The game opens with Inferian IMMEDIATELY casting Share Pain on his psicrystal.

Calinai: You can cast it on the world now, so the WORLD sucks up half the damage.
Inferian: That’d be GREAT!
Calinai: Big scars of canyons appear as you take damage…
Inferian: How much damage am I taking?!
Lars: And across his thralls?
Inferian: That would also be acceptable.
Lars: All of a sudden, they’re just like, “Doo de doo – AAAGH!”
DM: (muttering) I have to do something about that crystal…
Inferian: What?!
DM: That stinking crystal! It’s like a free mouse-droid for you. You can send it anywhere—
Inferian: Hey, it’s a like a wizard familiar! It’s not like I do stuff with it.
DM: Yes, it IS.
Inferian: Okay, it is, it’s not my fault Calinai doesn’t do stuff with HER familiar.
Calinai: Oh yeah, I send the snake over there, I have a feeling he might be in danger. I only have three levels in the familiar, okay, it has all of 52 hit points and nothing else.
Inferian: Mine’s not gonna be gaining any hit points either now that I’m taking levels in Thrallherd.
DM: Yeah, that’ll make the dungeon even shorter, the crystal will just map out the whole thing. I keep forgetting about that goddamn thing.
Calinai: I can’t – the snake is not as good as his, it has to be within line of sight.

The DM finally gets up to draw the map, but Calinai accuses Inferian of just making him leave. The usual squabbles over miniatures occur, as the DM stretches and grumbles to put the map down.

Calinai: I’m thinking we should hire a midget to do the map drawing. You can get ‘em pretty cheap now.
Falgrim: What’s the going rate for a midget?
Calinai: It’s five dollars an hour.
Lars: Ha ha, not even minimum wage!
Inferian: Because they’re not even minimum height!
Calinai: Hey, buddy: half the height, half the wage!
DM: Aww, man. Half a man?
Inferian: Oh, we’re going to hell.

With the elevator room drawn, Inferian immediately start nitpicking, while Mass Effect elevator jokes are made aplenty.

Inferian: “Something about this area raises all my hackles.”
DM: (staring in confusion)
Inferian: It’s called roleplaying, you asshole!
DM: No no, for a second I thought I heard ‘ankles’.
Falgrim: “How are ya DOIN’ that?”
Inferian: “A man of my talents develops this ancient sense to detect danger. When my ankles go up, you know it’s about to hit the fan.”
DM: Ankle-sense, tingling!
Falgrim: That should be the title of the game report.
DM: As the elevator rises once more—
Falgrim: Riiiiiiiiise.
DM: And disappears out of sight, the disembodied voice of the assistant curator Silverbird appears to come from the walls. “My deepest apologies, but it appears Master Goldenwall cannot see you directly. You’ll have to make your way through the main hall to his offices. I apologize for the inconvenience.”
Inferian: Oh, this museum’s getting the shit looted out of it.
Calinai: As long as I didn’t see it happen, it didn’t happen.
Inferian: Oh look, a valuable vase.
Calinai: I didn’t see a vase there.
Lars: “Hey Calinai, what’s that over there?”
Calinai: “What?”
Lars: “Oh, it was just the wall.”
Falgrim: “And I just stole your virginity.”
Inferian: “I’m sorry, Calinai, what a horrible way to lose it.”
Calinai: “That’s okay, I have more power now.”
Inferian: For a second I thought you were just going to say, “That’s okay, I have more.”
DM: You can hear a heavy shifting of stone up above.
Inferian: “Welp, that’s them sealing us in.”
Calinai: “Uh-huh.”

The group cautiously moves forward, to the door that awaits them. Falgrim steps up to open it.

Inferian: Falgrim, wait, you’re not expendable.
Falgrim: “But I can take a hit!”
Inferian: So can Lars, he technically has hit points! How many hitpoints do you have?
Lars: Sixty.
Inferian: Good, he can take 70 points of damage for us.
Falgrim: That’s fucked up…
DM: Depending on the spacing of the damage points, it could be a lot more.
Inferian: Yes, we need to optimize this best, so get him down to -9 and then have him absorb a crit.

The DM immediately smudges the map and curses. The first room they identify seems to be a pottery workshop, which they debate smashing up to find rupees and hearts. Falgrim does, in fact, search the jugs, but finds nothing valuable or sinister.

Falgrim: “This room is very boring.”
DM: I’ll have to design a dungeon with the psicrystal in mind next time. Nothing but locked doors. Behind this door is a five foot square with another door at the end. Psicrystal this, bitch! …It sounds like a simple latch is securing the door on the other side.
Lars: It’s a trap!
Falgrim: Natural 20 on my strength check to kick this fucker in.
DM: Kick my ass, you use the second finger to push…

Advancing forward, they spend a large time searching for evidence of traps, trickery, or evil, but find the barefoot prints of a medium creature!

Inferian: “That’s interesting. Who’d wander around here barefoot?”
Falgrim: “An idiot.”
Inferian: “Or a halfling.”
Falgrim: “The DM said ‘medium’. That’s not a halfling.”

Inferian goes to the bathroom, and the DM starts collaborating with the players to kill Benar. Advancing down a hall, they open another door, finding two slight indentations with a pair of humanoid statues in them. Unimpressed, the players immediately identify the clay golems.

Inferian: I’m in favor of sealing this door.
Falgrim: Yes, I think we can avoid this confrontation.
DM: You’re gonna have to at least stand inside the first cube of the room to bring that door back, or at least lean into that space.
Falgrim: It swings inward? Ah, it’s be kind of awkward if it swung outward. Terrible design. “Stop blocking the hallway!”

Inferian, with a roll, realizes these golems are unusually small, along with other typical golem information. They redouble their vows to seal it in.

Falgrim: All right, I’m going to reach in, grab the latch, and pull the door closed.
DM: You get a good solid hold of the latch, plant your sturdy dwarven feet, start to swing the door inward—
Inferian: The door is a mimic.
DM: (a pause) Why don’t you give me these ideas BEFORE sessions?
Inferian: To ask the question is to know the answer!
DM: The door pulls to, as you originally found it, and nothing else has transpired.
Calinai: We’ll get tricked by all these non-dangers… there are no monsters in this dungeon.
Inferian: Benar has rolled a 19 to disable the door latch.

Falgrim has a curious sense that something is wrong with the falls, thanks to his dwarven stonecunning. Benar rolls fairly poorly on a Search check and finds nothing.

Calinai: I’m just really tired. I need to get the blood flowing.
Inferian: We just need to get you angry at something.
Calinai: Yeah, seriously, I need to be pissed off. Blizzard’s been pretty quiet on their bullshitometer…
Sioneva: Calinai. You open up the door and there are seven guys all trying to be your Warder and you have to choose one of them.
DM: No! There will be a banquet, followed by a dance!
Calinai: The reason I was mad about that was because I had three people to choose from BEFORE it started, so I was like, oh man I gotta worry about these three, and then there were like five other decent women I wanted to choose from!

The DM continues to draw the frankly baffling map, which has turns and curves and weird things.

Calinai: Why don’t you have those ceiling monsters just… everywhere, in the world?
DM: Well gee, I got such a positive reaction the first time.
Calinai: They could all be just crystal chokers. They only attack crystals.
Inferian: And choke it. “Why isn’t this working? We’re a very stupid breed.”
Calinai: Use one of the diamonds as the crystal?
Inferian: Diamonds?
Calinai: Uh, triangles.
Inferian: Triangles?
Calinai: Caltrops.
Inferian: …d4s.
Calinai: Caltrops.
Falgrim: Isn’t there a tiny d6 somewhere?
Inferian: I just tossed it out.
Falgrim: Tinier.
Sioneva: Next time I need to remember to bring one of my little crystals from home for your goddamn crystal.
Inferian: I’ll just put MY crystals on the table.
Falgrim: They’re called kidney stones, Inferian.
Inferian: …What was that discussion we had about kidney stones?
Falgrim: We DID have a discussion about kidney stones, didn’t we.
Calinai: WHY did you—
Falgrim: I don’t remember!

The crystals sees more clay golems up ahead! They retreat and attempt to plan an advance, still concerned about the golems in the sealed room behind them. Falgrim, after going round a circular passage for a bit, ends up stepping in a suspicious square!

DM: Stop!
Falgrim: Oh. Okay.
DM: Click click – well, actually it’s not really a clicking noise you hear, it’s more of a crackle in the air as you hear a rush of air coming from above you. Make a Reflex save please.
Inferian: “It’s a trap!”
Falgrim: 22.
DM: Very nice save! Hell yeah. Take 15 points of fire damage. Your warrior’s reflexes enable you to tumble out of the way of the deadly flame strike that comes at you from the ceiling. Nevertheless you come out of it with a singed beard.
Falgrim: “MY BEARD!” …Wait a minute, can’t I just swing at it with my Frostbrand and put it out?
Inferian: I think just DRAWING your Frostbrand puts it out.

Inferian and Calinai start discussing whether or not that trap has more shots, ignoring the DM as he makes noises in indicative of an approaching creature. He reaches over to start putting miniatures down –

DM: AAAAAUUUU! GOOOOOHOHO! GOD!
Sioneva: What did you do!?
DM: Cramp! Nraaaaah! NGUHHHH! (a pause) Transcribe THAT.

Challenge accepted, dickbag.

Calinai: “At one point our DM had some serious constipation and dropped a deuce on the floor.”

The trap needs to be manually reset, so they’re safe on that account. The DM calls for initiative as two golems stomp around to engage them! Lars ducks back to buff Falgrim, while Benar ducks into a workshop to Hide and flank them. Calinai casts Bless on the party. Inferian shoots his crossbow and inevitably misses, then the golem advances into Falgrim’s range and earns a hit.

Falgrim: 23 hit?
DM: Oh yes.
Inferian: Power Attack?
Falgrim: Oh right, duh, I’m playing Falgrim, give me a sec.
DM: Do you WANT to Power Attack? That’s gonna take away from your attack roll, right?
Falgrim: Yeah, but I won’t do a whole lot.
DM: I wouldn’t do that.
Falgrim: Okay. I sensed it.
DM: You detected AC on your first attack.

Falgrim deals 21 point of damage, and the cold damage is warded away. The golem makes its own attack.

DM: It pulls back a large clay fist—
Inferian: Duck!
DM: Well, as a dwarf, he’s already ducking—
Inferian: Jump!
DM: The first passes above his head harmlessly—
Inferian: Don’t jump!
DM: Impacting with the stone wall.

The golems in the room they sealed off are attempting to smash their way out! But the sturdy door holds. Calinai and Inferian bemoan their casting build.

Sioneva: Can I – I have my… no, not shotgun.
Falgrim: She peppers us but good. “Ow!”
Sioneva: I’m thinking of Shadowrun. Can I shoot them?
Inferian: She’s gone Cheney on us! Move me all the way back, I want to get back—
DM: RUN, COWARD! RUN!

Sioneva skirmishes away some hit points from the golem. Calinai has no attacks, and Lars is trapped behind Falgrim, unable to reach the golems.

Inferian: Quick, detect lie. Find out if they’re traitors to your church.

Falgrim takes his own attack, dealing a brutal 40 damage that nevertheless fails to take the golem down! He steps back, baiting the golem to advance forward where Benar can attack.

Falgrim: I’m fine, I have 69.
Calinai: He has a very sexy amount of hit points.
Lars: Damn, that’s nice.

The golem hustles forward, and Benar steps out to deal a half-damage sneak attack.

Calinai: He’s using his sword like the dagger guy from Streets of Rage.
Inferian: He’s attacking him Yoshimitsu style. (mimes plunging his sword through his chest) God damn it, Benar.
DM: That is enough to disintegrate this one, or at least deal a final blow, but not before it landed its one attack on Falgrim, who bravely stood forward. A pitiful damage roll… this is almost as low as I CAN roll for damage.
Inferian: A pitiful damage roll… 76.
DM: Ten. Ten points of damage.
Falgrim: Fifty-nine. My hit points are no longer sexy. THESE THINGS MUST DIIIIIE!
DM: You feel – you don’t quite feel ill, but you feel something very uneasy come over as the first slams into you.
Falgrim: “They’re made of POOOOOOO!”

Lars manages to get in range for an attack, dealing 13 damage (and in crit range, but constructs!). The golem whiffs its attack on Falgrim.

Calinai: I guess… I cheer them on some more?

A brief discussion about metaknowledge and player knowledge occurs as Calinai has absolutely nothing to do. Benar activates his deathstrike bracers and deals 38 points of damage.

DM: Benar, once again stealing the glory from his dwarven comrade, stabs his short sword into the base of its back, or wherever its kidney would be. The golem shudders and collapses in a heal of clay.

The door continues to shake, but the golems seem completely unable to penetrate it. Calinai attempts to heal Falgrim, only to discover that the blows from a clay golem have had an insidious effect!

Calinai: They’ve implanted you with an alien baby, Falgrim!
DM: No, if Falgrim had a disease, I’d have told you so.
Inferian: Oh shit, clay golems prevent you from healing!
Sioneva: What?!
Inferian: I remembered it too late…

The golems continue to pound at the door! The players can’t think of a good way to bar the door perfectly.

Inferian: “Perhaps we should destroy them after all, while that spell of Lars’s still affects you.”
DM: Just going to wait for them to beat the door down?
Falgrim: Well, we can’t open it ‘cuz someone disabled the latch!

A pause, before everyone bursts into laughter. They settle for wedging some clay bricks against it, which will buy them some time to at least get further in. Falgrim hauls Benar up to take lead.

Sioneva: I can scout, because… I’m a scout.
Falgrim: But he can disable traps. And technically Benar IS expendable.
DM: I will be sad when he finally dies.
Falgrim: I will too.
Calinai: That’s when a guy comes in who looks just like Benar but he has a cowboy hat on. “I’m Benar 2. Hail Dragon!”

The DM continues to draw out the map.

Inferian: All right, let’s try to figure out what pattern or symbol is being spelled out in the hallways.
Calinai: No, that just tells me that he went to that website to create this dungeon.
Inferian: “Fuck you Infer—“ Oh come on!
Calinai: I need to find that feat that lets me turn my wizard spells into heals. Then I’ll be unstoppable.
Inferian: Except that feat doesn’t exist.
Calinai: I see that now.
Sioneva: Only in Forgotten Realms.
Inferian: Isn’t that fucking spellfire, Sioneva?
Sioneva: Yes.
Inferian: Fucking spellfire!
Calinai: What?
Inferian: Fuck spellfire!
Sioneva: Spellfire lets you channel arcane magic into heals. It’s Forgotten Realms only, and it’s supposed to be extremely rare.
Inferian: Fucking Forgotten Realms. That setting’s bullshit.
Calinai: Why do you think it was forgotten, Inferian?
Inferian: IT HASN’T BEEN.
DM: Which direction, Falgrim? Which direction does your dwarven nose take you?
Inferian: Follow your nose!
Inferian and Falgrim: It always knows!
Inferian: “Lars. Step forward and take up point on the other side. Guard that hallway while Falgrim investi--(seeing how far Lars has moved his miniature)--“NOT THAT FAR! NOT THAT FAR!”
DM: Reflex save, Lars, aaaaah!
Falgrim: It’s like some unseeable force is pushing me forward!
Lars: “I don’t know why everybody rips on me.”
Inferian: First of all, you talk like a jackass.
Sioneva: OH! This coming from YOU!
Falgrim: “Can we keep the bickerin’ out of this for now?”

The group attempts to feed Inferian cheese he wouldn’t like, and immensely enjoys his paranoid fear of their offerings. Leaving his crystal behind, they move forward to the door Falgrim spot, and Benar searches it immediately, then disarms the apparent trap on it.

DM: (jokingly) A demonic-looking cat sits before you.
Falgrim: “All right, we’re going out.” Oh wait a minute, I actually have a thing that can hit this thing
Inferian: The Frostbrand is +3?
Falgrim: Yeah!
Inferian: Yeah, all right, it’s only CR 13!
Falgrim: We can survive this, we’ve survived… …no, we’re going to die.
DM: There is no cat here.
Inferian: It’s a demonic dog. OH NO it’s a demonic toad! It STIIIIINKS!
DM: Ack, toad splatter. I popped a toad.
Inferian: We have such fun memories. Remember when we killed that demonic toad, dudes?
Sioneva: That thing stunk!
Inferian: We’re gonna have the best old age ever. Telling people our war stories in the retirement home…
Calinai: No, we would have to be somewhere in public where they can hear us, and we don’t say it’s D&D, we have to pretend that it actually happened. “We had to go up against that bigass toad! Fucking stunk! I didn’t have my mask on!”
Inferian: “You didn’t buy that mask!”
Calinai: “I know, that means I didn’t have it on!”
Inferian: “You remember when it stunk ya up?”
Calinai: “I threw up because of it!”
Inferian: “And remember the vile chain lightning?”
Falgrim: “Who are you people?”
Inferian: “Damn it, Falgrim, roll better on your Intelligence checks.”
Falgrim: “It’s Alzheimer’s, asshole!”
Inferian: “God damn it, Falgrim, it’s right here on the old age tables, it says you get smarter as you get older.”
Calinai: “I got a spell for this! I cured it! Many times!”
DM: This appears to be a vault of sorts, there are tapestries lining the walls depicting –
Inferian: (bursts into laughter)
Falgrim: Let’s roll ‘em up.
DM: Oh, you’re laughing at the tapestries. I’d barely even gotten the word out…
Inferian: You have such anger at tapestries, I can’t believe you introduced them.
DM: I don’t have anger against them. I’m just, we get all these tapestries, can’t we just have a dollar amount?
Inferian: No!
DM: Well fine then! Take your tapestries! CHOKE ON THEM!
Inferian: I’m not going to EAT them, you idiot.
DM: CHOKE ON YOUR TAPESTRIES!
Inferian: “We probably shouldn’t loot the museum. Unless we can prove it’s ALL evil…”

Benar quickly searches a chest, finds no traps, and turns it over to Falgrim. Whipping out a crowbar, Falgrim attempts to pop it open, but a 20 isn’t good enough on a Strength check. After some struggling, he opens it with a pop (of his own spine, apparently). The group squabbles over the morality of taking thousands of gold pieces from the museum.

DM: Well, Inferian… Since you seem to be the one with diabolical leanings…
Inferian: It’s not diabolical, I’m just neutral instead of lawful!
DM: I’m being colorful.
Inferian: I like how your ‘color’ always paints me as malevolent!
DM: Just because you’ve never looked in the mirror doesn’t mean it’s not my right to point this out!
Inferian: What, I’m just proposing we take a weregild…

Despite their agreement not to take the loot, the group spends about ten minutes drooling over the weapons on a rack, then heads out. Sioneva promptly dawdles behind the group and scoops up the short sword. Lars wanders off; Inferian scoops up his character sheet and starts going over it.

Inferian: He has an ‘amulet of ret heal’, I assume that lets him heal a paladin…
Sioneva: That means “Amulet of Retributive Healing”.
Inferian: I know what it means!
Falgrim: He’s being an ass.

Inferian changes the name of his former High Inquisitor to “Pedobear”. Benar searches a door for traps and finds none.

Falgrim: 24.
DM: I don’t – I don’t remember saying the door was locked, but okay!
Falgrim: “Benar, was that door locked?”
Inferian: “I didn’t check.”
Falgrim: “We’ll pretend it was.”

The room they break into contains numerous cells. The DM draws it out, then indicates that there are figures in the cells! The group cheerfully imagines the transcriber being beaten up by every passenger on a Metro car if the headset were ever to come unplugged while he was transcribing this.

Falgrim: All right, even though you have a throat full of gravel, you are our voice, so.
Inferian: “Why is that? Why IS that?”
Sioneva: Because you have a high Charisma, shut up.
Calinai: I have a… decent Charisma?
Falgrim: Then YOU talk.
Inferian: You’ve got tits, you’re less likely to seem threatening. Sexism!
DM: The woman does not stir as you enter, but the closer you get, you immediately recognize, even beneath all the grime and dishevelment, the sisterly resemblance.
Calinai: “Melina! No!”
DM: It is indeed your sister Melina in this cell.
Inferian: “Caliani. How’re you feeling about that whole… robbing from the temple thing, now?”
Falgrim: “I’M starting to feel a little better about it!”
Calinai: “Get every gold piece. And every blade. NOW.”
Inferian: I really should’ve brought my minions down here. Six at a time. …they really would’ve been useless against those golems, though, goddamn.

No one can detect evil, because Lars is asleep on the couch, but by proxy he fails to detect a disguise or an illusion on these prisoners. The old man finally manages to get a word in edgewise.

DM: “You probably won’t be able to wake her. They come in often to make sure she stays unconscious?”
Inferian: “How often?”
Calinai: Slow turn. “Who. Is. They.”
DM: “It’s hard to tell, locked away in a cell. Perhaps three or four times a day.”
Falgrim: “Sounds like you could use a drink.”
Inferian: God damn it, not the strong stuff!”
DM: “I’d settle for the keys to my own temple back.”
Falgrim: “Well here, here’s an aleskin, that’ll do for now.”
DM: “I don’t suppose Silverbird sent you down, did she? I have little hope left for that one.”
Calinai: “She did seem very... not… helpful, when we got down here?”
Inferian: “Yeah, that whole sending us down into this place…”
DM: “Well, I can assure you whoever’s calling himself Goldenwall now is not me.”

They free the prisoners, and with a small application of healing magic, wake Melina. She is weak and unfocused, but coherent.

Calinai: “What happened? Apparently you were gone for weeks…”
Inferian: Lie to her. Comfort her. Tell her you found a Warder before she passes into death.
Falgrim: Terrible.
Calinai: “Oh, I found a Warder, look at this mighty dwarf!”
Falgrim: “What the-?!”
Calinai: “FAKE IT.”
Falgrim: “How would I fake such a thing?”
Calinai: “SHUT IT!” (slapping him)
Falgrim: “Ow!”
Calinai: “I am fading, sister, did you get one?” “Yes… this… dwarf… and… old man.”
DM: “Eh?”
Sioneva: And the strangely alluring scrawny guy!
Inferian: I’m not scrawny, my Strength is 14!
Calinai: I’m looking at the possible choices for a Warder. You… A woman… that guy… Benar…
Falgrim: “In fact, you’re my Warder, sister!”
Inferian: Yeah, that’s a natural 1 on your Bluff check.
DM: She does her best, it’s a bit halting, and she begins to recount her tale of –
Inferian: (singing) Tale as old as time…
DM: How she was hoping to actually get a jump on the whole hunt for the Horn. Although Gilead wouldn’t be a likely place for it, it was the first stop on her way north, and—
Calinai: (singing) Beauty and the beast…

A long pause.

Falgrim: That was out of fucking left field. Where the hell did that come from!?

Melina explains that she snuck into the museum and was overwhelmed, and the death of her Warders is all but outright stated. Calinai tries to trade Falgrim to her; she and Inferian start yanking him in opposite directions. The curator is horrified to hear of what the basement of his museum has been turned into, with all its random tunnels and a lift. Neither able to move them, nor bring them along, the group reluctantly concludes that they must be left behind. They move the two to the vault room, the most defensible space they can think of.

Calinai: It’s like, “Who put this chest of gold and weapons here?!”
Inferian: “Mine now! As curator, Ah claim this!”
Calinai: When did he become Foghorn Leghorn?!
Inferian: As soon as he saw the gold. When he saw the gold, strength returned to his battered body, just as it would have for Foghorn Leghorn.

Benar steps up to listen at the next door, as they turn their attention to advancing again.

Calinai: If he rolls a 1, Benar just smashes his face into the door…

Benar only hears the golems faintly beating their way out of the sealed room in the distance. Everyone starts growling like Christian Bale in a Batman movie… except possibly Inferian.

Calinai: You sound like you’re Batman who’s out of breath!
Falgrim: And chubby.
Inferian: So, Val Kilmer, then?

Benar promptly discovers contact poison on the next door, just BARELY managing to avoid being poisoned by it thanks to an amazingly lucky roll. They step inside and discover a treasure room, which – all moral compunctions now set aside – they loot the holy hell out of. Having found both of the major treasure troves of the dungeon, the players end the session by retreating and calling down Exterminatus on the dungeon… except not really.