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Dragon of Life ([personal profile] dragonoflife) wrote on November 24th, 2016 at 09:32 pm

The game begins with shouts of beefcake.

Aliarra: (setting down an Egyptian-themed knickknack) I’m going to use this mini today because Aliarra’s voice is giving out. She’s a little Horus.
DM: But that’s not even a Horus—
Aliarra: I DON’T CARE!

As usual, game summations are compared to Dragon Ball Z. Cissy charges an energy ball in the background for five minutes. Last time, the PCs cleaned out the longhouse and met the guy, who led them to his own strange town populated by… werewolves!

DM: He beckons you all. “Come, come! To the longhouse. There are refreshments for you there.” And he leads the way. I think I said before, the throng of wolves seem to break off, only a handful continue to follow. As you continue on, you notice in the distance but a shadow in the fog, a large longhouse looms into vision.
Hanzo: Dovaahkin, Doovaahkin, hmm hm hm hm hmm hm.
DM: Yes, very much. And as you arrive on the steps, Roketh, light in his step, bounds up the stairs two or three at a time, humming a little tune.
Cissy: How tall are these steps?
DM: Human size.
Aliarra: No light bounding here, not while I’m wearing adamant full plate.
Hanzo: I waste a charge and teleport to the top of the stairs.
DM: With two hands, he open ups the great doors. With a light creak they open and warm air flows out. As he opens up the doors, he looks back and says, “Come. Let’s get out of this damp, shall we?” And he steps in. A faint glow emanates from the entrance.
Aliarra: “We have many questions, I hope you’ll find time to answer them.”
DM: “Plenty of time.”
Cissy: Oh! (holding up a book titled ‘Accidental Goddess’) I didn’t see the A-C-C-I so I just saw ‘Dental Goddess’, and I was like, ‘what kind of book is this?’
DM: “Plenty of time, plenty of time.”
Aliarra: “I’m not certain we have plenty of time either.”
DM: “We have been fighting the enemy for a very long time. There is always time.” As you all enter, you are greeted to great vaulted ceilings, and they stretch out far along the way. Iron chandeliers hanging, although a couple candles in each one seem to be lit, it’s pretty dark in here. At the ground level just before you you see tables and benches stretched out in front of you. Enough of them to host almost a grand army. And just beyond that you see a giant kettle, kinda comes up to chest height.
Aliarra: A kettle or a kennel?
DM: A kettle, sorry.
Aliarra: With wolves around it could have been the other, too. Did any wolves follow us in?
DM: Yes, a couple seem to be kind of going over there, kinda shuffling on ahead. And in fact, just beyond that kettle you notice a large firepit. Several black forms seem to be laying down in front of it.
Aliarra: Are they wolves?
DM: Yes.
Aliarra: You’re not being distinct, I have to ask! ‘Are they wolves?’ ‘No they’re more of those things you fought in the longhouse. Inititive.’
Cissy: Cissy wants to go pet the puppies.
Aliarra: I don’t stop Cissy.
Aiden: I prepare the spell…

Roketh dips a bowl into the kettle and invites them all to do the same. It’s mead, despite the description. Aliarra takes some and grabs a seat, then promptly discovers this isn’t where she was supposed to be sitting and is irritated. They all slowly end up at the large great table at the front, except for Cissy who insists on petting wolves.

Aliarra: I’ll await his speech, his exposition.
Hanzo: ‘My dear Bagginses and Boffins…’
DM: He takes a sip from his bowl, looks you all over. His gaze does tends to hang a little bit on Mrrshala, also on Ignir.
Hanzo: And also Drusila!
DM: “Tell me what brings you all to my realm.”
Aliarra: “A hunt.”
DM: “And the prey?”
Aliarra: “The great evil that lies further on.”
DM: “Ah, excellent. We know that prey quite well. What to you hope to achieve? There’s not much more there than death.”
Aliarra: “Better theirs than ours. There’s been a great imbalance for a very long time. It’s time to put it right. Before someone else puts it right in their favor.”
DM: “What is this imbalance?”
Aliarra: “Kalroth.”
DM: “Hmmm. I remember that name, though we called it something different back in the day.”
Aliarra: No, Kalroth has ONE NAME AND ONE NAME ONLY!
DM: “We called him Kindlewar, the Ever-Smiling, up here.”
Aliarra: “He ain’t smiling now.”
DM: “And why is that?”
Aliarra: “Let’s just say that when things stopped going his way back in the day, he went all to pieces.”
DM: “Is that a pun?”
Aliarra: “I-I’m obscurely hinting at the real situation here, attempting to draw out how much you know, before we admit to anything too damning! Okay? I’m copping to it!”
DM: (laughing) This is all in character?
Aliarra: YES.
DM: “I see that neither of us plays silly very well.”
Aliarra: FYI that’s a… 36 on Diplomacy.
Aiden: Minus for 10 for your attempt at yelling it out.

Somehow the conversation wanders back to the dental goddess, though Roketh explains that after the great war the minotaurs split into two factions (and he’s okay with Ignir). Political jokes are made that… uh, actually, aren’t very funny in hindsight. Roketh queries them on what parts the enemy has as well as their own.

Aiden: “Our journey has been long and hard. I long for it to be over.”
DM: “It seems like you might be on to something there. This seems to be the last leg, according to our oracles in the past.”
Aiden: Oh. I thought he poisoned us. We’re all sipping, and he’s like, “Yeah this is your last leg!” And they suck, and that’s the story.
DM: Yeah, as you guys roll a 20 on your 20s.
Aiden: The DM’s like, ‘natural 20, that’s great, you saved! You take half of 422 damage.’
Hanzo: Round down or up?
Aliarra: (after a pause to work this out, infuriated) Why would you round?! It’s an even number!
DM: “Ages, AGES ago, the oracles said that the parts would be reclaimed by the heroes, and we would fight out last fight.”
Aliarra: “We don’t intend that to be any sort of ‘you die horribly’ thing.”
DM: “A fight to end our lives. As was deemed necessary. We have been alive for a very long time. I think longer than we are supposed to be.”
Hanzo: Is Roketh a vampire?
Aiden: “Must be boring.”
Hanzo: ‘I have been visited by a vampire. His name…’
DM: Mer’dovich.
Aliarra: But yet the dwarves didn’t come this way. They didn’t dare to tread where an elf went…

Roketh speculates as to whether their existence is a blessing or a curse, but either way they are here to defend the north lest it be overrun with undead. A young lady in a simple dress brings them meat, cheese, and bread.

Hanzo: But the meat was POISONED!

Roketh tells a story about slaughtering the undead over the years, and the PCs vow that yes, this WILL be their last fight.

Aiden: “Fear not. The Sun of Denerim has come to SLEW undead!”
Aliarra: Question! Is that ‘son’ as in ‘you are the prodigal son’, or ‘sun’ as in the light?
Aiden: I think the light…
Aliarra: I mean it worked either way.
Aiden: That’s what I was hoping for, I was hoping no one would go too deeply into the meaning of it, but you’ve ruined it.
Aliarra: Well forgive my curiosity in religious debate.
Hanzo: Just praise the sun.
Aiden: I assume that’s how we pray, just laying down in it.
DM: Staring directly at it.
Aliarra: You go ahead and pray, meanwhile Mrrshala and I will be over here doing what Skeldric does best. Winning.

Aiden assumes questionable things about Banglasharans (and honorary Banglasharans) that call his redemption into question. Aliarra tries to drag the campaign back to the fore.

Aliarra: “Thank you, Roketh, for your hospitality.”
Hanzo: And your bestiality.

Roketh reveals that another group had arrived in this place long ago, and the group tries to restrain Cissy before she gets eaten by a werewolf. Roketh is an inch from murdering Cissy, it sounds, and the group tries to get out of the way.

Cissy: I should use my +19 to Intimidate to make him sit back down.
Aliarra: Good luck, I’ve been packing that much Intimidate this entire time and it’s done SHIT.
DM: Look, I roll well with Intimidate, I don’t know why.
Aliarra: I couldn’t intimidate a low-level bandit—
DM: He rolled a 20, leave me alone!
Aliarra: Armed and armored to the gills, I have a couple of toothless thugs show up, and I can’t even get them to back down. That’s how useless Intimidate is!
Aiden: I like the idea of you trying to Intimidate me, and I’m like, ‘wo ho, I’ve met a lot of angrier fathers than you.’

Cissy continues to try to suicide herself. The group continues to try to clear the chamber as Roketh transforms to a Huge werewolf.

Cissy: “He’s so FLUFFY! You’re so fluffy! Can I pet you?”
Hanzo: I went where Aliarra went…
Aiden: I went to go find a place to pray and then sleep. Ninja vanish!
DM: Ninja sleep.
Aiden: Where’s your friend, Sub-Zero? He had to leave.
Hanzo: But he’ll be back.
Aliarra: ‘I hate sharing the campsite with Hanzo.’ (miming Hanzo with eyes shut and fingers in a mudra) ‘SLEEP NO JUTSU! SLEEP NO JUTSU! SLEEP NO JUTSU!’
Hanzo: It’s just ellipses all night.

Roketh shifts back down. Aiden ends up sitting in a corner imagining he can see the sun to pray.

Aiden: This story is going to end with me finally getting my own parish in church, and then like, ‘You’ve done such a great job. To truly cement your new purpose, you’ll be setting up a church in –‘ the head cat-village. (horrified look) AAAAAAH!
Aliarra: I’m sorry, Aiden. Redemption is a lifelong process. So we rest for the night. Please tell me a wolf whizzes on Cissy.
DM: Roketh rises from his chair. “You might want to dust off the bed linens.”
Hanzo: Bedbugs. That’s how we’ll defeat the minotaurs. They’ll be infested with our bedbugs.
DM: “It seems most people around here like to sleep curled up on the floor.”
Mrrshala: Hey, if they wouldn’t me laying with them, hey, you know, I got fur.
Aliarra: Cats and dogs.
Mrrshala: Living together.
Hanzo: Mass hysteria.
Aliarra: Let’s just get this rest over with. I’m actually uncomfortable being here. All this primal ferocity… you know, I can get behind that, but I don’t want to be too close to it when it all goes off, and I’m kind of worried about certain people setting them off.
Aiden: I should’ve taken the time to spread the word of Denerim every now and then. You guys come out of the inn, I’m just there. “Heard the word of Denerim? Let me tell you more about the word of Denerim. As a worshipper of Denerim the sun feels warmer on your skin all the time.”

Jokes about pamphlets turn into tapestry jokes, which turn into jokes about worthless 5E gold. The basement is in decent shape despite being dusty. A side comment from Aliarra leads into a lengthy lookup of how long it takes to remove full plate.

Aliarra: “I think we can safely avoid taking a watch tonight—“
DM: (ominous laughter)
Aliarra: “All get a proper night’s sleep. As different as they all seem, they all seem trustworthy.” Pause and listen for ominous laughter.
Aiden: I sleep in a room with a window that would be towards the raising sun.
Aliarra: As we’re in a basement, that’s going to be difficult.
Aiden: I sleep on the side where the raising sun WOULD be if I could look out.
DM: You hunker down for the night. Foolishly leave the doors unlocked. Game over.

Morning comes with gratuitous morning music. Aiden yells about this. Aliarra dresses to the Skyrim theme or possibly Guile’s theme. She assigns themes to people by making them roll a d12. Aiden does the Mario, which becomes the Denerim. Cissy gets the Mario invincibility song, which irritates Aliarra. Hanzo gets the Katamari Damacy theme.

Aliarra: We rise, complete our morning devotions for those of us who are religious. Complete our morning poisonings for those of us who are ninjas.
Cissy: Morning poisonings. (miming putting a few drops of poison into cups) ‘Coffee’s ready!’
Aliarra: Ungol duuuuuuust!
DM: A bag in each one, they thought it was sugar.
Hanzo: Stupid college kids take the ungol dust challenge.

They head up to find Roketh hanging out, and depart without delay. Roketh warns them that they will have company, in tones which make it clear said company will be hostile.

Aliarra: “Tell me, if this is not too indelicate a question: is this a case where silver is called for?”
DM: “That is an excellent question. I remember hearing about werewolves’ vulnerability to that but undead do not carry it. We’re not normal werewolves.”
Aliarra: Damn. I’ve been carrying a silver and a cold iron longsword around this entire campaign and it has never come up!
Hanzo: You are not Geralt.
Aiden: Remember, you have to switch up between your monster-slaying sword and your human-slaying sword.

Bizarre amounts of heavy breathing occur. Roketh straps on whomping huge bastard sword and off they go. More heavy breathing occurs, and Bane warns others of flu season. Little happens as they travel forward, save that the ground becomes littered with bones.

Aliarra: Have fun walking on bones, suckers! Ah ha ha ha ha!
DM: You run into a tree.
Aliarra: Why didn’t I see it coming?
DM: And the dog’s there to pick you up. (making the Duck Hunt dog retrieval noise)

The sound of combat drifts to them over the terrain as their wolf allies do their duty. Ahead, a fence serves as a marker, where large werewolves stand guard. Roketh and the wolves discuss the battle thus far, and it appears many enemy forces have not yet reached the battlefield. Someone apparently wrestles a bag to the death directly on top of the microphone.

DM: “Just follow this as straight as you can.”
Aiden: Oh. You’re RPing. I thought you were talking to me, I’m like, I’m TRYING, DM.
Aliarra: “I hope for your sake don’t meet again. Except perhaps in the afterlife.”
DM: “There will probably be a final battle, but you probably won’t see me. And if not, no, then in the afterlife we’ll meet again.”

On they head, with Ignir taking point in his scout role to lead them straight. Fog swirls around them, limiting sight to ten feet clearly. Cissy rides Ignir, claiming he values her destructive power and innocent personality; Ignir pleads the Fifth. They spot three huge forms coming at them from the fog – it’s initiative time! Aiden talks up his awesome new spell Resuscitation, which Aliarra realizes several minutes later is actually Recitation. A long digression about Warhammer ensues.

Aliarra: When our comrade takes over as daimyo he’s going to want to build a ninja school. It’s going to be a long and epic battle with the Hanzoning board.
Cissy: (agonized moan)
Aiden: I was waiting. This is – where is this story going? How is this going to turn into dumb?

Aliarra is forced to finish a drink and swallows the whole thing in one thunderous gulp. A werewolf moves in first, charging into the fray, and the game derails on talk of Goofy singing Evanescence; Hanzo’s impressions make Aiden burst into laughter so helplessly he nearly dies. Cissy gets targeted by the werewolf, and takes 41 damage plus a saving throw against lycanthropy. Mrrshala moves up to engage!

Aiden: He’s on our flank. I don’t like people entering my space. You enter my space—
Aliarra: (to Mrrshala) You’re going to get an attack of opportunity unless you use a reach weapon.
Mrsshala: RanSEUR!
Aiden: You pass my space you’re gonna get a grope of opportunity.
Aliarra: Not now, Aiden!
Aiden: It’s a force of habit! I wasn’t even trying!

The DM belatedly remembers wolf-trip, and down goes Cissy. Mrrshala attacks the wolf, wounding it. Hanzo, up next, pops behind the werewolf to flank it.

Aliarra: These guys are about to have some problems with their union. (an ominous pause) He’s about to suffer a sudden strike.

One snorted laugh and a couple of faces hit the table.

DM: All three converge on Aliarra.
Aliarra: I’m tanking! It is my job. Aliarra used out-of-character taunt.
Hanzo: Miss.
Aliarra: What did you roll>
Hanzo: 19.
Aliarra: How does a 19 miss?

Hanzo in fact hits, causing Aliarra to realize she’s incapable of missing her first attack. Ignir apparently teleports the hell away for some reason. A werewolf wounds Ignir, transforming into an electronic die as it does. Aiden casts Super-Bless, aka Recitation! The mechanics of Robilar’s Gambit are discussed, since Aliarra picked it up this level. She uses White Raven Tactics on Mrrshala, Order Forged from Chaos on the group, and Divine Surge for a crapton, then promptly comes under fire from a really competent werewolf. Unable to trip even on good rolls, she abandons that line of battle. Mrrshala whips out Ruby Nightmare Blade. Aiden and Aliarra get into a rules argument about Cissy withdrawing while on the ground. Cissy hurls a few scorching rays into the fray, slaying the first werewolf. Ehlorra manifests a power that the werewolf laughs off. Pan jockeys for lightning bolt position. Both the arcane casters have developed a suspicious habit of overselling their damage and abilities by this point. Hanzo can’t work out positioning to flank, but he’s ethereal and has his bonuses anyway. Amazingly, he doesn’t pre-declare a miss.

DM: You hit on a 2, come on.
Hanzo: Okey-dokey… how does a crit in 3.5 work again?

This is a SUPER-boring combat to describe, honestly, it’s just the werewolves and the players churning out damage at each other, except for the fact where Aiden transforms into an uncontrolled groping machine.

DM: I need a Fortitude save and then I need a Strength or Dex check.
Aiden: What is it? Is it poison or disease, because I’m immune to both.
DM: It’s a disease.
Aliarra: Are you immune to all diseases or just normal diseases?
Aiden: I’m a paladin, so I don’t think…
Aliarra: No. You’ve developed a type, sir!
Aiden: …26.

Aiden is not tripped! Eager to avoid AOOs, he stretches his arms out with his bracers to deliver some mace slaps. Aliarra and a werewolf exploded into each other in a fury of attacking, as they both go simultaneously and Aliarra counterattacks every strike he makes. She emerges the victor.

Aliarra: NOW I’m hurt.
Aiden: Mkay.
Hanzo: Aiden cares not.
Aiden: Well, the options on heals are… do I blow the big one?
Aliarra: Well, to be fair, I’ve taken 125 points of damage and am about 20 more… no, I won’t take that 20 more, I already took that 20.
Mrrshala: Oh, that’s a crit, I just rolled a natural 20…

Note to DM: Scorching Ray gets a max of 3 rays no matter what Cissy says, I looked it up. She drops the last werewolf, and Aiden hurriedly demands that the transcription end before Goofy sings Evanescence. Mercifully, it does.
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