05 January 2016 @ 05:56 pm

Last time, the PCs -

Maldrake: Pregnant lizardman! Of course. Mpregs all the way. Mpreg, physics go out the window!

Last time, the PCs had opened the door to the strong room to fight the lizardmen within! The DM calls for initiative, even as they discover many more lizardfolk inside than expected!

Thalynmar: “I thought you said there were only three.”
Krixix: “I only saw three!”

Lualyrr, first to act, gives Bardic Inspiration to Thalynmar and then crits a lizardman with her hand crossbow.

Krixix: Why do we even ask Lualyrr to roll any more?
Maldrake: Because she occasionally rolls a 16.
Thalynmar: And SOMETIMES it’s not enough to hit!
Raven: Can I have Lualyrr’s dice, please?

Vivianne casts Spiritual Weapon in the room, while Thalynmar goes in swinging! Vivianne promptly misinterprets everything about Spiritual Weapon, slaying a lizardman! Then she clears up what one she was attacking and slays no one. Krixix gleefully moves to assassinate, because he acts before the lizardmen.

Krixix: It’s a big hit, so I want to put it into whoever looks the biggest and toughest.
Thalynmar: You’re a racist, they all look the same to you. You can’t tell the difference.
DM: There isn’t much variety among these guys. You can more identify them by patterns of scales than anything.
Eben: That’s the swordsage lizardman. There’s always a swordsage in this bunch. Oh, Thalynmar, you’re tripped! Krixix, 5 lizardmen pack-attack you!
Thalynmar: White Raven Tactics!

Krixix slays a lizardman with his assassin-crit, as the repulsive property of his bow makes him hurl on poor Thalynmar.

DM: From beneath this table where they’ve been hiding, a pair of lizardmen surge into the fray.
Krixix: Seriously?
DM: Yes.
Krixix: Come on, dude.
Thalynmar: Give him a Perception check!
DM: He rolled Perception checks last time. And failed them. In fact I even clued you in when you heard something fall, and you didn’t choose to investigate it, which was excellent, because it meant it was good foreshadowing on my part. I give myself a hearty handshake.

The transcriber also gives himself a hearty handshake for uploading multiple game reports, taking attention away from the poor DM! Eben refuses to acknowledge the transcriptions. Vivianne gets clubbed in the knee for 8.

Krixix: Damn, you got Tonya Hardinged.
Maldrake: “What’s going on in there?”
DM: That’s interesting. I’ve rolled these two dice for each attack and each time they’ve both come up 16. That’s very unlikely.

Vivianne gets bitten, Krixix gets clubbed and bitten. Maldrake tries to leverage the white privilege of the party members to get them extra attacks.

Maldrake: Lualyrr, get a blog. That means you get bonus actions. I read it. D&D 5th edition.
DM: Wizards of the Coast got a little TOO progressive…

The DM aggressively prevents heart disease in the group, which leads Maldrake to threaten to shove a flaming sphere mini up his ass. Raven whips his flametongue around and whacks a lizardman, slaying it. The lizardfolk act! One attempts to grapple Thalynmar and fails, then misses the bite. Another misses his club, but bites Thalynmar’s nose for 4.

Thalynmar: Will save, enrage?
Maldrake: 200 gold to fix that, buddy. 200 gold. Local face surgeon.
Krixix: Tom’s Rhinoplasty.
DM: A javelin pierces into your armpit as you raised your arm to avoid the blow, but it’s a glancing blow indeed, dealing only 3. And the lizardman attempts to bite, but you smack its snoot away with a blow of your mailed fist, and it recoils.
Krixix: Luckily, your armpit hair cushions the blow.
Maldrake: The javelin goes for the armpit, but luckily you wore deodorant today! It deflects it.
Thalynmar: Antiperspirant, bitches!
Krixix: AndtoperSPEARant?
DM: In the back, the three lizardmen who cannot engage cast javelins at you!
Maldrake: CAST javelins?
DM: Yes.
Eben: A level 2 spell.
Krixix: Like the gauntlet of endless javelins!
DM: You and your imagining that as the ultimate weapon. You were so disappointed when you realized that wasn’t how you thought it was…. One knocks your helmet askew, dealing you a brutal bruise for 4 damage, but that proves dangerous indeed. And a pathetic crit, a javeling flies into the exposed side of your head. Lancing deep into your jaw, the barbs sink in for 8 points of damage.
Vivanne: Ow. Tasty.
Lualyrr: Damn, ow.
DM: He’s Thalynmar, he can take it. Take it like a champ.
Thalynmar: I can. I have a lot of hit points.
Maldrake: You should have followed it up with ‘I’m down.’
DM: For a single moment, the champ was Apollo Creed. Maldrake, you’ve heard a LOT more commotion coming from in there than you’d expect from a fight with three lizardmen.

Maldrake storms into the room brandishing his mace of fear, dodging an AOO as Raven imposes disasdvantage on the blow. He fires it off, despite his extreme confusion with regards to the actual mechanics, and catches several effectively. Eben hurls a shatter spell into the fray.

DM: What attribute is it?
Eben: ..thunder?
DM: I mean what saving throw is it.
Maldrake: What do you say after thunder?
Thalynmar: Thunder?
Krixix: Clap!
Maldrake: Exactly, what do you say after that thunder?
Krixix: Lightning?
Thalynmar: Thunder.
Maldrake: Thunder. Thunder. Thunder.
Krixix: HO!
Maldrake: God d—smack yourself! Sweet Jesus!

Vivianne gets so confused the entire group threatens to smack her. The DM bitterly fails to save with the two lizardfolk who had passed the fear save, then waxes verbose over the damage the Shatter has wrought within the strong room.

DM: There’s a shower of gold, it looks like someone punched a Diablo boss in there. You remember belatedly this is where people put their valuable to be protected. Oh no!
Krixix: Just blame it on the shadow cult…

Lualyrr shoots a lizardfolk in the back, then gives bardic inspiration to Vivianne. Thalynmar kills a dude – the DM reminds him that he has both two attacks and Great Weapon Fighting, so he slays a second. Vivianne continues to go on a rampage with her Spiritual Weapon until the DM finally looks up the spell and explains to her why she’s not supposed to be doing quite that much damage.

Vivanne: I’m so confused!
Maldrake: Don’t worry, Manning is confused too. He doesn’t know how to play the game any more.

Vivianne apparently has too, and the game meanders a bit as the group sits her down to explain the basics of the system. The group discovers Inflict Wounds does 3d10 damage and practically melts down in shock, furious at the balance implications. Her roll is enough to melt the lizardman. The DM rules that the PCs finish the remaining lizardfolk, which leaves them staring at the mess they’ve made.

Lualyrr: Minor Illusion!
Thalynmar: Just put a sign. “Everything’s fine.”
DM: What are you doing about all the corpses, by the way?
Eben and Vivanne: Uhhhh.
Maldrake: What do you mean, what are we doing? They’re staying right there!

Krixix attempts to steal everything, as is his wont, but Eben rolls well enough to realize a suspicious crate tips back to reveal a trapdoor!

Thalynmar: 50 more lizardmen await you.
Krixix: Quick, throw the corpses in there!
Maldrake: I begin to move all the bodies into the main room over here.
Krixix: Oh, I was going to say let’s move them into that trapdoor.
Thalynmar: Clog it.
Eben: I can burn the bodies.
Maldrake: No, I’m leaving them there as evidence.
Vivanne: Actually, I do have Animate Dead.
Krixix: Can we just animate the bodies and use it to our advantage?
Eben: Ooh, we don’t have a necromancer.
Vivanne: I have two…
DM: You have Animate Dead prepared?
Vivanne: Uhhh, yeah.
DM: Why?!
Vivanne: You never know!

Eben argues in favor of leaving the corpses behind, because this is a module and does not have this DM’s finely honed sense of paranoia. Vivianne animates a lizardman, which Eben instantly shoots. Vivianne recants all her claims that she was animating a body, while Krixix throws himself under the bus for some reason to take the blame. Somehow this turns into a compass rose zing.

Eben: If any of us die before the DM, he’s going to carve a map on our tombstone, with the arrow pointing to north, just so he can have an arrow pointing what looks like the wrong direction.
DM: ‘Here lies Eben, now on the ultimate boat adventure.’
Eben: ‘Quit bugging the DM about his map decades ago, but now bearing the brunt of his animosity.’
Maldrake: ‘According to Maldrake’s will, we have to make a big north sign for his grave. Oh you didn’t build it right, curve it…’
DM: Eben, get to work on altering that will, as you love to do.

Maldrake works on blocking the warehouse door to delay discovery and pursuit. They head down into the tunnel, completing Chapter 5 of the module! To much confusion and attempts to level, which the DM curses the players for.

Maldrake: We just leveled up…
DM: Fuck you!
Maldrake: What?! I said no!
DM: No – no, Krixix, no. I appreciate your support, which is something I thought I would never say… Anyway, you travel into the tunnel—
Eben: The Time Tunnel.
Thalynmar: The Chunnel. We’re going to France.
DM: You know, remember that joke later in this chapter.
Thalynmar: Oh God!

They head down the tunnel, making a Perception check as they reach the end, and hear growling and muttering in Draconic near the end. The muttering fades before they emerge, and they spot a trail heading off deeper into the Mere of Dead Men.

Thalynmar: (rolling dice)
DM: Thalynmar furiously attacks a tree.
Thalynmar: No, not with those rolls!
DM: I didn’t say you succeeded.

Failing to learn from experience, the group sends Krixix ahead on point. The entire trail is rough terrain, though, and incredibly muddy and miserable.

DM: …grabs at your shoes as you walk, except for Krixix, who is a halfling and wears no shoes as part of a contractual obligation to the Tolkein estate.
Thalynmar: Can’t wear magical boots.
DM: No, like a Tauren, he cuts them off and makes anklets out of them.
Thalynmar: Fucking draenei!

Maldrake waxes eloquent about his smiting, leading others to compare him to Simon Belmont, Vampire Hunter. He demands the John Cena thunderous smite as the party settles down for the night.

DM: You take a long rest.
Eben: That is the end of Chapter 6!
DM: It gets kind of ridiculous, you have to admit. Anyway! Chapter 27…
Thalynmar: What is this, the Dan Brown of fucking modules?

Maldrake’s mace oozes terror all over his bedroll, staining it in awkward ways. Casting confuses many, as is its wont. Thalynmar realizes there are no thunderstones in 5E.

Thalynmar: I’m boycotting 5th edition.
DM: I always thought, ‘Huh, dwarves are no longer a standard race. What’s that fire in the distance?’ You see Thalynmar walking away from the game store angrily…

Maldrake confuses his powers and attempts to prepare the spell that brands people, thus turning them into his paladin mount. Eben tells everyone of the T-shirt about the Star Wars gym named Boba Fit. The group abruptly realizes that they’ve abandoned their caravan and left no word.

DM: It’s not like you did anything other than sign up solely for the purpose of figuring this out.
Thalynmar: Yeah, screw those guys.
DM: It does testament to your Lawful alignment that you think of such things.
Eben: Am I lawful?

A long silence.

Eben: Yes.
DM: I’m not so certain about Good.
Eben: I AM Lawful Good.
DM: You DID just order a hit, dude. You may be on shaky ground.

On they continue, heading deeper into the swamp and following the trail (despite the DM’s cheerful encouragement to leave it). After an hour, they find themselves rolling Perception checks, but they hear a terrible Stealth roll being made – Raven makes it on a 5. Shambling mounds stalk towards them! The group furiously debates their options – fight the shambling mounds or fleeing the path? In the halflings’ case they’re almost swimming. The DM move to draw the battlefield.

Krixix: Are you making up this battlefield, or is it in the book?
DM: How would you know?
Krixix: That’s why I’m asking!
DM: (just laughing) Someday, when we’ve gotten all the way through these modules, you’ll be able to look at them and see. Unless someone else wants to run them.
Thalynmar: What do you mean ‘someday’? It’s called ‘tonight’.
DM: Well! I don’t know HOW you did it…
Maldrake: I love the idea that we go over there and look at the book. It’s empty. Every page blank.
DM: I just like the idea that you guys finally knuckled down and focused, and we discovered how much we could get done if we didn’t go on any side tracks…

Raven and Eben, as is their running gag, roll terribly on initiative. Vivianne casts Bless on the melee, apparently inappropriately sexually for no clear reason. A shambling mound lumbers forward, alarming everyone till the DM points out it just took a Dash.

Krixix: Oh crap, it’s got a breath attack.
Maldrake: It’s not a dragon!
Krixix: Whatever it is, it’s got some sort of AOE.
Maldrake: It’s going to use Surf.
Thalynmar: Or Bad Breath.
DM: It’s not a Marlboro!
Thalynmar: Uh, 28?
DM: You miss!

No, he doesn’t miss. Thalynmar does miss his second attack, while Krixix shoots the one that didn’t move, then throws up because his bow is repulsive. The group remembers with pride Wes spitting on the Manslayer all those years ago. Maldrake smites and detects AC thanks to Bless. Thalynmar takes this opportunity to complain about the transcription, despite the fact that he named his character Thalynmar. Lualyrr ponders casting Heroism, but Heroism isn’t as good as it was in 3.5 So she shoots! Eben gets distracted by promise of a $130 Xbox, but then everyone stops and realizes that isn’t an Xbone. Firing on the shambling mound, he debates the value of unleashing a knockback. Sadly, there are no convenient cliffs to send it over.

Maldrake: Of course, you know, D&D 5.0 entered the Looney Tunes rules, so as long as you roll to have your character not look down, he doesn’t fall.

Maldrake cheerfully attempts to convince Raven he’s fighting a ‘grumbling shambler’, then Lualyrr makes a joke about the telepresent player.

Eben: Oh, that was a stealth pun, she totally punned you.
Maldrake: Hey. It wasn’t a vampung.
Eben: A vampung? HA! THAT WINS!

Raven cuts into the shambling mound, discovering that it resists fire damage. Eben abruptly begins worrying that these things explode. Thalynmar spoils the whole shambling mound mechanic.

Thalynmar: Don’t use lightning on it.
DM: You don’t know that!
Maldrake: We’re standing in water! I think any genius spellcaster would be like, hey I shouldn’t mix thunder and water!
Krixix: Krixix drops his thunderstone!
DM: What about your second attack?
Raven: That’s right, I get two.
DM: Aren’t you all glad I remember how to play your characters?

Maldrake starts questioning the presence of Asteroid M, apropos of nothing.

Thalynmar: Was it an asteroid in the shape of an M?
Maldrake: In the alternates it is.
Thalynmar: (laughing)
Eben: (after a moment) No it’s not!
Maldrake: I love the moment of pause!
Thalynmar: I wouldn’t put it past them…

Vivianne whips out the ol’ Spiritual Weapon, The shambling mound sucks double-slams Eben and then grapples him into its churning body. He returns fire with Hellish Rebuke, but that is unfortunately fire damage, so he does relatively little. Krixix flanks for the sneak attack, rerolls a natural 1, and remains so grateful he is a halfling.

Maldrake: “Let go of my ALLY!”
Thalynmar: Leggo my EGGO!

Maldrake’s smite drops the shambling mounds into a pile of limp vegetation. Android 17 emerges for no apparent reason.

Maldrake: I turn, still burning with passion. I vow amenities on this one! I think it’s amenities, I don’t know how to pronounce the word.
Thalynmar: Manatees?
Maldrake: I vow a manatee upon you!
Eben: Anemone?
Maldrake: E N M I T –
All: Enmity.
Maldrake: I’ve never heard this word before.

Maldrake whacks weeds, and a comparison to female dragonborn hygiene is made in very poor taste. Eben is still trapped within the weeds, and they vow to burn the shambling mound in vengeance right up to the point where he emerges from it.

Eben: If only I could use Eldritch Blast as propulsion, I could pull a Boba Fett and just be like, ‘Take that, Sarlaac!’ I could just dramatically cast Fly and Superman out of the thing. Inspiration…?
DM: Don’t waste your slot.
Eben: I will burst forth from my –
Thalynmar: Placenta.

Eben blasts away, while Raven takes a swing (to Eben’s eternal amusement). The shambling mound attacks Maldrake, with the DM vigorously miming both slams bouncing harmlessly off Maldrake’s shield.

DM: Um, with another full round of attacks you easily butcher the shambling mound.
Eben: But… but…
Maldrake: Let him roll.
Thalynmar: He’s taking away our –
Maldrake: No!
Eben: But it could have killed us on its turn!
DM: That was its turn. And then all seven of you…
Eben: Well I hit it two more times!
DM: If that one had gone any faster this would have been a different story, but it rolled a 1 on its initiative. And it has a -1 to Dexterity. It could not have gone any slower.
Krixix: I’m gonna take the vine and start swinging from tree to tree! (miming tying a lasso)
Thalynmar: (miming Krixix trying a noose)
DM: What is Krixix now, the wish-granting fairy? ‘I know what everybody wants and I’m going to give it to them!’ (miming swinging from a noose)

They take a short rest to recover, then continue slogging through the swamp. Just before dusk, they reach a campsite – with four wicker lean-tos and a stone platform for a fire. The trail leads into water with canoes sitting on it, leading Eben to predict a boss fight that keeps knocking them out of the boat. Immediately suspicious of this, the group begins trying to come up with any possible way to go around the water instead, then give grim consideration to the use of the boats.

Maldrake: Well, let’s make camp. Head out early in the morning on the boats. We’re going to go upriver… And we’re gonna kick that son of a beetch M. Bison’s ass so HORT… that any dragon acolyte M. Bison wannabe will feel it.

They make camp, somehow both making a fire and putting Krixix on every watch. Maldrake votes Krixix off the island, while Krixix bemoans everyone hating his character for perfectly legitimate reasons. Maldrake and Eben both spot canoes full of lizardfolk heading their way! Krixix advocates launching a sneak-attack from range, having invented a cool spell called ‘earthshatter’ in his head.

Maldrake: If only we had a druid that could transform into a dolphin and make small holes IN ALL THEIR BOATS, RUINING MY AWESOME ENCOUNTER-- (collapsing into fury)

The DM reminds them that 5E allows them to declare their ‘killing blows’ lethal or nonlethal, which inspires Maldrake to want to take prisoners. The players resolutely vote down Krixix’s “ranged sneak attack, murder almost all of them” suggestions.

Krixix: I still think a well-placed Earthshatter right in the middle of their boats—
DM: Stop making up spells!
Krixix: I’m not!
Lualyrr: It’s Shatter.
Maldrake: You’re thinking Earthrage.
Eben: Or better yet, I can cast—
Maldrake: ‘Remove Boats from Existence’, genius.
DM: That’s oddly specific.
Thalynmar: Why is it only 3rd level?!

The DM draws the map to the usual criticisms, Maldrake tells a very strange story about fanservice, while Krixix continues to argue in favor of shooting the lizardfolk on the water. And against taking prisoners.

Eben: Can we subdue that many? We’re gonna need to muzzle and bind—
Maldrake: We don’t need to muzzle them, they aren’t going to bite through ropes.
Eben: If they’re all tied together, one of them’s going to lean over and bite through the other one’s—
DM: And if you guys don’t notice that, you deserve what’s coming to you.

Krixix goes down the path of advocating torture, as we all expected to this point, which Maldrake as the paladin refuses to allow.

Krixix: I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was going to tell you about it! I was just gonna drag one off into the woods with me.
DM: Yes, that won’t be suspicious at all.
Maldrake: “Aaaah! Aaaah!”
DM: ‘He must be passing a kidney stone out there.’
Vivanne: Time for some anal!
DM: I feel so dirty for laughing at that.

Initiative rolls are accrued for the surprise round. Thalynmar lunges forward and promptly crits, while Vivianne attempts to cast Sacred Frame. A huge argument over her action erupts as she blindly insists she has no missile weapons because she’s focused on healing. Her Spiritual Weapon crits a lizardman.

Vivanne: I’m also going to shoot at him, because why not?
Krixix: Shoot at him with what?
Vivanne: My light crossbow.
DM: You DO have a crossbow!
Krixix: You just said you didn’t have one!
Maldrake: She doesn’t know what a missile weapon is, guys. You’re confusing her.
Vivanne: I thought you meant…
Maldrake: An actual LAW rocket launcher.

Vivianne missing, and then Eben lobs a Hunger of Hadar right into the middle of the lizardmen. Lualyrr follows up with Shatter, leading Vivianne to bemoan her failure to cast Shatter. Raven misses, while Krixix contemplates drowning all the lizardfolk. The Hunger then… drops every single lizarfdolk.

Krixix: I would like to tie them all together, and tie rocks to their ankles, and then I’m going to throw them into the water when we’re done interrogating them.
DM: …Lizardmen can swim.
Krixix: Can they breathe underwater?
DM: Yes, they can hold their breath for 15 minutes!
Eben: Not when they’re unconscious.
Krixix: Not when they’re tied up!
Maldrake: What are you going to tie to them in the swamp that could make a grown man not be able to swim up!?
Thalynmar: I just rolled a natural 20 for Sleight of Hand to make sure Krixix’s legs are tied to them too.

Maldrake wakes up a lizardman, while Eben promotes him to Bad Cop and Lualyrr to Good Cop. Thalynmar comes an inch from slaying them all, but fortunately has no bucket. Maldrake rails at them for a bit, demanding answers, especially as to where the treasure goes.

DM: One of them finally speaks. “Treasure goes to the castle where we live. The dragon-kneelers take it. If your quarrel is with them, take it up with them!”
Maldrake: “Where’s the castle?”
DM: “In the swamp. That way. We travel by boat.”
Krixix: I say we do like they did in the Batman movie, when he puts all the guys together, and he throws in the broken cue stick, and he goes, “I’m looking for aggressive expansion! I only have one spot left.” I think we all need to have them go into a battle royale against each other. Whoever lives gets the privilege of leading us to the castle.

The DM calls for Charisma checks all around, which leads to everyone furiously lying – Vivianne attempts to claim she rolled a 25.

DM: One of the lizardmen glares at the impassive figures behind you all. Shouts in Draconic, “We are paid in steel! Will you pay us in steel?!”
Krixix: “Certainly, across your throat.”
Eben: Are they asking us to kill him?
Krixix: Please let me slit one of their throats.
Maldrake: No, they’re paid in weapons.
Krixix: Yeah, I understand that, but I’m going to turn that against them.
DM: In Common, the lizardfolk adds, “Want to help”.
Krixix: “There’s your steel!”
DM: “The dragon-kneelers are our masters musttalkalone.”

Eben proposes to talk the lizardfolk up on the offer, though he insists on bringing Lualyrr along because he’s squishy.

DM: “Where’s Eben?” (mouth full) “Eben who?”
Maldrake: I like the idea, better idea, he comes out, he has part of his face on top of half of it and he rolled really well on his Disguise. ‘Eben, you look a little short there, a little green around the gills…’
Eben: I’ll announce in Draconic that this one’s insolence cannot be forgiven, drag him off outside of eyesight of the rest, and just start casting Eldritch Blasts in random directions.

They convince the lizardman to scream as if being tortured, while Thalynmar cleverly distracts Krixix with a picture of him licking his shortbow and vomiting. The lizardman is apparently impressed by their strength and furious at the cultists’ lies and their subjugation by bullywugs. He is willing to work with the characters and attempt to persuade other lizardfolk to join them. Also his name is Snapjaw.

Krixix: Please note, whoever can NOT be persuaded, I’m probably going to slit their throats.
Eben: So therefore I don’t have to stop you. Or I can’t stop you, ‘cuz I don’t know that you’re really, REALLY bloodthirsty!
DM: …yes you do! He throws daggers at everyone for the slightest provocation!
Eben: Well, I mean about this.
DM: The only reason you guys get away from it is, you’re PCs!
Krixix: I AM Chaotic Neutral. I can go either way, I just go all out when I do.
Eben: “I will permit this. I take you at your word for now, but do not seek to cross me.”
DM: “With what you all can do, that would be folly.”
Eben: Hee hee! I’m glad we understand one another, Snapjaw.
DM: ‘Yes, I wish to get ass-raped by the void tentacles again, please!’
Eben: Granted, it’s a module, but I’m used to enemies that you’ve rolled up who absolutely refuse in any way to be intimidated by anything a PC does, ever. That’s still gonna take a while—
DM: Hey, hold on, hold on. Don’t you remember when you killed the red dragon and the orc tribe that were his allies promptly shat themselves in fear and went and gathered up the dragon’s treasure and gave it to you amongst prayers that you would not continue to slake your bloodlust on them?
Maldrake: It was ME, I killed the red dragon!
DM: But he’s the one who intimidated then. Do you not remember that?
Eben: Not until you brought it up just not now…
DM: You have very selective memory for where I screw you over and where I don’t.
Eben: You screw us over ALL the rest of that time, except that one time… I grant you, it’s valid.

As usual, the discussion of player competence and people getting screwed over goes back to Aibghalien getting absolutely crushed by the other players. The players debate whether or not they should slay any lizardmen who do not agree to help them – Eben believes they will not interfere since the Cult is screwing their people over, whereas Krixix is just bloodthirsty. Only about a quarter refuse to assist.

Krixix: Are they separating into who is going to help us and who is not?
Eben: Are they kindly singling themselves out for you to dispatch them?
Maldrake: If you want to rush after them to get your bloodlust on, go ahead. I’d rather not already disrupt these small sort of allies we have by killing the others…

The other lizardfolk are going to keep doing their job, and won’t be able to interfere because they’re going the other way to do their job anyway. A Scatman joke takes the DM completely off guard and he pauses the game to demand an explanation. They release the lizardmen from their bonds, since their former foes are all battered to hell and thoroughly afraid to oppose the PCs, and return to their long rest. They wake to a heavy morning fog, only to spot what appears to be a lantern out in the distance of the swamp.

Lualyrr: Is it a lantern, or more like a will o’ wisp?
DM: As near as you can tell, it’s an indistinct, flickering lantern.

Lualyrr wakes the others and points it out to them, so Eben wakes up Snapjaw to ask his opinion.

DM: “Will o’ wisp.”
Lualyrr: Oh!
Eben: Crap. We gotta get out of here. I just remembered in D&D they’re vicious. We gotta go. We gotta go now.
Maldrake: It’s a pity to the party in 5th Edition will o’ wisps would give treasure! And nothing but praise and gold.
DM: They’re the loot goblins of 5E.
Eben: Are they?
DM: No. They’re like the Mi-Go, when you kill them they turn into an artifact.
Eben: Really?
DM: No.

Eben wonders if maybe he’s thinking of Elder Scrolls will o’ wisps when he’s assessing lethality. They head off upriver to go kick that Rezmir’s ass so HORT, piling into the boats. The path is fairly easy to follow.

Maldrake: I stand up on the front of my boat, G. Washington style, prepared to cut some redcoat ass.
DM: Roll an Athletics check. Oh, Acrobatics?
Maldrake: Acrobatics?
DM: Ah, you fall. You sink below the water and are forever lost.
Thalynmar: What is this, King’s Quest?
DM: No! I didn’t punish you with a pie!

Snapjaw cautions the PCs that they are approaching the lizardfolk pickets that surround the castle, but he will try to persuade the guards to let them pass. Telling the lizardfolk that the PCs are great heroes, Snapjaw makes a good persuasion roll that gets briefly ruined by the PCs converting to pacifism. Brunt’s pacifism is mocked. Maldrake gets really mad about rock-paper-scissors. The Nemesis system produces their greatest enemy, that half-elf.

Maldrake: I thought we killed him.
DM: Yes, but the Nemesis system brought him back for the final battle!

They at last come up to Castle Naerytar, leading to inevitable quotes regarding the viability of castles in the swamp. Snapjaw sighs as he points to some very well-constructed longhouses, telling them that they had initially planned to move their entire village here, but had left their families behind when the real state of affairs became apparent. The lizardfolk curses the bullywugs and their crappy huts, explaining their leader had killed the lizardfolk shamen! And as the PCs pull up to dock their canoes, the game ends…