DM: It still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a BRONY! AND NOW I HAVE A NAME FOR YOU! I didn’t know about this awesome name I could LABEL you!

The DM vows never to buy pony toys off Amazon for fear that every single recommendation on it would become pony-related – although Pony Silent Hill apparently would gain at least a niche following, and Pony World of Warcraft wouldn’t be terrible.

Glass: So we got on the ship and there’s, there’s a Bone Gnawer for no good reason.

The DM quickly clarifies that they’re getting onto the ship to overload it and blow up the facility.

DM: What’s your character’s name?
James: James.
DM: A Bone Gnawer. The glorious city of New York.
Sayid: Great place to be a bum.

The transcriber pauses the game to flip Cissy’s player off, to the amusement of the other players, who found the transcriber’s increasing agony with Cissy’s voice hilarious.

DM: You’ve been given an odd task, You’ve reached the destination, but sadly, this particularly task ended up to be a trap by some local… entrepreneurs, you could call them…
Sayid: What else could we call them?
Janelle: Poachers.
DM: There you go, werewolf poachers. I dunno.
Sayid: Glass would just be like, “Hey guys, I’m not a werewolf! Doo-da-doo-da-doo!”
Glass: I don’t sound like a halfling.
Sayid: I don’t remember how he sounds.
Janelle: You will.
DM: After what seems to be a long time unconscious, you find yourself in a cold prison. A blank room, no lights, you feel around, the substance around you doesn’t feel like any concrete you’ve felt before, and not dirt. The door ahead of you is seemingly open.
Sayid: Are there Pringle-men outside?!
Glass: “Oh, I’m sorry, we were looking for Mal.” They release you.
Sayid: Our Mal is in another castle.
DM: That’s where you are.
James: I’m in a room with the door opened. I’m waiting to see who’s coming in!
DM: No one’s coming in! It’s quiet, there’s nothing around.
Sayid: The door opened on its own?
DM: The door was never closed, as far as he knows.
James: I go up to the door, poke my head out –
Glass: Oh, you didn’t check for traps!
DM: As you go to push your head out the door, you’re shocked by what seems like a field of electricity. It throws you back.
James: Did they put a shock collar on me, dude?! Like a stupid Labrador retriever?!
DM: As you shake yourself off, you see a sort of ripple of energy and your vision ahead through the door seems to have like you’re looking through… the back side of an engine, you know the gas fume sort of haze? It hazes for a little bit and then eventually you can see through it again like it’s nothing.
James: So I’m trapped by a force field.
DM: …Yes. But, you don’t hear any guards.

James rolls Perception + Alertness, which amazingly is 10 freaking dice. Obviously, he succeeds.

DM: Steeling yourself, you attempt to listen to the conversation, as we zoom to the entrance of the ship.
James: What zoom…?
DM: I’m… going to the other guys. You’re hearing the echo of their voices. The ship is silent, most of the ship’s systems are off now. Whoever had taken the ship had left pretty hastily. Most of the systems are running cold.
Glass: Hey John, I’m gonna ride on your shoulder, that’s cool, right?
DM: Broken-Tooth moves over to one of the panels on the wall. Some of the lights begin to cut on as he zips through systems. “What have they done to my ship?”
Glass: “They’ve probably messed it up and tried to figure out how it works.”
DM: “More than likely, but the systems… They’ve also tampered with some of my holding cells, put some of my own captives in them as well.”
Glass: “Well maybe freeing them will go a little bit better than all of those other guys in tubes.”
DM: “Perhaps. The cells are down that way, head through there, down the ladder to the main basement area. Engineering is… through this other path, through the door, but it’ll take a little time to get some of the main systems online.”
Glass: “All right, we’ll go crack open whoever needs freeing!”
Sayid: “We’re going to crack open… those who need freeing?”
Glass: “Crack open what’s imprisoning them, so they can escape. Like a beautiful baby birdy.”
Sayid: (pained sigh) This is half the fun of this campaign.
DM: As you go down the hall he pointed out, the lights start to come on as he brings more of the systems online.
Glass: “I wonder if there are any eggs. I’m kinda hungry.”
John: “I doubt it.”
Sayid: “You could look over the side.”
DM: Perception + Awareness.
Glass: Alertness?
DM: You know what? Awareness. It makes more sense to me! You’re not being alerted to things, you’re AWARE of your surroundings!

The DM rants on the distinctions of the denotations of ‘alert’ vs. ‘aware’, which have nothing to do with how White Wolf used the words in naming skills, then attempts to force everyone to rename “Alertness” to “Manly Awareness”.

Glass: I look over John’s shoulder. I see the floor. Good for me!
DM: Everyone else roll. This is kind of important for what you wanted but since you FAILED, miserably…
Glass: I misunderstood what he was saying and looked at the wrong thing.
DM: Lucky for you in your weaving your head about you managed to barely get your eyes on something interesting. Some very familiar looking figures in tubes.
Glass: Oh, it’s the tube people!
DM: No, they’re… like you. They’re not moving, floating in a – well, they’re still in some kind of gel. You can tell they’re not attached to anything.
Glass: Did Broken-tooth wander off?
DM: He’s still over by the panel working the system, so you’ve probably gone far enough away that he doesn’t see you.
Glass: “Can we go ask Broken-tooth how to get those guys out? The last time I tried it REALLY didn’t go well, you remember.”
John: No it didn’t…
Sayid: You just press two buttons on the keyboard and all the water drains out, then it punches the glass, breaks out from the inside, then Glass says “Don’t come this way!”
John: I amble over to Broken-tooth.

The group immediately begins singing the ‘baby bumble-bee’ song, which thanks to cartoons is irrevocably associated with an ambling bear. Broken-tooth tells them how to release the creatures, but cautions them that some of the creatures have been asleep for centuries or even millennia.

Glass: “So they’re gonna be reaaaaally hostile when they come out. But we still gotta do it, because it’s the right thing to do.”
John: “Sadly, yes.”
Glass: “Let’s free them.”
Sayid: “Strangely, I find myself agreeing with you.”
James: Do I have any of my gear? Weapons, armor?
DM: Yeah.
Glass: Just no pants.
Sayid: Solomon Grundy wants pants too!
Glass: John, to the panel!
John: Doo do doo.
Glass: You’re going to be ambling everywhere…
Sayid: He’s a Berenstein Bear.
Glass: He’s a Berentstein Dire Bear.
DM: You head over to the first one. It’s a creature much like yourself, in your smaller preying mantis form that you’re in now—
Glass: Uh. Gila monster. Not preying mantis. There’s something of a difference.

The Gila monster in the tube is huge and ancient. The creature awakes instantly when the fluid is drained and starts tapping on the glass.

John: Red one, right? Shoom, out the airlock.
DM: The wrong button!
John: Yellow button…
DM: “Vile wretches! Free at last—“
Glass: (matter-of-factly) “Hold on, hold on. We’re the good guys here.”
DM: “Good guys—“
Glass: (matter-of-factly) “Yes.”
DM: “There’s no good… only pesky wolves, kill all people!”
Glass: “Okay, no, neither of us are wolves, you will note that I am a talking lizard, much like yourself.”
DM: “No servants of the wolves… kill all those not werewolves!”
Glass: (matter-of-factly) “I am still alive.”
DM: “…perhaps… I sleep too long.”
John: “Hi! I’m a Gurahl!”
Glass: “Yes, you’ve been asleep for a damn long time. Daaaaayuuuumn!”
DM: “I sees. You have freed me! You, young one, you are of my kind.”
Glass: “You got a loooong way to go before you’re entirely free.”
DM: “Yes, but you have freed me of this cage.”
Glass: “Yes, that’s true.”

The Mokole conveniently offers to teach Glass the Gift he wanted. James finally makes enough noise to be heard by the others. Glass attempts to give the Mokole the Cliff Notes of 2000 years of history. James continues to shout from down the hall.

John: “Do you guys hear that?”
Sayid: “I thought it was just a reverberation from the Umbra.”
James: “No, goddammit, no reverberation—“
Sayid: “Pay it no mind.”
Glass: “And so then, George Washington had the stake that he used on the elder vampire made into teeth, so he would always remember his victory.”
DM: “Vampires?!”
Glass: “They exist.”
James: That’s fantastic! He would bite THEM!

The DM explains that the alien race had saved the Mokole from the Purge, as specimens to hunt later. Glass anticipates having to be very delicate in explaining the presence of a werewolf on the team.

Sayid: Glass’s idea of delicacy is like, “Oh, I seem to have killed that human child! I’m sure he would’ve wanted me to pick my teeth with his finger.”
Glass: I think you may slightly be overestimating that level of sociopathy here!

They continue to spy other Changing Breeds, such as large felines and a monkey.

Sayid: The lion! The tiger! The monkey! And the cock!
Glass: And apparently the mantis. They’re the Furious Five.
DM: And you still hear the cries of someone—
Glass: “Why hasn’t anyone gone to investigate that yet?! Come on, Sayid, what do we paid you for?!”
Sayid: “I’m not a detective. I’m just a messenger.”
Glass: “Then take a message to whoever’s making that noise!”

The DM just starts openly snarking at them, which, let’s face it, is deserved. Finally, Sayid goes down to spy James messing with the security panel – without any success.

DM: Alertness plus Awareness, let’s see if you hear him coming.
Janelle: Perception plus Alertness.
DM: NO!
Glass: Stop making shit up! Just call it a Spot check from now on and we’ll just know what you mean!
DM: WOOHOO!

James does hear Sayid coming. The two face each other through the door.

Sayid: “Hello there.”
James: “Hello.”
Sayid: “What’re you in for? Come here often?”
Glass: (growling) “Where’s the Joker?!”
John: “Harvey Dent? Can we trust him?!”
James: “Truthfully, fuck if I know. I just woke up, and here I am.”

Sayid notices the extremely obvious green button on the side of the cell, freeing James, then stubbornly refuses to introduce himself.

James: “Where is this place?”
Sayid: “I forget…” Are we still on the boat?
Glass: We’re still on Namek.
DM: You’re on Fake Namek. The five part episode that just wasted all of our time.

James can’t figure out why he’s there, relating it only to an investigation job he’d been hired to do.

Sayid: “Well then. I’ll take you at your word that if I press this button and let you out, you will not do me any harm.”
DM: “And to ensure this, I’m going to shoot off your knees.”
John: But he needs those to LIVE!
Glass: And be an adventurer.

Sayid frees James, then pretends to turn the door back on as James is stepping out.

DM: Sayid doesn’t like your character…
Glass: He’s like, “I let these other guys into my group and look what happened. I’m not making that same mistake again.”
DM: You take 27 points of energy damage as lightning courses through you…
Sayid: Well if he’d started talking to me in the fashion of you, I would just leave it in the cell. (poor-quality Glass impression) “I think you should let me out of this cell!”
Glass: “Could you let me out? It’s cold in here and I think I’m out of oxygen.:
DM: He goes back upstairs. “Don’t worry, guys, it’s just a recording, there’s nothing in there.”
Glass: I think this session is going to end with Glass in one of those and you guys just walking off. “Guys? Come oooooon.”
Sayid: After I let you out I’m going to motion you back the way I came.
James: I’m just gonna follow.
Sayid: …No, I’m going to motion you back. I still don’t fully trust you, you gotta understand, don’t take it personally. Introductions can happen after we get to the whole group.
Glass: After you step up to the big lizard with a little lizard on its shoulder talking to it, “Uh-oh! Act normal!”
John: If it doesn’t strike him as “Aaauuhhyyuuuhuuhh—“ [in other words, if John is not affected by Deliriump.

James walks back the way Sayid came, coming back to the rest of the PC group.

Glass: “And so then, Edison and Tesla had a massive lightning duel over the skies of New York City.”

James tosses down a quick roll to identify Gila monsters and promptly botches, becoming convinced they are dinosaurs.

Sayid: “My dear ex-prisoner… welcome… to Jurassic Park.”
Glass: “I’m a compy!”
DM: The large one must be the mother, the small one must be the baby. You remember watching that Jurassic Park movie, you think these are the spitters.
Glass: “Dilophosaurus. That movie was scientifically implausible at best in its examination of the dilophosaurus’s abilities. They almost certainly didn’t have that ruff thing. …I mean… hiss. Gila monster noise. Gimme an egg, I’m hungry.”
DM: “What sound do we make?” “I dunno, I usually just talked. Humans back in my day, they didn’t really care when they spotted you. They usually just shit themselves and ran away.”
James: I didn’t freak out, but I have absolutely no idea what it is..
Sayid: Since he doesn’t seem bothered by the dinosaur and stuff there, this is my clue that something’s up.
James: Oh my god it’s a tokay gecko.
Sayid: “You don’t seem bothered by these talking lizards at all.”
DM: (stage-whispering) “I think they’re dinosaurs!”
Sayid: I’m backing away in case I have to shoot him.
James: “What are they?”
John: I amble over it.
Glass: (baby bumblebee song)
DM: Don’t do that, you confuse me, I keep thinking he’s in his bear form!
Glass: (paralytic laughter) Beautiful… wonderful…
DM: Whenever you do that I keep picturing him in his bear form, on his hind legs, hunched up trying to walk like a person!

Sayid continues to ponder how to identify James, then hits on the idea of speaking to him in the Garou language.

Sayid: I’m going to just ask him a simple question, then, something like… uh… (long pause) Uh…
John: “My hovercraft is full of eels.”
Sayid: “In Soviet Russia, Gila monster spits you. Or you spit Gila monster.” Something like, uh, “Did you shower this morning?”, something like that. Something innocuous.
James: “I woke up in a cell.”
Sayid: Did you answer in Garou?
James: No, I just understood it.
Sayid: But you answered the question, that’s good enough. “It would seem introductions are in order.”
Glass: ...uh-oh. Well, my companion can talk, and HE just made that Mnesis roll, he knows what language was being spoken there too.
DM: Yeah, he understood it.
Glass and Janelle: Uh-oh.
John: RAAAAAAAGE!
DM: You can feel he’s anxious under your feet. It’s almost like he’s trying to back further into the tube.

Fortunately, the elder Mokole doesn’t frenzy or murder, and Glass quickly tries to talk him down, Sayid cheerfully keeps trying to kill the elder (out of character), while Janelle starts freeing the big cats while everyone is distracted. James reveals that he also has the Curiosity Flaw, leaving Sayid the only one without either that or Easily Distracted. James finally gets around to introducing himself, complete with stutter from another Flaw.

James: “My name is James-s-s… S-s-sunderland.”
Glass: “Is he mocking lizards?! I think he is!”
John: “I think it’s a stutter!”
Sayid: “Mr. S-s-sunderland. What tribe do you belong to?”
Glass: I think I’ll be making frenzy checks reaaaly quick.
James: “I have no real tribe, I’m one of the Bone Gnashers.”
Janelle: Gnawers!
James: What?

John is introduced, complete with music, after which the DM rules he can never stand still, but must constantly walk around while a band of chipmunks plays that song.

John: “John Whittaker. Can I amble somewhere for you?”
DM: You turn to introduce your female companion only to notice the tiger is now climbing out of his cage.
James: (gun-cocking noise and motion) I’m sorry, I don’t know what the fuck this thing is!
Glass: It’s a GUN!
James: No, I see a tiger climbing out of a cage, dude, I don’t know what the hell it is, so I pull my gun on it.
Glass: So not only can you not identify Gila monsters, you can’t identify tigers. You’ve got a problem.

John pushes down James’s gun. The tiger and the elder Mokole chat briefly; they are apparently old companions and brothers-in-arms from the War of Rage.

Glass: “If this guy was my own ancestor, that would be weird and awkward.”
DM: He looks up at you. “Best not to think about it.”

Sirens are heard outside. The game goes briefly silent.

John: …they’re coming! HIDE!
Glass: They found out about the [incredibly offensive, referenced in a prior game report] shirt!
Sayid: And Hitler!
Glass: Yes. That was implied.
John: No! I have him here!
Glass: Oh god damn it, John! What have we told you about that!?
John: Stop playing with the occult, I know, I know…

The Mokole starts eying the group, using the Gift Sight of the True Form to identify their natures, then promptly rears up (forcing Glass to make an Athletics check) and jumps into a defensive posture with the tiger, having discovered the werewolves.

Glass: “I’ve been working with Sayid a while now. He even bailed me out of a nasty situation I got into.”
Sayid: “…when did I do that?”
Glass: “When I was trapped in the cage! You were… sort of… involved… in helping. It’s like I was saying—“
DM: “I know, it‘s just… his stench is of the tribe. I do not say that you smell or stink—“
Sayid: “You used the word ‘stench’!”
DM: “My apologies, it’s what we say—“
Sayid: “You’re a racist lizard!”
Glass: Whoo, take that, rails! We’re going OFF this bitch!
DM: “You smell of the tribe that destroyed that village, the one I was defending. Your smell is very similar.”
James: “Uh, that’s my fault, I haven’t showered in a while…”
DM: “You just stink.”

A brief discussion ensues on the role and activity of the Silent Striders in the War of Rage quickly develops into Order 66 and Darth Sidious quotes. Star Crunch ice cream sandwiches are proposed.

Glass: Aaaaanyhoooooo, now that these guys are done making their frenzy checks…
DM: He begins scratching at the lion’s cage. “They got him as well! What is this place?”
Glass: “I’m gonna let someone field that who isn’t me.” (a pause) “Sayid, you like to talk, maybe you can explain it.”
Sayid: “Since when do I like to talk?”
Janelle: I’m opening the lion’s cage.
DM: Broken-tooth comes in, as if called.
Glass: “You’re always talking. ‘Put that down, Glass.’ ‘Don’t point that at me, Glass.’”
Sayid: “I’m not the one that discourages you!”
Glass: “You’ve helped.”
DM: “It was used to preserve unique peoples by my ancestors, ages ago. Eventually it was lost, though. So find yourself lucky. You might even have the task of repopulating your particular breed of werecreatures, as little comfort as I’m sure that is. We’re running low on time.”
John: So where’re the children at?
DM: “It’s time to eat humans, left and right!” Yeah, he’s like, “We still eat humans, don’t we?”

Broken-tooth tells them that they need to go down to the basement and wreck up the automated defense systems so they can get on with the job.

Glass: “What are they?”
DM: “Mostly automated turrets.:
Glass: “What’s a turret?”
DM: (dropping his head to his hands)
Sayid: (snickering furiously at the DM’s expression)
DM: “Basic—what’s that he has, that gun? You know what that is? Imagine a gun that shoots by itself.”
Glass: “Why should we be threatened by these? Sayid’s shot lots of things and it didn’t bother them at all.”
DM: “These particular guns were designed to deal with creatures of your type. These particular turrets were in place to ensure that the preserved victims wouldn’t get out of hand and kill them. It’s besides the point, we haven’t used these particular ones in a long time. While old, this tech was designed to last. So if you all are ready, we can make our way down.”

The elder shifters choose to stay behind, being not up to combat yet. Broken-tooth cautions them that they have only two minutes to get out once they set off the explosion.

Sayid: “Only two minutes.”
DM: “…well I could make it for longer, I just figured you guys were pretty quick.”
Sayid and Glass: (baby bumblebee song)
DM: Everyone else is running, he’s just, “Aaah, slow and steady wins the race.”
John: “I got this, guys! I’m gonna soak that entire explosion.”
DM: I’m rolling for explosion damage… Wow, I just got a million snake-eyes, somehow. You take one damage.
Sayid: You’re doing a dance in the middle of the explosion. “I’m a bear and this is my dance.”
John: (singing) “I got the… bear necessities!”
Sayid: (randomly, to Glass) You should turn into, like, Yoshi when you shift.

They head down to the engineering level, which is dimly-lit, but the turrets and automated robots are clearly visible. The ceiling is not solid, but consists of iron beams and piping; it appears to have been stripped. John and James vow to steal copper wire.

DM: They haven’t noticed you yet, they continue to make their sweeps. Seems that bringing on the power has brought them back on. (as someone makes a literal sweeping gesture) Yes, they’re actually sweeping the floor.
Glass: With laser brooms.
DM: I have trouble envisioning these laser brooms…
Sayid: LASER BROOMS?!
DM: There’s just these lasers sweeping things.
Glass: “I’m sorry, this was back from our period when we thought lasers were awesome and put them in everything.”

Glass suggests that in his small suchid form, he sneak by above the defenses in the piping and girders. The DM starts making up stupid rolls and challenges Glass to roll Subterfuge, which in White Wolf rules is for lying and deception, not stealth. Janelle hurls Glass up into the ceiling area, where he latches onto a girder and begins creeping forward with a surprising deal of skill. Sayid narrates the stealth tutorial.

DM: As you make your way through, you find you’re not alone up there. You see several large rats.
John: Weeeererats!
DM: They’re scurrying about, and they’ve spotted you.
Glass: If they’re speaking the actual wererat language, I speak it now too! God damnit it, I got this Mnesis 5 for a reason!
DM: “Many tasty morsels have come upon the ship!”
Sayid: (giggling) They sound like the Intesticons!
DM: “The lizard has much meat on him, oh much meat he has…”
Glass: “Oh stop that.”
DM: “You speak us no!” “Food does not talk.”
Glass: “Then I’m not food, clearly.”
DM: “Oh, you’s food, we know you’s food.”
Glass: “But then I wouldn’t be able to talk, and I can talk, in your language, so. By the way I’m trying to save everybody, so if you like being trapped up here, that’s fine, but…”
DM: “Not trapped here, we walked in here! We eat the remains that the peoples give us, so tasty. They leave food around, but now they gone, they leave. Maybe you why they leave. We kill you and they come back and give us food.”
Glass: “Oh no, they’re upstairs, waiting to give you food.”
DM “Wh…”
Sayid: He’s actually gonna get away with it…
DM: Charisma + Subterfuge!
Glass: What Subterfuge?! What Charisma?! I fail horribly!
DM: Do you have more rolls in Manipulation?
Glass: Nope, it works out the same either way. I’m not good at this! I’m a lizard! I lived in a cage! Most of my manipulation went to the idea of, “Hey, I’m a lizard! Not… awesome. Yeaaaah.”
DM: “He’s obviously lying to us.” “But he said the peoples, what if he’s telling the truth!”
Glass: “Let me put it this way, you can go check it out, or you can stay down here and mess with me, and I’m very poisonous.”
DM: “…I haven’t seens your kind, it’s better not to get yourself killed—“
John: “Trust me, he is—“ pew pew pew! (miming the bullets hitting his body) “DAMN IT!”
DM: “Yes, yes. Don’t worry, we will not eat you, but I’m sure the big things down there will have much fun with you.” He pushes off a seemingly inanimate object. “Have fun.” They scurry off. WHOOOP! WHOOOOP!

Glass scurries after the wererats, while the turrets power on and begin to track for targets. Sayid just frowns.

Glass: “Man, they’re never gonna believe this wasn’t my fault!”
John: “Really guys, Ratkin up in the ceiling!” “Yeah RIGHT.”
Sayid: “Oh yeah, there are always Ratkin in the walls…”

Smaller cleaning bots show up in the roofing to come hassle Glass, but overall nothing appears to have locked onto anyone. Indeed, most of the weaponry is looking for Glass, not the rest of the group on the ground.

Glass: (Portal turret voice)) “I don’t blame you at all.”
Sayid: (robot voice) “Working. Late. Mr. McDuck?” How many of you remember THAT episode?
John: Jesus Christ.

For the first time ever in a non D&D game – and I mean EVER -- the DM draws out the battle on the minimap.

Sayid: (referencing a game of StupiDuel) Is this the DM-killing robot we’re about to fight?
DM: It’s the oldest model of DM-killing robot. It’s pre-DM. So it’s just a killing robot.
Glass: I dunno, a pre-DM-killing robot sort of just implies a robot that’s designed to seek you out and punch you while you’re still in the room. (a long pause, then Glass continues hesitantly because he is fully aware he is crossing a horrible line) Wow, that brings a new meaning to the phrase “Abort Mission.”
Sayid: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Janelle: Glass, you’re horrible.
Sayid: I don’t know about new. Arnold did that many many years ago, he just wasn’t successful.

Sayid and Glass awkwardly make Terminator jokes to cover the incredible awkward and painful silence that has fallen over the table. Luckily, they start complaining about plot holes and inconsistencies in the movies, which breaks the spell. The DM puts down two robots and four turrets on the map. The usual miniatures squabble ensues, wth more difficulty than normal because of the whole ‘werecreatures’ aspect.

John: “Hey Glass, let me show you how to tie a pretzel!” (miming twisting a robot into a knot, with grunts and squeals of metal)
Glass: “Ow!”
John: “Oh sorry, I meant to do that to the turret… I don’t know why you groaned like metal.”
Glass: “I have a decent Stamina.”

The group starts the initiative rolling. As usual, Glass rolls ludicrously high, because the Striking aspect benefit is substantially more overpowered under Revised rules than the Second Edition rules it was originally written for. Glass drops down behind a turret, stealthily, as it spins about.

James: So you’re sitting on top of it? (singing) You spin me right round baby—
All: (singing) Right round!
Glass: (singing in-character, also badly) “Like a record, baby, right round whoa dizzy!”

Janelle holds her actions. The microbots split up – one follows the Ratkin, the other sits above Glass wondering where he went. James fires his gun, with nine dice, at a robot, for four health levels of damage.

DM: If they didn’t know you were there, they do now!
Glass: You fool! You foolish fool!
James: “S-S-S-S-SUCK IT!”

Janelle (amazingly) shifts shape, while Sayid lampshades that their entire round of actions will be wasted once John simply walks over and crushes their foes effortlessly. The robots attempt to tase James and Janelle. James takes two, Janelle soaks entirely. The turrets then unload on the group as Sayid returns fire, rolling a remarkable 7 levels of damage.

DM: Shooting almost in the precise point that [James] did, you cleanly shoot off its head, leaving only mere sparks as it begins to flail about.
Sayid: “You’re terminated, fucker.” …First useful thing I’ve done in the entire campaign.
James: “Nice sh-sh-sh-shot.”
Sayid: “You softened it up. I just finished it off with the big gun.”

The turrets put a couple levels of damage into everyone but Glass, who is behind them shifting into Crinos. James takes some more, Janelle shrugs it off, and I think Sayid and John shrug it off as well. John finally acts, shifting forms himself while Glass mocks them all for having intermediate forms.

James: “What the fuck is that?!” Because I’ve never seen him transform.
John: And right next to you, James, a 12 foot bear.

Glass bites a turret, which obviously fails to dodge, and shreds it, then pimp-slaps the other one with his tail blades. He starts piling dice into his hands.

DM: What the hell?! How much damage does your tail do?!
Glass: Strength +2 agg, and my strength is currently 8.
DM: Oh wow.
Glass: Seven damage.
DM: Bing! You manage to destroy one of the guns on the turret, but it’s not completely destroyed. Still barely functional.
Glass: “Aww man. Someone shoot this thing. It’s mocking me by existing.”
DM: It is crippled.
Glass: Ah-choo!
DM: Basically, pretty much.

Janelle finishes shifting, while James puts the turret down with another shot. A robot charges the bear foolishly, punching John with a silvered weapon for five levels of damage. The DM is briefly horrified to realize that John can’t soak it, and quickly allows John to default to a dodge, which he succeeds at. A turret continues to vigorously tase the group, though everyone soaks it down pretty easily.

Sayid: Four damage to robot number two.
Glass: No! Tom Servo!
Sayid: Crow is down, Servo’s also hurt!

The DM charitably allows John to spend a Rage for another action. Glass explains the intricate details of actions, irritating the DM.

DM: I’ll allow it this time because of my foolishness. If you don’t like it, Glass, there’s the door. You can look at it.
John: That’s 17 raw damage…
Glass and Sayid: (baby bumblebee song)
John: That’s 11 damage.
DM: You proceed to rear up, and then squash it, as you turn it into a tin can. Of beans! There’s a can of beans, a picture of a robot on the front. “They’re robotlicious!” There’s only two turrets left!
Glass: I’m gonna go enter that code.
DM: …With your big dragon hands—
Glass: I have the Grasping Hands merit! They’re perfectly prehensile! Also I’m only six feet tall, they’re not much bigger than mine are.
DM: But remember, I retroactively changes the universe, you are now a Japanese-style dragon with bigass feet. You’re just scratching at the console.

Glass enters the command, setting off an alarm. Janelle leaps on a turret to rip it apart, shredding seven damage off of it, and then James lifts his gun to finish it off.

Glass: You know, he refuses to change into Crinos, it must be an embarrassing form for him. He’s like that big dog that’s been on the news all the time.
John: He probably has a Flaw where as soon as he turns into Crinos, he has to sit down and rub his ass on the floor.
Glass: “Aww, someone needs to take better care of puppy.”
DM: That’s a weird Flaw.
John: That’s a GREAT Flaw.

James finishes off the turret; Sayid shoots the last one, and soaks some damage in return. While John rolls his attack to end the last turret, the DM cheerfully relates a story about Sayid drinking Skittlebrau.

Glass: “All right, let’s get out of here.”
DM: “One minute till self-destruct.”
Glass: “Hey, he lied to us!”
DM: You guys have already made your way almost out.
John: Oh, okay.
DM: “Here, we have to just be inside the explosion so we can jump out, at the last moment.” Also don’t look at the explosion. If you look at the explosion, you get minus two to… everything.

The DM refuses to describe the explosion because no one is looking at it. He also refuses to let the characters look at it.

DM: Are you still in your dragon form?
Glass: Yes. Yeah, I’m gonna run out in lizard form. (mimes futilely flailing) “Oh, what was I thinking?!”
James: “Curse these short legs!”
Glass: You feel someone watching you as your companion walks around you.
John: Come on, let’s Crinos bro-fist.

Glass and John start rolling for damage to see how much explosion damage their brofist does. The elder Mokole makes note of how much smaller Glass’s Archid form is. Glass hops back onto John’s shoulder, though the DM threatens to make him roll to see if he can change back in time without crushing John. Broken-tooth bids them farewell, cloaks, and leaves.

James: “What the fuck is going ON? I just woke up in a cell like two minutes ago! What is this place?”
DM: “You guys did a great job.”
John: “So, uh, so James, where ya from?”
Glass: He was implying an NPC was talking to us, guys.
John: Uh what? I didn’t hear.
DM: Burton is up in a tree.
Sayid: Kurt Burton!
DM: Yes, Kurt Burton.
John: “So anyway, James, where ya from?”
Glass: Ha ha ha, fuck you, Kurt Burton!
John: …okay, seriously, go ahead.
DM: “Well I was gonna pay you guys, but I guess you don’t want it.”
Glass: “You were gonna pay us?!”
DM: “Yeah, but you guys apparently want to talk to this other guy more importantly—“
Glass: “I’ll – I’ll take an egg.”
John: Yeah, I got my Gurahl credit card right here.
Sayid: Shut up, Mr. Burton!
Glass: “Sayiiiid! Cover your heaaaart!”
John: “Shut up, Round Eye.”
DM: He throws you a bag… of…
John: A bag of rats.
DM: You look in the bag to find—
Sayid: Facehugger in a bag!
DM: You find money. Reward. And experience.
John: Huh. Did not know it was a physical thing.
DM: It’s a piece of paper with a number.
Glass: “Oooh, can I eat it?!”
DM: Uh --- you just ate the party’s experience. You WERE gonna get five experience apiece, but he just ate it so he gets fifty experience.
Glass: All RIGHT! Apparently I processed it very efficiently, too, since I doubled it in my stomach.

The DM starts awarding Renown, to his own confusion.

Sayid: So they get honor for fooling with a series of tubes?
John: Hey! It’s not a big truck.
Glass: Yeah, we were on the big truck earlier.

The DM attempts to award John three points of temporary Succor just for carrying Glass around and putting up with him. He ponders how to give permanent Renown to John and Sayid, with no elder members of their breeds not around to perform the relevant Rite, but not wanting to bog down the game with invividual meetings for everyone. Glass suggests that the spirits can carry their deeds directly.

DM: The spirits have seen your actions!
John: Yaaaay!
DM: And are DISAPPOINTED.
John: Aww, it’s the Death Bear, isn’t it.
Sayid: Ancient spirits of evil… transform this furry form…

Kurt Burton attempts to give them a task directly resembling Night at the Museum; Glass starts rolling frenzy checks. More legitimately, Kurt Burton turns to address James.

DM: “James! I am, as they have said… Kurt Burton…” (giggling)
Glass: I like how he can’t even keep a straight face.
DM: I wish I had not done that now.
Glass: “But my REAL name is… Burt Kurton.”
DM: That’s even worse.

Something incredibly comical occurs – I think John attempted to catch a Star Crunch but instead bounced it directly into the DM’s hands. Somehow the conversation gets REALLY weird; John confirms he still poops in the woods, which the Pope takes as proof that he’s still Catholic. Bears also shit on the Metro. James and John get in a shitting-on-the-Metro competition.

DM: You watch as he flips open his watch. You seem to be fascinated by it. He closes it again. You look around… and you’re sitting in the middle of an inn, now.

A long pause.

Glass: “Maybe I should have been in human form for this. Welp, kind of awkward now! John, you’ve got a pet lizard.”
John: “No problem.”
DM: That’s a good response. He’s now sitting on a couch instead of a tree, drinking some brandy.
John: Weren’t you using your pipe as a walking stick in your human form? Why do I have to haul THIS for you?
DM: “Relax. We’re far enough away from the factory explosion that it’s not a problem. I’ve already got you rooms… Relax! You’ve done good work. I’ll probably have more work for you soon but for the moment, enjoy yourselves.”
John: Roleplaying? No, screw that!
Glass: Don’t be the DM.
John: All right, okay. I’ll be [an old gaming friend]. “Less gay more slay.”

This seriously was his motto.

DM: All right, John, while they’re being gay, you proceed to slay the waitress. With your third leg.
Glass: “We Mokole call that the ‘tail’.”
James: “What the hell is going on?!”
DM: “Oh, that’s right. You’re new.”
James: (pointing at Glass) “And w-w-w-what the fuck is that thing! It was THIS big, then it was THIS big –!”
DM: There’s no one else nearby, it’s pretty empty at this point. The bartender seems unaffected by everything else going on around him. You realize you’re not in the same inn as you were before, you’re in a different one. Give me a… a Spot check, is what we’ve come to call it.
Glass: (ducking under the table) “I found the fork!” Shift up to Homid…
DM: As you peer around, you’re somewhere – it doesn’t matter that you’re there. People there seem to know and are well aware of what’s happening in society. You see pictures of werewolves, pictures of things that a normal human establishment shouldn’t have. You’re in his personal place, you could call it. You can see his achievements, his accomplishments around…
Janelle: His speakeasy, okay.
Sayid: Kurt Burton Speakeasy.
John: Diagonally.
James: “Okay, I s-s-s-s-still haven’t gotten everyone’s names.”
John: “John.”
Glass: “Glass!”
Janelle: “I’m Janelle.”
Glass: “That’s Sayid.”
DM: You feel the track of several footprints climbing up your back. “And I’m Rat!”
Sayid: Wha—what?
DM: His back. Two odd-looking rats.
Glass: Do I recognize these rats?
DM: Yes! They’re very familiar.
Glass: (grabbing motion)
DM: “Let go! We were only -- You promised us people give us food, so we followed you!”
Glass: “Yes, and then you tried to get me killed. I didn’t approve of that.”
DM: “You didn’t get killed. We needed an escape.”
Glass: “You could have just asked, we could have worked together all nice and friendly.”
DM: “But you lied to us!”
Glass: “Because you were trying to eat me. Remember? Remember the eating?”
DM: “But we didn’t!”
Glass: “Yes, because I convinced you not to, because of the poison.”
DM: “You still lied to us, because there’s no people to feed us, so you feed us!”
Glass: “And you’re still jerks! So first we’ll feed you, and then we’ll have a little tit-for-tat!”
Sayid: (to the others) “I think they have much potential for amusement…”
Glass: (starts furiously shaking the rats like maracas)
DM: “Stop shaking us! Stop! Stop! Stop!”
Glass: “Now we’re even!”
DM: “Now look what you’ve done! I told you not to climb him!” “I had to make sure you didn’t do something stupid!”
Glass: “Hey guys. These are the Ratkin who pushed the thing down that alerted the robots to all of our presence.”
DM: “He lied to us! He lies now! Look – look at those lies!”
Janelle: Here I am because I ordered food. I set the plate down in front of him and I go, “Oh, really?”
Glass: (whispering) “By the way. She’s a cat.”
DM: (sputtering>)
Sayid: He’s the one holding a pair of rodent maracas. Are we supposed to believe HIM?
James: No, you live with it!
Janelle: I’m just giving them the sweet hunter’s smile.
Sayid: “Don’t hurt the maracas, I like them.”
DM: “Nooo!” All of a sudden, the two maracas are replaced with whole eggs, which you crush.
Glass: That was odd.
DM: “Don’t hurt them…”
Glass: “I was just gonna pass ‘em over to Sayid.”
Sayid: Kurt Burton.
Glass: “I wasn’t gonna hurt them, I was just enacting vengeance.”
DM: You look to the side and they’re sitting on a table now, where the eggs were, and two patrons are slightly annoyed by their meal vanishing.
Sayid: To be replaced with rats. “Uh… waiter!”
DM: “I don’t remember ordering live rat. I had rat yesterday, I don’t feel like it again today…”

The rats scamper up, hurling curses and vowing vengeance. Kurt quickly catches James up to speed: a group of were-creature hunters, headed by a person by the unlikely name of Albert Wesker, is capturing werecreatures almost like they’re trying to start a zoo.

James: “Where’s my food?! I haven’t eaten in weeks!”
Sayid: “Glass, did you eat his food?”
Glass: (shakes head, despite cheeks being puffed)
Sayid: “That’s a yes. Don’t bother rolling a Bluff, my Manipulation is – “ How do you oppose a Manipulation?

The group starts a food fight that damages the extradimensional spells and hurls them through time and space, except not really. Something hilarious happens, I don’t know what. Satisfied, they settle in for a comfortable night. The DM and Glass argue about how Glass intends to sleep (on a bed vs. on a pillow). The DM angrily demands the group watch “Death Bed” (The Bed That Eats People), then demands they roll Appearance+Linguistics to sleep. People start rolling successes, so the DM demands they switch to other stats they don’t have.

Sayid: I’ll use Politics to sleep. Politics + Strength.

Glass gets Rage back from seeing the sun, the next morning. How does John get Rage back?

Glass: The first time he eats a pick-a-nick basket.
John: “Hey Boo-boo!”

The group has finally wandered back to the very original task of the game: deal with a particular Shadow Lord causing a great deal of trouble. This Shadow Lord will arrive in a couple of days, and they are urged to strike while he is either at the hotel, or when he is at the actual site. The former has fewer guards, the latter a more open field and possibly the advantage of striking in his vehicle. They are also highly discouraged against openly wrecking the entire hotel.

Glass: So we’re gonna trap him in his hotel room, that’s the plan?
James: “It’s a trap!”
John: Quick! Everybody eat these baked beans, let’s gas him out!
DM: “Why is there a bear butt on my TV?” His head is sticking out into the other room, just a big bucket of beans…
John: “Oh man, these are good beans.”
DM: “This bear-farting television’s horrible!”
Sayid: Beans and cabbage! Chemical warfare! You thought the Wyrm was bad!
John: “What’s that? Borscht? All right!”

Kurt Burton hands them a packet of information, then produces his watch. Glass cheerfully grabs it.

Glass: He’s powerless now!
DM: He reaches into his pocket – oh hey! His watch was actually in his pocket!
Glass: Wow, let’s do it again!
DM: His watch and your ORGANS were in his pocket, what a coincidence!
Glass: (unconcerned) I’m in Homid, I regenerate.

The group starts questioning the exact nature of the creatures they find themselves amongst.

DM: Why, do you plan on talking to people?
Sayid: No, I plan on having a hatred of vampires. It’s a three-point Flaw.
DM: Can you smell them out? Would you know a vampire if you saw it?
Sayid: Well, they’re not all that difficult for a Changing Breed to pick out.
Glass: You’d have to make a very good Perception roll to notice they didn’t have life signs.
DM: More than likely if there was a vampire, they probably already made themselves—
James: But they sparkle!
DM: This is NOT Twilight. They’ve already made themselves pretty scarce. Your chance of spotting them would’ve been better last night as opposed to right now. Especially the guy in a corner just making out with one girl’s neck that you guys missed.
Glass: “Hey Sayid, what’s got you bothered?”
Sayid: “Thought I smelled something.”
Glass: “What?”
Sayid: “Dead people.”
Glass: “…in your mattress?”
Sayid: “Why are you in my room?!”
Glass: I assume we came down to talk to Kurt Burton! If we didn’t, you should be asking why Kurt Burton was in your room!
Sayid: Why WAS he in my room?!
DM: He’s like, “I like to watch you while you sleep.”

Kurt Burton transports them all to an alley just off a main street in Vancouver. Glass continues to ask about Sayid’s thoughts, but gets nowhere.

Sayid: I’m being obtuse on purpose.
Glass: Glass is being Glass. On purpose. Also by accident.

Janelle actually clues Glass in to the existence of vampires; Glass, in turns, points out that he’s learned to identify them by sight thanks to the Gift he’s learned – and that it’s entirely thanks to Janelle’s long-term refusal to shift. The DM reminisces about the first two games.

DM: It’s like a bunch of AA people confessing that they drink alcohol. He’s like, “Yeah, I’m a drunk,” a few scenes later, “I’m a drunk too.” They’re so ashamed of themselves.

The group is not far from the hotel (the “Blacklight”?!). James puts his Investigation skills to use to case the joint, planning to obtain the blueprint of the hotel and see if the desk clerk is susceptible to bribery. He determines that the hotel is highly exclusive (Pentex ties, perhaps?) and reservation/invite only.

James: I’m gonna go inside, and I’m gonna talk to the girl behind the counter.
Glass: “Hi, I’m an unwashed bum.”
Sayid: (collapses in laughter)
DM: As you walk in, all right… dressed the way you are, you have yet to do any cleaning of yourself—
James: I thought I did that at the inn!
DM: DID YOU!? You ARE a Bone Gnawer.
John: That is kind of optional.

The DM allows James to retroactively de-bum-ify himself; James promptly tries to shake down Kurt Burton for everything he can possibly get ahold of, like miniguns and grenades, which the DM glares at him for. Much more neatly, James enters the hotel… just as the other players actually look at the information packet Burton gave them, and discover it has all the information they wanted to begin with. James turns on the charm for the girl (completely and totally forgetting to stutter during the entire process), but she is flatly cordial but unhelpful.

Sayid: “Perhaps this one dollar bill would change your mind?”
DM: Don’t insult her.
John: “Would some leaves, a twig, and three field mice change your mind?”
DM: “Oh, why of course, sir!”

James drops the Shadow Lord’s name, and the girl becomes somewhat more helpful – at least confirming that he’s present, but she can’t reveal which room he’s going to, or even which rooms he MIGHT be going to. James and the DM get in a squabble over what skills he could use to get the information out of her, and it literally lasts five minutes, but his roll – Wits + Streetwise, finally – gets him three successes.

DM: After some smooth talkin’, you manage to get a little bit more information out of her.
Sayid: “Hello, what have we here?”
DM: “A dainty lioness behind the curtains.”
James: Can I take her on a date? I got cleaned up!
Glass: Roll Appearance+Subterfuge.
James: I have to LIE to her to take her on a date?!
Sayid: “You wouldn’t believe how good the food at the shelter is.”

James get exact times to expect the Shadow Lord, but still not rooms. James considers bribing her, but decides it wouldn’t get anything, and decides instead he has to meet the head of security! The DM throws them back at the information packet, rather than playing out encounters where the PCs struggle to learn what it contains. Glass attempts to climb the building, but discovers there are guards on the roof, and quickly swaps to climbing a nearby tall building instead to use his Eyes of the Raptor and Sight of the True Form gifts. One roof guard is clearly a werewolf, the other is uncertain even with two successes. But the game has reached its chronological duration, and with the plan still open and Sayid planning an ‘overly-elaborate Inception-like heist’, the group adjourns for the night.