(no subject)

[dragonoflife]

The game opens with the DM reminding them of their situation – the minotaurs escaped, Mrrshala is in the water, Aliarra is clinging to a chain, but they do have the armor that is the Body of Kalroth.

Hanzo: Where’s Drusila?
Aliarra: She’s been made into a cheese. Her bakery had to close now that the sect that guards the head is no longer underneath it and giving her business.
DM: The burning wreckage of the pirate ship is below you! The smell of burning timber and wet fur assails your nostrils. Only now do you hear the commotion from the town.
Hanzo: Welp, the cops have showed up now that the fight is over.

Aliarra climbs up the cliffside, while Cissy tosses over a knotted rope in as many incompetent ways as possible.

Cissy: Just so you know, I set a lit candle under the rope. I give you about two minutes before it snaps.
DM: You guys anchor the rope to yourselves.
Hanzo: I just climb down with my claws… “Come on, let’s go.”
Cissy: TENSER’S FLOATING DISC!
DM: You and that fucking spell, man!
Aliarra: At least it’s not Create Water.

The PCs very awkwardly explain to the remaining guard just what happened to his comrade. As they discuss Aliarra’s incoming psion henchmen, Hanzo cheerfully begins playing ‘Gangnam Style’.

Hanzo: It’s a Psy-crystal.

Aliarra finally manages to haul her blubbering uncle to his feet, as she’s been trying to do for minutes now.

DM: (as the guard) “Ed’s not coming back, is he.”
Cissy: The last thing Ed said was he wanted you to take care of his wife.
DM: “He wasn’t married, ma’am.”
Aliarra: She has to say it in the Cissy voice anyway. I’d like to propose the Cissy voice incurs an automatic -15 penalty to Bluff and Diplomacy checks.
Cissy: That’s okay, ‘cuz I got Intimidate. ‘Cuz nothing’s more frightening that a two-foot gnome—
Aliarra: Halfling.
Cissy: Halfling.
Aliarra: “Well, uncle. I couldn’t bring one fiend to justice today, but at least I’ll bring another.”
DM: He blubbers.
Aliarra: Deafening myself to his blubbling, I haul him to the town.
DM: By his chins.
Aliarra: Everybody grab one, it’s a group effort!
Hanzo: Should I take the claws off first?
Aliarra: …follow your heart.

Lacking any other person of authority to turn to, Aliarra plans to drag her uncle to the mayor. The guard zealously locks himself in the armory, briefly, then finds himself dragging the duergar bodies around all by himself, because no one will help.

DM: No one helps poor Aldin.
Aiden: Hey, I was busy healing, that took time.
Aliarra: Yeah, that took all of 8 rounds.
Aiden: I have a Strength of 15, I don’t think that’s enough to lift bodies.
Pan: My wizard has less Strength than the average person.
Cissy: TENSER’S FLOATING DISC!
Alairra: For once it would be appropriate to summon Tenser’s Floating Disc, I’d like to point that out. Cissy visibly orgasms. Wonderful.
Cissy: Cissy summons the disc, and then doesn’t allow anyone to put anything on it.

Cissy and Hanzo openly titter over the fact that barren and baron are homophones. They swiftly strip the dwarves of usable items and wealth.

DM: You find a headband, that has a torch engraved on it.
Aliarra: I wonder if this is a Headband of Intellect. It obviously enlightens the wearer.
Aiden: (weariest sigh imaginable)
Hanzo: I try it on.
DM: It’s a nice headband. It comfy.
Aiden: You become aware of Aliarra’s terrible joke.

The group attempts to roll back to the city in the carriage that brought them… but the carriage driver had made himself scarce indeed thanks to the fight, and no one has the ability to steer the damn thing. Aiden decides to fake it with ride, and fakes it well indeed with a natural 20.

Aiden: “How’d he do that?” “I have no idea.”
DM: Aldin pulls up a seat next to you so he can give you direction. “My Lord! You are a NATURAL!”
Aiden: “Shhhh! I don’t know what I’m doing! I just believed really hard in my god and she has given me the ability to do this!”

They head into the city. Unsurprisingly, they attract a lot of attention with their clangor and commotion!

Aiden: …was it really a great idea to just be trolling the bodies through the center of town? Shouldn’t we have taken a roundabout way? People are coming out in the street… “Aaaaah!”
Aliarra: There was a minotaur attack, it’s not like there’s more panic to be head.

Aiden suggests that plugs can be put in either of two holes, both of which are pretty worn out. As the carriage advances on a house, Hanzo abruptly realized he is with it. At last as they approach, a guard rushes out of the manor house they’re approaching.

DM: “HO THERE! What are the terms for the release of the baron?”
Aliarra: “There’s more to be discussed here than simply ‘the release of the baron’!”
Aiden: Wait, are we kidnappers? What’s going on here?
Aliarra: “We wish to speak to the mayor!”
DM: “Hold your position!”
Aiden: No no. “We do not deal with terrorists!”
Pan: Yes, instant friendship!
Aiden: We’re terrorists now!?
DM: You holding your position?
Aliarra: Yup. Unless he can’t stop he. He rolls a 1.
DM: That’s true! You rolled to drive well, let’s see if you can stop it properly.
Aiden: Praise Denerim, help me stop this thing!
Cissy: 4…

The DM charitably allows this to stop the carriage… although a body falls out the window.

Cissy: Cissy is standing on top of the bodies in of the carriage!
DM: You’re kinda hunched over ‘cuz you’re inside the carriage.
Cissy: Oh, it’s an enclosed cart? Damn, dude, I thought it was an open cart. Well that completely loses all the fun I had in my mind!
Aliarra: THANK YOU, DM! I love it when I hear Cissy say that!
Cissy: …Cissy climbs out of the cart and stands on top of it now.
Hanzo: Hanzo will break you out of jail…

A ring of guards stops 25 yards away, all eyes on them. A voice asks them why they are here; Aliarra tells the story of her uncle’s betrayal of the family.

DM: “Let us see this plot you speak of.”
Aliarra: (miming slapping the side of the carriage, then all the bodies rolling out)
DM: “Oh. Oh my.” Fortitude save… nope, nope. (miming vomiting) “All right, you can put it back!”
Aliarra: (miming slapping the side of the carriage, then all the bodies rolling back in)

They explain why Moresh’s body looks so terrible, and then turn their attention to Aliarra’s uncle.

DM: “And you say the Baron is behind this.”
Aliarra: “Do you deny it?!”
Aiden: (blubbering that sounds more like Roger Rabbit)
DM: “I’m not behind it.”
Aliarra: “I said you were complicit in it.”
DM: “…Yes.”

The discussion sidetracks as they explain dwarven subracial differences, along with minotaur ones. They abruptly hear a tromping of feet from a side street!

Aiden: It’s King John! Back from the Crusades!
Aliarra: That’s King Richard…
Aiden: No, this is a different world, it’s King John and the evil Prince Richard.
DM: Another small troops of soldiers seems to be on the way up. In the lead is a tall barrel-chested man. This one is older. Grey hair sits upon his head as well as his beard, and he wears an eyepatch and his face is lined with age. But he looks no less fearsome, wearing full-plate.
Aliarra: It IS King Richard the Lionhearted.
DM: Aliarra, this man sparks memories in you.
Aliarra: …I go take a shower. Create Water please! (miming collapsing) Not the disc! Not! The disc!

The mysterious man ignores the PCs, choosing instead to snark at the mayor. Aliarra recalls this man from her distant past. The man tells the mayor they captured one of the minotaurs, then takes in the PCs and their baggage.

DM: “Well you’re a sight for an old eye.”
Aliarra: I’m glad I didn’t have to correct him and say, “Eye, sir”. “It’s been a very interesting day.”
Aiden: Uncle Cyclops, that’s what you used to call him.
DM: The name ‘Griffon Harles’ comes to your mind.
Cissy: Gryffindor!
DM: He grasps you by both soldiers and gives you a shake – careful not to pierce himself on your armor spikes. “Back from the dead, eh?”
Aliarra: “I never was dead. Just… elsewhere.”
DM: He looks down at the Baron. “I see you’ve got a story here.”
Aliarra: “And I already told it right before you showed up! If I’d known you were coming I would have waited.” I made a perfectly good Diplomacy roll on that! Now I have to do it again!
Cissy: “You’re gonna have to read the game report.”
DM: “I guess Vincent wouldn’t be old enough to remember you.”
Aliarra: “Oh, I’m certain he’s heard rumors of a deface grave, since last night…”
DM: “Ah, that was you.”
Aliarra: “I thought it would be suitably dramatic.”
Cissy: “Excellent, now I get to arrest you for defacing public property.”
DM: He claps you in irons!
Aliarra: I can get out of these! Mountain Hammer ignores DR and hardness! (mimes headbutting the chain)
Aiden: The moment you break them, they reform.
Aliarra: Huh. That’s interesting.

Griffon investigates the bodies a frown, finally giving the demons the name ‘bladelings’ and insulting the Baron. Or former Baron, for Griffon immediately supports Aliarra’s ascension to the title.

Aiden: Damn, if this were a Final Fantasy RPG, we’d be waving goodbye to you as you have to stay in this town. We have to move on with our quest!
Aliarra: That’s why I’m chaotic! I’ll put this guy in charge while I’m away, he’s pretty much asking for it.
DM: In a blink of an eye, he crosses over to the baron, and pow! “I knew your cowardice would lead to this one day!”
Aiden: The baron, having no hit points left, instantly dies.

Though understanding their haste, Griffon insists on a formal investiture, which Aliarra agrees to the necessity of. Cissy suddenly starts arguing that Kalroth is good, meaning the group has to laboriously explain that they don’t want the bad guys getting their hands on Kalroth’s power no matter what. Aliarra gives up.

Aliarra: BEHOLD THE HEAD!
DM: “Ah, my other eye!”
Aliarra: Everybody who’s there, blind! Oh man, thank God this isn’t an evil campaign, because that head in Cissy’s hands when we’re not restraining-bolting him. Oh man, she’d be whipping it out for everything. You’d mount it in your pants somehow. You’d get Pants of Holding, be like, “Look what I’m packing!”, drop it, the head beams out, blinds everyone.
Cissy: Yeah I would… “Hey guys, check out what I got!”
Pan: I once played a so-called good campaign where it turned out that my entire party was turned to evil, and my character was a paladin.
DM: “What do you want to do with your uncle?”
Aliarra: “Lock him up. I don’t think there’s any need to execute him. I feel the crime of being him is punishment enough.”
Aiden: I’m just wondering when you’ll introduce the rest of us. We’re just sitting here like, “Are you done reminiscing? Can we go back on the adventure? No, you’re gonna keep talking?” (snoring)

Griffon introduces himself as General of the Army. Cissy immediately offends him.

Aiden: I like my intro. “Aiden Weith, banned in four countries, working on the fifth.” …there’s an extradition treaty for this country?!
DM: “My position is the next best thing from Baron. Emory Landsritter, I strip you of all your lands, titles, and deeds.”
Aliarra: (blubbering)
DM: Thank you.
Aliarra: I figured it would be hard for you to do the transition from one to the other.
DM: Yes. I’m gonna get a drink in a second…
Mrrshala: I just lean down at him and I let out a low guttural growl. He’s gonna shit himself.
DM: He recoils. Fortitude save! …and those of you with an acute sense of smell, smell something rotten.

Cissy joins in on the Intimidating, but everyone else kneels to the new Baroness. Aliarra wryly excuses her comrades from kneeling.

Aliarra: …since I don’t expect it anyway, assholes!
Mrrshala: Hey, I swore my oath to you a long time ago.
Hanzo: I’m naturally hunched anyways.
Aliarra: I’m just saying, none of you guys are going to give me an ounce of respect and I know it, so I’m gonna excuse y’all now and look magnanimous.
Aiden: Hey, it took me a long time to get out of being a man-whore, I gotta be strong. I’m on a cart, I’m not standing up on this thing.

They pass off responsibility for the bodies to Griffon and his men. Aliarra botches introductions when she claims Aiden is a cleric of Denelos, although everyone thinks this would be pretty cool. Hanzo claims to be the cook.

Aliarra: “And this is Mrrshala.”
DM: “We don’t get much Banglasharan down here…”
Aliarra: “She and I have been sisters for some time now. If anything should happen to me, she’s my heir.”
Mrrshala: “…what?”
Aliarra: “You’re family.”
Aiden: Except what you don’t realize is, our ninja friend has rewritten the will!

Everyone giggles furiously at this Exalted callback. Aliarra abruptly realizes she should mention Ignir is one of the friendly fjordborn minotaurs.

DM: Griffon smirks. “At least that tale is starting to come together.”
Aliarra: Oh noooo, shallow grave.

Naturally, Ignir is the minotaur they caught, and Griffon gives orders for Ignir to be released, to the soldiers’ dismay. He bears this stoically.

Aliarra: “As I was saying, this is Ignir, who has been our boon companion since our visit to the fjordborn minotaurs, whose well we DID NOT POISON!”

The rest of the group heads back to Aliarra’s uncles mansion, which she has cheerfully claimed as her own. They leave instructions to prepare for the investiture ceremony. The mayor helpfully offers them horses, though Aliarra sheepishly admits she can’t ride. They plan to revisit the armory and to speak to a wizard.

Aliarra: “Beyond that, I’m feeling emotionally drained, guys. It’s been a hell of a day.”
Aiden: “Oh, I can imagine. I don’t have quite the magnificent history as you do.”
DM: Aiden’s past was just a series of wham-bam-thank you ma’ams.
Aiden: Till eventually, “You’re gonna need to redeem yourself.”

They return to the mansion and immediately run straight into the servant who speaks absurdly slowly because he is old. They bemoan their fates. Cissy attempts to fire him.

Aiden: “But I’ve been in the family for 1500 years!”
Aliarra: “Hanzo, Aiden.” As he walks away… “I’d like you guys to subtly question him to see how much he knew about what my uncle was getting up to. If he’s complicit as well…”
Aiden: “Finish him.”
Aliarra: “That’s NOT what I said!”
Aiden: We’re gonna go in the back, we’ll be like, “So how much do you know?” He grows six feet. “So you figured it out, huh?” “Aww, fuck!”

Aiden interrogates the servant, starting with trying to trick the servant into saying more than he ought to know, but rapidly losing patience with this tactic.

Aiden: “Yup, he’s a big traitor. Works for demons. Pretty bad, huh?”
Aliarra: …subtle.

Either the servant is a master of disguise or telling the truth, but he lets slip that the old baron has a mistress in another town! However, they might have a hard time finding her…

DM: “I never knew the woman’s name. Just called her ‘Mistress’.”
Aiden: Are we just gonna say, “We’re looking for a Mistress!” “Here!” All the mistresses of every town are here.
Aliarra: “I’ve never seen so much leather.”

Mrrshala angrily vows to sleep in front of Aliarra’s door to keep her alive, while Cissy vows to Fire Trap her doors.

Cissy: Oh my God, I killed a maid!
Aliarra: I swear to god, if you blast a maid off the face of the earth, you are going to pay for the crime. If you’re that paranoid of it, let’s search for trap doors in here. Secret passages. Let’s check behind tapestries.
Aiden: “Hey, whatcha all doing in here?” I see you all lifting up beds. “NO DOORS IN HERE!”
DM: You search and search and find some little baubles or trinkets, nothing interesting. No doors in here.
Aliarra: Want to do a sweep with Detect Magic, if you’re going to be all paranoid?
Mrrshala: That’s me.
Aliarra: This is just because I made you the heir, isn’t it. No matter what, you have to make sure Aliarra doesn’t die.
Mrrshala: Uh, yeah! Hell yeah. Nobody wants the barbarian as the heir… not that I’m really a barbarian.

They find a magic amulet, which Aliarra vows will be a Necklace of Choking, but the DM recants and makes it a ring. It’s a ring of protection. Aliarra elects to test the armor, demanding that the others prepare to subdue her if she goes nuts. Cissy vows to blow Aliarra up, but the armor proves to be inert as they predict.

Cissy: “It could just use some activation!”
Aiden: “We don’t WANT to activate it!”
Aliarra: Here’s a sap, Hanzo, I think you know what to do with this.
Aiden: He rolls a 1. “How’d he hit me!?”
DM: I like how you’re saying that as you’re going down…
Aliarra: Talking is a free action!

Further testing, they decide to test if having all the items in play will change the inclinations of the more active items. So thinking, they give Aiden the boots to don!

DM: You put the comfortable boots on. You think of your favorite boot that you ever wore and they morph into that. So comfortable, hugging your feet. Will save please.
Aliarra: Why do they have high heels, Aiden?
Aiden: You weren’t there at the time. It was a great time.
DM: You feel the tug you remember before but you’re able to fight it back!

Aiden’s pull urges him to go north… and they quickly strip the boots off him before he can take off at his movement speed of 60. They contact Denelos to report in, telling him of their success but also their conflict with Moresh. Hanzo starts snickering.

Hanzo: Denelos and Aliarra interacting is like a bit on Dragnet. A windshield wiper conversation.
Aliarra: Sure thing, Mr. Ellipsis.

They try to rattle Denelos’s memory with the music from the music box, but it’s somehow turned into the Imperial March. Denelos asks Aliarra to propose to him – or give him a ring, you know. Cissy inadvertently erases every single D&D character she has out of her tablet.

DM: Dinner is served!
Mrrshala: Time for saving throws!
DM: It’s gazpacho, as it always is. Sauerkraut and boiled goose!

The DM cheerfully describes the end of the evening with the obvious implication that doom is upon them as they settle in for bed, the fools.

Aiden: Oh no, we didn’t put up a watch. “Finally, time to kill the daughter…”
Aliarra: He sets off to do it, by the time he gets there it’s morning.
DM: You all see in your dreams an image of Moresh, his back to you. He is facing another person, more gaunt and decrepit than he is, speaking words you cannot hear. The image shifts, and you see Moresh talking to a very large corpulent man, handing him sacks of what you believe is gold. Then fire. You all feel fear. In the last moment all you see are two glowing eyes. Eyes made of what seem to be pure energy, swirling in their own little maelstrom. It almost seems to be smiling at you, if they could.
Aiden: We don’t wake up.
Aliarra: The end. Where did we go wrong, DM?

Hanzo awakens to find a note on his chest – and the rest of the characters are called to make a Listen check! But given the time of day, such battle must be delayed until next time…