(no subject)

[dragonoflife]

The game opens with a recap of what the heck they were doing: the PCs were here to rescue Hethan Romun from the evil MALEFAX, who had taken up residence in an old Jedi temple here. They had met the Gatekeeper, fought some hunters, and fallen into pits.

Zareq: Boy, that was the PITS, guys!
Nolnaru: Waaaaaaaaah.

The game immediately derails into a discussion of what order the first two trilogies should be watched in, and whether or not Episode 1 is worth watching. The DM attempts to haul them back on track.

Zareq: Jar-Jar? Five lines of dialogue.
Nolnaru: He doesn’t need to exist.
Bremen: He’s a Sith.
Nolnaru: Now in the Clone Wars cartoon…
Kon: Oh my god, please, let’s not talk about that theory.

Bremen furiously fishes for more experience, attempting to interpret the DM’s reminder that they had gained XP as a second award.

Bremen: Has anyone got a quarter portion I can eat?
Zareq: SIXTY PORTIONS.

With Zarshaan absent, the group has no de facto leader, and it immediately begins to disintegrate. They furiously search the ruins for their mentor, but this is ineffective because they’re supposed to be searching the temple for their mentor’s associate.

Nolnaru: We do know we can use the Force. “Let’s use the Force!”
Bremen: ‘The Force doesn’t wort that way!’
Zareq: ‘Let’s use our magic!’
Kon: ‘What do you mean you’re COLD?’
Zareq: ‘YOU’RE cold?!’ I kinda want to change my guy to a Wookie.

The group debates killing the inevitable token human by turning to the Dark Side, then redeeming themselves.

Kon: “Help us.” Bwah. Into a pit. Convenient pit. Pit wasn’t there till we threw him into it.
DM: You just got out of pits!
Zareq: Well this one’s now bottomless.
Nolnaru: Ugh, bottomless pits suck, you starve to death before anything else happens.
Kon: We go down the path.

Off they go, around the lake in the center of the valley. A large cliff dominates the north, with a ledge or terrace atop i.

DM: A river flowing down next to it.
Nolnaru: Hmm, vertical river.
DM: It’s called a waterfall.
Zareq: You dick.
DM: You realize that the river’s path is going to come in front of you, and as you approach—
Zareq: I don’t have Force Jump yet. Better spend those experience points!
DM: You can also spot the temple on the summit of the steep cliffs, right where the waterfall is crashing down into a deep chasm that is separating you from the trail up to it.
Zareq: If I don’t have Force Jump and I get Move high enough, can I move the planet to make me jump?
Kon: What level can we start bringing down Death Stars?

Grumbling that he has to answer this, the DM goes to look up the rules, while the group debates Grievous’s defeat at Mace Windu’s Force-hands. The answer is they can get their Move power up to affect starfighters and light freighters. The bridge over the chasm is being guarded by Advozse mercenaries.

DM: You’ll have to find some way across the bridge to reach the temple.
Nolnaru: Kill the mercenaries. Let me just start shooting randomly with my blaster…

The players debate their plan, after a brief concern that the mercenaries have the higher ground leads to one massive derail yet again.

Nolnaru: “I LOVE YOU! Now to chop off your arm and legs and watch you get caught on fire!”
Kon: I like how he timed that, though. Like he was like, “All right, one-two-three—argh, missed the other one!” Like he wanted all four. Was his body spiraling?
Nolnaru: He jumped up like this, arms and legs out – he jumped out like a dog.

The players debate waiting till night, but the DM points out their time may be limited, which sets them right back to ‘let’s charge them’.

Nolnaru: I didn’t want my arms and legs anyway!

The question arises of what weapons the mercenaries are using. Kon takes it upon himself to make a Perception check, despite the extreme range.

Nolaru: Can I use my Sense Advantage on this, towards him? Once per session I get to add two sets of black dice?
Kon: You want to ADD black dice?
DM: Black dice are bad.
Nolnaru: They are? Oh.
Zareq: So DO you?
Kon: You throw a rock at me for some reason.
Nolnaru: I told you to charge them!

Kon rolls! Then they debate for a while about how the hell to interpret the dice, this being the Fantasy Flight system with success, failure, advantage, and threat… Kon spots their blaster pistols. The DM rolls a Perception check for the mercs.

Bremen: Someone saw you but they thought you were a wampa.
Zareq: (singing) ‘I’m a waaaaampa!”

Kon ducks down! The rest of the PCs may or may not just be standing there despite this, but nevertheless they’re all too far away to engage anyway. The PCs darkly anticipate the mercenaries on the far end of the bridge whipping out sniper rifles.

DM: I remind you that stimpacks become less effective the more you use in a given day.
Zareq: Can’t we just apply addiction rules or something? Let’s make this a little bit of Fallout.

The guards relax, and Nolnaru attempts to charge, but is stopped by the actual reality of the situation. The group elects to sneak forward to a better engagement range.

Nolnaru: How about we lie to them and try to pretend that we were sent over by what’s-his-face from the other temple. ‘He caught some Jedi! He wants you to go down there and help!’
Kon: Listen, man, I want you think about your record of sneaking—
Nolnaru: I didn’t say I’M lying, dude.
Kon: Your fucking record withstanding. Your record just barely beats out Iglar’s, which is FUCKING TERRIBLE. I TOLD THOSE TWO TO USE THEIR FEMININE CHARM TO GET TO THE GUY, NOT CAST INVISIBILITY AND TRY TO SNEAK PAST THE GUARDS IN THE ONE FUCKING SPACE HALLWAY! Fucking – just use the feminine charms! Just do it! God damn it, Iglar.
Nolnaru: And then there’s me. “I’m going to sneak into this room. HEY I’M TRYING TO SNEAK IN HERE! NOBODY WATCH!” I rolled a natural 1.

Zareq discovers he has Stealth and is delighted. Dice pools are assembled, and Zareq is up first. He scores no successes but some advantage. The guards notice this, but apparently think it’s just an animal. Zareq earns a boost on his next Stealth check, and tries again – achieving the exact same result.

Zareq: …moo?
DM: You lose the boost die at this point.
Kon: Finally, some successes!
Zareq: But something bad happens.

Zareq makes it to long range by eating a strain, and Kon finds himself with a setback die. He too suffers a strain as he slips forward. Nolnaru promptly succeeds with threat!

DM: You guys are leaving the most obvious trail in the world behind you.
Zareq: It’s just a furrow of snow.
DM: And at this point the guards are watching what they’re convinced has to be some sort of animal.

Bremen is unable to move and suffers a setback on his next stealth attempt, suffers a strain on his next attempt, and finally fails terribly but with advantage.

Zareq: I’m never running this game. I’ll understand it eventually but I’ll never run it.
DM: You sort of trip forwards. As you attempt to regain your footing, you end up doing what appears to be a calm and dignified walk from your hiding spot. You are clearly visible to them, but for the moment, rather than looking as if you’ve been hiding or anything, you look like you’ve just emerged and are approaching them at a sedate pace. You can continue to pick this up if you want, or stop.
Nolnaru: Play it off. Keep going. We got your back!

Nolnaru tries to claim he never sneaked forward, and gets called on this. Bremen continues forward, while the other PCs try to keep sneaking – and fail, but their competent evaluation of the situation scores Zareq a strain back.

Kon: (despairingly hysterical) We’re never gonna MOVE anywhere!

Indeed, Kon is unable to move forward, but Nolnaru gets a boost die which he promptly fails to make use of.

Kon: You can’t do good at this game!
DM: You’re just having bad luck, guys. You jerk forwards, catch your foot on a rabbit hole, and suffer a strain, unable to move. You have reached medium range at this point. Their blasters are in their hands, but they’re not lifting them hostilely. One of them lifts his voice. “Turn back! None may approach!”
Zareq: None shall pass!
Nolnaru: You must answer me these questions three.
Bremen: You make me sad.
Nolnaru: ‘I’m sorry, was this not the way to the gym?’
Kon: ‘I thought this was the GUN SHOW!’
Zareq: ‘You guys need tickets?’
DM: ‘Tickets to what?’
Zareq: (posing) ‘THE GUN SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!’

Bremen decides to make a plea for shelter, refusing to argue IC for fear of getting a boost die.

Bremen: Yeah, the boost die will have 2 TIE fighter symbols.
DM: It doesn’t have ANY!
Zareq: It’s got blanks, though.
Bremen: It’s got blanks, which might as well be…

Bremen ponders his potential lies: snow wolves and snow rabbits attacked an ally; he is a fellow mercenary; he is a Wookie prisoner. Zareq and Kon test the dice in the background and roll incredibly badly. The mercenaries inquire who Bremen is; he promptly takes five or ten straight minutes to think of a lie.

Kon: We could have had a weaponized C-3P0 on our team?

Tasteless jokes are made. Shock. Bremen claims to be the Dwead Piwate Wobewts, then claims to be another mercenary sent by Malefax. He gains a boost die for the namedrop and scores awesome successes.

Bremen: I should have marched up there saying I was a Sith Lord.
Nolnaru: You marched up there! The guy got so shocked by you coming up with such force that he slipped and fell off the cliff.
DM: No. The two of the mercs look at you, appraising the fact that you’re openly carrying a weapon, then nods, one of them motions with his pistol. “Malefax is at the temple. I’m sure he’ll want to give you orders. Head on up.”
Zareq: Move along.
Bremen: Well? Are you all watching closely what’s happening?
Zareq: ‘Heeeeey…’
Bremen: That’s not what I meant!
DM: ‘He’s turned on us!’
Zareq: Oh, I’m sorry… ‘TRAITOR!’
Bremen: See ya! I’ll have a cup of space-cocoa and some fuzzy slippers in the temple…
Zareq: Me and Malefax, all BFFs.
Bremen: This is much better than conehead Force ghost was giving me.
DM: The Dark Side has hot chocolate.
Bremen: Marshmallows means I’ll kill little kids, too.
DM: Easy there, Kylo.

Kon attempts to suggest a plan to the others, but being face-first in the snow still for some reason, he is unable to communicate with them effectively. Bremen, cheerfully acknowledging he has no way to speak to the others, nonetheless gives them the plan of him attacking the far guys while they attack the near ones. Bremen ponders if he can manage to buy the other PCs a chance to cross, while Zareq tries to sneak forward and suffers a strain in the process. Kon attempts a stealth roll and gets annihilated by the dice, taking a setback on the next attempt and being unable to move forward. Nolnaru tries!

DM: …you guys are rolling like SHIT tonight!
Bremen: This is exactly how we rolled the first time. Before we got into combat.

Making the whole thing worse, Zareq has no ranged weapon and Bremen has reached the other side of the bridge. He hurriedly ponders his options.

Bremen: I’m just trusting to the Force to take care of things.
Zareq: As a good Jedi should.
Kon: He looks back as soon as he attacks -- (miming their ship leaving the planet, complete with the completely wrong theme song)
DM: Apparently carrying ET.
Bremen: Well, I’m in good with this crowd, I might as well stay and put my feet up.
DM: You just put a sword through one!

Bremen contemplates the rules for Force pulling one of the blasters away from a guard. Meanwhile, in the spirit of scientific analysis, Zareq and Kon roll dice in response to hypothetical challenges. They do as well as they expect.

Zareq: We are cursed. FUCKING SHIT! BUT SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS!
Nolnaru: Critical failure. But the guy blinked!

Bremen rolls well on the Force die, and flips a blaster pistol into the chasm. The rules for initiative, as usual, prompt chaos and confusion.

DM: You guys were expecting fights. You make Cool checks.
All: (laughter)
Kon: Yeah! I put my glasses on! Yayuh!

The concept of ‘Cool’ is mocked vigorously as the PCs roll for initiative. Kon, the first to act, maneuvers forward into range and fires his blaster.

Kon: Bad things. So my stray bullet strikes you upside the back of your head, blowing your brains out.
DM: You take a strain, that’s all.

Zareq burns strain to get an extra maneuver to engage the mercs, launching into melee combat with one. A couple of rules errors become apparent here in retrospect, but oh well… Zareq hits with his sword, dealing a couple of wounds. Nolnaru fires his heavy blaster, but the DM burns a Dark Side point to upgrade his difficulty.

Nolnaru: (looking at the red die) What’s this?
DM, Kon, and Zareq: Critical failure.
Nolnaru: Aww, dude. Come on.
Kon: You roll that, we can just stop and play board games.
Zareq: There’s critical success, but we’ve never rolled one of these.

Nolnaru rolls, and everyone watches the red die with trepidation. It comes up… blank.

Zareq: Niiice.
Bremen: It kept rolling too, it kept going.

The players demand Episode 7 bowcasters, although bowcasters are pretty badass. Bremen slashes a merc for a few wounds.

DM: The one that you disarmed draws a vibroknife from his belt.
Nolnaru: A VIBRATOR.
Kon: Obviously the airport did not catch that vibrator in his bag.
DM: I don’t know WHAT you guys are thinking.

The group argues over the relative wealth of Smaug vs. Scrooge McDuck, while the merc stabs at Bremen but misses. He applies a boost die to his blaster-wielding friend, and said blaster takes Bremen point-blank in the chest, leading him to fill out his last will and testament. Another merc fires point-blank at Zareq, but misses! The other one shoots at Zareq – and hits!

Zareq: Of course he’s rolling really well for his guys.
DM: You are going to take 9 from that shot to your back.

Kon takes out a mercenary, and Zareq chops the other one. Nolnaru races forward to punch a dude.

Zareq: (as lame as possible) Hi-yah!

Bremen and Zareq collapse into helpless laughter at this. Nolaru scores no less than 6 successes, punching the dude clean out. The battle gets all Turtles-in-Time-y. Bremen makes his strike, coming up with a success and three advantages, rolling a crit that prevents his opponent from spending strain for the rest of the combat. The merc misses his shot but gives his friend a boost die.

DM: Your sword his hand wide and his blaster pistol shoots off into the sky. They’re not as good with vibroknives, though – oh, but he hit you but good.
Bremen: He crits me!
DM: No, he hits you real good.
Bremen: Four advantage, he can’t crit?
DM: He doesn’t have four advantage, he has four successes.
Bremen: Oh. Right.

The DM realizes he missed a die upgrade, but the increased challenge die he rerolls does nothing. Bremen takes 7, with some of his soak not applying!

Kon: When Ben Affleck was chosen as Batman, Obi-Won felt as if a million voices cried out and were suddenly silenced.

Kon spends two maneuvers to use Force March (hur hur) and get a shot off at one of the people in melee. He misses, despite spending a Destiny Point, and refuses to ever use one again! Zareq bemoans his short Force Move range, hurries forward to GET into range, then rolls a Dark Side point and debates his options.

Kon: I feel like this is going to hurt us.
Zareq: I guess not.
DM: I’ll put it to you this way. Your friend has been hurt. Anger surges through you and you feel that you have the power to do this if only you give into this! But this is a righteous anger. To defend your friend. What’s your in-character choice? It’s up to Zareq what he does…
Bremen: Blood of Azrai.
Nolnaru: No, Zareq, that’s what I do! I give in.

Zareq uses the Dark Side! The vibroknife squirts out of the merc’s hands.

DM: He lets out a shriek of dismay!
Kon: And pulls out his frying pan! His vibro-frying pan.
Bremen: The DM will preface his attack by saying, “oh, but these guys aren’t very good with the frying pan. Five successes! And three advantages!”

Nolnaru fires, rolling a Triumph but no successes to accomplish anything with it. One of the mercs ends up dropping prone to avoid the blast. A large debate over Luke’s lightsaber-construction skills erupts for no good reason. Bremen hits despite declaring reflexively that he misses, then the unarmed guy furiously attempts to punch him.

Bremen: He hit me! He still hit me!

Down goes Bremen! His crit disorients him, or according to Nolnaru, Confunds him. Kon shoots that guy! Nonlaru follows up with a sword.

DM: With a yell he cries and crumples bonelessly to the ground.
Nolnaru: Bonelessly! Your attack sucked all the bones out of his body.
DM: Nolnaru!
Nolnaru: Is there still a fight going on? He just knocked that guy out…
DM: There is still one guy left, if you choose to surrender to him, that works out…
Nolnaru: Mmmm, no.

Nolnaru fires his blaster gangster style, blowing the weapon out of the guy’s hand. The group is horrified!

DM: Believe me, this is far to your advantage!
Zareq: Not the way they’ve been rolling with the vibroknife.
Bremen: Yeah, I don’t know, they’ve done most of their damage with vibroknives…
Nolnaru: “Three of your friends are dead and I just shot the blaster out of your hand, SURRENDER, dumbass!”
DM: He is taking a maneuver… THAT WAY!
Zareq: Does he strain himself?
DM: No, he’ll die.
Nolnaru: Shoot him in the back! SHOOT HIM IN THE BACK!
Kon: (unenthused) We have to stop them from alerting the others.

The DM vows not to give them Conflict for shooting the guy in the back. They chase after him!

Zareq: So I can go in and engage. Be like ‘hey buddy, what’s up?’
DM: You running him down from behind?
Zareq: Yep. I’ll be like… (miming impaling the guy, then leaning in with a maniacal expression) ‘Doesn’t that feel nice?’
Bremen: The blood of Azrai is so very satisfying…
DM: I WILL give you Conflict for that.

Bremen bitterly predicts that the merc will turn around and one-shot Zareq.

Bremen: I swear, disarming enemies in Force and Destiny is like removing Frieza’s outer body armor. You’re not doing yourself a favor. ‘Oop, my vibroblade’s gone, might as well fire up this lightsaber.’
Kon: You shoot the blaster out of his hands, he’s like, “I have four different weapons to choose from!”
Bremen: And each one does more damage than the last!
Nolnaru: Oh my gosh, you sound like a Final Fantasy boss! After I beat your ass down, you’re gonna come back tougher.
DM: They are so much worse with their vibroblades, too, though.
Kon: What are you talking about?! Maybe skill on the sheet they are, but he was doing a pretty awesome job stabbing his ass up!
Bremen: This is gonna force me to take Dark Side powers just to keep myself from dying every encounter.
DM: I want everyone to make a Discipline or Cool check.
Nolnaru: Cool. Do I get to lean up against a pillar?
Kon: I CAN’T TAKE THAT SKILL SERIOUSLY AT ALL!

At some point the last merc was defeated, so the PCs recover strain with their check. Bremen gets stimpacked, and then they discover he apparently wasn’t applying soak the entire time. Or maybe he was. It’s unclear.

Nolnaru: Can we search the bodies?
Kon: We already knocked their loot all over the place!
Nolnaru: They’re unconscious, right? I am going to strip them down and let them freeze to death outside. I’m like Batman, dude. I’m not going to kill you but I don’t have to save you.
DM: I will give you Conflict for that. You can salvage a couple of blaster pistols and vibroknives from them.
Nolnaru: I’ll take those, I’ll sell them. Who was writing down loot on the last one?
Kon: We didn’t get any loot.
Bremen: In the pits that we ended up in last session, we found ice. That was our treasure.
DM: You found enlightenment down there.
Bremen: Unfortunately, you trade in your loot blasters to GameStop, and you only get two credits.

The group roasts GameStop for a while, then consider their options. They head for the path, checking for traps apparently; Nolnaru insists on murdering the mercs but the DM isn’t paying attention. Kon deploys his foresight power!

DM: The image that comes to you is of flashing teeth, snarling. The edge is sort of a hazy cloud. Snap, snap, as if something is trying to surround you. Then from behind, snap, snap. The vision fades.
Nolnaru: I have a feeling that if I go that route, the DM’s going to pick on me.
DM: Nolnaru, do whatever makes a good story.
Nolnaru: This doesn’t really make a good story, this is just be being vengeful and fightful.
DM: So, your character having very poor control over their emotions and stuff, and risking the Dark Side, is perfectly in character and reasonable. In-character, you’re not someone who has real knowledge of the Force. You have a mentor who teaches you these things, but you also know that anger gives you power.

Considering their options, the PCs spot a village on the edge of the lake in a different direction, and also debate climbing the mountain versus going up the path. The actual disposition of the mercenaries is discussed, till the DM backs the conversation up to deal with this directly.

Zareq: Are you actually doing this?
Nolnaru: Yes. I am tying them up and stripping him bare and leaving them to the elements.
Zareq: I’m going to use my Force power to push him off the bridge.
Nolnaru: And Zareq gets Conflict for pushing them off the bridge.
Bremen: I thought he meant pushing YOU off the bridge.
Zareq: You’re going with them.
Bremen: I’m going to use my Move to grap his weapon off of him as he goes over.
DM: Maybe you should try using your words first, Zareq…
Zareq: He doesn’t understand words!

The DM backs this up yet again to address the situation, as Zareq attempts to talk him down. They hit upon the idea of taking the guys to the village and turning them in! …by dragging them, in absent of any other way. Kon, however, begins to develop a headache as he approaches.

DM: The influence of negative energy is strong here. The voices in front of you are in turmoil.
Kon: “Hold friends. I’m sensing something dangerous ahead of us. A powerful influence.”
Nolnaru: Let’s use Force powers to make them walk in front of us, to soak up whatever comes.
Zareq: Rock to the back of your head.

Kon rolls Dark Side on the Force die, and spends the destiny point to use his power. Angrily, he forces the vision through, detecting that the influence of Malefax in the temple is corrupting the valley.

Kon: “I think we should probably head to the temple first. I don’t trust the people here… they’re badly affected by the power of the temple. I sense it.”
Bremen: “Strange that I do not.”
Zareq: “He seems to be a little more sensitive.”
Nolnaru: His feelings get hurt easily.
Kon: I’m sorry, my fucking class has no fucking skills!
Bremen: In Kon’s defense, he wanted to go to the temple anyway, and the DM forced the options on him!
DM: He has Foresee, what am I gonna do, NOT let him hear a bunch of voices crying out in terror and falling silent?
Bremen: He didn’t care about the village, he’s like, ‘Let’s go to the temple,’ and you’re like, ‘No, do not go to the temple! Do these other things instead!’
Kon: Look right here! Not a single fighting talent is in my class!
DM: Kon angrily explains that he can’t fight.
Kon: Blanks! Blanks! Blanks! I have Perception, I have Streetwise, I have Viligance…
Bremen: Viligance? I will trust to his Viligance to carry us forward to the temple. And trust that he is not the Viligance idiot.

This joke takes out the DM for a bit. The group ponders the morality of going to the village and potentially having to slay innocents to defend themselves. Nolnaru is, of course, in favor.

Nolnaru: Nothing says ‘obey me’ like a head on a pike!illage and potentially having to slay innocents to defend themselves. Nolnaru is, of course, in favor.

Nolnaru: Nothing says ‘obey me’ like a head on a pike!
Kon: You’re not going to go – you’re not going to be like, ‘I’m a Jedi who protects the innocent.’ ‘You’re a Sith now.’ ‘I will murder children.’ Good guy – child murderer! It’s just a switch, a big lever! There’s fucking Stormtroopers battling out against expert Jedi, he’s skipping – he’s walking past them all.
Zareq: (really stupid voice) “In my opinion the Jedi are evil!”

The DM desperately tries to get the game back on track, though the players resist and continue to discuss this choice. Nolnaru cuts the bonds on the mercs and leaves them to choose what they do when they wake up, after putting one’s hand on the other’s butt.

Nolnaru: We’re gonna have them naked and when they wake up, they’ll be like, ‘What did we do?’ Can we put some empty alcohol bottles around them?
Kon: WHERE DID YOU GET THEM?!
DM: ANYWAY you’re headed for the temple!
Zareq: That was like three tangents in a row.
DM: I know…
Zareq: Nonstop.
DM: (mournfully) I know. You’re heading for the temple! For the love of god, we could have finished this game tonight!
Zareq: Are you really surprised? How long has it been since we’ve actually roleplayed?
Kon: We have to get it out of our Simps—system.

Zareq accurately predicts the trancriber’s hatred, the way one might predict gravity or time. Heading up the path, they spot icewolves maddened by the Dark Side in the plaza in front of the temple. Aware from the vision that more might be sneaking up behind them, they contemplate how to get in.

Zareq: So stealth is not an option.
DM: It might be.
Zareq: It might be.
Kon: No! No. We have discovered our stealth abilities earlier.
Nolnaru: I say we just kill the three in front of us.

They ponder plans to distract the beasts or get past them without immediate murder. Well, most of them do.

Nolnaru: I got an idea. Let’s go back and get the four guys that are unconscious –
Zareq: No.
Nolnaru: Damn it.
Zareq: You made your decision on that. We’re not using them for fodder.
Kon: We see the convenient pigs.

Laughter and reminiscences of MEAT on LEGS. Tinted with slight remorse. Zareq decides to attempt to sneak up and promptly rolls Despair on the dice.

DM: Pressing yourself up against the side of the path, Zareq creeps forward… bumps a loose rock. It clatters down the cliff face, and keeps clattering. More and more pick up as it rolls down.
Zareq: Did I cause an avalanche?
Bremen: You destroyed the village.
Zareq: Oh god no!

…Initiative. The DM points out that both the plaza and hunting packs now have to close, and the group realizes this might actually work for them. Bremen, up first, rolls – and scores both a Triumph and a disadvantage as well as hitting. These are a minion group, so he goes for the crit, dropping one icewolf and damaging another. Kon fires into melee, blasting away the remaining two wolves.

Bremen: ‘I LIKE this gun… hey, can I try that?’
Nolnaru: Wait, why didn’t you take a blaster pistol that we picked off those mercs?
Zareq: I don’t want to touch a filthy blaster…
Bremen: Some of us have STANDARDS.

The next path runs around the path, and the DM suggests Zareq throw a snowball. The seriousness of his suggestion is debated. Nolnaru misses his shot, and then Zareq burns some strain to engage. The DM upgrades his difficulty, because he can, but Zareq unloads a crit into their midsts and hacks down some dogs but good.

Bremen: I feel bad for these creatures. It’s not their fault there’s a Dark Side user…
DM: Still maddened—
Nolnaru: Ha ha, JOHN Maddened!
Kon: ‘Usually the party without hit points is the loser!’
Bremen: ‘Usually the creatures in the most pieces are the one who lose the game!’

Zareq takes 2 damage after soak from an icewolf bite, as the puppy loses some teeth. Bremen uses strain to close and strike, after which Zareq attacks!

Bremen: Coup de grasse Tyson! Coup de grasse Tyson the Next Generation!
DM: So what’s your damage total?
Zareq: Three… six…
Bremen: Total damage is dead pack. Dead pack, DM, that’s the total damage.
DM: It might not be.
Zareq: 10 damage.
DM: It is.

They approach the temple, and at this, Kon catches sight of the picture of their enemy from the encounter book.

Kon: Oh man, look at the gun show!
Bremen: Hey, it’s a Devaronian! I don’t think those were in any of the books.
DM: Approaching the entrance, you hear a strangled scream from within the temple. Good for you.
Nolnaru: Yaaaay.
DM: Peering within, you see a small antechamber that opens to side chambers to the left and right and winds into a large assembly hall deeper in, lit by brilliant shafts of sunlight from up above. Romun lies against a pillar within the assembly hall, a horned Advozse mercenary standing over her with a blaster.
Nolnaru: Is she hot?

Silence.

Nolnaru: I’m just saying that’ll make me fight harder.
Zareq: It’ll make my pants tighter!
Nolnaru: STRAIN!
DM: You can hear shouting and screaming from a chamber to the side. “NOTHING!” the voice cries. “The archive is empty! Just a bunch of useless scrolls and tablets! Where is the holocron?!” A red-skinned figure with two sharp horns on his forehead strides into view and points a wicked serrated sword at Romun. This must be Malefax. “Tell me or I’ll skin you alive!”
Kon: “NOT SO FAST!” I want some extra Cool points. “Not so fast, DEVARONIAN!”
Zareq: Bremen and I are on either side of you, brandishing our sword symmetrically, Nolnaru goes through his legs. “HA HA!”
Bremen: Behind us, the rising sun of Japan. We are.. FORCE GINYU!

The DM hauls them back to the combat, and away from the visual. Given their engagement, that’s initiative!

Bremen: You just stepped on Malefax’s moment. You’ve just acquired our party nemesis.
DM: To be fair, he was about to stalk off again, so not really.

Initiative rules get confused. Nolnaru eagerly anticipates using cortosis gauntlets on people. They start slotting people into initiative, and Nolnaru is first to act, shooting the mercenary. He rolls a Triumph!

DM: You could shoot the blaster pistol out of his hand.
Kon: He’ll just whip out his vibroblade.
Bremen: And stab for more damage.

The shot winds the mercenary, spoiling his ability to use strain. This leads to a long debate over the complete nonmenacingness of helmetless Kylo Ren. The DM grabs a pair of dice.

Kon: He’s using Force dice. And he has two of them.
DM: Nice, and he rolls well too. Malefax makes a swift cutting gesture with his hand—
Nolnaru: And beheaded the person we were trying to save.
DM: With a sharp rumble a large pillar collapses, crumbling across the entrance chamber. A massive cloud of rock dust and powder fills the air, cutting off your vision with any clarity.
Zareq: Game terms?
DM: You’re gonna be suffering visual penalties.

Kon lunges into the room through the cloud to shoot the mercenary, rolls badly on his proficiency die, and gets absolutely livid. Zareq sprints into the room as well, to find that Malefax has bolted into a side room, so he swaps targets to the mercenary.

DM: You reach forward and slash at him. He dodges back with a yelp, and the blaster clatters down to the floor.
Bremen: Uh oh, out comes the vibroblade!
DM: Out comes -- (miming a lightsaber activation)
Kon: A six foot tall purple dildo bat.
Bremen: With crossguard.
Kon: They call it the Blue Baller.

The merc does indeed draw his vibroblade and stabs at Zareq, dealing minor damage, and then Bremen scoots forward.

Kon: According to this book, if I had taken the Heavy Smoker perk, I’d have been fine in this cloud. “Oh this ain’t nothin’. I’ve smoked thicker than this!’

Bremen cuts down the mercenary, recovering some strain in the process.

DM: He drops to the floor in a heap of armor and vibroknife.
Bremen: His skin all disappeared, he’s a Force ghost now!
DM: The knife begins to clatter across the floor as it fails to disengage.
Bremen: That thing – I’m going to move it. Under a pillar, just so it can’t come near me.
DM: From the long hallway that leads to the antechamber you guys are in, a mercenary leans out and fires a bolt at Nolnaru!

Zareq predicts the mercenary has a disintegrating disrupter pistol, but the merc only manages to shoot away Nolnaru’s blaster.

Nolnaru: “ BAD MOVE, BUDDY!”
Bremen: Oh, you still have the loot pistols.
Nolnaru: Oh yeah. I am so taking 2 strain to get to melee with him so I can beat him to death with my bare hands.

Nolnaru rolls awesome, getting 3 successes and 3 advantage. His crit is absolutely terrible, dealing only 1 wound. Malefax springs out of the side room, charging down Zareq with a rising sword uppercut. The DM and Zareq both flip Destiny Pool points.

DM: “Your skills are INSUFFICIENT!”
Kon: Well, not really…
Zareq: He still hits me.
DM: 2 successes and he suffers a strain.
Kon: But he’s a hero…
DM: So he actually has strain to burn.
Zareq: Well, that’s not good.
DM: So you take 7 damage and your soak is reduced by 2 from his piercing ability.
Zareq: So that brings me down to 2 hit points.
DM: And then, spending 2 strain to take another maneuver, he kicks off your chest and somersaults back into the room he came from.
Nolnaru: ….that’s kinda cool.
Zareq: Kind of a douchebag move.
Nolnaru: But it looks cool.
DM: Kon.
Kon: KHAAAAAAAAN!

Kon runs in to cover the area, firing a shot off at Malefax who is behind some cover, and at last gains some benefit from his darkness vision. Bremen accurately predicts that every roll in this combat will result in both sides flipping a point.

DM: You take out a huge chunk of the intervening wall. The rubble explodes outwards, leaving him more exposed as he staggers back, flicking a rock out of the air with his sword.
Kon: I like the idea of him standing like this with the wall here, I blow up the wall behind him, he’s just like, “Oh. This cover’s kind of useless now.”
DM: “That’s a thing,” he says.

The mercenary briefly tries to stab Zareq, but then they remember he’s been dropped. Bremen advances forward and locks sword with Malefax, dealing 4 damage to him. The merc fires blindly at Nolnaru as he runs, but Nolnaru adds 2 setback dice to him. The merc still gets enough advantage to scramble away and land the hit. Nolnaru burns strain to catch up, and rolls well!

DM: You charge forward. He tries to duck out of the way, throws himself against the wall. You slam your fist into him. The wall gives way behind him and crumbles. You find yourself looking into the library, seeing the back of Malefax from the other room that he’s in.
Nolnaru: (orgasmically) Ahhhh that’s my two advantage!
Bremen: You pulled a Brunt. You dungeoncrashed him. Now you’re flanking the Sith.
DM: “Well. This took an interesting turn.”
Nolnaru: Of course.
DM: He doesn’t want to be flanked!

They flip Destiny Points, but Malefax rolls incredibly well.

Nolnaru: Come on! How is it advantage to me to punch a hole in the wall and find Malefax? How does that give me advantage?!
Zareq: You’re like, “Ha ha – awwwww.”
DM: You thought it was awesome until he attacked you. So four successes… you take 9 damage, your soak is reduced by 2.
Kon: Roll the crit table, I guess… unless you’re going to disarm him.
Nolnaru: He can’t, I’m wearing gauntlets!
Kon: Right, he’s going to take your arm off.
DM: He slashes, spins around, puts his elbow into you, and slams you into the hole you just generated. Your larger frame gets stuck.
Kon: In the hole.
Nolnaru: I just punched a huge hole in the wall, big enough for him to jump through and cut me, but not big enough for me to fall back through.
DM: Yes, because he rolls a Triumph. You won’t be stuck for long, but you’re jammed briefly as he takes off down the hall, giggling to himself madly.
Nolnaru: Yeah, I bet he is.
Zareq: Well, we went from ‘that was cool’ to ‘you asshole’.

Kon frees Hethan Romun, and then the DM finally breaks down and draws a rough diagram. Kon moves further into the temple to try to intercept Malefax. No, then Zareq frees Romun, who is in bad shape but not so bad that she cannot escape. Someone angrily has the high ground.

Nolnaru: And since there’s no lava, I’m just going to set you on fire. Since there’s no lava? Molotov cocktail.
Kon: (whimpering)
Bremen: He’s gone off after Malefax.
Zareq: I’ll probably go the same way… no, actually…
Bremen: Malefax has cut off all the power.
Zareq: To the wadar woom.

The players debate their options to deal with this tricky foe. Nolnaru ponders going back for his blaster, but instead cracks out a loot blaster.

DM: Glancing over his shoulder, Malefax sees you pulling out the weapon. “Really?”
Nolnaru: ‘That is so uncivilized!’
DM: “I can do uncivilized.” (miming drawing a blaster and firing)
Nolnaru: What the fuck, dude?
Bremen: He’s got a Magnum.
Nolnaru: This guy’s great! He uses blasters too? Can he take me as a Padawan?

The Destiny Point flipping ensues, and Nolnaru drops, taking a Discouraging Wound crit. Everyone gets a laugh out of this. Malefax continues down the hallway and the group ponders what they’ve heard. Kon leans forward to peer around a corner and runs straight into Malefax who was doing the same. Kon rolls!

All: Awwwwwww.
Nolnaru: One good thing happened.
Kon: I was like, huh? I shot him, I put my hand and my foot on the wall and just threw myself back. I used 2 strain for the extra move but it was only one in the end because I recovered one.
DM: He does a diving tumble, flipping underneath the blaster bolt and coming up, looking very surprised nonetheless.
Kon: We learn stuff from the villain. “Oh, what, where -- we can do a move afterwards? Fuck yeah!”

Zareq scrambles forward, rolling three successes on the villain and dealing a fair amount of damage. Bremen charges up in turn.

DM: “Like rats from a sinking ship!”
Kon: “You’re the one sinking!”

Bremen rolls no successes but three advantage, and he contemplates which weapon to disarm. He chooses to disarm the sword. Malefax disengages and Force Moves the sword back to his hand, then takes off in the other direction.

Bremen: He’s going to fall down a staircase and break his neck.
Nolnaru: So he’s standing over my unconscious corpse.
DM: Luckily he seems to have forgotten all about you.

Bremen repeats his assertion a dozen times, but Kon shoots the sword out of his hand AGAIN, followed by Zareq disarming his blaster!

Kon: We’re just getting rid of weapons left and right!
Bremen: The next bad guy we encounter will be juggling weapons. On his turn he’ll catch one and fire and swing! Then just keep juggling. That’s his Force power! As we yank them away he just adds another one to his rotation!

Bremen engages and deals a point of damage. Nolnaru drools. And twitches. Malefax ducks through the hole in the wall.

DM: With a sudden crash, a large shelf from inside that room slams up inside that hole, shattering and blocking it.
Kon: All right, well, he’s blocked up the hole. I know earlier my blaster did fairly well at blowing out a hole, will it work in this situation?
DM: I’ll let you try it, although really that may be more attributed to the failing state of the temple then the specific power of your blaster, but you’re free to take a shot and see how it turns out.
Zareq: Can we pick up Nolnaru’s corpse and use him as a battering ram?
Nolnaru: MORALITY!
Zareq: “I dunno if you can hear me, buddy, but keep your neck straight!”

Zareq rolls Dark Side points, flips a Destiny Point and takes a Conflict to use one, then scoots past Malefax to flank him. Kon, who had been running down the hallway, turns and starts running back.

DM: Good, there always has to be a comic interlude in the middle of the fight.

Bremen strikes Malefax and lands a crit on him, knocking him on his ass. Malefax curses them.

DM: “Is this all you have for me? Petty indinigities?!” (miming stabbing, complete with vibroknife sound effects) Are you upgrading him?
Zareq: Let’s assume at this point…

Zareq takes 5 damage from this stab, and then Kon pushes himself forward to shoot Malefax. The combat has gotten messy.

Zareq: It’s just gonna be me and him going -- (miming beating on a dude) -- till he’s dead. It’s like two guys with sticks beating on a dude.
DM: Hey, he’s got a knife now.
Bremen: I hope he does survive just so I can have the satisfaction of lightsabering him later.

Kon fails to shoot his ally and rolls enough advantage to – disarm Malefax again. The group loses it.

Bremen: He’s gonna run out of bodies to loot at this rate! He’s gonna go to pick up something – “Ah, never mind.”
Kon: He’s gonna escape, he’s sitting on his ship. “Finally away from those douche bags.” Reaches for his coffee mug. Ping!
DM: You’re abusing him. I feel bad.
Zareq: It’s not OUR fault. We’re just using the rules to our advantage.
Bremen: He goes to flush the toilet – nope! Someone’s waiting! To take it away from you! Or he goes to wipe, even better. No toilet paper for you!

Zareq, up next, rolls Triumph and Despair both on his roll. The two of them spar vigorously, dueling! Malefax hurls a shelf at him; Zareq deflects it and flings Malefax back through a pillar, taking him down.

Kon: I call that a victory, boys!
Bremen: Except….
DM: And then the ceiling collapses from the pillar you guys took out.
Zareq: Oh.
DM: Everybody who’s in the room needs to make an Athletics check to get out.
Bremen: Did Zareq just kill all of us?
Zareq: Yeah!

Zareq scoops up Bremen and they dive out of the way, somehow managing to kill their ally in the process. The group notes that so separated from Malefax’s body, he will probably escape somehow.

Nolnaru: Son of a bitch! I lost my blaster.
Zareq: It wasn’t in that room.
Nolnaru: Oh, it was in the antechamber! Yes! Would somebody do me a favor, when you pick up my body, will you grab my blaster too?
Zareq: There’s some mercenaries that might wanna think different about that.
Nolnaru: You know what? That’s their problem.

CREDITS MUSIC!