Mrrshala: Don’t forget, you need your TITS card, Aliarra.
Aliarra: Apparently I hate you all tonight.
Mrrshala: How is that different from any night?
Aliarra: Because tonight I’m copping to it.

The group teases Drusila about needing to leave in about fifteen minutes. Vera produces cupcakes, but not enough for everyone. Aiden starts singing the song from ‘Amok Time’, as is traditional.

Aliarra: Five minutes later, there’s just a view of this room, only above this height, and there’s just blood spattered. You know, with the implication that there’s corpses piled high.
Drusila: You’ve been reading those internet comics with the lazy art, haven’t you.
Aliarra: It’s called artistic subtlety! Whatever the human mind can come up with would be worse than the reality!

The group catches itself up to where they’re supposed to be in the game, since Drusila had been ‘sleeping it off’ last session, while Aiden tries to remember who he’s playing.

Drusila: She baked herself into a fortune cookie and travelled along in Hanzo’s pocket.
Aiden: Who am I in this game?
Drusila: And after the following dinner, when he broke open the cookie to read his fortune…
Aiden: Probably someone who likes women or something, so I have to act… disdevious, or whatever the word…
Aliarra: “Disdevious?”
Hanzo: I think that was a shooter in the 8-bit era.
Aiden: It’s one of my made up words.
Aliarra: I knew that.
Drusila: A priest who likes women is not the worst kind of priest.
Aliarra: A priest who likes underaged Banglasharan women?

The dinosaur debate-slash-running gag emerges again, since Vera is playing a druid. People throw things at Aliarra, including a marker to the eye. The traditional search for d20s that roll well occurs. Aliarra suggests that a lesser rod of extend spell might be a good buy for Vera.

Aiden: Hee hee, lesser rod.
Hanzo: If your lesser rod lasts for more than four hours you should contact a cleric.
Aiden: Lesser rod! (giggling like a schoolgirl)
Hanzo: Do not cast magic missile if you are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.
Drusila: I’m escaping before this gets ugly.
Aliarra: Anyone remember when Drusila had balls? Mrr, I need to reconsider this whole ‘marriage’ idea.
Drusila: I still have balls, I want to stay that way!

Mocking of Drusila ensues, which somehow leads to talk of booze.

Aliarra: We cut open the Umber Hulk, out pops Vera’s character! “I’ve been shifted into a bacteria the whole time!”

The group discusses their plan to enter the crevasse.

Aiden: Is this like the crevasse from Minecraft, it’s only ‘this’ big?
DM: It’s only, like, ten feet wide. “This crevasse sucks! This can’t be it!” You guys go down there, and barely escape with your lives, you come out, see a bigger crevasse next to you. “Damn it!”
Aiden: “This crevasse is boring!” We go down the bigger one, we see a stand, some guards keeping it safe.
Aliarra: An airship for no apparent reason.

The group travels on, though the nights are eerily quiet and the days uneventful.

Drusila: Drusila tries to liven things up with vague concoctions in the evening.
Hanzo: Wasteland booze.
Aliarra: (wearily) All right, who has the highest Fortitude save, mine’s a plus 8.
Mrrshala: Mine’s a plus 8.
Aiden: Mine’s an 8.
Aliarra: Oh good, Drusila probably won’t kill us.
Drusila: I rolled a 9.
Aliarra: This is why we seek out a druid, we need someone to cast ‘remove poison’ a lot.

Several uneventful days later, the party reaches a twenty-foot-wide but very deep crevasse which is surely their destination.

Aliarra: (indicating Drusila and Hanzo) I say we send these two out to scout.
Drusila: “Why take so much effort?” Drusila picks up a rock and tosses it in.
Hanzo: “They are coming. We cannot get out.”
Aliarra: “All right, I… propose we send these two down to scout. Again.”
Drusila: “Last one to the bottom is a rotten egg. …First one to the bottom is a smashed rotten egg.”
Aiden: Are you not playing your kick-open-doors character?
Aliarra: I am! There’s no doors!
Aiden: I like how your character gets confused when there’s no doors.

The group pools their rope, practically forcing Drusila to use it rather than make the difficult climb. Aiden proposes that he and Drusila both leap, and that he cast a cure on Drusila just as she hits so she can catch him. They hand the rope to Ignir to brace it, then send Drusila down. Some debate occurs over the color spectrum available to cats and dogs based on recent research.

Drusila: Deer see in black-and-white, though, that’s why hunters wear orange costumes?
Aliarra: Hunters wear orange costumes so OTHER hunters know they’re hunters.
Drusila: Yeah, but deer can’t tell.
Aliarra: The deer aren’t smart enough to put on the costumes no matter what color they are!
Aiden: (laughs so hard he collapses into a whimpering ball)
Hanzo: Look, you’ve broken him.
Aiden: (incomprehensible words)
Aliarra: (just starting to laugh helplessly at how broken Aiden is)
DM: Give me a Spot check, please.
Drusila: She relies on her ears.
DM: What did you roll?
Aliarra: So now Drusila’s making a Spot check with her ears, I don’t think there’s too big of a bonus to that.
Drusila: She prefers to listen. I got an 18 to Spot and a 24 to Listen.
Aliarra: I’m sure that cave entrance is making a shitton of noise, there.

Drusila spies primitive crampons driven into the wall as she descends. Her feet touch at 150 feet and she takes a minute to let her vision adjust.

Aliarra: “Let’s throw a rock down, guys. It’s what Drusila would do if she was here.”
DM: You throw a rock down. Roll a d20.

Three or four d20s hit the table.

DM: You’re all throwing rocks. I love it.
Aliarra: I rolled a 19!
Hanzo: “Drusila! AVALANCHE! GET OUT OF THERE!”
Mrrshala: I rolled an 18 to throw a rock.
Aliarra: Oh dear. We’ve killed Drusila.

Drusila climbs back to report. The group heads down the rope, despite the unnecessary precautions so nobody is dying. In fine D&D tradition they leave Ignir to watch the camp.

Drusila: “Should we advance by stealth or by clanginess?”
Aliarra: “Well, considering I have no option to advance by stealth…”
Aiden: Has she done anything to piss me off yet? Has she done stupid things yet?
Drusila: Not-not in this session.
DM: I don’t think Drusila has done stupid things…
Aliarra: She cooked for the ghosts.
Drusila: Oh yeaaaaah.
Aliarra: Yeah, she already got her punishment for that.
Hanzo: “COOKIES! PEASANT FOOOOOOOOD!”
Aliarra: All right, so. There are a couple ways we can play this. Do we want to all advance as a party? Do we want to send out a point scout or two?
Aiden: There’s a door you can kick.
Drusila: There is no door.
Aliarra: I kick open the cliff.
DM: You make the crevasse wider. It’s now a canyon.
Aliarra: “Hey, light’s better!” Fuck you, erosion, I’m better.


Drusila and Hanzo scout ahead as the marching order is established. Searching the entrance area, they find a mound of large stones. Suspicious, they tear apart this mound only to discover it was a caern covering the body of a bugbear.

DM: He is very dead.
Aliarra: How?
Hanzo: CSI: D&D!

With a Heal check Aiden determines the bugbear probably fell. Aiden insists that the cause of death was really ‘extreme masturbation’, then ‘bugbear MURDER,’ then both. They awkwardly reconstruct the caern. Aiden suddenly realizes he has a scroll of Speak With Dead. And also has it memorized for some reason. The quirks of D&D scroll mechanics are discussed in detail as Aiden finally casts the spell, giving them three questions. The PCs debate what questions to ask and how they can get dicked over by very specific interpretations of the questions, as is traditional. The bugbear was seeking treasure, and died by falling.

Aliarra: Ask him if he knows of any dangers in this cave… beyond falling.
DM: Damn.

They cover the body back up, questions exhausted.

Aiden: “Shooooved.”
Drusila: That would have been a little more interesting…
Aiden: “Why were you shoved? Why were you shoved?!” “Slept with friend’s wife.”
Aliarra: “Who’s your friend – shit we’re out of questions! All right, guys, we know there’s a hot bugbear wife out there who’s kinda loose.”
Drusila: Just ask all the gossipy questions.
Aliarra: Your god’s gonna smite you for gossiping with the dead.
Drusila: “Who did your sister sleep with?!”
Aliarra: “Did you really summon me back to answer that?”
Aiden: “It sounded interesting, Lord, I knew you’d want to.” “I was takin’ notes!”

The group ventures forwards. After 60 feet or so the cave opens into a large cavern with improvised fortifications and something of a pool at which the improvised fortifications are directed. The group investigates the pool by plunging a glaive into it, or possibly a guisarme. Drusila gets bored and climbs the fortification, discovering a room with a small campfire in it, and so pitches a rope down for the others to climb. They search the camp to no real effect as the DM actively encourages Drusila to be bored and do wacky stuff. Aliarra stabs the glaive into the fire, somehow alerting a group of enemies to their presence – or that was possibly a coincidence, it’s unclear. Damien accuses Aliarra of poking babies and small children with the guisarme as miniatures are hunted out. Aliarra describes her miniature as ‘extremely overdramatic cape girl’, which is entirely accurate. A map is drawn, miniatures positioned, and initiative rolled. Bugbears burst into the scene.

DM: Hanzo: you FIIIIIIIIRST!
Hanzo: What can I do?
Aiden: You can poop yourself. You can move faster after you’ve pooped yourself.
Drusila: You could tell them we don’t mean then any harm.
Hanzo: Uhhhhh.
Aiden: You’re gonna make him roll a Diplomacy check?
Hanzo: He told us to roll for initiative, so…

Hanzo debates for an oddly long time, while Damien wanders onto IMDB and reads random credits. He then rolls a White Betrayer to attack, then misses. Hanzo and Aliarra debate the merits of the Glowing Orange God Die; Hanzo is skeptical of its power. Mrrshala and Aliarra are next. Aliarra produces a FOEHAMMER, hitting AC 22. Mrrshala strikes with her ranseur. Mrrshala shrieks for reasons I cannot discern in the recording. Aliarra gets hit for 22 damage, provoking panic in Drusila and Hanzo, who vow to get the hell out of there. Mrr gets pinged for 4 points by a sling.

Drusila: Aliarra… so Drusila has the, uh, what’s it called, um…
Aliarra: Cowardly streak?
Drusila: Two-weapon fighting!

Hanzo debates what to do, then realizes there’s a half-dozen other goblins down the hall. Aiden blasts a bugbear for 22 points of damage with Searing Ray. People start moving around.

DM: I do wanna point this out, you were looking for the fire, you probably are standing a little closer to it.
Hanzo: Aliarra’s like “Oooh! A fire!”
Aliarra: It worked.
Hanzo: Yeah, the loud clang. It was a bad thing when HE did it.
Aliarra: The loud clang of my glaive striking flames.
DM: There’s like earth, beneath! Are you that terrible of a person that you can’t get through a couple of charred logs? “Uh! Uh! I’ve been defeated by this thing.”
Aliarra: I think you’re overestimating how hard I was trying to kill the fire.
DM: This from the person who kicks open doors.
Aliarra: It’s not a door, it’s a fire!
DM: You’re trying to get THROUGH the fire.
Aiden: If you’re not kicking open a door, you’re apparently stabbing it with your guisarme. ”The hallway is dark in front of me, I thrust my guisarme!”
Aliarra: It was a standard fire elemental test!
Hanzo: If this were you DMing, you’ve be like, “it wasn’t you stabbing the fire, it was you moving close enough for them to hear you.”
Aliarra: That’s true, it would have been.
Hanzo: So I’m not calling the DM on any BS. Stabbing the fire makes it FUNNY, that’s what set ‘em off… The fire screamed out in pain!
Aliarra: I told you it was a fire elemental!
Hanzo: FIRE ALARM!

And the group collapses in laughter. Drusuila trips a bugbear. Hanzo debates fleeing melee, then Tumbles out after an attack. Aliarra crits for 46 but the bugbear does not go down.

Aliarra: This guy’s got more hit points than I do.
Hanzo: He’s still alive? Use the ranseur!

Mrr uses Insightful Strike to deal 34 points of damage, which does drop him. Aliarra gets an AOO trip but fails the strength check and the countertrip fails in return. The tripped bugbear stands, the group forgets that whips don’t threaten, and so Drusila takes an AOO to disarm the bugbear. Another bugbear critically fails on his sling roll, bonking himself.

DM: And we’re up to Aiden!
Aliarra: Smite! Smite! Smite! Smite! Smite! Smite! Smite! Smite! Smite! Smite!
Aiden: I’m a cleric, not a paladin.
Aliarra: I meant in the metaphorical sense.
Aiden: 8 points of damage.
DM: What are you attacking with?
Aliarra: It’s a morning star +1.
DM: You bash him but good!
Aliarra: You bash his butt good. Reacharound!
DM: (girly scream)
Aliarra: In this case, reverse reacharound.
DM: Who gave me these dice? It was you, wasn’t it?
Aliarra: Huh?
DM: You gave me this die, didn’t you.
Hanzo: It was rolling really well until he gave it to you, too.
DM: I got one good power attack off, now all these other guys are rolling 1s and shit!

Drusila eyes the bugbears, tumbles, then slices but only rolls a modified 14. Realizing she’s in melee, she activates her mist shirt to surround herself in a fog cloud.

Aliarra: Hanzo, we’re counting on you to compensate for Drusila!
Hanzo: I’m not on the right side of the map to do that.
Aliarra: I mean in general!
Hanzo: That’s a miss. So much for this die. (throws the die in disgust, bouncing it off the microphone in the process.)

Aliarra crits again for 25; Mrrshala hits.

DM: Are you guys attacking the same target?
Aliarra: Probably?
DM: Target not detected. We’re going to Final Fantasy 1 rules.
Aliarra: I heal myself for 21.
Hanzo: That’s… pretty much all you taken off.
DM: (mutters something about killing Aliarra hardcore)
Aliarra: My Fortitude save is pretty high…
Aiden: How is a level five goblin doing vile damage, I don’t understand..
DM: Dammit, you’re bound to roll a 1 sooner or later.
Mrrshala: 17 points of damage.
DM: 17 points of damage to the guy on the ground who pretty much offered to surrender.
Mrrshala: I don’t understand goblin.

Aliarra uses White Raven Tactics to set Mrr’s initiative one lower, and she chews through the bugbear on the ground. Aliarra finds a horribly deformed peanut and gasps in horror and confusion.

DM: There’s some strangeass peanuts in that bag.
Drusila: Is it shaped like Lincoln?
Hanzo: No, the Virgin Mary.
Aliarra: The Virgin Lincoln.

Mrr attacks. A hobgoblin fails to land a hit. Another one attempts to grapple Drusila and succeeds.

Drusila: Bastard.
Aiden: This guy happens to have the same abilities as Tergol. Fortitude saving throw. You failed? You’re asleep.
Hanzo: Coincides right with when she has to leave.

ARGH WHO PLAYED THAT MUSIC RIGHT INTO THE MICROPHONE FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK. A flurry of misses ensues. Aliarra re-deals her crusader power cards to herself.

Aliarra: BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON!
DM: TITS! How did those get in here?
Aiden: “I don’t remember having this many cards.”

Aliarra hits. The other characters curse her for doing so. She uses White Raven Tactics on herself and she and Mrrshala act. Hanzo finally mentions to Mrr that the goblin she’s been slaughtering offered to surrender, so she subdual-damages him out of the fight. The bugbear continues his grapple, threatening a fearsome grope. Drusila rolls.

Drusila: God dammit, another 2?! What the hell is wrong with this die?
DM: And this die finally comes through.
Aliarra: He draws his brilliant energy weapon.
DM: 21 points of damage.
Drusila: 21, Jesus!

The slinging goblin misses yet again. Aiden smacks the grappling goblin, but the goblin is not down.

DM: This guy is the one you hurt the least. You just disarmed him, tripped him… humiliated him!
Drusila: He’s trying to get his machismo back.
Aliarra: “Must… rape… Banglasharan catgirl…”
DM: Drusila.
Drusila: Escape! (rolling) God dammit!
Aliarra: It’s an opposed grapple check, he could still roll poorly.
DM: Unfortunately he’s still got you grappled.
Drusila: “Guys, I’m hosed!” …guys, I gotta go home. My character’s virginity depends on you, Hanzo!

The group encourages Hanzo to curse and blaspheme the die BEFORE rolling. He does so, rolls, and hits. Aiden begins talking in the third-person, claiming he’s tired. Hanzo slays the goblin.

Aliarra: Good work. You’ve preserved Drusila’s virginity… to take it later for yourself.
Hanzo: She’s good and subdued now…

The group interrogates the bugbear but come up with little substantial except the presence of dark dwarves. The group begins to quail in terror at the idea of dwarves being their enemy in this DM’s campaign.

Aliarra: We are fucked.
Aiden: Goddamn super-dwarves!
Aliarra: They’re gonna burst on, they’re gonna be shining gleaming man-gods--
Hanzo: Yeah, they’re all gonna be T-1000s.
Aliarra: They’re gonna have the most buffed upper torsos and they won’t wear shirts because when we hit their chests our weapons will snap.
Aiden: And they’ll have, like, legs…
Hanzo: And they’re all riding rust monsters.
Aiden: They have these little tiny legs…
Aliarra: Their beards are down to HERE. Their beards are what they use as weapons. They wrap them around their fists, and when they punch? 3d20!
Aiden: Let’s roll 3d20 with the Bane of Existence Trio here. You just got struck, see the damage you took. You took 21 points of damage.
Aliarra: You forgot to add their strength modifier. Which is +46.
DM: I like dwarves, what can I tell you?
Aliarra: EXACTLY. THAT’S WHY WE’RE FUCKED.

Hanzo suggests they send Drusila out because she’s wounded, and possibly conveniently find a druid to help them while doing so. The group debates what to do with their prisoners.

Aiden: I’m eating him alive.
Aliarra: You’re. NOT. SARGASSAS!
Aiden: Oh that’s right.
Aliarra: Identity crisis…
Hanzo: Transmigration of souls!
Aiden: Sargassas eats everything.
Aliarra: Inexplicably a bird flies in. “I’m very lost – hey, I’m a druid, I’m here to help!”
Aiden: A bird flies in, Sargassas just… noooom. That would be horrible! You don’t tell it who it is, a bird flies in, I don’t know who it is, “Oh I eat it.” You see her tear up her character sheet. “Sorry…”

Aliarra continues to shout ways and hints for the druid to appear into the sky. The Count Censored is played. The group attempts to move on.

Aliarra: Hanzo, what would Drusila do if she was here?
Hanzo: “Guys, Drusila is bored. She’s going to charge down the halls to where the dwarves are.”
Aliarra: It’s like she’s really here!

The druid is almost introduced but is accidentally 5 levels too high…

Vera: I was told level 11!
Aiden: Listen, it’s really easy, Aliarra gave you the wrong information.
Aliarra: Yeah, it’s all my fault somehow.
Vera: Do you want me to level her down…?
DM: Uh, y-yeah, I… I kinda do.
Aiden: No, just roll with it. I just saw ‘lol’ 11 druid…
Vera: That’s “lvl”, my V’s are rounded.

While Vera works, Aiden tries to look up a YouTubePoop.

Aiden: What was that one called? Maybe Donkey Kong Poop will work…?
Aliarra: What are you looking for?
DM: That Donkey Kong YouTubePoop.
Aliarra: “Donkey Kong Rapes the Mississippi”?
DM: Is that what it’s called?
Hanzo: Ohh yeaaaaaaaah.
DM: Good call… I-I think?

Comedy ensues. Vera is sent by the head of her order to investigate a crevasse. Aiden curses the addition of another woman.

Aliarra: But it’s not a Banglasharan woman.
Aiden: But she has boobies!

Mrrshala threatens Aliarra with bodily disfigurement. The running joke of the DC Pusher is revived. Vera travels across the lands to the crevasse, discovering Ignir, though Ignir fails to notice Vera flapping around on her dire bat.

Mrrshala: Stop playing with the sword.
Aliarra: But I LIKE playing with the sword!

Ignir challenges Vera. Vera questions OOC if she was actually told why she was looking for this crevasse.

DM: Yeah, I was being distracted by stuff tossing around, they did tell you that.
Aliarra: Meanwhile, in the druid’s guild… (mimes tossing things around)
DM: There is a food fight going on. They’re like, “You gotta check out this crevasee --- aargh!”
Aliarra: “The mashed potatoes, whyyyy?!”
Vera: “I don’t know why I’m here, there was pie involved and they told me to go.”

Vera gets and relays her legitimate reasons along with the identities of the other PCs. Aiden claims he has a skill called ‘Open’ with 20 ranks.

Vera: “Who are your companions?”
DM: He lists the names of the people you were looking for.
Vera: “Ah, then they’re my companions too.”
DM: “…Who sent you?”
Vera: “The Mages’ Guild.”
Aiden: “We are ENEMIES of the Mages’ Guild!”
Aliarra: Ignir decides to lie to cause trouble for us for no good reason. “Leave ME here, will you…”
Aiden: “Oh yes, you were sent here to replace me so I could go down the hole. You hold the rope.”
DM: I’ll bring you into this adventure… and then take you right out!

Vera flies into the crevasse on her bat, which is apparently named Blinky, enters the cave, and discovers the fleeing bugbear captive climbing over the fortification. The bugbear falls to his death by failing a Climb roll. The PCs successfully hear Vera climbing over the barricade.

Vera: What was your character’s name again?
Aliarra: Aliarra.
Aiden: The Door-Smasher. The Fire-Poker.
Aliarra: I’d like to point out that we haven’t BEEN in a place with doors since that one.
DM: Well I got kinda tired of: Drusila, search, lockpick. SMASH. Rinse. Repeat. Over. And over. AND OVER.
Aliarra: The choices our characters make are changing this WORLD. As soon as I took that Improved Trip feat? Suddenly, across the board, thousands of longswords and shortswords disappeared, to be replaced with longspears and polearms!
Aiden: We find an advertisement in the paper. “Learn how to resist trip! Free lessons for everybody but PCs. FUCK!”
Aliarra: “Shit! They’ve invented the printing press!”
Aiden: “We can’t handle this!”
Aliarra: “Burn it! Destroy the heretics! Literacy is bad! ….for the peasants.”

The PCs have a moment of worry over the giant bat.

Hanzo: I hang upside-down from ceilings, same as bats. I’m not going to attack.
Vera: Handro?
DM: Hanzo.
Aiden: I’m just waiting for her to say my name.
Aliarra: “Molester! I mean Aiden!”

Aiden fails to commit seppuku because his primary weapon is a whim. Aliarra lampshades the appearance of a druid. Aiden complains and spouts conspiracy theories IC, apparently to be a jerk, then demands a note.

Aiden: “I just have a BAD feeling about this. No offense to you.”
Aliarra: “I think it’s too late for that…”
Vera: “Yeah, too late for that, thanks.”
Aiden: “Why SHOULD we just trust you? Just coming in here, ‘I’m with the Mages’ Guild, I’m gonna help you!’.”
Aliarra: What would be a more plausible story?

A long pause.

Aiden: I don’t know.
Aliarra: EXACTLY!
Aiden: Does the Mages’ Guild even know we’re here?
Aliarra: YES! Carrick! Remember Carrick?! Our buddy? When he’s not evil??
Aiden: Why is that NOT a plausible excuse? Carrick went destructive, all of a sudden the Mages’ Guild is sending us more help?
Aliarra: He doesn’t have the heart any more!
Mrrshala: He got better!
Aliarra: Yeah, he’s on our side till he gets another evil heart.
Aiden: Did they give you a stick to teleport you back…?
Mrrshala: That was HER game!
Aiden: That doesn’t mat—oh. Never mind. (making a snapping noise.) “Fuck!”
Vera: You just picked that stick up from the ground, of course it’s not gonna do anything.
Aiden: Then we leave, and some kid’s like, “Oooh, a stick!” VWHOMP!
Aliarra: “Where am I?”
Aiden: We come back months later, it’s like, “What’s this skeleton?” “Some kid got stuck in here…. I was sleeping at the time…”
Aliarra: Worst teleporter guard ever…
DM: Left the kid in there for like a month straight.
Aliarra: How was no one even using it that entire time?
Aiden: You look on the outside of the door, you see, “Closed for maintenance, use second portal.” (back in character) “My apologies. We’ve had a lot of allies turn on us.”
Aliarra: We only had one! Carrick!
Aiden: That’s enough for me. That’s a lot.
Aliarra: You make a good point, but he had the heart at the time. If Vera has the heart, we’ve solved all our problems anyway.
Aiden: How did you—that would be awesome, but how did you get the heart?
Aliarra: She doesn’t HAVE it because there’s no way she could’ve gotten it!
Aiden: But what if she does have it? That means she’s working for them for sure!
Aliarra: But she doesn’t!
Vera: The only heart I have is the one in my chest!
Mrrshala: Oh don’t tell him that…
Aiden: I have a high Heal check, we’ll have to verify it’s not THE heart. Hanzo, hold her still. Scalpel check.
Mrrshala: Aliarra?
Aliarra: Huh?
Mrrshala: Foehammer.
Aiden: You look closely, somehow the gloves have gotten on my hands…
Aliarra: “Oh great, they’re crazy-seeking!”
Aiden: Somehow I’m wearing both the boots and the gloves. “Oh no. How did this happen? I’m going crazy.”
Aliarra: I guess it was inevitable. We probably should have started being suspicious when we saw he was on the ceiling. But no, I figured it was just a natural cleric thing.
DM: Yes, clerics naturally hang out on the ceiling.
Aliarra: That was the worst 1 I ever rolled on Knowledge(religion).
Aiden: You guys say that, we go back to my temple, there are clerics ALLLL over the ceiling.
DM: “Well I’ll be damned.”
Aiden: My clerichood clearly says you must be wearing evil gloves and evil spider-boots at all times.
DM: They’re NOT evil.
Aliarra: They just MAKE you evil.
DM: They just make you want to seek out the other ones.
Aliarra: Violently.
Aiden: SEE! If I had them on I’d be like, “Woop! There they are.”

The group explicitly returns to the adventure in so many words. The group debates, but before they can act they hear the breaking of glass. In anticipation of combat, the group arrays themselves tactically on the map. The group mocks Drusila’s last name.

DM: Siameseovitch…
Aliarra: You approved it!
DM: I didn’t approve SHIT! I didn’t even know that was her last name. Terrible last name.
Aliarra: What’s Mrrshala’s last name?
Mrrshala: Techincally she doesn’t have one. She’s Mrrshala the Gray of the Snowclaw Clan.
DM: …that’s not bad. It’s not Siameseovitch.
Aliarra: It’s like an American Tail thing. Mousekowitz.

The fortification in front of the group is on fire. Aiden proposes they smash down the fortification onto the people behind them. Vera suddenly produces a spell which extinguishes fires on a moderate scale, extinguishing the flame. The group charges the wall, but fails to knock it down. Rolling better on a second attempt, they smash the fortification, only to find nothing behind it. They advance – only to find the dwarves have pulled down the OTHER fortification and are coming up on them from behind, in a big circle! Dramatic sound cue as the game ends!