This one is from months ago; I'm trying to catch up, I swear.



The dwarven underground transport arrives at the magnificent dwarven capitol, an underground city thriving with life, adventure, and opportunity.

Drusila: Are there dwarves there?

Facepalming ensues, as the party quickly disperses amongst the kingdom in anticipation of an audience with the king the next day. Most of the party crashes a tavern, where they proceed to drink, tell embellished stories of their combat prowess to the dwarves, and gamble. Hanzo sneaks off to procure some poison. And Drusila... notices something suspicious: dwarves carrying a statue of evil towards the palace!

Drusila: I'm going to follow them.
DM: Well.. you can try, but you're going to stand out.
Drusila: Oh wait! I have clothing of disguise! I take the appearance of a nun.
Aliarra: No matter what you turn into, you're still a catwoman running through a kingdom of dwarves.

For no understandable reason, Drusila's attempts at stealth fail. After a brief conversation with the dwarf in charge of moving the statue, she is forced to abandon the chase, and we join our heroes the next day as they speak with the King of Dwarves. They discover that the heart is but one piece of seven, the parts of an ancient evil god which have been scattered across the world. To find the next piece, they must consult with the brave and honorable minotaur people. To the surface they go, the players making "moo!" noises all the while.

DM: The forest is quiet... except for cows, apparently.

The PCs get into a fight with a worm of some sort, only to discover it was a trap designed to catch food for the minotaurs. Several of the bull-men -- in full fighting condition and described by the DM in terms that leave no doubt in the players' minds of who would win an ensuring combat -- arrive and begin interrogating the PCs.

Aiden: No one speaks Tauren!
DM: Fortunately, one of them speaks Common. "What are you doing in our lands?"
Drusila: "We're gonna see the fjords!"

The PCs are escorted to the minotaur's town. There, to her amazement, Aliarra discovers the minotaurs worship a different face of her god. Hanzo, on the other hand, occupies himself learning the language.

Hanzo: "Moo moo, moo, moo moo--"
Aliarra: It's not that easy!
Drusila: There are 27 different intonations of moo!

Aliarra discovers she must prove her worth in battle against the minotaur champion. A ceremonial match ensues, during which it's discovered that neither crusader nor minotaur can miss the other, and both of them deal a decent amount of damage, so the battle comes entirely down to who has the most health. (It was the minotaur.) Aliarra bemoans her loss and failure, but naturally the minotaurs have deemed her worthy anyway, and they dispatch a guide to help the PCs find the next piece of the dead god. For some reason, Hanzo considers poisoning the well.

Hanzo: Mooey moo want a drink of water? Fort save, asshole!

The players descend a cliff to the forgotten cave said to contain the artifact they seek, fight a statue of some sort, then send Drusila ahead to do rogue-things at the door ahead of them. As the session closes, Aliarra at last asks what everyone had been wondering.

Aliarra: How does a baker learn to pick locks?
Drusila: I locked myself out of the bakery a lot.