As the session begins, the DM, concerned about monk and warlock balance, promulgate some house rules. Dian accepts his copy eagerly, begins reading, and is promptly baffled.

Dian: A +1 bread and butter bonus?
DM: Base attack bonus!
Dian: BAB, what else could that stand for...
Sargassas: So what were we up to? We'd gotten off that ship adventure that took forEVER...
Khoriane: The dragon had agreed to help us pay for a house.
Sargassas: We are never traveling by ship again. Anywhere we go, we go by land!
DM: Next time a ship has interesting characters, back away!
Ralth: No, it's if the other passengers have names.
Sargassas: If you ask him the names and he starts writing them down, that's the way to go.

The PCs spend the night at the guildhall, which provides free lodging for members, as well as other services.

Sargassas: Point the way to the guildhall sexy lizardman brothel!
Dian: It's just a female standing over you with a lantern...
DM: Ralth, make a listen check.
Ralth: (rolls)
DM: Okay. You wake up in small room. It's pitch black, and after a moment you realize your arms and legs are bound.
Sargassas: And your ass hurts.
DM: Ugh.
Ralth: I roll Escape Artist... and, uh, does my ass hurt?
DM: No.
Ralth: Knots on my head?
DM: Oh hell yeah.

Ralth tries to stall his kidnapper, but after a question on his stance on the halfling empire, Ralth is knocked unconscious again and returned to his room in the guildhall, after which the player apparently forgets entirely about this encounter. Their patron, the dragon Vexian, informs them that they are promoted to full member status, and that a contact of his will be in touch with them momentarily.

DM: "I've informed him to find selections for you that have a basement that can be sealed off."
Ralth: How do we get water?
DM: The city is on a river, and there are pumps and so forth in it.
Sargassas: So we'd have to pay to have the room filled, though.
Ralth: You could break into the sewers.
Sargassas: "Thissss water is thick and smellsss foul!"
DM: "Just likes the swampssss!"
Sargassas: "Too much poo, though."
DM: "Just like the swampssss!"

The PCs return to the entry hall to meet their contact: a gnomish businessman named Brizzle.

Dian: (practically giggling) Does he have a hat? And a long nose?
DM: And wings, and he's immune to the Force.
Dian: "You think you're some sort of guild member or something?"
DM: He leads you to the carriage.
Sargassus: Okay, let's see where we're going!

The players and DM produce their copies of the city map which the DM has laboriously produced and copies for them, complete with map key.

DM: You start heading northwest on the main street to the main gate, then make a right.
Sargassas: So we're on this street?
DM: No, this street.
Sargassas: But you said northwest!
Khoriane: North is that way.
Ralth: No, north is curved...
DM: It's not curved!
Sargassas: Why is it like this?!
DM: Not every city is oriented northwards!
Dian: I'm going to take this, and I'm going to turn it upside down. There, that fixed it. It's perfect.
DM: I hate you all. Fine, fuck the compass needle. You all go from here to here, and every other city in the world will be oriented on a northward basis!

The PCs head towards an average neighborhood -- no miserable place, but not for the wealthy and powerful, either.

DM: "This is not the nicest place you could have, but it is the place you're least likely to have to deal with... prejudice."
Sargassas: Wait... scaley, halfling, half-giant, scaley, little blue thing... We really needed one human in this group to talk to the po-lice.

Brazzle shows them a couple of other locations, but the PCs decide on the last one: a house directly bordering Market Square, where the most strange and exotic items are traded. The catch with this house is that it has one bedroom that's nicer than the others...

Dian: So who gets the top bedroom--
Iglar: Yoink!
Sargassas: The ceiling was two inches too small...
DM: From the outside you see shingles rising up like tunnels from his head.
Ralth: "So do we need to sign anything?"
DM: "No, it is all taken care of." (making a mustache-stroking gesture)
Dian: Is he stroking his mustache?!
DM: Yes.
Dian: Is Brazzle wearing a shirt?
DM: What?
Khoriane: He's not an oily Pringles man!
Iglar: Okay, let's roll for the room!

Iglar, Dian, and Ralth roll -- as does the DM, oddly.

Sargassas: Why is HE rolling?
Ralth: (imitating Brazzle) "I too will be living with you..."
Iglar: You want my room?! You'll be up in my room all right... with me... in my PANTS!

Amusingly, the large, luxurious room is assigned to the monk, who has no real use for such luxury. The PCs begin setting up. Sargassas goes out to the locksmith, and has him make copies of the house key as well as strongboxes for everyone.

Ralth: Great, now every person in the city will have a copy of our key. You know the DM, he'll fucking do it!
Sargassas: Can I get a clock around here?
DM: Mechanical clocks haven't been invented in this age. You could get a waterclock, but they're expensive and not too accurate.
Ralth: "What time is it?" "WATER!"

Sargassas then visits a nursery...

DM: There are a few normal plants here -- and a lot of strange ones. There are plants that look like they're on fire. A series of bamboo tubes actually play music. In the corner, there's a tree that you can actually see flies moving slower as they get near it.
Sargassas: A TIME DISTORTION TREE?!
DM: You look for the proprietor and don't see one, but after a moment a small globe of light zips up. It's a small, pixie-like being. "Good afternoon, sir, and how many I help you?"

Sargassas explains what he's about -- trying to set up his basement to be like his swampy origin -- and the fairy obliges, zipping into the back room and then returning...

DM: "This is the Arborean stenchplant. The stinkiest plant in the multiverse."
Dian: The MULTIverse?!
Sargassas: "I'll take two. What about vinesss?"
DM: "Sentient or non-sentient? Carnivorous or non-carnivorous?"
Dian: This is how hentai gets started... we're going to come home some day and find a girl in his room, every orifice plugged with a sentient plant...

Sargassas leaves and returns home with his purchases. A very short time later an angry group consisting of the rest of the PCs returns to the nursery, desperately seeking any solution to neutralize the Arborean stenchplants. They quickly become distracted with the nursery's contents: the Arborean wind-fern, the Aradian waving frond, the Mechanus buzzsaw plant, the Styxian hells-bells--

Sargassas: Where is he GETTING these NAMES?! I'd have to stop and think about all of this, but he's just spitting them out one after another!
Ralth: "How much is that time-distortion tree?"
DM: "Fourteen thousand--"
Ralth: (shooting him a dirty look) I'm writing this down.

The character return, purses substantially lighter for all their plant purchases, to find their flagpole being installed. They still have not selected a name. Iglar grabs a random viking helmet -- in real life, yes -- and starts scribbling down name choices on paper for a vote -- only to have the group immediately arrive at a consensus as he starts asking what names to write down.

Meanwhile, Khori had earlier gone to the chefs' and servants' guilds to get some hired help for the house. The chefs' guild had informed her the would be sending an applicant that they had trouble placing elsewhere. Now there is a knock on the door!

DM: You open the door to find a tall person, about seven-foot-five, standing there. He has deep blood-red skin, a powerful build, long dark hair that has horns sticking out of it.. (adopting his best Satan voice) "Good evening sirs and lady. My name is Cheltonbourn. I'm here from the chefs' guild."

The players stare in awe at this. Eventually they recover enough to put a few questions to him, which the DM continues to answer in a thoroughly demonic voice.

Ralth: "So long as your food doesn't have the rasp your voice does, I'm sold!"
DM: And he rolls a natural 20 on his first meal for you guys, so you all chose wisely.

An innocent, 17-year-old girl named Kelly shows up as their servant. Iglar promptly takes a shine to her.

Iglar: "There's one thing we REQUIRE..."
Dian: He says, whipping it out...
Sargassas: Oh god, this is gonna end well.
Khoriane: (to something entirely unrelated) You leave my roses alone!

The players, satisfied with their brief conversion from Dragon Age to The Sims (except for Dian, who has been protesting this nursery nonsense for some time), retire for the night. Iglar and Ralth are the first up the next morning, and stumble downstairs to find Kelly waiting patiently for them.

DM: ... are you guys wearing pants?
Ralth: I AM wearing pants.
Iglar: PANTS! (running back upstairs)

Kelly gives them a message: They have work! They swiftly enjoy a delicious breakfast.

DM: (Satanic voice)"Filet of SOOOOOUL."
Ralth: Let's go buy some more plants.
Dian: (makes a choking noise, as his fingers twitch)

The team is sent to deal with some undead in a confederated kingdom, but on being transported there they receive a cold welcome from the knight assigned to brief them. Iglar, of all people, makes an untrained Diplomacy check to improve his attitude, and discovers that he's angry with them because he himself cannot go deal with the problem, as it is considered an "adventure" and law prohibits him from doing guilded work. The party gets the information from him and heads out, only to be assaulted by rangers! They swiftly subdue the rangers.

Sargassas: I should me a chaotic evil lizardfolk to eat the corpses of my enemies...
Khoriane: "We're from the Adventurers' Guild!"
DM: "...Oh no! We're soooo sorry!"
Sargassas: "Do we LOOK like undead?"
DM: "No, you look like monsters?"
Sargassas: (considering this for a moment) "Son of a BITCH!"
DM: Cheltenbourn shows up. "Hey guys I showed up to bring you some food." "IT'S ALL TRUE! IT"S ALL TRUE!"
Ralth: "Good intentions, wrong time."
Iglar: We force the rangers to escort us the rest of the way.

After the traditional bitching -- in this case, about how the rangers had the multishot feat -- the session ended! Will our heroes find and defeat the undead? Of course. But HOW? Tune in next time!