Calinai: Lars has finally awoken from the deep slumber spell that was laid on him.
Lars: “Oh man, I feel GREAT!”
Inferian: Let’s see how long it lasts.

The DM quickly refreshes them on their situation – rescued prisoners in a vault room under guard by Inferian’s psicrystal, with them advancing onwards. Inferian advises them to go down a different passageway, in the hope of filling in some substantial blank space on the map. Someone breaks the microphone, but luckily little is lost.


Lars: 21 on cooking!
Inferian: You may roll that, but you’re no Cheltenbourne.

The transcriber notes his increasing lack of neutrality and objectivity in the game reports. It’s true, dillweeds! Also, whoever is chewing with their mouth open, cut it the hell out. Benar sneaks down the passage they’ve chosen to head down, then Listens.

DM: He hears what sounds like… the very muffled… bleating of sheep?
Inferian: Then he will carefully peek around the corner, taking every care to be concealed.
Lars, Sioneva, and Falgrim: (sheep noises)
Inferian: Uh, do you want the good news or the bad news?
DM: He botched. Did he botch?
Inferian: He rolled a natural 1 on his Hide check. But that’s still a 28.
DM: Well, I guess then, he very, very silently moves out into the hall like THIS! (throwing his arms wide)
Inferian: But he’s got a Ring of Chameleon Power so he blends into the background.
DM: Before he goes around the corner, he paints a target on himself for no apparent reason, saying, “Milord Dragon MUST want a target on mine chest!” This is what he sees. Sadly there is no one to pincushion him with arrows.
Inferian: It’s beholders.
DM: No! Like, the minimum challenge rating for beholders is like 11.
Calinai: They could be mini-beholders.
Inferian: Ooh, bite-sized.
DM: Unlike my last prolonged encounter with you guys, this dungeon has a theme.

Benar spies another passage and Listens at it in turn.

Lars: You hear Lars in the background: “Hey, what do you guys see up there?! Hey!”
DM: (sheep noises)
Calinai: Huh.
Inferian: Peering around the corner!
DM: The next one?
Inferian: Yep, he’s still got… 35 hit points left!
Falgrim: Ah, it’s a Scottish sex farm in here.

Some confusion as to the source of Benar’s damage arises. The DM jokingly demands a Reflex save from Benar. Lars decides to camp out way behind while Inferian and Calinai argue over moving the minatures.

Calinai: Would you like me to move your piece?
Inferian: Please kindly do so.
Calinai: Would you like me to move him a square to the left?
Inferian: In fact, you may move him two more squares.
Calinai: One. Two.
Inferian: All right. Move him three more squares forward. I rolled for it.
Lars: Dude, I swear, there’s going to be a tidal wave of water that comes pouring through the dungeon.
Calinai: (moving Benar off the drawn portion of the map) He found the Beyond part of Batman Beyond.
Inferian: Map not generated, falling through the world.
Calinai: Watch out, it’s a trap. (dropping a small cup over Benar) Mouse trap.
DM: I guarantee…
Inferian: That’s the craziest trap I’ve ever seen.

The DM finally draws the map.

Calinai: “I WAS IN NOTHINGNESS! IT WAS HORRIBLE!”
Inferian: “It was like the moment right before I decided to serve Lord Dragon!” As you see brains oozing out his ears. It turns out he used to have an Intelligence of 18 and he was a promising wizard…

Benar investigates a door, but finds no traps and a simple handle. A paranoid Inferian casts Vigor on himself a Falgrim opens the door. They enter into a room full of sheep.

Falgrim: As I said before: this is a Scottish sex operation.
DM: Man, it stinks in here.
Falgrim: How many sheep are there?
DM: I’d say, at least a dozen.
Calinai: That is a LOT of sheep.
Lars: Falgrim never learned to count.

The sheep grow more agitated by the moment. Inferian calls for Lars, but he’s so far back he doesn’t answer. They immediately assume he’s dead. Someone drops a Hershey’s Kiss on the map.

DM: A Hershey golem!
Inferian: A slime doth approach!
DM: It’s Metal Slime. See the color? You will miss. And in the off chance that you hit, it will run away, and you will get nothing.
Lars: “Somebody say a room full of sheep?!”

Lars’s sheep-molesting proclivity is mocked for two minutes straight. Benar wades in to search for no apparent reason, and discovers footprints.

Inferian: “What did the tracks look like?”
DM: “Bare feet, milord.”
Inferian: “Ew.”
Falgrim: “Not only do they got sheep down here, they got bears, too?”
DM: …Leave that to Inferian, would you? That’s good though, I like it.

Unable to puzzle out the mystery of these footprints, the PCs discuss potential spells to use on the sheep droppings to clear them away. This goes horribly wrong very quickly.

Calinai: I wonder, if you cast ‘Purify Food’ on shit, would it make it eatable?
Inferian: No! It’s not food!
Falgrim: Well it USED to be.
Calinai: It WAS food!
Inferian: (deranged) It’s NOT any more!
Falgrim: It just turns them into candy bars.
Inferian: On the other hand, if there was corn involve…

The group returns to mocking Lars for another few minutes, before Falgrim advances forward to kick in a door.

Falgrim: I look at the latch. Then I look at Benar.
Inferian: …. Benar will search the latch, because he’s going to insist on opening it the SISSY-ASS way. Oh, he rolled an 18, I hope you choke to death on that choking gas.
Falgirm: Before Benar tells me, I’m going to kick the door open.
Inferian: While he’s still opening it?!
DM: Your solid dwarven boot kicks in the door, which immediately alarms and frightens a large number of pigs.

Everyone stares for a moment, unsure of what to do with these animals. Then, after a few of the obvious jokes (plus Inferian replacing his minions with pigs who are 2nd level fighters for some reason), they choose to leave the pigs alone.

DM: “But milord! Do you not wish me to Search?! Or Investigate? Or Gather Informaton?”
Lars: I’ll interrogate the pigs!
Inferian: Benar doesn’t have ranks in Gather Information…
Lars: But I do! I’m gonna Gather Information on these pigs. “Okay, so this pig said that that pig…”
Inferian: Okay, which one of you bastards is the one that went to market?
DM: Falgrim, your dwarven sense begins to tingle as you leave the pig sties and follow Benar down the hallway. Something is not quite right with the configuration of stone in this hallway.
Falgrim: ”The stone feels weird here!”
Inferian: Benar will investigate. 27.
DM: Oh. (seriously unpleased noise) I was so hoping it would be him, too.

Benar rolls too poorly to disarm the trap, however. The group is not sure of this in-character, though his hesitance makes them hesitate in turn.

Falgrim: …grab a pig.
Inferian: …that’s not a bad idea!
Lars: Not a bad idea at all, actually!
Inferian: Let’s go back, grab a pig, and force it on ahead! That’s brilliant!
Falgrim: …will this be affecting my alignment?
DM: (convulsing behind the screen) Minus experience…
Inferian: What the hell?
DM: You cowardly dungeon explorers. “Pigs and sheep first!”
Calinai: I believe the DM provided this for us to do this very thing.
DM: You release one of the poor, sacrificial, innocent pigs from its stall—
Calinai: Cute, humble pigs.
DM: And mercilessly herd it ahead of you.
Inferian: I love how evil this is being described…
Calinai: If he’d only done a Spot check on the inside, we would’ve seen a spider’s web that said “Humble Pigs”!

The group actually applauds this reference.

DM: The pig snuffles and slowly makes its way down the short hall.
Inferian: We’re just demons with pitchforks, forcing it forward…
DM: Sadly unaware of the fate bestowed on it by these… cruel and soulless adventurers…
Calinai: I can’t believe you’re letting this happen.
Inferian: What!? IT’S A PIG!
Calinai: But it’s all humble and… what were the other words?
Inferian: Crunchy.
DM: As the pig steps into the corner section of the hallway the floor shudders quickly and gives way! The pig disappears from sight instantaneously, and squeals alarmingly as it plummets down lord knows where.
Falgrim: Out of sight, out of mind.
Inferian: That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
Lars: Hey, before we go any farther, let’s grab another pig just in case.
Calinai: Who’s gonna carry the pig over the pit?
Falgrim: Let’s lash a bridge made out of pigs.

The chute is greased, and in a corner, making it a particular challenge to address. The DM strongly hints that if one person falls down the chute, they all ought to go down to keep the group together, at which the group openly scoffs. Lars steps to the front and uses his Anklet of Translocation to teleport across the pit.

Inferian: He disappears in a giant Whitecloak symbol.
Lars: (moving his mini) And there I am.
Calinai: (miming a pit dropping out from underneath him)
Inferian: That would be GREAT. I would give the DM so much props for that.

Lars wraps a rope around his waist, and on the other side, Falgrim does the same, both of them making Use Rope checks. After an excess of caution, Falgrim hops over the gap without trouble. The two tie themselves together to be the anchor, then carefully step backwards to brace themselves again.

DM: (not concealing his amusement) Lars! Make a Reflex save!
Lars: Seriously? Awww.
Falgrim: We thought we were safe.
Lars: 17.
DM: Ho ho!
Inferian: You’re still holding on to the rope, right?! Falgrim, save him!
DM: In a karmic replay of what happened to that poor innocent pig, the floor slightly shudders and immediately gives way!
Calinai: Why did we GO this way? We already got all the treasure.
DM: (gloating) Make a check of some kind, as Lars starts to plummet down another greased chute!

Falgrim inches slowly backwards to the pit; on the far side of the first pit, the other players try to help haul.

Inferian: Well, Lars, has achieved what he always wanted: getting into a tight hole. And it’s moist and slick, too.
Sioneva: Inferian!
Inferian: What?
Sioneva: You’re a horrible man.
Lars: I was HOPING for some of the sheep.

While Lars hangs, the group spends more time than they probably ought discussing the exact logistics of the situation. Key on their points is that they don’t know if they should go forward, or back.

Falgrim: Are we abandoning this hallway?
Calinai: I don’t know! We got all the treasure! I don’t know why we keep going this way!
Inferian: There’s obviously something down here we aren’t supposed to get to.
Calinai: Not necessarily, there were no fucking treasures at the end of HIS -- (pointing to Inferian) -- trap hallways. It was just bullshit and an empty chest!
DM: You were getting the book you needed to solve the religious crisis!
Calinai: IT DIDN’T FUCKING SOLVE IT, THOUGH! It didn’t do SHIT!
Inferian: That’s not MY fault though!
Calinai: Yes it is! We were in the same fucking situation whether we got the book or not!
Inferian: It’s not my fault Hendlar never made a goddamn decision…

Lars fails a Climb check badly enough to plummet, but Falgrim manages to help heave him out with a decent Strength check.

Lars: “Falgrim! I owe you my life.”
Falgrim: “Think nothing of it.”
Lars: “Then I’m done thinking about it. Thanks, man.”
Falgrim: (mimes cutting the rope) “He fell, I can’t believe it!”

The group eyes the next pit with increasing paranoia, concerned that vaulting it may lead to yet another pit on the other side. Sioneva gets volunteered to go over next, since she can Search.

DM: Are you sure you don’t want more pigs? Make a rope bridge with your troll gut rope, then walk the pigs over…
Inferian: We’ve clearly been told that’s in violation of our alignments.
DM: Who told you that?
Inferian: Your narration, dude.
DM: My narration was for color. Color commentary.
Inferian: Yeah, evil color commentary.
DM: Well you’re the ones sacrificing pigs.
Inferian: THEY’RE ONLY MEAT ON LEGS!
DM: Well so are all of you!
Inferian: Yes, but we don’t know that!
Sioneva: ...oh wait, I have ranks in Disable Device.

Sioneva lightly vaults the pit. Calinai predicts that the hallway will loop around in a giant circle, and dubs the two paths ‘the easy way’ and ‘the Inferian way’.

Inferian: Hey, I found pigs.
DM: Yeah, he got negative XP for pig-killing.
Inferian: I should get positive XP! Those pigs technically have a CR!
DM: You should.
Inferian: It may be really low…
DM: You got XP for defeating the trap with a pig. Oh, actually the pig got XP for defeating the trap.
Lars: We should get XP for ingenuity.
Inferian: …it was Falgrim’s idea…
Falgrim: Shhh!
Inferian: I mean that in a good way!
Falgrim: Don’t bring any attention to me! Shut up!
Lars: We come to find out the pigs and sheep were actually people, but they got turned into pigs and sheep.
DM: Polymorphed prisoners!
Lars: Oh, that’d be horrible.
Falgrim: Thank you for planting the seed of doubt now.
Inferian: Yeah, now we’re all thinking it.
Sioneva: (who has been trying to talk for a while, but failing, because she stubbornly insist on sitting across the room) HEY!

Sioneva lightly vaults over the pit, then Searches, but finds no more pits, nor any other sort of doom. Lars blows his Jump check to get across the next pit, then his Reflex save to grab the edge, and angrily discards his die. They hoist him up wearily. Benar makes his jump easily for the two pits. Calinai and Inferian throw rock-paper-scissors to see who goes next.

Inferian: Looks like you go first.
Calinai: Damn it! Oh wait, I wanted to go first.
Inferian: The pigs attack as soon as everyone is over but me!
DM: Heh heh, the door slams open behind Inferian.
Falgrin: GLOWING RED EYES.
DM: Yes, the pigs fling themselves at you via some sort of slingshot mechanism.
Calinai: I have no idea what to use for this part. I’m Climbing, I guess that’s my best bet?
Inferian: It’s easier than Jump.
Calinai: I have no Jump check. I have a Climb check.
Lars: I wanna Intimidate the pit.

Calinai struggles over the pit with some luck. Inferian is the last to cross.

Inferian: I spend three points off my psicrown to activate Wallwalker and just walk along the wall to the other side.
Sioneva: You fucker.
DM: Ha ha ha ha ha! You’re pulling a Dante. Bonus for – well, that goes for cancelling out the pig sacrifice. It’s not enough that you’ve corralled your slaves to do your bidding, now you must sacrifice pigs as well. Will you stop at nothing?!
Inferian: (petulant) But all my slaves got left behind.
Calinai: If we had slaves right now, we could’ve been forming bridges!

The DM draws out the hallway now that they’ve made it to the other side. It promptly runs straight off the side of the table, leading to hasty adjustments. Calinai begs for its end while Lars predicts a dead-end. Falgrim suddenly becomes a coward for no reason, and without his input.

Calinai: You realize we have to go back!
DM: You wouldn’t have had to go back if you’d simply FALLEN INTO THE TRAP LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO!
Calinai: You make it sound like we’re gonna follow them. We assume they’re dead and move on.
DM: The pigs?

Benar rolls a natural 1 to Listen at the door. Sioneva shoves him aside to Listen herself, though they then open the door. Falgrim asks Lars to bring him a part of his birthday cupcake-cake; Lars cheerfully wanders back from getting his own without doing so. Happy birthday, Falgrim! Everyone mocks the hell out of Lars for a while, then moves on to the proper way to eat a cupcake. They find a staircase down, which Inferian assumes leads to the pit exit, eventually,

Inferian: The pit isn’t letting its contents out on THIS level, so it must be down!
DM: I dunno! Thinking back now, as the pig plummeted to its possible doom, what you heard was “Wheee! Whee—whee—wheeeee! Wheeee!” (continuing to make these noises for entirely too long)
Inferian: Yeah, there’s an accelerator panel down there, it shoots out and is fired out into the sky above the city. Like right there at an orphanage, like, (terrible accent) “Oh… we’re so hungry, and we’ve only gruel to eat” and then all of a sudden -- (slamming his hand on the table) PIG.
Falgrim: Ah ha! Double Lawful Good!
Inferian: Yeah. Except for the death.
Falgrim: I thought we were feeding them!
Inferian: Well, yeah, but on the way down it crushed an orphan. So, you know, it balanced out. Killed an orphan, but fed the rest of the orphans.

In the background, Lars and Calinai argue loudly and angrily about cupcakes. Benar advanced forward to Listen at another door, and does so without botching this time. Lars steps outside, giving character control to Falgrim.

Lars: I only trust Falgrim to play Lars, because he’s the only one who’s not gonna be like, “There’s a trap! Lars, jump in and see how deep it goes!”
Calinai: You obviously don’t know Falgrim.
Sioneva: I wouldn’t do that. That’s a dick move.
Lars: Sioneva is the other person I trust to play my character.
Calinai: I probably would trust Sioneva more than Falgrim.
Lars: Inferian would definitely be like, “Lars, he wants to see how deep it goes – my pig! NO!” And Lars dove in after the pig.
Inferian: Yeah, I’m renaming Lars to GIR.

The DM draws more doors. In the background Calinai rants furiously about making it all end.

DM: Heavy stone door no trap found not locked.
Calinai: You sound like you just gave an order at a restaurant!
DM: Told you guys, you’re getting the abridged version of DM. No more plot.
Calinai: Regardless of my bitching I’m having a great time, I just like to bitch when I have nothing else to do.
Falgrim: This is true.

The next door reveals an ancient crypt, with sarcophagi stacked haphazardly against the walls. The stonework seems much older than the rest of the dungeon. The columns in the room, thanks to a Search check, seem odd somehow as well. Lacking the necessary knowledge, someone give a column a shove! Columns collapse! Nothing of real import occurs!

Calinai: “Well we’ve disturbed the tomb. We might run into ghosts now.”
DM: (miming a creature rising from its grave with a groan)
Inferian: Oh get out of here. You’re a zombie, your CR is two.
Calinai: You kill him, he just turns into a flesh golem.
Inferian: Oh come on! Who approved that?!
Calinai: 36 damage! I rolled crap!
Inferian: Wait a minute, who’s running this game! The DM rips off his mask, it’s me. “Oh what the hell?”

They advance to the next iron door, only to find it locked. Inferian reminds them that Lars has no Disable Device, and locks should be opened the Falgrim way. Obligingly, Falgrim bashes the door open by rolling a modified 20. Inside, they find a small, well-adorned idol!

Lars: Ooh, question, did we ever untie the rope from ourselves?
DM: Nope! Now there’s troll gut strewn all over the place.
Falgrim: I hate you all.
DM: And you all realize to your horror that you’re tied to the man who smells like sheep business.

Calinai identifies this as a Darkfriends’ offering to the dark gods. They promptly smash and loot the idol. On to the next door! It opens onto another door!

Inferian: Like my dungeon! There was a reason for that. The reason admittedly was ‘dwarves like doors’…

So the usual routine gets applied to the next door.

DM: He Listened at what?
Inferian: That door.
DM: He Listened for…?
Inferian: Sound.
DM: …And what did he roll?
Inferian: (cracking up) A twenty. I wanted to see how long it would take you to figure out what you were asking.
DM: (standing up) See you next week.

Benar believes he hears a slight crackle, as of something burning! He Searches, then the group opens the door, calling for a Spot check from Falgrim, which he rolls terribly on. The room has a pair of occupants, which he puts down miniatures for.

DM: They are both in a kneeling position on the ground. Both human. One has distinguishing tattoos along the exposed upper body, the other is very large for a human. He sits next to what looks to be a regular-sized barrel. They both sit, as you open the door…
Calinai: One, petting a cat.
DM: “Welcome. Please, enter.”
Falgrim: “Oooookaaaaay.”
Calinai: This is a Safety Circle situation!
DM: You notice as you enter that the braziers along the wall cast a strange sort of flickering shadow.
Inferian: Oh my god, this is one of the old men from Zelda.
Calinai: As long as we don’t attack him we’ll be fine.

Lars pops out the Detect Evil, leading to a long digression in which the actual mechanics and functionality of the power are discussed. The two figures stand, the large one picking up his barrel as he does.

Inferian: Shit, he’s Donkey Kong. Quick, roll a Jump check!
Falgrim: I got the hammer!
DM: The tattooed one looks you over, then gestures to his companion. “Seedo wishes to drink to your health.”
Inferian: Oh god, it’s the ultimate trap for Falgrim.
DM: As he does so—
Inferian: He’s a Drunken Master, he gains in strength and power.
DM: (cackling)
Sioneva: I was the one who was saying it first! Drunken Master and Tattooed Monk!

Initiative! Everyone rolls stupendously, causing the DM to curse. Sioneva acts first, and rolls splendidly on a pair of attacks but fails to confirm both crits. She merely does 12 damage to the tattooed ninja. Lars leaps forward with a touch attack!

Lars: Inflict Critical Wounds! (rolling) Crap!
Inferian: Critical my ass!
Lars: Are you fucking kidding me?!
Falgrim: How many 1s did he roll?
Inferian, Calinai, and Lars: Two.
Calinai: And a two.
Inferian: 10 on 4d8. Yowch.
Lars: 17 total.

Benar wades into the fray and promptly crits with his Lifestealing sword, dealing 16 damage and a negative level. He pops the Blurstrike property of his short sword to sneak attack with that blade in turn, hitting ones, while Calinai curses the vampire monk in the background.

Calinai: Dirk was like at level 1. He was one hit from dead. One hit from becoming a level 0 fighter. Ba-doom he becomes a merchant.
Falgrim: “I got the finest WAREZ in the land!”
Caliani: A handcart appears with him. “Oh I’m screwed.” After you hit level 0 it start taking out age parts, like, ‘Adult’. ‘Teenager’. ‘Baby’. Uh-oh, he’s almost dead. ‘Fetus.’ “Dead.”
Lars: And there’s the dead baby joke.

The group, horribly, applauds this.

Calinai: WOO! I brought it into the conversation!
Inferian: And led up to it so skillfully, and by skillfully I mean horribly.
Calinai: Hey, at least it led up to it, instead of just bringing up dead baby.
Inferian: Who’s next?
Calinai: Hitler.

The third figure appears; Calinai pretty accurately guesses it’s another ninja (a ninja of sun and shadow). She punches Benar twice, and the darkness explodes into bright light, forcing everyone to make a Fort save. Inferian is blinded; Benar takes 16 points of damage.

Inferian: This is gonna suck.
DM: What are you doing?
Inferian: Wild surge for two!
DM: What else are you doing?
Inferian: I’m going to FIRE BLINDLY! It’s only a 50% miss chance, but I’m firing at the guy who’s straight in front of me, and as far as I know he hasn’t moved, so I should be fine.
Caliani: You’re prepping it up… “That’s probably not a good idea.”
Inferian: I got it!
Calinai: “That’s not a good idea!”
Inferian: “I’m fine!”
Calinai: 1. Bwa-koom!

Inferian misses his shot, sadly, and blows away a brazier. The Tattooed Monk’s tattoos shimmer and move, and he attacks Benar for 18!

Inferian: They’re ganging up on Benar!
Calinai: He already said he wanted to kill Benar.
DM: I didn’t say that.
Calinai: Oh, earlier, “I was hoping Benar would fall into the hole.”
DM: I said that, I didn’t say that would’ve killed him.
Lars: These monks would’ve been really nice to us if we hadn’t sacrificed that pig.
DM: You killed their pig.
Lars: They are pissed.

Benar rolls a 19 which is still a failure on a Fort save, and the 2 points of Con damage from the tattoo-spider poison drop him to -2. Falgrim whacks the Drunken Master for 38.

Inferian: He better drink to heal that!
Falgrim: He’s got a barrel, he’s fine.
DM: He’s got a keg, actually, yes.
Falgrim: Hmm., maybe I should aim at the keg.
Inferian: You’re a dwarf, that’s against your nature.
Falgrim: I could go after it if it was brandy or something like that, they wouldn’t mind that as much.
Inferian: The finest dwarf spirits.
Falgrim: Oh no. Oh no…
Inferian: Roll a Will save to avoid killing him!
Lars: Falgrim! The faster we kill him, the faster you can get his booze.
Falgrim: And the more you have to drink – ooh, that’s actually good motivation.

Falgrim misses the second attack, to no one’s surprise. The monk handily beats Falgrim in a grapple. Calinai drops a heal on Benar, who is stuck on the ground since he can’t stand without provoking an AOO. Inferian argues with the others about Tumbling.

Falgrim: He’s a terrible rogue.
Inferian: No, that’s just not how it works.
Falgrim: It’s a terrible way to not work then.
Calinai: Sounds like something I would say!
Inferian: You’re a terrible Falgrim.
Falgrim: You’re already halfway there to a Tumble, you’re laying down!
Inferian: Except you can’t get any momentum!
Falgrim: Why not? He’s got legs!
Calinai: Show us. Show us, lay down and then attempt to roll.
Inferian: That’s what I’m trying to point out SHOULDN’T be done!
Falgrim: You gottsa prove it to me.
Inferian: If I don’t do it properly you’ll just say I wasn’t trying hard enough! I’m not stupid.
Calinai: You don’t know that.
Inferian: Yes I do! Cumulatively Falgrim and I have known each other longer than you’ve been BORN.
Calinai: No.
Falgrim: No.
Inferian: I said cumulatively. So basically just counting the length of time we’ve know each other twice.
Falgrim: Oh. Yeah, that does actually work.
Inferian: It’s wrong, and it shouldn’t be used, but it does work.
Calinai: Then it doesn’t wotrk!
Inferian: Just because it’s wrong and shouldn’t be used doesn’t mean it doesn’t work!
Calnai: THAT’S THE VERY DEFINITION OF IT NOT WORKING! Just because the fire isn’t under the stove, isn’t under the iron that I was trying to cook on, doesn’t mean it won’t cook it!
Inferian: Just because the vampire monk wasn’t technically allowed by the rules doesn’t mean it didn’t kick your ass!
Calinai: But it died in the end, and we fucking won, and by your definition, your little roll shit should work, so get on the floor and do that shit!

The ninja ducks sidelong to pummel Falgrim, and despite these close quarters no one can manage to AOO her – except it turns out, prone characters apparently have no limitations on their threatened squares. But Benar misses.

DM: Hey, kudos to him for trying, after being practically killed, and waking up to see a ninja moving past him, and taking a swing.
Inferian: What would YOU do?!
DM: Good for him… What would I do? If I were a mind-controlled helpless thrall? I’d probably do exactly what he did!
Inferian: He’s not mind-controlled, he’s just subtly influenced!

Benar just starts attacking from the ground, and actually manages to hit the ninja with one blow. Inferian is no longer blinded as his turn comes up.

Inferian: Wild surge… not enervated…
DM: Aww damn.
Inferian: It would still go off even if I was, you know. Oh! Chaotic Surge is gonna double my damage…
Falgrim: Oh look, it’s Magnus all over again.
DM: You’re hitting all of them. That’s force damage, right?
Inferian: No, that’s going to be cold damage.
DM: But you could choose whatever?
Inferian: I could do cold, electricity, fire, or sonic.
Calinai: Or breakfast. He could do breakfast damage.
DM: When you found the stairs, I didn’t think you’d back up to do MONK BATTLE.
Inferian: That’s kind of a shitty roll…So that’s 56 points of damage to each of them, the save difficulty is 22. That’ll whittle them down a bit.
DM: (bitterly) Yeah. The two males… oh, oh ho ho, shiver me timbers, you brutalize two of my poor helpless monks.
Inferian: Oh great, now killing monks is evil! Is nothing not-evil in this game?!
DM: Is insulting them and belittling them not enough?!
Inferian: Everything I kill just makes me more evil. Except orphans for some reasons, that was necessary.
DM: So half damage for the one that passed the save…
Falgrim: No, she takes full damage, she just feels better about herself.
Inferian: Oh, I was very wise to use the Fortitude after all, I forgot about evasion.

The ninja absorbs some of the damage, and the tattooed monk is up!

Lars: I thought the tattooed monk was dead.
DM: No, the one in the worst shape is actually the drunken master.
Inferian: I just made them regret their life choices, that’s all.

The monk moves, and Benar takes a cheap shot AOO, managing to crit the monk again. With his Lifestealer. Bestowing another negative level on the guy.

Falgrim: Let me look up ‘thrall’ and see the synonyms for it…
Calinai: Endangered servant. (a pause) Indentured, sorry. Wait, he IS an endangered servant.

Sioneva takes a full 59 damage from the monk’s attack cycle, though luckily this isn’t enough to drop her; she has 11 left. Falgrim and the drunken master grapple and squabble on the floor; Falgrim headbutts him. And rolls a crit.

DM: He collapses to the floor…
Inferian: Did you take him out with a subdual damage crit?!
DM: The credit has to be given to that ridiculous cold damage attack you did.
Falgrim: But yes, I knocked him out.
Inferian: That’s beautiful.

It turns out Lars swung and miss some time ago, but so ineffectually no one noticed! Calinai stares at the injured Sioneva, wondering how the hell to get to her to heal her. She dodges the AOO.

Calinai: 23.
Sioneva: In healing?
Calinai: Oh no! I did Inflict Critical Wounds, I’m sorry!
Inferian: How would you do that by accident? I mean, if this was a game, a computer game, you could click on the wrong thing, then maybe, but no, you actually have to declare what you’re doing…

Sioneva discovers she’s been using the wrong damage dice for a short sword this entire time as she rolls a crit. Her 16 damage drops the tattooed monk. Lars’s turn comes up again, and he moves over to strike the ninja.

Inferian: “Well now, what have we here? You’re gonna be waking up in MY chambers.”
Falgrim: “Necrophilia, here I come.”
Inferian: Hey, it’s not necrophilia if he beats her down to negative hit points, then stabilizes her, puts her body in a bag of holding…
Falgrim: Stop thinking that.

For some reason, everyone starts shaking dice in plastic containers. Horrendously noisy. Benar attacks from the ground, still refusing to stand up, and misses everything. Inferian fires off a super-weak blast at the ninja, then rolls half damage. Falgrim steps forward and Power Attacks the ninja into oblivion, causing her stored cold damage to release violently onto everyone (including her comrades). It’s not enough to kill everyone, but does whack some hit points off everyone. With the evil monk trio defeated, the game ends for the night – and to think, the DM was worried he didn’t have a whole session of material.