A book is removed from the microphone. Somewhere along the line, some campaign detail has been lost; we rejoin the heroes after a fellow Sedai has arrived on the scene of carnage and despair that is the village post-spawn attack.

Calinai: “I apologize for my attitude, sister. Recent combat has left me weary.”
DM: “We heard the ruckus, and I felt…” (gradually realizing this phrasing has left him only one way out) “…a disturbance in the Source.”
Inferian: “My shadowspawn are dying. I mean, my fellow Sedai is not dying. I mean… …. ….something not evil!”
DM: “We were en route to another destination but we came as quickly as we could – although it seems your work here is done. What was the cause of all this?”
Falgrim: “Bloody Forsaken.”
Calinai: “A large force of darkness. One, the leader, seemed… most disheartening, and I might say, frightening as well. For he has a returned.”
Inferian: “Can we have a moment?” (looking at the other players) “Huddle!” Move back out of the range of easy Listen checks… “All right.”
Calinai: We’re now like 200 feet away.
Inferian: “Sadler. Is the guy Sadler or did he just take his image? I think it’s him, there’s no reason for him to have taken the image, but I want to make sure we’re a united front on this.”
Calinai: It’s just a guy disguised as Skadler. The dark wizard.
DM: You overhear Lann as he moves among the bodies—
Calinai: Stealing our loot!
Inferian: God damn it!
DM: He’s not searching the bodies, he’s just going over them. He wonders aloud how it is how many shadowspawn were living this far south.

The group comes to a consensus that Sadler is in fact Magnus, rather than Magnus assuming the form of Sadler to frame him, and break huddle.

Calinai: “Anyways, the name of the person who has appeared before us—“
DM: “Forsaken, you said?”
Calinai: Out of character, the name, I can’t remember the name.
Inferian: Magnus. I remember because I keep wanting to call him the Master of Magnetism.
Lars: Ultra Magnus!

They briefly explain to the Sedai what they knew this far of Magnus/Sadler, and then the DM pauses to give out loot. A Rope of Climbing, a Helm of Battle --

Inferian: All right, we’ll slap in on Lars’s head and call it a day.
Falgrim: Thoonk!
Inferian: “It’s backwards!” “No it’s not.”
DM: The boots—
Inferian: Are made for walking.
DM: They’re actually made for Striding and Springing.
Falgrim: Oh my God.

Falgrim trades the boots he just got for these, grumbling about the constant new footwear. The DM pauses because there’s sauce (from dinner) everywhere, endangering the books if he were to touch them.

Inferian: I never sauce such a thing.
Calinai: All new low.
Inferian: I like how that pun was lower than Hitler and dead babies.

The loot continues: a Talisman of Undead Mastery, Deathstrike Bracers (which inspires a debate on whether they should give them to Benar, and how crazy he will go if he gets them)--

Calinai: “He’s given me these bracers. I must be a dragon as well. I bet I can fly!” Immediately finds the tallest building, jumps off of it. “I’m… afraid your cohort took a nasty spill.”
Inferian: That’s okay, his replacement is here. “Hello, I’m Raneb.”

--and a fine Vanisher Cloak. Calinai imagines a future in which the Sedai demand that she kill her companions to maintain a secret with slightly more relish than anyone really likes. She abruptly remembers she doesn’t even have a warder.

Inferian: “Calinai, you must surely join my –“ “Oh hell no! Not until you stop speaking like that! Until then I’ll be over here with my sisters!”
Calinai: (to Falgrim) “I’ll give you 2000 gold if you be my ward and survive through this.”
Inferian: Hey! I already hired Falgrim! And that sword was worth a lot more than 2000 gold!
Calinai: Here, 30000, let’s go.
Inferian: All right, I quickly go up a level than knife Benar. “Falgrim, welcome to Team Dragon.”
Falgrim: “Yes milord, uuuuugh… Just wait till I go up a level.”

Inferian has gained a level and has gained more followers, including a second level one. Perhaps relatedly, the townsfolk slowly emerge from their shelters; some of them immediately join Team Inferian. (His second-level guy is a ranger.) Calinai is furious.

Calinai: I’m a Sedai, it should be easy for me to get a guardian!
Inferian: Benar was originally supposed to be your ward. He was on his way to you, all of a sudden I gained a level… “Dragon… Dragon…”
Calinai: That would be hilarious if that was a subplot. He walks around, in his park are his orders, one day, someone.. “Hey, what’s this that fell out?” “YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

The party decides to do what they should have done last night: recover. Inferian feebly beseeches the clerics for a Lesser Restoration. Their limited supply of healing is supplemented by the Sedai (Moraine).

Calinai: I’m not asking for any. A little too prideful to have a Sister aid me like that.
DM: 50 XP.
Calinai: Haha, yay!
DM: Oh that’s right, I was supposed to give you specific character XP for… breaking character and actually caring about someone else.
Inferian: That’s not breaking character!
DM: Yes it is!
Inferian: We’ve never had the opportunity! How much effort did we put into saving the kid the FIRST time the half-men went after him?!

The players – and DM – needle Lars for his general failure to keep his Whitecloak nature secret – then Inferian recounts an epiphany.

Inferian: The other day, Sioneva came up to me while I was sitting downstairs, and she was eating croutons straight out of the bag. I was like, “Why are you eating croutons out of the bad?! This is madness!” I looked down for a moment, and then I had a horrible realization.
Calinai: You had become me.
Inferian: This is what it’s like to be Calinai ALL THE TIME!
Calinai: Thank you! You understand now!
Inferian: Nothing makes sense and it all hurts my head, how can this be!?

And yet the group decrees over Inferian’s slipping sanity that eating croutons straight from the bag is normal. The Sedai’s questions, which are what led to the mocking of Lars, are quietly put off. Somehow the innate psychic powers of half-giants are brought up.

Calinai: We go up there, even the littlest baby half-giant has ten times the power you do.
Inferian: To be fair, any half-giant at all has ten times the NUMBER of powers I do. I have a pathetic number of powers!
Calinai: He’s like “I wild surge for +2.” “I wild surge for +200.”
Inferian: Wow, that gives him a 1000% chance of being enervated, I’m not so sure that’s a good move on his part.
Calinai: “It only makes me stronger.”
DM: (realizing who Calinai sounds like) Solomon Grundy…
Calinai: He backfires, his eyes shoot laser beams.
Inferian: His eyes shoot laser beams… after the eyeballs pop out.
Calinai: Looking closely, you realize they’re only glass. He picks them back up.
Inferian: He’s like Cyclops, except instead of ruby-quartz, his eyebeams are blocked by the back of his eyeballs.

The discussion briefly gets back on track, as the Sedai questions them about Magnus’s whereabouts and they once again resolve to return to Noldor and tell the queen of what has transpired.

Calinai: (dawning horror) Oh no, we’re still going to jail! There’s no way – we’re gonna go back there and all of a sudden we’ll be in a fucking Chrono Trigger-style trial.
Inferian: “Oh god, I shouldn’t have eaten all those kids’ lunches.”
Calinai: We go to jail. “Execution in 2 days.”
Inferian: Ah, but may I point out, we have Mr. Zone of Truth on our side. (pointing at Lars)
DM: (accidentally singing the wrong music) Oh, here comes Kefka…
Inferian: I think out-of-character we alllllll know we’re fucked, but nevertheless, we’re going to go back and attempt to do damage control on the entire kingdom of Noldor.
Falgrim: “Bloody Forsaken.”

The PCs continue to relate the story of their battle, this time regarding the disappearance of the seal and the note inside. The DM shakes his head., realizing that perhaps he’d oversold Olde Tongue just a little, since every PC speaks it.

DM: Even for someone who’s like, “Hey, I’m lord of so-and-so, I know how to say hello, and I can just mash together a bunch of gobbledegook that no one can tell is gobbledegook—“
Inferian: “I don’t speak Goblin, what’re you talking about.”
DM: (gleeful) That IS what they speak, isn’t it?!

The group insistently stays at the town to rest and recover, not willing to go into another battle at half-strength. The Sedai and her warder part ways with them, but not before the warder pauses to have a word.

DM: “You say that pair of half-men made off with one of the local boys.”
Inferian: “They attempted to. Repeatedly.”
DM: “Repeatedly you say.”
Inferian: “The first half-man, at the battle of the slope, chased after the boys rather than attempting to engage us. And these twin half-man, the ones who moved as one, attempted to seize and carry off one.”
DM: He looks amongst you. “Where is he?”

A pause.

Inferian: “Good question.”
DM: You know what he looks like, this guy does not.
Falgrim: Is he standing right here, or…?
Inferian: I’m just afraid to answer that, because I’m afraid the answer is going to be that he wandered off while we were talking, and then I would have to kill you.
DM: Benar shivved him because he said something cross about the Lord Dragon.
Inferian: Remind me, note to self, buy Benar a sap. Next time we have these fucking kids running around, they are going safely in a Bag of Holding until the adventure is done.
DM: Taking a quick look around, you spot him in front of the inn, which is still large and intact.
Inferian: “THEEEEEERE!”
Calinai: That’s when his true side comes out. “Mm, he does look delicious…” I knew it, they’re agents of the TRUE northern half-men, Michael Giant – uh, Michael Jackson. I like Michael Giant though…
DM: He swings himself up into his saddle and calls out in a raised voice, “You there, boy, in front of the inn!” He stops his discussion with one of the locals. “Come here!” He makes his way over quickly to the front of you all so he can be visibly seen.
Inferian: All right, let’s all take bets. I’ve got 10 gold on a gratuitous decapitation.

The other players stubbornly refuse to gamble, instead choosing to argue whether that was in or out of character. Calinai threatens to throw money into a crowd for no reason.

DM: The warder on the horse says to him, “Someone like you should’ve just be an easy sword-thrust for a half-man. Why would they try to take you?” He takes a moment to gather himself…
Calinai: Why didn’t we just ask him about this?
Inferian: Well we really didn’t have a chance up till now… At first up on the hill, okay the half-man wanted an easy target to go knock off, makes sense at that point. Boys, easier targets than the guys who are slaughtering their horde of trollocs. Down here… little less sense maybe. This way we don’t look like the bad guys for interrogating these kids!
DM: “Everything was happening so fast. I wasn’t really thinking much about what was going on, except for trying to survive. But they spoke to each other in a really strange sort of voice while they were carrying me across the woods.”
Inferian: “I love getting takeout,” they said.
Calinai: “I’m going to eat his legs.”
Inferian: “All right, I call his liver.”
DM: “But one of them asked a question and the other responded, ‘Remove one leg of the tripod and they all shall fall.’”
Inferian: (darkly) These three kids are some secret clue to saving the world. (facepalms)
Falgrim: Was that [facepalm] recorded?
DM: He says “Indeed” and swings his horse about, following after his mistress.
Inferian: All right, any of you want to start throwing Knowledges at this one?

History and Religion are the appropriate Knowledge, and some rolls are made. Calinai sets off the meta alarm by accusing a mysterious higher power of just making crap up. All they know is that there’s some importance there. Inferian proposes they take the boys back to the kingdom for their own protection.

Calinai: We go back to the capital, there’s a book on it. “Any child in some hick fucking podunk out in nowhere will do for this spell.”
Falgrim: “But what if the queen’s courtiers are corrupted beyond repair? We could just take them into further danger.”
Inferian: “As opposed to the entire horde of shadowspawn who nearly razed their town and would have succeeded if not for us.”
Falgrim: “Would they be safe at the Tower?”
Inferian: “I don’t think the Tower would be welcoming to them.”

Calinai questions the DM about this. The Tower is one of the last safe places in the world, but not ideal, so they declare it to be a backup. So on to Noldor, but it would help if the farm lads wore cloaks…

Inferian: (to Lars) “Could we borrow your cloak? It would really help!” “Here you go—“ “WAAAAH!”
Lars: He’s like, “Sure!”
Inferian: UH-OH!
Calinai: Roll for initiative, immediately attack!
DM: “You fellas aren’t suggesting that we need to leave home, are you?”
Falgrim: “That we are, lad.”
Inferian: :”The Shadowspawn seem to value you for some reason, If you stay here you will only be putting your town and your loved ones in greater danger.”
Calinai: (teenage voice) “I wanna bring my girlfriend, and her father, and her family, and—“
Lars: “Shut up!”
Calinai: I walk over to the shopkeep. “Shopkeep, do you have a sap?” “Sure.” “Benar, take care of it.:
Inferian: 32 on Diplomacy.
Lars: “Deeeh, SURE!”
Inferian: Psionic dominate!
DM: “Lord Dragon, I will follow you wherever you go!”

Inferian gleefully anticipates dominating a dragon someday, at which Calinai vows to kill him in his sleep for the good of the world. The DM completely abandons his usage of names that are illusions to names and just calls them by their ‘names’. Two of the three boys agree, and promise they can convince the third,.

Inferian: “Here’s a secret: torch to the groin, always helps.”
Sioneva: (chokes on her own offense)
DM: He stares at you in credulous horror—
Inferian: Hahahahahaha! I didn’t actually say that.
Sioneva: You used the voice!
Inferian: Yes I know, but it was obviously fake,
Sioneva: No!
DM: He’s not sure whether to take it as a joke, granted that he’s still kind of PTSD after last night…He didn’t sleep through the night’s events, in case you’ve forgotten, he’s got a little PTSD going on.
Inferian: Oh that’s right, I need to make sure Benar equips my followers fucking better for once, Only eight of them had bows, stupid. They’re getting better weapons.
DM “Stupid,” (snickering) That’s why you don’t have any money, you spent it equipping your followers. Ah, the price of having slaves. It’s Inferian’s burden.
Inferian: “It’s tough having to deal with such an army followers.” “Inferian, could you just NOT say that while they’re carrying you on a palanquin?”
Calinai: I want to make a gnome thrallherd, and his cohort is a giant that carries him around…

The PCs finally rest! The town is extinguished, the dead buried, along with Inferian’s minions who passed on…

Inferian: I speak some words over their graves.
Calinai: “You will be replaced!”
Inferian: “It didn’t even take 24 hours to replace you, truly you guys were shitty.”
DM: You stand over their graves. “Until that day, when all are one.” Everyone cracks a tear involuntarily, remembering a time in the lives when something was taken from them.
Inferian: “Oh, darkest hour.” (attempts to open chest) “Oh that’s right, I’m not a robot.”
Calinai: You had the Matrix in your heart?
DM: No, he got Mola-Ram to take the Matrix out for him. “Optimis! Cover your heaaaart!”
Falgrim: Shut up, Short Round.
DM: Mola-Ram, prepare to meet Megatron… in hell!
Inferian: I wanna see this crossover now.
DM: Indiana Jones and the Matrix of Leadership. Still better than Crystal Skull, even if Michael Bay had his hands in – Michael Bay and George Lucas together would probably make the worst movie, at least by modern-day standards.
Calinai: We’d never see the actors amidst the explosions and shitty acting.

The night passes at last, and the mayor bestows apple brandy on them. The town is not renamed Inferianland, but Calinai suggests that at some point they’re going to find a town dedicated to worship of the Lord Dragon. Leaving the town behind, they cross the river to rejoin their transport.

Lars: Can I buy a hooker?
Inferian: From the halflings?!
Lars: They’re all halflings? No, in Two Rivers people?
DM: The Two Rivers – they don’t have a brothel.
Lars: They don’t have a brothel? What kind of place is this?
DM: The place that’s not at all like Game of Thrones.
Inferian: (indicating the transport) “Behold, Lars, the creation of the ogre.”
Lars: “That’s… pretty impressive.”
DM: Ogre didn’t make that. Ogre are like stonemasons.
Inferian: The ogre totally made this! We had an extensive discussion when we got on this on how the ogre made this.
DM: They made the city. They were largely responsible for the inner city of the capital. Not the device you used to get here.
Inferian: Oh no, I read that game report recently, we had a LONG discussion about the ogre and how he made it.
DM: The transcriptions are not always spot on AND I’M A BIG WEENIE
Inferian: Oh no, we had a long discussion, and many jokes about the ogre who made this. So yes, the ogre made it, damn it.
Falgrim: Heh, ‘the’ ogre.
Inferian: Yes, that was one of the jokes.
DM: The Ogre Express.

Dobson greets them with mild bemusement at their increased numbers. Conveniently the transport can accommodate the new numbers, leading to a number of jokes at the expense of Inferian’s thralls, as usual.

Inferian: Tell me this wasn’t the single best class level that has ever been taken in the history of our games.
Calinai: It is!
DM: Oh, it’s a lot of fun for me…

Taking note of the new arrivals, Dobson asks a few curious questions about the new arrivals, and when greeted by cryptic evasions, overtly tries to bribe the PCs to spill details.

DM: “I can make it worth your whiiiile!”
Calinai: “Sadly it’s not a matter of money. The things of these truth ring high in the bellows of power in this land. Speaking it too much could get it to the ears who know more than they should.”
DM: “Well, I can’t think of any ears that could be more discreet than mine!”
Calinai: “I also think of your safety.”
DM: “My dear sister, if safety were my primary concern, would I be out here with you all? Taking myself into harm’s way?” His intentions, while self-serving, do not appear to be in any way harmful.
Calinai: I proceed to give him the gist of what’s happening.
DM: He’s primarily, like many of his race in modern day—
Calinai: I leave out the name Magnus and just give him the idea that Sadler….
Sioneva: Is not what he seems?
Calinai: Yes.
DM: “Well if that’s the case, taking them to the capital could be quite risky indeed.”
Calinai: “Do you have a better option?”
DM: “Well, as I’m sure you’re aware, us upper-echelon of fellows in the Society of Khureen are quite well-connected and protected! I could, say, provide services of a sort, of the ‘room and board’ and ‘looking after the safety of these boys’. If that was a proposition that could interest you, I’m sure we could come to an agreement that would be mutually beneficial. After all, the kingdom is well out of harm’s way from the imperial court at Andor.”
Calinai: “Let me ask the others what they think, but I think it would be most beneficial.”
DM: “Of course. Things will be ready to get underway perhaps within the hour!”

Dobson sets off with a gleaming grin to make their transport ready. Calinai relays the offer to the group as a whole. Somehow it develops into angry complaining about the Nightmare monster from the Birthright midquel. The group present the options to the farmlads.

DM: From your description of the situation that they may face at the capital, the unknown choices seems to be the lesser of two evils for them, and they tentatively agree to it.
Calinai: “On the plus side you will be in a place where you will be giants among men.”
DM: This seems to appeal to Rand and Perrin.
Calinai: They get there and the houses are tiny, they only go up to this high. “What the hell!?”
DM: However Matt’s face or spirit seems to fall as he comes to the realization that all of the women will be like small children to him.
Calinai: And the other ones are like, “Ohh yeaaaah…”
Falgrim: “I feel like a sexual giant.”
Calinai: Oh, I have to say something like this. He’s sad, and I’m like, “Well just imagine, your… business will seem almost gigantic to the women there? Gargantuan even. “
DM: Another word and I will hit you.
Falgrim: “Inferian! Earmuffs.”
Calinai: “Aaah, what does that mean?!” Someone needs to play an adolescent character whio’s like level 12.
Inferian: And yet is a 15th level cleric!
Calinai: Reincarnation. WOO!

Calinai and Inferian high-five.

Inferian: I was reincarnated into a fetus. I have the Leadership feat, my cohort is my mother.
Calinai: That’s so weird. Leading from inside with kicks against the stomach. She knows what you’re saying.
Falgrim: Morse code.
Calinai: “The thrall does not approve of you. Hail, Dragon Lord!” This is so wrong… dead baby Hitler! Ended that conversation, little dead baby Hitler out there. Whew. (a pause.) Hitler dead baby.

Calinai ends up attempting to create a code through combinations of those three words. The DM produces a map of the world, acknowledging as he does that the kingdom names all just changed because he’d abandoned the thinly-veiled references to the setting he’d taken this from. A very long digression occurs

Inferian: So we’re on our way.
DM: Yes.
Inferian: We get there.
DM: Yes.
Inferian: (a brief pause as he scents opportunity) We convince the queen that Sadler was evil.
DM: Yes.
Inferian: We saved the universe.
DM: Over! You leveled again. Whoops, gotta go!

The engine device takes them back to the city in good time, with little description. The Whitecloak encampment seems much reduced as they pass it, though a force still remains. They disembark at last.

DM: Benar clears his throat to announce the return of the Lord Dragon.
Inferian: (mimes elbowing Benar in the stomach) “We discussed this.”
DM: “Oh… right milord.”
Inferian: SORRY MILORD DRAGON!
DM: Nope.
Inferian: “Good. Good.”
Calinai: “Benar, show me your tongue real quick.” He opens up, quickly write a couple… “There you go.” “Sorry milord—“ (expression indicating Benar’s silent horror) “I’ve just inhibited his ability to say dragon. Or lord.”
Inferian: “Welp. I’ll, uh, contact the sanitarium.:
DM: From now on Benar will refer to you simply as Bub.
Inferian: Lord D.
Calinai: Nope, can’t say Lord.
DM: “I serve you, Bub! What is Bub’s command?”
Inferian: “All right, first order of business: let’s go sell some shit.”
DM: Dobson grabs a pair of his orcish guard, bids you farewell for the time being, and parts with words that he will see you again at court.
Falgrim: He’s suing us!
DM: He plans on making a report on the machine’s performance, hopefully with your willing testimony, and also to observe any possible fireworks since there’s apparently a scandal or unrest of some sort at the courts.

The group heads into town, divvying up their spoils as they go.

DM: In the outer reaches of the new city, you can see affixed to some places of business, no private residences, but in a couple of places of business there are notices of – you wouldn’t call it a wanted poster, but it’s a notice of reward to—
Inferian: Please say Sadler. Please don’t say Lord Dragon.
DM: Well not Lord Dragon, but there’s a group of individuals listed with descriptions of your likenesses.
Falgrim: (cynical, bemused chuckling)
DM: And if any noble souls who walk in the light were to report the whereabouts of… It’s in the new city, where probably a coin slipped to a vendor would enable them to stick a parchment on the outer edge of their place of business. And it amounts to, “Anyone who gives us information leading to their whereabouts or aids in their capture…” It’s not like pictures, they don’t have medieval sketch artists.

Inferian sends Benar out to strip down some posters, while the rest of his minions equipped. Calinai goes out to haggle and barter. Falgrim, well…

Falgrim: “Hello, innkeeper! I’m back!”
DM: He scrubs away at his mug, more happily than ever to see you once more.
Inferian: But he hasn’t had a chance to replace the alcohol you drank—
Falgrim: “Goodbye, innkeeper!”

The DM strongly hints that Benar uses the posters as toilet paper, which everyone is cool with. Inferian calls Sadler ‘Statler’ again.

DM: Stop calling him that!
Falgrim: “Why do we always come here? I guess we’ll never know.”
DM: Yes, they sat in the palace the whole time you were gone, heckling all the passers-by. That’s what they did.

Lars makes a good Gather Information roll, though his interrogation techniques are compared to Batman and Rorscach, to discover that many rumors are swirling about Sadler’s abrupt disappearance, and some unrest has swirled in the city over the Whitecloaks, who apparently attempted to lean on the Queen.

Inferian: “Thank god none of us are Whitecloaks or this could be veeeeeery ugly.”
DM: Heh heh heh heh heh.
Calinai: No one likes Whitecloaks in this town?
DM: They’re not well-liked ANYwhere, except the nation that they’re from.
Calinai: Even there…
DM: It’s more of a, “They’re in charge, do as they say or get bulldozed.”

Off to court they go, to make an appointment for an audience.

Lars: Don’t mind me!
Calinai: That’s when someone from the Whitecloak brotherhood recognizes you. “LARS! LARS! MY BROTHER OF THE WHITE BROTHER! MY BESTEST WHITE BROTHER FRIEND!”
Inferian: Wow, this is getting mighty racist.
Lars: Schang! (making a motion of decapitation ) Can I get a plus to gold because I just shanked this dude? Can I make it look like a robbery?
DM: As you approach the royal palace of Andor… slash Noldor…
Inferian: Its name is Noldor in Thieves’ Cant.
DM: Burglar my nurglar, Noldor!
Inferian: I don’t even know where the hell I’m from now.
DM: You are from Tier. Traditionally known as Terraina.
Inferian: I’m from Terraria. I start digging a hole to hell, as I understand is the entire point of that game.
Falgrim: No… not quite.
Inferian: It’s all I’ve ever seen you guys do! Digging a hole… digging a hole… shaft straight down… going to hell…

Inferian attempts to announce himself as Drord Lagon; Falgrim calls himself the Dried Flagon. The guardsmen escorts them to a receiving chamber, and bids them leave behind the retinue. In the spirit of meta, they don’t leave Lars behind despite having no real reason to do so. They enter the throne room proper, where the Queen sits on her throne. Sadler is absent, but Dobson is thrilled to see them!

Inferian: We’re gonna disappoint him in a moment, though.
Calinai: Why are we gonna disappoint him?
Inferian: I assume we’re going to ask to the speak to the Queen in private. So as not to be like “YOUR CHAMBERLAIN WAS THE FUCKING BOSS OF THE FORSAKEN!” right out in the middle of court, that won’t go over too well.
DM: “So the adventurers have returned.”
Inferian: “We have.” “Oh god, I forgot how raspy you are! Be gone from my sight.”
DM: “Have you found the horde of the lair?”
Inferian: “It’s a very complicated story, and perhaps one with certain details you might not wish revealed to the entire court.” I allow my glance to stray meaningfully to where Statler ought to have – Sadler, I know…
Sioneva: Waldorf?
DM: “Whaddya think he’s talking about?” “I dunno, what do you think?” “I think he’s just wasting time!” “Dooooh ho ho—“
Inferian: “Energy Ray.”
DM: The queen’s bard and his retinue strikes up a song. “All right, here’s the beat.” “DRUMS! DRUMS! BANG DRUMS!” The queen’s jester makes his way out of the courtroom.
Lars: “Wakka wakka wakka!”
DM: (giggling madly)
Inferian: No wonder this court is so resistant to corruption from the Blight, and so against it. They’re Muppets!

The Queen clears the court save for her honor guard. Dobson attempts to appeal to the group, which shuns him, to his disappointment. Everyone stays silent. Inferian looks around in annoyance.

Inferian: Somehow, they volunteer the raspy-voiced guy to tell the tale, it’s your own fault.
DM: Well you’re the one with the most Charisma, right?
Inferian: With my magnificent cloak, it’s a 21.
Falgrim: Yep.
Inferian: No, Falgrim! You tell it!

Inferian relates the story of Sadler’s appearance and efforts to steal the item mid-battle, as well as his revelation as Magnus. The queen is naturally skeptical, but can’t help but believe given how the evidence fits with her observations.

Inferian: “We will submit ourselves to any divinations necessary, and because you are already familiar with our group and we have already met him, we have also seen to bring forth a person we met upon the journey, one who was seeking our party out for unrelated reasons, but one who has returned to testify as to the veracity of our words.”
Lars: “Hi! I’m Lars!”

Dead silence as everyone attempts to absorb Lars’s incredibly stupid voice.

Inferiam: By the way, the Queen is very hot, keep this in mind, Billy Dee.
DM: Hello, what have we here?
Lars: “S’up, Lady?”
Sioneva: “Hello, nurse!”
Inferian: “I’d like to get some mining rights in Noldor, ‘cuz I’m trying to sink a shaft.”
Sioneva: (collapses in laughter)
Falgrim: Nice.
Calinai: I’m not giving you the luxury…
DM: “What do you have to say for yourself, Master Lars?”
Inferian: “I’m a Whitecloak. I mean. No. Damn it! I’m not good at this.”
Calinai: He keeps rolling a one every time he tries to lie, and he keeps telling the turht. “I am a Whitecloak, sent to spy on these five criminals. I mean… I am DEFINITELY a Whitecloak sent to spy on these criminals! I mean… I have been sent to murder these individuals and spy on them.”
Inferian: It turns out he can only cast zone of truth on himself the entire time. That’s his class ability, it’s the shittiest one ever.
Calinai: It only affects himself no matter where it casts.

Lars confirms what the other PCs have said. Inferian watches the honor guard carefully, attempting to see if any are reacting to this in a suspicious way. The DM waxes eloquently about the incorruptibility of said guard, assuaging Inferian’s suspicions not a bit.

DM: Roll your Sense Motive.
Inferian: 39.
Lars: Good god.
DM: “Are you scanning my brain?”
Lars: “Get him out my head! GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!”
Inferian: They actually start speaking about their motives, so good is my roll.
DM: “We are watching the man who is obviously not a Whitecloak with the utmost attention.”
Inferian: Good news, their Sense Motive isn’t good either.

The DM openly encourages Lars to put the moves on the Queen, but Lars doesn’t bite. (This will be hilarious in one more game report.) She openly interrogates Lars on his opinions regarding Inferian: is he or isn’t he the Lord Dragon? Lars waffles.

DM: “All I can say for the story you’ve told me, is that while I sense you are telling me what you believed to be true, I suggest the easiest way to prove your tale—“
Lars: “Fight to the death.:”
DM: Into the pit!

Look, I can’t even explain how it got to the Relm Sketch-bug in FFVI, and I was not only AT the game, but listening to the game report. Sometimes you just give up and move on.

DM: “I would lay this charge upon you. If this man Sadler is indeed the dread Forsaken Magnus, seek him out and find him, so that I may send my own forces to dispatch him, and bring him to justice.”
Inferian: “If we find him, our intent would not be to leave enough of him left for justice to be served on this plane, but we will certainly let you know of his whereabouts and doings if we find out.”
DM: “Good enough.”

Inferian explains the whole boys-triangle-breaking thing in great and serious detail for a minute or two. As he winds down, Lars chimes in.M

Lars: “You know, the women of my town used to call me Tripod.”
Inferian: (a very long pause as he struggles) “…Thank you, Lars.”
Falgrim: I love how hard you tried to keep that straight face on you.
DM: Do you have Diplomacy? Make a roll.
Lars: (rolls)
Inferian: That’s a d12, you moron.
Lars: (rolls a different die)
Inferian: That’s a 20-sided d10.
Lars: (rolls another die)
Inferian: That’s ANOTHER d12! ROLL A D20! THEY HAVE TWENTY SIDES! TWENTY SIDES!
Lars: 28.
DM: Continually impressed by these off-color rolls that you make…
Inferian: Too bad he can’t make any good ones in combat.
Calinai and Lars: Seriously.
DM: The roleplay counts too. The Queen lifts one hand from the arm of her throne to sort of suppress a chuckle at what your Diplomacy clearly intended as a light-hearted crack to ease the tension. You even notice a couple of the guardsmen look away to conceal smiles, which they generally don’t crack in the Queen’s presence.
Calinai: (opening the Spell Compendium) Let’s see here…
Inferian: Slapping Hand!
Calinai: This is the moment when I’m glad I took that secret rogue level. Sap… “What’s over there?” He just collapses.
DM: “Well, good Master Tripod, I hope you as a recent addition to this group can contribute to the bringing of this villain to justice just as much as the rest.”
Lars: “I will serve it out, for my part.”
DM: “This pleases me, Master Tripod. As to your…”
Sioneva: “Manly virtues?”
DM: No. She’s addressing Inferian again. Stay on target! Stay on target!!
Calinai: Hold on a sec, hold on a sec… I’m gonna do my… I’m gonna roll…
Lars: (plays audio. Stay on target! Stay on target!)
Calinai: I was gonna make an off-white-color comment—
Inferian: An off-white-color comment?
Calinai: I was just gonna whisper out, as if I saw it, “I was not impressed…”

After the flashing, which doesn’t happen, the topic turns to their next destination. The party elects to produce their book of knowledge and allow the Queen to peruse it.

Inferian: The Queen is one of our allies, I think it would be good to keep her in the loop. She’s one of our FEW allies, we haven’t pissed her off or made an enemy out of her, which is more than I can say about everyone but Swerengin thus far.
Calinai: I was gonna say, we did fairly well. All of a sudden, “AAAH! THE QUEEN IS DEAD! It must be those five that just left!”
DM: Die, tyrant!
Inferian: The queen is dead… from choking!

It turns into a boat adventure, from which Calinai teleports untrained, leaving her trapped in a ceiling, slowly dying to death. They huddle around the nearby table, trying to choose a location – between the Blight and Therafell, Falgrim dismissively chooses Therafell.

Inferian: “Hopefully the presence of a strout, honorable dwarf will—“ (breaking into coughing) Okay, fuck it, I’m done with the voice for the night. I’ve blown it.
DM: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Inferian: It’s done. I can’t speak any more without hurting.
Calinai: Well it’s your own dumbass fault.
Inferian: It probably is.
Falgrim: You need to get it healed!
Inferian: Someone learn regenerate.

The banter about destinations and locations ranges on for a while, not containing much substance, but occasionally stumbling upon the periphery of madness…

Inferian: Oh, who made a golem whore? It’s like the Real Doll of D&D.

…and further and weirder before pulling back to stuff actually happens.

DM: As your group pores over the Great Book of Gummi and discusses your travel plans, next to you—
Inferian: Hitler. Dead babies.
DM: …we kind of avoided that this week.
Calinai: Just wear that shirt around.. “Hitler. Dead Baby.” Just that combination of words, wear it around town, see what happens.
DM: Just sent it to T-Shirt Hell, ask them to make a custom shirt out of it, see what they do.
Calinai: They would do it for free. “You actually want this shirt?”
DM: Do up a graphic of Hitler in a chef’s outfit, pulling the lid off a dinner tray, just see if he grabs onto the idea.
Calinai: No words, just that picture.

A moment of silence.

Inferian: Oh, the dead baby can be in blackface.
DM: See, now we’ve added to it.
Calinai: And it has a little Jew beaner on it.
Sioneva: A pink triangle pin on the diaper.
Calinai: It’s a gay baby. It’s a gay, blackface Jew baby.
Falgrim: (awed) Woooooooow.
DM: Let’s consider the legacy to be significantly added to…

The group ponders an instance in which the transcriber will accidentally broadcast this conversation in public and be forced to hang himself, apparently unaware that the transcriber is just going to be posting this publicly anyway.

Inferian: I seriously feel a little dirty now.
Calinai: Did we cross another line?
Inferian: Unclean!
DM: You’re poring over a map trying to make travel plans for the group. The Queen is still turning pages in the book, asking for a little help translating here and there. Most all of you can help with that. “It’s a terribly interesting tome you have here.”
Inferian: “Yeah, we… had an interesting time getting it.”
DM: “Oh I know all about that.”

Ominous silence.

DM: Yeah, well look who it is!
Inferian: “Get him!”
DM: Yeah, as you’re all kind of poring over the papers, suddenly, there’s a man standing there who wasn’t a moment ago!

With the sudden reappearance of Sadler – everyone TRIES to start attacking, but the hour is late and the battle will surely be epic, and so the game ends with the promise of violence and mayhem to come!