to work the font by virtue of having skipped all the important stuff that turned in on. They attempt to revive him. Sargassas steps up to roll a Heal check.

Sargassas: I take a bite.
Ralth: “He’s deaaads… Whats?”
Sargassas: “We has to preserves his bodys in my stomaches.”

Sargassas guides the party in ministering the druid, though is unable to restore him to consciousness. Ralth mentions Thieves’ Cant among his language, prompting awe and lightning strikes.

Ralth: Mostly just demihuman and common. Common, Halfling, Dwarven, and Gnomish.
DM: Dwarven?! This is a dwarven ruin, if you recall.
Ralth: Oh yeah! It HAS been a while, give me a break.

Reading the runes on the well, Ralth gets a bunch of religious text that seem to focus on seeing into the mind of the gods, but no instructions. Sargassas is able to determine that this well seems to be a focus for some sort of divine intercession, but Khoriane is able to identify the well as a location where, if money were to be tossed in the pool, divine insight might result.

Sargassas: I flip a coin in… “Cookies are delicious!”
Ralth: That’s what you get for a copper.
Khoriane: I have my own money. So I have a gold piece on me. What’ll happen if I throw a gold piece in there?
DM: Are you asking me… hypothetically, or—
Khoriane: No, Khori will throw a gold piece in there!
DM: What was in your mind when you tossed in the coin?
Khoriane: Um… well…
Ralth: “What’s happening?!”
Sargassas: Probably skepticism, like, “This isn’t going to work.”
Khoriane: No! “In the spirit of this place, take my tribute.” Then I threw the coin in.
DM: It seems to be waiting for something. There is a sort of pregnant pause in the air.
Sargassas: (snickering, very maturely)
Everyone: (just watching Sargassas slowly break down)
Sargassas: I don’t… I… (bursting into hysterical laughter) I’m trying to work out in my head…
DM: SOMEone’s never heard that term before.
Sargassas: I HAVEN’T!
Khoriane: Then her mind will wander and she’ll be like, “I hope the druid is okay.”
DM: “YES.”
Ralth: “Thank you, come again.”
Sargassas: I will tries. Coins into the waters. Coin-sss. Coin singulars! Into the water!
DM: What was in your mind when you tossed in the coin?
Sargassas: “Will I taste the tenders flesh of humans again?”
DM: “YES.”
Sargassas: “Yays!”
Ralth: (suspiciously) “What did you ask it?”
Sargassas: “I asks if I would be able to taste delicious foods again.”
Ralth: “Hmmm. An easy answer… Why does it feel more sinister?”
Dian: “YES!” This fountain is…
Khoriane: It’s very exuberant.
Dian: “YES!”

Sargassas proposes to uproot the entire font stone-by-stone and carry it home, at which the DM vows to start enforcing encumbrance rules. The party takes a moment to refresh themselves on the particulars of their mission, not certain if this font is part of them or not.

Sargassas: (not seriously) Oh, I know what to do. I take out my silver mace and I throw it in.
DM: You clog the mechanism! The water bubbles to a stop, and then sinks!
Sargassas: I expected like a dwarf fairy to come out and be like, “Take your stupid mace back.”
DM: “Did you drop a golden mace? Or a silver mace?”
Sargassas: I don’t know which one is more useful.
DM: If you lie about what you dropped in, you get turned into a newt or something, I don’t remember how the story goes.

Ralth searches the druid for information, but finds nothing. Somehow the revelation that the druid is male turns into horrible jokes at Ralth’s expense.

DM: I rolled on Player Backgound. Impotence, right there.
Ralth: What the fuck, man?
Sargassas: What kind of horrible chart would that be? Roll for five traits about your character, okay… Short for your species, fuck.
Ralth: Impotent.
Dian: AIDS?!
DM: Clubfoot!
Ralth: And fallen arches.
Sargassas: Big knees.
DM: Take it up with Gary Gygax, man.

Sargassas continues to salivate over the druid. Ralth sneaks up the stairs at the back of the room, rolling a Move Silently as he does so.

DM: The stairs are relatively short.
Ralth: Hey!

The door up top is locked, but Ralth pops it open with seemingly no difficulty. He hears nothing, but smells something funny, and hurries back to get the rest of the party.

Ralth: “Dian, you take front.”
Dian: (a long pause) I have no idea what the voice for this character was.
Ralth: Wasn’t it Christopher Lee?
DM: Yes, Christopher Lee.
Dian: Was it – it was?!
DM: “Give me your pants, boy, I demand them.”
Dian: “Fornication for pizza…” Damn, my Christopher Lee is rusty.
Ralth: “Lollipops.”
Dian: (struggling with his voice a moment) Aaah, it’s hard to stop when you’ve started. “Burglar my nurglar, shurglar!”
Ralth: “So I burglared my nurglar, and I shurglared all over the place!”
Dian: “As I rise the staircase…” (realizing what he sounds like) Fucking vampire… dragon… I’m a Draculaborn, see, blah! I’m changing prestige class! And Ralth can be my Igor!
Ralth: (Igor voice) “Right away, master!”
DM: Well, this campaign took an interesting turn… except I have to point out that Igor was Frankenstein! Renfield was Dracula!
Dian: I’m going by Van Helsing rules—
DM: GOD DAMN VAN HELSING!

Dian finally kicks open the door and must immediately roll a Fort save! Noxious acid fumes start slamming everyone for Con damage – Dian takes 4, Ralth only 1.

Sargassas: What’s the RP for that? Them vomiting or something?
DM: Imagine they got acid to the face. Furious, noxious acid fumes. They’re choking, gagging, coughing, eyes watering, mouth burning, sinuses feeling like they’ve flushed through an entire case of Grape Nehi –
Sargassas: “Perhaps we should not venture in there!”

Peering in, they see a glass bridge over a massive pit of acid, to their begrudgingly awed horror. The DM starts drawing it out. With a skilled Spot check, Ralth spots what appears to be a humanoid figure composed of pure force on a narrow platform far off to the side. They eye it with fully-justified alarm. Ralth hurls caltrops past where the figure’s gaze intersects the bridge, but it does not respond. Finally, Ralth himself walks past it.

DM: No sooner do you step onto that square than the golem—
Ralth: Force golem!
DM: What appear to be eyes pop open in the planes of force that shape its head, and fix upon you.
Ralth: Timed event, eh?
Dian: Ah, in character I can’t help you.
Ralth: Yell something? I’m right here.
Dian: No, in character I don’t have the knowledge to help you.
Ralth: I don’t recall anything about force golems.
Dian: I do! (cackling)

Initiative occurs! Ralth immediately eats a ranged touch attack; it does no damage, but Ralth must make an opposed Strength check, which naturally he fails. Into the acid he goes, taking 2 fall damage and 2 acid damage. Khoriane steps up and takes a point of Con damage from the acid. She promptly unloads an eldritch blast directly into the golem’s immunity to magic.

Khoriane: So it did absolutely nothing? That’s bullshit.
DM: Immunity to magic, that’s why I checked.
Khoriane: It’s not magic, though, it’s a spell-like ability.
DM: It’s a spell-like ability that allows spell resistance, that’s what its immunity to magic covers.
Ralth: Golems suck.
Dian: Yeah, that’s why he specifically wants to get back at ME.
Khoriane: No! No! No! Who’s he getting back at? ME.
DM: I’d like to point out I designed this encounter—
Sargassas: Long before anything.

Sargassas, meanwhile, discovers after several minutes of searching that acid can’t be purified with purify water. Ralth ponders getting back on the bridge…

Ralth: The space between the bridge and the acid is… a couple feet? Exactly two feet?
DM: I’ll allow that.
Ralth: How wide is a halfling?
DM: How wide is a halfling? You could squeeze under there.
Ralth: I might pop this spider climb instead.
DM: I don’t hate that…
Sargassas: I put [the druid] down here, I don’t know if you want me to make a roll for him or not.
DM: No, I took care of that already.
Ralth: He’s dead.

He isn’t really. Dian steps forward and burns off his Con, then starts looking up his abilities. The DM peers at his adventure notes.

DM: I like how when I wrote this adventure, I wrote down exactly the password to say and how to say it to not get attacked despite the fact that you had no real way of finding that out. I suppose it was always possible that you could’ve done some sort of scrying or divination to find out…
Khoriane: No, no… you know what we could do? We could go back downstairs and pay a gold and ask if there’s any way to get past the golem.
DM: “YES!” That’s your answer, yes.
Sargassas: It wouldn’t have been a complex answer.

Dian, newly-recreated, makes a Jump check to vault over the acid and bull rush the golem (to gain space on its platform). He rolls a natural 20 on the opposed strength check.

DM: All right. You land on the edge of its platform, draw back a hand, and slam it into the force golem’s chest. You hammer it so hard that it slams into the back wall, leaving an indentation of itself in the stonework as powdered masonry crumbles all around you.
Sargassas: Exalted-style!
Sargassas: “No halfling friend of mine will die in a pool of acid!”

After a long digression over which maneuver Dian MEANT to select as opposed to which one he actually selected, the golem emits a force burst that fails to knock Dian off the platform. Ralth clambers underneath the glass, out of the acid. Khoriane fires an eldritch blast into the stone platform, attempting to rend it, but it merely crumbles.

Sargassas: If we had a wizard, high enough level… Wall of Force. Walk on through, just walk on through…

Sargassas casts mass aid to buff everyone, Dian delivers a strength-draining strike, finding some of his damage warded away, but delivering 2 points of strength damage.

DM: You notice the planes of force visibly wilt. It’s gone from Schwarzenegger to just Stallone.
Sargassas: That’s quite the downgrade! Stallone’s not all that big!
Dian: I mean, it’s not all that uncommon, one in five guys…

The golem attempts to knock Dian back… and fails due to the ONE POINT MODIFIER drained by that strike. Ralth fires his hand crossbow at the golem, then continues to scramble towards the golem in the hopes of flanking it and attacking it. A furious Khoriane finally decides to fly over to strike it with her mace, dealing 1 damage after DR is applied. Dian strikes it with Sapphire Nightmare Blade, and the golem returns fire by shoving Dian into the acid! Ralth and Sargassas merely advance; Khori deals another 1 point of damage and takes 7 in return from its AOO. Dian stands and eats an AOO, but then the golem misses on its next blast of force.

Sargassas: Has it underestimated the distance?
Dian: No, it’s overestimated the threat I posed.
DM: It missed! It missed, that’s all there is to it! Ralth!

Ralth jockeys for position but even with Dian’s stance, can’t get flanking benefits. Shrugging, he attacks.

Ralth: I’m using my silver dagger!
DM: …silver dagger does LESS damage, dude.
Ralth: Do they?
DM: Yes, they do one point less damage.
Ralth: Oh, then I’m using my regular dagger. One.
DM: Pling!
Sargassas: Did you add your Strength to that?
Ralth: What Strength?!
Khoriane: That’s sad. I’m stronger than Ralth.

Khoriane swoops around to line up for another run, while Sargassas advances with his mace held high.

Sargassas: “Taste the Breath of the Gods!”
DM: (robot voice) “Okay.”
Sargassas: “I am just informings you of the name of this weapon! I thought it was pretty cool!”
DM: “It was intended to be. I am the mouthpiece of the DM.”
Dian: This golem was obviously constructed by Gyro Gearloose.

Sargassas strikes, dealing a little damage, but Dian manages to land a brutal blow on the golem with Claw at the Moon! The golem attacks with its burst again, forcing saves from everyone. Sargassas complains about how terrible his Reflex save is, then promptly rolls a 19 and passes the save. No one fails. The group hails blows and exchanges damage with the golem for a bit more.

DM: Ralth, good news and bad news. The bad news is, you only did one point of damage after DR. The good news is it only has one hit point left.
Ralth: That’s the second time I’ve had that happen.
Sargassas: “EVERYBODYS OUTS OF THE POOL!”

The group climbs, jumps, wades, or flies back to the glass bridge, quite unhappy after all this acid.

DM: CR 4.
Ralth: But great way to put him in there!

Sargassas heals up the injured folks, then accuses the DM of making the next room an identical clone of this one except with lava instead of acid. Ralth discovers the door out is locked.

DM: I actually have to give you guys credit for fighting a force golem, even wading through the acid, instead of just trying to get through the door. Kind of stupid and kind of heroic at once. ( muttering) I don’t know what to think about that.
Dian: We should all be like Inferian and cower back down a hallway.
DM: Click!
Ralth: (miming opening the door) I don’t care what’s coming through this time.

The door opens out onto a stone corridor, and Khoriane steps forward – using her gloaming power to glow like a torch.

DM: You step forward! Khori lights up like a lightning bug! Her butt shines—
Khoriane: It’s not just my ass, it’s my SKIN, you idiot!
DM: I didn’t say the rest of you didn’t.

To the one side, the corridor leads down into stale air; to the other, a strange buzzing that they hope to be an exit. Advancing towards that buzzing, Sargassas hurls a sunrod ahead.

DM: As you get closer, continue to kick the sunrod forward, it finally illuminates a writhing wall of insects.
Sargassas: Yeah we’re not going—
Ralth: Does it look like the wall we encountered earlier?
DM: Yes. In fact now that you remember that, the tunnel ahead looks to be directly corresponding to the tunnel you encountered earlier.
Khoriane: Right. Well that does lead out… but we’re not going through that.
Sargassas: “Nos we’s not!”
DM: Roll Knowledge(nature).
Sargassas: A 24. Tell me I figured out some easy way to get rid of them.
DM: Do you have Repel Vermin spell?
Sargassas: I don’t know why I’m looking, I don’t think there was ever a time I thought, “Man, this Repel Vermin spell is really cool!” No.
DM: You believe that this sort of wall of insects could be pushed through if you are strong and have a strong stomach.
Sargassas: The bugs in there aren’t particularly dangerous?
DM: They’ll sting, they’ll bite—
Sargassas: Fatally dangerous.
DM: No, they’re not fatal unless you’re already injured.
Ralth: Why are you asking questions, we’re not going through it!
Sargassas: Make things faster –
Ralth: I’m not going through it!
Dian: You’re always the one that tells us to cut the bullshit when we have an obstacle we don’t intend to go around.
DM: Keep it in character!
Dian: “You are always the one who tells us not to waste time with trivialities when there is business at hand.”
Sargassas: “It’s just bugs! I dealt with bugs bigger than this!”
Dian: “Go eat them, then! Have yourself a snack!”
Ralth: “There’s your lunch!”
Sargassas: Can I eat ‘em all? Can I eat through them?
DM: No.

Refusing to deal with this, the group heads directly back through the dungeon, only to find that activating the waterworks in the dungeon submerged their route in. Adamantly refusing to go back through the insects under any circumstances, the group sends Sargassas down to force open the door, which he does!

Sargassas: Oh god damn it. Um… I’m just trying to figure out how we’re going to get the body down there.
Ralth: Didn’t think about the body. Hmmm.
DM: Uh-oh!
Ralth: He should be all right! I’ll have his face upright or something like that, just use common physics here!
Sargassas: His body’s breathing, so his body’s going to try to breathe in the water.
Ralth: Just hold his mouth and nose shut while you’re going through the water.
Khoriane: No, if that’s the case I’ll brave the bugs for the druid. I really am gonna hate it, but yeah.
Sargassas: Bugs aren’t animals, right? Can I use Dominate to dominate the swarm?
DM: No.
Sargassas: Oh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh! I actually just got the class level, so I actually have the domain spell Water Breathing. I can throw that on him! We’re all set.
Ralth: All right! No problem!

Everyone rolls a Swim check, making it with more or less amounts of success, and their escape from the dungeon is assured!

Ralth: We got our obligatory encounter in there.
DM: That was just one of my favorite ones.
Ralth: That was a really good one.
Sargassas: I had fun with that.
DM: There are a lot of ones in there I’m going to save for a rainy day, but I had to make you encounter that one. Especially because as you start getting to higher level it’s not so effective.
Sargassas: Wall of Force would end it. “All right, guys!” Ba boom, ba boom. Cry… a silent tear on the golem.
DM: No, that’s when it starts attacking the glass bridge, dude.
Sargassas: Oh.
DM: I put it over glass for a reason.

They return the wayward druid with minimal fanfare, and head back home!

Sargassas: We’re gonna put the statue in the front yard, and put a sign on it, with the name of the dungeon we were just in… From now on we have to have one from every dungeon. Then we’re going to open up a theme park for people to walk, make a little extra gold.
DM: You guys actually did fight a minotaur in there.
Ralth: Did he have a small statue of himself? What a vain asshole.
Sargassas: The minotaur is about to die… “Here, take likeness of me… for your hard.”
DM: You fought a greathorn minotaur.
Ralth: Man, that was an awesome fight.
DM: It really was, he could swim through stone like liquid.
Ralth: …what allowed him to do that?
DM: Minotaur powers. As you return home, you spot a figure on the porch of your house, sitting on the steps and casually smoking a pipe.
Sargassas: “I don’t see person! Statue!”
Ralth: “Little to the right.”
Dian: Is it Iglar?
DM: No, you recognize this person as someone you spoke to… a long time ago, out of character, one Sir Derek of Na’viss. He works for the Adventurers’ Guild…
Ralth: Was he the one who shared some Bacon by the Foot with us?
DM: I believe it was, yes. He has a very long pipe, puffing on it, watching it.
Sargassas: As we put our statue into the front yard.
Ralth: “Pretty nice, huh?”
DM: “Very impressive. Where did you get that?”
Ralth: “Dungeon.”
DM: “They had a minotaur statue there?”
Ralth: “Yeah, it was dwarven in nature so that’s really surprising.”
DM: “I admire your conviction, carrying something that size all the way back.”
Sargassas: “Memories of time of good times!”
Ralth: “We teleported most of the way, so no problem.”
DM: “Still I doubt you teleported directly out with it.”
Sargassas: “It was a bit of a walk.”
DM: “Well, consider your prize well-earned.”
Ralth: “I didn’t carry it. What can we do you for?”
DM: “Actually, Ralth, I came to make you a trade.”
Sargassas: “Your minotaur statue!” “NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
DM: “I’m a bit curious about your family, I was hoping you would tell me something of them.”
Ralth: “Technically I have no family. They disowned me.”
DM: “They still exist…”
Ralth: “True…”
DM: They exist!
Ralth: “Well, my father doesn’t consider me family. What do you wish to know?”
DM: “Tell me what you’re willing to tell me of them. It is for political purposes, I won’t pretend otherwise. I don’t wish to coerce any information out of you, but any insight you give me might be very helpful to me as we consider how to deal with the empire going forward. In exchange…” He hands you a pouch. Fine tobacco from the halfling empire!
Ralth: I spill the beans!

In fact, the paladin gives them all pipes, and Ralth invites him to dinner! Kelly curtsies them in politely!

Ralth: “Hiig-five, Kell!”
DM: “I’m sorry, sir? I’m not familiar with your customs from abroad.”
Sargassas: Wait, high-five isn’t something the humans made up? It’s a halfling thing?
DM: It’s a halfling thing. That’s why they call it a.. HIGH-five. Gives them an ego boost!
Dian: Awwwwwwww!
DM: “We’ve been eagerly awaiting your return. You should find your rooms all taken care of.” And indeed they are, the house is in magnificent shape. The various plants upstairs are all taken care of, watered, tended, trimmed. Your rooms are cleaned spotlessly. Iglar’s porn mags are organized by fetish, then by number.
Ralth: Put a sign outside. “Room for Rent.”

The DM demands a Spot check from Sargassas as he goes downstairs, and everyone looks at him accusingly. Cheltenbourne gives Ralth the coffee blend he had craved, and Ralth declares eternal love for the half-fiend.

DM: As you step down into the cold, dank, amazingly delightfully stinky swamp that is your basement, you notice something odd in the corner, in the shadows.
Sargassas: Is there a body down here already? Seriously? I was joking about that.
DM: I wasn’t. There’s a body.
Khoriane: There’s a body down there?!
Dian: Someone tried to break in!

Investigating, Sargassas determines that the body is a halfling! He carries the body up to the training area, and Ralth promptly fails to Search him by rolling 1. A more competent Sargassas figures out how to take the halfling’s cloak off. The halfling has no weapon, but a vial of what is probably poison, and a brand that marks him as a slave. They promptly summon the paladin to report a break-in!

DM: Sir Derek takes two steps towards the stairs, pauses as the smell hits him, and looks back at the two of you who are still upstairs, in horror.
Sargassas: “Dos nots makes fun of my basement smell! Lizardmen enjoy such stench. It’s delicious for us!”
DM: Shaking it off thanks to his paladin Fortitude bonus…
Ralth: “Don’t worry, your nose starts shutting down after a few minutes.”
Sargassas: I think we should start getting plusses to saves against stench attacks.
DM: The frog demon shows up, you consider it a sweet release.

They speculate as to the motive, since seeing a slave this far away is baffling. They do in fact open the flask, recognizing poison! The paladin agrees to report this crime on their behalf, and with that matter still percolating in their heads, they sit down to a magnificent dinner from Cheltenbourne. Well-fed, they start distributing the fluff items and marking the unwanted ones for sale.

DM: The next morning dawns cool but lovely. A little on the chill side but otherwise a magnificent day. As you step outside of the house you note that all is hustle and bustle around—
Sargassas: I thought there was going to be a crowd around the statue, people, like, angry. I was like, really?
DM: That would be awesome, I’m sorry I didn’t think of that! It’s a statue that curses people around it to hate it.
Sargassas: There’s cops out there waiting for us. “Sir, the statue managed to collect two bodies at its feet. We’re not sure how it got them, but take it away!”
DM: On each of the axes there’s impaled an innocent maiden…

The city, in actuality, appears to be preparing for a great parade! Everyone turns to their campaign calendars to discover the upcoming month is a celebration of the Guild! But they don’t care, they just find a gnome merchant to sell their loot too. He adds in a little for courtesy, and advises them to wait a day to buy!

DM: “There’s going to be sales, discounts!”
Dian: D&D is not immune to holiday sales, ohhhhh!
Sargassas: Does he give it to us all in gold?
DM: Yes, because he assumes you will complain. Adventurers always complain if he tried to give them silver.

They head off to their elven weaponsmith friend Orialla, so Ralth can order his adamantine weapon. He immediately realizes he can’t afford it, and instead works on wheedling a simple magic dagger or short sword out of her. The group realized abruptly that they never got their magic items identified, and hurry off to get that done! Khoriane comes up with a granite hourglass, which completely baffles everyone, including the DM. They still don’t have enough money… till they remember they still need to see Vexian for their mission reward!

DM: You all drop what you’re doing, realizing there’s more money to be had.
Ralth: Retcon, retcon!
DM: Boomf!
Ralth: “Ah, what a great sleep, let’s go see Vexian.”
DM: “Why are you still in my shop?”
Ralth: “Shut up.” (miming hurling a smoke bomb)
DM: “You’re still here!”
Ralth: “I forgot to move.”
Sargassas: “Nos time for the play!”
DM: You head to the Adventurers’ Guild, where it looks almost completely different now. You see wizards outside casting spells and slowly the edifice of the guild is being replaced with what appears to be a magnificent wonderland castle. Rainbow! Fountains! Fireworks!
Sargassas: “I doesn’ts likes pretty lights!”
DM: Truly a magnificent display.
Ralth: “Garish.”
DM: “We’re just practicing. Tomorrow we’ll be giving the full performance. Would you care for a guide to the festitivies?”
Ralth: “No.”
Dian: Oh man.
DM: They have pamphlets!
Sargassas: You open the pamphlet. “Just for five gold a month you can help this small, starving dwarf.”

They head down to Vexian. Ralth offers him a high-five, then realizes that trying to high-five a massive dragon is bad idea. The group cheerfully lampshades Iglar’s disappearance, and Vexian summons their treasure – 500 gold for each of them!

Sargassas: I thought he was gonna be like, “Two pearls! Five diamonds!”
Dian: Four tapestries!
Sargassas: Five equally efficient punches to the DM’s face.
Dian: You realize whenever we nettle him like this, the encounters just get worse.
Sargassas: No, we just get more loot!
Dian: No we don’t! We get copper and silver, and – and pearls!
DM: Here, you get platinum… tapestries. All your treasure from now on will be statues, and then, after you’ve captured a statue from every dungeon, and your lawn is graced with them – there’s like, beholder statues and minotaur statues, troll statues, dragon statues... your final boss is the mage who animates statues. They all come alive!

Vexian offers them a mission to kill an apprentice necromancer, setting the stage for the next adventure; then they briefly discuss the vine-murdered halfling.

Dian: “It does seem strange, the amount of effort one would have to gone – to gone to – to have – gone to –“ (gives up)
DM: “Ralth, I know little of what’s going on in the Leaf Empire—“
Sargassas: I like the way you called it the Leaf Empire. You must’ve been watching Naruto while you were doing this.
DM: No!
Sargassas: Yes! That is the name! Leaf is the name of the fucking main village of the story! Bullshit! I call bullshit!
DM: It’s called the Leaf Empire because they made their empire off of the money they made selling tobacco!
Sargassas: Nope, I still call bullshit.
DM: (sighs)
Sargassas: I’m just playing with you. Every time you say “Leaf Empire”, Naruto pops into my head.
DM: And its home village KOHONA.
Sargassas: That’s what it means, it means leaf.
DM: No, that’s Konoha. I said Kohona. There’s a difference. An obvious difference. Once is clearly not inspired by the other. Now, Uzumaki Ralth…

Ralth decides to report this unauthorized intrusion to the Thieves’ Guild, and as the game draws to a close, sets off in that direction to do just that...