Our game begins with Inferian and Calinai furiously rolling dice.

Inferian: Let’s have a new character fight-off! Whoever comes out of the womb best wins!

Inferian’s is stronger; Calinai’s is superior in every other way, including an 18 Int and 17 Wisdom. Calinai curses the fact that she wasn’t actually rolling a character.

DM: In passing, when the Queen dismisses you from her chambers, the halfling ambassador asks you to meet him in his camp in the morning. He has business to discuss which would unfortunately keep you there too, unless you choose to leave without him.
Calinai: Naw, we’ll wait. Might as well see the people who’re gonna betray us later.
Inferian: Meta. Meta.
Calinai: That’s not meta, that’s my character being paranoid.
Inferian: No, because you weren’t using your ‘sweet little girl’ voice.
DM: (cackling)
Inferian: If you guys are gonna take everything I say that’s not in my “ahh raah raaah voice”… For reference, the reason why I never asked all my guys about that dragon stuff were, A, I kinda had a hint, and B, I figured if I asked them too closely it would damage my prestige amongst them. “Lord Dragon!” “That’s me. What is it?”

Calinai demands treasure… despite them having done nothing to earn it. The DM insists the halflings aren’t gonna betray them.

DM: So Benar comes up to you and says, “You know, Lord Dragon, I’ve been thinking, I think our troop would look much better with jackboots. So I’ve taken the liberty of approaching the city’s finest cobbler and having them all made!”
Inferian: “I suppose that’s okay. How’s the work on that new march going?”
DM: “DRAGON! DRAGON! DRAGON!”
Inferian: “Do they have to step so HIGH when they march?”
Calinai: I’m calling it the dragonstep. I’ve sent some of the boys down to Swerengin’s castle, they’re gonna try it out for him.
Inferian: “Also sir, to honor you, from now on we’ll only speak in Draconic, which in this world sounds exactly like German.”
DM: That’s how I’ll work Hitler into the actual gaming world, I’ll turn Inferian INTO Hitler.

The passage of time occurs! The group looks at spellbook rules for the first time since they started gaming together. The DM assumes that Falgrim isn’t going out to market, just for beer.

Inferian: If there’s brew, there’s him too.
Falgrim: That’s terrible.
Inferian: If there’s ale, he’s there without fail.
Calinai: Oh… god.
Inferian: If there’s brandy, it’s like a kid to candy.
DM: Keep ‘em going. Keep going.
Sioneva: If there’s booze, he can’t lose.
Inferian: If there’s whiskey, he’s feeling frisky.
DM: Did you do wine already?
Calinai: If there’s wine, there’s always time?
DM: Ehhhhh… yeah, there’s only so much that’ll rhyme with wine.
Inferian: If there’s wine, the tab he’ll sign.
DM: Continue. Your roleplaying XP will have a multiplier added to it depended on how many of these you can do without fail.
Inferian: A fractional multiplier.
Sioneva: Times zero.
DM: Only half of zero.

A lot of jokes at the expense of Inferian’s minions occur. The DM laboriously rolls a combat between a mook and the apple he’s trying to eat, only to rule that all the mooks have starved to death. Inferian notes that the halflings will be converted, then.

DM: “We represent the Dragon-Worshippers!”

The group heads out the west gate, to the chaotic halfling camp, but it’s so early only a launderer and the orcish guard are awake.

Inferian: You guys be there early. We won’t be ready. DICKS.
DM: As you approach, one member of the orcish guard asks your business.
Calinai: We were told to meat –oh god, my voice!
DM: No, remember, we all speak -- (raspy) “like this now.”
Inferian: “It’s contagious.”

The players vow to make the DM do all the voices for all their characters by campaign end. The orcs are generally dicks to the players, giving them shit. Inferian threatens them with the booterang. It goes to Warcraft 2 quotes. Everyone checks to see if they speak orcish!

DM: He’s not saying anything particularly insulting, he’s just saying, like, which of those louts wants to do the babysitting.
Calinai: Before we leave, I’ll do a cordial bow and thank him in perfect orcish.
Inferian: Please Benar, tell me I didn’t take orcish for you… Oh good, I didn’t write down his languages, that’s less trouble he can cause.
DM: None of them immediately pipes up, and then one’s finally like, what’s in it for the one that gets stuck with it?
Calinai: I want to intercept that with doing like a fake seductress, “I’ll reward him,” and just walk away. In orcish.
DM: Three orcish eyebrows raise in perfect unison!
Inferian: Along with a few human with that response. We don’t know what was said, but that response.
DM: The senior in the chain of command then decides…
Calinai: Ha ha, all of sudden he wants to go!
DM: “I suppose I can be away for a bit.
Falgrim: Give him a copper at the end. “That’s for your time.”
Inferian: “Now where’s my change?”

Somehow it becomes all about beating halflings in a sack against a wall. They follow the orc into the center of the encampment.

Inferian: 40 halflings pop up from cover with crossbows trained on us. FIRE!
DM: That’s what YOU would do. Why would the halflings want to murder you?!
Inferian: For our loot.
DM: Well, when you put it that way…
Calinai: Is there inter-species erotica in your world?
DM: What?! Well, there’s half-orcs, and half-elves…

Calinai plans to get thrown out of Blizzcon asking this question. They’re taken to the finest tent in the encampment, at which the ambassador steps out to greet them. The halflings and orcs start striking the camp as they watch.

DM: You’re not quite sure what to make of what’s inside the tent.
Inferian: Whores! Halfing whores!
Calinai: Are we gonna have, like, Secret of Mana travel here? Are we gonna jump into a cannon and get launched across a continent?
DM: It almost seems to be something of a long rectangular home, but you can’t really identify any doors--
Calinai: It’s a Winnebago with wings!
DM: Windows—
Inferian: A Wingabago?
DM: Now it begins to take on more of a wagonish shape as you see some of the halflings attaching crude wheels to parts of the object. Of course, a wagon of this size would require lots of… a rather big horse train to pull.
Inferian: Or an army of minions!
DM: “It so happens this contraption can get us there rather quickly, and unlike horses, needs no rest or sustenance!”
Inferian: I’ll roll Knowledge(psionics) in case it’s a psionic artifact, which I doubt.
DM: “In case you’re wondering, it’s not psionic.”
Inferian: “That is very convenient to know.”
DM: “The ogre can do many things with their crafting skills, but this does not fall within it!”
Inferian: The ogre. It’s just like one dude who’s really competent.
DM: The plural is the same form as the singular, like ‘deer’.
Inferian: I like my theory better. From now on it shall be canon.
Falgrim: He’s really fast, though.
Calinai: Is that what happens when we get on the boat? All of a sudden, two legs pop out, and zoom! It’s giant-powered.
Inferian: “So, this is the ogre’s work, huh, how does it work?” “Oh, well, when you’re ready you just push this button and the ogre picks it up and carries it.”
Calinai: This halfling comes out with wild hair. “Where we’re going we don’t NEED ogres.”

The device doesn’t have a name but will probably be named after the first successful voyage – which they’re about to take. The halfling reiterates that he’s willing to take them along.

Inferian: We’re guinea pigs. Wonderful.
Calinai: Oh my god… It’s a bloody LANDBOAT campaign! We’re going on a landboat murder mystery – you know what guys? “You know, um, I don’t know about this landboat, and, uh…”
DM: It’s not big enough for something like that to take place.
Calinai: We’re all strapped in and someone just dies.
Inferian: “We’re gonna blame you guys unless you can figure out who it was.”
Calinai: Wererats, you can just barely make them out.
Falgrim: A gremlin on the wing…

The halfling leads them up onto it, and they place their goods in trapdoors on the machine. The passengers, however, ride on top of the machine.

Inferian: I roll a 32 on my Bluff check.
Calinai: What are you bluffing?
Inferian: To show no fear.
Calinai: Are you scared of these things normally?
Inferian: The idea that we’ll be travelling on some untested mechanical semi-magical device hurtling through the atmosphere to conduct a journey of two weeks in far less time? You know, normally, all right, but the fact that it’s not fully tested yet--!
Calinai: We’re gonna find out that this far-less time is like, two days shorter.
DM: What was your bluff?
Inferian: 32, thanks.
Calinai: They see through your bluff. They see you shitting yourself. They can smell the shit coming out of your pants.
Falgrim: Roll that Bluff to blame it on somebody else.
DM: “You seem quite eager to be at the helm!”
Calinai: “We’re gonna put you in the first seat, the most risky seat of all!”
DM: “Since you’re so eager!” There are straps to secure you – there’s not exactly chairs, it’s more like divots for you to all get down in.
Inferian: My fear’s starting to seem a little more reasonable now! A ‘divot’.
DM: I don’t know what the proper term would be, but there’s a decline in the top, so it’s not gonna be like you sitting on top and you’ll fall right out of it.
Falgrim: We’ll just ROLL right out of it.
Sioneva: “Don’t suppose you’ve got any liquid courage on you, Falgrim…”
Falgrim: “Of COURSE I do, but I might be needing it!”
Sioneva: “Damn.”
Falgrim: “Here, take a nip, we lass.”
DM: One of the storage compartments built in…
Inferian: Nothin’ but liquid courage.
DM: It’s well-stocked. “We are, at heart, a merchant train after all.”

Falgrim and Calinai continue to attempt to roll against Inferian, who still manages to throw down awesome Bluff checks. Even Sioneva gets in on the act.

Inferian: I just love how you guys are all eager to unmask my deceit.
Falgrim: I’m leery, you’re the only one who’s not scared.
Calinai: Or talking a lot.
Inferian: I’m a fanatic! I’m also not talking a lot!
Calinai: That’s what I’m saying, you normally talk a lot.
DM: Inferian’s fearless approach to this endeavor has inspired you all.

A halfling takes place on a station the back, pulling levers and turning dials. With an immense ruckus, the machine begins vibrate, then move forward. The PCs watch Inferian like frickin’ vultures, waiting for his mask to slip, or his bowels, either or. Within a few moments, it’s sped up to the level of a cantering horse.

DM: “This is nothing! Just wait until we get moving!” More steam out the sides. You’re not at what you’d rate about a trot, and you can see the road in front of you. Soon enough, the device slowly turns onto the road and begins picking up speed once more. Pretty soon you’re a good trot’s pace. Not long after that, the speed has picked up to about double that, you’re now up to a horse’s speed in full stride, starting to pass the Whitecloak encampment.

In unison, the players flip off the Whitecloak encampment.

DM: Well, you’re not going that fast. “AFTER THEEEEEEEM!”
Falgrim: “This thing better be picking up speed real quick!”
Sioneva: Calinai! Grease!
Inferian: Prepare to repel boarders!
Falgrim: Get the gaff hooks!
DM: There are some very confused looks on the faces of the sentries you can see over the sides, down on the ground.
Calinai: I was expecting, “There’s MAGIC at work! MAAAAAGIIIIIC!” Cross-eyed with rage.
DM: Curiously enough, you don’t believe you’ve detected any.
Calinai: I mean, they’re just assuming it’s magic.
Inferian: Because they’re dicks.

They continue on at this full-gallop pace well past the time they would’ve needed to rest horses. At midday, the device begins slowing down and everyone has to pile off.

DM: “Well, what do you think?”
Falgrim: “It was pretty intense.”
DM: You’ve come probably about a full day’s journey in about half a day.
Calinai: “Quite a brilliant device you have here.”
DM: “Well, we’re not sure quite how much more of a quick pace we can maintain. But I felt it was best to stop for now just for my engineer to examine what’s going on with the innards of this device.”
Calinai: “I’m surprised it does not require some sort of fuel or energy source that needs to be maintained.”
DM: “Well of course this is the case, but we don’t want to go divulging TOO many of our secrets to you.”
Calinai: “No, it’s understandable.”

Everyone runs off to cop a squat, except Calinai, who is playing with a dice-rolling program on her ‘magic mage tablet’. Falgrim pulls out a fart app on his own ‘magic tablet’. After this entertaining interlude, they clamber back onto the device, which reaches a higher speed this time. Calinai demands Inferian roll Bluff again. The countryside downright blurs past them. They’re sweeping the road clean of travelers, too, to the party’s amusement. As dusk descends, they do in fact have to go pry a deer they hit off the front.

Sioneva: “It’s gonna be dinner.”
DM: It has been dead for a couple of hours, but…
Inferian: There’s also a finely ground-up paste of gnomes beneath the wheels.
Calinai: Santa Claus!
DM: Dobson looks over the corpse with a mixture of dismay and curiosity. “Well, this is an unexpected benefit. Too bad for the poor creature, though.”
Falgrim: Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!
Inferian: …was it off?
Calinai: I wish one of the orcs would’ve yelled that out.

After a hearty dinner of venison stew, the group beds down. The night passes uneventfully, somehow. The players attempt to feed Inferian his own minions. Dobson tells them the device is performing splendidly and he’ll be ratcheting up the speed again today.

Calinai: He’s been pushing it and pushing it, this is not gonna end well!
Inferian: You guys were all afraid when this started too, you’re us just looking at me because I’m the only one who wouldn’t show it.
Calinai: I’m a mage, I’ve been to the experimental section of the mage’s hall, I’m sure they’ve done some experimental things that were FAR more dangerous than this thing…
DM: If your luck holds out he intends to have you at your destination at the end of this day.
Calinai: Wow. He did two weeks in two days.
Inferian: I think we all just got a little more worried.

After a brief period of rest, the vehicle accelerates to such a speed that the group is no longer even able to communicate. Dobson calls a halt later.

DM: “If there’s anything you want to, you have to take care of, do it now. I think I’ll actually get us there.”
Inferian: (miming writing) “Last… Will… and Testament…”

On the final leg of the journey, the device increases to hearing-damage levels as the players squabble over the lone scroll of Cure Deafness.

DM: The noise abruptly ceases, although the noise of the vehicle lumbering along the road is still present.
Inferian: “I hope it was supposed to do that.”
DM: (various ominous mechanical noises)
Inferian: “That didn’t sound good…”
DM: It’s a typical steam discharge that you’re accustomed to… although there was a bit of black mixed into it.
Inferian: “That’s not good!” I brace for impact.
DM: Ahead, though the road stretches out for a while, you can see at this point there’s a body of water. As the road abruptly ends some way ahead of you, you’re definitely not going to be able to continue on.

The DM reassures them that it was a planned stop! This is as far as the coach can transport them. They can see the mountains in the distance, and on the river, a ferry.

Inferian: What kind of ferry?
Calinai: The gay kind.
Inferian: I need my hearts back.
DM: There’s a broad ferry that can transport…
Inferian: Hee hee, broad ferry. It’s the fat fairy from Link to the Past.
DM: Looks like a couple dozen people could be accommodated by this fairy.
Inferian: That’s what she said.

Everyone yells at Inferian for a while. Calinai cheerfully predicts the coach will explode as soon as they get on the ferry.

DM: The ferryman, if that’s who he is, is standing open-mouthed and slack-jawed, seeing you all emerge from this contraption. “Uh… greetings, milords!”
Inferian: The second Benar looks like he’s going to speak up, I’m gonna hush him.
DM: “Would you be wanting passage on the ferry, then?”
Calinai: We still need somebody who needs special attention. “Where’s your SPECIAL house? I’m looking for some ‘entertainment’… of the ‘female variety’…”
DM: He calls out –
Inferian: “WHORES!”
DM: A few moments later about half a dozen—
Inferian: WHORES!
DM: Able-bodied—
Inferian: WHORES!
DM: Whores come out to pull you across the river. You don’t seem to be getting much of anywhere, since for some reason these able-bodied whores are not as able-bodies as…
Calinai: As should be needed to pull this fucking boat.
Inferian: They’re able-bodied in an entirely different sense.
Sioneva: That’s all right, you flop ‘em on your back and make ‘em pull by their toes. Then we’ll get across just fine.

The village on the other side has thatch-roofed cottages, so the players frantically prepare for imminent burnination. Despite this, it’s a sleepy town full of straight-up farmfolk.

Calinai: They even have a sign that says, “I’m a straight-up farmfolk.” They’re all just carrying their pitchforks around town.
Inferian: Some of them aren’t even moving, they’re just standing in place.
Calinai: They’re just doing this: (walking in place)
Inferian: “Welcome to our faming village. Welcome to our farming village.”
Falgrim: “Would you please get out of my way?”
Inferian: “Welcome to our farming village!”
Falgrim: “Aaaagh.”
DM: “Magic keys! They unlock any door. Dost thou wish to purchase one for 150 gold? Here, take this key, does thou wish to purchase more? Here, take this key, does thou wish to purchase more? Here, take this key, does thou wish to purchase more? I’m afraid you can’t hold any more keys.”
Falgrim: How do you know?!

A villager greets them with the puzzling news that other visitors had just come to this town: a man and woman in fancy dress. The lady also directs them to the local inn, the proprietor of which is also the mayor!

Inferian: “You have my thanks for the information. Ding! (miming a coin-flip) It’s a copper. Ain’t givin’ her no fucking gold.
DM: You’re learning!
Inferian: I never made that mistake to begin with, thank you!

They head for the out-of-place three-story stone-foundation inn. The mayor-slash-innkeep greets them and asks what brings them here.

Inferian: “I believe Falgrim here wishes to sample some of your apple brandy, and as for the bulk of us, we seek a guide.”
Falgrim: “I would like a guide too… But I’ve heard the apple brandy here is good.
DM: “Right away! A guide, you say?”
Inferian: “Indeed. We are told that a manor hall belonging to the kingdom of long ago exists up in these mountains. Though rarely visited, as we are given to understand, we intend to visit it.”
DM: “Hmm. I’m not sure about any mountain home, but some of these mischievous lads in the village, they do go up adventuring in the mountains from time to time…”

They banter back and forth for a bit. The innkeeper speaks of the ‘lord and lady’ who came through earlier.

DM: “Very kind souls they are, plenty of curiosity, and plenty of generosity.”
Falgrim: Crap, we gotta tip well…
DM: Well, well for these folk. The copper that he tossed was, well, you know.
Falgrim: MY COPPER IS MY OOOOOWWWN!
DM: Mostly what they use coin currency for is the odd merchant wagon that might happen through. Otherwise, they all trade each other in wool and meats.
Inferian: “Thank you for your help. Here’s your tip.” (miming handing over a chicken, complete with sound effects) “Why did you have that?” “For just this sort of situation.”
Falgrim: “How did you keep that alive?”
Inferian: “I’m very good.”
Falgrim: “Apparently.”
Inferian: “I have many ways of which you do not know.”
Falgrim: “Do you have Profession(animal handling)?”
Inferian: “…maybe a little…” I’ve been keeping them hypnotized in my robes. In their hypnotic state they’re in suspended animation.” “Hey, that chicken looks mighty limp.” “Oh, I’m sorry.” (snaps fingers, then provides the sound effects for an awakened chicken)
Falgrim: “Still creeps me out every time I see it.”

The mayor thinks a moment, then decides to send a good-for-nothing boy and his friends to serve as their guides. Falgrim unthinkingly ogles the innkeeper’s daughter, and the players begin arguing over how old said daughter is and if Falgrim is in trouble for looking.

DM: You would estimate between 16 and 18 years old.
Inferian: Okay, you’re not a pedophile.
Calinai: Whew, she is OLD.
Inferian: You’re a humanophile.
Falgrim: “I’m an equal opportunist.”
Inferian: So we should warn the Queen, is that what you’re saying?
Falgrim: Possibly.
Calinai: Our group is becoming worse than ever. He’s got his people going on about dragonborn, getting us in trouble. He is having sex with every half-ranking female there is—
Inferian: Hey, he’s WANTING to have sex with every high-ranking female, doesn’t mean he’s getting it!

They relax, enjoy food and drink, while the daughter in question fetches their prospective guide.

DM: She returns with a mischievous-looking lad of about the same age—
Inferian: They’re obviously in love.
DM: Heh heh. Well…
Falgrim: Hmmm.
Inferian: Falgrim thinks, “I’ve got to kill him to have a chance.”
DM: “Whatever you’re after, I didn’t do it.”
Inferian: Benar leaps forward. “SHOW SOME RESPECT WHEN SPEAKING TO THE LORD DRAGON!” Oh god dammit!
DM: The mayor speaks up. “Now lad, you haven’t even heard them speak yet! And they’ve only just arrived.”
Calinai: I can sense his betrayal.
Inferian: I feel like I’m going to be using Sense Motive a lot during this conversation.
DM: “So I doubt even you could’ve gotten up to anything in the way of mischief with them.
Inferian: (as a minion) “Sir! Sir! All our tents are missing!”
DM: He looks the lot of you over. His gaze lingers expectantly on the female members of your group, then finally appears to settle in to await your request.
Inferian: Would you care to do the honors, Calinai?
Calinai: “We’re trying to reach a particular manor to the north of here, I believe? A large, ancient structure.”

They boy knows where the place is, and agrees to take them for a fee and a promise of immunity to prosecution from the mayor. His name is Mallory, but goes by Mal. A couple of his friends will also be going along. Mal hits on Calinai.

Inferian: The innkeeper’s daughter slaps him.
Clainai: I’ve gained Summon Innkeeper’s Daughter, gives me a bonus against fresh individuals.
Inferian: “Either he doesn’t know what a Sedai is, or he doesn’t care. Which is more impressive?”
Calinai: “I’ll take it either way. This town is far enough out of the way that they might not run into my kind. We would probably avoid such a small town.”
Inferian: “Even though one of your kind apparently came through here earlier.”
Calinai: “Yes, it’s not entirely impossible. More than likely she passed through quite rapidly.”
Inferian: Hey, maybe he’s your guardian!
Calinai: (stony silence) “Always full of jokes. Put her there.” Shocking Grasp!
Inferian: Share Pain!

As the boy runs off, the group assesses their chances and their new companion.

Inferian: “He seems too callow to be of any trouble to us.”
Falgrim: “He’s a bit of a trickster, it seems, but he’s harmless.”
Inferian: “If you want me to have one of my men specifically guard your tent from unwanted company in the night, I can arrange for that.”
Falgrim: I thought he was talking to me for a sec. “What are you talking about?!”
Inferian: He’s very stupid. “Oh, this tent has a greatsword outside it, this must be the cute chick’s!”

A short time later, the boy and his companions are waiting outside with knapsacks. One is broader, the other is taller.

Inferian: How tall is he?
Calinai: Too tall. One foot taller than you’re willing to talk to.
Falgrim: “You’re far too tall, I can’t talk to you.”
Calinai: By the way, my next character’s gonna be able to throw money in case we run into that guy again. “Exactly one gold more than you’re willing to spend.” “Well that’s exactly two gold less than I’m willing to throw at you!”

The players attempt to rename the new boys “Fook” and “Shyte”, but really they’re Brand and Peregrin.

Inferian: I bid my men assemble.
Calinai: “ASSEMBLE!”
Sioneva: You’ve got the Avengers now, congratulations.
Calinai: No, you’ve got the Ginyu Force.

The players amuse themselves for a surprisingly long time by mocking the Ginyu Force. The group heads from the foothills into the mountainside, up a crude goat trail. Climb checks are rolled here and there, but no comedy results.

Calinai: Are you planning on writing in a guardian for me, because I’m kinda interested to find out how that happens.
Inferian: I’m telling you it’s this kid.
DM: I wouldn’t want it to be arbitrary…
Calinai: This kid WOULD be arbitrary.
Inferian: God forbid you have to pick one roleplay.
Calinai: It’s not like there’s been a fucking selection!
Inferian: There’ll be a tournament!

They climb for 45 minutes or so, starting to reach signs of the ruins or at least worked stone. The boys have never gone farther than this, and with light failing, the group elects to camp on the ledge they’re on. Mal refuses to leave, though. Mist begins to pour off the mountains.

Falgrim: “Well that isn’t ominous.”
Inferian: “It’s just weather. Wait till we hear the wolves howling. Fuck worgs!”
DM: “What shall we do!” Aren’t there thirteen of you? “Fifteen birds… sixteen birds… in five fir trees!”
Inferian: 20. “20 birds… in a similar amount of trees.”

The group merrily sings modified version of Tolkien goblin songs. The DM asks who’s taking watches, and is sternly reminded that they have mooks for that now.

DM: You’re all shaken awake during the night with what seems to be some urgency.
Inferian: Riiiiiiiise.
DM: Out of his sleeping roll comes Inferian, tied to it somehow!

Benar begins to speak, leading Inferian to immediately buff himself. Down the path to the plateau, some torches have appeared and a guttural language is audible – trollocs!

Falgrim: I unsheathe my greatsword. “Trollocs!”
Inferian: “They should not be allowed to live.”

Everyone stares at him, while the DM giggles.

Inferian: …am I wrong?
DM: Oh, you’re not wrong, it’s just in that voice the line becomes more priceless. The boys in horror shrink back from you, thinking that your raspy evil voice was referring to them!
Inferian: Wait, it gets worse. “We’d best go scout this situation.” (miming the deployment of his psicrystal)
DM: “Blood and bloody ashes, what is that thing?!”
Inferian: “It’s a crystal.’
DM: “Crystals don’t walk—“
Inferian: “That one does. Only when I command it to.”
DM: “Do you have another one?”
Inferian: “Only the one. That one’s a handful enough.”
DM: “Can I borrow it?”
Inferian: “I don’t think you want to.”
DM: You must not know him.
Inferian: Well, now that it can speak telepathically, it can give everyone an earful of its personality, which is stubborn as all fuck.
DM: So it’s walking back down the mountainside?
Inferian: I’m sending it to crawl back down and scout out the situation.
DM: Whenever I am dealing with your crystal, the visualization in my head is just a crystal with, like, arms and legs, on the cover of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy…

The mooks ready arrows while Sioneva prepares to set up a deadfall.

Sioneva: “Would you boys like to help me?”
DM: (silence)
Inferian: She’s got tiiiits!
Sioneva: Squeaka-squeaka, squeaka-squeaka!

The boys question how they’ll get back down if they wipe out the path, but the adventurers start listing off how many damn feet of rope they have. The crystal reports back several dozen trollocs, though only one half-man. Inferian calls for Calinai to make with some castings of Grease. The boys begin to get chickenly. As Falgrim takes the lead, Inferian’s minions ready themselves for combat.

Inferian: Please tell me they have missile weapons/
DM: Not all of them.
Inferian: SON OF A BITCH. I make a note to have a distinct word with Benar about what I consider acceptable equipment levels later.

Sioneva tries to maintain the morale of the peasant boys.

Sioneva: “It’s all right to be afraid. Just remember we’ve had experience with this sort of thing.”
Inferian: Meanwhile, over here: “Only a coward would be afraid of this—“ I’m giving a speech to my men. Aww dammit.
Calinai: How long does Mindlink last?
Inferian: Long enough.

The party becomes more dismayed as they attempt to equip the boys with crudely constructed impromptu staffs. Falgrim quickly prepares nooses for the lads -- just in case. Inferian holds up a mockman on a stick to try to produce missile fire from the climbing trollocs. Calinai finally casts her Grease spell as the trollocs come into range! The one in the lead falls, but misses the one behind him as he plummets. Another one slides off, taking off the one beneath him as they fall! Inferian makes a fire gesture. Nothing happens, because the DM wasn’t looking. He tries again with some snark, and a volley of arrows shoots over to impact the trollocs! Initiative rolls are tossed down with drama not equal to their result. Sioneva and Benar both crit with their missile attacks! A massive return of fire injures Benar and drops a pair of followers. Falgrim stares down a trolloc that’s not close enough to reach with a move action, irritated. Inferian rolls a measly 8 damage for his lightning ray on a trolloc.

DM: Upon seeing the sheer number of bolts being flung up at your position on the mountainside, Mal freaks out and takes off. Peregrin, shouting for him to stop, begins to trail after him, and Brand, not knowing what to do, chases Peregrin, trying to get them both to return to safety.
Inferian: We’ll never see them again.
DM: Mal is heading straight for the ruins.
Calinai: Meta: Oh, he’ll just get rid of some of the traps for us.
Inferian: And I’m supposed to be the evil one here!
Calinai: That’s why I said meta. In-character… “I hope they are safe.”

Sioneva makes a Spot check with a 29, to the DM’s irritation. She spies the half-man bursting out of the shadows to chase the fleeing boys!

Sioneva: “We have trouble!”
Falgrim: “Aye, we’ve got a lot of trouble in front of us!”
Sioneva: “There’s some trouble behind, too!”
Inferian: “Can you use descriptive words?!”
Sioneva: “Something’s pursuing those kids, I’m going after it.”
Inferian: “Okay! You could’ve said that to begin with!”
Calinai: “Do what you must.”

A pause. The DM bursts into laughter.

Inferian: All of our voices sound so evil! Quick, Falgrim, say something evil-sounding in your dwarven accent.
Falgrim: …mmm..
Inferian: You can’t, you’re just too good-natured as a dwarf.
Falgrim: “I’m gonna tear out those li’l boys’ guts and eat them for breakfast.”
Inferian: Hee hee, he sounds so jolly!
Calinai: I’m gonna launch a fireball at a bus full of kids.
Inferian: She sounds like Calinai!

Falgrim slams an enlarge potion, while Benar fires off another arrow. He’s not good at range, though. Sioneva misses the half-man with an arrow, but strikes it with her second from her magic item that lets her make a second attack when she skirmishes. The arrow fails to catch it on fire, though it does stop and turn to face Sioneva, revealing itself to be eyeless. Sioneva realizes she gave away her handaxe.

Calinai: They pull their masks and become trollocs and when we go back to town, the town is empty because the town was the trollocs.
Inferian: That’d be great! That apple brandy? Trolloc brandy, Falgrim.
Calinai: You’re slowly becoming a trolloc.
Falgrim: I can cover my weapons in poo now! And not look strange doing it.
Inferian: Unlike before.
Falgrim: (grunting and straining) “…What?”
Inferian: Oh this is why you were always pooing every time I walked in on you in the inn way back when!

The arrows continue to fly, primarily into Inferian’s dudes. Inferian orders them to fall back. The mechanics of these flights of arrows is briefly touched on.

Inferian: Luck is on the trollocs’ side, and luck is a part of battle.
Falgrim: “Not for long!”
Inferian: The giant dwarf is just a magnet for arrows!
Falgrim: “A scratch!” (falls over)
Inferian: You crash over, fall on the grease, and your corpse slides down, taking out all the trollocs.
Falgrim: “Huzzah…”
Inferian: It’s the only way we can win.
Falgrim: Complete accident!

The trollocs continue to not approach Falgrim, so he steps forward this round. Everyone realizes they completely misunderstood the terrain and what they all meant. Inferian fires another energy ray at a trolloc, grumbling all the while that they refuse to clump up. He also rolls double-1s on his damage, doing only 5. The half-man turns back to chasing the innocent boys, as Sioneva continues to shoot at him. Benar continues to shoot the trollocs as well… for pathetic damage, since he’s built for melee.

Calinai: Next turn I’m gonna summon something cool.
Falgrim: An eagle with sunglasses.
Inferian: It needs to be 20% cooler.
Calinai: They’re slightly bewildered by its coolness. “Look at its sunglasses!”

Falgrim finally gets a melee attack, dealing 38 damage. Then he remembers the frost damage and it goes up to 41. He cleaves the next trolloc for 42.

DM: You wonder for a moment if your eyes deceive you as the usual accompanying shower of the trolloc bolts actually seems to come up and over the cliffside. There is a hail of, not bolts, but small nail-sized pieces of metal that small into your chests.
Inferian: And only our chest.
DM: They don’t break the skin for those of you wearing any armor. They just sit there for a little bit. You feel a bit sickly when they come off, though.

People roll Spellcraft who have it (Calinai), and everyone gets a sense of impending doom. It’s mostly a curse. The players argue about their next course of action, given the odds against them and now spells being cast against them.

Inferian: …what happened to that deadfall?
Sioneva: That’s what I’d love to know!
Calinai: We probably should have drawn this out because I have NO idea where these guys are shooting us from.

Lacking other targets and with the half-man a threat, Inferian hurls a hilariously-inefficient energy missile for 32 lightning.

Sioneva: Woo, my hair’s sticking up now!
Inferian: Considering it did shoot right next to you to get to him…
Sioneva: Good thing my armor isn’t made of metal.
DM: That blast did bring it to one knee.
Inferian: That’ll get its fucking attention. Be within MY range, will you?

Sioneva and Benar attack the half-man in turn; the latter does nothing, the former strikes capably! Inferian rolls a die.

Inferian: Natural 20!
Calinai: …that means nothing on a 30-sided die.
Inferian: Are you kidding, it’s even rarer on a 30-sided die!

The DM complains that he can’t kill the players. Trollocs finally trip the deadfall and plummet off the edge of the cliff, leaving only one for Falgrim to massacre. He does. Easily. The halfman strikes Sioneva for 18. Calinai’s Spellcraft check is enough to notice Sioneva seeming to stumble when she came under attack.

Calinai: There’s a spell that does that, it’s not called “Clumsy”…
DM: No, it’s not called Clumsy.

Another argument on spell range and the combat parameters and distances erupts. Inferian again hurls an energy missile for 22 cold damage, then discovers its Fortitude save is crappier than its Reflex save.

DM: And that 22 cold is enough to make it shiver its last!
Falgrim: BAZING!
Sioneva: Sweet!
Inferian: We pulled off the save!
Sioneva: Yaaay!
Inferian: Tekinetic brofist!
Sioneva: Whatever.

It turns out one of the kids had been fighting the creature for a couple of rounds, but was so ineffective and hidden by the half-man that no one noticed until he dropped. The death of the half-man appears to be the cue for the trollocs’ retreat.

Falgrim: Are they marching down or are they running?
DM: They’re not like full-on running.
Falgrim: Oh, they’re GONNA be full-on running in a second here!

The PCs lay into the retreating trollocs with fury and malice. Benar bellows at them from the safety of behind the cliff, far enough to not be shot with arrows. The trollocs rout. The PCs venture into the ruins to seek their wayward charges.

DM: The third does turn up at the entrance.
Falgrim: Now… should I backhand him or not… the sting of discipline!
DM: But, apparently to all of your disdain, he begins chattering to his friends. “You won’t believe what I found in there?”
Sioneva: “You found something then?”
DM: “Yeah, you’ve got to come see!” He starts to run back into the –
Sioneva: “Retrain him, for the love of—“
DM: The larger has his friend by the scruff of the neck to keep him from moving.

Taking care of the most important business, they search the bodies. They find some gold and a flask with a stopper. The latter immediately goes to Falgrim, but the liquid is acrid and green. Calinai’s player falls completely asleep, so they handwave her identification of the item as a ‘dragon draft’… and in respect of her sleep schedule, end the game there.