Mrrshala: And Aiden is like, "Yay vindication, fuck you all, fuckers."

Aiden is correct, the players did in fact beat a construct of some sort last time, and as they remind themselves of the old adventure, the DM hands out experience and treasure. Amongst the items is a wand, which they pass to Aiden, because he has Use Magic Device.

Aiden: I point the wand and say the word that's inscribed on it. What is the word, anyway? (not really waiting for a response, he makes a wand motion) "Bird." Bird is the word.
DM: As you speak the word and point the wand, three glowing orbs shoot out from the tip and hit the wall.
Aliarra: Well, that can't be Magic Missile, it can only hit living creatures and targets -- Wait, I don't have Spellcraft. "Duuuuuuh".

Drusila listens at, then opens the door in back, revealing a corridor beyond.

Aliarra: Looks like we need to send a scout ahead. (looking meaningfully at Hanzo)
Hanzo: I'll be back.
Aliarra: Why is he going the other way? "Gotta take a whiz."
Hanzo: Yeah, scouting is...
Aliarra: Hard on the old bladder.
Hanzo: "Scouting is easier with an empty bladder."
DM: Okay, spot checks for everyone.
Aliarra: A natural 20!
Drusila: A natural 2!
Aliarra: Wow, Drusila, there was only a one in twenty chance of THAT.

The DM describes the corridor as opening up into a wider chamber. Having not seen anything immediately fatal, the players advance.The mage, Carrick -- the betrayer, who had stolen the heart and collapsed the previous tomb -- lies semi-conscious on the floor, with a floating, ethereal figure above him. The figure has skeletal arms and a mocking voice.

DM: Carrick speaks. "Make me useless to him -- quickly!"
Aliarra: I thrust my glaive at the figure... even though it's a slashing weapon... Initiative?
DM: No, don't worry about it.
Aliarra: Well, I still have to see what maneuver I used.
DM: You thrust your glaive through him --
Aliarra: Using FOEHAMMER!
DM: Uh, okay. Anyway, it just passes through him.
Aliarra: Yeah, didn't see that coming.
Mrrshala: I kick Carrick.
DM: As you kick him, he slumps, unconscious.
Hanzo: You kicked him?!
Mrrshala: Yup!
Hanzo: You just walked over and, "How does it FEEL, Megatron!? Eyah!"
DM: The figure speaks. "No matter. Your coming here was preordained. The artifact will be mine."
Aliarra: I'm going to do something I know won't work. I Intimidate him.
DM: Don't even bother rolling.
Aliarra: Yay Intimidate, you're useless!
Hanzo: "Don't do that, this entire place is surrounded... by Ghostbusters. They'll do anything, including crossing the streams, to stop you."
DM: The walls burst outwards, and six well-armed and armored skeletons step out. "Kill them, then prepare the artifact for transport. OBEY!"

The players immediately burst into squabbling over miniatures. Seeing this, the DM grabs the potato skins, expecting to have plenty of time to prepare them...

DM: "Not intended for microwave preparation." Well, this ought to be interesting.
Aliarra: It's going to burst into flames.
Hanzo: It's going to start just drawing in streams of energy, then focus them into a ray...
Aliarra: We've weaponized the microwave!

Combat erupts (within the game, not against the microwave). Mrrshala wins initiative and moves forward to engage the right-side group.

Aliarra: No! Don't move out of my threatened area! --fine, I'll go attack the other group.
Aiden: Perfect, you take that group and the rest of us will take this group and we'll see who finishes first!

Aliarra attacks the skeleton, though possessing no blunt weapons impacts her damage ability. Aiden decides to turn the undead with his Sun domain power to automatically destroy them, taking several minutes to do so because no one remembers the relevant rules.

Aiden: "Flee, undead, for you are not welcome here!"
Aliarra: But if you turn them they're automatically destroyed.
Drusila: He's giving them false hope.
Mrrshala: Playing with their emotions.
DM: (toppling two minis) "Aww, we couldn't obey."
Aliarra: FOEHAMMER!

Aliarra's Foehammer attack ignores DR, and Aiden produces a Searing Light for 19. Drusila attempts to trip one with her whip and fails, dropping the whip to avoid a retaliatory trip. The skeletons advance as the DM rolls their attacks.

DM: This one attacks and... His hands drop off. Natural one.
Aliarra: I don't get an attack of opportunity on him, I have a range of ten feet.
Aiden: I use my Searing Light of opportunity!
Aliarra: He's out of your threatened area too!
Aiden: My Searing Light of opportunity has a range of 90'.
Aliarra: And only 90'.
Drusila: I pick up my whip.
DM: Yeah, you get no attack of opportunity, this one's arms are off.
Drusila: I trip him!
DM: (after comparing trip rolls) And down he goes. Damn 2.
Drusila: D20, the great equalizer.

The PCs beat the crap out of the final skeletons.

Hanzo: It starts to throw up its hands and realizes it doesn't have any.
Aliarra: "I surrender -- oh no I'm nubby!"
Hanzo: (attacks another one)
DM: Its head rolls off.
Aliarra: it doesn't bother it, it's undead.
DM: ...and then it explodes, kabwaash!
Drusila: Drusila lines up the heads.
DM: Except for the one who exploded for no reason.
Aliarra: No, she still can, its head rolled off first!
Drusila: Drusila makes a choir out of them.

With the skeletons slain, the PCs turn their attention to the artifact -- a pair of leather gloves suspended in midair as if by magic.

Aiden: Hey, hey, you, rogue.
Aliarra: I don't like your girlfriend!
DM: This isn't WoW, you don't call people by their class.

Drusila takes the thick-yet-supple leather gloves, then tries them on. The DM describes the gloves rolling up her arms to her shoulders, then merging with her skin. Aiden casts Detect Magic to determine what school of magic the gloves are enchanted with, and discovers it's all of them.

Aliarra: "If you have any other spells of divination, or -- or --"
Hanzo: "Detectification."
Aliarra: "...that's not a real word, but we'll go with that."
Hanzo: "It's a ninja word, you can't use ninja words."
Aliarra: (very deliberately) "Detectification."
DM: Ka-bwooooow! (making an exploding gesture at Aliarra)
Drusila: Let's see what these gloves do!

Aliarra slaps Drusila, successfully, then tells her to take off the gloves to see if it's easier. Aliarra again attempts to slap Drusila, but rolls a miss on the dice.

Aliarra: "You flinched!"
Mrrshala: I slap him... for 18.
Aliarra: Did -- did you just slap him for 18 points of subdual damage?!
Mrrshala: Yes!
Aliarra: HOW?
Mrrshala: I crit!
Drusila: Someone else put these on.

Aiden tries on the gloves, then discovers they give him unlimited 0th level divine spells and access to 0th level arcane spells. He immediately starts looking at his spell list, while Drusila tries on a magic ring found on the skeletons.

DM: You are no longer hungry.
Drusila: I was hungry?!

Aiden begins to go quietly crazy as the gloves infiltrate his mind, openly muttering about how he must have the heart, he needs the heart, he has to have the heart -- Aliarra leans across the table and rips the gloves off him.

Aiden: Damn, I could've had unlimited spells and just gone a little bit insane every once in a while. Dammit! Where are your legs so I can kick them?!
Aliarra: Ow!

The PCs take a moment to ponder the implications of the gloves.

Aliarra: "I thought all the artifacts were body parts of the dead god, though. Weird that he would have gloves, though... unless they were skinned off him --"
Aliarra and Drusila: EWWWWWWWW! (Drusila starts wiping off her arms frantically)

The PCs leave the cave and clamber back up the rope -- or the cliff face, since everyone but Aliarra has Climb -- only to discover their minotaur guide under assault by forty-odd spiny quill-demons such as they'd fought in their first adventure. The party boldly stands forth to fight the demons, although Hanzo elects for a strategic position.

Hanzo: I'm staying behind the minotaur. He's Large, right? I can fire between his legs!
Aliarra: Don't roll a one! Or else he won't be large any more...
Hanzo: 20! Look at this shit! Take this thing away from me before I get spoiled!

Carrick awakens and slays most of the little ones with fireballs, while Aliarra slaughters many more with attacks of opportunity as they run through her threatened squares. The DM rolls treasure for the monsters.

DM: ...another disguise kit, apparently they had something planned.
Aliarra: (responding to a side comment) Drusila has no skills with the arcane arts.
Drusila: No useful skills whatsoever.

A massive group of monsters begins surging towards the party, having smelled the fresh meat on the wind. Carrick begins desperately chanting a spell.

Aiden: What exactly do magic words sound like?
DM: Probably something awful.
Aliarra: That's the somatic component. "I like it up my ass!" That's just the spell, I don't really. "Please give it to me up the ass!" It's just the somatic components, please don't.
DM: The world goes dark around you -- and then you reappear, on top of a table. Around you, several old men gasp in horror. One's clutching his chest.
Aiden: Okay. If we're on a table... we're dancers. They want us.
Aliarra: They're old men!
Aiden: Doesn't matter.
Aliarra: Stop making old people gay!
DM: One of the old guys bellows, "GUARDS!"
Aliarra: "Yes we are, where's the disturbance?" Oh, I don't have enough Bluff to pull that off.
Aiden and Drusila: I do!

Do they? We'll find out... next time!