DM: Someone’s got to write down the loot.
Tanden: I think it’s Adrian’s turn.
Adrian: God DAMMIT. I need paper then. (rummaging) According to this loot sheet, we get one kobold, one dire weasel, and five dire wolves. I don’t know WHAT I’m reading.
Rhidanne: That’s really scary, ‘cuz it’s all your fucking handwriting, dude.

The DM awards experience and loot to the adventurers.

DM: Searching her home, in actual coinage you’re able to find the modest sum of 600 gold—
Adrian: This old woman was fucking RICH for an old woman.
Tanden: That’s her pension.
DM: She was summoning a lot of things, so she needed offerings to summon them. 300 silver…
Adrian: If only our missing player was here…
Rhidanne: He could be writing all this down instead of you.
Adrian: And complaining. “Silver pieces?! It’s an affront to my manhood!”
DM: You’re also able to find annoying items.
Adrian: A TAPESTRY!!!!!!!

They search the old woman with some delicacy and a detect magic spell, determining that two rings, a cloak, and her necklace are magical.

Tanden: “Ma’am. I have to inform you that we are going to remove some of your articles.”
DM: “What?! You’re going to do what?!”
Tanden: “Remove some of your articles.”
DM: “What do you mean, ‘articles’?!”
Tanden: “Your clothing.”
DM: “What?! Are you going to rape me? Is that how the soldiers of this kingdom operate, raping old ladies?”
Tanden: “Trust me, rape is the furthest thing from my mind.”
DM: “If you take off my clothes, I should assume that’s the ONLY thing on your mind, sir!”
Rhidanne: “I’m right, here, watching this—“
DM: “That just means you have some SICK desire to see some POOR lady getting raped, that could be your fantasy! Watching other women get raped!”
Rhidanne: “You know, I have a sick desire to find some tights and shove them in this old lady’s mouth.”
Tanden: What’s your name? I don’t have my sheet by me.
Adrian: I’m Adrian! Adrian Halverd! Why don’t you have your sheet with you?
Tanden: It’s over there.
Adrian: Well go get it, you lazy—
Rhidanne: He doesn’t want to get food on it, shut up.
Adrian: You’re a D&D player. It’s fucking going to happen. The sooner you man up and accept it –

The group confiscates the magical contraband… or at least the rings. The cloak they can’t take off her, since she’s bound.

DM: “Jerkoff.”
Adrian: “My private life is not on trial here, ma’am, I’m afraid it’s yours that is.”
DM: “Your private life of being a jerkoff? Is that what you’re trying to say?”
Adrian: “Yes, that’s not what’s on trial here.”
Tanden: “Trust me lady, goading him’s not gonna work.”
Adrian: “I’m afraid I have no sense of humor, ma’am, I had it surgically removed when I joined the priesthood.”

One of the rings has an inscription on the inside, and the PCs pause to study it. The DM calls for an Appraise check, and the players openly laugh in his face.

Adrian: “The language of magic, you say. Rhidanne, can you read this?” (miming offering the ring to her, then actually looking at what he’s gesturing) This is a mighty big ring I’m holding, apparently.

The ring names several schools of magic on the outside, and on the inside advises the wearer to let the five schools guide them. The other ring, a silver one, has a sentimental inscription and boosts turn undead. Adrian, built around Persistent/Divine Metamagic, openly salivates over it. The necklace has a liquid moving inside it. Someone mimes in shaking it.

DM: If one of you starts shaking it, something’s gonna happen!
Adrian: Tanden, roll a new character.

The necklace appears to be making an odd whisper. Tanden rolls a better Listen check than anyone.

DM: “May the calm waters guide you.”
Tanden: “…may the calm waters guide you….?”
Adrian: KABOOM!

After some Monster Manual searching, the DM tells them that this necklace could somehow guide them through water, though to where isn’t clear.

Adrian: Urinate on it.
Tanden: I don’t have to go.
Adrian: I cast “Holy Flow” upon you.
DM: “Take my precious items… I assume you want to know what they do?”
Tanden: Anyway, yank that cloak off the bitch.
DM: “I hope you choke on those items.”
Tanden: “I don’t plan to eat them.”
Adrian: (guiltily pulling his hands away from his mouth) …My Wisdom was 21, what the hell, me?

The DM attempts to make them feel a little guilty about harassing this woman and taking her items, as she quietly watches the disappearance of the one inscribed with words of love. The DM mandates that in his campaign, ‘law’ be pronounced as if Judge Dredd was saying it.

Adrian: I would have more sympathy for her plight if she hadn’t set a water elemental on us, so there’s that…
DM: And this is where we pick up.
Adrian: Oh, I didn’t realize we hadn’t been playing the game until now.
DM: Well, when you start moving around…
Adrian: Oh, control has returned to us.
DM: The cinema’s over.
Adrian: We’re back on the map.
Rhidanne: The cutscene is over!
DM: The item screen has vanished from your vision.
Adrian: The victory battle music ends. “I don’t know why three wolves were carrying a Red Ring. It will forever remain a mystery.”
DM: Within the boar’s body you were able to find a giant 2-handed axe, probably wielded by a giant.
Adrian: Is it green?
DM: Yes, the text appearing over the item is green.
Adrian: Score!

The group chooses to go back to the castle, rather than the local magistrate. They strap the old woman to Tanden’s horse and set off.

DM: After about a couple hours, gimme a Spot check.
Adrian: The old woman is gone. “Shit!”
Tanden: She’s like strapped to my fucking horse!
Adrian: The horse is also gone.
DM: Tanden, you find yourself floating above the air, your horse gone, so is the lady. This has been going on for about half an hour now, you just haven’t realized.
Adrian: Now that you noticed -- (smacks the table, like Tanden’s body hitting the ground)

The group spots people off in the distance, heading towards them. Shiny silver armor and heraldry of his land.

Adrian: Welp, Dad’s dead. Let me know when I feel the imbuing power of the land flowing through me.
DM: It feels like a toilet has flushed through you.
Adrian: D’oh!
DM: Just a shitstorm, storms through your veins.
Adrian: Oh, why is my land defective?!
DM: You feel sick to your stomach. Your land is very crappy. Outside the kingdom is a shitstorm of badlands and crappy territory.
Adrian: “Oh, Dad, you were a terrible monarch!”
DM: He had been keeping it from you, hidden, the whole life. They walk up to you with his last words. “Choke on the land, boy!”
Adrian: “…that’s dad, all right.”
DM: “Ah, lord, it’s good we found you! Your father has taken a turn for the worse, but that’s not the half of it. Assassins came after you left.”
Adrian: “Are the two connected in some way?”
DM: “Oddly enough, no. Your father turned ill, then the assassins came, decided he was gone, and left without doing anything. We knew the assassins were there, because he tripped and lost his shoe, then ran out without putting it back on.”
Tanden: “…terrible assassin.”
DM: “Yes. We’re not even entirely sure he was an assassin.”
Tanden: What’s wrong with your dad? ‘Cuz I can remove pretty much anything that’s wrong with him. Paralysis, disease, I can remove his blindness if he’s blind…
Adrian: Cancer? Is cancer on there?
Tanden: I would consider that a disease…

The DM attempts to push Adrian into abandoning his faith because he couldn’t heal his father. Adrian, planning to teleport through fire back to the castle, calls for flames.

DM: “Don’t worry sir, we brought some nitrous for your horses.” Fires rocket out your horses’ asses as they rocket across the territory.
Adrian: This wasn’t what I meant, I was just going to teleport!
DM: Attempting to teleport at high speeds was a grave mistake.
Adrian: MOMENTUM WAS PRESEEEEERVED!
DM: Slam!
Adrian: …I wasn’t thinking with portals…

The group turns over the old woman to the soldiers, so they can travel faster.

Tanden: “Be careful, she’s a feisty one.”
DM: (oddly) “We’ll take care of her. No worries.”
Tanden: ….Sense Motive…
Adrian: “Not with abuse and criminal behavior, please!”
Rhidanne: Raper no raping.
Tanden: 24.
DM: I need dice…
Adrian: Maybe I SHOULD take the old lady…

The guards continue to act all suspicious and weird, so the group decides to take the old lady anyway. They pop back to the central courtyard, then turn the old lady to the guards of the castle. However, his father seems quite healthy! The story appeared to be an entire fraud! They tell him of being attacked by Falstaff, the nemesis from a nearby kingdom.

DM: “My informants from the other areas tell me that the wars between Roesone and the other kingdoms have died down, which does not bode well for us. If they’re not fighting each other, they could easily turn their forces on us. Though our armies are more than a match for them, I don’t know of what allies they might have formed in this time.”
Adrian: “How stand the state of our realm’s alliances, sire?”
DM: “The kingdoms to our east have backed us and continue to trade. Not entirely sure how well in a fight they’d do, they’ve become complacent. Being near the shore, not many go through us. And our allies to the north may prove stalwart, but I believe they may be having problems of their own.”
Adrian: “Yes, but even so, they must all realize that all of us are under constant threat from the lord of Ghoere.” A jackass in every campaign!

The lord reveals that his spies have entered the Spiderfell, but the news back has been sketchy but ominous: troops of Ghoere in the realm! He assigns them to investigate this and do something about it, if possible, as well as determine what their evil neighbor is up to. They leave on the morrow!

DM: The men that will be going with you… have yet to be written down on paper.

Adrian makes a full report to the magistrate… then reluctantly turns in the awesome precious ring.

Rhidanne: Are you actually going to put the ring in?
Adrian: Yes, I’m lawful.
Tanden: Even though his player’s like, “NOOOOOOOOOO!” (erasing the loot sheet)
Adrian: Don’t erase the ring, we’ll probably get it back.
DM: Yes, yes, I will not tell you about your items just to take them away from you.
Adrian: He’s not me.
DM: “Don’t worry about it, young miss, you’ll get those items back, we just need to catalog them and make sure we know their... position. They’ll be returned to you in the morning – if you wish to keep them, of course. Otherwise, more than likely they’ll end up in the hands of the archpriest.”
Tanden: He’s just decked out in magical items. “Ha ha ha!”
Adrian: “How many ranks do you have in Use Magical Device, sir?”
Tanden: “None.”
Adrian: “Asshole.”
Tanden: “La la la!”
DM: “Fireball, fireball!”
Adrian: “….someday…”
Tanden: “They didn’t teach me that in priest school… said I was too stupid.”
Adrian: “But Use Magic Device is based on Charisma.”
Tanden: “Yeah, I didn’t believe ‘em either… That’s what they told me.”
Adrian: “You ARE stupid. Not very wise, either. …How are you the high priest!? …you’re fired, I’m in charge now.”
Tanden: “We drew lots, I won.”
Adrian: “Wait a minute, when did that happen? That was on that day you told me was Official Skipping Day, wasn’t it?!”
Tanden: “Maybe?”
Adrian: “AAAAAGH!” Mace! Mace! “In Haelyn’s name I smite theeeeeeeee!”
Tanden: “In Haelyn’s name I defend against thee!” Haelyn’s like, “…got me.”
Adrian: “Tanden, get him! That’s an official command from your prince! Or whatever my title is!”
Rhidanne: Jackass.
Tanden: Nancy-boy.
Adrian: “Dad, we have to have a word about this.”
Tanden: “Now go, my nancy-boy!”
Adrian: “Daaaaaaaaad.”

The characters pass the night, then meet up with the people to go with them in the throne room. One of them is the son of the archpriest, Kain Edlan, who is a fighter. The next is the son of Guilder Kalien, which is not at all ominious, but he’s estranged and just goes by John; he’s a thief. The third is a childhood friend, Liara… something, the DM didn’t have a last name for her. Wales. She’s a ranger. Adrian is fined 20 gold for setting off the meta alarm.

Adrian: Tortilla, please.
Tanden: Careful, they’re restaurant-style.
Adrian: So they only appear in a bowl once every 45 minutes? “I’m pleased to have you all on this journey with me. I assure you your talents will be most necessary.”
DM: (stands up and wanders off)
Adrian: Furious, the DM leaves. “He’s being polite to them! No one’s ever polite to the NPCs in his game, I don’t know how we can do it!”
DM: “If you’re all ready to go, lord, we are prepared.”
Adrian: “Let us waste no further time, then.”
DM: “Yes, we will drag the john, the outside toilet your compatriot has been sitting in, along with us.”
Adrian: “That would be most helpful! …that’s odd, it’s leaving a brown streak as we pass, doesn’t it have a proper bottom on it?”
DM: “It did, sir, before we ripped it FROM the bottom and dragged it along.”
Adrian: “It was just a pit. So now that we’ve taken it off the pit…”
DM: “Yes, it was really not the best of ideas.” Looking back, you see that you did not only take the bathroom from the southeast tower, but part of the southeast tower.
Adrian: This will help us out with our defenses along the way.
DM: You camp out in the tower you took with us!
Adrian: “Quickly, bar the doors and set a watch at the arrow slits!”
DM: “Why do those bandits have SIEGE WEAPONS, I don’t understand?!”

It turns into an extended FFVI reference, then a Transformers one. The DM reaches for the Monster Manual.

Adrian: Don’t open the Monster Manual to a random page! This isn’t the Peninsula of Power!
DM: Ah! This sounds good, it only has 85 hit points. You hear, during your watch, a very metal looking creature with two horns, and a green mist pouring out of its mouth!
Tanden: Oh, a gorgon.
DM: …wow.
Adrian: Yeah, we’re boned.

The DM, playing around, attempts to roll a saving throw on a d24 without realizing it… and rolls a 22, still not realizing something is wrong. After a brief encounter with a danish-eating sidequest (+1 Charisma, +1 fatness). It’ll take 2 days to reach the Spiderfell.

Adrian: “Let us be off, brave and noble souls… and Tanden, ah ha ha ha.”
DM: “Did you hear about that lady they put in the prison? Yeah, they were raping her all night long! All night long! I don’t know who gave her to the guards and not took the time to realize how bad those prisoners are – they took her to the wrong jail! The wrong jail! That was the raping prison! Whoever did that just definitely lost some alignment!”
Tanden: “Before we start our journey, we must rectify something.”
Adrian: We beat the rumormonger.
Tanden: “Stop! Spreading! Lies!”
Rhidanne: Let me handle this, I won’t lose any alignment over it.
Adrian: That’s true, she’s chaotic.
Tanden: We’ll just turn around and, hey, look at that tree!
Adrian: “Tanden, I feel for no particular reason I must debate you on a fine point of our religion!”
Tanden: “All right…”
Adrian: “Quickly, let us make Knowledge(religion) rolls that will prevent us from making Spot checks!”
Rhidanne: Meanwhile, I’m over here, doing… (slapping motions)
Adrian: 12. I did NOT bring my game face to the debate.
Tanden: 22.
Adrian: “And so you see, I think Haelyn is also the patron of lies!”
Tanden: “…Blasphemy! Blasphemous!”
Adrian: “Oh god you’re right! What was I thinking?!”
Tanden: “That was terrible!”
Adrian: “I’m sorry my lord Haelyn? Forgive me Haelyn for I have sinned, and done. Hey, where’s Rhidanne?”
DM: It’s about mid-afternoon—
Adrian: Before we stop beating the rumor guy.

Adrian discovers the ring forces him to be more concerned about the old woman’s well-being. They travel on, stop for the night, and the NPCs offer to take watches for the night in very ominous voices.

DM: “Don’t worry about watches. We’ll take care of it.”
Adrian: Sense Motive, quick! That was ominous!
DM: “We just want to let the lord rest…”
Adrian: That’s also ominous!
Tanden: Man… we’re a very paranoid group!
Adrian: They keep saying ominous things! It’s like they just said, “Don’t worry, once we accomplish this task, you’ll get… what’s coming to you.” There’s some things that are always a symbol of instant betrayal. One: “You’ll get everything that’s coming to you.” Two: “Beyond your wildest dreams.”
DM: “I have something for you… a letter!” I’m just gonna keep talking that way. “Sir… I have something for you. …The finest drinks on sale! The most delicious beverages… of poison. And by poison I mean alcohol! Delicious alcohol!”
Tanden: “Adrian, I’m gonna get you…. The finest tankard of ale I can buy as soon as we get to the next inn!

The NPCs are really just annoyed, believing Adrian has become pompous and arrogant over time and they’re just here to keep watch and babysit.

Adrian: “Sir Tanden. You have an appointment with the hangman. ….He’s practicing his massage techniques, and I recommended you!”
DM: The whole game’s gonna be nothing but misdirection.
Adrian: “Don’t worry, we’re setting you free… of your earthly bonds! Magic’s not a crime… in the hell you’re going to!”

Tanden, at least, insists on taking a watch, and is assigned last watch. The group camps.

DM: Tanden, you feel a tap on your shoulder. “It is your watch.”
Adrian: I feel broad knife in my back.
Tanden: I… riiiiiiiiiiiiiise.

Tanden gets the usual Listen check, but hears nothing of significance. The group picks up and heads out. They elect to avoid a town. The NPCs disappear because they queued for an Arena match, but then reappear. The group heads north of the border.

Adrian: All right guys, we’re heading north of the border, take off your sombreros.
DM: Take off your fake Mexican mustaches. Remove your skin makeup.
Tanden: Ahh, alabaster white. Just like it should be.
Adrian: When did you lose a game of racist chicken? And WHY DO YOU KEEP PLAYING THESE GAMES?! You’re clearly terrible at them! Aaah, we’re going to hell.
Tanden: Let’s start making fun of the Special Olympics. That’ll solidify it.

Adrian makes a joke so tasteless I can’t bring myself to commit it to posterity. Caution: For purposes of humor only. Does not reflect our real opinions. Liara continues to hold herself distant and aloof, as the person most convinced that her old friends have become pompous jerks.

Adrian: I think she expected us to be a lot hotter than we are.
Tanden: I have a Charisma of 17, I don’t know what you have.
Adrian: 16.
Tanden: We’re pretty good-looking guys.
Adrian: And she’s a pretty stuck-up girl.
Tanden: It’s not us, it’s her!

They reach the Spiderfell, without being seen or encountering guards or sentries. Setting up a camp in a concealed location, they briefly discuss tactics. Liara takes up position in a tree above, and one of the NPCs hint strongly that someone should join her. Adrian, who actually has ranks in Spot, joins her.

DM: “Lord, what… are you doing up here?”
Tanden: Put the moves on her!
Adrian: Yeah, that’s appropriate… “Two sets of eyes are better than one. I can’t say mine are the keenest, but I’m probably the most clear-sighted of everyone that’s left.”
Tanden: “Thanks. And talk a little quieter, would you?”
Adrian: “Look out, I dropped my anvil.”
Tanden: “Why do you carry these around?!”
Adrian: “For just this sort of occasion.”

Adrian’s Climb check is only 8, so his passage up the tree is pretty damn slow. He shrugs, noting it’s still easier than taking his full plate armor off. The DM continues to poke fun at Adrian in the tree; it leads to the tree catapulting Adrian clear back to the castle, crashing onto assassins in the midst of an attempt on his father’s life. One of the NPCs implies to Liara that Adrian has wicked intent, to his bemusement.

DM: “Tell me, how are your… stealthy abilities?”
Tanden: “None.”
DM: “Excellent, as I have none as well.”
Tanden: “Good, let’s charge in there and hack some shit up.” Oh wait, alignment. “Let us go in there and wrought justice on this evildoers.”

John tries to salvage the plate mail for stealth. He and Tanden venture off slowly, as the people in the trees keep watch on him. Tanden rolls a Spot check for 12, spying some subtle movement.

DM: You hear rustling from the direction of your ally John, and you can now clearly see him… barreling in your direction. He’s almost forgoing stealth at this point. He’s sort of giving you the symbol of ‘get the hell back’. He isn’t yelling though. Upon reaching back to the edge of camp… “There is a small squad of soldiers, about 20 of Ghoere’s men. They were a good 200 feet ahead of me at the time. I managed to get close enough… most of the men were in the camps, but one of them was talking to a large spider. Around his neck there was a pendant. It was fairly bright and seemed to be actively doing something, glowing a bit. This could be connected to there… pretty obvious at this point the spiders allowed them there.”

Adrian feebly hits Tanden with a chair, uselessly. Tanden injures Rhidanne; Rhidanne blames Adrian.

DM: He beckons you and Liara down.
Adrian: Aww crap.
Rhidanne: No more making time with the girl.
Adrian: Yeah, I’m sure that was happening.
Rhidanne: Smoochy smoochy!
Tanden: Roll your climb to get down, bitch!
Adrian: Oh, that’s terrible. A 2. I should’ve just jumped.
DM: You managed to hit a branch, slow your fall, hit a branch, slow your fall, hit a branch, slow your fall, and land, taking a mere 3 points of damage. And then a branch lands on your head, dealing 47 points of damage… no, I’m just kidding.
Adrian: Thank god I persisted lesser vigor on myself.
Tanden: “That was quite an entrance.”
Adrian: “Well, I was up there practicing it all day.”
Tanden: “That’s a lie.”
Adrian: “You’re right, I was only practicing it a short amount of time.”

The DM fails to open a jar of salsa, so Tanden does it for him.

DM: I’ve weakened it for you.
Adrian: Now we know who the man is in that relationship. Good news, Tanden!
Tanden: Yaaaay! – wait a minute, I still lose, don’t I.
DM: This conversation loses for both of us, no matter how it turns out.
Tanden: We’re just roommates, leave us aloooooooone.
Adrian: You don’t wanna be the man, Tanden? Okay, here’s a maid outfit.
Rhidanne: Oooh, Tanden meido.
Adrian: And DM, here’s a Hulk Hogan outfit. That’ll establish some clearly defined gender rolls.

Adrian is penalized 66 experience. Given that they are facing 20 soldiers, the group abandons their plan of stealing the pendant. Adrian and Tanden realize that they have to be the final people to retreat in any combat, and must do it in precise synch or one of them is in trouble. The group chooses to take longer, 2-person watches. Tanden preemptively rolls a Listen check, then questions why he did it.

DM: You clearly are able to listen to your allies as they speak to you. They seem slightly perturbed as to how intently you listen to their conversation.

Adrian, on first watch, rolls Spot (16) and Listen (12). Then the DM calls for him to roll an attack roll!

DM: Your quick senses… sense a fly land on you, and you slap it! But you miss.
Adrian: …man, I’m stupid.
DM: You see the fly. You’re angry at it. But it suddenly gets caught in a web.
Tanden: DIVINE WRAAATH!
Adrian: I don’t even have that, but still!
DM: You look up to see a spider working its way down the tree towards you.
Adrian: (making an elbowing gesture) “Spider!”
DM: You look over to find that Liara is gone.
Adrian: Who am I elbowing? Another spider…
DM: You see Liara has made her way slightly behind the tree, you can barely make her out. She hits it with her surprise attack! It begins to scream, go ahead and strike.

Adrian misses, but everyone wakes up! Initiative is called for. Adrian invents the fearsome Batman foe, “20 Face.”

Adrian: “All right. A 1, I botch, drop the gun. A 2… a miss. A 3… a miss. A 4… a miss.” Later: “19, potential crit. A 20, also a potential crit. What’s your armor class anyway?”
Tanden: I’m already gone. Saved the girl, already gone.
Adrian: “Ugh.”

Liara slays the spider. Tanden discovers he has an armor crystal to sleep in his armor without penalty. Rhidanne, not willing to be too blasty, fires her crossbow at a spider. Everyone yells at Adrian for causing all wars ever, forever. Somehow Tanden’s bad wizard voice turns into bad jokes.

DM: (breathing heavily) “Hey there… little kid… want some candy?”
Tanden: Why are all child molesters out of breath? I don’t understand it.
Adrian: Because they’re so turned on by the child…
DM: Wow. That’s disturbingly accurate.
Rhidanne: You guys are pervs.
DM: I forget how this whole discussion started.
Tanden: Oh, because I came in all, (gasping and raspy) “Hey DM, how ya doing?” when I came home one night. And then it went to child molestation. And then it went to what’s-his-face from Ulduar. “The blood… of Yogg-Saron… courses… through me… hold on a sec guys… Christ amighty…”
DM: Turned into, “Hey there… little kid… want some candy?”
Adrian: So he’s an XT-2D molestor. “New toys? For me?” “Oh my god that’s fresh…”
Tanden: …now THAT’s disturbing.
DM: “Tell me… about them toys…”
Adrian: “I’m ready to play!” “….me too.”
DM: All of this has now scarred me for life.
Tanden: I’m never looking at XT the same again. Or the general.

Rhidanne’s crossbow bolt strikes true. Adrian misses a spider, and a spider charges down to bite him in turn!

DM: “You shall leave the jungle!” …jungle? “You shall leave the Spiderfell in body bags!”
Tanden: What’s a body bag?
Rhidanne: They don’t have body bags…
DM: I’m sure – it’s a bag a body goes in, it’s a very simple concept!
Tanden: We have this large hemp sack, I guess we could put it there.
DM: “You’ll find out what it is shortly!”
Tanden: Oh snap.

Adrian takes 7 points of damage and easily saves against the poison. A brief debate between the difference between poison and venom breaks out. The NPC, Kain leaps out and strikes a spider, then Tanden rolls max damage, though 14 points is not enough to one-shot the spider. Liara and Rhidanne then shoot down a pair of spiders on their turn. Adrian rolls a 28 to hit his damn spider, dealing 8 points. A pair of spiders swarms Rhidanne and she takes 5 points of damage. Tanden swipes for 7 as Kain misses. (Amazingly, this combat is actually proceeding at a sensible pace, leaving little time for banter and witty distractions!) The DM lovingly elaborately describes Adrian being decapitated by friendly fire, which Rhidanne ruins by not rolling a critical failure; instead, she slays a spider.

Tanden: Bits of it over here, bits of it over there/
DM: No, most of it’s in your hair.
Tanden: If I was a dwarf, it’d be in my beard.
Adrian: Dwarf beards are natural ooze-sops.

John knifes a spider, but does not slay it; that honor goes to Adrian.

DM: You crush the… uppermost part of its body… where the brains are.
Adrian: Its head?
DM: I don’t believe it’s called the head on a spider.
Adrian: It’s called a head on a spider. It’s head, thorax, abdomen.
DM: Okay. You crush its head. And part of its thorax.

Tanden slays the final spider, leaving only one clinging to life. Adrian casts Cure Minor Wounds to stabilize it, Tanden binds it, and they hurriedly disassemble the camp and move outside the Spiderfell. Liara uses ranger powers to commune with the spider, convincing it to actually talk to them.

DM: “Whys are you here to the Spiderfell come?!”
Tanden: To seek the Holy Grail.
DM: (as an NPC) “We came to find out why Ghoere had been able walk in the Spiderfell unaccosted.”
Adrian: “It is unlike your master to allow any humans within its domain.”
DM: “It is, but our master has been away for a long time. It has been many a year since he has left.”
Adrian: “That explains a great deal.”
DM: “Yes, we are unaware of his motives but we have kept the lands safe. But then the ones came with the medal upon his chest. We could not harm him. We could not get close.”
Adrian: “Could you describe the medal?”
DM: “It bore a strange metal I have not seen. It seemed almost of bone and steel merge. It glowed.”
Adrian: Would Knowledge(religion) be appropriate here?
DM: Yes.
Adrian: 26.
Tanden: A 17.
DM: The symbol, based on his description, is a symbol of one of the more unholy gods of the realm. A dark lord. He considers himself a god, and amongst the religious community they fear him enough of a threat to give him the title, but he’s not a god. He is but a strong, powerful lord of the dark arts who can create trinkets. These trinkets, these dark symbols, have been know to control certain types. From spiders of the Fell, to other realms.. boars, water elementals.
Adrian: So this “Master of the Dark Arts” is capable of creating a “Dark Mark”…
DM: “We cannot touch him or his minions. He commands our… I guess you can call him a regent of sorts. It’s the only one he can control.”
Adrian: “So the lord of Ghoere has either been taken over or swayed by this dark one.”
Tanden: Isn’t he always, though?
Adrian: “I feel as if this has played out many a time, in many a different world…”
DM: “I wouldn’t imagine it being that complex, though. From what I understood it seemed that that particular master… has been slain by another. His trinkets now run spread across the lands to the north. How he came upon this particular trinket is not known. He might have bought it from someone who did not know quite what it did.”
Adrian: “So because the lord of Ghoere has the trinket, all his men are unaffected.”
DM: “As long as he controls the regent of the Spiderfell, we must follow him. More men have come in every day. We wants to slay them… we wants to slay them all. But… you help us? You kill the one wearing the emblem in the forest, and we can take care of the rest. You help us, we let you out alive, but the trinket must be destroyed. The rest of the items you may take.”
Adrian: “Let’s talk privately for a moment.”
Tanden: :Okay,:
Rhidanne: Only you boys?
Adrian: I assume you don’t care about the lawful good discussion. You’re welcome to come join in if you want…
DM: “We Are Good Guys, We Do Good Things,” the musical.
Adrian: “We are good guuuuuuys!”

A pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Tanden.

Tanden: “Yaaaay,,, I’m not a singer.“
Adrian: Neither am I, that doesn’t appear to be stopping it. Quick, roll an untrained Perform check! …hey, I rolled pretty good, I got a 19.
Tanden: I got a 4.
Adrian: “We are good guuuuuys!”
Tanden: (horrible voice) “We do good de-e-e-e-ds!”
Adrian: “It strikes me that doing what this spider wishes us to do will cause the death of many men whose only crime was to follow the orders of their commander.”
Tanden: “I can only agree with you there.”
Adrian: “That being said, I feel our only recourse is to capture the man who controls this trinket, see to it that these men are evacuated from the Spiderfell and returned to their proper stations, and THEN deal with the trinket.”
Tanden: “For once we seem to be in complete and utter agreement.”
Adrian: “That being said, that seems easier said than done. And I’m afraid that if we disagree with what the spider is offering, they will be swift to turn on us regardless of what help we can provide them.”
Tanden: “Yes, we are in a bit of a predicament here, aren’t we… Walk around the truth?”
Adrian: “No no, we should perhaps try explaining that should all those men come to a swift demise, the reaction might be… extraordinarily violent towards the Spiderfell. We certainly can, I think, in good conscience agree not to relate that the Spider itself is missing.”
Tanden: “That would probably be wise.”
Adrian: “That would be the best for them AND for us… Well, let’s present that deal to it, then.” (miming walking back) “Spider, we have discussed, we would like to present you with some certain information. Were all these men to come to a swift and gruesome death within the Spiderfell, I believe the reaction would be unpleasant for the world outside it and the world within it. Men might come with torches, magic, various items of protection, and seek to destroy the Spiderfell, especially since word has gotten out, at least amongst these men I’m certain, that your master is missing, and that’s the only reason they’ve been able to get in here. What I would propose to you is this: We will see to the removal of these men, and we will ensure that the trinket that allows them safe passage in here troubles you no further. We will also agree not to relay the nature of your missing upper echelons, as you were. It would be beneficial for both you and us if word of that was not to get out.”
DM: “Yes.”
Adrian: “However, to see them all killed would in the long term be a very bad thing. We’d prefer to deal with it with ways that are not bad.”
DM: “We have ways of making them forget. And we will drop them off in their land. If that is better for you.”
Adrian: “It is better for both of us.”
DM: “Yes…”
Adrian: “It is in the end much better to preserve the image of the Spiderfell as a place where none safely tread.”
DM: “We cannot go against them, but we can let you through. But you must trust me and let me free so I can let the brothers know not to harm the ones…”
Adrian: “How should we be identified to you, or is simply knowing us enough?”
DM: “I have your scent. I have taken small samples of each of you.”
Adrian: …is this the one that bit me, out of curiosity, or did we smash that one?
DM: No no, he bit you, but he also –
Adrian: I know, I just wondered.
DM: “I know what you smell like, and the others will know.”
Adrian: “Hopefully it isn’t too delicious.”
Tanden: “Yeaaaaaaah,
Adrian: Very well, we set it free.
Tanden: Cut its bonds.
DM: “Spiders aren’t particularly fond of the innards of humans. Mostly because it takes too long for them to be digested.”
Adrian: “We’ll try to avoid being delicious.”
Tanden: I’m using, like, seasoned all-salt…
Adrian: Spider-B-Yum, what the hell? Why did you even bring that to the Spiderfell! Reverse psychology! “That one seems TOO delicious. It’s a trap!”
Tanden: “Come on, bite me!”
DM: “I’m delicious!”
Adrian: “Oh my god, he’s some sort of masochist! That’s creepy, avoid him!”

The spider takes off as the players grumble about how they doubt this plan, with help from the NPCs. They decide that now is the time to attack, if for no other reason than to give the spiders less time to whip up a betrayal. The DM goes overboard on the description of spiders watching them. The players briefly have a serious discussion about spiders and arachnophobia out-of-chartacter, which is surprisingly noncomical. It lapses into a long diversion as the DM complains about a rat.

DM: After 25 minutes of walking, you get to the outside of the camp. Most of the group, outside of John, is a good sixty feet outside of camp, trying to avoid the prying eyes of scouts. John’s got himself fairly in close, he’s gonna try to take out one of the watches. You watch as the scout, peering around… (miming the manner in which John takes out the scout)
Adrian: So much for our plan of ethics.
DM: You didn’t discuss it with John, did you.
Tanden: Nope, probably should have.
Adrian: We kinda thought with the paladin and the priest of Haelyn, he would’ve assumed. I guess he’s the sort where he’s like, “Well you didn’t tell me, so I didn’t act on it.”
DM: You should probably discuss with your father the activities of the kingdom you don’t seem to see… “Ah son, why don’t you look this way and not behind over here at the torture and danger room, I mean happy prisoner room where they don’t get tortured or killed.”
Adrian: Or raped.
Tanden: “Ah, my nancy boy, one day this will be all yours.”

Inevitably, the DM starts quoting Monty Python. The PCs quickly set John straight in furious whispers. John then points out the larger tent with guards, almost certainly their goal, then takes out another watchmen nonlethally. The group moves unsilently around the camp as John moves to buy Adrian enough time to scurry out and cast obscuring mist. Adrian rolls a Move Silently.

Adrian: 4. Clank clank clank clank.
DM It’s a good thing John’s really good at this. He’s managed to pull together a decent-enough distraction and also the spiders are giving enough ambient noise in the area to at least obscure your movements.

Mist envelops the area. Under its cover, they creep up to the back of the commander’s tent, they slit it open to creep in.

Adrian: “WHAT DO YOU SEE?!”
Tanden: “:SHUT UP!”
Rhidanne: Boobies!
DM: You see a dim light. There’s not a lot of light in the tent. You see just ahead, the commander’s bunk of sorts as he sleeps soundly On a little desk of sorts nearby, you see a necklace bound to a large ornament. It seems to be the very description that your comrade had translated to you! Next to that, a suit of armor, some weapons…
Adrian: Some idiot didn’t buy a restful crystal, ha ha!
DM: But the commander seems to be sound asleep.
Tanden: I relay this to my team.
Adrian: Let’s knock him out, drag him out into the woods, and have a word with him.
Tanden: (rolling)
Adrian: You don’t have to roll to hit him when he’s sound asleep!
Tanden: I gotta walk up to him, don’t I?
Andrian: That’s true.
DM: “Perhaps I can take care of him?”
Adrian: Screw you!

They do in fact send the thief in to clonk him. Tanden gathers up the medal and is horrible affronted by it, even burned by it. John suggests someone hide under the covers to give the impression that the commander is still there, and they immediately assign him to the task, to his annoyance. Tanden slaps the commander.

DM: Are you smacking him with your gauntlet?!
Adrian: You’re doing MORE subdual damage!
Tanden: Putting him further into sleep. Let’s give him a concussion!
DM: He’s dead!
Adrian: He finally wakes up… “ENCHANTMENT!” Uh-oh.

They do succeed in waking up the commander, who immediately cops an attitude like no one’s business.

DM: “You dare take up arms against a commander of Ghoere?!”
Adrian: “How are you speaking through that gag? I’m very impressed!”
DM: …’cept it comes out, “Mmmmm mm mmm m mmmmm!”
Adrian: “Yes, it doesn’t take much to sense the arrogance pouring off you. However, I think you’ll find that at the moment we are holding all the card. We’re going to make this very simple. Right now we are in control of this little gadget. Consequently, your existence in the Spiderfell is subject to our whim. You are going to go back, act as if nothing has happened, and command your troops to walk out of the Spiderfell and not return. If you do this, the spiders will let you live, possibly causing you to forget that you were ever in here, but I think you’ll find that’s better than you keeling over dead. If at any point you attempt to turn on us, betray us, or otherwise deviate from this path we have set out for you, you will find the trinket no longer protects you against the spiders and whatever they choose to do with you, and believe me, they are NOT happy in the slightest that you have come in here against their will. Have we made ourselves clear? You may nod, or shake your head.”
DM: “Mmmm nnmm mnmmmnmmnmnm mmnm nmn mn—“
Tanden: (slaps him) “Nod or shake your head.”
DM: …give me a Diplomacy check.
Adrian: I think we were going for Intimidate here…
Tanden: 18.
Adrian: We’d have been better off going for Diplomacy since I don’t have Intimidate, but I don’t think that was going to work.
DM: Good cop bad cop. You would talk, and he would smack.
Adrian: My Diplomacy comes out to a 19 too, so we’re good-cop-and-bad-copping him. Perfectly!
DM: The combination is enough to break his will at the moment.
Adrian: His bladder releases.
Tanden: (smacks him)
DM: (as a spider) “You must break the spell, and we can make sure that they forget, and we will take them out of the woods. You have the word of the awnshegh on this, and an awnshegh keeps his word.”
Adrian: “We’ll allow them to get closer to the edge, and then do as you say. They’ve been told they can leave peacefully, if you simply swarm over them here, they’ll believe they’re being attacked and will fight back.”
DM: “Yes, lead them out, you will.”
Adrian: You note how he tried to slide the ‘word of the awnshegh’ in on us but he claims the Spider’s been missing forever. Ha ha ha!
Tanden: Caught in his own lies.
Adrian: Someone failed his Bluff check!

The DM rephrases to make it more clear as an oath, not a mistake, but the players wisely refuse to be trusting at all. Adrian begins fooling with the pendant, hoping it doesn’t plunge him into the blackest depths of hell. A 29 on his Knowledge(religion) check lets him pry the gem off the medal to disrupt its control.

Adrian: Using my ‘faith’, which is apparently the name of my morningstar…

With the spiders glaring at them, they hoof it for the border. As the soldiers leave the spiders are biting them to erase their memories. The players remain amazed that this is actually working.

DM: “Get out.”
Adrian: “Yes, we’re getting out, you don’t need to tell us twice!”
DM: “Crush the gem!”
Adrian: “After we get out, thanks! No offense, but after we get out! Especially since your voice has dropped into the ominous levels, mister spider!”

They flee, and finally Adrian smashes the game. Hatred and evil pour through him, but a Will save sees him through. The spiders continue to scream at them. Adrian threatens to flip off the Spiderfell, but doesn’t fricking dare. A spider hurls the loot for the adventure out of the Spiderfell after them.

DM: “You see the spiders are not ungrateful.”
Tanden: “Oh goody. A severed head. Fucking spiders.”
DM: “Next time, you will not be so lucky.”
Adrian: “Unless we need to help you again.” “Shut up.”

They score gold, scrolls, a wand, and so forth. Adrian proposes they split the gold with the NPCs.

Tanden: “That’s all you get. You especially, John! Killing people! Asshole! Get out of my sight. Die!”
Adrian: “A little less chaotic! A LITTLE LESS CHAOTIC!”
DM: Well, I have to say that was pretty successful.
Adrian: That was remarkably successful we are so lucky that didn’t go disastrously, and we know it.

The DM calls for Spot and Listen checks just to kill their buzz. Several figures pop up out of the grass, twenty or so, all of them with bows leveled at the PCs. These are the forces of Roesone, it seems, furious at this intrusion on their land. The PCs promptly shove Tanden forward to explain, pointing out that a paladin cannot lie. This meets with mild success. Adrian swiftly Diplomatizes, speaking many kind and reasonable words.

DM: Roll.
Adrian: A natural one. Of all the times. Why? It works out to 11 for what it’s worth, but damn. Wow. I look incompetent now. Woooooo, Tanden, you’re up.
Tanden: I’m gonna roll a 1 on my Diplomacy too…
DM: “Not that your story clears out. Your words don’t sway me very well. In fact a lot of your fancy talk I don’t tend to believe too much.”
Adrian: “Then perhaps you’ll listen.. to TANDEN, who is an honorable paladin and not so fancy.” (nudging Tanden as he talks through clenched teeth) “Come on, buddy, make up for the dice, man!”
Rhidanne: “Actually he’s right, he’s not telling tales.”
Tanden: “No, his fancy and flourished words do ring true, regardless of how much…” (sighing) “Floweriness he adds to them.”
Adrian: I was raised in court, so sue me.

Rhidanne and Tanden roll much better, but the hostile guards menacingly threatens them and vows to escort them to their border and inform Adrian’s father of his trespass.

Adrian: “Your son was in our lands!” “Yeah? I will scold him severely! Bad son, bad! Satisfied? …good work, son. He shall only have two scoops of ice cream on his cone this night, that shall be his punishment!” “But father, normally I only get one scoop—“ “Shut up, boy.”

Sadly, just as they reach the border, their nemesis, the son of this land’s regent, appears in front of them! The players briefly argue over the canon age of the lady of the land, until the DM starts yelling at them. Tanden and Adrian break into a heated argument about terms and figures of speech, which they try to turn into a scene from “Road to El Dorado” where they both look like they’re about to fight each other, but instead turn and punch the person they’re fighting. The DM interrupts them, as the son tries to pull rank over both them and the guards.

DM: He’s not acting like he should. Ever since you saw him back when he first approached you, he seemed off.
Tanden: “Something’s not right with the prince.”
Adrian: “Perhaps it’s that magic armor that gives him untold power that is perhaps damaging his sanity in some way? Perhaps that has something to do with it? Or perhaps the source of that armor, could that have something to do with it?”

The prince continues to demand their deaths, which the PCs spin to get themselves out of trouble as best as possible.

Adrian: Remember, you can’t spell “jurisprudence” without “prudence”!
DM: …you can’t spell “Shut the fuck up Adrian” without all those words!

They weasel their way out of punishment.

DM: “I’ll deal with you, PRINCE, later. I know it’s kind of ironic that I called you a prince even though I’m a prince.”
Adrian: “Technically, that’s not even my title.”
Tanden: Yeah, it’s ‘nancy-boy’.
Adrian: Isn’t my father technically a duke?
DM: “Well then, Duchess.”
Tanden: “Oh damn.”
Adrian: “He implied that I was female.”
Tanden: “Indeed.”
Adrian: “I cannot believe that. Such an insult is beyond devastating.”
Tanden: “I can feel my earwax burning inside my ears at such an insult as that. Ouch.”
Adrian: “I do believe I am on fire. Quick. See if he has cast ‘heat metal’ on me, for I do feel the burn.”
Tanden: “Doesn’t look like it from here.”
Adrian: “It’s only my soul then.”
Tanden: “Zing.”
DM: He vanishes, in anger.
Tanden: “What a douchebag! Sorry, lord…”
Adrian: “No no, as a priest, I grant you leave. “

Adrian suggests the guards not return to the castle, feeling it isn’t safe for them to do so, but the guards lawfully return to their lady. They hasten back to the castle, as Adrian curses the fact that he can only teleport through fire ONCE per week.

DM: Leaving one poor soul behind.
Adrian: “So long John, ya douche. You’re ‘best-suited’ to getting home by yourself!”
Tanden: Oh, wow!
Adrian: Lawful asshole, that’s not an alignment.
DM: When you use the teleport, everyone else goes to the kingdom, you go, immediately, to the stockades.
Adrian: That’s odd, why is there even a fire here?
DM: In case someone goes douchey.
Adrian: So let’s see, the only one we don’t hate is Kain, because he said nothing the entire goddamn time. Liara? Bitch. John? Douche. Kain? He’s all right.
DM: “All right, time to go rape that old lady some more!”
Adrian: …So far, that guard who captured us is the only non-douchebag in the campaign.
DM: He’s just going back to his house to rape his wife.
Adrian: … and the circle of the campaign is complete. If they’re not douchebags, they’re rapists. …”I’m ready to play!”
Tanden: “Oh yeaaaah.”

They find Adrian’s father sinking INTO THE GROUND. Rather dumbstruck, they barely know what to do! All regents and rules are being affected by this – this is why the Spider is affected, and why Roesone’s son is now in power. Worse, it interferes with succession – blood powers cannot be properly transferred! Adrian grumbles that once again the DM has managed to write domain turns completely out of the game. Nevertheless, the bloodline is transferred… And with the world so changed, the game ends for the night.