Sadly, the great battle of the previous game was lost thanks to recording errors. The prior session was devoted entirely to a battle with Magnus. Highlights include Inferian dealing 157 damage to Magnus in one shot, after which the DM shuts his DMG and stands up, briefly causing everyone to believe he’s actually walking out (the Magnus in question was actually a clone-thing), and a running battle of dispels as Magnus constantly kept attempting to force the PCs to slay the queen and her guardsmen. The DM also nearly kills the entire party by failing to consider the minimum caster level of Delayed Blast Fireball, and consequently its minimum 14d6 damage. Also Lars attempted to shamelessly seduce the queen IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE FIGHT. Like TWO SECONDS AFTER.

The game opens with the gratuitous rolling of dice! Lars attempts to take over the game. Cissy attempts to take over the game. Inferian heads for the door.

DM: Fuck casting. I’m never running a game again. Without – all magic will have been sucked from the world, by the… dragon god.
Calinai: You can make that up, you can have a world where there’s no magic. There’s a few rules you have to make. No magic… no dinosaur pets…
DM: I would allow dinosaur pets just because I can actually fathom the rules for having dinosaurs. I don’t care how zany that makes the game, I could care less about that. [The DM for that campaign] was concerned about roleplaying, and stuff like that. We can’t roleplay at this table properly! We’re too much a group of goofballs. I’m not saying it doesn’t get done, I’m just saying – if roleplaying is the salt, then goofing off is the pepper, and we can’t do one without the other at this table.

The group, sincerely impressed by this, proposes to make a Hell Kitchen spinoff out of this game. The PCs, having recovered from the rumble in the throne room, take a well-deserved break, since in-character they’ve been going full-tilt for a long time straight.

DM: How have you decided to array yourselves in the guest rooms? Are you all sleeping in separate quarters?
Calinai: I would HOPE so.
DM: Or if you decided to get one large suite and make that your home.
Calinai: No, we’re all in separate quarters, in the same area.

Inferian asks Falgrim about the Forsaken, as he is the most Blight-knowledgeable of the group. The DM starts writing out their names hurriedly.

Inferian: “Tell us what you can of the others.”
Falgrim: (still waiting on the DM) “Hold on, I’m joggin’ me memory.”
Inferian: “Tell us now!”

The DM vows to frame gaming memorabilia and mount it on the wall of his man-cave… when he gets one.

Falgrim: “Uh, there’s Magnus, aaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnd…. Somebody else? Give me a sec?”
Calinai: I think he only asked if this wasn’t the only one, so… no. This was not the only one.
Falgrim: Yeah, I could be an ass about it… “Well, he is one of six.”
DM: You can cross one off if you like. One down, five to go!
Inferian: First time anyone’s ever done THAT in the history of the world!
Falgrim: “The others are… Calligon.’
DM: What you remember of Calligon is that he was chief of all the dark gods’ dragon servants.
Falgrim: “Dagoth. Firaxis. Morgaine. And Sindaine.”

Inferian, questions whether Magnus’s impersonation stunt is a common modus operandi, but Falgrim lacks the knowledge to answer that – he’s a soldier, not a tactician. The DM knocks on the table.

Calinai: Why are they knocking on the public doors? I don’t understand.
DM: You guys have closed the doors, that means if you want to come in, knock.
Inferian: Can I open the door with the Force?
Falgrim: (exasperated sigh)
DM: You wild surge for two to open the door? Go ahead!
Inferian: NO! That’s the path of a Sith!
DM: Go ahead, I’m keeping track of your power points now!
Falgrim: I open the door. I waddle over…
Inferian: “I think you might’ve just been able to say ‘enter’.” He waddles over to the door, then says ‘enter’.

A well-dressed man enters, completing some joke the transcriber is not familiar enough with to accurately render. Calinai pipes up with a Knowledge(nobility) roll of 21, identifying him as a representative of Ilian.

Calinai: “Do you bear a message of your lord?”
DM: “I bring tidings AND a message. I have been informed via conversing with the royal court of your past exploits, and first let me convey my congratulations. The Forsaken are indeed loose and you have already met with one in combat and slain him. Your names will spread like wildfire throughout all the kingdoms.”
Inferian: THAT’s gonna be awkward.
DM: Or at least what you’ve done, if not your names.
Inferian: “Lord Dragon and friends, slew the dread lord Magnus.”
DM: I’m sure rumor’s going to twist that into all kinds of things, like you guys actually killed the Dragon or whatnot. By the time it gets halfway around the world, who knows.
Inferian: “And Falgrim was wearing a WHAT when he did it?!” As the dwarves hear twisted rumors back in their own kingdom. “The sober dwarf Falgrim slew Magnus.” “WHAAAAT?!”
DM: There’ll be no going back to the border for you!
Calinai: “Swears off beer,” he says.
DM: “You killed a Forsaken… but you sobered up.”
Falgrim: “What’re you talking about?! I’m drunk right now!”
DM: “There is no wagon on the Blight border, my friend.”
Calinai: “They say you’re a good actor. You can ACT drunk.”
Falgrim: “I’ll show YOU drunk!”
Inferian: There’s a sign outside the dwarf kingdom: “You must be this sloshed to enter.” It’s a dwarf with his beard askew and his mug lifted into the air.
Falgrim: “All right, boys, get busy drinking.”
DM: Get busy drinking or get busy dying. The Dwarfshank redemption.

The messenger tells them that King Swerengin continues to offer his support, but has Whitecloak troubles to consider, so the quality of help might not be so good for a bit.

Inferian: “Damn Whitecloaks!”
Calinai: “If there was a Whitecloak here right now I would KILL HIM! KILL HIM! …maybe Lars here is one!” He has a big tattoo on his back: “I’m a Whitecloak!”
Lars: Big sunburst tattoo across the middle of my chest.

The messenger inquires if their efforts have born any fruit, leaving the players racking their brains to try to recall what all has happened in this campaign. They (very) briefly recount their adventures to this point, with the main sticking point being who took the last relic they had sought, and where the ‘shadows lie’ so they can find it. They also explain their additions of Lars and Sioneva…

DM: “Who might you be, if I might ask?”
Lars: (stares a moment, then checks his character sheet for his own name)
DM: “Lando Calrissian, is it?”
Calinai: LARS. Lars. Great White of the North. Discerner of Lies. Lars.
Lars: “My name is Lars.”
Calinai: The Whitest Cloak since the laundry day.
DM: “You would be Sir Lars of Bleach, then.”
Calinai: “I have some of your product, here!” It’s like this box of laundry detergent with Lars on the front, covered in a completely white cloak…

Lars gets distracted by his spell list and class abilities, trying to figure out if he can detect if this guy is lying. He discovers he can actually see through illusions, which would have wrecked a whole lot of what Magnus had done. Retrospect!

DM: Just the sound of Inferian’s voice makes me laugh while drinking. ‘Cuz when you talk, I hear every funny thing you’ve ever said, and there’s been a lot.

With the nature of Lars’s abilities finally identified, the DM verifies that the NPC messenger is not lying or deceiving them. Finally the actual message comes out… which everyone is talking over.

DM: “It has come to his attention from various sources… one of the other seals on the dark god’s forces may be –“ Shut up!
Lars: Sorry.
DM: Not you. (A pause) Well yeah.
Calinai: Why’d he say ‘not you’?
Falgrim: He’s – he’s slightly inebriated.
Calinai: Oh that’s right. Hey don’t go too far. You know what happens when you go too far.
DM: I’m not sure I remember. What, have I hit on lesbians?
Calinai: That’s what I do. Then I throw up in a toilet.

The remainder of this conversation is redacted.

Inferian: …So we’re going to have the equivalent of the Nixon tapes. “What happened?” “I must have been leaning on the microphone.”

A running gag robot is deployed to kill people who know too much. The ‘stay on target’ line is also deployed.

DM: Too late! I’m the DM! I don’t have to stay on target! Right with ya, Red 3! “Which brings me to King Swerengin’s message.”
Inferian: His drunken message.
Calinai: You didn’t have your minions when you met him, did you?
Inferian: No.
Calinai: That’s going to be a fun meeting.
DM: Well, they’re not there with you now. You’re having Adventurers’ Council, I assume he’s told to…
Inferian: He’s overseeing the minions, making their provisioning…
DM: Making sure they do their prayers and stuff. “Lord Dragon” every morning.
Inferian: Yeah, you know that “Rahl’s Prayer” thing, I got them doing that. “Lord Dragon protect us, Lord Dragon guide us…”

Calinai finally gets around to explaining Lars’s presence among them; the messenger doesn’t really care. The group continues to heavily lampshade Lars’s poorly-hidden allegiance.

Calinai: “If there is a Whitecloak with us, feel free to kill him. Doesn’t matter who it is…”
Inferian: “Falgrim! How could you?!”
Calinai: You see a crudely drawn white flag on Falgrim’s arm, it just came out of nowhere.
Falgrim: “What the--?!”
Inferian: One of Lars’s prestige class abilities: “Blame Others.”
DM: The Finger-Pointer!
Calinai: Just put a slash next to Discern Lies. “Make Lies.”

Sioneva also explains her presence there, as well as Valiha’s absence.

Inferian: “She remained behind to provide succor to a group of tinkers who were being shamelessly attacked by Whitecloaks.”
DM: “And what a succor it was!” Ha ha, I couldn’t resist, I couldn’t.
Inferian: This is what I get for having a vocabulary!
Falgrim: It merely exacerbates the situation.
Calinai: Just because you’ve got big words doesn’t mean you gotta use them all the time.
DM: “So who among you leads since Inferian has gone off the deep end?”
All: (looking at each other) “Uhhhhh.”
DM: “And I thought it was bad before, people who I never met in character. Which… once again, brings me to King Swerengin’s message.” Next week: King Swerengin’s message!
Calinai: I told you we could extend these games forEVER. I’ll turn this into a Dragon Ball Z series before you know it!
Inferian: (holding his arms up in the air) Wild Surging… Wild Surging… WILD SURGING…!
DM: Commercial.
Sioneva: Hold on, we have to do this right. (grabbing Inferian’s hair and holding it straight up above his head)

The messenger finally reveals that the National Museum in the nation of Gilead has a heartstone collection, and advises them to investigate it. He then inquires if they have any message to take back to Swerengin.

Calinai: “Tell the king to HAIL LORD DRAGON!”
Inferian: Calinai, that was odd… thank you for your support.
DM: “I’m sure he will find the nearest reflective surface and do as you command.”

How this didn’t become a masturbation joke, I’ll never know.

Inferian: “There is one thing. A group of three… strapping farm lads, I suppose it is—“
Lars: No homo.
Calinai: “Three strapping farm lads, no homo, with delicious chests, and melty chocolate eyes…”

Inferian explains the whole ‘shadowspawn kidnap the farm boys’ angle. The messenger politely chastises them for getting tied up with halflings.

Calinai: Hold on, let me explain what happened. They managed to crash their train right into Swerengin’s domain, all the people on it were killed…
Inferian: The train crashed directly into Swerengin’s backside, the three boys are now impaled upon his backward-swept horns, and he hasn’t noticed yet.
Calinai: They’re just rotting up there. “Have you seen three boys?” “I don’t know.”

Calinai provokes Inferian into doing something horrible, possibly with his tongue, and then screams in horror and regret.

Calinai: OH! GOD – THAT WAS SO WRONG! WHY DID I TELL YOU TO DO IT?!
Inferian: Falgrim! I think you just won the game of homophobe chicken!
Calinai: FUCK YOU! THAT WAS SO WRONG!
Falgrim: (calmly) I love the homos now.

…it only gets worse. I don’t know how the goatse reference came in, and frankly I don’t feel like examining it any closer.

DM: It’s like the health channel, “We’re going to cut this person’s eye open and drop some Skittles in it,” I don’t need to see that shit!
Inferian: “We should speak with the queen about obtaining transport up there… since our horses have arbitrarily disappeared once again.”
Calinai: Didn’t we leave them somewhere?
Inferian: Who the fuck knows?! They’re horses in a D&D campaign! They’re like Schroedinger’s cats!

The game pauses to reminisce about the hurricane and the role the horses played in saving them all. Lars stumbles onto the insight of how much he misses during games, as the DM for that campaign mocks them. The PROPER DM notes that the trip would be terribly long without halfling aid.

Calinai: But he gave me this drum, I just go -- (making a twisting motion) -- “Boop a doop doop” and the train zooms in!
DM: You call the Knight Bus.
Inferian: You call Flammie.
Calinai: Heh heh, Flammie.

The only other likely location is too general and too far away to proceed, so despite the distance they seem to have committed to the museum lead. Inferian makes a joke about his minions.

Calinai: That’s horrible! Did you figure out what his plan is? He’s gonna get us a cart, and he’s going to run his minions to death. We wake up in the morning and a new set of minions will pick us up, run THEM to death, and just keep doing it over and over again!
Inferian: That wasn’t my plan, but I LIKE that plan.
DM: I would love to, what do you call it, preside over the first actual alignment shift of this table. Every evening you reenact that scene in 300 where they push a whole bunch of guys over the cliff, because in the morning they’re all there again.
Inferian: At the end of the night, we toss all the corpses into a trough, when we wake up the next morning the new minions are feasting out of the trough.
Lars: Oh, that’s just wrong.
Inferian: No! It’s EFFICIENT!
DM: Where’s the alignment die? I’m going to roll up your new alignment.
Inferian: So here’s my plan: When new minions show up, we kill them, take their stuff, and wait for more new minions to show up. Infinite moneymaker. Can’t go wrong.
Calinai: No wonder this class wasn’t in any of these D&D games.

Calinai suggests consulting the Sedai sisterhood, and the DM thanks the group for not making him have to suggest it. They briefly discuss what they were telling the queen, agreeing to tell her pretty much everything, as one of their few allies.

DM: You can certainly count on her support now, Lars notwithstanding.
Calinai: We should have let him sleep with her. He probably does have a Whitecloak tattoo somewhere.
Lars: Hey listen! She found me to be amusing!
DM: I should just let you weasel your way in there, and find out she has a chamber of, like, whips… you gotta put your head into, what’s that thing? Stocks. By the time you get out you have a DR to slashing and bludgeoning because you’re just covered in scars.
Falgrim: This has become like the Sword of Truth series. A whole third of that fucking book was someone getting tortured.
Inferian: Our LAST game was straight out of the Inheritance Trilogy, what the fuck was that? Oh, I’m sorry. (dripping contempt) The Inheritance. Cycle. ‘Cuz he couldn’t fucking wrap it up in three fucking books.

A pause.

Inferian: But let’s not get me being bitter about books.
DM: Evil pacifists! One of the only things that’s ever made you slap your hand down on the table.
Inferian: (clutching his head) EVIL WEREWOLF PACIFISTS, WHYYY?! (whimpering) The evil werewolf pacifists went shirts versus skins!
Falgrim: (just to goad him on) They looked like WOOKIES!
Inferian: (collapsing, and overtly whimpering at this point) They did… how did that win an Oscar?
Calinai: Oh that’s right! That’s the movie – why was Anthony Hopkins in it? Why was Anthony Hopkins in that fucking movie?!
Inferian: (still whimpering) He needed money badly… he lost it in one of those high-stakes poker with Tobey Maguire.

The queen promises to investigate the notes, which will take until they get back! Pleased by this fairly inviting railroad, the group prepares to boat down the river to the Sedai Tower.

Calinai: I get to go back and hear the sneers of my sisters, as they say, “She still doesn’t have a guardian.”
DM: Yeah, the sneers of your sisters, who’ll be like, “Yeah, you took down a Forsaken without your own guardian, how ‘bout that.” No. The worst thing you’ll have to worry about is someone challenging you to a mage fight, or whatever they do to establish dominance.

Lars questions Calinai as to what type of Sedai she is, which is determined by color. The DM wanders off into complaining about characters from the book series, and wishing horrible deaths on the ones he likes least. Inferian, meanwhile, speculates on a scene from Game of Thrones, where a man had failed to disrobe before sexing up a woman.

Inferian: His clothes had Charisma-increasing magic! If he took them off he’d be ugly!
DM: The Tower grounds are open to any and all. Well, obviously not Shadowspawn…
Calinai: On the front side: “No Shadowspawn, no Whitecloaks,” the Shadowspawn one has a monster in a big X… The Whitecloak one…
Inferian: It’s a guy kicking a tinker.
DM: Obviously Whitecloaks are not welcome, although they wouldn’t be forbidden from the tower grounds.
Inferian: Whitecloaks use rear entrance.
DM: Well, Whitecloaks would never go there. Or would they? (looking at Lars)
Inferian: So there’s two different drinking fountains: “WHITE”cloaks, and “COLORED” Sedai.
DM: (bursts into laughter)

Calinai seizes Benar by the throat and starts threatening the holy hell out of him. Inferian also has a word with him about ‘No Lord Dragon’. The DM vows that should Benar ever die, Inferian’s next follower will have the personality of Droopy. Calinai suggests Wimpy from Popeye instead. Calinai continues to demand good behavior from Inferian and his men.

Calinai: I’m making sure to tell you to tone. Your little friends. DOWN.
Inferian: You know, I haven’t exactly been encouraging them this entire time. I just don’t stop them because I’ve given up.
Calinai: No, I’ve listened to you at night, when you’re secretly undoing everything we do.
DM: It’s not “Hail Lord Dragon,” it’s, “Hail Lord Dragon”.
Calinai: He has a song he makes them sing at night to inflate his ego.
Inferian: I’m teaching each of them to play a different instrument. My goal is to get 250 followers and have a whole parade one day.
DM: You could do the whole Suikoden thing. You’re the Lord Dragon, you have a 108 followers, you got a cook, you got a…
Inferian: I’m fairly certain you already threatened to do that in another game.
Falgrim: It has been brought up before.
DM: Really? (a pause, and then he visibly lights up) OH CRAP! IT HAS! THAT WAS AWESOME!
Inferian: Yeah, that was right after meeting Kelly the maid, and Cheltenbourne…

Questionably fond memories of that campaign return…

DM: It would have made much sense for you to have your tentacle-rape swamp on the second floor.
Inferian: Ha ha, it would’ve SUCKED for whoever was below it, that floor wasn’t exactly super-waterproof, you know.
DM: Well I’ve got tentacle rape growing through my ceiling. Why don’t ya prune, ya fucking lizard? Oh, you can’t prune, you get raped if you prune. You have to roll a 24 on your initiative to roll a pruning attack.

It just gets worse, as these conversations usually do. Returning to the game, the DM questions them on their mode of transport.

DM: You gonna find yourselves a likely ship, or the cheapest thing that comes along?
Inferian: I think a LIKELY ship would be more better, as opposed to something that is NOT likely to be a ship.
Sargassas: Better yet, all your minions lay down side-by-side…

Calinai hastily appoints herself group representative and sets off to seek out a boat. She walks aboard a nearby one, but sadly the captain is heading downriver, not up.

DM: “The only boat I saw heading upriver—“
Inferian: “The Leaky Rustbucket!”
DM: “Was docked…” (bursts into giggling)
Calinai: “The Lepernomicon.” The biggest undead boat in the sea.
Inferian: We have to hitch a ride with a shipment of manly pleasure toys headed for the Sedai tower. They go through them like WILDFIRE.

The captain directs them to a vessel from Ilian a few docks down. Falgrim, meanwhile, has stumbled onto the same ship and is swapping delicious alcohol with a mate on it, leaving the rest of the group concerned that they’re going to lose him to this ship. Helpful names for his replacement are suggested, such as ‘Dalgrim’, ‘Lamfrig’, and ‘Bofur’.

Inferian: This is our next adventure, a daring rescue of Falgrim.
DM: Actually, the Kandori merchant has been found dead, choked, over a mug of Kandori ale, and two mugs discarded in the room!
Lars: I’m gonna tie a rope around Falgrim and another around the dock, so the boat starts leaving, it’s just gonna drag him off.
Inferian: Roll a Strength check!
Calinai: He just snaps the rope.
Lars: Rips the dock out.
Inferian: He hauls the boat back to dock.
Falgrim: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLE!”
Inferian: Hey DM, roll for weather.
DM: Oh shit, what do you roll for that?!
Lars: Oh my god, a tornado just landed in the middle of the harbor!

Somehow this turns from natural disasters into SimCity disasters. Falgrim adamantly refuses to build road for his citizens. They board the ship they were directed to, to find a stout captain awaiting them.

Falgrim: “Do you be the captain of the ship?”
DM: “I do be! Ah, ye speak the language, do ye? Arr!” This isn’t a dwarf…
Calinai: It’s a human who has rickets and several other diseases that make him look like a dwarf.
Falgrim: He’s bearded.
DM: He is chin-bearded.
Calinai: He has extreme scurvy. There’s a pile of fruits right next to him that he could be eating to get rid of the scurvy—
Inferian: No, Calinai, no. This is D&D. He has Dire Scurvy.
Falgrim: He needs to eat a Dire Orange.
Inferian: A Dire Orange has a 6d6 slam attack for some reason…
Calinai: How many minions do you have again?
Inferian: Christ, a lot.

After the math, it works out to 18 total with minions and party.

DM: “No other cargo?”
Calinai: “No, we lost our horses…”
Lars: We hobbled them.
Falgrim: (sadly) “We had to… hobble our horses.”
DM: “Oh, I’m sad to hear that, I do be. Always a waste of good horses to hobble them.”
Calinai: He’s like, “But you see, I can’t let you on my boat… because I am the horse god!”
DM: “I had to hobble of me own horses once. Brought a tear to me eye. But in the morning he woke up.”
Lars: “I had to hobble me wife!”
Inferian: The hobble would be a cross between a hobbit and Barney Rubble?

The PCs cheerfully agree to shove all the minions into cramped conditions to accommodate their presence. The captain proposes to charge them 2 gold per person!

Calinai: (pointing at Inferian, voice quavering) “You will pay for your minions…”
Inferian: Haggle, you idiot, haggle!
DM: (seizing Calinai’s sheet and jabbing it violently) THIS SAYS YOU CAN AFFORD 36 GOLD!

Calinai accepts the offer, to the captain’s overt shock. The DM struggles for a name for the NPC for a minute.M

DM: “I be Captain… I be Captain Alucard, a student at the Temple of Shao-lin.” (switching accents) “Please, come aboard my boat, blah blah.”
Inferian: Well this doesn’t seem suspicious.
DM: “I am certainly not a vampire monk. This is my first mate, a nightmare-inducing awnshegh!”

The group sets off with much fanfare. Literally.

DM: As part of their standard equipment all your minions now have trumpets.
Inferian: …awesome!
DM: “Get on with the ceremony!” Until finally Inferian wild surges for two and blows the end of all their trumpets.
Inferian: Swerengin shows up. “Coronation, Inferian? This is bad comedy.”
DM: Ah ha ha! Fifty XP!
Falgrim: That’s drunken XP, I don’t know if it counts.
Inferian: Look, I’m taking it.
DM: Fifty for everyone!
All: Yay!
DM: One short, uneventful, and murder-mystery-free boat ride later…
Falgrim: All boat rides from now on will be very short and very unimaginative.
Calinai: I pull the red card. Uh-oh, the boat ran aground.

Calinai ponders what character to make to ensure they never have a boat mystery again.

Calinai: I’ll be… solid points in everything to do with Diplomacy and Bluff, I’ll have it, so if there’s a murder mystery I’m just going to break it out of people. “Did you do it? Huh? No? Done. Get out of my face.”
DM: Yeah, that boat is somewhere else.
Lars: “Wow, that guy died of a heart attack, dude, how did you convince everybody that he murdered him?”
Calinai: Your character will be so good that [the murderer] comes in to murder the guy, and the chair turns around, and it’s you. “I think you’ll be finding yourself otherwise occupied tonight.”
Lars: “No no, I’m going to wait until you’re done murdering him before I finger you out.”
Inferian: I like how you hastily added the word “out” at the end.
Calinai: “I’m just making sure I’m here to see it, so I know who did it.”
Lars: “I’m not Lawful, I’m not going to stop him, I’m just going to let everyone know who did it.”
Inferian: “I’m Neutral Smug.”

The group attempts to lube up the XP wagon by passing the DM more beer, cheerfully willing to threaten his life for XP. Inferian notes that ten minutes of actual game time has taken an hour and forty minutes so far. Arriving at the tower, the party cheerfully shakes the rumor and gossip tree to see what falls off – many rumors about Lord Dragon make everyone giggle. Inferian adds his own rumor about the Dragon killing a Hydra. Meanwhile, Benar listens to all of this while the players imagine him stewing and steaming.

Calinai: He’s like Roger Rabbit in the background. “Two bits..” “THE DRAGON’S RIGHT HERE!”
DM: “No thrall can resist the old Dragon in a Drink.”
Inferian: (singing to Shave and a Haircut) “Where’s the Lord Dragon?” “RIGHT HEEEERE!”

Between that laugh and Swiss Rolls, the DM awards everyone 100XP. Stepping in, Calinai is greeted by a Sister Melissa. They chat briefly about rumors and dangers out in the world, though Calinai refuses to waste much time on idle chatter.

Calinai: I make my way up to see if I can’t secure transport to the next runestone.
DM: Second floor… magical services. After ascending a broad flight of steps…
Lars: Third floor, women’s underwear. Fourth floor—
Inferian: Spell damage!

The Sister that greets them is a White Sister. Tasteless jokes ensue. They discuss transport to Gilead, only for Calinai to discover another Sister had already gone there!

DM: “I suppose you’ll be off immediately? Still no Warder, I see?”
Inferian: Oh burn!
Falgrim: Actually, there’s two Sisters behind you who say that. “DAAYUMN!” “BURN!”
DM: Yes, there are some 12-year-old girls running errands in novice dresses. “Hee hee hee hee hee!”
Falgrim: Slap the bitch. You know you want to!
Calinai: I would make sooo many laws doing anything magical to anyone in the temple.
Inferian: Slapping isn’t magical!

Calinai gets back some of her own when recounting the defeat of Magnus, though it leaves her with a bad taste in her mouth.

Calinai: Not having a Warder is like not having a boyfriend in high school… “It’s a tradition in my family to not take one who has been trained…”
Lars: But doesn’t your sister have, like, nine different guys…?
DM: Oh man, you’re giving me an idea. Your sister’s a great big slut.
Sioneva: She’s a Pokemon trainer, gotta catch ‘em all.
Lars: Didn’t she say she sleeps with them all for ‘warmth’ at night?
Calinai: What she does with her Warders is her business. But she did find them outside the Tower.
Inferian: Literally outside, they were huddled up in balls.
Lars: She has Thrallherd.
Inferian: One day we’re going to find someone with one rank higher on the leadership table than I am, and I will not rest until I see them ended.
Calinai: He’s sitting there raising up his stats, to get more minions… pretty soon we’re just lost in the minion wave.
Inferian: There IS a cap.
Calinai: What’s the cap?
Inferian: Anything at 25 or higher Leadership score, you have 135 first level dudes, 13 second, 7 third, 4 fourth level, 2 fifth level, and 2 sixth level on your side.

With transit arranged, the next morning the whole procession marches into the Tower, with a horrifically uncomfortable Lars in tow, heading straight for the teleportation circle.

DM: “Of course a Sister is entitled to use Tower resources, but, I will certainly have to check with the city’s bank for you and your sister’s account to ensure transportation for this large a group. I trust that is all right with you.”
Calinai: “It must be done.”
DM: “Since your sister is not here, I cannot ask her permission.”
Inferian: Oh boy, this is going to come back and bite us in the ass later.
DM: “Safe return for you both, I hope. Go in the Light, Sister.” (making sci-fi teleporter noises)
Inferian: “ENNNH! Whitecloak! ENNNH! Whitecloak!”
Caliani: The Whitecloak is automatically transported to another prison and there’s a beam that makes us forget about him.
DM: “You are currently over the Whitecloak limit of zero. Please remove the Whitecloak to proceed.” “HOW DARE YOU impede the travel of the Lord Dragon!”
Inferian: “ENNNH! Lord Dragon detected!”
Calinai: “Huh, we’ve never heard THAT alarm before.”
DM: “LORD DRAGON IS A WHITECLOOOOOOAK!”
Inferian: God damn you! Correlation does not imply causality!

Appearing in Gilead at long last, the group heads for the town proper; Calinai pauses to interrogate a servant about her sister. No one seems to have any decent information on her; she was clearly here at one point, but no one seems to know where she’s gone. Without any leads to go on, they follow up on their original plan: visiting the museum which has a stock of heartstone!

Calinai: (attempting to make Inferian eat something) It will give you superpowers, sir. (long pause) And malaria.
Inferian: My superpower IS malaria.
DM: Upon entering, there are travelers and patrons from various lands milling about, heading from one exhibit to the next. A human located nearby the entrance greets you all as you walk up the large entryway. “Greetings and welcome to the National Museum of Gilead. Please, explore all we have to offer, or is there a specific exhibit we can interest you in today?”
Calinai: “What’s your most popular exhibit?”
DM: “Oh, well, it’s hard to pick just one. EVERYONE’s coming to the Shadowspawn exhibit.”
Calinai: “Where the lord Dagoth is showing off awesome shadowspawns he’s invented to destroy us all.”
Inferian: “I think there might be much here to interest us.”
DM: “But sir – but ma’am – but Lady Sedai…” After catching a hint of the serpent ring on your finger. “But the most popular exhibit is our entire grounds. Visitors will arrive here in the morning and not leave until the sun goes down. Which leads me to mention, we have a fine eatery. A fine overpriced eatery. And a souvenir shop!”

They find a map, which the DM specifically describes as not resembling a dungeon, and set off for the ancient artifacts exhibit. Falgrim immediately gets bored, but the display of heartstone is empty!

DM: A woman in the Gildea livery that you’ve come to recognize since you’ve been here sort of casually meanders over to your group. “Ah, it seems you’ve stumbled upon our quen’delar exhibit!”
Falgrim: “Ah, where is it?”
DM: “This material, made in the age—“ as she starts off on the spiel.
Falgrim: “You’re not answering my question! Where IS it.”
DM: “I’m sorry, Master Dwarf. Actually, our curator has been examining all of our heartstone exhibit. It’s temporarily closed. He’s been trying to trace actual parts of the world where they may have originally come from to help discern the changes that may have occurred during the Breaking.”

They agree to go to the curator’s office, making Karazahn jokes all the way. The guide leads them into the back and to a lift.

DM: “I’m afraid the lift will only carry six at a time.”
Inferian: “What a convenient number.”

The lift lurches downward, to their mild surprise.

Inferian: Your heart will explode.
Calinai: Your friends will betray you.
Inferian: You are not a guest.
Calinai: Lars is a Whitecloak. “I believe it!” Stab, stab, stab… It starts stating obvious information. “The dwarf drinks beer.”
Inferian: This is the shittiest Old God ever. “You are underground.” “You are hearing my voice.”

Alone in the dimly-lit basement, tension closes in, especially as the DM threatens to draw out the next room – but they abruptly realize the time of night. On that ominous note…