(no subject)

[dragonoflife]

The game opens with the characters returning to heaven, after defeating the evil poker gnome!

Bellrill: But none of us got stuck in a chair with marbles shoved up our ass.

A long pause.

DM: With – what?
Karmus: What are you going ON about?
Bellrill: Huh? What are you guys – what?
DM: You said marbles?
Bellrill: I didn’t say anything.

The DM finishes distributing rewards to the PCs from their masterful card play, mostly in the form of items…

DM: Yes, Krenalket’s in possession of a third eye now.
Karmus: We receive his skeleton and his soul in a jar.
Krenalket: Where did the rest of me go…

The players discover that a d4, once pressed into a forehead, will stay there for a SHOCKINGLY long time.

Krenalket: I guess you’re never too old to learn something new… about the physics properties of a d4 on a forehead!
DM: They have so many applications… except for D&D.
Karmus and Peregrinus: Caltrops!

Kratin bemoans missing the adventure. He’d been on a crappier mission!

DM: Yes, Kratin Drahl pulled guard duty somehow, with another group of adventurers. They were guarding the border between the Sunited Yates and Eximo.

The characters spend a while trying to figure out why they have no money, and what stuff they haven’t sold for money yet. They head off to market!

DM: Everyone goes to the market and no one tells you anything!
Krenalket: I’m not going. I’ll stay behind and regale him with the tale of our poker game!
DM: Yes!
Krenalket: I’ll sing it in song. “Can’t beat my, can’t beat my, no you can’t beat my poker face! I did not win the whole pot…”
DM: Kratin… Krenalket manages to wind down some five hours later, telling you in every minute detail every speck of dust on the road as they walked.
Kratin: There in middle of the road… there shined a shiny demon.
DM: And he said!
Krenalket: “Plaaaay the best cards in the world. Or I’ll eat your soul.”
DM: So he and Karmus--
Krenalket : So me and Karmus.
DM: They looked at each other.
Krenalket: We looked at each other.
Krenalket and Karmus: And we each said…
DM, Krenalket, and Karmus: Okay. And we played the first cards that came to our hand! Just so happened to be! The best cards in the world! They were the best cards in the world!
DM: But that was not the best card in the world.
Krenalket: It was just a flush.

The doors to the great hall burst open! Garl Glittergold stands there. No one cares for several minutes.

DM: “My apologies for interrupting you all at your rest, but something dire has arisen!”
Krenalket: “Is it a wolf?”
Bellrill: Waaaah waaaah waaah waaaaaaah.
DM: “Remind me why I hand-picked you all again?”
Krenalket: “We died!”
DM: “Ah yes, of course.”
Krenalket: “I was pretty certain that was the only criterion for entry.”
DM: “To be fair, you all died unjustly.”
Kratin: “You mean beaten to death by the person I hate most in the world?”
Krenalket: “So Garl, what’s afoot?”
DM: “It’s what comes at the end of an ankle and is connected a leg!”
Krenalket: “Oh!”
Kratin: Ha haaaaa!
Krenalket: “That deserves a toast!”
DM: “To my first pun, ever! Not really though.”
Krenalket: “Well it seems in this contest, I’ve known defeet.”
DM: Wow. Garl’s ears begin to emit steam, and to all of your mingled horror and astonishment, he begins to fume so hot he melts right there in front of you, a pile of glittering gold slag.
Krenalket: “…I’ve killed him!”
Bellrill: Somebody fucked up!
Kratin: Seriously!

Garl tells them that a temple of Heironious is in danger. The PCs fear to go up against Kratos! Bellrill demands to know why people take pictures of meals, but Garl chooses to answer plot-relevant questions instead. The temple is besieged! Garl produces a spinning bar of gold, which he holds out.

Kratin: “I’m rich, bitch!”
Krenalket: “I’ll take it!”
DM: “You will not! You will touch it.”
Peregrinus: I will touch it!
Krenalket: I will touch it… very… hard! Everybody pull!
DM: “Wait, uh, you haven’t all eaten recently, have you? This will be a little strange for you – okaybye!” (snapping his fingers)
Krenalket: Okay, everybody roll to see whose head got swapped onto your body. Let’s see here, there’s five of us… I’ve got Karmus’s, rolled a 1.
Bellrill: I rolled a 15, I got Man-E-Faces.
Krenalket: Roll a d6, you moron.
Bellrill: I get a Quintesson head…
DM: Fortitude saves, that’s what you’re actually rolling.
Karmus: 22.
Peregrinus: Also 22.
Kratin: 6.
Krenalket: 9.
Bellrill: 15?

Kratin and Krenalket are out, dry heaving, for a while. The rest of them find themselves in the temple of Heironeous.

DM: You also notice that Garl Glittergold and his shiny gold bar are gone.
Bellrill: And so are your hands.
DM: Bellrill! Your left leg has been exchanged with Krenalket’s! So you have a little leg dangling above the ground. And Krenalket, you’re now perched two feet up off the ground than you normally are!
Krenalket: Just wait till I get aroused, and the problem will solve itself.
All: (groaning)
DM: …Really, a Balance check…?
Kratin: Aww, dude, I think Garl stole my ring…

The inhabitants, in a state of frenzy, scramble around and shout around the two visible levels of the temple.

DM: A man, with a sparkling Mr. Clean-style shaved heads and in a priest’s robes, finally looks around and notices you. “Wuh! Where did you all come from?”
Kratin: (hurls)
Bellrill: “Another place.”
Peregrinus: “We were sent here!”
Kratin: “Curse you… curse you, Glittergold…”
Peregrinis: “Prayers, brethren?”
Bellrill: “Sent because of your prayers, yeah.”
Kratin: “I am the—“ (retching) “—answer..”
DM: “You haven’t brought plague into our temple, have you?”
Bellrill: “The transportation on the prayer train is a little bumpy… Our comrades didn’t quite make the journey.”
DM: “The temple. It’s surrounded! They’re trying to get in! They’re trying to kill us all!”
Bellrill: “See for yourself!”

The players are briefly confused and annoyed by this evasion, particularly since there is no way to see the outside from here!

Bellrill: He’s opening the door…
Kratin: Don’t open the damn door, dude.
Krenalket: (singing) Open the door, get on the floor, oh look it’s attacking dinosaurs.

In actuality, they climb up a stone staircase to the highest level, the better to look out the window. Shrouded in darkness outside, they see a horde of what is surely the undead! The priest explains that anyone who has been caught by the horde has been devoured!

Kratin: “Wow. “ (beat) “Why are we HERE?”
Krenalket: “Maybe we don’t taste good…”

The characters and the priest spend a while debating how on earth they can possibly fight an entire horde. They’re certainly no physical match for this entire army, they’re second and third level!

Kratin: I’m going to try to dazzle them… with a comedic story.
Bellrill: Shut up! No!
DM: (giggling) That’s great. ‘Shut up!’ That’s great.

The undead hammer on the door, promising imminent invasion. Successfully shutting Kratin up, they turn back to the task at hand.

Krenalket: “Tell us! What is this cathedral? Tell us everything about it!”
DM: “Well it’s an ancient temple of worship for our god Heironeous, of course.”
Krenalket: “Ancient you say. Has it been a site of conflict before?”
DM: “Well over the centuries, it has been… not the center of any major conflict, but we have sent men to war from time to time.”
Krenalket: “Heironeous is a god of valor. If this is an ancient temple of his, perhaps it holds some ancient power or secret that can aid us.”
Peregrinus: “Or a relic of some sort.”

Karmus ponders boiling oil, while Krenalket proposes they investigate the catacombs. The DM hints that they should probably hurry up through subtle sound effects which they ignore.

Krenalket: “Do you have any diagrams or blueprints of the catacombs?”
DM: “What is a ‘blueprint’, good master?”
Krenalket: “I see! Any drawings of them then?”
Bellrill: Hold on a sec. “Siri, need blueprints for temple…” Woop! “Fuck. You.”
Krenalket: “If not, I’ll go down and examine them myself. Perhaps down there I shall find the mysterious Sir Killian who is behind this all!”

Silence, broken only by Krenalket’s laughter at the DM’s expression.

DM: Let it go. Let it go.
Bellrill: Let’s go look for Wesker, he’s around here somehow.

Kratin and Krenalket get in an argument over semantics – do they have to protect the temple, or the people inside it too? They head back downstairs, but suddenly--

DM: The cry of a monk – or, I guess they aren’t monks…
Kratin: They can be monks, because they suck at combat. Which would explain why they’re all surrounded.
DM: Presumably the armed and armored variety of person here has already been thrown down and…. Smothered by the horde. But you hear a cry from a priest, as one of the first-floor windows – a bench, a prayer bench had been propped up in front of it, but it has been toppled over down on top of him!

Zombies pour in through the window, mindless and slavering! Initiative! Krenalket rolls terribly and everyone mocks him for it. Bellrill, first to act, hurls alchemist’s fire into their midst. The players fight over who gets to be that other guy in Tenacious D who no one ever remembers, which is probably the first time anyone has ever squabbled over the position of Kyle Gass.

Kratin: I’m going to start reciting my comedy routine, which will Inspire Courage.
DM: It is widely known that Vogon poetry is third worst in the universe, coming in second behind the work of Kratin Drahl.
Krenalket: I’ll just help him. I’ll be the guy who refuses to take the parrot back.

Kratin treats the group to a sample of his comedy routine.

Krenalket: As one the horde points at you. ‘Raaaciiiiiisssst…’
Kratin: Inspire Courage, if you did not know, is +1 morale on saving throws on charm and fear, and +1 on your attack and damage rolls.
Krenalket: Now I know!
All: And knowing is half the battle.
Krenalket: What generation were WE part of?

Bellrill gets angry that a generation in the past was called ‘the Greatest Generation’. Peregrinus is up!

Peregrinus: I’m gonna pull out my holy symbol of Heironeous –
DM: It’s a great big dildo.
Peregrinus: And tell them to get out of here, assholes.

Zombies scramble like hell! Krenalket calls for someone to put the bench up, and conveniently, Karmus is up next to do just that.

Karmus: I don’t block it. I start beating the undead with it!

More seriously, Karmus finds himself in quite the wrestling match to block the zombies off. Krenalket burns his action trying to figure out a way to use rope to better secure the bench! It goes about as well as anyone would expect.

Bellrill: If you had four immovable rods – no, just two of them up there, then it’s not moving.
Karmus: Until they splinter around it.
Bellrill: I didn’t say it was a perfect plan! I just said it would work!
Karmus: Fold the table in half…
Krenalket: We shouldn’t have used the ping-pong table.

The best way to secure the window would be to spike some planks across it, as a pair of priests do that while zombies reach around said planks. Bellrill is convinced he’s going to die first.

DM: There’s more… outside… Someone will have to go out there! Maybe someone who can firebomb their way past the supplies!
Bellrill: Ooh, ooh, can I go past the raptors and turn off the electric fence?
Karmus: You just look outside, there’s a stack of timbers and a box of nails…
DM: Around back we have anti-siege machinery that can be set into motion, you just have to cross the tall grass. The Jesus Raptors are back there, we keep them as mounts. They’re not familiar with you so they may spring.
Peregrinus: They have Jesus Raptors!?
DM: Yeah, the ones that holy people ride.
Peregrinus: I have a Ride skill, I wanna ride a Jesus Raptor.
DM: Well, you’re gonna have to roll your Handle Animal to keep them from gutting you.

Krenalket lobs an Enlarge Person onto Karmus to buy them some time, but the priests fail to hammer the boards on their window into place. Zombies surge through!

Krenalket: Ha ha, we never realized! Garl Glittergold whips off his mask to reveal the other god, Stan Suicidemission.

The party quickly realizes that there are simply too many windows to stop the zombies from smashing through them all. The priest they’d first spoken to cowers behind a column!

Karmus: I may have to burn an action to slap him.
Krenalket: “Go ring the bell!”
DM: “The bell?!”
Krenalket: “Yes!”
DM: “Whatever for?!”
Krenalket: “Go!”
DM: “Dough?”
Krenalket: “Go!”
DM: “Go where?”
Krenalket: “Ring the bell!”
Karmus: Someone smack him!
Krenalket: “A triumphant peal to the heavens, indicating that you will not faaaaall!”
DM: “…Hail Heironeous!”
Krenalket: Damn straight, that’s why, you fucking valorous priest, go do something valorous!
DM: The valorous ones have been eaten! This is the problem!
Krenalket: “GO RING THE BELL!” That’s all I’ve got! I have no idea if it will do anything but at least it gets him out of the fucking way!
Karmus: “Grab some planks while you’re up there!”
DM: One of the priests that was attempting to secure the planks above the other windows—
Karmus: Now dead.
DM: Well, he’s being chewed on…
Karmus: Damn one hit-dice priests.

With the first floor clearly lost, the group elects to fall back to the catacombs. The DM attempts to characterize this as abandoning everybody to the horde, despite the numerous times they include the priests in their plans.

DM: Garl Glittergold didn’t send you here to save yourselves. Like, “Welp, we’re outta here!” Then Heironeous will be all, “WTF?!”
Krenalket: It’s your priests’ own fault for being idiots, Heironeous.

Bellrill proposes to hurl a flask into the midst of the fray, using his new feat to inflict no splash damage on the priest. The DM is in awe of this feat!

DM: You need to figure out how to mix up one of those void grenade like the dark elves had in Thor, y’know.
Krenalket: But those aren’t useful weapons, they’re too easily aVOIDed.
DM: And what did the main bad guy choose as his main target?
Bellrill: You missed that pun. That was crazy.
DM: I didn’t miss it, I’m just blocking them out now.
Karmus: He’s ignoring them.
Krenalket: He used the momentum of his voice to keep going.
DM: I’m taking a page from the racist book. Welp, game’s progressing. You guys didn’t set your runes out, guess what! Roll initiative for 5,000 demons and you guys. Including Darth Maul demon who just stares you down every night…

Bellrill hurls his fire, dropping one zombie… and leaving the other priest to be munched on by a now-flaming zombie, which is not an improvement from his position. Peregrinus lobs some turning into the mix.

DM: The fiery one, or the one that’s ablaze, does an Agent Smith off of the priest he was trying to kill a moment ago.
Peregrinus: And I’m grabbing him and we’re going!

Peregrinus and Krenalket are shunned because they haven’t seen the Avengers. The priests and PCs book it for the catacombs!

DM: In addition to the priest who ran headlong up the stairs to heroically and valiantly ring the church bell --
Krenalket: Who ignored me when I told him I meant the one in the catacombs.
DM: Well he was way up there by the time you started yelling at him.
Krenalket: How’d he move so damn fast?!
DM: You put the spirit of Heironious in, you lit a fire under his rear end! Two other priests, for whatever reason, have decided to remain once their brethren have fallen in.

The priests lift a trapdoor behind the altar, which leads to the catacombs. Karmus alone holds back the wave of zombies. Up above, the bell begins to peal forth as zombies pour into the unguarded windows.

Krenalket: Man, I was hoping the bell would help or some shit.
Bellrill: No, it’s just enraged them.
Karmus: It was a worthy try, sir.
DM: You should have told the priest to go sound the bomb shelter horn, which makes all the zombies go away.

Karmus releases the pew at last, then tumbles for the altar! Zombies from the other side reach the trapdoor just as he does and they pile in!

Krenalket: A 24 on my Knowledge(architecture and engineering) to identify where a potential hidden place might be!
DM: Hm. Probably in the walls. Or the floor. Maybe even the ceiling. Probably one of those places.
Bellrill: You know, I bet there’s a secret church above these catacombs!

Pause for uproarious laughter.

DM: That would have been the best way to roll a natural 1…
Bellrill: Guys, there’s a whole church up here!
Krenalket: I found a trapdoor! Oh, why did I take this skill if that was all I was gonna get from it…
Bellrill: This is another dimension, they practice differed architecture here. You need Knowledge(architecture of world 1261457).
DM: You believe if there was a secret entrance to a system of tunnels beneath the church, it would probably be located either in one of the chamber’s corners or in the center.

With everyone down below, they want to close the trapdoor. But there’s a problem!

DM: There’s a couple of hungry zombies.
Karmus: “That’s all right. There’s one angry Karmus.”
Krenalket: Still Large. Fuck.
Karmus: I can’t fit. “Foomp! Uh-oh.”

Karmus rolls a Tumble to slip through the trapdoor and down the stairs. He promptly rolls a natural 20, shooting down the stairs like a giant Donkey King barrel. The two zombies flop down the stairs right behind him as they slam the trapdoor shut.

Bellrill: Since I don’t wanna all of my bombs, and we only have two zombies to deal with, I’m gonna use some of my –
DM: Well. If all else fails, use fire.

A very long pause.

DM: Don’t pay any attention to me. Feel free to ignore the DM.

Krenalket uses a Mario fireball sound effect for Bellrill’s throwing, causing the DM to burst into laughter. Bellrill hits a zombie with a javelin, injuring but not slaying it. Kratin trips a zombie, then demands Peregrinus curb-stomp it.

DM: Those of you not currently engaged begin hearing a -- (thumping on the table) -- at the top of the stone stairs.
Kratin: What about those of us who are married, do we hear that too?
Krenalket: You only don’t hear it if it’s in the voice of your wife.

In the background, Karmus finds himself entered into a contest to win a trip to Canada, and dreams of pretending he’s Wolverine out in the wilderness. Peregrinus explodes the zombie’s head with his attack, while Karmus whacks away for 29 points of damage.

Peregrinus: I do three damage to myself, do I get a +1 to myself too?
DM: Bringing the axe back, to the point where the tip of it touches the ground behind you, you bring it forward! As the axe begins to enter the top of its head, coming perhaps this far, doing the two points of damage that it had left to lose, it hews straight through the creature and finally embeds itself in the stone floor. As the two halves separate, the blood spray is enormous.

Krenalket continues to seek the secret passage, convinced that Garl wouldn’t have sent them there if they had no hope! The DM is not so certain…

DM: He sent you here not knowing what you were walking into.
Karmus: He’s lucky he’s a god. Otherwise I’d beat the shit out of him.

For some reason, the players end up grumbling about how much of a dick Imperius, Archangel of Valor, is. The reason ends up being that Krenalket was in the bathroom, despite him being very specific about his actions so this wouldn’t happen…

DM: As Krenalket’s small probing fingers search for a hidden chamber—
Peregrinus: His fingers are broken.
Kratin: Does this trap door have a ring, can I tie my whip through the it and kinda hang so they can’t get through it…
Karmus: Make sure you fasten it to your neck.
Kratin: It’s all right, we’re already dead!
Peregrinus: So are we all!

Krenalket discovers a section of stone that moves backwards, and soon opens a massive portal that, according to Bellrill, opens to the outside and allows the zombies to surge in!

Bellrill: Start. Return to lask checkpoint. Karmus is rolling down the stairs…
Krenalket: Swap Krenalket out of the party?!
Bellrill: Bring Edgar in.
Karmus: You blink out, the next NPC drops in like a spear.
Bellrill: Make him leave the game, the forces of zombies grow weaker.
DM: The wall of stone slides backward, and then over. A completely black passageway.
Karmus: Racist passageway, huh?
Bellrill: Light: the first racist. Taking out the nasty darkness.
Karmus: Damn you, God. Letting it be light.
Krenalket: And on the first day, God said, “Let there be white.” And God looked upon it and said it was good.

Ah ha, awkward… Karmus shoulders past Krenalket to the surprise of the priests, which leads Krenalket to believe they know something.

Krenalket: “What do you know, priests, that we don’t?”
DM: (bursting into song out of nowhere) “We three priests can tell you this…”
Krenalket: (singing right back) “Hurry up, or in fear you’ll piss.”
DM: “Pissing, screaming, still redeeming!”
Krenalket: “Soon I’ll eat your withered souls.”
DM: “Soooooooouls.”
Bellrill: You lose!
DM: What’re you talking about, that’ll be gold on the transcription.
Karmus: Yeah, a shame it isn’t around Christmastime because that would be fantastic.
DM: “The only thing that would be hidden in a chamber like this would be ancient knowledge or treasure of great value or worth to our god.”
Krenalket: “Exactly what we need to turn the tide!”

The PCs apparently save the day by unleashing the power of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. Then they actually go into the catacombs. Just within they find some lumber along with miscellaneous supplies, and while Krenalket and Karmus venture deeper, the rest begin sealing up the trap door more thoroughly. It goes off on a really weird tangent.

Krenalket: All power to the forward dermis!

Hastening down, they find… the end of the passage. Then they actually find some stuff, though not without constant numerous pauses on the DM’s behalf for suspense purposes. An altar lies before them!

Bellrill: “You guys find an altar?! You tried sacrificing a baby yet?!”
DM: Yes, a statue stands by the altar. It appears to be a small mustachioed Italian plumber carrying a stick. What the hell was that item for…

Krenalket searches the altar unnecessarily, because there’s a chest right on it. A locked chest, no less.

Krenalket: I slap Karmus on the shoulder. “Good luck!”
Karmus: This is where I roll the 1. And break my crowbar.
Krenalket: Break your arms. Both of them.
Karmus: Natural 20.
DM: This is where the mimic gets surprise!

Wrecking the chest but good, Karmus finds a book. They are super-disappointed, but Krenalket begins to read it, to discover it is transcribed from Heironeous himself!

Krenalket: I read the index.
Bellrill: “In case of zombie horde, go to page 12.” All right… Page 10… page 11….
Bellrill, Karmus, and Krenalket: (disappointed) “Page 13…?”
Krenalket: I suppose the first question is, why is it every time he turns the page it only goes up by one?
Karmus: He never did it back to back, he just did it one per. A very wasteful god.
Krenalket: Lawful my ass!

Somehow, Peregrinus backstabs Krenalket for 50,000 damage, then uses Foehammer on him – even he isn’t sure what the DM is talking about at this point… Zombies hammer on the door to break it down as the other PCs hammer on it to reinforce it!

DM: Those of you that are actually working up at the trapdoor can still hear the pealing of the church bell.
Kratin: Aww, shit. We left that dude up there.
Krenalket: Yep. We know.
DM: Krenalket was like, ‘Oh well, we’re doing him a favor’. Heironeous. That idiot went and did what the adventurers told him to do…
Bellrill: No? No! AdventurER.
DM: Under the bus, Krenalket, that’s your home from now on. Under the bus you find Sir Killian. Now you two can become best buddies.

Everyone gets a laugh out of that one and Krenalket congratulates the DM on his skillfull play.

DM: Thanks to your efforts you are convinced that none but the mightiest of giants could force this door.
Karmus: Unfortunately there’s a giant zombie out there.
DM: I’ll say that – I guess the three of you are working in tandem to secure the door? The three of you go ahead and give me a Listen check.

Peregrinus and Kratin hear… farting blimps. And a high-pitched crack coming from the trap door. Krenalket keeps making ‘crack’ puns in the background. The other two return from the depths of the secret passage, leading the PCs to describe the priests as panicky and stupid.

Bellrill: What kind of dumbass priesthood is this?
Karmus: Well all the smart ones died.
Krenalket: And all the competent ones died.
Karmus: We’re left with the mug-scrubbers.
Krenalket: Wow, Heironeous’s priesthood is gonna take a real turn for the worst here.
DM: In horror movies, the dumb reckless ones die first, and the smart competent ones are left at the end. In a real life situation it’s probably the exact opposite.
Krenalket: So the priesthood is doomed even if we save this place.
DM: It’s not the ONLY temple of Heironeous.
Karmus: It’s gonna put a very big black mark on them…
Krenalket: We’re gonna come back in a hundred years and these guys are gonna be the head of their own sect that promotes incest and Kool-Aid cults…

The group ponders if they really ARE supposed to be purging this temple, which is why Heironeous isn’t answering prayers. The players characterize the priests as idiots.

Bellrill: “Ain’t no answers ever came from no book!”
Krenalket: “You shut up, sir!”
Kratin: “Don’t hold much with book learnin’.”
Krenalket: “Well this isn’t book learnin’, this is book larnin’, I think you’ll find it more to your taste.”

The priests are stunned to have obtained the true word of Heironeous. Krenalket keeps reading, while openly lampshading the fact that he doesn’t have Knowledge(religion) to understand what they need to do.

DM: Thank you for saying it for me.
Peregrinus: Can I just pore over it over his shoulder?
DM: Well you could just take it from him, I suppose…
Peregrinus: “May I see it?”
Krenalket: “Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out eventually!”
Bellrill: Just take it from him.
Peregrinus: “Just give it to me, shorty!” Yank.
Krenalket: Hey. Your words hurt.
Peregrinus: I got a natural 20.
DM: (bitter laughter)
Krenalket: The DM rage-quits!
DM: No I don’t, I was waiting for it.

For some reason, the group lovingly details their wishes for Krenalket’s tortured death by choking. The DM layers on the backstory for the work they hold as Peregrinus reads it.

DM: You begin going over pages, hoping against hope that you find what you believe to be Heironeous’s blessing. This one in particular is a sort of curge purse – curge – purge curse.
Bellrill: Curge curson!
DM: Kurt Burton.
Krenalket: Is it written in the third person?

The book abruptly becomes the Testament of Hskoro, which everyone finds awesome. Peregrinus finds a passage!

Krenalket: We cannot get out.
Karmus: They are coming.
Bellrill: “All right, in case of a zombie problem do not secure yourself in the catacombs, I repeat, do not secure yourself in the catacombs. Go to the bell tower and ring the bell.”
Karmus: “Huh.”
Bellrill: We can’t see it here, but as he rings the bell there’s a giant orange field protecting him from zombies.
Krenalket: If we do repel this I’m telling that guy it was all because of his valiant bell-ringing.
Karmus: Good man.

Peregrinus and the other priests begin reading the prayer with their holy symbols held aloft. Karmus searches the catacombs for a switch that could close the secret door from the inside, since the trap door is failing rapidly.

DM: Your extended hand feels a round section of the wall. As your hand sort of moves the panel along, there’s a hole behind it, perfectly round. You put your hand in…
Karmus: “BUUUUUGS!” I put my hand in, hand comes off.
DM: Yes, only the penitent hand may pass.

The players inevitably produce the Holy Hand Grenade. The DM describes the door getting stuck halfway through closing.

DM: They don’t make ‘em like they used to!
Krenalket: Knowledge(architecture and engineering)! 16!
DM: 16? They don’t make ‘em like they used to!
Krenalket: Can I fix it?
Karmus: You got butter? Lard?
Krenalket: I can cast Grease!

Somehow, Heironeous’s priests become the Borg. Zombies begin smashing through the barricade in earnest, but light is shining from the gathered priesthood! The DM demands Krenalket play more chanting, but all he can come up with is the badger dance song.

DM: The priests finish quoting the passage of Heironeous just as your last piece of barrier gives way. The zombies begin barreling and stumbling down the steps. And then—
Krenalket: I cast Web.
DM: On who?
Krenalket: The center of the room, it’s a 20’ radius.
DM: A burst of holy light, which had begun from the book they had read, swells to immense size and fills the entire chamber.
Krenalket: Then I don’t cast Web.
DM: You cast Web on the light. The light is ensnared in the web, and shrivels down as it is trapped!

The light explodes outward, while in the background Krenalket deals 2400 damage to Bellrill, despite his DR 100/not gnomes. The light returns to the tome and winks out, leaving the zombies motionless in its wake. It turns out the undead were in truth the cursed living! No one is happy about this, what with the cannibalism and all. They remain in a deep sleep which the DM openly tells them to not to wake them from.

DM: The bell is not being rung. As you cast about, you see slowly making his way down thte stairs the same bald-headed.
Krenalket: I go up and give him a hearty slap on the back.
DM: You can’t reach to his back.
Krenalket: I’m not THAT short.
DM: You slap him on the rear end.

Krenalket is mocked for a while, quite vigorously. They convince the priest – in fact, all of the priests, that they are valorous heroes! They survey the scene grimly, finding dead clerics in the midst of bashed-up zombies. Convinced they’re going to hell, the heroes plan to flee!

Karmus: Let’s hide out in Sigil. The gods can’t touch us there!
Krenalket: We gave them a key, dumbass.
Karmus: Let’s get it back. The greatest heist of our century.
Krenalket: Pelor’s Eleven.
DM: As you survey this grisly scene, the air all around you is filled with a clear ring, the peal of a large trumpet. Out of the air above the temple, there appears a man in the sky. It is the form of Heironeous himself.
Krenalket: “I’m here. Am I too late?”

The DM giggles at the idea that they used up the ultimate power on the zombies, leaving them helpless at the ultimate evil!

DM: He hovers down to the ground, and looks about him. “I’ve come too late. I see some of them at least have been saved. Was it you who spoke the words I bequeathed to my temple so long ago?”
Peregrinus: “I led my brothers.”
DM: “Even so. It was your invocation that drew me away to this place.”
Bellrill: “I was showering.” He has a towel on.
Karmus: Over his armor.

Masturbation jokes occur! The god vows to remain and investigate, bidding them return home and be at peace. With his power, he returns them to Valhalla, and the game comes to an end!