Hanzo: Sibilance.
Aliarra: Syphilis?
Hanzo: Sibilance.
Aliarra: Syphilis?
Mrrshala: Sibilance, damn it!
Aliarra: Hanzo, what have you been doing?
Cissy: Apparently, not what, but who?
Aliarra: Cissy! Oh no!
Cissy: “Ha ha ha ha! Joke’s on you!”
Aliarra: “I’ve got bumps down there!”
Cissy: “When last night I had crabs, I didn’t mean for dinner!”

Why did I transcribe this? As the game meanders towards a beginning, the group shares in fond reminiscences of games past and present.

Hanzo: Kurt Burton. It would’ve been even better if you’d reversed it and made it Jack Russell.
Aliarra: He’s a terrier!
Hanzo: Exactly. “He’s definitely a werewolf!”

Hanzo becomes everyone’s book-fetching bitch, by virtue of either being the one still standing up, or the one sitting closes to the bookshelf who isn’t the DM. For reference, the path to the bookshelf for everyone but the DM is highly constrained, and requires either shoving though 8 inches of clearance between a player and the table, or going clear through the kitchen. Aiden complains about access to the Mists of Pandaria beta, although considering he got into the damn thing before everyone else, he just sounds like an asshole in retrospect. As a side note, the transcriber observes that his narrative is becoming slightly more charged.

Aliarra: A hurricane flings us onto a boat. A boat of vampire monks. Vampire wererat monks. Vampire gnome wererat monks.
Aiden: I disguise myself as a vampire.
Aliarra: Did you disguise yourself as a wererat? Roll for that.
Aiden: A wererat vampire? Are they at war? I’m just gonna hang out with the vampires.

Aiden provokes Aliarra by claiming vampires and undead aren’t the same thing. Cissy foolishly mentions Twilight.

Aliarra: I’m sorry, did you just say the “T” word in this household? Look. Racism? Okay. Hitler? Okay. Dead babies? Okay. Hitler being racist towards dead babies? Okay. Twilight? NO! WE DRAW THE LINE. “The line must be drawn HERE! This far! No farther!”

The game begins in earnest. Last time, you may recall, the group slew two shambling mounds to pass the first room of the trial to get the Mind of Kalroth.

Aliarra: Well, that was the physical challenge, I expect will face the mental ones next.
Hanzo: I thought it would be the Double Dare.
Aliarra: You must find the flag hidden in this giant nose.
DM: And a big vat of baked beans. Giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich. We’re going all-out, man.

After a brief foray into Legends of the Hidden Temple, the PCs enter the next room.

DM: You walk through the portal into the new area. You enter a picturesque winter wonderland. Large flakes of snow fall at a steady pace, covering the trees. You walk a short distance, and I would like to have a Spot check.

Aiden comes up with like a 28, being our high roller. Cissy rolls a 7, and is officially unable to see crap.

DM: Everybody but Cissy sees what appears to be writing in the snow.
Mrrshala: Is it yellow?
DM: No.
Cissy: “I don’t see shit! You could’ve picked a better spot!”
Aiden: Obviously you fell in the snow.
Aliarra: The snow was over Cissy’s head.
DM: It reads, “Use your minds. No answer is wrong, no answer is correct.”
Hanzo: It’s a psych evaluation.
Cissy: “Oh shit.”
Hanzo: “What do we do?”
DM: A whisper crosses through your minds as one. “What. Is. My. Name?”
Hanzo: Shall we answer… well…
Aliarra: “Hello. What.”
DM: You open your mouth to speak and no sound comes out.
Hanzo: What is your mental answer, Aiden?
Cissy: You are who you are.
Hanzo: You are... the navigator!
Aiden: I just keep thinking about Ghostbusters. “Choose the form of your destroyer!”
Hanzo: “Nobody ‘choosed’ anything!”
Aliarra: “I kind of… I kind of thought of the tarrasque for a moment.”
Hanzo: You are: the tarrasque. (musical stinger)
Aiden: That’s all she thinks about at work. The tarrasque. She has a picture on the wall, staring at it. “I’m gonna kill you someday.”
Aliarra: It’s the only thing that keeps me going through my miserable life. The promise. Someday. Either killing it or using it, one or the other! By the way, guys, hurry up and level.

Aliarra attempts to take it literally and attempts to address it as ‘what’, but this is wrong. The mental whisper asks the question again, and the group actually knuckles down to consider this. Aiden writes the word ‘weather’ in the snow; it isn’t right, but it gets a response at least. A snowball fight breaks out. Hanzo writes ‘silence’ in the snow; Cissy attempts to steal the idea and the credit.

DM: “What is it that you search for?”
Aiden: What’s the name of the guy?
Hanzo: It’s not a who, we’re searching for the artifact.
Aliarra: It came from Kalroth.
Aiden: Somehow it sunk in the snow.
Aliarra: We keep getting more buried. “Uh-oh.”
DM: The next area you see in the distance, a beacon of light.
Aliarra: This’ll probably be spring, then.
Hanzo: We’re going through seasons?
Aliarra: “Walk the seasons from spring to winter, then spring again and we can enter.”
DM: The area beyond appears to be a cave.
Aliarra: Spring SUCKS in elftown…

Amazingly, they find themselves in either their original adventure at the start of this campaign, or an exact duplicate! In front of them stands the statue with its hands outstretched as to receive something: the Give Me Baby! statue itself!

Hanzo: Hee hee hee! We don’t have a bab—CISSY!
Aliarra: THAT’S why we got her to come!

The door is open, though; they need not solve the riddle again. They immediately suspect a trap.

Aiden: Hold on, I’m gonna… Deviation. Nope, it’s not Divination, I’m not seeking any gods. This is Deviation.
Aliarra: I assumed you were impaling your anus on one of the hands. That’s pretty deviant.
Hanzo: (sputtering helplessly) It’s divine!

Hanzo searches for traps (or in his words, attempts to use trapfinding, despite that being a passive addon to Search checks to find traps).

DM: You poke and prod. The task of trapfinding falls to you, since sadly your other Banglasharan isn’t here.
Aliarra: That’s okay, all she can do is bake anyway, at least as far as we know.
Hanzo: I place a loaf of bread in one hand of the statue, and a cupcake in the other!
Aliarra: Ghosts attack!

They find the old ‘wrong-liquid’ trap, already triggered. The group ponders this, discusses it, then decide to tie a rope around Aliarra and send her into the dungeon proper.

Hanzo: I’m gonna try tumbling through the entrance.
Aliarra: I’ll boldly step – Jesus!
DM: You deftly tuck-and-roll past the portal.
Hanzo: (miming arrows slaying him)
Aliarra: It’s the ghost room! It’s taking images from our mind, it HAS to be!

But no, the dungeon proceeds apace just as it did originally. No one can remember who has a light.

Cissy: “I’ll light a torch for everybody!”
Aliarra: (cowering in pain and horror)
Cissy: “One torch is now lit!”
Hanzo: (noticing Aliarra) The flux capacitor’s standing out on her forehead…

Paranoid, the group searches the cave they’re in, but find only that cave has no entrance where it should. Instead, it’s just rock.

Aliarra: I kick it. You know, in case it’s paper mache.
DM: No, it is solid, quite solid.
Aiden: You haven’t kicked open a door in a while.
Aliarra: We haven’t had all that many doors to kick open.
Aiden: You’re getting pent up. You need to kick a door open soon…

So far, everything seems just as it was before. The group bemoans not taking Knowledge(previous adventures). Seeing no other options, they press onwards into this image of their former dungeon.

DM: So, you all walk in the portal?
Aliarra: NO! OH GOD HE’S GOT THE LOOK!
Hanzo: I thought you all had come through… So I really was in there all by myself?
Cissy: “Screw it, let’s do it!”
Aliarra: Well, I was going to go through first, but then you decided to just ninja through!
DM: As soon as you all walk through, the voice returns. “If you can change the outcome of one thing during your time here, what would it be?”
Aliarra: “We wouldn’t have fucked up and –“
DM: “Show me.”
Aiden: I wanted to say, “If you could change one thing in your life,” I’d be like oh man, let’s just go back…
Aliarra: Let’s go find that dwarf statue that we let get crushed instead of saving his ass. I believe that would be the thing to change here.
Aiden: I think he meant here in this temple?
Aliarra: I think he meant, “Here in your past adventure”.

The reference is to a dwarf statue that held a potion to cure his condition, but was crushed by a trap. Aiden becomes extremely confused for a short bit, thanks to the seeming jump around in time.

Hanzo: Where was the room with the dwarf in relation to where we are now?

A very long silence. The DM swiftly rules that the characters remember, since it has been substantially less time IC than OOC.

DM: So you make your way over there, and there he stands, cure in his hands.
Aliarra: How did we trigger the trap last time? Hanzo, search for traps.
Aiden: I think it just broke. It was weak to begin with, and when we went to interact with the guy, it just broke.
DM: The way it was positioned on the map was, if you walk under one directly, the cage would come down and try to grab you, and take you back up.
Aliarra: Hanzo, see if you can find the trigger mechanism for the one looming over that guy.
DM: He’s tucked away in a corner, you can probably get to him without walking directly under it.
Aliarra: Hanzo, climb the walls over to him!
Aiden: We just unleashed the most evil dwarf in the world. It was the evil guy’s manservant. Sorry…. Dwarfservant.

Hanzo starts searching, but fails to find the mechanism, despite the DM insisting that they can get it out without trouble. The group continues to plan contingencies to avoid the dwarf being crushed. With no meaningful effort, they drag the statue into the clear, then pour the potion he holds into his stone mouth.

DM: You watch as the potion takes effect. Stone skin fades and flesh returns.
Cissy: “This is pretty cool!”
Aliarra: (cringing)
DM: But as if time is frozen, he does not move.
Hanzo: Well that’s because he isn’t here. Have we demonstrated sufficiently what we would have done differently?
DM: The voice returns. “The path of compassion. Very interesting.”
Hanzo: Oh, we get ending 4 now…

Cissy attempts to show Aliarra YouTube videos; Aliarra yells at her to stay on target.

Cissy: Our DM went to the kitchen!
Aliarra: He can still DM from the kitchen!
DM: (from the kitchen) No I can’t.
Aliarra: DM from the kitchen!
DM: Uh, stay on target.
Cissy: Okay.

With nothing having become apparent as a new destination, they return to the cave entrance. The transcriber cheerfully refuses to transcribe a side-conversation that involves screwing.

DM: What opens before you is a large domed room. The floor, the walls, everywhere is covered in what appears to be shards of broken mirror.
Hanzo: Whoa-ho! This is where we fight the muscle guy with the monster face and the red cape.
DM: Damn it!
Aliarra: I was gonna say, this is where we fight the beholder, so when he fires his rays, the rays go everywhere…
Cissy: Oh no.
Hanzo: We can’t fight a beholder…
DM: The mysterious light that illuminates the area creates thousands of bursts of light. It’s eerily beautiful. You notice there happens to be five depressions just ahead of you in the floor.
Aliarra: And there are five of us, what a coincidence.
Hanzo: We’re gonna have to fight doppelgangers.
Aliarra: I call the Cissy doppelganger. ‘Cuz I got a lot of pent-up aggression towards the Cissy doppelganger that I’d LOVE to work out.
Hanzo: No, actually once we all five step on the plates, it’ll just be one big Drusila and we get to wail on her.
Aliarra: That’d be great too!
Aiden: Time to bake a cake!
Hanzo: Her only attack is to initiate a grapple. When you’re grappled she’s shoving cookies down your throat. “Commoner food, eh?! Commoner food?! Peasant food!” (a pause, as he realize how he’d said that) Peasant food! Lisa needs braces! Peasant food! Lisa needs braces! Welp, who wants to step on one first?
Aliarra: Let’s wait and see if the voice has any helpful crap to say.
Aiden: “Nope. Not today.”
Hanzo: Damn you, Golbez, you worthless NPC bastard!
Aiden: He can’t fight your battles for you!
Hanzo: Why not? He’s Golbez!
Aliarra: He can only do them off-camera.

Hanzo steps on a depression; nothing happens. The others move one-by-one into the depressions in turn.

DM: On the other side of the room, from the shards, arises a humanoid figure. Neither covered nor constructed from these fragments!
Aliarra: Mirror-shard golem, I don’t even know what to do with this.
Hanzo: Whatever we attack we throw at it’s just gonna throw that back at us.
Aliarra: Okay, everybody just def—oh wait, if we just defend until it dies, we all become paladins.

Everyone who has played Final Fantasy IV gets a chuckle out of this. The shard construct turns away and walks to the back of the room. Raising its hand, it summons a stone of solid crystal.

Cissy: Oh crap, he’s an earthbender.
DM: He stands up to it and takes his seat. The voice returns. “Are you prepared?”
Aliarra: We’re prepared, right? It would be kind of silly to come all this way and not be prepared.
Hanzo: As prepared as possible.
Aliarra: Anybody got any buffs to cast before we start?
Mrrshala: Our teeth and intentions are bared.
Aliarra: He’s using an evil trick. If we cast buffs, there’ll be no combat. If we don’t cast buffs, combat for days.

Aiden casts Bless. No one else has any buffs. Cissy speaks and is immediately dubbed as acceptable collateral damage. The figure raises its hands, and five mirrors arise before them.

DM: Aliarra, the frame of yours is of fine craftsmanship, gilded. One half of it seems to be covered in frost, the other is scorched in places. Mrr, your mirror is plainly-framed, but intricately carved into it are images of fish, elk, and nets.
Aliarra: Oh god, it’s the Mirror of Backstory! Wait, what would that be…
DM: Aiden, your frame is only plain on one side, and a work of art on the other. The word ‘filigreed’ drills itself into your mind.
Aiden: Oh man…
Aliarra: It’s the Mirror of Yrotskcab!
Hanzo: (gasping and sputtering) W—wha—What?!
DM: Two pairs of broken manacles and the sign of Denerim adorn the top. Hanzo, your mirror is wreathed in shadows. Black, purple, and dark green tendrils are all that holds the glass in place.
Aliarra: Aiden’s: Mrrshalan boobies, left and right.
Aiden: He already did mine. There were shackles involves.
DM: Cissy, your shorter oval frame is decorated with carvings of people screaming in terror. And mushroom clouds.
Cissy: “Sounds like fun!” Wait, that’s more Chaotic Evil. I’m neutral.
DM: You look at your reflections. You blink. A second later your reflections blink. And then they take a step back. Your mirrors dissolve, but your reflections remain.
Aiden: God damn it.
Aliarra: Set up the battle-mat…
Aiden: Mirror match, we don’t have enough duplicates for this!
Aliarra: The CR for this is insane…

In lieu of actually playing, for some reason the group engages in bonding over pop culture, specifically throwing things on the ground. They then return to setting up the battle.

Aliarra: You set up this entire match to take advantage of my trip build, didn’t you.
DM: Absolutely.

Everyone is immediately and persistently confused about which mini is who and which one is whose mirror. Aliarra calculates the CR on this battle as 12, for their seventh-level party, but notes that it’s all up to who wins initiative. They briefly debate whether the DM will actually kill them all.

DM: (looking at Aliarra) Could I possibly get an orange d20?

A very long pause.

Aliarra: NO!
DM: (laughing hysterically) I love the pause, that’s what made it.
Aliarra: How could you even ask that, you maniac.
DM: You gave it some thought. Either that or you were just that shocked.
Aliarra: How could you think I would ever agree to that?!

Aliarra threatens to swallow the d20s in question. The DM claims to have laced the cake with Ex-Lax. Aliarra points out that everyone ate the cake. The inevitable result of this is the entire group knocking each other out in a massive fight for the bathroom, leaving them all lying in a crap-filled hallway. Everyone regrets going down this path.

Aliarra: It’s going to be awkward if the battle gets joined in such a way that it’s impossible for our characters to tell who’s who.
Hanzo: Ahhh. Well, are the copies exact in every way?
DM: They are exact in every way but you do notice they have a bit of a sheen to them.
Aiden: So it’s not that hard for us to tell them apart?
DM: You don’t need, like, a Spot check. You can just notice.
Aliarra: Also, we just have, “Player 1”, “Player 2”, “Player 3”, they just have “PC”, “PC”, “PC”…
Cissy: “Wow, I never knew I was this good looking!”
Aiarra: (cringing)
Hanzo: That’s gonna penalize our initiative rolls.

Initiative is rolled. As usual for this group, the PCs somehow do amazingly. Aliarra vows to choose which Cissy lives or dies based on whose voice is nicer, or failing that, if the doppelganger is just quieter.

Aiden: If your character dies, this other person takes over as you for the rest of the game. I like the silent one better.
Aliarra: (Inferian voice) “I’m Aliarra’s doppelganger. Go figure.”
Mrrshala: Why does she sound like Inferian?
Aliarra: That’s the JOKE, Mrrshala.

Inferian is revealed to be Dr. Girlfriend. Aiden descends into madness as he discovers a robot mini which has NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE (because Hanzo bought some new minis). Aliarra acts first, and promptly slams a potion of enlarge. Mirror-Hanzo vanishes.

DM: Hanzo!
Aiden: Also poofs away!
Hanzo: Might as well, he’s probably backstabbing you, I might as well backstab other you.

The group debates tactics in the ... half-second of Hanzo’s action, and after five minutes, Hanzo elects to attack fake-Aliarra. Time clearly passes according to Dragon Ball Z rules… Fake-Aliarra has to make a DC 26 Fort save against Hanzo’s hilariously powerful poison, and does, but still takes 26 damage. Then Hanzo remembers his other poison on his other kama… which fake-Aliarra also saves against. Mrrshala strikes fake-Mrrshala with Sapphire Nightmare Blade, only for 11.

DM: You hack at your mirror-self. It’s very disturbing. Mirror-Mrrshala, knowing the tricks and trades of Aliarra, uses Emerald Razor… against Mrrshala, which is now a touch attack against you.

The DM fails to confirm a crit against Mrrshala, and everyone is glad. Mrrshala takes 11 points of damage in return. Fake!Aliarra delivers a Charging Minotaur into real!Aliarra, who rolls terribly and is shoved back to the wall in addition to taking 13 damage. Cissy zips around to take advantage of the lined-up opponents and fires off a 7d6 Sudden Empowered lightning bolt into three of them.

Aliarra: It’d hilarious if invisible you hadn’t moved.
Hanzo: Oh shit. Yeah.
Aliarra: I’m sure he had, but it’d be hilarious if he had.
Cissy: Whoa, big roll!
Hanzo: (looking at Cissy’s dice) Holy shit!
DM: Wow.

The bolt does 58 damage to each of them, amazingly respectable for a 7d6 bolt.

DM: Mirror Cissy dodges most of it. Mirror Aiden takes the full hit.
Aiden: Ha! If he has my hit points, he’s dead!
DM: And he bursts.
All: (uproarious laughter)
Aiden: (oddly proud) He didn’t do SHIT!
Cissy: “Yay, look at the pretty sparkles!”
Aliarra: AAAGH!
Hanzo: If fake Cissy hadn’t dodged out of the way, he might’ve lived. If I was the DM that’s how I would’ve interpreted it.

Mirror!Cissy steps back and returns fire with her own lightning bolt.

Aiden: Fucking shit.
Hanzo: Oh shit, yeah…
Aliarra: Hopefully Mirror Cissy does NOT roll as well as original Cissy.
Cissy: Do you need the Arcana book [The Complete Arcane] to see her spells?
DM: Uh, no.
Aliarra: It’s lightning bolt, everybody knows lightning bolt.
Cissy: No, but I mean to see what OTHER spells.
Aliarra and Aiden: It’s lightning bolt!
DM: This time she IS casting lightning bolt.
Aliarra, Aiden, and Hanzo: Sudden Empowered lightning bolt.
Hanzo: Make your saaaaave!

It’s only against Aiden and Aliarra, not more of them. Cissy realizes she doesn’t have a single melee weapon to make an attack of opportunity with. The bolt deals 44 points of damage, but both save.

Aiden: “Ah! Fuck! I hate you, Cissy! I hate you so much! Why are you here?!”
Aliarra: Aiden is a convert!
Cissy: Wait a minute. My strike blew up your dude in one hit, I just don’t understand why you hate me.
Aiden: Because if I was not here, you guys would not be taking damage. “Aaaah! My face!”
DM: Oh… next up was Mirror Aiden, we’ll just take that off the list. Aiden!
Aliarra: Go up there and beat the SHIT out of Mirror Cissy.
Aiden: I was gonna blast her, but I guess I could…
Hanzo: She’s only got 20 hit points left.
Aliarra: All right, whatever you’re doing, take a five foot fucking step to the DM.
Hanzo: Take a five foot step that way.
Aiden: (blankly moving the mini)
Aliarra: Okay. Good.
Aiden: I was gonna blast it.
Aliarra: Just don’t start blasting it when you’re in Mirror Aliarra’s threatened area. That’s my advice to you.

The group feebly looks for d8s, the rarest dice. Aiden’s searing light spell annihilates Mirror Cissy! Aliarra strikes her counterpart with her spiked gauntlet, using a maneuver to shut down her AOOs for three rounds, then uses White Raven Tactics on herself.

DM: Oh, you’re going again?
Hanzo: Ha, you jerk.
Mrrshala: Yeah, but don’t forget, anything he can do—
Aiden: I can do better!

Hanzo starts maneuvering, trying to find himself a position of advantage. This takes a while. On realizing fake!Mrrshala has taken a lot more damage than he thought, he swiftly moves over to shank.

Hanzo: Miss… miss…
Aliarra: Did you add in the +2 from flanking?
Aiden: And the +1 from Bless?
Hanzo: …one miss, one hit. So I still get the 4d6 then. (rolling) Oh come on! Almost the most pathetic damage roll ever.
DM: 1, 1, 1, 2?
Hanzo: Well, no, I did get a six out of it, but I got 1, 1, 2…

It’s still 21 points overall. Mrrshala uses Emerald Razor, to what results I’m not sure; her counterpart comes up next.

Aliarra: I like the idea where we make one really good Diplomacy check and suddenly all of our mirrors join us.
Aiden: We should have done that BEFORE we destroyed Mirror Aiden! Woo, double-team some girl!

Mirror!Mrrshala uses Sapphire Nightmare Blade on her PC counterpart. Mirror!Aliarra initiates a trip against Aliarra, who promptly rolls a natural 20 on her strength check (30 modified).

DM: She drops [her guisarme, to avoid a counter-trip], White Raven Tactics, it appears back in her hand, and Revitalizing Strike against Aiden.
Hanzo: Don’t roll a 1, you’ll attack fake!Hanzo!
DM: It hits.
Hanzo: Aww.
DM: That’s normal melee damage?
Aliarra: Yeah, 2d4+9.
Cissy: Can Aiden take that?
Aiden: At max damage? No.
DM: You’re very lucky. She just rolled two 1s. Nine damage.
Aliarra: Uh, it’s actually eleven...
DM: Oh. Yeah. Okay, Cissy, it’s your go.
Mrrshala: “Yay!”
Cissy: “Yay! You bitches are in trouble!”

Cissy casts fireburst to wax everybody close to her, then starts rolling dice.

Aliarra: I like how you moved your binder and that moved from a 1 to a 4.
Cissy: Did it really? I didn’t know it was there.
Aliarra: Yeah, it had the 1 up, but you moved your binder and it flipped over to a 4.
Cissy: I’m taking the 4.
DM: That’s allowed. It’s you physically turning it that I’m like, “Wait a minute…”
Aliarra: Oh, then here’s what I’m gonna start doing from now on. (rolling a die on a sheet of paper) Oh, it was only an 11? (yanking the sheet of paper out from beneath the die, which promptly rolls over to a natural 1) Awww.

Aliarra continues to attempt this technique, consistently managing to make her rolls worse, while the DM counts up damage. Aiden heals himself. Aliarra shuffles her cards for Crusader powers.

Aliarra: Shuffle… What powers does Skeldric grant me?
Aiden: Did you just shuffle three cards, throw the three cards down, then pick the three cards back up?!
Aliarra: Five! Five!
Aiden: That’s all I saw was you, “What powers do I get? I’ll look at the cards again!” (collapsing into hystrerics)
Hanzo: Skeldric, a very predicable god.

Aliarra rolls a natural 1 on a touch attack, and is bitterly disgusted.

Aliarra: I embarrassed myself, that was my action. “I meant to do that.”

Mirror Hanzo attempts to stab Aiden again. Aliarra hands him 4d6.

Aiden: What?
Aliarra: You’re getting stabbed from behind again, you’re gonna need these.
Aiden: Why?
Mrrshala: Because Mirror!Hanzo is stabbing you.
Aiden: WHY DO I NEED – I HAVE – this is for my heal! This doesn’t help me save anything! So why is this here?!
Aliarra: You’ll be asking for them in a moment, but okay.
Hanzo: Reroll…
Aiden: (suddenly very enthusiastic) Yeah! Even better! Level seven, what can I make for level seven…SUMMONING BUILD!

Aiden starts rolling a new character, while Hanzo complains bitterly that no one had warned him ninjas were horrible. Aiden demands they summon Drusila so an all-night discussion on character tiers can ensue, as it did once before. Aiden takes 28 points of damage from both attacks, leaving Aiden at one hit point with a DC 26 save to make.

Aiden: Yeah, I rolled a 1.
Hanzo: I don’t see a 1. I see a 13…
Aiden: (pointing to the tens digit) See that, that’s a one. Whatever it is, it hit me.
Hanzo: Okay, roll 3d6…This is probably not going to kill you.
Aiden: It’s CON DAMAGE!
Hanzo: No, it’s not!
Aiden: Six.
Hanzo: Subtract that from your strength.
Aiden: That’s just as bad!
DM: All right. Hanzo?
Hanzo: Oy.
Aliarra: Do you feel shame at seeing what your counterpart has done?
Mrrshala: No!
Hanzo: No, I wish I was as effective as my counterpart.
Aliarra: Are you appalled by the evil your poisons have wrought?
Hanzo: No. I’m appalled by the brokenitude of—
Aiden: I’m appalled by how long it takes you guys to kill her! Do more damage! Like, your 28 damage heal – have they done 28 damage yet? No!
Hanzo: Well fake me has his full poison stock, and is choosing his targets more wise—wait, I don’t have another you to go after, ‘cuz we destroyed it!

Hanzo slaughters Mirror!Mrrshala, leaving regular Mrrshala to act.

Aiden: “Hanzo, if I live through this, we’re never talking again?”
Mrrshala: Where’s fake!Aliarra?
Hanzo: “Because we were such good buddies already.”
Aiden: “I didn’t say we were friends, I’m saying we’re a step less than we were before.”
Hanzo: “Oh. Well, if I’d have a fake you to kill, I would’ve gone after him.”
Aiden: “Your thought is… uplifting.”
Hanzo: “Whaddya want me to do, jump over there and take thrusts for you?”
Aiden: “You’re damn right.”
Hanzo: “It’s not my fault that real!Aliarra isn’t doing anything to defend you. Take your rage out on her.”
Aliarra: (noting Mrrshala’s movement path) I believe she still has no attacks of opportunity, it’s only been like two rounds, so you can walk right through her threatened area. If I know anything about Aliarra that will drive her CRAZY with rage.
Aiden: What’d you do, did you heal me?
Mrrshala: I can’t heal you. I’m in fake!Aliarra’s face so she’ll hit me and not you.
Aiden: Oh, I’m not worried about her. At all.
Mrrshala: Ruby Nightmare Blade on fake!Aliarra. The Concentration check is a 28…. 20 points of damage.

A discussion on reasonable ACs and hittable targets leads into a plan for character smackdowns, with the title card match being Wes vs. Barack. Everyone gleefully plans for this, despite the fact that it will never happen.

Hanzo: This combat is so pitched. And we’re hating on ourselves! Fake!us is doing well, then real!us is doing well…
Aliarra: We hate ourselves now. I’m going to go build a crappy-ass character.
DM: A trip on Cissy…
Hanzo: Oh, Cissy goes down!
Cissy: Oh shit, I’m being attacked?!
Aliarra: God damn it, mirror!me is living out my fantasies!
DM: Touch attack hits, so we’re going to do opposed Strength rolls…
Aliarra: Oh god, you’re fucked. You cannot win.
Hanzo: Roll a 20.
Aliarra: Aliarra has a +12 to the roll.
Aiden: She could roll a 1.
Aliarra: No… she has a +17 to the roll.
Aiden: SHE COULD ROLL A 1. Just roll!
Cissy: 19.
Hanzo: Modified 20!
DM: 36.
Hanzo: Oh!
Aiden: Yeah, that was less. That was less.
DM: You are prone on the ground.
Cissy: “OWWW SON OF A BITCH!”
Aliarra: (cringes)
Aiden: “Die!” “Wait, you’re the good one.” I am too dazed to figure out which is the real one and which is the fake one.
DM: Max damage!
Aliarra: At least it wasn’t a crit…?

The group abruptly remembers Cissy activated her mithril mist shirt some time ago, and the DM rolls for miss chance for the second attack – which fails, saving Cissy 17 points of damage.

DM: White Raven Tactics…
Hanzo: (pained moans)
DM: 14 damage from that hit… and the second attack…
Aliarra: By the way, if she crits, you’re dead instantly, I should warn you.
Cissy: Wha?
Aliarra: Guisarmes are x3.
Hanzo: Oooh. That’s why you carry it.
Aliarra: No, I carry it because it’s a trip weapon.
Aiden: That’s a bonus.
DM: 13. Cissy, it’s your go.

Cissy stands up without penalty, since Mirror!Aliarra still has no AOOs… then casts in melee without getting an AOO. Scorching Ray deals 23, then 22 damage.

Cissy: 45 total. Still standing?
DM: Mmhmm.
Cissy: (really pained expression)

Aiden ponders whether he should attack or heal, rambling on about Spontaneous Domain Casting and the availability of heals for a while. He ends up unloading his own Scorching Ray, dropping fake!Aliarra.

Hanzo: Hanzo, if he’s smart, fake one, will just disappear and not reappear.
Aliarra: Let’s see here. I’ll just burn BATTLE LEADER’S CHARGE! AAAAAAAAH!
Hanzo: Why are you… charging into… Cissy?
Aliarra: I’m not…
Hanzo: “BATTLE LEADER’S CHAAAARGE!” I move five feet.

Aliarra misses, somehow, then uses White Raven Tactics to whack fake!Hanzo but good. Weird video game music interrupts the game, though I don’t remember the context. Mirror!Hanzo moves into position to hit Aiden, who promptly starts rolling up a new character. He takes 9 points of damage, dropping him to -8. Hanzo adjusts to return fire and promptly crits on a sneak attack

Aliarra: Right in the vitals. He just snuck in and lightly incised out a kidney.
Hanzo: Well I do know exactly where to hit myself.
Cissy: It’s a good thing you’ve got two of them.

It somehow turns into ripping people’s hearts out, Temple of Doom style. The damage is enough to finish the mirror duplicate.

DM: And as your head flies through the air it bursts, and then the body falls.
Cissy: The head exploded in midair?! That’s badass, dude.
Hanzo: Argh, powdered glass in my face.
Aliarra: I’ll just hustle over and jam a cure light wounds potion down Aiden’s throat. Vial and all. Strength check!
Hanzo: That’s assuming we’re out of combat.
Aliarra: Well if we’re not, I’m sure the DM will tell me “wait for your initiative roll”. Jackass.
Hanzo: White Raven Tactics?
Aiden: Shove it in so hard it shatters in my throat, doing another two points of damage. Finishing me off.
Aliarra: Which takes effect first? The healing potion or the glass damage?
Aiden: Probably the glass damage.
Aliarra: (Inferian voice) “Why am I talking like this now? Oh shiiiiiit.”
Aiden: This is the secret origins. I changed my name…
DM: Holding his action for four rounds, please move the gentleman on the chair next to Aiden.
Hanzo: He’s gonna resurrect you.
Aiden: I’m not DEAD yet.
DM: He kneels down, lays a hand upon your chest –
Aliarra: Takes your heart.
DM: And then leaves. “So long, shitlords!”
Aiden: I say we just put all the stuff on him. Make him wear the gloves…
DM: Lays a hand on your chest. You feel the holy energies enter your body. You are raised to full hit points. Your Strength damage is gone.
Cissy: Crap, he gets full health and the rest of us are stuck limping along?
Hanzo: Hey, he took it for all of us this fight.
Mrrshala: Yeah, he really did.
Hanzo: He practically martyred himself. And it was mostly at the hands of fake me!
Aliarra: Don’t celebrate! He’s one of those charitable bosses that heals you and then demands you fight him!
DM: “Meet me at FULL STRENGTH.” Please move the figure back to his chair.
Hanzoi: (to Aiden, who has been trying to attack him for some time, claiming ‘confusion’) “I’m sorry. I’ll stab you from the front from now on.”
Aliarra: Now guys, I would like you to all take a moment and reflect on what would happen if their initiative rolls had been universally better than ours.
Aiden: God--!
Hanzo: So what you’re saying is, instead of us kicking our own asses we would have kicked our own asses instead.
Aiden: I would’ve been on the ground from the beginning! I would’ve been able to go to the toilet.
Cissy: “Oh whee, this was fun, let’s do it again!”
DM: “So be it.”
Aiden: Piledriver!
Aliarra: Welp, I’m not limited in spells, how’re you doing? What are we doing, farming?

The players decompress after tense combat by trying to figure out how they could game the encounter, video-game style, to get more experience, primarily by using spells that don’t exist in D&D. The figure finally speaks.

DM: “Your intentions are different from the others who walked here.”
Aliarra: In that we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing with these artifacts we’re getting. Oh. Oh my god. It’s a giant Mirror of Erised thing. We can’t actually want to do anything with the artifacts, we just wanted to find them. Shit! Shit! Fuck! (collapses into whimpering)
Aiden: Why ARE we gathering – we just don’t want them to have it. That’s our plan.
Aliarra: (whimpering) We want to find them, we don’t wanna use them, that’s why we’re allowed to get them… This is why it’s all mirrors! THIS IS WHY IT’S ALL MIRRORS! (collapsing again)
Hanzo: …how did you just give yourself a breakdown?
Aiden: The DM’s over there going, “Man, this story he’s spreading is great for me, I’ve just got to take it.”
Aliarra: I look at the guy and see my family!
Aiden: That’s what confusing me about this game and another game – we’re both gathering objects, half the time I have to remember which game we’re playing. “Wait, do I have the gloves in this one? “ What are we gathering?
Aliarra: We’re here for the brain. The book. Aaaah, this was all a setup by Dumbledore to give us a chance to prove ourselves!
Aiden: We wake up. “You are ready to go on your journey for the first object.” “Gh-hjha—WHAT?!”

The mirror coating coalesces into a giant (disco) ball, leaving behind a more normal room and the figure, which is an energy being of some sorts.

Cissy: Is he going to attack us?
Aliarra: Quirrell?!
Hanzo: He’s revealed his true nature, let’s see what he has to say for us.
Aliarra: No one suspected p-p-poor t-t-trial of th-thorens.
DM: “Why do you want my knowledge?”

A pause.

Aliarra: “We are seeking to keep it from others who wish to use it for more evil purpose.”
DM: “My son.”

A very long pause.

Aliarra: (abruptly exploding) What’s the stinger?!
Hanzo: Stinger?
Aliarra: Dun, dun, dun-dun-dunana!
Hanzo: It’s gone.
Aliarra: THE ONE TIME IT WOULD HAVE BEEN APPROPRIATE, MAN!
Aiden: Are we talking to Karoth himself?
Aliarra: …Karoth?
Mrrshala: Kalroth?
Aiden: No. Karoth.
DM: “My son Drek’thelar tried to take it from me once before.”
Aiden: “Oh.”
DM: “It is why I have fractured myself. I can see in your minds that the heart is gone. Where is it?”
Aliarra: “If we knew that, we would be trying to get it back.”
Hanzo: Who… who took it? I forget.
Aliarra: OBEY!

They quickly refresh that Carrick, controlled gave the heart to either Drek’thelar or a servant thereof. It wasn’t clear. Either way, Drek’thelar surely has it now.

Aiden: It’s on the black market.
Aliarra: Oh who put this up on the Auction House?!
Hanzo: It’s Bind-on-Pickup!

The group vows to the Mind of Kalroth that they will ensure that as few artifacts will fall into the enemy hands as possible. Aiden insists they ask that the items be made less evil so he can use the gloves. The Mind reveals that it will lose much power if it leaves the elven nation.

DM: “If you take me away from here, I can give you a few cryptic messages in a book.
Aliarra: Don’t we already have a book that gives us cryptic messages?
Aiden: I don’t know! I don’t remember which game we have a book in!
Aliarra: No, we had a diary that gave us… actually, fairly clear messages for a change.
Hanzo: Clear? Was it Tom Riddle’s journal?
DM: The guy who hid all the artifacts.
Aliarra: It gave us useful information, just not much context.
Aiden: Damn, I forgot to do my laundry today, I’ll have to do it tomorrow.
Aliarra: ..Aiden lapses into odd concerns.
DM: “A word of warning: if they can tap the heart, you will have to deal with the Izhual, my servants. “
Aliarra: “Ah yes, the diary mentioned that.”
Hanzo: “The.. izhual?”
DM: “Beings of magical essence. They were my servants, back in the day.”
Aliarra: “Well, while we have you here and coherent, perhaps you can give us some pointers on dealing with them.”
Hanzo: When all else fails use fire!
DM: “In all honesty, no mortal’s ever hurt one.”
Aliarra: “Then it pleases us to be the first.”
DM: “I can say that they represent a school of magic each, and they are the pure essence of that magic.”
Hanzo: “Oof. Necromancy’s gonna be a bitch.”
Aliarra: “I was thinking evocation. The only one we don’t need to fear is Divination.”
Hanzo: “It’ll scry the hell out of us!”
Aliarra: “I’ve seen the future, you will kick my – awwww.”
Hanzo: Fortitude save!
DM: Oh man! I’m not going to, but I could make it like the Clock King. “I know it takes you exactly 2.4 seconds to throw a punch. I just have to dodge it in 2.3!”
Aliarra: Doesn’t mean you can do it!
Cissy: We’ve had this talk! Just because you know he throws a punch in .4 seconds doesn’t mean you can move that fast!
Mrrshala: The Divination one is like Murozond. “Now the loop is finished!”
Aliarra: He’s the one we don’t care about. He’s just the unloved, shamed one. Maybe we can get him to join us. “Your brothers don’t love you. No one loves you! But if you join with us you can get respect!”
DM: I don’t think it’s going to be quite that easy…
Aliarra: I don’t know, it depend son how badly the rest of them picked on him. Nine schools of magic. Eight players! You can’t have five on a team and four on another team, so guess which one never gets picked? Divination!
DM: (reluctantly) Hmmm… true that…
Aiden: Did you offer, like, Cissy’s body for him to move around in?
Aliarra: I’m afraid speaking in that voice would offend him.
Cissy: He would, but he was SO IMPRESSED by the AWESOME POWER she threw around in that battle!

Well ahead of time, the players start discussing the horrible possibilities of these fights. The Mind confirms that the creatures have no known weaknesses. They have few parts left.

Aliarra: It’s kind of weird that they took the eyes out of his head. It’s a good thing they didn’t get MORE specific.
Hanzo: Toenail of Kalroth!
Aliarra: You must find the Heart of Kalroth. The Eye of Kalroth.
Aiden: The elbows!
Aliarra: The Tongue of Kalroth. The Liver of Kalroth. The Spleen – the Liver of Kalroth is with the dwarves, we know that much! They run their beer through it! The Appendix of Kalroth!
Hanzo: The Nostril of Kalroth!

The group asks of the Mind if the rest of the body parts can be used to counter the heart at all; the Mind suggests it is possible, but a reunion of the parts seems inevitable. Aliarra finally asks if the items insanity-inspiring nature can be suppressed.

Aliarra: There. Ya happy?
Aiden: Good! We can use these items! There’s no telling what other awesome powers they have!
Hanzo: Well, there is telling. We can just ask him!
DM: “Perhaps when they are all together, it will stop.”
Aiden: Oh. We gotta wait.
Aliarra: Yeah, I pretty much expected that to be the answer. You can’t use these, it’d be cool! Can’t have that!
Aiden: The gloves were pretty crappy—
Aliarra: That didn’t stop you from wanting them! You were lusting to cast 0th level spells!
Aiden: I was trying to be in-person. It was an addiction.
DM: Let me put this in Diablo 2 terms, they’re part of a set.
Aliarra: But that’s useless! That means we can’t split them up, only one of us can use them! That sucks!
Aiden: They’re all meant for casters. Except for the wall-clinging one, I don’t know how that could be useful.
Aliarra: And the armor. How’s that gonna be useful for a caster?
Aiden: It could be Armor of Awesome… Doesn’t Fuck Up Your Spells?

A long rambling discussion about the children of Kalroth leads into casting virtually everything imaginable as a Robot Master. Aliarra finally asks the Mind if it thinks they should know anything.

Aliarra: Toss it back in the DM’s lap! Let’s see what HE thinks we should be asking!
DM: “I am not Kalroth in form, please understand that. I am his essence.”
Hanzo: “Will you entrust us with his essence, then?”
Aliarra: Welcome to our stinky backpack!

The essence of Kalroth stands, as the Trial of Thorns unravels around it. After a spectacular show, hanging in midair is a old dusty tome... ten feet up.

Aliarra: (making reaching motions) God damn it, Kalroth, you dick!
DM: It floats down.
Aiden: Guisarme!
Hanzo: “You stabbed the book.”
Aliarra: “One of the seven Horcruxes is down.”
Aiden: The only thing that can destroy a Horcrux is a basilisk!
Cissy: I took the book and I threw it on the ground.
Hanzo: No, Dumbledore destroyed one without a basilisk fang, right?
Aliarra: With the Sword of Gryffindor!
Aiden: And the only reason the Sword of Gryffindor could do it was because it absorbed the properties of the basilisk when it stabbed it.
Aliarra: However, we have Cissy, and I’m sure she can use Fiendfyre. (a pause) Slaying the elven nation in the process.
Cissy: “Yaaaaaaaaay!”
Hanzo: To make an omelet… Waste not want not!
Aliarra: Can’t make an omelet without burning a few hundred thousand elves.
Hanzo: “Like they were doing us any good.”
Cissy: “I never liked those bitches from arcane school anyway!”
Hanzo: “Hey, I’m okay with genocide because I use POISON.”

Hanzo is reminded of his threats to poison the entire minotaur village. He immediately switches his characterization to ‘Kefka’. The DM encourages Aiden to grab the tempting book, at which point Aliarra immediately grabs it.

Hanzo: Welcome to our smelly backpack.
Aliarra: Man, the essence of Kalroth is gonna have mental scars like crazy once we put it all together.
Cissy: (plays the Imperial March)
Aliarra: I don’t like the essence of Kalroth’s mental scars, now!
Mrrshala: “Taking this book has left me scarred and deformed…”
Aliarra: We get to the end, Kalroth is reunited by the bad guys, he’s lightninging us… “So be it. HEROES.” Suddenly Drek’thelar – “NOOOOO!”
DM: (slow clapping)
Aiden: Why you gotta do slow claps? That always brings me back to my campaign. I can’t use it any more. I enjoy the slow clapping, but you assholes won’t let me use it.
DM: Behind you is the twin elves from the beginning of the gauntlet.

The two guardians assure them that there ought to be no repercussions from their victory, and the elven nation will return to its older ways.

DM: “The king may be surprised, but hostile? Not particularly.”
Aliarra: “Ah ha, you did wonderful, off with your heads.”
Hanzo: He’s very genial about it.
Cissy: “I’m impressed, now die.”
Aliarra: “Oompa loompa doopedy doo. I’ve got another puzzle for you… What happens when you survive the gauntlet? You deserve death, execution you get! What do you get when you dick over elves? You really brought this on. Your. Selves.”

The twins accompany them back to the palace, with the party predicting their murder the entire trip back. The DM cheerfully rolls ‘severe weather’ on the percentile dice, just because he can. The twins offer to take them back to the king before they return, which they agree to do out of politic necessity.

DM: And there he is, up on his natural throne, staring down at you with his angular features.
Aiden: I thought you said ‘angry’ features.
Cissy: “HI KING!”
Hanzo: His angry features.
DM: “You have returned. Victorious, it seems.”
Aliarra: “Just so.”
DM: “This is definitely a time of first times for everything. Mortals entered and mortals succeeded. I never thought I’d live to see the day.”
Aliarra: “It is a new, different, and in many ways disturbing world, your majesty. All we can hope is that we can make it a better one in the end.”
DM: “I’d hope to see my son run the Gauntlet someday, but I know it was necessary to do what you did.”

Cissy vows to install a new Gauntlet; Hanzo suggests the Trial of Slapping Hands. The group warns the king of the return of the Izhual, which he finds disturbing. They are dismissed, and return to the portal!

Aliarra: “Welcome back! Now you must go find the Horadric Cube! It will transmute these artifacts into the true Body of Kalroth!”
Cissy: Is that Wirt’s leg?
DM: Denelos awaits you on the other side, pipe in mouth. “Welcome back!”
Aliarra: We’re here for our experience and treasure.
Cissy: “Hey Archmage!”
Aliarra: Chapter end.
DM: Rank… D.
Aliarra: What?! What’d we do wrong?! I check the strategy guide… on the Internet.
Aiden: I found the strategy guide to this DM’s game. I already know what’s coming up next.

The DM settles in to calculate XP and loot! The players, meanwhile, discuss hypotheticals and theoretical about the mirror match, grateful for their survival. The DM reveals that the option he expected them to take was to claim the heart.

Aiden: WE COULD HAVE TAKEN THE HEART?! WE COULD HAVE TAKEN IT BACK! WE COULD’VE UNDONE THAT SHIT!
Hanzo: No, he was asking what we could have done differently.
Aiden: Yeah, we would’ve not lost the heart!
Hanzo: That wasn’t really in our hands, was it? We would’ve tried harder?

The Mage’s Tower kindly gives them apartments – and immediately after they rest a night, a chest of loot! 200 platinum, 6500 gold, gauntlets of ogre power, a scroll of heal, a wyrmfang amulet, and banded mail +1. And with loot distributed, so ends the game!