They just keep getting longer...





A Player From Ages Past has at last been lured back into the fold, for one session at least, after Iglar, Ralth, and the DM cornered him at a party and browbeat him with tales of heroic valor and prowess until he at last broke down and agreed to return to the table. (Threats may have been involved.) Our story begins as he struggles to make a character, having not done so since Third Edition was new and exciting. He works while the group reminisces. Amusingly, this entire session is conducted by candlelight, as the power is out.

Dian: Like in every one of our campaigns, we’ve found someone to do the Fastball Special.
Sargassas: One of you guys is gonna need to share your room, I don’t think he’s gonna want to live in the basement.

The horrible rolling of dice shatters the ears of the listener, being bizarrely loud in the microphone, as the new player (hence referred to as Alec, in a complete spoiling of what his character name will be) rolls his stats. Sargassas complains about his stats in another game while Alec stares at his dice.

Alec: Six, one, one, one. Wow.

The rolling rules are to reroll ones (the DM favoring higher-powered characters), though, so this roll becomes a 17. Alec continues to waffle over what race to play.

DM: You’re better off figuring out what to play in general and we’ll build back from that…
Alec: Well… you’re a priest, you’re a sorceress—
DM: Warlock.
Khoriane: Warlock! I’m much more limited in what I can do!
Sargassas: But you never run out of that thing you can do.
Khoriane: My laser. I’m always firin’ mah laser.
Sargassas: But your sorceress could run out of stuff, and eventually she was down to her fucking punches! So you’re never down to punching. (then to Alex) I hope you stay long enough to go to our main game. I was the paladin in our Birthright campaign. Barack, the black leader…
Dian: Yeah, he named him… Obama... it wasn’t Obama… he named him six months before he became President.

For the third time in as many sessions, the conversation wanders to a proposed Mortal Kombat movie reboot. (To be fair, after Annihilation, the world is owed an apology in the form of a better movie.)

DM: I know what Alec would like… Minotaur paladin!
Dian: Didn’t someone try to make a minotaur in this game? (pause) It was me! You wouldn’t fucking let me!
DM: I know, I just wanted to say it.
Alec: Do we have dwarf in the party?
Iglar: No, we haven’t a dwarf.
Dian: Are they like not even present in your story?
DM: They are.
Sargassas: It’s just that in this world, the halfling -- (condescendingly) Halfling Empire –
Alec: …Halfling Empire?
Sargassas: Yes.
DM: They’ve pretty much assimilated the dwarves.
Iglar: Really, that’s sad.
Sargassas: Dwarves are subservient to halflings, this is the opposite of every D&D campaign ever!
Iglar: Ralth, does this make your blood boil?
Ralth: (taking notice of the conversation for the first time) Huh?
Sargassas: Dwarves are subservient to halflings!
Alec: That’d be a nice way to make it interesting, join the revolution.
DM: The dwarven empire to the halfling empire is sort of like, compare Scotland for Great Britain…
Sargassas: There you go, dwarves are the Scotland of the halfling empire.
DM: Oddly appropriate! (Scottish accent) “What’s a ‘Scotland’, I’ve never haird of it!” There are many free dwarves who live about the allied territories under the Adventurer’s Guild, so it’s not like the entire race is a puppet of the halfling control.
Dian: (laughing, apparently because the word ‘puppet’ is inherently funny)
Iglar: (looking through race sourcebooks) What’s a.. sa-hwa-gin?
DM: Humanoid sea-dwellers. I don’t think that would quite work.

Alec settles on paladin, the class being a favorite of his from ye olde times. The race of aasimar is raised, as is lesser aasimar (the DM’s favored choice).

Sargassas: Look here, planetouched. I played an earth genasi once. Earth genasi is like the retard of the genasi world, as I would later find out. Like, the species can’t propagate properly…
Alec: What’s a centaur? I mean, I know what it is, but…
Khoriane: You could play a wemic!

Alec settles on lesser aasimar paladin at last. He places an 18 into Charisma, boosting it to 20, to the approbation of the group.

Khoriane: I have 20 Charisma, I’ve been trying to tell you guys the whole time!
Sargassas: I thought that was another character.
Iglar: Yeah, but you’re not good for talking to the po-lice.
Khoriane: Because I’m tiny and blue.
Sargassas: You’re also a warlock. I don’t understand why warlocks have high Charisma in the first place. Aren’t warlocks bad people?
DM: The whole “demonic powers” scares people. They can be very charming if you can overlook that!

Alec debates the placement of a 17, but settles on Strength. Sargassas complains about his Reflex saves, which leads into fond reminiscence of Dirk smashing a door way back in the first Birthright game. Alec attempts to decide on which god to select. The DM passes him the thick packet he’d prepared on the human gods; Alex gets three pages in, sees Bahamut, and attempts to pass it back without any further looking. Sargassas attempts to loan him his own religion packet.

DM: No, you’ve got lizardman, he’s not gonna get much benefit out of lizardman.
Dian: Yeah, the god of tentacle rape… You’re not gonna want to share the basement with him.
Sargassas: Yeah, my basement is covered in plants and swamp—
Dian: Living plants, that rape women that wander into our basement…
DM: To the best of your knowledge, no women have been raped by his plants!
Dian: Because we haven’t been HOME! He planted them and then we LEFT!
Sargassas: They don’t grow that fast!
DM: How do you know? You didn’t ask what their growing time was!
Sargassas: My character would KNOW this!
DM: How many sentient plants has your character encountered in his time?
Dian: You wasted all this money on sentient plants… you’re not even gonna want to touch our maid when you get home. She’s gonna have had it in every orifice like ten times over from PLANTS.
Sargassas: She keeps coming back, she’s obviously having a good time!
DM: “I didn’t realize this job came with… perks…”
Sargassas: We come back and she’s like, “Mr. Lizardman! I wonder if you can do it with your tail like those plants can!”
DM: No one bought the Mechanus Buzzsaw plant, I’m so sad about that.
Iglar: That’s something that would be like too much of a gift to you.
DM: Someday I swear to God I’m gonna have a villain show up and that’s gonna be his weapon of choice, the Mechanus Buzzsaw Plant.
Dian: With a poison soup appetizer.
Sargassas: Anyway, there’s more NON-sentient tentacles – vines, than sentient, okay?
Dian: It’s your basement, the less I know about it the better.
Sargassas: I got one glow-plant—
DM: The Arborean stench-fronds…
Dian: I have a palate.
Sargassas: I like that, that was like the first thing I asked for: “Do you have smelly plants?”
DM: Yes, it was the first thing you asked for, you brought them back, and then two minutes the entire rest of the party shows up at the nursery looking for something to counteract them. Also every single person in the city has a copy of your key, if you recall.
Iglar: Why?
DM: Because you sent it out and had someone copy it, and apparently that’s just the sort of bastard move I pull.
Dian: Well, if they come in through the bottom floor, they’ll probably get raped, and they’ll spread the word that you don’t wanna break into this house! Everyone has a key ‘cuz they wanna feed the plants!
DM: “Oh god, it’s the R version of Home Alone!”
Dian: Yeah, sodomy plants. Great.

The DM prods the players to take a moment to review their religion packets, since it will be taking more of a role in the games to come. Alec moves on to recording saving throws while the others complain about the trees down in the roads after the epic storm. Alec rolls hit points and moves on to skills. Sargassas regards the melting chocolate with some bemusement. Iglar complains about Alec’s starting gold. Alec reads the fine print of the Aura of Courage ability.

Alec: “This ability functions while the paladin is conscious but not while she is unconscious or dead.”
Ralth: I like how it says “or dead”.
Sargassas: It’s like, it’s not while unconscious, but while dead it works fine. So just dragging a paladin corpse around… attach it to the warrior’s back.
DM: That explains why “paladin corpse” is on the equipment list.
Sargassas: (in an awful accent) “Get yah corpses here, we got paladin, we got, uh, Anointed Knight, getcha plus one bonuses…”
DM: (in a similarly awful accent) “Dragon slayer corpses! Get your dragon slayer corpse, provides bonuses against dragon fear!"

Alec goes on to feats and magic items, being oddly keen on a ring of sustenance.

Alec: What’s Combat Reflexes?
DM: Gives you more attacks of opportunity. It’s not that great—
Dian: ‘Cuz he never lets us have attacks of opportunity!
DM: That’s not true, you get them all the time!
Dian: Yeah, NOW. ‘Cuz I’ve been pissed about it all these years.

Iglar discovers the ‘ranged’ option for shields, which gives him a laugh. Alec looks at the Cleave feat.

Dian: Great Cleave, you can just – normally you can just Cleave once per round. Great Cleave is like, “Well, I killed this guy, he’s dead, I Cleave him…” However many people can surround us! That’s how many will die.
Sargassas: Once you get SUPREME Cleave—
Dian: There’s no Supreme Cleave!
Sargassas: Yes there is!
Dian: There is?!
Ralth: It allows you to move, like, five feet.
DM: You get a five foot step in between Cleaves.
Sargassas: So if there’s a line of enemies…
DM: It’s like a samurai movie, where they just run down, and at the end all the opponents fall down.
Sargassas: It’s like, step, boop! Step, boop! As long as you keep killing them in a chain, you can just keep going!
DM: Kobolds hate the guy with Supreme Cleave. “A kobold nest! I’ll attack.”
Sargassas: The ultimate battle: 1000 kobolds in a chair factory against Jackie Chan.
DM: Jackie Chan wins, it’s a chair factory.
Sargassas: He’s invulnerable!

Alec decides to pick languages, but first questions what major powers exist in the world.

DM: Well, there’s the Leaf Empire, which is the halflings, and then there’s the confederation under the—
Sargassas: The Leaf Empire?
DM: Yes.
Sargassas: Really?
DM: Yes.
Dian: He’s called it that many times…
Sargassas: No! I just realized this!

Alec is forbidden from taking Thieves’ Cant, which is only brought up so the group can say “Burglar my nurglar, shurglar!” and make Dian crack up again. Alec ponders weapon choices with the canny eye of an old-school player: to wit, does he need a bludgeoning weapon.

Alec: Is there a lot of undead, or what are we dealing with?
Iglar: There haven’t been that many undead.
Sargassas: We just came back from the UNDEAD EMPIRE, okay?!
DM: It was a kingdom, not an empire!
Iglar: They were nice to us!
Sargassas: I know, but nonetheless…

Alec chases a Helm of Comprehend Languages just long enough to discover its 5200 gold price tag, at which he swears and abandons his quest. He continues to plow through equipment, a bit hastily. The DM declares the game will start when Ralth gets back. He then discovers Ralth is like three feet away from the table.

DM: Last game you guys slew a dragon.
Sargassas: We slew the dragon, yaaaay.
DM: And you looted its treasure pile. And got its head. Ralth!
Ralth: Yes?
DM: You’re feeling mighty woozy.
Ralth: Uh-oh. What’s wrong?
DM: You didn’t get any sleep last night.
Ralth: Oh yeaaaaah.
DM: You spent all night in the fucking bush, then you took another watch.
Ralth: Hey, I took a nap!
Iglar: Iglar’s gonna take off his armor next to the pool where the dragon took a dip, then go for a swim to wash off the chlorine, then look on the bottom to see if there’s anything interesting.
DM: All right, give me a Spot check!
Iglar: Darn, 11.
DM: This is a mighty murky lake, that just happened to be stirred up by a dragon kersplooshing in it. So you’re able to see not very far down to the bottom, as you get down to the bottom, however from what you can see you don’t see anything interesting.
Sargassas: Yeah, I already looked through the pool.

Sargassas: brags about slaying the dragon, while Iglar insists on taking a 20 on the search. He still sees nothing.

Dian: But now you’re clean!
DM: Yes, Iglar is very clean.
Dian: Zest-fully clean.
DM: Actually this lake kinda smells like chlorine, with the corpse still in it.
Iglar: The corpse is still in it?!
DM: You just took the head.
Iglar: We took the corpse out!
DM: Okay, you’ve got a dragon corpse.
Iglar: Iglar’s gonna attempt to skin it untrained.
DM: (not missing a beat) All right.
Khoriane: Shouldn’t we let the lizardman do it, because his Survival is higher?
Iglar: But the DM said Survival is no good for it so I might as well do it.
DM: You’d need a Profession or Craft ability that’s relevant.
Iglar: So Intelligence or Wisdom, whichever is higher?
Sargassas: If he’s gonna give us that kind of bonus I should try since I have the highest Wisdom.
Dian: You guys are gonna chop it up into some kind of Franken-corpse.
Sargassas: 19.
DM: You put forth your best effort, but unfortunately you have no idea what you’re doing. The end result is a very gummy, messy, blood-soaked tatter of scales that probably isn’t useful for anything.
Sargassas: Hm. That’s better than dragging a whole corpse around anyway.
Dian: Back in the lake!
Sargassas: It’s also a baby dragon, so.
Iglar: No reason to pollute the lake, throw it over there for the crows.
Dian: For the crows! So we can kill all the crows…
Sargassas: (dying crow noises)
Dian: You guys need more chlorine in your diet! Dead crows, I like it…
Sargassas: Which the vultures feed on, and the vultures die--
Dian: And then the vultures get sick and the FOOD CHAIN IS DESTROYED!
Iglar: Iglar looks inside the dragon’s stomach to see if it ate anything interesting.
DM: (who doesn’t even see this sort of thing as unusual at this point) All right, you cut open the dragon. It’s kind of gruesome. The stench, acid, chlorine, and guts is overwhelming.
Dian: “And I thought they smelled bad…” (gasping) “…on the outside! Gwauh!”
Sargassas: “I am somewhat comfortable with this smell.”
DM: You manage to hold your breath and your gorge long enough to root through the stomach, or at least the item you are most convinced is the stomach in there.
Sargassas: “Why are none of us watching Iglar? He’s doing strange things again!”
DM: However, you find nothing of interest in the corpse—
Sargassas: (pointing at Alex) We find HIM in the corpse!

Paralytic laughter.

DM: I’m sorry I didn’t think of that…
Sargassas: We’re like, slit! “Thank you so for much!”
DM: “You saved me! I was being slowly digested! I had to make Fort saves not to be digested! But I’m a paladin so I’ve been in there for like three weeks.”
Sargassas: He had a ring of sustenance in there!

Again the group collapses into laughter.

Alec: How much is a ring of sustenance?
Dian: You turn yourself into a parasite in there?
Sargassas: Someone else gets eaten, they go down there, there’s like a bonfire set up…
DM: Of course it’s alarming because the dragon is only Medium-sized himself…
Sargassas: Why is there a huge set of armor in this guy’s stomach? You see a head sticking and feet down the bottom… “Why can’t I eat this paladin?!”

The group attempts to rest, but it’s the middle of the day. They instead elect to go back to the capital. The DM asks who’s leading the way; it apparently turns out to be Iglar carrying Ralth, until Sargassas muscles forward to make a Survival check to not get lost. The DM then demands a Spot check, which Sargassas rolls 25 on and still sees nothing.

Iglar: It’s those stupid rangers again.
Dian: We’ll kill them THIS time!
Iglar: I hope they remembered us…
Dian: “There was a paladin with you this time, we had to open fire.”

The group travels on for a day, but fails to make it to the capital in a day’s travel. Sargassas throws down a natural 20 to feed everyone. Night falls. Sargassas ends up with third watch and the DM calls for a Listen check. He rolls a 15 and hears bird singing as the sun begins to rise.

Dian: “TO ARMS, TO ARMS! THE BIRDS HAVE SURROUNDED US!”
DM: “Cheep cheep cheep tweeerble tweerble tweerble AWK AWK.”
Sargassas: So the sun is coming up, it’s getting light?
DM: Yes.
Sargassas: All right, I give my rooster crow, it’s time to wake up.
DM: All right, you all are rudely awakened by a rooster that sounds like a lizardman, or vice versa.
Iglar: “What the hell.”
Sargassas: It was a bird – “Its was the biiirds.”
Ralth: Thunderstone!
Iglar: "Sargassas:, what the hell, honestly? It’s a fucking robin. Good night.”
Sargassas: “No, it’s fucking morning, get up.”
Iglar: “It’s not morning, it’s night!”
Sargassas: It’s dawn.
Dian: Aren’t lizards late risers?
Sargassas: He throws out the thunderstone, it bounces off my armor, lands in his cabin.

Sargassas only rolls a Survival of 16 to feed the group.

DM: You are able to provide for yourself and three other people. You find some eggs in local nests, as well as some birds you manage to catch unawares, but it’s not enough to feed the entire party.
Dian: You caught birds!
DM: (solemn and dire) One of you will have to go hungry.
Iglar: Iglar has rations!
Ralth: (out of nowhere) I rolled a 17 on my Survival check.
DM: Oh, well, uh- Ralth suddenly decides to get off some ass and do some work! Sargassas shows up and is like, “I’s didn’ts gets enough for everyone.” Ralth is just like… (making a throwing motion) Bird falls stunned out of a tree. He casually goes over, wrings its neck, and starts frying it up. And you’re all provided for. You drink out of a nearby stream that’s not too infested with cholera and go on your way.
Sargassas: (cracks up)) “This stream only twenty percent chance of get cholera!”

The DM checks on Alec’s progress and determines he’s aaalmost done. Iglar accuses the DM of waking them up every frickin’ night, though he points out it didn’t happen last night. Alec buys rations.

Ralth: Paladin food.
Dian: Hungry Man rations.
DM: Holy Man rations.
Sargassas: Hungry Paladin rations!

Alec has now thought out almost everything for his character!

DM: What’s your character’s name?
Alec: I have to think about that…
Sargassas: Barack TWO.
Ralth: Ecthelion.
Alec: Ecthelion?
Dian: Then we’d have to call you Ecky for short.
Alec: What’s an aasimar name?
Dian: Jebediah. It’s in the Bible!
Alec: I’ll have a Jebediah-style beard and a little Amish hat…
Khoriane: Don’t spit on the computer, Dian, oh my god!
Alec: And I have an irresistible urge to raise barns… but I have no construction knowledge whatsoever so they suck…
Dian: I’d rather be a Mennonite, like an Amish without electricity.
Alec: Can I be half-Amish?
Iglar: A lesser Amish, they’re ECL one.
Dian: Much more useful Amish.
Alec: I think I have everything I need…
Iglar: He has everything he needs, so we set out—
DM: He needs a NAME.
Sargassas: And we haven’t found him yet, unless the awesome entrance out of the dragon’s stomach…
Alec: Can I be Mendoza?
DM: No!
Alec: Please?
DM: No! We’ve gone down that route once before! (The DM is referencing a Wraith game of some fifteen years ago, where Alec’s character adopted the moniker “Kaiser Soze”.)
Dian: MENDOZAAAAAAAAAAA!
Ralth: Alec and I were playing Get of Fenris in Werewolf once, and we both took the Enemy, Mendoza. It was like a five point Flaw.
Dian: A couple of hulking brutes who don’t like a little Spanish guy!
Ralth: We kept going, “MENDOZAAAAAAA!”
Alec: That was awesome.
DM: Role-playing!
Dian: Flip it around, make it Dozamen.
Alec: Dozamen? It’ll be distracting because we know what we’re talking about…

If you’ve been reading this far and don’t know what character name Alec picked, you might want to consider visiting your neurologist for a tune-up.

Alec: …Baldwin.
DM: Okay, Alec It was not terribly long ago, something on the order of a few months, that you were inducted into the Adventurer’s Guild. However, you were one of the only inductees at the time. They have not been able to assign you to a party. This changed, however, just the other day. A cleric of Bahamut came to you and spoke of many things, dropping many nuggets of wisdom, as is your god’s way. Mostly he said that one of his chosen children had just moments ago had just slain a wyrm, not of great power, but still a decent victory again. Yet some of his companions came close to death. Arrangements have been made—
Sargassas: (to Iglar) Why are you pouring that in the cup?
Iglar: (who has just poured candle wax into a cup) It’s full of peanut shells.
DM: …Iglar, you’re fired, get out.
Iglar: …fired?
DM: So that in the future their battles are more valiant, and their chances of losing those who are dear to them less… join them. Arrangements have been made for you to accompany them. They’re in a kingdom on the other side of the mountains.
Sargassas: Translation: They need a human to talk to the po-lice.
Alec: So I grab my gear, throw my backpack on…
DM: Yes!
Alec: And start walking.
DM: No!
Alec: No?
Dian: “Arrangements have been made.”
DM: No, they send you to the teleporter.
Alec: …this doesn’t look holy.
Dian: Yeah, wait till you meet our boss.
DM: Let him savor the surprise.
Dian: And then, the chef!
DM: This oughtta be good.
Alec: So I go into the teleporter.
DM: Without much fanfare, the wizards there bid you step into the great circle.
Dian: “Here, hold this, it’s an upside-down cross.”
DM: And thence, in a flash of light, you find yourself elsewhere. You’re in a city. Overlooking the city is a great castle. You’ve been told the party will be venturing through here very shortly. Keep an eye out for them!
DM: Yes!
Sargassas: (sarcastically and at the same time) No. You’ll be able to tell.
DM: The one you’re most concerned with, the chosen child of Bahamut, is named Dian.
Alec: Dian?
DM: Dian, but it’s pronounced like that.
Sargassas: John the dragonborn!
DM: You will know him by the fact that he’s a dragonborn. Not exactly common.
Alec: What’s around me, what do I see?
DM: This is not a massive city, but it is a fair-sized one, as it must necessarily be with a castle up there. You’ve been teleported into what is basically a receiving area. Teleports are not immensely common in this particular kingdom, but they do happen occasionally enough that there is an area set aside for them. There’s a minor apprentice waiting for you. He bids you welcome to the city with a sort of formality that speaks of him having memorized the script.
Dian: “Oh, we welcome unto you, oh great paladin…”
Sargassas: “Bring out your dead!”
DM: He gives you directions to local inns, taverns, and so forth.
Alec: First thing I do instead of going to an inn is… is there some sort of main gate?
DM: Yes, there is a wall here, and it does indeed have a gate.
Alec: There’s guards, probably, right?
DM: Yes, there’s a bored-looking guard leaning up against the side wall.
Dian: Roll for initiative!
DM: Alec’s first action, take out the guard!
Dian: He needs to get to level five real quickly! Get your horse!
Alec: I introduce myself to the guard. “Hello, my name is Alec.”
Dian: No effect, you have to “introdufe” yourself.

Alec, looking for the captain, is steered to the barracks, where he is stopped at the door by a guard with “a really easy job”.

DM: “What’s your business at the barracks, sir?”
Alec: “I would like to introduce myself to your captain?”
DM: “The purpose of your visit?”
Alec: “Just to introduce myself and start meeting people in the town.”
DM: “Yer planning to make an extended stay here, sir?”
Alec: “Perhaps.”
DM: “All right, can I have yer name, sir?”
Alec: “Alec.”

Some debate over Alec’s title ensues as he’s brought into the barracks. The elderly captain with “the most imposing mustache you’ve ever seen” comes down shortly thereafter. His name is Korrick. The captain inquires as to his skill with a blade.

Sargassas: Are we going Earthbound, here, he has to fight five of his gray guards, for no apparent reason, just so he can leave the town?
Alec: I share with him that I was sent by the Guild and that I’m to meet a group of friends that are going to be coming into the town, just I wanted to get to know him, and -- I don’t want to bribe him, but I want to make a donation to the security fund or the help fund for the town…
DM: You want to paladin-bribe him.
Alec: Yeah!
DM: We’re off to a fucking great start!
Alec: Grease the wheels a little bit!

Alec throws down a Diplomacy, rolling a 9, which becomes 21 after modifiers. The captain warms up to him swiftly, added by his donation of 20 gold to the watch fund.

DM: (whose adopted accent keeps becoming thicker the more the captain speaks) “Sir, that’s a mighty fine gesture. It’s a pity there aren’t more folks in the world like you in this day and age. Tell you what, if any’a my folks see any’a your folks, I’ll give ya the word, if ya do me the favor of letting me know where to reach ya.”

The captain hurriedly urges him away from the inn the apprentice had named to him, directing him to a lovely little place called the Painted Red Chair.

Sargassas: (finally losing it) This guy’s voice is driving me crazy, it’s so good!
Dian: “Hey Flash, did you like that paladin feller? Yes you did ‘cuz yer a good dawg, Flash!”

Sargassas reminisces about the Crashed Airship, while Alec gets the good treatment at the inn. Meanwhile the adventuring party slowly trudges up to the main gates.

Iglar: Not all of them are travel-stained, Iglar is clean!
DM: That was a day ago, dude.

The guard waves them in without even bothering to look at them. Iglar demands alcohol, so they conveniently decide to ask a guard what places are good. Dian wakes up the guard almost instantly by tossing a silver at him, as Iglar questions him about establishments.

DM: “How nice an establishment are you looking for? Are you looking for a NICE establishment, or a… nice establishment? You could go either way from the look of you, sir.”

Sargassas is tempted by brothels, but Iglar reluctantly picks the former. Sargassas attempts to give him a Bison dollar. The guard coincidentally directs them to the Painted Red Chair. The party mocks the DM’s map yet again.

Iglar: All right, Iglar will shut his trap and then begin walking up the town streets, somewhat tired, propping himself up on his spear.
DM: You whip out your spear. People scream and run away.
Iglar: No!
Sargassas: “He’s got a weapon, run!” “Iglar! Whys do yous do this every time?!”
Iglar: Quit giving me a hard time, it’s a walking stick with a blade!
Sargassas: “He scares everybody! First he gets drunk and causes us to be held in the hold!”
Dian: I’ll have some “I’m With Stupid” embroidery put on my robes.
Khoriane: That’s our tabard.
Iglar: People can walk around with a spear!
DM: You’re not harassed so long as you don’t menace anyone with it.
Sargassas: That’s when he goes… (yawning and stretching widely…)
DM: “Wait, the tavern’s in THAT direction?” (making a pointing-with-the-spear gesture) “Oh no, sir, I’m sorry!” You stab one of the town elders. His beard is stained with blood.
Ralth: “Welp, time to go!”
DM: “It’s the halfling! He’s got a giant warrior! Halfling invasion!”
Ralth: (flips the DM off)

The situation degenerates into Amok Time music. The group finally gets to the tavern.

DM: There’s only one other patron there, AS IF BY COINCIDENCE.
Dian: This is the part where he moves to center screen and we get to change his name if we want.

Alex watches the procession enter the bar. First Iglar, describing his finery in all its detail. Then Sargassas, a boring lizardman in chain mail, who inexplicably senses a paladin. Alec invites them to join him.

DM: Meanwhile, outside, Ralth, Dian, and Khori are just standing around…
Dian: I usually take up the rear, I’m waiting for her to float in, and Ralth to step under the swinging doors…
DM: Close behind the lizardman comes in a fluttering, blue, small winged girl. And then a HALFLING! HALFLING SCUM! HALFLING SCOURGE OF THE ALLIANCE!

The DM keeps shouting about halfling scum till Alec demands, and gets, an explanation about the halfling empire and how the confederated lands despise them.

Dian: They’re like a notch below Nazis in this campaign setting.
Sargassas: “This halfling is with the Adventurers’ Guild, fear not.”
Ralth: “Yeah, fuck the Leaf Empire.”

Dian at last enters by DM fiat. The dragonborn! His target! Dian sizes up Alec, questioning what an aasimar looks like and getting the Cliff Notes version.

Iglar: Plus he’s incredibly good-looking. Iglar sits down. “Sooo, handsome…”
DM: Everyone’s gay for Alec!
Sargassas: “I nots likes him that way!”
DM: Roll a Will saving throw.
Sargassas: What, my best save?
Iglar: He IS a priest.
Dian: What are you… rolling… to resist going gay for him?
DM: All right, you’re not gay for Alec.
Alec: “You wouldn’t by chance be Dian, would you?”
Sargassas: “Who wants to know?”
Dian: Yeah, that’s pretty much what’s going through his head. “I didn’t know anyone here knew my name.”
Alec: “That’s probably because I’m not from around here.”
Iglar: Yeah, suddenly he’s surrounded by a circle of blades.
Dian: “Then why would anyone be looking for me?”

A pause.

DM: He’s forgotten already…
Alec: “I’m supposed to meet up with a person that goes by that name, I was told he was going to be here.”
Dian: “Then you’ve found him.”
Alec: “Very well then.” (pausing) “What’s the password?”
Dian: “Uh… um… ellipsis.”
Alec: “That’s good enough, they didn’t give me a password. Well, since you seem to be the person I’m supposed to meet…”
Dian: “You have my word of…“ Do they have honor, here?
Alec: Do I believe him?
DM: (ironic) Dragonborn aren’t exactly common. Very few people give up their lives to the service of Bahamut such to the effect that they change their race. You might wanna display a holy symbol of Bahamut or something right now. Probably go a little ways to earning his trust.
Alec: I display the holy symbol that I DID purchase, actually, so it’s on my sheet.
DM: I didn’t actually think you would have. Well-played, sir.

Alec purchases drinks, winning their friendship in time-honored fashion, and they overwork the bartender in getting food. Dian, remembering their poor reception, is shocked.

Dian: “How did you get people here to speak to you?”
Alec: “I said hello?”

The group orders something like one of everything on the menu. Alec asks what they’ve been doing; Iglar slams the dragon head onto the table in answer, provoking some debate in which sack it was kept. Sargassas chides Iglar, who doesn’t care. Alignment checks occur left and right as they talk, in jest anyway. Alec checks them for evil, but not chaos, so his head doesn’t explode. They feast. Iglar pulls out his casks, to a chorus of “oh no” from the group. He attempts to get the innkeeper to identify them, but said innkeeper can’t identify the long-past markings. Sargassas tells him they’re over 300 years old.

DM: “Oh… that’s well before my time.”
Ralth: I hope so!
DM: “I mean – I’m not a god! This isn’t a test! …How’s the fondue?”
Ralth: “Divinely delicious.”
DM: You feel your age melting off of you. The Fondue of the Gods is yours.
Sargassas: The moment we say that the illusion disappears, we’re in the middle of the desert and the tavernkeeper is now the head of our pantheon…

Iglar cheerfully recounts his experience drinking the alarmingly solid beverage.

Iglar: “But these two are better!”
Ralth: They actually slosh.
DM: They slosh instead of ooooooooze.

They waste the rest of the day and the entire night in One Piece-level revelry.

Khoriane: I’ll be plenty merry, I’ll just be stopping drinking after a certain point.
DM: That’s probably wise considering you’re the only female there.
Sargassas: The guards are like, “LET THE RAPING BEGIN!”
Dian: She can just float above their heads and be all, “You can’t rape me!”
DM: “But I wanna!”
Iglar: “Come down here! You know you want it!”
Sargassas: “Iglars, that’s our party member, stop it.”
Iglar: (pointing at Alec) “What about him, he looks pretty good.”
Alec: … do you actually say this?
Iglar: No…

The group reminisces about the jerk halfling who’d insulted Orialla waaay back in the other city. The DM asks who’s taking first watch.

DM: There’s a mountain lion! And wolves, for some reason! It turns out all the guards are werewolves. With a taste for halfling! Like every other wolf in the world.
Dian: “It appears the innkeeper is dead! It must be one of YOU!”
DM: “Unless you can prove it was someone else!” And then you spend five sessions on the Inn Murder. “Oh that’s it, we’re just gonna leave!” “There is a waist-high table blocking the door for some reason.” “I try to move it—“ “You can’t, it’s noninteractive.” “I try to go over-“ “You CAN’T jump it. It’s WAIST-HIGH.”

Iglar snores the night away, irritating everyone. Dian plots Thunderstoney vengeance. Next day the group heads to the castle and is promptly ensnared in a net of bureaucracy while trying to see the king.

Iglar: “Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, could you do what you did with the local constabulary the other day and help us out?”
Sargassas: “We’s not good with the political mumbo-jumbo.”
Alec: …I say “hello.” (a pause) “My name is Alec, what is yours?”
DM: All right, you intercept about the third guy who appears ready to pass you off onto another guy. “M-myself? Killik.”
Alec: “Are you any relation to…” And I drop the name of the guard from the previous day.
DM: “Oh no, I’m afraid not, he’s just a local guy, has nothing to do with us.”
Alec: “Nothing to do?”

Alec gets a Diplomacy roll for his charming, and manages to raise the guy to ‘friendly’ from ‘indifferent’. This gets them into the throne room for the audience hour. They follow the chancellor’s directions to get there.

Alec: Now before we get there, I stop for a moment and I look. All weapons sheathed?
Sargassas: “Do not worries about us, it’s Iglar you has to worry about.”

Alec browbeats “the guy in the pimp hat” till he takes the pointy parts off his spear and binds his axe. The group manages to get into the audience chamber. Khori starts scribbling a report. The captain of the guard gives them a little grief, then shuts them up as they start to explain the situation. A fanfare of trumpets precedes the King’s entrance. Alec kneels appropriately.

Iglar: Iglar attempts to imitate him.
Sargassas: Roll!
Iglar: (rolls)
Sargassas: He rolled a three for his imitation efforts!
Ralth: He stubs his toe.
Sargassas: He falls over.
Iglar: He kneels and his greataxe goes boom.
Alec: His cock falls out.
Dian: It’s like a turkey hitting a table.

His Majesty, a ten-year-old child, and his regent, enter. The DM asks for Knowledge(nobility) or similar rolls if anyone cares to use them, but no one has the ability. Sargassas insists on not being the one to not give the report. Alec points out he wasn’t there. Sargassas volunteers Dian, but ends up speaking anyway. Reports of an undead kingdom inspire gasps of horror, as well as anger. The group insistently attempts to convince the regent that the undead are friendly. Iglar considers the wine cup.

Iglar: The cup was worth ten gold, it’s probably not good enough to present as a gift, right?
Alec: We can, like, tape ten more gold to it.

The captain of the guard, Sir Edric, cuts them off by pointing out to the regent that the adventurers’ opinions are irrelevant to the kingdom. The regent agrees, then thanks the adventurers politely. Everyone demands a Sense Motive check. Dian critically fails.

Dian: They’re about to attack us all!
Alec: They’re going to kill us before we leave the castle.
DM: You’re fairly certain the elderly regent is just going to find a way to make this into an excuse to murder his young charge and seize the true power of the kingdom.
Dian: What?
Alec: Christ.
DM: (slowly) If the regent kills the king he gets to be king.

Iglar can’t discern anyone’s motivation, but Khori and Ralth immediately perceive that the regent will declare war. The regent thanks them, and hopes that the guild will be kind to them and that the kingdom will see them again soon…

DM: …at which the Captain of the Guard manages to just go very very still and repress all expression off his face, with what you can only assume is an act of supreme will.
Iglar: Sense Motive.
DM: (pausing in shock) HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU! HE DOESN’T LIKE THE ADVENTURERS’ GUILD! I’m not making you roll for that.

Iglar tries to convince the party that they should return to the undead kingdom to warn them, but Dian and Sargassas are opposed.

Sargassas: I’m a bloody cleric, I’m an a destroyer of undead! The fact that I did not try to wipe them out is an effect of my willpower.
Iglar: They gave Iglar BOOZE, you don’t understand!
Sargassas: (sputters)
Iglar: Look at this hat! LOOK AT THIS HAT!

The DM points a couple of the people in the direction of their religious packets. Iglar discloses his atheism; Alec determines that he ought to be slaughtering the undead. Sargassas finds a way to interpret the undead as tolerable thanks to the shamanistic perspective of the Darkness as good (and the Light as evil). Alec proposes they “set them free”, but Sargassas points out they shouldn’t be going on illegal adventures. Iglar tries to classify it as a ‘slight detour’, but Alec, of all people, points out that they have a teleport back, which doesn’t quite justify a detour.

Alec: “They’re not going to amass an army in an hour, it takes time and logistics. Have you ever walked with an actual army?”
DM: You look outside and you see an army. “Good thing we had this lying around!”
Iglar: “Alec… there’s something you should know about the management. The management… has been very friendly towards us, but we don’t know – well you just haven’t met the management. You’ll understand when you meet the management why I prefer to rely on myself in this case…”

Iglar is overruled by the rest of the party. Iglar considers going off on his own, but Ralth has a sap.

DM: And then you wake him up and tell him, yeah, you went to warn the undead, then you got real drunk, and here you are.
Alec: And had sex with one of them.
Sargassas: “They were so happy that you warned them, they had a nice drinking party with the secret ale they had in the back, that they were keeping for when they make live again.”
Iglar: DM… how many days if we walked from here, to Guildhome?
DM: Uhhhh, you’d have to climb mountains the size of the Himalayas, how do you feel about that?
Iglar: Excited, but perhaps I’m the only one.
Sargassas: I quickly grab Iglar and RING!

The group teleports back – the teleporter ring actually works, as the group bemoans the initial teleporter not working and the boat adventure. The group promptly sets off for the guild to speak with Vexian.

DM: Alec, as you travel down these stairs with the rest, it begins to get hotter, and drier. You continue down and notice that sand appears to be speckling the stairs, growing ever more great, until at last you step out of the bottom of it, into what appears to be a vast desert stretching out as far as you can see.
Alec: (a long, long pause) Detect Evil…?
Sargassas: Wait for it!
DM: You detect no evil, though in front of you the sand is beginning to shift. From the dunes in front of you rises an immense blue dragon.
Alec: (long pause) …which is evil.
DM: You’re detecting no evil!
Alec: Really.
DM: Yes.
Alec: If it looks like a duck… and it quacks like a duck…
DM: “Welcome. And welcome young paladin. I see you eyeing me with suspicion and hostility.”
Dian: Seem familiar?
Sargassas: “You is a dead man, I’s no fight big dragon. For there is a dragon god.”
Alec: “It… seems like we don’t have any particular… issues…”

Vexian reassures Alec that he follows the god of magic, not Tiamat. Sargassas realizes in passing that the power “The Dragon” is ridiculously evil. The group recounts their adventures. Vexian notes that he knew of a dragon who sought to become a dracolich, who flew off pursuing some discovery and hadn’t been heard from since. The group shows him the rubbings of the dagger.

DM: The dragon lowers his head down. You can’t help but notice each of his eyes are bigger than any one of you.
Ralth: Poke!
DM: “Oww, whyyy?!” He blinks, take 46d6 crushing damage.
Sargassas: He’s like a Garfield on the window of a car, with those eyes.
Ralth: “CAN YA SEE ME??”
Iglar: Yes, he has like Spot +50, he doesn’t even need to bend down.
Sargassas: He rolls a 1, though. “Where did the little one go?”
Dian: “Thief! I smell you…”
Iglar: Blink!
Alec: Pops like a zit…

Vexian takes the rubbings to research them. Iglar boasts about his winnings. Vexian tells him that his copper dragon scale necklace protects against acid damage.

Alec: “If what you suspect happened to these villages, can they be saved?”
DM: “That depends on how you define ‘saved’. Would you prefer ’quelled’ or ‘restored to livingness’?
Alec: “I would prefer ‘restored to livingness’.”
DM: “Well, that would probably take a miracle such as the world has never seen.”
Sargassas: “A wish properly worded could do it.”
Alec: “A miracle such as the world has never seen.”
DM: “Well yes. Restoring life to one is within the purview of certain priests, but restoring life to an entire kingdom?”

Iglar again tries to get permission to warn them, but Vexian indicates he must give his own report to the guild council, and that the players should expect questioning. Also they have been paid! It has been sent to their house.

Sargassas: “Oh noes, the red mans will takes all our gold!”
DM: (Cheltenbourne voice) “This was the best job I ever had. So long, suckers!”
Ralth: He just used it all to buy food.

Alec agrees to join the group and accept Vexian as a patron. He is instantly stripped of his paladin levels (not really). Iglar hauls out the dragon head trophy.

Iglar: “Oh Master Vexian, I almost forgot, look what we found in the woods! It was attached to a dragon.”
Sargassas: “MY SON!”
Alec: “That was my brother, Eddie.”
DM: “Thank you for contributing to weeding out the weak and useless of the species.”
Sargassas: He immediately eats the head for no apparent reason. NOM NOM NOM – “Why would you eat it?”
Ralth: …Does he want it?
DM: “Why would I want it?”
Dian: “Here you go, Ralth, a halfling head.”
DM: It’s not awful, but it stinks pretty bad.
Ralth: “Quick! To the taxidermist!”

The party mocks the map again, mildly. Vexian guesses, in response to Iglar’s questions, that it will take months for the army to muster. Iglar barely understands a word of the lengthy explanation of a feudal society. Ralth and Iglar take the head to a taxidermist, who charges them 10 gold.

Ralth: “WHAT?!”
DM: “Unless you want a shitty job. You want a shitty job? I can do it. Just pop out an eye here…”
Ralth: “What, are you gonna fill it with shit?”
DM: “Yes.”
Ralth: “…let’s get a good one then.”
Alec: When you get it back, the fucking eyes are uneven…
DM: It has a really stupid grin.
Ralth: I will pay for this.
Sargassas: You see on the corner he takes Bison dollars…

The party then returns to their home sweet home!

DM: Arriving at their house, no sooner does the door open then you’re greeted by a comely lass of seventeen. “Welcome home, masters and mistress.”
Khoriane: “How have you been?”
DM: “All has been well in your absence.”
Sargassas: “Has you beens stayings out of the swamp room?”
DM: “I haven’t touched your room, sir, I know you prefer it that way.”
Sargassas: “Yessss… to the basements I go.”
DM: (Cheltonbourne voice) “All right, they’re back! Hey guys!” Coming out of one of the side doors is what appears to be a demon. Red skin… horns… black hair… fiendish looking eyes—
Alec: Detect evil!
DM: You pause and stare at him for a moment, but you detect no evil.
Alec: Religious knowledge, what is he? Umm, 14.
DM: As far as you can tell, it’s a demon! It looks like a duck, it quacks like a duck…
Alec: Intriguing.
Iglar: “Introductions! Introductions, um, Alec, Cheltonbourne, Cheltonbourne, Alec, and this is Kelly, our housewife – maid! Maid.”
Alec: Detect evil!
DM: Purest, blackest not-evil. The innocent girl is not evil.
Sargassas: I poke my head out, “Yous makes food, Cheltonbourne, I hunger!”

Cheltonbourne makes the players hungry with his descriptions of food, then attempts to befriend a skeptical Alec. Sargassas tells Alec to keep Kelly company, since he’s the human-looking one, and not scary.

Iglar: Is she staring at him? He’s the best-looking guy she’s ever seen probably.
DM: She’s spent all this time with Cheltonbourne, so she doesn’t seem scared of you guys, who are comparatively normal, compared to him… but she does seem to be casting more looks at you than might otherwise be standard.
Alec: “Hello.”
DM: “Greetings, sir, and welcome to our home.”
Alec: “Uh, it seems pretty… nice, and roomy, so far.”
Iglar: “Oh yes yes, let us show you around!”
Dian: LOOK AT YOU COCKBLOCKING! LOOK AT YOU COCKBLOCKING!
Sargassas: “Bad Iglar! Bad!”
Iglar: “What’d I do?! I was trying to be welcoming, what the hell.”
Sargassas: Don’t you have knowledge of being a man?
Dian: Well, enough talking to the girl, let’s show you around!
Alec: …do I detect cockblock?
DM: You don’t have that ability. Unless you have Sense Motive. Do you have Sense Motive?
Alec: No…

Alec appoints Kelly to lead the tour of the house, giving Iglar the eye as he walks past. It quickly degenerates into skin-kicking. The group hunts down the reward, which was brought in chests: 800 gold, 900 silver, and 20,000 copper. The group curses the copper. The DM actually explains it in terms of most city currency exchanges being in copper, and so a large quantity was provided for their convenience. They also receive armor, a portion, and a wand. The group ponders loot and purchases. There’s also a letter from Orialla, the swordsmith, who states that she has some items they might be interested in. Sargassas claims he’s winning her over.

Sargassas: “Slowly.”
Khoriane: “Very slowly. But… it could happen.”
Dian: Hey man, you can tell her, “Comes downs to the swamps, check out my ssssstereo.”
DM: “It hassss Dolbysssss five point onesssss channelssesss.”

The DM layers on the flavor text for the shop. Iglar divides the loot, but doesn’t sell off the couple thousand in pimp-clothing he’d been given. An enchanted mirror in the shop greets them. She has a couple of items to offer: a Large-sized greatsword once used to slay a half-giant king in the midst of a civil war. Iglar turns it down almost immediately on hearing it has no special properties, despite the others encouraging him to hang it on the wall. It is also time for his player to go. The other item proffered is a mace crafted of finely worked stone, with each of its flanges carved to represent a different god. They immediately detect magic on it before the DM can give any information on it whatsoever. Dian attempts to involve himself in usury, which Sargassas accepts. The game slowly winds down with fond reminiscences of the first Birthright game and Alec detecting evil on Orialla, but only finding a Fleshgrinding Masterslaying sword -- leading to further reminiscence, till the end of the night.