(no subject)

[dragonoflife]

The 3d6 world, the hunnerd gold campaign! The DM oversells the hell out of the game, then recaps: they had fallen through a bridge and been assaulted by a fire giant. The efreet had escaped but they slew the giant!

Cruroar: I thought it was a genie! Oh no, the figurine was a genie…
DM: No, it was an efreet. Efreets are a subclass of djinn.

Normilan has gained the power of a hydra for his polymorph, and this is marvelous! The DM casts subtle shade at Cruroar for ruining the hydra fight and vow to send a dancing vorpal sword at Normilan.

Cruroar: Would you cut off someone’s head if they somehow royally messed up and ended with a card where they cut their own head, crit themselves with a vorpal sword…
Brunt: The deck giveth and the deck taketh away.
Cruroar: YOU ARE DEAD!
DM: I gotta be honest with you, Cruroar, I thought you were going for a Green Eggs and Ham thing. ‘Would you cut off someone’s head? Would you make your PC dead? Would you make him fail a save? Would you send him to the grave?’
Cruroar: I wish I was that good!
Brunt: We already had that chapter in this campaign.
DM: ‘When you cast a Flesh to Stone, would a 1 just make you moan?’
Cruroar: OH NO! Why’d you go there?! Brunt was smiling and you turned it on him!
Normilan: He was having fun!
DM: ‘Will your monster stop and yield, or teleport across the field?’

The group reminisces bitterly about the rhyming game session, then turn their attention to the issue of what the heck they do. The illusion has faded entirely, revealing that the path on the side they started is perfectly fine. Quirion is deemed to be the Destiny Ghost of the party.

Brunt: Any time we need to get a door unlocked, we just hold our hand out, and Quirion starts doing this in front of the door, and then we fight the waves of enemies off…
Normilan: I thought we summon Quirion, pick him up and start bashing the door down with him.

They make their way out of the canyon, finding the blight of undeath before them, and make their way onwards without being plagued by a hurricane. A night of rest leads to much flavor text from the DM, and much rustling of snack bags on the microphone. They burn a Destiny point to have saddlebags ready and Cruroar fumes at the DM’s dickishness. It gets strange.

Cruroar: We’re going to fight Man-E-Faces.
Cruroar and Brunt: (to the rhythm of ‘Dental plan!’) Man-E-Faces!
DM: Nice chorus…

Glimmer pauses eating a burning log long enough to question if he should go with them; they end up leaving him to protect the wagon. They question if Glimmer speaks their language, but he just smiles and gives them a vegemite sandwich.

Brunt: Brunt’s gonna trust in his self-preservation to keep him alive, and I’m going to trust in you liking us having a little dragon sidekick and not putting him in a situation…
DM: Oh, ironically he can speak with animals.

They bitterly anticipate Glimmer becoming a hostage, or all of them being murdered by his vengeful and misunderstanding mother. This wanders into how hatchling dragons are capable of taking care of themselves.

Lucian: And if he doesn’t survive to adulthood, well, that’s its own fault.
DM: Your ranger and companion, everybody.
Brunt: It’s like Krixxix never died. Callous and indifferent to everyone around him.

The night passes, and the next morning they travel on to the battered castle they seek. The castle looks tattered and broken, and the moat looks utterly stagnant and filthy. The drawbridge is up, leaving them no way to cross to the castle! The DM calls for Spot checks; Eilnys and Giles spot movement in the water, which proves to be a skull!

Giles: Might be skeletons in the water—
Lucian: Skeletor?!
Brunt: I crouch at the edge of the bridge with the white crystal and a silver knife.
DM: A tornado whisks you away!

Cruroar scouts for a way to drop the drawbridge, being capable of flight. A rain dance erupts, somehow. Rock Dude also investigates.

Brunt: We should split up!

Normilan has Knock ready to go, questioning if it will work on the drawbridge. They check the rules; it can, and one cast later, it does! The drawbridge crashes hard before them, then settles down. The water is close to the drawbridge, though, leaving everyone terribly suspicious.

DM: What do you all do?
Brunt: Prepare for battle, because that’s what’s going to happen.
Giles: I have my short swords of +1 awesomeness out.
Brunt: I will cross… I will clear the table for you.

Rock Dude tells them the earth at the bottom of the moat is quite weird! They’re not really any less convinced this is a trap. Then Listen checks ensue! Lucian, Giles, and Eilnys have a chance to react as the water surges up.

Lucian: I’m going to scream, “LOOK OUT”!
Giles: I’m going to hide behind someone so I have hidden precision.
Lucian: (laughing)
Cruroar: STOP PLAYING LIKE LUCIAN!
Lucian: He grabs Brunt to use as a shield!
Cruroar: It’s not good! Get a cloak of invisibility for fuck’s sake!
Eilnys: I’m going to grab Brunt!

The water smashes over them, bowling them into the moat – except it isn’t WET somehow, more like an ooze or a water balloon surrounding them! They are suddenly deposited in a dark chamber that looks nothing like anything they were around.

Brunt: That’s one way to get us in a prison cell.
DM: Yes. A prison cell with an open door. This is definitely the most effective prison!
Brunt: Stop ruining my moments!
Normilan: Seriously! Crampon! Tink tink! Noose!
Cruroar: I know exactly what to do! The Acme Hang-Myself system!
DM: Roll a Use Rope.
Normilan: I took a 20 on it before we came here, it’s pre-tied.
DM: I’m sorry, Glimmer thought it was a snack and ate it. ‘Oooh, licorice rope!’

Rock Dude thuds to the ground next to him, apparently now the Brave Little Toaster. Lucian squats in the corner for some reason. Normilan casts Light. Giles finds no traps, and the DM sells this in such a way that everyone panics, certain a trap is there. Stepping forward, they find a cross intersection, with square panels at the end of short hallways to each side. Ridiculous music plays.

DM: You’re kind of ruining my atmosphere here.
Normilan: Seriously.

The DM draws this out and minis show up, and everyone investigates the panels. They appear to be big ol’ push panels, and more at the end of more hallways!

Brunt: We have to rotate the entrance room around till we find the way out. Or we just need to latch onto one of wall fixtures while the room rotates on its axle. And the Mode 7 puts us in the part of the castle we need to go to.

The DM claims the buttons are the History Eraser Button. Iron bars show up at the end of the central hall, with a pit behind it. Brunt rolls to muscle the bars out of the way and actually starts to bend bars, but it sounds like he might be breaking a mechanism by doing do!

Brunt: I don’t want to break the Mode 7 on this chamber.
DM: It was a very worthy attempt, you could have gotten it down.
Cruroar: All right, let’s go ahead and spread out, guys, pick a button to press.
Giles: While I’m just sitting here I’m going to check for traps again.
DM: What are you checking for traps, the same button?!
Giles: Pretty much…
DM: THERE’S STILL NO TRAPS!

Brunt and Normilan hang back to provide light, and six characters press six buttons. The bars go down, the pit seals up – and panels seal all six characters in the panel hallways.

DM: I want you all to roll me a d20.
Normilan: Here comes the chlorine gas!
Eilnys: Yay!
Cruroar: Ah, Cruroar, it’s been fun.
Normilan: Quick, Brunt – let’s run!

Cruroar begs for a 1 and gets it. He begins burying his character with inexplicable musical accompaniment.

Normilan: Why is it New Year’s all of a sudden?

The DM distributes cards to all of them and has them read them. Some rolling occurs, and then the panels slide back up, releasing everyone!

Giles: “What the hell just happened?”
Cruroar: “Another easy trap!”
Brunt: “Another – what did you say?”
Cruroar: “An easy trap. For someone of Cruroar’s stature. Come, pet!”
Brunt: (mimes seizing Cruroar)
Cruroar: “Stop! You fool! Why would you do that?! We are comrades! Come! We have a demon to slay!”
DM: The pathway beyond is quite clear. Now that the panels have been pressed, it’s as if nothing could possibly have gone wrong.
Giles: “This sounds too easy.”

They head on, hearing noises up ahead. Brunt asks too many questions and the DM makes him roll a d20. He does so and the DM hands him a card.

Cruroar: It just says ‘shut up’?

The noises continue, including a muttering and weird beast noises.

Cruroar: “Nothing to fear. Not for us.”
Brunt: “Feeling so brave all of a sudden, Cruroar?”
Cruroar: “Has that ever changed?”
Brunt: “No, you’re right! You are the Dragonslayer, the Champion of…”
DM: Noldor.
Eilnys: “The Count of Prole.”
Brunt: “Prole! Yes, Prole.”
Cruroar: “I’m quite proud of such titles.”
Brunt: “You put the heads of your enemies on prole – on poles, in Prole.”
DM: He’s in prime prole position.
Cruroar: YOU DID THAT TO US ALL!
Brunt: And we will return home, and celebrate, with the festive prole-dancers in your chambers! (cackling) Oh, too much fun! “After you, Count.”
Cruroar: “Ah yes, with my eyes I can lead the way.”
DM: (to Eilnys) Hey, you should be sure to become a citizen of Prole.
Eilnys: …why?
DM: You could become a totem prole.

Agony. The DM has to explain the joke to Giles. Brunt lobs a warhammer at Cruroar! They continue to challenge Cruroar, with Normilan joining in.

Brunt: “You’re not complaining! Something’s wrong!”
Normilan: “You’re not usually the prideful sort, Cruroar.”
Brunt: “Well, let’s not give in to flights of fancy…”

Brunt threatens to demolish Cruroar (and claim his county?). The DM notes that no one else is acknowledging all this at ALL, and on they head! They hear lots of animal noises now, which they misidentify as chocobos somehow.

DM: You’ve found a black-and-white chocobo. To the best of your knowledge. (stage-whispering to the others) He found an ostrich!

They tentatively follow Cruroar’s lead, into a sort of prison/cage complex. Normilan advises caution!

Normilan: “Perhaps an errant hand or tentacle might come out.”
DM: A errant finger emerges from the bars. ‘Phone hooooome…’
Normilan: ‘Oh go suck your own dick.’
DM: (miming ET’s neck extending, then bending) He DOES! And forgets everything else.
Brunt: He could just float out of his cell.
DM: Unfortunately, they put in a clever trap to prevent him doing that. His cell is just as high as his head in its lowered state. (miming ET extending his head and bonking it on the ceiling repeatedly)

Inside, they see an owlbear, and a griffin in another one. A giant, a troll, a deep pool, an empty one, a spider… They try to address the giant, who mutters madness under his breath in between asking their questions. Cruroar detects magic!

Cruroar: “I didn’t see anything!”
Giles: Is there a way forward past the cells?
DM: Yes!
Brunt: Is this your plan to put him in a good mood for the evening? Why can’t you do shit like this for me when you eliminate me from combat?!
DM: I wrote, “Cruroar, enjoy youself.” ‘Here’s your card.’ ‘Oh shit, I never tried this before!’
Cruroar: Having fun?!

Brunt and Cruroar jibe over how to find the master of the castle; Quirion points out that last time he was a troll, startling everyone since they’d forgotten he was here. Normilan casts Detect Magic, refusing to admit he’s scanning Cruroar despite the fact that everyone knows he’s doing it. The DM points out that Cruroar has essentially permanent Fly on him from an invocation.

Cruroar: “You’ve been acting funny since we came down here, when I was I was trapped—“
Normilan: Don’t turn this around on us.
Cruroar: Stop, Normilan.
Normilan: Don’t you dare. For a split second I was just like, ‘Brunt, just dungeoncrash him into a wall, get this over with.’
Cruroar: “Come, friends! Let’s continue forwards!”

Brunt grabs and shakes Cruroar, then throttles him! Cruroar puts up an excellent verbal defense of himself!

Cruroar: “Come on!”

Brunt demands Cruroar say the one line that will make him lose his shit, but Cruroar is baffled. It lapses into a Lord of the Rings parody.

Cruroar: “Getting kinda sick here! Stop shaking me – bleeeeh!”
Brunt: I – I slip on the vomit and die.
DM: I’M NOT KRIXXIX!
Brunt: 22 to Intimidate.
Cruroar: You’re going to INTIMIDATE me?! How do I – rebuke my intimidate again?
DM: In this case you rely on the last part of the card.
Cruroar: Oh right.

Cruroar fireballs the party, including himself! Lots of people save and even Evade, even as they see a figure slip out of Cruroar and drift into the wall.

Normilan and Brunt: He’s possessed.
Cruroar: “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GUYS THOUGHT IT WAS ME! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!”
Normilan: “We had it figured the moment you came out.”
Cruroar: “You should have stopped me back then!”
Brunt: Do I normally treat you like a fucking Tickle-Me-Elmo?!

They check to see if Quirion is okay; he is, to their infinite annoyance. Cruroar distributes wand healing to the injured. This takes so long the ghost gets impatient.

DM: “Are you all coming?”
Cruroar: “Yeah!”
Giles: “Could you hold on for a moment? Busy not dying!”
DM: “Oh, that’s rather pointless.”
Cruroar: “We gotta make it a challenge. You don’t want to not have fun, I’m assuming.”
DM: “Eh. I had my fun. And what fun it was. Note to self: Half-orc suspicious and surly. Count of Prole, not brave not bold. Ranger, I haven’t got a read on him yet, don’t think he does anything…”
Lucian: His Wisdom is -2 and his Intelligence is 0.
Brunt: Why is he note-to-selfing a whole monologue that we can hear?
DM: To make you more suspicious in the future the next time I pass out note cards?

Brunt’s expression makes everyone crack up.

Cruroar: I swear, the next time, everyone’s gonna get a blank card.
Brunt: You’ve literally just put us into an Agent Smith situation where he can just hop in and out of people…

The ghost grumbles that he can’t just cast spells as a ghost, then tries to bait them into killing the innocent creatures so he can’t possess them. They wonder if anyone else actually resisted the possession and who can still be possessed. Ethically, they can’t just kill all the beasts…

Brunt: If only Krixxix were here, he’d just wait till we all walked out and then knife the fuck out of all of them.
Lucian: As much as you all hated Krixxix, he never did the evil in FRONT of you. He always tried to keep you away.
Brunt: He ASKED to do it in front of us.
Lucian: He always tried to keep you AWAY from the evil.
Brunt: But he always made sure we knew he intended evil.
DM: ‘Can I torture them?’ ‘No, Krixxix.’ ‘Okay I’ma go over there for about ten minutes with this guy.’
Normilan: ‘That’s not suspicious at all.’

The ghost threatens them with cat-and-mouse, then asks Normilan to shine light further down the corridor.

Brunt: It’s Glimmer.
Cruroar: Oh god.
Normilan: If the DM wants to live tonight he better change that right now.
Cruroar: We pile up all our character sheets and this campaign burns.
DM: It’s Captain Slamhand.

Brunt moves forward to peer ahead with darkvision, and passes a Fortitude save against the ghost’s horrible presence. The ghost lunges into the light, causing everybody to save (and all pass, to the DM’s irritation).

DM: I wish Cruroar had failed his save, he would’ve taken 1d4 points of Strength, Dexterity, and Con damage.
Cruroar: Jesus. Thanks.
Normilan: He would’ve just been on the floor in a coma!

Normilan, wise to the ways of incorporeality, casts Mass Mage Armor to buff the group. With the main bulk of the night’s encounter done, the DM elects to end the night here and begin the proper game of cat-and-mouse when next they meet. They make with some buffing in preparation!