dragonoflife | (no subject)

As part of Operation: Everyone Runs a Game, a new DM has stepped up from the group to take the leads on an adventure! Starting at 11th level, our crew is as follows:

Lyle: A highly-specialized halfing Conjurer/Master Conjurer/Malconvoker, Lyle pursues the typical path of summoning evil creatures and tricking them into serving the cause of good. He begins the adventure with a barghest servant and the Leadership feat gives him an army of slingers and a henchman with the popular Dungeoncrasher/Bloodstorm Blade build.

Vigo: An ASSASSIN if one with a highly unusual build! The class was modified to allow neutral assassins, or an assassin equivalent, I don’t remember which, so he is not a bad guy.

The Scarred One: a specialist transmuter classed into blood mage. Empowers spells by damaging himself, and has a couple other nifty tricks.

Cyrus: A psionic warrior! Specializing in serious ranged damage with Manyshot and psionic focus feats all tuned to dealing ludicrous damage with a bow.

Sadly, the first episode of this campaign was lost to technical difficulties. In it, our loyal heroes are charged to investigate a church where people keep disappearing! Boo disappearing. As our story begins…

Lyle: Okay, so my barghest had discovered something. A thing.
DM: Your what?
Lyle: My barghest.
DM: Oh. Yes. There’s a blood trail going into the church.
Cyrus: “I should have known!
Vigo: So now we go into the church? Since it’s obviously a bad idea?
Lyle: We’re geniuses, aren’t we?
Vigo: Well, taken in that context, like every adventuring party ever is full of idiots.

A thoughtful pause.

DM: Yeah.
Cyrus: Yeah, we can have the most boring adventure. “You’ve been tasked to go on a quest.” “No.”
Vigo: Yeah, we’re second level, but we are ALIVE.
Lyle: Is the church made of stone?
DM: Yes.
Lyle: All right, I’m going to summon an earth elemental, have it poke its head through, and report back on what it sees.
Cyrus: I thought you were gonna be all, “Is the church made of stone?” “Yes.” “STONE TO MUD!” The whole thing collapses.
Lyle: Problem solved. That would be great.

The Scarred One, not paying attention, is busy dousing the Wickerman to piss off the Alliance… uh, out of character, of course.

DM: The church is empty. There’s nothing in it. You didn’t have it, like, thoroughly examine it, did you?
Lyle: It only lasts five rounds, I figure there’s a limit to what I can get away with.
DM: Okay, it says the blood trail continues in, but it’s not sure where it goes.
Lyle: Does the barghest scent anything?
Scarred One: Farts.
DM: Death.
Lyle: That’s not helpful.
Scarred One: “Obviously it smells the blood on the ground.”
Lyle: “The church appears to be deserted!”
Vigo: Does it smell… the smell of defecation?
Scarred One: “I see we’re not needed here.”
Vigo: These orogs have taken over this holy place and used it as a breeding ground for swine! Didn’t you Divine Wrath or something after that?
Scarred One: I would’ve if I had it.

The players enjoy a really good laugh at how Hendlar chased that orog around the entire dungeon complex, being sabotaged by it repeatedly, till the orog just wandered into Barack and died on his blade. Good times of memories of assassinations are had.

DM: So are you heading further into the church, then?
Lyle: Yes, we’ll open the doors and head in.
DM: The doors were already open, the earth elemental opened it.
Lyle: Why did he open it instead of going through it?!
DM: ‘Cuz the door is wood!
Lyle: Why didn’t he go through the wall?!?!
DM: Because I like that tone in your voice. His greatest joy and love is making you guys be all, ‘what the fuck?!’ And now he’s on the other side of it.
Lyle: Apparently everything we say has to be worded as carefully as a wish.
Cyrus: No. Just you. Just you.
Lyle: Yeah. Everything I say I had to word carefully with no loopholes or exceptions.
Cyrus: I’m going to summon my earth elemental at my feet, and then I will command it to move towards the stone wall. It’ll use its ability to pass through earthly objects like stone…
Lyle: I have to specify which ability or it’ll try to use its darkvision to pass through. It’s ramming its eyeballs into the stone for some reason.
DM: I like that, I may use it.
Vigo: “Your creature was unable to determine anything useful from inside the church.”
Lyle: “It saw nothing.”
Vigo: “Heard nothing, smelled nothing.”
Lyle: “It doesn’t have much of a sense of smell, look at it – well, don’t look at it, you saw it when it was here.”
Vigo: “Tasted nothing.” He’s gone.
DM: We hardly knew him.
Vigo: “Summon him again.”
Lyle: “It’s not always the same one.”
Vigo: “I’m kidding. Well, the next one you summon, ask it to send back the one that was just here. Then do a third summon. We’re looking for this barghest…”
Lyle: He’s over there!
Vigo: “A halfing, a human, and a barghest walk into a bar…”
DM: I suppose he’s not a wolf now, I was gonna have him pissing against a tree.
Vigo: “And then the halfling says, ‘I didn’t know barghests could do that!’ Ah ha ha ha!”
Cyrus: And then you forgot you HAD HIM in the battle.
Lyle: He was a melee fighter anyway, what was he going to do? Charge up into the tree with everybody else. So two spiders, a barghest, and a mooncalf are up in a tree…
Vigo: “And then spider says to the other one, ‘I didn’t know a barghest could eat so much!’” That’s the end of the joke you walk in on…
Lyle: I cast Summon Better Comedy.
DM: It fizzles.
Vigo: You’re not high-enough level. A pun spell appears, you must read it..
Lyle: I attack with it. It does 13d6 subdual.
Vigo: Aaaaaah, subdual.
DM: Hey, this isn’t PUNgeons and Dragons. I’m not the Pungeon Master.
Lyle: Anyway, we enter the church.
Scarred One: “Why do you like puns so much?” “They’re PUNderful!”
Vigo: Yeah, we don’t have a door-kicker in this group. Don’t you have minions?
Lyle: I’m going to have them secure the perimeter out here.
DM: Oh, so your slingers are staying outside?
Vigo: That’s right, they’re an army of slingers!
Lyle: They can use other weapons.
Vigo: Yeah, but they’re an army of Ewoks, just with less fur!
Lyle: I dunno, have you seen their feet?
Cyrus: I will stay out here with your… goblins. Flaw: Cannibalistic, eats – No, but they’re not my race! That’s not cannibalism at all! Eating gnomes, I’m not a gnome, this it’s not cannibalism.
Lyle: When did they become gnomes?!
Cyrus: My character can’t tell, he’s very racist against short races!
Vigo: I’ll put that under ‘deity’.
Cyrus: My deity is the god of racism?! What is he, Hitler? He’s up there… (heiling)
Vigo: Alignment: CGR. You’re a chaotic good racist.
Lyle: Why is the official motto of your god, “Arbeit macht frei”?
Cyrus: He’s flinging out dead babies. If I was a mage I could have chaotic baby throw.

The standard game-banter checklist so neatly gone down, the party follows the trail o blood. Everyone tells Lyle to shut up for some reason.

DM: No, the trail of blood does NOT go to the altar. It goes past it.
Cyrus: To the bathroom.
DM: No.
Scarred One: Had some REALLY bad squirts.
Lyle: Well I think we can assume these tracks are genuine. After all they… (wait for it) Haven’t been altared.

A horrible silence. Someone injures Lyle, deservedly.

Vigo: So they lead… what’s past the altar? Like the back wall, right? Or do they just disappear in the middle of the floor?
DM: No, there is a bier in front of the altar—
Vigo: Ooh, I drink it.
DM: I knew that was going to happen… No, it’s where the coffins get put, not the good time.

The blood trail leads down a staircase in the back of the chuch. Original-Diablo jokes are made and Deckard Cain jokes are made, which inevitably lead to Sean Connery jokes. It’s an accent thing.

Vigo: So are we going down? Who’s going first?
Lyle: The earth elemental.
Vigo: Damn you and your, your uh…
Scarred One: Spontaneous earth elementals?
Vigo: Damn you and your scout-the-way minions that are expendable.
Cyrus: “Oh, I’m out of earth elementals!” Grabs a halfling, sticks a crystal in the back of his head. “Go!”
Lyle: I like how I ran out of my infinite summons. “Maybe I WAS using them a bit too much.” You see the Elemental Plane of Earth, there’s NOTHING there.
Cyrus: He just gets a note. “NO MORE.” You’re in the middle of the earth elemental civil war. You’re the CAUSE of it.

The DM describes various objects of potential value as they descend the staircase, and with the mercenary bent common to even the most lawfulest of good PCs, they ponder looting the place.

DM: Are you going to steal from the church?
Cyrus: That’s a good possibility.
Scarred One: I am NEUTRAL good…
Lyle: What god is this church of?
DM: Most of the tapestries are for the Demon Dragon.
Lyle: Uh, we better not piss off the Demon Dragon, guys.
Vigo: “If you can’t help yourself, perhaps we can get some on the way out.”
Lyle: If it was Benny, God of Ineffectual Retribution, I would all for it.
Vigo: Probably wouldn’t be much…
DM: The two-copper postage stamp-size tapestry to Benny the Ineffectual.
Vigo: We continue down, then?
DM: This is turning more into a cavern. It’s a little more rocky…
Vigo: The stairs becoming less artificial?
Lyle: Rocky?
DM: Yes.
Lyle: “Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!”

Lyle is injured by someone, deservedly. The discussion drifts to Arkham Asylum and how not non-lethal at all the fights in that game were. The group descends to find a large natural cavern with three insets in the walls. It smells like old death, but the blood spatter continues further down the stairs. The earth elemental continues to lead the way down.

DM: This is where the blood trail ends. There is a rotting, half-eaten carcass at the foot of the stairs.
Vigo: Ugh!
DM: And further in, it looks like at one point in time, this might have been an ossuary or something, but the bones are clustered in the middle of the floor in a giant pile.
Scarred One: 29 on my Heal check, how long has this body been here?
DM: Not even three days, maybe anywhere between a day and two days.
Vigo: How is this area lit?
DM: It’s not really lit…
Vigo: What is it a body of?
DM: It looks like a humanoid. Maybe half-elven, maybe human, it’s hard to tell. It’s pretty disfigured. It’s been gnawed on pretty bad.
Cyrus: Use your genetic tester to find out what race it was.

The group makes up progressively more ludicrous tests to identify information about the corpse. The barghest growls as the group hears scraping, and then the bones begin shifting!

Cyrus: I get my bow out, pull a shot, and I watch it!
Lyle: I order my fire elemental to go over and smoke it out.
Vigo: Yeah. Weapons drawn!
Cyrus: I got my bow!
Lyle: We’re all ready.
Vigo: If only we had your sling army.
Cyrus: A small child comes up. “AAAAAH!” Thump th-thump! Everybody’s alignment goes down…

Initiative is rolled. A green thing slithers out of the pile to bite the fire elemental, and everyone looks for applicable Knowledge rolls to identify it. It is some sort of foul undead! The fire elemental is immediately slain.

DM: Cyrus goes first. Cyrus the Virus!
Cyrus: I handily Concentrate so I can get my focus, and I unleash a barrage of arrows. (pause) Oh, I need to roll my…
Lyle: Attack roll.
Cyrus: Three of them, actually. Does a 35 hit?
DM: Yes.
Scarred One: God, I hope so.
Vigo: Did you say 35?!
Cyrus: Yes. 26?
DM: Yeah.
Cyrus: Oh, that hits… 72 points of damage.

It isn’t quite that much due to DR, but it’s still pretty hefty damn damage. An irritated Cyrus starts looking for smartphone die-rolling programs to simplify his damage. The DM listens to their horrific banter.

DM: The DM is stunned by your rape jokes!
Scarred One: Dead babies and Hitler, fine. Rape, draw the line.
Lyle: So Hitler raping a dead baby is right out.
Cyrus: Get the fuck out of the house.
Vigo: Hey, welcome to another edition of “See if you can guess who’s who in THIS transcription?”!
Lyle: Who crossed the line?

Lyle tales 10 points of damage and fails a Fort save, which as he points out is the first time anyone has ever failed a Fort save ever. He then suffers 2 points of Con drain.

Lyle: Drain?! Not damage, drain? That’s really bad.
Vigo: That means it’s gone gone?
Lyle: Yeah! Drain is bad.

Lacking a full cleric, he has no way to get the points back. This leads to him complaining about how the damn thing got to him in the first place. Failing to help, the Scarred One produces a fart app on his own smartphone. Vigo strikes the creature with his half-power sneak attack. Lyle’s minion does pathetic damage to it, and Lyle just teleports right the hell a short distance away to avoid it.

Scarred One: The ground erupts in earth and fire!
Lyle: Slaying everybody nearby.
Scarred One: No, everybody BUT that thing. It takes 14 impact damage from the rocks and 13 fire damage.

The spell knocks the creature on its ass. The DM retaliates with secondary ability damage to Lyle, but he saves this time. Vigo is thrilled that Lyle is angry! The Scarred One continues to spam fart noises….

DM: This will be transcribed as, “The campaign spends 15 minutes laughing at a fart app, which reduces the DM to tears.” It is Wellby’s turn.
Vigo: Excellent, he’s got a bludgeoning weapon!
Lyle: Actually, he’s got a greataxe.
Vigo: Isn’t that considered a blunt weapon…?

Wellby hurls his greataxe as Lyle spouts rules and modifications. His 26 damage annihilates the creature. Vigo and Cyrus are immediately called upon for Listen checks, though!

DM: You definitely hear something, Vigo, something scraping down the steps behind you.
Vigo: Oh Christ, we should’ve investigated that first room – scraping? Like metal on stone?
DM: It’s kind of like stone on stone, like it wants to be footsteps but isn’t quite.
Vigo: “Zombies” – no, there’s no stone zombies. Golem? Oh man. We’re trapped.
Lyle: We cannot get out.

Lyle sends an elemental up to investigate while the rest of the crown retreats. Cyrus struggles to spell ‘psionics’. The DM shows a picture from the sourcebook as to what approaches.

Lyle: I’m gonna start summoning shit as fast as possible.
Vigo: I’m gonna cast Invisibility now. “See you guys.” Then once they get down the stairs I can sneak past and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HEEEEEEEEEEERE! I won’t do that.
Lyle: Everybody step back away from it, since we’re mostly a ranged party. How much can I get off?
DM: Hmm?
Lyle: How much summoning can I get off?
DM: How much do you want?
Lyle: As much as possible, since they’re about to be here.
DM: They’re slow, they can’t run, so say two or three.
Lyle: I cast Summon Monster V to summon a pair of fiendish tigers, one on each side of the staircase.
Vigo: Is the barghest gonna jump on top of them and make a pyramid? Let’s go Voltron!
Lyle: That’s right. Voltron.
Vigo: Well, the punching and kicking tactics that never worked have failed, let’s go Blazing Sword.

Vigo complains about Voltron for a while, while Lyle drops down a pair of fiendish monstrous spiders to web, then hastes everybody. The first of the creatures comes down – and the pounce from the tigers annihilates it. A spiderweb entangles the one behind it. Cyrus begins merrily racking up damage against the construct, then bursts into profanity as he drops a die!

Cyrus: 91 points of damage.
Vigo: NINETY ONE POOOOOOOOOINTS?!

One is left! Vigo nails it with a couple of attacks, but the construct weakens his blows somewhat.

DM: Lyle. Your barghast. His turn.
Cyrus: I thought you were gonna say, “He’s dead.” We’re not crying over him.
Lyle: Yeah, I kinda thought that too.
DM: Well if you WANT me to…

The barghest deals 15 and takes nine, generally unimpressive numbers comparatively. Lyle summons a fire elemental and commands it to flank and Aid Another for Vigo.

Vigo: I cast don’t-know-what.

Irritated, the Scarred One searches for but cannot find the trollform spell. Everyone realizes they forgot their haste action. Cyrus gloats about his damage potential, until Lyle points out that he couldn’t kill Barack.

Scarred One: Drawing blood once more, I cast sound lance at this guy.
Lyle: Oh god, sound lance.
Vigo: Sound laaaaaance!
Lyle: Everybody loves sound lance.
Scarred One: For 54 damage.
DM: It crumples to the ground.
Vigo: Sound lance is like the hadouken of D&D.
Lyle: I overdid it with the tigers…

The group pats themselves on the back for their easy success. Cyrus wonders if he should have used cold iron arrows on the first creature.

Cyrus: Maybe he was a demonic undead.
Lyle: I’d know. I have 19 total bonus in Knowledge(the planes).
Cyrus: Just tell me when to break out the cold iron arrows! I have those.
Lyle: Trust me, one of us will know.
Cyrus: And trust me, I know what a werewolf looks like so I know when to use the silver ones.
Lyle: I also have a plus 19 to Bluff, so if I tell you something’s immune to cold iron, you’ll never know if it is or not.
Cyrus: Why would you lie to me…
Lyle: I’m a dick!
Cyrus: We’re sitting there dying. “If only I was using the proper arrows you son of a bitch!” ”That was a stupid idea now that I think about it!”

More farts occur! (Argh…) The characters laboriously sift through the bones for loot… and the DM realizes loot has already been given and furiously revokes said loot. The Scarred One attempts to make Lyle suffer.

Lyle: Oh, by the way, my tigers are still around.
Scarred One: That’s okay, I shift into my displacer form, let’s see them try to hit me now.
Lyle: Web. Glitterdust.
Scarred One: Teleport with error. Just my legs hanging from the rock.
Lyle: Kick kick! …kick…. ….kick.
Scarred One: Exactly. Great end to a character.
Lyle: That’d be horrible.
Scarred One: Why, because it’s so funny.
Cyrus: Just your head is stuck in a beam hanging from the ceiling.
Lyle: I’m not gonna let you heighten your spells. I cast Grease on your arms.
Scarred One: Trying to prick myself… (miming failed attempts at pricking himself)
Lyle: “It’s singing but I can’t anwer!”
Cyrus: He gets horrible penalties if it starts singing and he can’t bleed, it starts coming out of his ears.
Lyle: I cast mage armor on you. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

More farting. Seriously? The group is reduced to helpless tears and laughter, and after about ten minutes settles down enough to pat themselves on the back for their success once again. Lyle sends his barghest back to his tower.

Lyle: Oh, you get to keep him for a while, right?
Cyrus: But the tigers, they’ve gone away.
DM: Right, and the spiders.
Lyle: And the elemental.
DM: And the elemental.
Cyrus: And your pants for some reason.
Lyle: Yes, they were evil pants, summoned from the plane of evil pants.
Cyrus: “Soon we will be on the crotches of every man and we will rule the world!”
Lyle: No, my binding prevents that. I cast Circle of Protection on my… area.
Cyrus: “Ah, but we’re not conquering the world of halflings! We’re conquering the world of MAN!”
Lyle: I’m fine with that. I mean. No. That is bad.

They return to the king and are rewarded a fat bonus for their work! Lyle quickly goes to see a cleric friend of his for a restoration.

Cyrus: You go to the local church. All the clerics are slaughtered on the ground! You see a banner, “All Clerics Meeting.” All clerics within a 2000-mile radius were here today.
Lyle: No, all clerics –
Lyle and Cyrus: Who can cast restoration—
Cyrus: In the world were here today.

The DM plots maliciously to make things harder on the PCs as the game comes to an end.