Aibghalien: I cast Melf's Slick Woolen Condom.

On that note, the game begins with the PCs preparing to perform their usual plan: Locate a base they intend to destroy, send Devlyn in to scout, then arrive and blow the place up. In traditional style, Devlyn arrives outside the base (teleporting directly is blocked) with his new magic item -- the Horn of Valhalla. (Summons 2d4 4th level barbarians).

Devlyn: "Buh-buuuuuh!" (This swiftly becomes the generic Horn of Valhalla noise) "AAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
Aibghalien: Wouldn't it be great if you blew it and it summoned Wes?
DM: He's like, five feet in front of you when you blow it, then appears behind you for no real reason...
Aibghalien: "When I signed up for this, you promised me I wouldn't work with anyone I knew."
Devlyn: Okay, I need a distraction at the gate.
Aibghalien: Throw the priest!
Wes: "Anyone need healing, anyone need healing?"
Devlyn: I blow the horn. "Charge the gate!"

Five barbarians appear and charge the gate as ordered. Devlyn notes the response time is impressive as he attempts to climb over the fence. Briefly stymied by razor wire atop the fence, he then activates his flying boots, passes over easily, and heads for the base proper. Cameras and guards foil his efforts at infiltrating a warehouse, but he swiftly discovers a soldier leaning against a wall, smoking a cigarette.

Devlyn: "Good god, his pipe is getting smaller! What kind of world IS this?! YOU MONSTER!"

Clunking the soldier into unconsciousness, Devlyn promptly rolls a 1 on his untrained disguise check -- and attempts to smoke the cigarette.

Aibghalien: And now he's addicted.
DM: Yeah, roll a Fortitude saving throw....
Devlyn: First use of my new Frostbrand weapon: putting out the cigarette.
DM: Anyway, you drag the corpse back into the shadows--
Devlyn: Corpse?!
DM: I meant the body, the guy you knocked out--
Wes: I heard corpse!
Aibghalien: That was how bad the disguise check was. "Just... gotta get this -- helmet -- off--" POP! "Uh-oh."

No sooner has Devlyn disguised himself than the soldier's remote goes off, calling him back to base. Upon entering the base, he is immediately apprehended!

DM: "You think you can infiltrate our bases twice without us learning a few things about it?"
Devlyn: "Actually, this is the third one."
DM: "Right, you infiltrated two successfully."
Devlyn: "I infiltrated this one successfully too! You just caught me."
Aibghalien: Meanwhile, back at the castle: "Maaaan, I bet Devlyn will be back any minute now with some awesome intelligence! Yep, aaaaany minute now."

Devlyn is hauled off to prison, waking from being clubbed unconscious to discover a familiar cellmate awaiting him!

DM: "Ha. I wondered when I'd see you again."
Devlyn: "Hey, you're the guy whose life I ruined!
DM: "Ha ha. That's okay, you did me a favor. I'm done with these people. I hope you have some friends out there who'll take me in, once we escape." (The inmate promptly helps Devlyn do just that.) "We have fifteen minutes to get out."
Devlyn: "Why?"
DM: "The girl is here."
Devlyn: "Girl -- oh yeah, cooooold fish. Why's she so mad?"
DM: "Maybe it's because I was her first lover, maybe she's just uptight... but she's the commander's daughter. A daddy's girl. Used to getting her way. And she knows you're here."
Devlyn: (Quickly) "Well let's get going!"
Aibghalien: Meanwhile, back at the castle: "Yeeep, Devlyn's gonna have nooo trouble escaping. Noooooo trouble whatsoever."
DM: As you walk, Carl explains to you that there are very few cameras on these levels. "The torture they conduct down here could be viewed as unethical, so they make sure no one can see it."
Aibghalien: Look out, we've stumbled into a Bush presidency analogy!
DM: The first flight of stairs you come to only goes up one floor, then stops. You'll have to go through the level to keep going up. Inconvenient? Probably! ....Plot device? ....maybe!
Aibghalien: Your fellow captive is the fire marshal! He protested this base design and was tortured for it!

Devlyn and NPC-Carl flee the base and steal an experimental tank. Devlyn merrily blasts away with the turret as they escape into the forest...

Devlyn: "DON'T HIT THE TREES!"
DM: "Don't you have that sort of thing where you turn into mist?"
Devlyn: "What?!"
DM: "That thing where you want to be somewhere else, then you turn into mist, then you're not there any more?"
Wes: Heh, this name-confusion thing is funny when it's used on us.

Devlyn and Carl drive the tank hundreds of miles into the sea, where Devlyn manages to transport it to Wes's kingdom.

DM: "Lord Wes, there's a metal monster emerging from the sea!"
Wes: "Rain fire and death upon it!"
Devlyn: "You'll see, they'll be friendly!"

Saikon manages to stop the farce before it ends in devastation all around, and Devlyn brings Carl up to meet the regents.

Aibghalien: "Wes, you're a skilled judge of men's character--"
DM: You make it sounds like he's gay!
Aibghalien: (without missing a beat) "Wes, you take it up the ass on a regular basis, I'll trust you to appraise him."

Rhuann pummels Aibghalien. Wes and Karl, who are about the same size and burly build, begin a handshake which turns into several minutes of one-upsmanship arm-wrestling before the group at lasts proceeds off to assault the fortress. The DM calls for initiative; Aibghalien and Rhuann both roll 23.

Aibghalien: All right, now we can perform Fusion!
Rhuann: Fuuuuu-siooooooon...
DM: Wait, both of you roll a d20, you have to roll within 5 of each other.
Rhuann: Uh, what'd you get?
Aibghalien: 10.
Rhuann: Woo, I got a 5!
Aibghalien: BEARBGHALIEN IS GO! Leaping into combat with the fury of the bear, while spewing arcane energy from every orifice!
Devlyn: It farts lightning, burps fire!
Rhuann: And poops Thunderstones!

In reality, the PCs deployed a more elegant plan: flying high above the base, Aibghalien created a Major Image of Rhuann and Wes attacking the front gates, while the actual party strikes from the rear. The soldiers up front are fooled by the DC 25 Will save; in the back, the tank, barbarian, and bear all crash through the fence to begin smashing the hell out of things. Rhuann rips a building apart; Wes engages the rocket-launcher-wielding troops in the back and Great Cleaves 4 of the 5 to death in one attack. The DM openly whimpers. Rhuann grapples a tank.

DM: The commander looks down from the top of the building in anger, then calls out, "You fools! It's a trick! They're in the back!" Meanwhile, the commander's daughter (wearing a jetpack-suit) rockets towards you at top speed!
Devlyn: "Uh-oh!" (then remembers he's in the tank) Good thing she can't see I'm here.
DM: "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"
Devlyn: "COOOOOOOOOOOLD FIIIIIIIIIIISH!"

In a rage, the commander's daughter charges the tank -- but makes the mistake of flying past Wes, who deals 200 points of damage to her in the space of a few sword-strokes, incapacitating her almost instantly. The commander is slaughtered quickly as well. Wes throws the woman over his shoulder to rescue her from the impending base-detonation.

Aibghalien: You're saving her?!
Wes: I wasn't her fight! She might be able to be redeemed!
Aibghalien: You're saving this chick while I'm over here about to slaughter hundreds of mooks?!
Wes: What do I care about mooks?
Aibghalien: You're a fucking hypocrite!
Wes: I'm a BARBARIAN!

While Aibghalien is annoyed by a nemesis in a helicopter, the others escape the exploding base. Wes does, indeed, rescue the woman, carrying her back to the castle to tend to her injuries.

Wes: All right, I'll take off her armor.
Aibghalien: Followed by the rest of her clothing!
Wes: What? I'm not going to take that off!
Aibghalien: Yeah, you already shredded it.
Devlyn: Should we give you some time alone?
Wes: I'm not gonna rape her!
DM: They didn't say you were!
Wes: They're implying it!
Aibghalien: You used the word!
Devlyn: You've got it on the mind!
Wes: I -- fine, I rape her six times in front of all of them. (A long pause.) That take care of it? Anyone else need to see?
Aibghalien: I issue a decree throughout my land. "Come one, come all..."

The PCs have a (non-raped, seriously) captive who hates Devlyn! Aibghalien has a villain in his head! Devlyn has a tank! What will happen.... NEXT TIME?!