We at last return to the glorious world of I-don’t-know-the-name-of-the-world… having missed out on a session somewhere due to the corruption of an audio file, it seems. The players had recovered the Eyes of Kalroth, discovered an entrance to the duergar kingdom, and subsequently retreated. Then destroyed the entrance with a duergar mining machine. The players note they have very few magic items.

Aiden: This is where our magic items are! All these goddamn scrolls… and wands…
Hanzo: Isn’t it a crappy loot system?
Aliarra: But accurate.
Hanzo: Oh yes, ‘accurate’. Those Dark Iron Dwarves we just slaughtered were carrying a uh, a, a stone of..
Aiden: A scroll of prayer!
Hanzo: Yes, a scroll of plant growth. That’s what you need in dwarven mines, is a scroll of plant growth. It’s ‘accurate’. It’s fair, I’ll take that. It’s accurate? Get that shit out of here.
Aiden: You killed a boar, what do you find in the boar? A scroll of bull’s strength.
Aliarra: You know, that’s some big words coming from a guy who complains every time his money is not in straight gold piece denomination.
Hanzo: It’s silly!
Aiden: I’m convinced that Star Wars: the Old Republic was invented by you, because you don’t credits from ANYbody. You get all this gray shit that you gotta go back and sell it to the goddamn vendor. But luckily your partner can do it every now and then, so… you built the game, then someone else came in and said, “Whoa whoa whoa, let’s have the companion go out and sell it.”
Aliarra: All right, Aiden, let me ask you this: If I built the game, how many of those items are tapestries?
Aiden: They call it ‘circuit pads’, but I know a goddamn tapestry of the future!
Aliarra: I would make it tapestries straight out!
Hanzo: I don’t mind tapestries..
Aiden: The only piece of loot you ever gave us that I really liked was that fucking chess set, because you described it, we have it sitting on our table now, which we need to play, which we WON’T play, I want to play my fucking lizard cleric!

Back to the recap! The players retreated, wrecked the tunnel, skipped the black ooze that was in the other cavern (which they just now discovered, and are relieved). Drusila and Ignir parted ways with the group, as Drusila’s family bakery was in trouble and needed her.

Hanzo: She got invited to Cupcake Wars.
Aliarra: That’s okay, because none of us had figured out why we were carrying a baker along on this incredible quest to save the world anyway.
Hanzo: She was like, the Castlevania baker, right? Like that was her primary thing?
Aliarra: She claimed to be. She wasn’t very good at it.

The characters then visited Faldoun, the head of the Skeldric church.

DM: He wasn’t quite as laid-back because he had problems. Apparently three ruffians had escaped jail, he named them as One-Eyed Rhinor, Isshim the Bull, and Nels the Heavy-Handed.
Aliarra: I don’t remember that, but I wish I had.
Hanzo: Didn’t we encounter one of them in an alley, ‘cuz we went after them?
Aiden: Why were we chasing them down an alley?
DM: They were criminals.
Hanzo: We were looking for them in the city, and there was a suspicious character down a dark alley…
DM: I don’t recall that.
Hanzo: Maybe that was another game.
The players had tracked the villains to the forest, and Hanzo is now up in the trees, having found a walkway which he had followed. The group found a hut in a clearing, with two men standing outside it and another in the walkway. This catching us up, the group now proceeds to roll intiative… after uncovering the battle mat.

Aiden: We’ve gone from adventurers to bounty hunters, let’s go!
Hanzo: I LIKE bounty hunting.
Aiden: Woo, bounty hunting!
Hanzo: (quoting something) “Ever been raped?”
Aliarra: Oh god, the rape starts…
Hanzo: “It is not my intention to hurt you. You interfere with my design, I will hurt you.”
Aliarra: “Ah say, son, ah say I’m not a chicken, I’m a rapist! That there is a chicken!” (is beaned by something Mrrshala heaves) Ow!

The players place their minis! In keeping with group tradition, the discussion immediately veers off into some talk about a completely unrelated franchise or three.

DM: Mrrshala, you are first up this time.
Aliarra: Quick, kill a baby.
Aiden: It’s a Nazi baby. Who is the resurrection of Hitler.
Aliarra: Nazi Hitler. Not the other one.
Aiden: As opposed to Jewish Hitler.
Mrrsahala: I’m not drinking enough for this shit.
Aiden: One night, when you guys don’t have to work on Monday, we’re all gonna play the drinking game with Hitler, dead baby, racism jokes, whenever any of that’s said, we gotta take a shot.

While Mrrshala waffles over what action to take, Aiden questions Aliarra on why she’s unable to drink. A prescription medication forbids both that and grapefruit for some reason.

DM: Let’s get you some Fresca.
Aliarra: You guys won’t be satisfied till I’m a corpse, will you.
DM: I just want to see you bloat up a little bit, that’s all.
Aliarra: I don’t think bloating is what it does.
DM: Find that out. Let me know.

Mrrshala advances on the big guy, Isshim the Bull. The guy in the trees fires four arrows at Mrrshala, and three of them strike her.

Mrrshala: Oh that’s just great.
Aliarra: You moved forward first, what did you expect?
Mrrshala: I expected someone to be healing my ass.
Aiden: I’ve got an initiative of 13, you just have to wait.
DM: For a grand total of twenty damage.
Mrrshala: There’s a quarter of my hit points.
Aiden: A quarter, that’s it?
Mrrshala: I’m a warblade!
Hanzo: So wait, barrels came out? I kinda missed – oh, arrows!
Aiden: Yeah, Donkey Kong’s up there, throwing barrels.
DM: A man dressed in simple robes comes up.
Hanzo: Uh-oh.
Mrrshala: Oh god.
Hanzo: Touch damage.
Aliarra: Prismatic spray!
Hanzo: Why would he move up to do that?
Aliarra: ‘Cuz he’s stupid.
Mrrshala: He’s a fucking monk.
Hanzo: Oh, he is a monk?
Aliarra: Then you’re not in any danger.
Hanzo: Yeah, because he’s not a vampire. He has no bread-and-butter bonus to make him somewhat less than suck.
DM: (rolling) Wow. Mrrshala, your armor has saved you this time. He’s like (cheesy martial arts moves) whaczha zha ha he—(miming his hand hitting something solid and crumpling) “Aaaaaaaaaaah!” Doesn’t help when he rolls 2 ones. So he broke one of his hands.

Aliarra and the big guy both step up into the melee line. Aliarra gets there slightly ahead of him thanks to a higher Dexterity and promptly rolls her AOO trip. Despite a crappy roll on his part, the Bull rolls worse, and he goes down as Aliarra’s free Improved Trip attack does 13 to him.

Hanzo: Maybe I should just sit this one out.
Aliarra: Hanzo rage-quits!
Hanzo: Ah, you guys don’t need me.
Aiden: Take care of that guy up in the tree!
Hanzo: Eh.
Aliarra: Hanzo is a dick.

Aiden threatens to start unleashing fire spells into the trees, but relents after realizing that’s the Drusila thing to do. Another guy steps up into melee… and Aliarra promptly trips him down as well. White Raven Tactics on herself sets her initiative to this round, and she whacks one of the prone dudes. Aiden steps forward and strikes the guy on the ground for seven. Hanzo snipes the archer, for only three points of damage… but the bolt is poisoned!

DM: He failed it.
Hanzo: He failed it? 15 extra points from the poison.
Aiden: That’s some vicious poison.
Aliarra: What’d he get hit by?
Hanzo: Sassone leaf residue. 2d12 to hp and Con secondary. That’s why I grabbed it. The save isn’t difficult but I actually get damage when I hit.
Mrrshala wallops the monk with Insightful Mind Strike, making his day worse. The DM starts rolling an attack for the archer.

Aliarra: I don’t threaten him.
DM: No. You DON’T. SURPRISINGLY.
Aliarra: Go go Gadget Glaive

Mrrshala takes 3 more arrows for 21 points of damage. The DM stares at the monk’s options and Aliarra’s massive threatened area, and elects to try and punch Mrrshala again. He fails. The big guy’s turn comes.

Aiden: “I’m just gonna lay here and die.”
DM: Let’s hope his AC holds up.
Aliarra: Is he standing? He takes 13 points of damage from my attack of opportunity.
Aiden: She prerolled it?
Aliarra: I knew it was coming!
DM: Is that considered a standard action, standing up, or a move?
Aiden: I’m pretty sure it’s a move.
DM: Let’s see if he redeems himself!
Aliarra: What’s he doing?
Aiden: He’s attacking, raaargh!
Aliarra: How’s he attacking? He’s ten feet away.
Aiden: Oh. Ha ha!
A brief flurry of discussion about how tripping works ensues, during which the DM realize how horrible the lockdown built really is. Hanzo challenges the DM to have him hurl the greataxe, while Aiden flashes back to the fleshgrinding masterslaying sword he got hit with.

DM: Do you have Combat Reflexes?
Aliarra: Fuck yes.
DM: …I figured you would. How many do you get?
Aliarra: Three. I’ve used up one so far.

The foe begins to drink a potion! This happens so rarely that no one is quite certain if it provokes an AOO or not.

Aiden: Can’t he… defensively drink his potion?
Hanzo: Well, going by the game that you were playing a little while ago, certainly not.
Aliarra: Like in Skyrim, where you can just slam fifteen potions.
Aiden: That game would be impossible if you could not slam potions down.

Aliarra hits him for 14 points of damage, negating the effect of the healing potion.

Aliarra: “I’m healed! I’m not…”
DM: Well, at least he’s still in the fight.
Aliarra: He chugs it! His wounds heal! Then open back up again.
DM: “Aaaah – come on. Really?”

Aliarra whacks the potion-drinking dude on her action. Her opponent on the same action grabs her ankle from the ground, but she passes a Will save. Aiden throws out some healing. Mrrshala’s turn comes up, but as usual, she’s in the bathroom. The group advises Hanzo to upgrade his weapon.

Hanzo: “I’ll remember that next time I’m at the ninja village!”
Aliarra: …that’s not the Hanzo voice.
Hanzo: It’s not?
DM: Christian Bale.
Aiden: Christian Bale.
Hanzo: Christian Bale?
DM: As Batman.
Hanzo: That’s not the Hanzo voice.
DM: It was at the very beginning.
Aliarra: It wasn’t what you described it as but it’s what it sounded like.

The group rags on Christian Bale’s Batman voice. The DM bemoans how much better the PCs are rolling than the opponents.

DM: I’m siccing more dwarves on you.
Aliarra: Dwarves… dwarf centaurs, they have the +4 stability bonus, the +4 multiple legs, and the +4 for large size.
DM: And they also have Mobility…
Aiden: And they also have Boots of Anti-Tripping.
Hanzo: Spring Attack! Spring Attack!
Aliarra: By the time they get up to a level where those are actually sensible, I’ll get an attack of opportunity for pretty much everything. That’s the eventual goal. No matter what the opponent does, they get an attack of opportunity.
Aiden: You keep doing that, eventually all we’re gonna fight is wizards. It’s gonna be as far away as can be… He comes up with a new spell, ‘one way force wall’…
DM: Any other ideas I can write down, I mean, uh…
Aiden: We walk into combat, flame wall, poison gas mist, just all these layers are in your way. Fireball, fireball, fireball.
DM: Why can’t this be second edition with those alternative rules where I can fucking sever your leg with an arrow.

The DM is referencing the Player’s Option: Combat and Tactics critical rules, which were kind of insane. The discussion verges to the larger issue of some of the Player’s Option rules, such as a game where characters bought phobias for building points.

DM: That was the same game [an old gamer friend] had Awkward Casting Method, he had to tie a bra on his head every time he had to cast a spell.
Aliarra: Those were some fucked-up rules.
DM: I think our cleric had to shout all his verbal components at the top of his lungs… All right, we’re going back around. Mrrshala, please, put someone out of their misery, this combat is not going as well as I had hoped.
Aliarra: We just want it to be over, now, this is an embarrassment.
DM: I put all this work into the NPCs and you guys are just taking them apart…
Hanzo: I feel your pain.
Aiden: And I gave you guys too much fucking power, I had to throw 300 hit point guys at you. “Oh, you just did 500 points…”
Hanzo: It’s not MY fault he was an engine of destruction!
Aiden: There was a character in that game who had 1200 hit points! And you guys killed him in four turns.

Hanzo endures three more arrows, putting his total to 6 sticking out of him.

Hanzo: Starting to feel like Boromir over here.
DM: (rolls dice, stares at them, then angrily sweeps them aside) Fine! You know what! Fuck this dude! I’m done with him! (grabbing the mini) Tumble to safety and – chhhhk! (depicting the mini flipping upside-down, then collapsing)
Aliarra: He rolled a 1 on his Tumble.
DM: I put him out of his misery, he broke his neck.
Aliarra: He didn’t even roll a 1, you just killed him.
DM: No, he rolled a 1. He actually rolled a fucking 1.
Aliarra: Oh, so he’s about as effective as any monk.
DM: Nels the Heavy-Handed… you suck.
Aliarra: He needs a mulligan.
DM: We’re gonna resurrect him later and bring him back.
Hanzo: As a vampire.
Aliarra: Unfortunately he’s under the proper rules set, his punches don’t count as natural attacks. (making a punch gesture, then shrugging, and making a crude side-armed gesture) Aww screw it. THAT drained your level. Don’t ask me why -- (punching gesture) that doesn’t and (slamming gesture) that does.
Aiden: I look at it more as you’re scratching, you’re digging the nails in there.
Aliarra: No, it’s a ‘slam’ attack. It’s not a claw attack, it is a SLAM attack that drains the level.

Hanzo goes back to crapping on monks, while Aiden defends them. Isshim attempts to engage in melee again, and thanks to a very high die roll, avoids the trip and strikes for 24 points of damage. Aliarra returns a blow and heals herself in turn. The guy behind them continues to feebly crawl away; Aliarra uses White Raven Tactics on Mrrshala.

Hanzo: Hoo hoo hoo, possible crit! …which is not actually that great for my ranged weapon…

The DM rolls another one for reasons I don’t even know, but he’s mad that it was there. Mrrshala smacks around the dude on the ground.

Hanzo: I’m not taking another volley of arrows from this bastard – WOO HOO HOO! Hoo hoo hoo sixteen points of Constitution damage!
Aliarra: Holy shit!
Hanzo: He shot me like 18 times, I’m using the good stuff on him now!
DM: He doesn’t have that much Con.
Hanzo: And that was a critical arrow strike on top of it.
DM: That put him down to -4 Con. Wow, he actually had a decent amount of hit points left…
Hanzo: “Sub-Zero… wins.”

The DM attempts to write off the combat as simple karma, since the dwarves had done some serious damage to the player characters in the last brawl. Aiden burns away the crawling guy with a spell. Isshim drops his greataxe and surrenders. The conversation immediately wanders far afield.

Aliarra: I’ve actually heard that the samurai class is worse than the ninja.
Hanzo: Translation: Wizards of the Coast hates Orientals.

Hanzo ties up Isshim, complaining about tying up the free corpse-hauling labor as he does. In usual tradition, they loot the bodies, coming up with some armor and weapons and items and whatnot. The Super Bowl having just concluded in the background, the players take a moment to crack witticisms at the expense of football. In the hut they find a hidden trap door, with a locked chest in it.

Hanzo: I think Aliarra has a big key somewhere.
Aliarra: It’s called a crowbar.

Hanzo attempts to use ‘trapfinding’, for the dozenth time, despite it being a passive ability. He does in fact find a trap.

Hanzo: Hold on. Wait. “HOLD ONNNNNN!”
Aliarra: “I just. Want. My phone call.”
Hanzo: That’s great! Even though you haven’t dropped a pun tonight, even if you had, it would be automatically forgiven.
Aiden: You get point for a bad pun. You got points stored up for the next one.
DM: You get one pun. That’s all.

Sadly, Disable Device is not a class skill for the ninja, so he can’t disable it. Lacking the ability to open the lock anyway, Aliarra pops open the chest from the hinge side with a 24 on a Strength check, then promptly shrugs off the sleep gas. The gained experience pushes them over to seventh level! A long diversion occurs as the players level themselves. They start hauling the bodies off.

DM: You turn over the dude who was crawling away and burnt mercifullessly and you notice his face. You know this man.
Aliarra: What the?
DM: You know him as Meckel. He was an initiate with you in the temple of Skeldric.
Aliarra: My god… Skeldric.
DM: You advanced much quicker than he did, you remember him being spiteful and jealous. Interestingly, you notice his holy symbol is no longer that of Skeldric’s.
Aliarra: What is it?
DM: You recognize – roll me a Knowledge(religion).
Hanzo: Kalroth!
Aliarra: 28.
DM: You recognize it as the holy symbol of Oberris. She is the goddess of greed and jealousy.

The DM and Aliarra get into a squabble over Aliarra’s backstory. Aliarra swears.

Aliarra: “By the black hairy balls of Kalroth’s ten children, three of which were female!”

The NPC becomes a family friend instead to better mesh with the backstory, with the same jealousy motivations and whatnot.

Aliarra: Since we’re all walking anyway, we’ll just have him walk by our side. Still tied up. We’re not letting him go.
DM: I know, I just didn’t understand whether you were leashing him to the mule or not.
Aliarra: No, that would just end in tears, the mule gets startled and runs off, dragging him all the way.
DM: All you find are arms.
Aliarra: “Damn it, he’s free! Can we get one-fifth of the reward for these?” “Why didn’t we just follow the trail of blood?” “Because we don’t have a ranger.” “But he’s right there!” “I’m sorry, we can’t use Search to follow it, we can only find it.”
Aiden: All right, activate your Batman vision.
DM: “Unconscious.” Right. His Batvision just TELLS him that.
Aliarra: Oracle reprogrammed it at some point.
Aiden: Nobody’s dead in that game. Everybody’s unconscious, after he just beat the shit out of him.
DM: I don’t think anybody could get up after that. It’s like, good lord, Batman. Some of them had to have shattered vertebrae and spinal damage and shit. Probably like parapalegics all over the place now.

The party returns to town unaccosted, and haul both their live and dead bounties back to collect. They immediately head in to see Faldoun.

DM: All right, you open the great doors, and there, ahead, you see him kneeling down with his sword.
Aliarra: “Oh Skeldric, I pray that no one interrupts my prayers this night.”
Aiden: “For some crappy news. I hope I don’t see that bastard lady again.”
Aliarra: “Or the perverted priest.”
Aiden: I’m outside, I’m not going in!
Aliarra: Get your ass in here!
Aiden: I don’t wanna bother the man. I’m a priest, I don’t want to bother another priest when he’s doing duties. He’s in there fondling some small boy, you’re interrupting him.
Aliarra: He’s a priest of Skeldric, not whatever the hell you’re a priest of.
Aiden: Hey, we’re the priest of big titties, that’s what we deal in, but little boys don’t have big titties so I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m on the furry side of the aisle.
DM: That’s the first road to success. Admitting you have a problem.
Aliarra: Yeah, let’s get him enrolled in his temple’s ten-step program to overcoming Mrrshalan addiction.
Mrrshala: BANGLASHARAN addiction!
Aiden: What’re you talking about? Where do you think the addiction CAME from?
Aliarra: A 12-step program?!
Aiden: Yes, to have the addiction! No one else will go there. They’re like, “You got some followers over in the catland, who wants to go?” Everyone else is like no, no, no, no, I’m like, “I’ll go?” “Okay, go over to that room.” I go in. Come out. “Oh, I like tails! For some reason.”
Aliarra: They prop your eyes open and force you to watch scene after scene of hardcore Banglasharan porn.
Aiden: “Where did you guys even FIND these things?!”
An extremely long pause. Faldoun finally greets them.

Faldoun: “Did you get them?”
Aliarra: “Two corpses and a prisoner.”
Hanzo: “Three corpses and a prisoner.”
Aliarra: “Three corpses and a prisoner. I forgot about that one guy because he was so inconsequential to our fight on the ground.”
Aiden: Wait, we killed the monk too? Oh wait, he killed himself.
DM: God damn low-rolling fucking monk. I’m like, let me see if I can redeem the monk class – not this time around.
Aliarra: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You set yourself a goal and you failed at it. The dice were like, “We cannot allow this to stand.” The ghost of Gygax rises up and touches your dice!

The players discuss what reward they’ll be getting, eventually deciding on a new outfit that can be selected in the Options menu. It’s actually about 2000 gold.

Aiden: I was thinking he’d pull that card. “You have the thanks of this church… and the blessings of Skeldric.”
DM: “You will be tithing THIS much to the church… and 200 to you.”
Aiden: As soon as we leave, instead of the giving plate, there’s a giving bucket.
DM: “Give generously… or we’ll knock you out.”
Aliarra: Skeldric’s the badass god, so the statues that hold the giving trays are actually golems.
Aiden: There’s these two big guards holding bastard swords watching you while you give…
Alirra: They’re golems so if you don’t put money in while you pass, they animate and start smacking you around with the plates.
Aiden: No, if they succeed in grappling you, they lift you up and shake you, as money pours from your coffers. Then they toss you out. “HAVE A GOOD DAY.”
Aliarra: “My lord, this may be why we don’t have many followers.”
DM: “But we’re rich.”
Aliarra: “All it takes is one.”

The DM starts revealing the nature of the many magic items, and much time is spent divvying them up or selling them. Hanzo bemoans the difficulty in returning to his hidden ninja village or finding a safehouse for it nearby.

Hanzo: You look for the Deathly Hallows symbol on the wall of the shop. “Ah, friendly to ninjas here!”
Aliarra: “I’m sorry, we’re looking for the Deathly Hallows, not friendly ninjas.”
Hanzo: I swear, one of those thieves’ guild symbols looks exactly like the Deathly Hallows. It’s a triangle with a circle in it, and I don’t think the line is directly through the circle but there’s a line, it’s the same thing as the Deathly Hallows.
Aliarra: Yeah, the circle is Burglar, the triangle is Nurglar, and the line is Shurglar.
Hanzo: (incoherent from laughter) Thieves’ caaaaaaant!
DM: You go out for a night on the town.
Aliarra: Buy some drinks.
Hanzo: Aliarra’s a lush.
Aliarra: Yes. That’s exactly what I’m doing. Getting my drink on. Tonight I try every form of absinthe in the kingdom.
Mrrshala: Trying to forget her sins.
Aiden: What’re you talking about? She hasn’t gotten drunk and slept with me by mistake, and woke up and got drunk again because she regretted the fact.
Aliarra: You wouldn’t want to sleep with me anyway, I don’t have fur!
Hanzo: Well, how often do you get to tend to things under the armor?
Aiden: Hey, just because I prefer it doesn’t me I don’t go other ways.
Aliarra: Once you go furry, to come back you’re not in a hurry.
Aiden: You used your point, you’ve USED your point!

The DM briefly sulks because the players seem unwilling to play out a Gather Information roll on the old family friend of Aliarra’s. They end up roleplaying it anyway, though little comedy results. Aliarra discovers a teamwork benefit that adds bonuses to resist trips, and is horrified, but then discovers one that lets the entire group cut down on rest time, and is delighted. With the end of the night approaching, the group wraps up!