Last week work was soooo busy...

("How busy was it?")

It was so busy, I didn't even have time to get to last Sunday's game report.



For the preceding weeks, Khor and the DM have been arguing about whether or not warblades should be nerfed. Nasty, technical arguments that bore the other players to tears. At last the malicious game of brinksmanship comes to a head: the DM elects not to nerf warblades, but Khor loses his character sheet and remakes the character as a druid anyway. With shrugs all around, they begin the session!

DM: (looking over Khor's character sheet) Greenbound Summoning? What does that feat do?
Khor: It gives every creature I summon the Greenbound template.
DM: What's that?
Khor: (handing him the relevant book with the template in it)
DM: (after reading about two sentences) I think this may be a little too powerful.
Khor: Oh, if you think that now, wait till you read the rest of it.

The Greenbound template, by way of explanation, gives the creature it's applied to plant type (with relevant immunities), +6 natural AC, DR 10/magic and slashing, fast healing 3, +4 to grapple, tremorsense, +6 Str, +2 Dex, +4 Con, and access to several spells. Its downside? Uh... animal-based buffs don't work any more. So balanced.

DM: Yeaaah, I don't think so.
Khor: (who had never expected to get away with this) Okay, I'll replace it with Augment Summoning. My only real hope was if you hadn't read the template before we started...
DM: (to Rhuarc and Khor) Okay, you two have been exploring the ridge.
Willow: Rhuarc and Khor explore!
Rhuarc: What land do we explore?
Khor and Willow: GHOERE!
Rhuarc: While you explore you meet the lord of Ghoere!
DM: I think I am going to regret having named the city to the south "Bhor."

The DM sketches out a quick map on the table, pointing out where the characters are and tracing their progress with the marker. At some point, someone asks what animal companion Khor has.

Khor: Swindlespitter dinosaur.
DM: What? You can't have a dinosaur!
Khor: It's an acceptable animal companion!
DM: This is the north! It's cold! Dinosaurs can't live here!
Khor: It could be feathered!

The other players make amused jokes as Khor attempts to search the internet for information on furred lizards, fails, and starts erasing his companion.

Khor: I start forward, glancing at my dinosaur with pride, when suddenly, it turns into a dog! I'm horrified.

Khor and Rhuarch exchange pleasant greetings with a mysterious robed figure, who drops many a cryptic phrase in their direction.

DM: He bids you farewell, turns, and --
Khor: Jumps off the cliff.
Bannorn: "I should have thought this throoooooooough...."
DM: As you continue along, you reach a chasm. From the other side, you hear an enchanting song.
Rhuarc: How deep is this chasm?
DM: About fifty feet.
Khor: We can handle that. "Get out the knotted rope..." huh, I'm starting to sound like Mr. Satan. "That song's a cheap trick!"
Rhuarch: Hey, THAT could be my character's voice.

Exploring, they discover a peaceful glade, full of goats and a wide pool. As they enter and approach the pool, they find themselves drowsy. Mindful of the mysterious man's advice, that a spirit is known to live in these mountains, they allow themselves to succumb to sleep. Khor wakes up first, and finds himself walking down a path to an immense citadel, from which a female face peers at him from a window. A bird circles overhead.

DM: The bird speaks in your mind. "Bring her to me, and I will reward you greatly!" A pile of gold appears on the ground, shining brilliantly.
Khor: "And just what do you plan to do with her?"
DM: "That's not your concern. Come come, surely you can't resist this gold."
Khor: "I'm pretty sure I just did. You have nothing I want. Now if it had been a dinosaur, maybe..."
DM: "I can give you a dinosaur. I can tell you how to travel south, where the dinosaurs live!" A little dinosaur crawls out of the pile of gold and begins frolicking at your feet.
Khor: You lost me at "frolicking".
Bannorm: Meanwhile, in the barbarian's head: "RRAAAAAWGH!"

Rhuarc wakes to find a girl splashing in the pool, bathing in the nude. She had apparently slipped in while he was sleeping peacefully.
Khor: That's not peaceful! THAT'S NOT PEACEFUL!
Rhuarc: I call out to her.
DM: She seems really afraid of you, a burly strong man on the shore.
Rhuarc: Yeah, she just missed that when she went for the swim...
DM: A bird lands nearby, and a voice speaks in your head. "Bring her to me, and riches will be yours."
Rhuarc: I'm glad I'm not playing Wes.

Rhuarc resists the temptation as well, and so his dream fades too.

Khor: We both wake up, but with a different exclamation. "Dinosaurs!" "Boobies!"

Having gained temporary hit points, the two swiftly leave the glade before they can be further incited to carnivorous slaughter by the glade goats.

Willow: "We-e-e ta-a-aste a-a-awesome ro-o-o-oasted!"
DM: All right, you guys continue to explore... (drawing a weaving path on the table with dots from the marker)
Azer: You guys are leaving a terrible path.
Khor: We're in the Family Circus.
Rhuarc: Where's Jeffy going today?

Stumbling upon a descending cavern, the two travel down it to the far side of the ridge -- and into an burial ground.

Khor: I'm performing every ritual I know to apologize for trespassing on a burial ground.
Rhuarc: Whose tribe does this belong to?
DM: Yours, Bear tribe.
Rhuarc: How many tribes are there, anyway?
DM: There are two to five tribes, depending on how you count.
Bannorm: Really bad, or really well.
Azer: 1, 2.... 5.

Continuing on, the pair rescue a pair of baby cougars from a cave (to sell to rangers for profit), then discover cave paintings on the walls! One is of an immense reptilian beast, with great wings, that appears to be breathing fire...

Khor: This is going to ruin my plans to get the feat that lets me turn into a dragon, isn't it. Okay, we're heading back to town.
DM: Wow, that took longer than I thought it would. Sorry...

The other characters actually get a turn to play, as the town throws an immense feast to celebrate the arrival of the first dwarven traders of the year. Every resident of the town gathers to feast and celebrate, Azer's prominent family the most noticeable.

Khor: Does EVERYbody dig his sister?

Meanwhile, Willow is approached by someone trying to lure her into the town for the festivities; as a half-elf, her racial heritage subjects her to discrimination and bigotry. There's also some discussion of her physiology.

Willow: Elves are extremely slender.
Rhuarc: Like a 12 year old boy!
Azer: B-cup.
Rhuarc: Why are we sizing this character's breasts?!
Bannorm: Yeah, right now I'm face-down in a bowl of mead...
Rhuarc: Bobbing for mead, everyone's a winner!
Khor: Just out of curiosity, I'm watching to see how many of the young men are ogling Azer's sister during the feast.
DM: At one point or another, all of them. But it's not like she's the only one!
Azer: They're just looking around at ALL the girls.
DM: There's many young lasses there...
Willow: Your sister's just the hottest!

The merriment continues. Azer, joking about the need to survive poison, looks at his character sheet.

Azer: My fort saves are so bad, god these stats are horrible! (burying his face in his character sheet and weeping)

The entertainment portion of the evening begins. Azer's grandfather rises and sings a pointed morality epic about why humans and elves shouldn't mix.

Azer: Why is my family so RACIST?!
Khor: Leave your grandfather alone, he's a fine storyteller. Many a day I've sat up listening to his tales of Denver.... the last dinosaur. He's our friend. And a whole lot more.
Bannorm: (happy drunk noises)
Khor: (holding up a finger) "Hey Bannorn, follow."
Bannorm: (focusing on the finger) "Okay --" (Khor moves it to his other side) "-- wait -- nope, nope--" (Khor moves it back to the starting point) "-- there it is."

Azer's sister petitions the PCs to go deliver a letter to her banished boyfriend. Sensing plot, the PCs agree, and prepare to set off.

DM: Is everyone on board... Rhuarc?
Khor: Everyone's on board Rhuarc? He's our mount now. Oh no, I rolled a natural 1 on my Ride (Rhuarc) check. Your neck snaps because of my ungraceful mounting.

The players head back to the ridge, with Azer failing a Climb check on the way--

Azer: Six damage! From a minor fall! I have one hit point left! My stats SUCK!
DM: As you reach the chasm, you hear singing again -- but this time, it's a harsh growling sound.
Khor: We've stumbled onto a metal band!
Azer: I have like one hit point left, I'm not sure I can do a fight right now.
Khor: You'll be fine, with stats like that.
Azer: Shut your hole.
Khor: I roll my shut-my-hole-not save! I pass! Because of my high stats!

Azer's murderous rampage, however, was delayed by the end of the session. Next time: COMBAT!