DM: With the minor disciplinary matters out of the way, you guys all decided—
Tywin: Heh heh heh. Minor matters that took an hour to resolve.
DM: Hey, roleplay, it’s good. You all decided to wait, do as you were requested, wait and see how the battle turned out before you made a decision, and, the battle was going to be on the morrow.
Thanatos: Before this battle I’d like to requisition two flasks of alchemist’s fire for everyone in the party.
Tywin: I thought we were just watching it.

This being a Birthright campaign, the group breaks out the war map and the battle cards. The commander tells the players that a commander of the Spider’s forces lurks in the back lines. Its form is uncertain but it can surely communicate with the spiders.

Lance: All he’s doing is using a loudspeaker, and speaking in secret spider language.
Thanatos: Here’s what we’ll do. We’re gonna attack the lead spider with a homing beacon, all right, and we’re gonna let him escape.
Tywin: Well, he went back to the Spiderfell. Just like we thought.
Thanatos: Crap!

Tywin cheerfully proposes they throw away the entire army as a diversion; the commander counterproposes that the PCs flank him.

Lance: “The map doesn’t allow that.”
Hjalmar: (miming slapping the commander around) Stop making sense!
Tywin: “I’ve got another idea, captain, how about we wait for another HURRICANE? Let that wipe the spiders out!”
Lance: Yeah, just anger your god some more.
Tywin: “Hey Cuiracaen!” Ass up. “Ever see one of these?!”
DM: “Ah, that’s mighty fine. I’ll see you in your religions quests later tonight…”
Tywin: Cuiracaen never spoke before…

Lance attempts to roll damage for Tywin’s smiting, scoops up a handful of d6s, then rolls incredibly poorly. Tywin openly declares the campaign incapable of living up to the first Birthright game. Somehow, Lance starts ranting about Iglar; how he got there from here is a path sane minds would quail to take. Battle cards are distributed. The commander gives them the spoils of battle taken from previous skirmishes, some of which had been against humanoid foes.

DM: So saying, he brings out a box of fine craftsmanship.’
Tywin: Ah. We sure will be able to use this box on the field of battle.
Thanatos: This is what we put all the spiders in that we kill. What’s in the box?
DM: Opening the box—
Lance: You find the head of a middle-aged female. And the head of a small baby.
Maevreen: There’s somebody’s junk in the box.
Tywin: And Hitler.
DM: You find a pile of gold!
Lance: Twenty pieces.
Tywin: Twenty silver. 2.5 platinum.
DM: 370 gold,

Confusion over paying the alchemist suddenly erupts. The chest also has some scones, or if you were actually listening to the DM, stones. Or Lucky Charms. There’s also a bulging sack full of sticky goo – Thanatos cheerfully inserts his own joke here. (His pants.) Also a potion, a birch wand, and a small tin of black powder. Thanatos passes off most of this to Hjalmar, pausing on the potion.

Thanatos: You should drink it, tell us what it is. You died once, this shouldn’t be a new surprise.
Hjalmar: “I will take it home with us, and I will identify it by magical means.”
Tywin: “Instead of dying.” It’s a Vial of Killing Hjalmar, that’s what it is.

As the loot is distributed, the DM tells them to choose which unit to accompany, threatening them with a boat adventure no matter what they choose.

Tywin: And we start with our boat in the woods. How did we get it up here?!
DM: That’s the mystery you have to solve, or they’ll blame you!

Thanatos demands to know what’s with the unicorn with the wings. (For the record, it was Princess Celestia.) Lance and Thanatos propose to use exploits to farm the battle for experience by causing enemy respawn. The players begin setting up the battle on the war map.

DM: As the evening is coming up, the commander comes up to you. “Sire, what shall it be? Shall we attack or defend?”
Thanatos: “Attack!”
Tywin: “Cuiracaen demands it.” Anything bad we do I’ll just blame on Cuiracaen from now on.
DM: “That will allow us to control what time we engage. What shall we expect of your own efforts, sire?”

It immediately develops into map orientation snark. The DM starts adding cards to the NPC stack of units. Thanatos decides to attack just before midday.

Tywin: And the troops that don’t survive, we won’t have to feed lunch!

They further elect to make their move in the middle of the battle, attaching themselves to a unit on the right flank, then splitting off in the midst of the combat.

DM: The commander salutes you and says, “Permission to speak freely, sir.”
Thanatos: “Sure.”
Lance: “That is the worst fucking idea ever, sir.”
Thanatos: (darkly) “WHAT.”
DM: (voice up an octave) “N-nothing!”
Thanatos: “Yes.”
DM: “Mind that you don’t expend all your strength in the battle, sire.”
Hjalmar: “Magic Missile, Magic Missile, I’m done.”

Realizing that he has abruptly stumbled into issues of morale, Thanatos sits up a little in alarm.

Thanatos: If we’re rolling with the actual troops, we’re going to be in the middle of the fighting too, right?
DM: Hell yeah! Unless you keep your guys out of the fight deliberately. And then what will people say?
Lance: “He’s a coward! He’s a wimp! He goes punishing that poor woman who was doing all that stuff and he’s hiding in the battle!”
Thanatos: Wait a minute, don’t we all have simple clothes, can’t we all disguise ourselves?
Lance: They’re gonna know it’s you!
DM: They’ll think you’re deserting in the middle of battle.
Hjalmar: “Sire, why are you changing your clothes in the middle of the fight?’
Thanatos: “Keep your eyes on the prize, men!”
Tywin: Take your circlet off, put it on one of the pikemen. “Hey, you’re the king!”

Tywin and Lance apparently make out in the background, as near as I can interpret the audio. The DM lines up the Spiderfell’s forces on the opposite side of the field, as the players reminisce about the many uses of spiders in previous encounters. A lot of explanation and discussion of the rules of war cards ensues, the retelling of which is unnecessary to the players and tedious to other readers. Thanatos begins laying down their own forces in array.

DM: Midday is shortly to come, and as it is, your commander gives the cry. “FOR DIEMED! MOVE OUT!”
Maevreen: “FOR PONY!”
DM: And the attack begins.
Lance: I’m so happy [Barack]’s commanders never did that. “FOR HOPE’S DEMISE!” That was what the land was called, it was a swampy land called Hope’s Demise. (suddenly realizing someone had turned on music for the fight) There’s Jedi on the field?!
Hjalmar: Oh shit. We are so screwed.
DM: Darth Spider. He’s walking on two legs and wielding a lightsaber in the other six.

The attackers, that is, the players, move first, after which the spiders respond, jockeying for position and control of the midfield. The PC’s unit comes under fire from archers; one unit accomplishes nothing but falling back, but the webs and venom of the other manage to cause damage despite their massive defenses. The PCs themselves are not caught and take no personal harm.

Tywin: (to Lance) You’re playing frickin’ One-Winged Angel on your lute.

Thanatos irritably demands to know what the alchemist’s fire is doing, if anything, in the battle. Knight and pikeman burst into conflict, striking wounds amongst each other in a furious exchange of blows. Archers fire on a group of spiders ineffectually, as the vermin burst into a line of infantry. The infantry promptly put those spiders to the sword. Thanatos furiously orders his archers to fire into a melee, routing a group of spiders but also cutting a swath through his own pikemen.

Thanatos: Fucking alchemist’s fire! What a waste of my money! I want that bitch’s head on a platter!
Tywin: It’s not too late. It’s not too late!
DM: All right, you fling your shit.

The players continue to complain about the alchemist’s fire, then realize their penalty for tormenting the DM is probably going to be some horrible fire tornado or the like. They continue to debate tactics.

Thanatos: You’re talking to a guy who conquered the world last night in Risk! I know what I’m talking about!
Tywin: By the way, as interesting and fruitful as an experience as I’m sure this will be for me, never again. Not doing clerics again.
Lance: It’s only just stated. You’ve been a level one cleric all of two minutes.
Tywin: I have a feeling that at level 10 I’m still not going to feel any better about the class. Not that I don’t like it, it’s just not for me.
Lance: You’re playing a cleric way differently than I have. I like it better—
Tywin: And I need to not do that, but I can’t help it, I’m following my instincts and my instinct is poor for this class…

Tywin complains bitterly about Cuiracaen, despite his OOC knowledge that the hurricane was pure random chance. It wanders off into old reminiscences of old Birthright games, combined with torture in Game of Thrones, which ought to be enlightening as to how they view rulership. The movement phase of battle rolls around again.

Tywin: Two units of pikemen square off, trying to charge each other and failing, since neither can be charged!
Thanatos: Roll Jump!

A volley of arrow soars at a unit of archers, but fails; in payback, a unit of spiders is completely annihilated by a volley of missiles. The armies of Diemed continue to dominate the melee, though one of their units is shattered and dispersed in the ensuing flurry of blows.

DM: You split from your unit, who fortunately knew of this plan and don’t shriek “COWARDS!” at you as you retreat.
Tywin: We turn and CHARGE!
DM: Moving out of the lines, the forest you see ahead of you, perhaps a few hundred yards…
Tywin: ”We’ll never make it.”
Lance: “It’s too far!”
DM: Do you advance at a charge, a gallop, or a cautious speed?
Lance: Pooping speed.
Tywin: A gallop.
Lance: We should trot proudly into the forest.
Tywin: Prance! We prance.
Thanatos: We advance at a gallop.
DM: Spurring your horses, you bolt forward towards the forest, realizing immediately as you get closer that of course you’re not gonna be able to ride your horses into it at speed. The ominous forest looms ahead of you.
Thanatos: I hobble the horses.
DM: Roll your attack!
Tywin: Oh, that’s a possible crit on my horse! YES! I crit to hobble my horse!
DM: Mr. Ed is now Mr. Dead. “Wiiiilbur – I mean Tywin, why-y-y?”
Tywin: Because you’re a goat, that’s why.
DM: “I am making you a weapon!”
Tywin: I have Lance now.
DM: Roll to mount Lance.
Tywin: Is that an attack roll>
DM: (to Lance) Well, are you resisting…?
Tywin: I’m not mounting everything.
DM: You guys are in the forest. You leave your horses at the edge?
Tywin: They’ll be devoured by the retreating spiders.
Hjalmar: “Huh, where are the horses, there’s just cocoons left.”
DM: The forest is unnaturally dark, even though just a dozen feet behind you, you can see the bright midday sun. The bright midday post-hurricane sun. You can hear the scuttle and scurry all around you as creatures are disturbed by your presence.
Hjalmar: (creeped-out shiver)
DM: Your eyes begin to acclimatize to the darkness. You realize that around you, you’re not seeing trees, undergrowth, leaves. You’re seeing spiders. Countless tiny spiders on every surface. Clinging to the trees, to the bushes, they seem to be paying you no notice even as you crush several of them underfoot.
Lance: What are these, the Borg? They don’t notice until we’re a threat?
Tywin: Not until the Spider tells them they can go ahead and feast.
Lance: Time to start the forest fire.
DM: No. That will definitely probably turn them against us. If we start uncorking it now…

The group elects to advance quietly, and promptly roll numerous poor untrained Move Silently checks. Thanatos claims to roll a 1 just for comedy value. In fact, the rolls weren’t all so cripplingly terrible as to broadcast their actions. Onwards they stalk, cautiously cutting through impeding webs.

Tywin: What the hell do they catch in here?
Lance: Monkeys.

Abruptly, something ambushes them! Thanatos, in the lead, is bitten by one on the scalp for seven points of damage and two Fortitude saving throws!

Thanatos: 6 on one, 21 on the other!
DM: Paralysis sinks into your body. Those of you directly behind him can immediately see Thanatos go completely rigid as one of the figures bites into him!
Tywin: Petrificus totalus!

The DM calls for initiative. Tywin and Maevreen immediately roll natural 20s. Maevreen steps forward to try to hurl the thing with a maneuver, pitching it ten feet away. Tywin hurriedly cures Thanatos. Lance draws his rapier to strike the one Maevreen dropped, dealing five to it. It immediately stands up; Lance whiffs on the attack of opportunity.

DM: It attempts to bite you!
Lance: Ah ha! But I use my powers!
DM: Political powers!

Lance takes 2 points of damage, and laughs off the two saving throws. The DM, sick of them believing they’re fighting spiders, tells them explicitly they’re fighting ghouls. One of them attacks Tywin with a claw/claw/bite, but misses everything. Hjalmar hurls an acid splash for all of two damage. Maevreen hits it for I’m not entirely sure how much; the DM describes the wound as ‘oozing ichor’, which inexplicably amuses the players. Tywin takes a swing and misses; Lance moves up to attack.

DM: (dramatic and horribly incorrect demonstration of Lance swinging his rapier)
Lance: Wow, I’m using a rapier badly.
DM: Actually I was thinking of a falchion when I made that gesture, incorrectly attributing it to a rapier. So it was a very nerdy mistake. You thrust your rapier straight through its chest, then push it away casually with the heel of your other hand as it as it drops lifelessly to the ground not that it had life before but now it doesn’t have motion either! Thanatos, you do this: (adopts a motionless, paralyzed expression)
Thanatos: (froths)

Maevreen is bitten, but is immune to ghoul paralysis as an elf, and laughs off the save.

Hjalmar: I don’t want to waste any more spells, so let’s whack it with my quarterstaff.
DM: Hjalmar, like any foolish wizard, steps forward, exposing himself to unnecessary bodily harm. Roll your attack!
Tywin: Ooh, fleshy clothy.
Hjalmar: (picks up a die)
Tywin: 20.
Hjalmar: (rolls)
Tywin: (dissolves into furious laughter)
DM: Oh, if only they could be crit.
Tywin: It’s definitely a hit.
Hjalmar: 3 points of damage.
DM: You beat it till it stops moving.
Tywin: You just killed him. Foolish attack indeed!
DM: Thanatos, after a short period of time, you find yourself able to move again. Your comrades defeated this without any help from you, how does that make you feel?
Thanatos: I WANNA GO TO DISNEYLAND!
DM: The genie of the forest grants your wish and you disappear, leaving your comrades behind.
Hjalmar: Meanwhile, at Space Mountain: “Wheeeeee!”

Suddenly, Thanatos realizes he should have 10 hit points extra by virtue of being a regent, and nearly bursts a vein realizing how very different the hurricane encounter would have played out. The party ventures on, finding some sort of path that leads deeper in, though they also have an option of staying near the forest edge.

Tywin: “Cuiracaen, give us a sign!” He can pull his own weight once in a while.
DM: Hurricane!

The tarrasque gets into a fight with the friendly giant from earlier, for reasons that can only charitably be described as “unclear”. They elect to go deeper into the forest, putting Maevreen in the front and establishing a marching order.

Lance: The reason we’d put [Tywin] in the back is because if we get back-attacked he can actually take a couple of hits, while if we put [Hjalmar] in the back, some spider comes up, we just lose the wizard, no one would even know it. “Roll Listen checks, no one heard the wizard scream.”
Hjalmar: I do have a lot of hit points for a wizard…

Hjalmar abruptly loses two hit points at the DM reminds him they’d junked the really awful “+3 hit points” version of Toughness for a “+1/level” version. Still awful but at least it scales a little. Tywin vows to never play a cleric (or a monk) again; Lance advises him to play an evil cleric. The group continues down the ominously clear path. Hjalmar, in the back, makes an amazingly good Fort save.

DM: The first sign you have of trouble is when a pair of humungous pincers snaps shut on your neck, dealing three points of damage to you, and injecting you with venom. But you’ve already tasted of death once, so apparently it’s not very impressive.
Thanatos: “This feels oddly familiar!”
Hjalmar: “I must study this! Uh, lady and gentlemen, we have a problem in the back.”
Tywin: “Problem?”
Lance: That would be hilarious if he got paralyzed and he couldn’t talk, and we’re just walking on…
Thanatos: “Hey Hjalmar, what do you – awwww.”

The group rolls for initiative, despite the group steadfastly refusing to react in any IC way to Hjalmar’s call. Hjalmar himself curses in rage as he rolls terribly on initiative. Thanatos goes first and promptly wanders off for an ice cream sandwich. Thanatos shoves his way through the entire party to get back there, lowballing the damage roll for only seven. Maevreen steps forward and slaps it for ten, ending it. This ends the immediate threat, but then the little spiders surge forwards. Swarms engulf the party members, dealing minor damage and laughable Fortitude saves. Thanatos is next to act, is not nauseated, and the party members swiftly squabble over who will eat the splash damage from his alchemist’s fire. Thanatos slams a flask down, dealing one point of damage to the spider swarm, and one point to everyone IN the spider swarm.

DM: That did… nothing.
Tywin: That was a very Pyrrhic attack.

Maevreen summons a fire elemental with Distracting Ember, then realizes that kind of sucks and takes it back, but has no idea what to do.

Maevreen: I don’t really want to use the alchemist’s fire since I just took a point of damage from somebody’s else’s.
Thanatos: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Maevreen hurls a flask nonetheless, dealing five to the swarm and 1 to herself and Tywin. Tywin’s action comes up.

DM: Thanatos, quickly, turn into a dolphin. Spiders HATE that.
Thanatos: That’s what I was trying to do before!
Tywin: If I toss the flask… sorry. That’s why we brought the stuff. If I don’t throw it someone else will do it. Right?
Lance: (obstinately singing the Spongebog Squarepants theme, badly)
Tywin: Right?
DM: He’s checked out.

Tywin lobs a flask and rolls a one on damage, thereby inflicting more damage to the party than he did to the swarm. Lance wisely moves out of the fray and continues hurling flasks. Maevreen is actually in serious trouble health-wise. The spiders chase after Hjalmar, who drops but remains unpoisoned, and Thanatos, who is still up, but the spiders finally die. Thanatos actually fails the Fort save, taking two points of Strength damage.

Thanatos: Who’s around that other swarm?
DM: That’s the one that went after Hjalmar, and is currently swarming around what is, as far as you know, his poisoned-to-death corpse.
Thanatos: I swing my club!
Hjalmar: And down into negatives.
Thanatos: There’s truthfully nothing I can do.
Hjalmar: You could drag my body out of the swarm, maybe, that’d be awesome.

Thanatos continues to debate his options, but really comes up with nothing.

Thanatos: I sit there shouting, “HJALMAR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DM: Your shouting attracts EVERYTHING. Roll for initiative!

The other swarm is burned out by the flames, giving them the field. Focus turns to the still-ongoing battle out in the field; the armies of Diemed continue to claim victories on the field. Thanatos vows to replace all archers with knights in the future as one unit grossly underperforms. As that flurry goes on, Hjalmar recovers to find his spider injuries slowly healing, thanks to his blood powers.

Hjalmar: I… riiiiiiiiiiiiise.
Tywin: A zombie!
Thanatos: Oh crap, I shouldn’t have swung my axe!
DM: Down goes Hjalmar. Roll a new character, I’m sorry.
Hjalmar: Split in half by his king.
DM: “Here’s my new character: Jhalmar.”
Thanatos: “I’m his brother.”
Hjalmar: Except his race is Vosgaard, and he’s Chaotic Evil.

The secondary poison hits Thanatos, but he saves it away, still cursing the loss of Strength. Refusing to become discouraged, the group moves on.

DM: Do you continue on hastily, or at a cautious pace?
Thanatos: (baffled that he could even ASK) Cautious pace…
Hjalmar: We’re a little gunshy now…
Tywin: We’re walking backwards.
Lance: (looking over the screen) Why do you have the book open to tarrasque?!
Hjalmar: We need an extended DM screen, so you have to stand up and talk to it.

Maevreen hears a dark monotone chanting in the background. Now everyone is looking over the screen, curious as to what monster they’re facing.

Tywin: Oh man, we’re so dead. Oh, it’s a Tendriculus we’re fighting. It’s only like way above awesome hit dice. All of us put together – it opens its mouth and we all jump in. Save ourselves the trouble…
DM: It rolls a natural one, it chokes on you all. Your Three Stooges Maneuver has paid off.

The DM puts the table back together for reasons that are at best unclear. Diversions occur.

Tywin: Mordenkainen’s Ass.
Thanatos: Okay, what happened after she heard the chanting?
DM: You guys went off on a bunch of fucking tangents, that’s what happened!
Thanatos: Oh, okay.
DM: She told you, there were tangents, and no mention of it was ever made again.

They decide to charge face-first into danger… cautiously. Moving silently – Thanatos rolls a one, for a total of negative three, and is mocked vigorously.

Tywin: “Bard, play us a song!”
DM: Thanatos attempts to emulate the ability of Lance, to grant stealth and swiftness to his allies.
Lance: With a song.
DM: (singing horribly) “Everyone move silentlyyyyYYYYYYYYY!” Glass shatters all over. Why there would be glass…
Thanatos: So, I’ve fumbled my Move Silently.

The group mocks… Aliarra. What? The chanting stops, and the group advances, trying to figure out how to kill the tarrasque. They step into a clearing – and the DM turns them back to the battle map. After a round of this, they return to the woods, where a mysterious creature that seems an animated suit of armor in spider shape. The DM reaches for dice.

DM: All right, “Player-Killer”, where are you?
Thanatos: Not cool, dude.
Lance: What an awesome initiative this! What an excellent initiative! Five!

Tywin enlarges Thanatos, while Maevreen steps forward to use a maneuver on the creature, giving it a miss chance and 11 points. Thanatos spends the entirety of the next five minutes muttering about what his new size gives him.

DM: Would you like the good news or the bad news?
Mavreen: Bad news.
DM: You got crit.
Lance: There’s no good news after that.
Maevreen: Yeah. So how much damage did I take?
DM: 13 points.
Maevreen: I’m down to negative 2.
Tywin: That heal was wasted.
Lance: Yeah. There is no GOOD news.
Maevreen: There’s no good news.
Lance: Don’t SAY that.
DM: You’re not dead, that’s the good news?
Maevreen: I will be dead by the time anyone gets to me!
DM: Maevreen steps forward and they exchange blows. You all watch in horror as the thing draws back its longsword and slams it into her stomach to the hilt, as the tip of it bursts out of her back. He contemptuously withdraws it to the side, slinging an arc of her blood aside as she drops to the ground.
Lance: So that miss chance did absolutely nothing.
DM: It was only 20%.
Lance: Absolutely nothing.
Thanatos: So is she dead, or…?
DM: As near as you can tell she’s just bleeding out. Thanatos!
Thanatos: I move within 10 feet. ‘Cuz then I can melee. So. I’m gonna attack him.
Tywin: You’re gonna exchange words. “That was most unkind, sir!”
DM: You turn into a dolphin.
Hjalmar: That’s one bigass dolphin.
Tywin: Would seeing his comrade’s contemptuous demise activate his Divine Wrath?
DM: He doesn’t like her that much. Maybe if he had reacted in the slightest bit, but, he didn’t. Just stepped forward and attack.
Thanatos: Does a 16 hit?
DM: You rolled a sixteen to hit it?
Thanatos: Yes.
DM: (after pondering Thanatos’s combined plus to attack) I’m sorry. You step forward, and your greataxe descends upon it. It raises its shield and deflects your blow to the side. Hjalmar!
Hjalmar: Hmmmm.
Thanatos: Hey, does her being on the ground activate my Divine Wrath?
DM: No. Like I said, maybe if you had reacted in the slightest bit in character, but no, you stepped forward and attacked. Didn’t even blink.
Thanatos: Eh, it happens. I’m Chaotic.
Hjalmar: I encase my hands in stone.
DM: All right, Hjalmar prepares for the best wank of his life.
Tywin: The… best?
Lance: A stonejob!
DM: He won’t have any feeling, so it’ll feel like someone else doing it.
Hjalmar: “I call it The Stranger.”

Lance bursts into song. Tywin plans to heal Maevreen.

Tywin: I’ll cast Vigor on her, since it’s so useful.
DM: (having advocated the efficiency of the Vigor spells for some time, is now reduced to sputtering)

Tywin rolls his cure spell, and puts Maevreen up to 2 hit points total.

Thanatos: (once again, totally not paying attention) I gain two hit points?
DM: No, no! You heal-thief, that’s great! Chaotic good, my ass. All right, Player-Killer, give me another one!
Hjalmar: (after a pause) Why are you staring at it?
Tywin: He’s mad at it now.
DM: I think it’s on your side, now, Player-Killer, you’re retired for tonight. Take your attack of opportunity.
Thanatos: Of course not! (hurling his die aside)

The creature steps forward, trips over Maevreen, and totally loses its attack. Thanatos finally manages to land a hit for 18 points of damage, hacking open the armor to reveal nothing inside it. He promptly plans to throw flasks of fire inside it.

DM: Hjalmar, roll a Fortitude to survive the mighty wank you give upon yourself.
Hjalmar: Wait, what?

Hjalmnar checks his many modifiers, then hits the creature for 11.

Hjalmar: I punch him.
DM: You punch him so hard—
Hjalmar: Slam him, I guess is the actual attack term.
DM: Slam. What’s the difference? Oh, a punch isn’t a NATURAL attack, doesn’t drain levels!

The players enjoy a cheap laugh at the DM’s bitterness, Hjalmar misses his second punch. Lance continues to sing even as he prepares to fire into melee.

DM: All right, you’re at -4 from firing into melee.
Lance: What? Really? I hadn’t played this game before!
Hjalmar: That rules exists.
Lance: Really? We’ve played for six years, have ranged attacks, that’s NEVER come up!
DM: You have a -4 because it’s a vampire monk. On a boat.
Tywin: That’s like a -10. It exis—it’s a vampire monk with stretchy arms to choke you!
DM: A vampire choker, that’s not a bad idea…

Lance fires and Maevreen strikes, both successfully. The DM cheerfully hogs the orange Player-Killer d20s, deploying one into action.

Lance: I’m glad I stood back, he rolled the d20 twice, that’s not good.
Hjalmar: Who’s he critting?!

The DM continues to roll, then looks up to…. Thanatos!

DM: It steps forward and with one powerful blow hacks through Thanatos’s chain mail! Now, were you a normal-sized target, this would be a brutal blow across your chest, but you’re slightly larger, so I’m afraid it’s slightly lower.
Thanatos: Yaaaaay.
Maevreen: Thanatos isn’t siring any children.
Thanatos: “My line is ended!”
DM: Well, let’s just say that it will be healed with a cure spell, but whichever one of yours dangles lower has gone spiraling off into the bushes, and the femoral artery in your opposite leg has been opened. You take 17 points of damage from the crit.
Thanatos: Jesus, I got critted?!
Maevreen: We both got critted!
DM: And now you know why I hoard this orange dice.

Hjalmar rolls a crit, which he can’t confirm because it’s an undead. Lance attempts bloodtheft on Thanatos, but then remembers his alignment. Hjalmar punches the thing’s helmet clean off, dealing the finishing blow to it. Maevreen rolls well to stabilize Thanatos.

DM: You quickly roll over to Thanatos and apply pressure—
Lance: You never get up, for the rest of the campaign you’re just rolling around on the ground…

All is silence, until the archanid swarm around them surges forward. Lance promptly suicide-slams a flask of alchemist’s fire, but the spiders race past without even noticing them.

Hjalmar: “That was nightmare fuel, right there.”
DM: The spiders are racing straight for the battlefield.
Thanatos: Good thing they alllll have alchemist’s fire.

The units on the field hold their lines, hurling the fire into the fray. The spiders burst into a massive wave of fire, which crawls backwards on the encroaching spider waves towards the forest! The group furiously loots Thanatos’s corpse.

Thanatos: “I’m not dead yet…”

The enlarge spell is finally dismissed, and the adventurers run like hell. Any hope of leaving the forest directly to escape is squashed by the flames.

Hjalmar: We’ll make a retreat.
DM: Which way?
Hjalmar: I’m not retreating into the fucking fire, DM!
Tywin: He’s daring us to do it, why don’t we? I have resistance to fire!

Tywin remembers he had resistance all this time, and retroactively strikes the fire damage from his character sheet.

Tywin: I can get us – wait a minute, I can’t get all of us though.
Hjalmar: You can take the king out of here.
Tywin: Yeah, leave the rest of you to burn.
Hjalmar: We can run.
DM: Yeah, INTO the flames. “Take me now, take me out of this campaign! Where’s a hurricane when we need one? It was raining so much, why not now?!”

The players furiously debate various plans to survive. Hjalmar is in favor of the forest, others suggest creating a firebreak with alchemist’s fire. Thanatos starts to speak, then stops.

Thanatos: God, I hate being unconscious! I’m going to step away from the table!
DM: Shouldn’t have gotten crit, boy. It’s not his fault he went for the low-hanging fruit!

At last, the group moves! Tywin seizes Thanatos and runs for the flames, while the others run through the forest down the path previous opened. The fire closes on them as Tywin hurls himself face-first into the flames to teleport. The flames race up to the forest, threatening to engulf the characters – and immediately snuffs out.

DM: On a meta note, the DM is going to be nice to his characters and tell you get the fuck out of the forest. Get the fuck out of the forest!
Hjalmar: That’s what we’re doing.
Lance: That’s what we’re doing! We didn’t stop running because the fire stopped coming!
DM: No, no. Stop walking on the path. Turn to the right. Get out of the forest. Then resume your path to your horses. Out of character, I’m telling you this, because you won’t like what happens if you stay on the path.

Victory is theirs! The Spider’s forces are defeated, and all are safe!

DM: Very few people are in the camp at the moment, mostly support staff.
Hjalmar: They’re having heart attacks at the moment.
DM: They’re freaking out, yes. The camp followers hurriedly tend to Thanatos the only way they know how, but since his injury is a missing ball, it only makes it worse, oh no!
Thanatos: Wait, I actually lost the nut?
DM: I told you it would be healed by magic, you don’t need regeneration for this. I told you Ol’ Low-Fruit went flying. Whichever one was dangling lower, I don’t presume to make that decision for your character.
Thanatos: I lost my right testicle!
Lance: You don’t know that, you’re unconscious.
Hjalmar: Hopefully you get healed before you find out.
DM: Once you get healed, it’s righty-tighty lefty-loosey.
Hjalmar: That was actually pretty funny. I’ll let that one slide.
Thanatos: Wow.
Lance: Sewn…. Back together wrong…

The DM awards experience, which remains inadequate to get them out of level 1. With administrivia out of the way and a night passed, the players patch themselves up and get themselves back together, electing to stay with the army till things are better.

DM: No more traveling cross-country for you guys. You see an ominous storm a-brewing!
Hjalmar: Quick, get the troops to climb around us and make a fortification!
DM: You awake! The last thing you remember is extreme pain as the figure you were fighting cut you down.
Thanatos: “Oh god. Oh god, did somebody grab my nuts off the ground.”
DM: You quickly check and find them both there.
Thanatos: “Oh… Oh, it must have been a bad dream.”

A long silence.

Lance. “Yup. Yup, it was a dream.”
DM: Tywin refuses to acknowledge his liege’s ramblings.

Thanatos elects to peel off an escort worthy of the monarch – including the lieutenant.

DM: “To stand trial?”
Thanatos: “Of course.”
Lance: You’re gonna lie to him?
Tywin: She HAS to stand trial for treason.
Thanatos: “She will be held accountable, justice will be served upon her as is due.”
Lance: As the rest of the troops realize that independent thought is frowned upon, they only follow orders now—
Tywin: Would you STOP?! Shut up!
Lance: No!
Tywin: It will all be resolved, just out of his sight!
Thanatos: “Captain, I will allow you to report whoever you see fit.”
DM: “I have it already taken care of, sire.”
Tywin: There he goes again! Sorry, that was meta. He’s already got a lackey bootlicker ready for promotion.
Hjalmar: They’re gonna die.

Once again they squabble over who paid the alchemist and how much. The next day they set off, with the lieutenant brought to them in chains.

Thanatos: “Remove her leg chains. Lieutenant, what are your intentions, if I remove your chains?”
DM: “All of them, or just the leg chains, sir?”
Thanatos: “Just the leg chains for now.”
DM: “It would be rather foolish of me to attempt to flee with my arms bound, but even so, I have no intention of doing it. I stand by what I did. I will see this course through to the end.”
Thanatos: “Lieutenant, I am going to hold you to your word. I will remove your chains. But if you try to run—“
Lance: Immediately! Attack roll, hits, six points of damage, all over!
Thanatos: “If you flee, Cuiracaen will strike you down.”
Lance: She immediately stabs him, performs bloodtheft. “Ah ha, I’ve been waiting for this moment!” She pulls her mask back… “The Gorgon?!” “I knew the Spider would do this, so I disguised myself as your soldier!”
Tywin: “Sire, her initiative with the alchemist’s fire WAS validated.”
DM: You notice the captain’s cheek muscles twitch slightly as he summons the camp blacksmith to have her chains struck off.
Lance: You did it in front of him, too? Nice.

The entourage sets off at last. The DM vows a murder mystery!

Tywin: Who killed her?
Thanatos: The next morning the lieutenant is dead!
DM: The suspects. A: The Captain.
Lance and DM: B: Thanatos himself.
DM: C: Red Herring! D: Ralth.
Hjalmar: It was regent Thanatos in the Observatory with the wrench.
Thanatos: It’s a good thing I’m the king, even if I choke a bitch they can’t stop me.

Traveling back, they see the damage inflicted by the hurricane. After a day of trouble, they reach a major temple city, where Tywin has a holding centered. The damage to the city is extensive, but the temple of Cuiracaen is in flawless condition! The hurricane appears to have actually washed it.

Lance: I’m having too much fun imagining how much money I’m making, selling supplies to the city at mildly increased price.
Tywin: “And of course Father Cuiracaen will punish any of those who seek to profit from this natural disaster…”

Thanatos vows to end anyone who screws with his realm.

Thanatos: Nothing says obey me like a head on a pike!
DM: The motto of Thanatos’s new realm. “Nothing says ‘obey me’ like a head on a pike.” He has it engraved in Olde Anuirean above his throne and his heraldic banner.

Lance vows the perfect innocence of his guild holdings. Tywin accidentally hits him in the face with a book, which everyone takes as both divine retribution and hilarious comedy. And the end of the game for the evening. Doesn’t get better than that!