With game delayed for three weeks due to the unfortunate absence of one player, the remaining folks have said “screw it” and cobbled together a one-off campaign to entertain themselves and get some hacklust out of their system. We join our heroes just as characters have been rolled to perfection and are venturing out to track down a rogue wizard and bring them to justice.

Sadly, this session marks the beginning of several in which the audio files were for some reason corrupted or lost for reasons unknown. Consequently some of the audio is missing or… odd. The intrepid game transcriber will do his best.

DM: You’re going north to the province of... Diemed 2.
Adrian: That’s super.
DM: I don’t have the Ruins of Empire book! I’ll grab names later.
Ridan: Did you like… grab me too?
DM: We’ll get to you later.
Adrian: You’re getting into this story, stop muscling your way in, muscley.
DM: I just wanna get them on their way, they want names.
Adrian: I didn’t say I wanted a name, I just vowed to get a more precise map in the future!
DM: Oh, okay. Anyway, you know where the town is, where you’re headed, your location. The province to the north, just outside of the small town of Rookery. This particular town specializes in… wheat farming, actually. Sending out most of their goods to the capital, some of the outlying villages.
Adrian: Be aware, we’re entering into a country not necessarily friendly to my own.
DM: What? This is a province under your territory.
Adrian: Oh is it? I thought we were going to Diemed.
DM: That’s where your kingdom is.
Adrian: My kingdom replaced Medoere.
DM: Oh, you just… left that and went to Medoere? I thought as the son you just… went and conquered someplace else. I was gonna play it as that.
Adrian: Diemed was too big for me to pick up with my limited domain points.
DM: That’s fine, your father owns that, but we can go for Medoere too. Your father just owns Medoere, then. That works out better. You go to a province north of Medoere to a town called Rookery. You’re staying within your province which is what I wanted to do. You tend to not take missions that take you outside of your own kingdom. Being the son of a lord, you don’t want to put yourself in enemy hands.
Adrian: Father would not be pleased.
Tanden: No, he wouldn’t. And he would blame me.
DM: You are on horseback, you are able to get there in a little bit. Going over to…
Ridan: Ridan.
DM: Ridan, you have just come back to port. You decided to end up taking an extra year out to the sea just to sort of become one with your bloodline, and you’ve only just returned. They of course were not aware, or maybe he forgot, as usual. There’s adventuring afoot! But you don’t know they’ve left yet so you head over to the kingdom to seek an audience because you’re one of his friends. You’re able to talk to the king because he was actually looking for somebody, and when your name popped up as being in the kingdom, he hurried you along.
Adrian: (growling) “Evil and corruption wait for no man.”
Tanden: “…you okay?”
Adrian: “Frog in my throat.”
DM: (snickering) “I’m Batman,” (back to the role of king) “It’s good you are here. I was hoping I could send someone out to keep an eye on the boy, maybe just give him a hand. Sadly, the mission he grabbed was a bit more… how you say, hectic that I would have rather had him go on. Normally I don’t mind him going on his escapades, I send a couple low-level troops just to give – just to keep an eye on him, but he might need a bit more backup, and you’re right along… that area.”
Ridan: “Very well, your Lordship, I’ll head along. Good thing I haven’t unpacked yet…”
DM: “Here’s the mission report. They’re heading up to a small town called Rookery. They probably only left an hour ago, you should be able to catch up with them.”
Ridan: “One hopes.”
DM: “I’ll probably still send someone else, we’ll see what happens. I trust you will be able to find him.” Back to you all.
Tanden: (supplying his own Monty Python and the Holy Grail music)
Adrian: “Clap the coconuts.”
Tanden: “No. You do this.”
Adrian: “No! I-I’m the son, here.”
Tanden: “I don’t care. I’m the paladin.”
Adrian: “…we need to get squires.”
Tanden: “You boy, cutting that tree down, come over here. Clap these together.”

They reach their destination, then actually think to check the mission briefing they’d grabbed.

Adrian: CR 7.
DM: Evil medusa afoot. Rhoubhe Manslayer riding medusa afoot.
Adrian: That had to be uncomfortable. The snakes alone would be in an area I wouldn’t get near…
DM: “Ha ha, bitch! I ripped out your snakes! Oh, they grew back. Never mind. CHARGE!” It’s a large medusa, so he’s on her neck, his legs wrapped around her chest.
Adrian: I’m not quite as afraid of him as I feel I should be.
DM: And more so of the medusa, who’s like ten feet tall.
Adrian: “In any case, we should see exactly what it is we’re doing up here.”
Tanden: “Did you not read this before we left?”
Adrian: “No. My heightened intelligence just… shorted out on me, there.”

The report speaks of chaotic magic, bright lights and flashes and whatnot, for days on end.

Adrian: What’s the CR on the aurora borealis?
DM: You don’t wanna know.
Adrian: Oh great. This is the worst awnshegh ever.
Tanden: “YES! I AM NOW AN ANSWSHEGH! Ah ha ha… oh. Oh crap. So wait, I just float in the air menacingly, here?”
Adrian: “Well, you can’t actually do anything. On the upside, you have insane DR.”

Adrian threatens to rename the kingdom of Medoere to “Dinty Moore”, the stew kingdom. The general idea is that someone or something is performing magic in this area to the north, which is forbidden unless the spellcaster has registered themselves with the kingdom.

DM: He probably would’ve preferred a more senior person to investigate, but you are now there.
Adrian: “You and I are well-versed in the ways of the sword, or alterTandenly, the morning star. It would be cowardly of us to turn back!”
Tanden: “Aye.”
DM: You’re adjusting your armor because you’re sweating a bit.
Adrian: (tugging at his collar) “Whoa-ho, man. What’d we get into?”
Tanden: “Arcane is unknown to us, but we can see it as a challenge.”
Adrian: I have ranks in Knowledge(arcana).
Tanden: “I’m not that well-versed in…” Do you have [knowledge]Nobility?
Adrian: No.
Tanden: Well I know Nobility, so NYEH!

For some reason, Adrian and Tanden get in a Concentration fight… allowing Ridan to catch up to them. The DM calls for a Listen check. Tanden gets a natural 1, Adrian a modified 20. Adrian hears the horse approaching, while Tanden prepares to flee the on-rushing STAMPEDE he’s convinced is coming thisaway. Adrian spots Ridan approaching. Tanden spots… a bird in a tree, looking at him.

Adrian: Five minutes into the campaign and your character’s already a walking joke, Tanden.

The three friends reunite at last, after five years or so of Ridan having been off at the academy. Tanden boggles at Ridan privately.

DM: Roll to control your whisper!
Tanden: I roll a natural 1. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUM!”
DM: No, no. You have a high Charisma, you know better than to do that.
Adrian: Except with a natural 1! The Tactbreaker! Like a reverse Mento!
Ridan: I have a higher Charisma too. And boobs.

Comparing Charisma breakdowns, it’s actually 19 for Ridan, 17 for Tanden, 16 for Adrian. Tanden assures the ugly duckling that he’ll get even prettier soon. Adrian vows to cast Eagle’s Splendor on himself at first opportunity.

DM: All that spell does is make you more charismatic because you have a beautiful eagle to distract from how crappy you look.
Adrian: I already HAVE a pet eagle!
Tanden: You accidentally cast it on your eagle, like… “Wow. That’s a goddamn pretty eagle.”
Adrian: “Hey, look at my eagle, guys!” “Well, we can’t compete with that. We surrender!”
DM: Better yet, everyone starts talking to the eagle instead of you.

The DM begins narrating the adventure again, as Adrian points out that it’s kind of messed up that they met up with a five-years-gone friend and had nothing at all to say about the fact. They roleplay a bit as they advance; the DM threatens to make any and all lieutenants Adrian picks up, no matter their race or class, turn into halflings named Matthias. The group sets off to the northeast! After many… many, inexplicable poop jokes…and a few hours of riding, the group comes across a house that seems to be shrouded in haze. They penetrate the mild illusion readily enough, being PCs, to determine that there’s been a lot of magic going on.

Adrian: “Can you detect any evil along this path? I’m asking you out of courtesy because you’re the paladin, despite the fact that I can detect evil at will, too.”
Tanden: I activate my detect evil ability.
DM: You detect evil ability will always be the opposite of whatever his says, for some reason.

They detect evil beneath the house! In addition, a pair of stone constructs awaits them outside.

DM: They could just be ornaments. Hard to say.
Tanden: “Those don’t look ominous,” he said sarcastically.

Adrian casts augury, asking if diplomacy will be a good approach to this situation. Sadly, he gets no response.

Adrian: “Let us approach cautiously, with weapons close to hand.”
Tanden: I loosen my sword in my scabbard and nod to my companions.
Adrian: “Leave the horses.”
Tanden: …we have HORSES?!
Adrian: We’ve been riding this ENTIRE TIME!
Tanden: I didn’t know I had a horse!
Adrian: You’ve just been floating along this entire time.
DM: No, this waif has been sitting behind him clopping his coconuts the entire time.

To no one’s surprise, the statues begin to move as they draw about thirty feet away. They level spears at the adventurers! The DM calls for initiative, then immediately retracts it as Adrian quickly buffs. Then, initiative again! A statue stabs at Adrian but misses, then Ridan casts an acid arrow at one, hitting it. Tanden steps forward, eating an AOO as he does so, but the statue fails so badly that Tanden actually smashes its spear in half with his shield. The statue resists some of the slashing damage. Adrian’s morningstar does a bit more. The other one misses Tanden again. The first golem steps up again… and the DM hurls his d20 away in anger! Ridan’s acid damage slays the first construct, and it dissolves into a Terminator 2 reference. She pitches a lesser sound orb at the other, almost but not quite killing it. Tanden rolls a natural 1 and hurls his sword at the door. Amazingly, this is ineffective, despite his insistence otherwise. Adrian takes it down with a mighty blow and Ridan lashes at it with another orb. The DM spends a few minutes cursing his dice.

Adrian: “Redeem yourself, my companion. …you have no other weapon, do you?”
Tanden: “I have a warhammer.”
Adrian: “W-why weren’t you using it to begin with?!”
Tanden: “I like my sword. It’s magical.”
Adrian: “…well-spoken, but these things seem to resist the bite of its blade most strenuously!”
DM: Hey, you talk just like your character would, that’s some good RP there.

Tanden discovers he’s been forgetting about his strength modifier this entire fight, then claims he was going easy on their foes. His blow wrecks the statue, and the field is theirs. They hurry into the house, fearing the wizard has been warned. They crash into a sparsely-furnished room which features a prominent trapdoor!

Adrian: “We should grant the person below a chance to surrender honorably before we go in with weapons drawn and strike them down.”
Tanden: “Agreed.”
DM: (squeaky door noise)
Tanden: “We know you’re down there! Throw down any weapons and arms you may have, and come out!”
DM: (crazy, shrill voice) “Who DARES destroy my golems!”
Tanden: “That would be us… sir or madam.”
Adrian: “We have come in service of the lord! Lord insert-his-name-here!”
DM: “Madam! Don’t insult me by calling me ‘sir’! I am a fine lady, I tell you what!”
Adrian: “…I suggest you apologize to the lady. That WAS rather rude.”
DM: (collapses into laughter) “What’s taking you so long! I expect my apology NOW!” I’ve been watching way too much Power Rangers…
Tanden: Hmm. I’m detecting evil. I trust where the exact source is coming from is that voice. “That’s the source of the fucking evil!”
Adrian: “Nevertheless, it does you no honor to treat them discourteously. You really should apologize.”
Tanden: “I could NOT tell what the gender was! Could YOU tell from that voice?!”
Adrian: “No, but it was still a rude thing to say! You ought not to have said it to begin with!”
Tanden: Ah, the arguing holy guys.
DM: “And while you foolishly talk about this, I will LAUNCH THIS WEAPON UPON YOU!” You hear muffled sounds down below.
Adrian: I move to stand behind. “I still think you should apologize!” I kick the door down while we’re talking.
Tanden: “And you probably would’ve asked the same question! You were as curious as I was!”
Adrian: “It’s not that it RAISES the question, it’s how you addressed her! ‘Sir or madam’? That’s terrible!”
Tanden: “How is that rude? I didn’t know, so I covered both grounds.”
Adrian: “You could have asked!”
Tanden: “I was intelligent!”
Adrian: “That was not intelligent! That was discourteous and you have offended! Whether or not you intended the offense, you provided it! You ought to apologize.”
Tanden: (resolutely turning to the trapdoor) “Excuse me, sir or madam, I am so sorry…”
Adrian: And then he fell. The end.
DM: During your little argument, the door does swing open again. A watery fist shoots out. “Get them, my pretty watery friend! They’re disturbing my experiments!” He steps up, but he’s still climbing out. If you’re close by, you get some attack of opportunities before the combat really starts.
Tanden: “Look, I don’t understand why we’re having this conversation.”
Adrian: “I assure you, I’m looking out for your best interests! You should be an honorable and good individual.”
Tanden: “And I AM an honorable and good individual.”

In the meantime, two weapon blows and a flaming sphere have descended on the water elemental

Tanden: “Ma’am, if it means anything, I am terribly sorry.”
Adrian: “See, was that so terribly hard?”
DM: “Oh, that’s awfully kind of you. And once my water elemental finishes killing you, I can hang your head from my mantle! That’s when I can properly thank you for apologizing!”
Tanden: (wearily) “No, no, ma’am, please understand, we’re going to kill your water elemental and then take your head.”
Adrian: “No, we should offer her the chance to surrender! We shouldn’t just slay her.”
Tanden: “We already offered her that chance, she’s clearly resisting it!”
Adrian: “We do not intend to slay her, we should take her in for proper justice.”
Tanden: “All right, all right, I’ll take the warhammer, beat her up around the skull a bit, and knock her out.”
Adrian: “It’s all right to knock her out, we’re not gonna strike her defenseless body down.”
Tanden: “She’s evil! Shouldn’t we be smiting evil?”
Adrian: “No, that would be NEUTRAL good. Lawful good, we surrender it to the proper judgment of the local authorities, or whatever authorities apply. In this case, my father.”
Tanden: “Yes, but you’re the son, can’t you condemn her to death?”
Adrian: “I’m not GOING to, I’m going to take her back for proper jurisdiction!”

In the background, Ridan hurls an ice knife at the elemental. The elemental finally acts, striking Tanden for 12 points of damage. Ridan crits it with an orb of sound. Tanden finishes it off with a mighty blow.

Tanden: “Ma’am, this is your final chance, any further attempts—“
DM: “Another one of my pretty toys down!”
Tanden: “I’m going down.”
Adrian: “Yes, I don’t think we’ll be getting a surrender out of her any time soon. But let it be noted we did offer and you still have the option of surrender!”
DM: “Oh please come down, I have many more THINGS I can use on you LIVING TEST SUBJECTS!

The group piles down, and Tanden and Adrian still calmly ask her to surrender. Ridan gets fed up and pitches an ice knife at her, to their general approbation. Horribly, the woman pitches a fireball at them!

Sadly… here, the audio fails entirely. To sum up the remainder of the campaign, the character subdue the witch and emerge from her house to find themselves confronted by the son of an enemy land, loaded to the gills with magic. They handly dispatch his goons, but the son himself escapes by sinking into the very earth! Irritated, they return home to see justice done to the old woman and victory!