A long long time ago...



It's a shorter one today, I believe, as the campaign started a little late...

We join our heroes frantically spending money to purchase magic items, after their last mission's haul brought them a crapload of money. The DM, meanwhile, is starting in horror at the Titanic template in the Monster Manual II.

DM: What kind of word is this!? "Gargantium"?!
Rhuann: ...Gargantuan?
DM: (A pause.) Yes.

The PCs take a moment to discuss their previous adventures...

Wes: Why ya gotta make us fight Metal Gear shit?

..then, having determined that the northern port from which the enemy intends to launch an assault eastwards is the wisest target, they elect to send in a scouting force in the hopes of personally disabling it. After brief discussion, Devlyn is volunteered, as his sea-based teleportation can have him emerge on the beach, probably the safest place. Saikon goes with him.

DM: At first you can't see anything...
Devlyn: "I can't see anything!?" (looking around blindly) "Aww crap!"

The two have emerged on a beachfront, staring up a cliff well-swept by searchlights at the main facility of the base, apparently constructed directly in the cliff itself. Clearly their goal lies higher up.

Saikon: I can cast Air Walk. That'll let us walk up the cliff.
DM: You think that walking up the cliff will be kind of difficult. You'll have to dodge the lights or hide from them...
Saikon: Hmm. (A moment of thought.) Saikon has determined he's not cut out for this, so he's gonna cast a couple spells on the ranger, then call it a day.

"A couple of spells" works out to about 15. Buffed to high-heaven, Devlyn easily scales the cliff without being detected. Sneaking about the buildings up above, he stumbles into an equipment bunker--

Aibghalien: We sent you with the bags of holding! I'm making that clear right now!
DM: This is in a language you understand. It reads, "Compound explosives."
Devlyn: Oh, are there any of those chips I saw them putting into this stuff?
DM: There's another box nearby, again with language you can read. It says, "triggering devices."
Devlyn: Mm, do I need another Intelligence check to put two and two together?
Aibghalien: No, you need to roll Knolwedge(math).

Devlyn plunders the storage, filling the bags of holding, then sneaks out and into another facility --

DM: This building has two entrances. There's a large one on the left, and a smaller one on the right. The two sections are divided by a partition. Above the left side there's some strange mechanical devices --
Aibghalien: He's stumbled into a Wintergrasp workshop!

Around the corner, Devlyn intercepts a lone soldier sleeping behind a building.

Devlyn: Should I just knock him out, or kill him?
Aibghalien: If he's unconscious, he'll think he was asleep... pour some alcohol on him!
Devlyn: Okay, I take out a wine-skin -- I'm *sure* I have one...

Devlyn changes into the man's uniform, stealing his keycards, and after bluffing his way through an encounter with the man's friend, heads for the main gate of the facility.

DM: There are two guards there. You see your friend walk by them, and as he does... make a Spot check. (Devlyn does, and succeeds!) He held up one of the cards for the guards to see.
Devlyn: Can I tell which one it was?
DM: Flipping through the cards you have, you find one that has some writing, a symbol, and a photograph of the guy you took it from.
Devlyn: Uh-oh.
DM: But the other guy had his helmet on, and they didn't stop him.
Devlyn: (Aburptly bursting into song)"I'm walking slowly... I'm taking my time to get to the door!" ....I have no idea where that came from.

Devlyn passes past the guards -- when suddenly!

DM: Someone is yelling something in your direction.
Devlyn: I glance back. (And lifts an eyebrow curiously)
DM: One of the guards says, "Hey, buddy, how's your kids?"
Devlyn: "Doin' fine!"
Mal: (Drops his head into his hands with a groan)
DM: Um... roll a bluff check. (Devlyn does so.) You get the feeling that this guy doesn't have any kids.
Mal: "Whatchu talkin' bout? I ain't got no kids."
Aibghalien: You should've said, "Unknown to me!"

Entering into the facility, Devlyn first discovers and is horrified by an elevator, which he enters in to and spend several minutes attempting to figure out the button, only to discover that the strange box is attempting to trap him!

DM: The doors begin to close.
Devlyn: Aaah! (mimes hurling himself out the doors in a dive)
DM: Roll a tumble check.
Devlyn: Ha ha... I failed.
DM: You noticed the doors were starting to close, and threw yourself at them, but too late. You bounce off of them.
Devlyn: I push the circle that was lit up before!
DM: It lights up, then goes dark, and the doors open again.
Devlyn: Aaah! (mimes hurling himself out the doors in a dive)

The first floor, to his dismay, had nothing of value...

Devlyn: All right... crap, I gotta go back to the magic box.

The DM again describes the elevator, indicating that there are many more buttons than there are floors.

DM: There are a lot of buttons you can't figure out the purpose of... one big one surrounded by a red circle...
Aibghalien: Don't press it!
Devlyn: (mimes pressing the button with a manic gleam in his eye)
Aibghalien: "Intruder alert. Intruder alert."
Devlyn: That was an intruder button?! Why would the person in the elevator push that button?!
Aibghalien: (Pointing at Devlyn) I think we have our answer!
DM: "I told you that would work!"

Devlyn inadvertently stumbles into a high-security area, before voluntarily emerging into a floor filled with guards and technicians.

Aibghalien: You know, I -- I just have to say, here, that you've done a really good job of setting up how very, very bad this will be when things go wrong. I mean, it's actually painful over here for me to listen to this. So, good adventure composition!

Devlyn miraculously is NOT found out -- instead, he discovers that the port is apparently a decoy, and the fleet will be sailing west to attack the PC's lands rather than east to take over unconquered territory. Devlyn decides this is the time to retreat, and heads back to the elevator.

DM: On the way down, one of the ladies seems to have taken interest in you.
Devlyn: (Impassive)
DM: "So, one date together and you have nothing to say to me?"

The players react with undisguised glee at the sudden opportunity presented to them. What their sheer delight in ruining the life of a fictional person in an incredibly minor role in the story says about them, I don't care to speculate.

Devlyn: "It wasn't that great."
DM: "But -- but I thought we had something special!"
Devlyn: "Yeah, you thought wrong."
DM: "Oh -- how dare you! I should have my father have you kicked out and --"
Aibghalien: Hey, do this. (Using one fist to make the universal "wanking" gesture")
Devlyn: (Obligingly makes said wanking gesture)
DM: She gasps in horror, then begins punching a button till the doors open. She walks off in a fury.
Devlyn: (to another passenger) "Cooooold fish." Man, maybe I should just kill this guy, and spare him the misery...

Devlyn escapes the base and returns to the PC's castle, whereupon he relates the tale of all he had seen and discovered. Aibghalien takes up the sealed HUD-enabled helm Devlyn had been unable to make use of, puts it on, and promptly decodes its working. Discovering it's able to analyze items and people, he decides to experiment further.

Aibghalien: "Wes, come here!"
Wes: "Who are you?" (The helmet conceals Aibghalien's head entirely. Wes draws his sword.) "I'll strike you down, dog!"
Rhuann: I write "schmott guy" on the helm.
Wes: (Lowering his sword) "Oh, it's you. You look different."
DM: The helmet actually classifies him as a "high threat". In addition, beneath that there's a number: 225 EV.
Wes: My power level is only 225?
Aibghalien: "Draw your other one."
Wes: (mimes drawing his other sword) "What is it n-"
Aibghalien: IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!

Despite the news, the players still believe that destroying the port is the best option. After pondering, they decide to use the most durable warriors as a distraction while Devlyn and Aibghalien sneak in to disable the power source (A NUCLEAR REACTOR!) and then destroy the building.

Wes: "I heard the D-word!"
Aibghalien: "Yes, with Saikon and me casting buffs on you and Rhuann, you'll be an invincible juggernaut of destruction--"
Wes: "Well why didn't you say so?!"
Aibghalien: "Is this how I get you to agree to all of my plans? 'Invincible juggernaut of destruction'?"
Wes: "Hell. Yes."

Meanwhile, the DM in jest begins listing things that the base is being reinforced with:

DM: Robots...
Rhuann: In disguise!
Aibghalien: "Oh, I'll just hide in this convenient truck!" (Approximating the old-school transformation noise) Crush, crush, squelch, splurk -- "Prime, yer leakin' red lubricant!"

Wasting no time, the PCs teleport back to the base. Several buff spells later, a Large barbarian and a Huge brown bear, both loaded down with strength and con buffs, plusses to various things, and almost 140 extra HP each, smash into the base and begin mowing down troops with ludicrous power. The lower level troops with normal firearms are ruled effective noncombatants, while the bear and barbarian easily dispatch a tank and start working on a combatant with self-enlarging jetpack-enabled laser-sword-powering anti-trip armor. Rhuann promptly grapples him.

Rhuann: "Who wants a hug??"

Devlyn and Aibghalien swiftly infiltrate the base with the help of the priestess, schmoozing past the guards and charming one to gain access to the power source. Their mission succeeds, but Aibghalien promptly rolls an 8 on his Bluff check to get them out, prompting a group of guards to fire on them. The priestess fireballs them and Devlyn slays their leader handily.

Aibghalien: (heartbroken) But *I* wanted to fireball them.
Devlyn: You still can!
Aibghalien: You moved up! Argh... which one's their leader?
DM: Devlyn killed him. There's only two left.
Aibghalien: Only t--! I'm not going to waste a fireball on them! I feel bad using any spell at all! (Checking his item list, then sighing.) *Fine*. Magic Missile. Oh -- wait -- maximized Magic Missile.

Fleeing the building, the group emerges to see the massive barbarian and bear wreaking havoc still on the now-defenseless base.

Aibghalien: "Hey, Devlyn, check it out... you're looking at Rhuann's 'bear' body."
Everyone: (groaning)
Rhuann: (Punches Aibghalien. Hard.)

...and the PCs flee to congratulate themselves and score treasure and experience--

Aibghalien: So... every single item I purchased, 80,000 gold worth of stuff, was absolutely worthless this game. Good work!