Sadly, a great deal of this game report was lost due to a failure on the part of the recording laptop. The short version is that they fought the hook horrors, continued deeper into the cave, and ran into another Sedai. Calinai and said Sedai settled down to swap stories. Out of character, the group invented the Meta Alarm, which repeats “meta! Meta! Meta!” every time someone is, well, meta.

Calinai: “…we made our way out to find more Whitecloaks. Taking the night, we then were stopped by a very large… what I assume maybe was a roc—“
DM: Wyvern. Wyvern.
Calinai: “Wyvern, flying above.”
DM: Roc was a little above the challenge level I was trying to set for you guys.
Calinai: “Avoiding that challenge we went back into the cave, hoping maybe there was another exit. We ran into several creatures before this, sadly we were not at full capacity to deal with them at our best, but we managed to pull through nonetheless.”
DM: “You do have a haggard look about you. Must’ve taken quite a few feats of courage to come this deep in the labyrinth.”
Calinai: “Nothing we could not handle, but any continued activity would not be forthcoming.”
DM: “Well Sister, perhaps you should return to the surface and regain your strength.”
Calinai: “Why are you here, noble Sister?”
DM: “I’m here on Tower business, that should be more than enough for you.
Falgrim: Roll eyes!
DM: “A fledgling sister such as yourself can’t have been raised more than six months ago as I would guess. Do you presume to give Melisandre Sedai orders?!”
Calinai: “I just asked you a question.”
DM: “We’ll leave it at that.”
Calinai: “My raising is my own business, as you’ve just said.”
Inferian: You’re gonna get demoted so hardcore.
Calinai: Psh, she doesn’t have that power.
Falgrim: Come at me, bro!
Calinai: “But as I said, thank you for the aid, Sister. I have other tasks at hand, as you do, I assume.”
DM: “You assume correctly!”
Calinai: “Then I guess it’s not an assumption.”
DM: “Go your own way if you wish.”
Calinai: “Is there another exit? Actually, I would assume so, since the path we took was very treacherous and I doubt you were able – well, you might have been able to sneak past, but a lady of your power probably would’ve torn straight through.”
DM: “If you’ve removed obstacles from the way you came as you say, you can probably return that way unmolested. However, if you go back down this passage,” and she indicates with a flick of her head—
Calinai: I’m – I’m having trouble figuring out if this is a girl, what kind of a voice is that?
DM: Think Evil-lyn.
Calinai: Oh okay.
DM: It’s kind of raspy and like, six packs a day.
Inferian: “Wait, what’s your problem with her voice?”
DM: Oh, Inferian’s besotted!
Calinai: I’ve gotten used to your rasp, I assume you’re a girl in disguise who has a horrible voice.
DM: (soft mellow voice which he gradually loses as he speaks) “Do I have to do this every time I do a female character,” I don’t have it…
Calinai: I’m not saying we expect it, just when you first started the voice I was like, “Are we talking to someone else?”
Inferian: You should’ve given her Swerengin’s voice. Full on profanity mode.
DM: I have a very clear persona in my head for her.
Inferian: (maniacally shrill) “AH HA HA HA HA! So my pretties, you all have fallen into the clutches of ME, Morian Sedai! Ah, ha ha! Apple?”
Falgrim: “Oh, I don’t mind if I do.”
DM: Oh, he made his Fortitude save.
Inferian: “What is the Fortitude save AT for poison!?”
Falgrim: “Mine? Plus four.”
Inferian: “Oh, this was much easier when I stuck to princesses!”
Calinai: What is this, the D&D version of Sleeping Beauty? She bites the apple, “Oh this is really good.”
Inferian: The seven dwarves show up, they’re like 14th level each.
Calinai: “Don’t worry, we told her to switch classes from princess to warrior.”
Inferian: (making a motion as if beheading the evil queen) Campaign over.
Caliani: Princess is the class... she has two levels in princess, 20 levels in fighter. Just enough princess to get by. …I want to leave her as soon as possible.

If they go out the way the other Sedai came, they’ll reach a parallel passage to the hydra’s lair. They elect to go back, shunning the Sedai’s polite but incredibly begrudging offer of assistance. They decline, shove their intestines back in and seal the wounds with sovereign glue, and head back.

Calinai: The basilisks have finally picked themselves back up.
Inferian: Aww, why do they regenerate?!
DM: You like, you chopped them into so many pieces…
Inferian: Oh great, that means there’s like ten basilisks now.
Falgrim: They’re all tiny.
DM: You chopped the one into little bits…
Inferian: All right, Falgrim, you go fight the basilisks, we’ll be in the back doing this. (covering his eyes)
DM: Between Falgrim and Sioneva you put the eyes out of the other one. Broken down, beaten, and scarred, you make your way back to the hydra’s layer, sidestepping the deadfall.
Falgrim: Oh good, he didn’t make us roll for it. “Aaaaaaaaaah…”
Inferian: And that was the end of Falgrim.
Falgrim: 5d6 damage, I might have survived it.
DM: To your horror, you find that the hydra’s layer is now the PONY’S layer!
Falgrim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DM: The pony-sphinx! If you wish to pass, you must…
Inferian: Answer this riddle. And the riddle is just, “:You must grapple me.” “That’s not a riddle!” “Answer it or die.” “D’oh!”
Calinai: Why are we always ending up in Hendlar’s Hell?
Inferian: ‘Cuz Hendlar is a good man whose hell speaks to all of us.
Calinai: Ponies.
DM: This campaign is designed to—
Inferian: Punish us all for our sins in our games.
DM: Yeah, you’re gonna all have your own individual hell. I don’t know what to do for Sioneva, though, I don’t know what hell is for her characters. I’ll make you topple Inferian as leader of this group.
Calinai: No, her character has to live with… like nine version of his character surrounding her constantly.
DM: All your thralls will end up being lickspittles that end up speaking exactly like you.
Inferian: “We will speak like the master—“ (raspy voice) “—from now on.”
Calinai: You have minions?
Inferian: (who has had a level of thrallherd for two sessions now) EVENTUALLY!
DM: Yeah, I, I couldn’t, from a DM’s perspective, really insert them into these scenarios.
Inferian: For some reason we find them all down here fighting the hook horrors.
Calinai: No, they were riding the wyvern’s back. “I wonder if that guy we’re looking for is down there, claw out the entrance so we can get in!”
Inferian: “BAD wyvern, that is not how we knock politely.”

It turns into a Black and White discussion with a few Rocko’s Modern Life references, and the group reaches the surface once again.

Inferian: I wish I had a minion I could eat right now.
Calinai: We go back there and it’s just the wyvern sleeping there.
Inferian: Quick, wrestle it. Oh wait, you can’t do that.
Falgrim: I can do it, just not as well as my other character.
Inferian: The wyvern flies off with Falgrim still clinging to its back. “Uh-oh.”

Falgrim’s elasticity is discussed as the group looks at the ripped-open entrance. It is dark outside, but the DM is being vague on how long they spent down there – is it late evening or early morning?

Inferian: Are we exhausted?
DM: From the ordeal, I would assume so.
Inferian: But not like, “oh we missed a night of sleep.”
Falgrim: Meta. Meta. Meta.
Inferian: That’s a legitimate question! I think we’d notice if we were all, “Oh, must sleep…”
Falgrim: “Do I have ‘exhaustion’ on my character sheer?” is what you basically asked.
Inferian: I did not, and besides, that’s not the same thing anyway.

They guess it’s late evening, and gleefully set up camp in the ruined cavern. Healing is pitched around. Inferian hears a distant horse on his watch.

Inferian: I assume it’s one of the many many horses we’ve lost on this adventure.
Falgrim: All that food.
Inferian: The worgs can only eat so much, one of them might have survived.
DM: Worgs, yes, they’re still following you.
Inferian: I would believe it. Those goddamn worgs, they hated us from the moment they saw us for no good reason. It’s like someone wrote –
DM: They’re evil creatures!
Inferian: That’s it! Swerengin’s blessing, that alleged arcane mumbo-jumbo that none of us knew what it was? That was a worg-attracting spell. That asshole!
DM: Whichever one of you spoke Draconic, I basically translated for you what he was saying, and it amounted to, “Ding dong the witch is dead, gobbledygook and a pile of crap.”
Inferian: But we were all sure that something happened.
DM: You all had a spell cast on you –
Inferian: Yes!
DM: But what he was saying had nothing to do with it.
Inferian: But he was just making it up, so we wouldn’t realize it was a –
Inferian and DM: Worg-attracting spell.
DM: Well if it was, he would probably have the sense of humor to be all, “Ah, a bunch of wolves will hound your steps and all your ways for all your days, blah-blah-blah.” He wouldn’t pass up this opportunity!
Inferian: No, he cast worg-attracting spells on everybody else he’d given the blessing to that day and he was out of lyrics, so he just made something up because he was fed up with giving these clever worg-attracting-spell pun jokes. You can’t fool me, I have ranks in Sense Motive, dammit!
Sioneva: Yeah, it’s called paranoia.
Inferian: What’s the difference?
DM: One actually is working, the other is you telling yourself it’s working.

The DM, who continues to place monsters that don’t drop treasure, ponders how best to get the PCs their level-appropriate total wealth.

DM: I’ll probably just have – frickin’ his thrall, that’ll be like all their possessions and they just like, give them to him. And in a fit of companionship he’ll divvy it all up evenly with the rest of you.
Sioneva: Yeah, right.
Calinai: “Fit of companionship”?
DM: An uncharacteristic fit of companionship… why do all these items suck? I have to make up stuff to give you because everything you roll for…

Sioneva calls Inferian’s phone just to demonstrate to the group at large that his ringtone is the theme song for My Little Pony. Inferian tells Falgrim, his replacement, about the distant horse noises.

Inferian: So the demon horse approaches ever nigh… the demon horse approached ever neigh.
DM: What’d you roll?
Falgrim: 13 on Listen, 19 on Spot.
DM: From your vantage inside the cavern—
Inferian: You see the wyvern making horse noises.
DM: You don’t hear any of the telltale heavy flapping – yeah. You know like in “Return to Oz” when they’re flying the couch over the desert that will turn them to stone? That.

The skies have cleared up and the night is bright and starry above them. Falgrim’s watch passess uneventfully.

Inferian: You ever watch “Tremors”, ‘cuz, what happens next…
DM: What, the Graboids are gonna get you at the cave opening? There are no Graboids.
Inferian: Yes, they’re termed ‘Grabods’ here.
Falgrim: I nudge Sioneva and be, “Aye, it’s your watch now, lass.”
Inferian: I like how it turned into a mental effort not to say Sha-nay-nay. “I nudge Sha…. neeevaaaa.”
Falgrim: There was a little…

The discussion stays glued to Tremors for a while, then onto how the group is like, four years old.

DM: You used to put peppermint patties in front of your eyes… wasn’t that you? Then you’d turn around and be like, “this is my version of steampunk, yay!”
Inferian: Pattypunk. All of our technological devices are made out of peppermint patties, and powered by the cool breath of mint they contain.
Falgrim: “I’m on top of a mountain!”

Sioneva rolls much better on her checks, and hears the horse braying – nay, many horses! She also hears voices, carried on the wind. As morning comes, they finally hear the group out there start on the move towards them, as well as snatches of conversation. The players helpfully supply the voices; it is horrible and wouldn’t be classy enough for South Park.

DM: Now a raised voice comes into the cave. “Hail! In the cave!”
Inferian: Oh crap! (covering his head against hail) Predictable, but still comedy.
Calinai: I just sort of stare out. I don’t say anything.
DM: “Come out where you can be seen in the light!” You continue to ignore their shouts?
Calinai: I’m waiting for him to say who he is.
DM: He’s not identifying himself.
Calinai: Well then he could be… smugglers. Or bandits.
DM: “Come forth now! Or we will come in and bring the Light with us!”
Calinai: One of them’s got a sun on a stick. “Ha ha!” “I can’t bring the sun in, sir!” (actually IC now) “I do not answer those who do not say who they are.”
Inferian: You just did.
DM: That’s exactly what the other one at the cave opening says.
Falgrim: Smartass.
Calinai: “I did not answer you, I just asked you a question.”
DM: “What question didst thou ask?!”
Calinai: “WHO ARE YOU?!” 24!
DM: Diplomacy?
Calinai: Hell yeah! I’m actually trained in that shit! It was a class ability, I took it!
Inferian: But you only just remembered it now.
Calinai: But it’s trained, I have ranks in that shit!
Inferian: How many?
Calinai: …one rank.
DM: “You have the honor to be addressing Captian Janos.”
Calinai: (singing) Captain Janos!
Inferian: He’s a hero!
DM: “Son of the Light!”
Calinai: I’m gonna roll my Knowledge… would it be local or nobility?
Inferian: Douchebags.
DM: Yeah, it would probably be Knowledge(douchebags).
Calinai: Got 5 ranks in that.
DM: There are only a handful of Whitecloak names that would be well-know.
Calinai: Okay, I know they’re Whitecloaks.

The Captain continues to demand Calinai come out; she makes excuses, claiming to be hiding from the wyvern. The Captain reveals they have slain it, then continues to threaten.

Calinai: “I happen to be a… fair lady who is indecent at the moment, and can’t be—“

Calinai is interrupted by the entire group bursting into incredulous laughter. The DM demands a roll between tears.

Calinai: Would this be a Bluff?
DM: Well if you roll a 1, they’ll all come charging in there!
Inferian: “Must see! Must see!”
DM: You know, hearts where their eyes should be! They don’t take a vow of celibacy, but even so, they’re a pretty much male-only militant order, so yeah. And their officers would typically shoot down any porn.
Inferian: They’d love the chance to take the “situational homosexuality” off their resume for a day or two.
Calinai: 18.
DM: 18, you say?
Calinai: (gruff voice) “I have a penis too.”
Inferian: Shoulda gone “I’m a lady whose rather indecent at the moment!” and have Falgrim poke his head out.
DM: The officer’s voice changes slightly at your revelation. “Well then, let it not be said that we could not respect a lady’s privacy! Garb yourself, then come forth, that we may know you.”
Inferian: Your clothes got stolen by the wyvern.
Falgrim: Oh my god.
DM: They’ve saved a maiden fair from a hideous beast! They want to bask in your gratitude.
Calinai: Seriously, I don’t need that. “Okay!” I look through my clothes to find the most incon – I do have some other clothes. So what I’m gonna do.. “Hold on, I’ll be out in a minute! Or more!”

Calinai hurriedly divests herself of any evidence of being Sedai and dons a shabby robe. Inferian gives her his psicrystal as the others dress and prepare.

DM: As you walk out –
Inferian: 187 arrows.
DM: You might remember that the cave entrance slopes into the hillside, and it’s obviously been made bigger by the wyvern’s attempts to get in and eat you. So when you come up to the point that the light starts hitting you –
Falgrim: So do the arrows.
DM: You see the two Whitecloaks—
Falgrim: Two?! Fuck that! RAAAAAAAARGH!
Inferian: Yeah, what have we been worried about?!
DM: The two that are at the cave entrance. At this distance you can see behind them, you can make out behind them…
Inferian: Make another Bluff check. “Offering my gratitude, come back into the cave!” (mimes clubbing someone over the head) Clunk. “Next!”
DM: There’s probably another three or four standing about horses outside.

Calina does a quick count – six total. This relieves everyone.

Falgrim: And then there’s that bastard in the tree trying to be sneaky.
DM: “It is true many of us were slain.”
Calinai: Oh god, I’m gonna be raped, aren’t I. I hate you.
DM: What?!
Calinai: I’m not paying them in my body!
DM: Oh. I – I wasn’t going there, with that.
Calinai: Oh, I thought you were going, “Many men were slain by it, we could use a reward.”
Falgrim: “It made the rest of us really horny for some reason.”
Inferian: “You know, situational homosexuality just isn’t as much fun when you’re so limited in partners.”
Calinai: Situational homos… you’re scaring Falgrim, calm down!

It only gets worse. We’ll skip that.

DM: “But we do not waver in our quest.” The one next to him finally speaks up. “Yes.” (odd pause)
Inferian: “That’s all I had to say.”
Falgrim: “You are correct.”
Inferian: He’s like the Soundwave of… “As you command, captain.” He’s a conjurer! He summons! “Centipede! Beetle! Quasit! Elemental! Eject! Operation: fuck some shit up!” So we’re fighting Soundwave. Soundwave and the situational homosexuals. Sounds like a band name! “Now opening for Metallica: Soundwave and the Situational Homosexuals.”
DM: “We track a band of filthy darkfriends, heading north out of Ilian.”
Falgrim: Ooh boy.
Calinai: “I’m happy I did not run into such fiends.”
DM: “We came along a camp a few hours from here where they must have stopped along the road. Have you seen anyone else?”
Calinai: “When I traveled into the cave, I saw some dead large beasts, and then there was some bodies nearby, stone and broken.”
DM: The second one has stopped talking.
Inferian: He’s probably detecting a lie. …fortunately, you’re not lying!
Calinai: “And I don’t know what happened to the bodies of the strange beasts, two of them are down but there are many stone figurines nearby, many of them broken, unrepairable.”
DM: “Stone figurines?” This is the captain. I have to be EXTRA BOMBASTIC! “Stone figurines?”
Calinai: “Well, they were broken on the floor. I’ve heard rumors of such creatures that can turn things to stone, but never such as this.”
Inferian: (whispering) “Falgrim quick, go get a basilisk skin and pretend to be one.”
Calinai: He just gets pelted with arrows until he falls over!
Inferian: …I don’t know where I was going with this.
Calinai: He’s cursing you from his grave!
Inferian: Falgrim’s over here making rolls, to come back as a ghost and haunt me.
DM: “Perhaps these darkfriends met an untimely end at the hands of some foul beast in the caves.”
Calinai: “I do hope so. Such fiends, I hope I never run into them.”
DM: The second one gets in close and starts mumbling in the captain’s ear.
Inferian: Welp, jig’s up.
DM: When he’s done, the lackey folds his arms, the captain speaks up finally. “And where did you come from, when you were traveling the road.”
Calinai: “For the last few days I’ve been venturing through the forest. I wanted to go through the town, but such are my wares, they would not let me in.”
DM: Are you actually lying?
Calinai: No… actually, hold on, lemme come up with a better story.
Inferian: “Wait, wait, no, hold on, I have Bluff, I did better than that!” “We’ll give you a moment to roll that.”
Falgrim: Bend the truth, bend the truth.
Calinai: All right, I rolled a 21 on my Bluff.
Inferian: “Boobs. Look at them. Aren’t they great? Ignore me!”
Calinai: “I left town about four days ago and I’ve been making my way slowly across the road. Being who I am I don’t travel too far, I have enough supplies to make camp a few times, usually small, as far off the road as I can to avoid bandits. I heard rumors about bad men out here, and I’ve been trying to avoid them.”
DM: “And are you traveling alone?”

A long pause.

Sioneva: You have your handmaiden with you!
Inferian: You can’t say that all the way from back there! Leave him alone to think up his lies.
Calinai: 19 on the next Bluff. “I don’t want to talk about my companions.”
DM: “Is that because they were the filthy sniveling darkfriends we were talking about a moment ago?”
Calinai: “Why would I cry for such dark beasts! My friends were noble. Noble Whitecloaks.”
Inferian: Now he’s lying.
Calinai: I’m BLUFFING, I rolled!
Inferian: You went too far with the Whitecloaks. The noble thing was really pushing it too.
Falgrim: Heeeeeeeey.
Inferian: Oh wait, technically, you’re noble in behavior, and I’m noble by heritage…
Calinai: I was trying to refer to the cloaks that we killed earlier as they were my traveling companions…
Inferian: How far away from us are these guys? Just out of curiosity.
DM: I was just getting to that. As your crocodile tears hit the cavern floor, the Captain says, “Of course you would not cry for those filthy darkfriends, for you being a witch are obviously one of them!”
Calinai: Damn it! Mage armor!
DM: The two step forward enough so the sun’s not obscuring the features enough that you can see them. The captain’s typical, bulbous nose, puffed-up popinjay.
Calinai: Damn it, they saw through my lies!
Inferian: It was inevitable.
DM: The shorter one next to him looks rather familiar.
Falgrim: Ah, the guy who got away.
Calinai: Damn it!
Inferian: I knew he was gonna show up some place, that’s why this was inevitable.
Calinai: That’s why he said earlier, “Your choices will have consequences, nyeh heh heh heh!”
DM: (pointing at Inferian) I just said that because I like saying things that HE’s said which have chilled me to the bone. “I’m sorry your actions have consequences.”

Calinai hurriedly casts protection spells as the Whitecloaks demand her surrender. The group begins buffing, as the groups trade threats, when suddenly a commotion comes up from the Whitecloaks in the back.

Inferian: Yay, my army!
DM: ….asshole.
Inferian: I don’t know that in-character!
DM: No you don’t!

The Captain assumes the thralls which have surrounded the Whitecloaks are Calinai’s darkfriends. They surrender defiantly, but a baffled Calinai just lets them go.

DM: They take a moment to consider whether or not that was simply a way to get them to turn their backs so you can feather them or do whatever darkfriendy thing it is you do…
Inferian: Feather them! Oh right, TAR first, THEN feather.
Calinai: Hot voil? Oh! Hot oil! I thought you said ‘hot voil’!

Falgrim steps up to menace the Whitecloaks, now that they’ve surrendered. The DM questions how, exactly, they will allow this surrender-and-release to go off.

Falgrim: Let’s hobble ‘em. OUR fashion.
DM: You cut all of their horses legs off.
Inferian: The horses have to drag themselves to town with their lips. You see the Whitecloaks on their backs, arms crossed.
DM: Will you hobble the Whitecloaks as well?
Inferian: “Sir, couldn’t we walk?” “It’s beneath our dignity.” Inching forward…

Calinai and Inferian discuss who won in the inevitable fight between the psicrystal and Calinai’s snake. The Whitecloaks sulk off, but without shouting threats. Inferian’s minions, led by his thrall, Benar (Rogue 4, Barbarian 1).

DM: One steps forward, sword in hand. “Inferian val’Tothis?”
Inferian: “That is me.”
DM: “My lord Dragon. We have come to swear ourselves to your service.”
Inferian: “I see the call to arms I put out before leaving home has borne fruit.” OR SO I THINK!
DM: They all take a knee and lay their weapons at their feet.
Falgrim: “Did you just call the lad… ‘Dragon’?”
DM: “Well of course. Who else would we call the Dragon but the Lord Dragon himself?”
Falgrim: “Aye ay ay.”
DM: “Word has spread of his deeds! We’ve come to swear ourselves to him.”
Calinai: (as sarcastic as is possible) “Oh we have not HEARD of these MANY deeds! Did he tell us about these deeds? Oh please, please sir, tells up about the Dragon’s many deeds.”
Inferian: “Kick her ass.”
Calinai: “I am just a lowly maiden –“
Inferian: God damn, you cleaved through ‘em all! 24 hours later: boing! “Lord Dragon!”
Sioneva: It’s not like the look on my face isn’t priceless, Calinai is just putting words in my mouth as I sit here…
DM: “It has been seen and reported that the Lord Dragon has cast fire and lightning upon his foes, like the Sedai of old!”
Inferian: “I kinda did that, didn’t I.”
DM: “And I say to myself…”
Sioneva: “Self…”
DM: “Baron, I say to myself, Baron –“
Inferian: I love how he’s a rogue, he’s a barbarian, and he’s also a baron.
DM: “I say to myself, Baron, this man is destined to save us all! I must needs go offer him my services.”
Calinai: “Such a powerful warrior would not be incapacitated by lowly beasts, the powerful Dragon!”
Inferian: “They took out Falgrim too, I don’t know why you’re saying that as if it’s something to be prejudiced about.”
Falgrim: “Blood and bloody ashes, this’s crazy.”
DM: “My lord, we have also brought gifts to aid you on your quest!”
Falgrim: Oh, our treasure!
Inferian: Ha ha ha, NOW you’re gonna warm up to these guys!
Falgrim: That was totally: Meta. Meta. Meta.
Calinai: Slave girls. Somehow the moment I try to get the treasure, “Hold on! This treasure’s not for you, wench!”
DM: “It is not much, but we know that every bit will help.”
Falgrim: That means he rolled poorly.
Inferian: Meta. Meta.
DM: “You must gather armies and bring all the banners of the lands to your cause!” There’s a sack and a small chest.

They abandon all pretense of RP for loot: 7320 gold, breaking it all down. Calinai vows to invent the ultimate weapons, the Thrall-launcher.

DM: Baron steps forward. “And my lord Dragon—“
Inferian: Benar?
DM: Benar. Baron.
Inferian: Baron Benar. I now assimilate you to my control! His character sheet appears in front of me.
DM: “From my house I offer these to you, my own gifts.”

More loot! Scrolls, a crystal which supposedly has revelatory powers, a couple of potions, a ring which ‘imbues the quality of life’ – a life ring, in other words – a pair of gloves which appear to have the power to disrupt magic, which no one really wants despite them being useful, and a five-knotted cord which improves dispelling.

DM: “And lastly Lord Dragon, my most treasured possession.”
Inferian: “My body.”
DM: He returns to his horse and – heh heh, that’s up to you.
Inferian: “What do I look like, a Whitcloak?”
Falgrim: SURROUNDED BY FAGGOTS!
Inferian: “Don’t mind him, he lost a game of homophobe chicken.”
Calinai: Oh, we know of this game.
DM: He returns to the line of horses him and his followers have –
Inferian: Slays his horse, and offers it up.
DM: Benar removes from underneath his saddle wrappings what is clearly a sheath, a large one, with a hilt protruding from it. He returns to your side, takes a knee once more, extends the sword. “This blade belonged to my father, and his father, and his father, all the way back as far as any records of our house. It’s a magic blade of power, made during the…” I haven’t come up with a name for it in this campaign setting.
Inferian: The Kickassing.
DM: The great trolloc wars.
Inferian: What type of blade is it?
DM: It’s a greatsword.

Inferian draws the sword, only for it to chill him. Calinai tries to nudge him over the edge of sanity, verbally.

Inferian: “You’re all welcome to my side. Not just for the gifts you bring, but your loyalty is a strong testament to the rightness of my cause.”
DM: “Our lives are yours, Lord Dragon.”
Calinai: Good, ‘cuz we are hungry! “But sir, I brought food for us!” “No, I hunger for flesh.”
DM: Benar goes on to say, “Our only regret is that we were not the first ones to clamor to your side,” as he casts a look over the rest of your companions.
Inferian: This is where you all deny knowing me.
Sioneva: “This jackass?”
Calinai: “Of course, how could I not be with the nooooooble Dragon. A Sedai such as myself could not hope but AWE at his power.”
DM: Strangely enough, even with the venom dripping from your mouth, it seems to sail right over their heads.
Falgrim: “They’re enthralled.”
Inferian: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!
Falgrim: I’m just using it as an actual term!
Inferian: I could have just taken the Leadership feat!
Falgrim: It’s not meta!
Inferian: “Falgrim. Remember when I asked if you would be willing to join my cause in setting right the wrongs that had been done?”
Falgrim: “Aye, I said yes, and I still do.”
Inferian: “Although our greater priority is to the safety of the world itself…”
Falgrim: “Oh aye, that does kind of trump it. But if we do find ourselves in the general area, then yeah, we can do something.”
Inferian: “Then, my loyal servant Benar, you will find I can do no better honor to your family’s blade than giving it to one who wields it so masterfully.”
Calinai: Instantly shatters.
Inferian: No, it was anti-dwarf!
Falgrim: “Oh, the one I had was better.” (mimes snapping it)
Inferian: Whaddya MEAN yours is better!?
Falgrim: Mine’s a +1 greatsword!
Inferian: This is automatically a +1, PLUS the frost effect.
DM: Actually, plus 2.
Falgrim: Oh, okay. “You do me a great honor, and to you, Benar, I will use it both wisely and honorably.”
Inferian: It’s too bad there was no loot that I could use.

They hash out the details of the frostbrand abilities. Everyone tells Inferian to shut up for some reason. The DM allots experience, and there the game ends.