(no subject)

[dragonoflife]

Our session opens with Calinai vowing to make a character that resembles the Final Fantasy series’ Gilgamesh, and Inferian mocking Valiha for trying to shove a 3.5” floppy into a Zip drive. Remember Zip drives? The group begins checking their d20s for luck, though pickings seem slim this evening. Inferian rolls a d24; it rolls a 1. These pregame antics are interrupted by food, and your intrepid game reporter is forced to listen to chewing for an uncomfortably long time.

Inferian: We’re pretty much guaranteed to get into combat with these dudes, if I recall correctly.
Falgrim: Mmmhmm.
Valiha: Yeah.
Inferian: We weren’t taking none of their crap.
Falgrim: They’re douchebags.
Inferian: They’re like, “Walk away and let us continue roughing up these innocent tinkers!” And we’re like, ‘lol, nope’.
Valiha: “Nope.avi.”

The DM scorns Cherry Coke’s flavoring, declaring that they removed all the ‘natural flavors’ when they stopped using cocaine. Valiha plans to swap out her character for a scout this session and briefly discusses this with the DM. The group rolls initiative.

Inferian: Natural 1. We’re off to a great start. Are these guys wearing metal armor?
Calinai: These guys are wearing Kevlar armor. And police battalion gear.
Inferian: …this isn’t your campaign!
Calinai: Well why would you ask such a stupid goddamn question? What else would these plate-wearing knights be wearing? What other kind of plate? Heavy plastic plate? Kevlar plate?
Inferian: They could be wearing darkwood plate, thank you very much.
Valiha: Why would you even ask that question?
Calinai: Oh yeah, so he would break out the darkwood plate. This isn’t your own goddamn game, this is his game. DM, you know about the darkwood plate?
DM: Yeah. That’s what they’re wearing.
Calinai: He didn’t even know what darkwood was, till you said it.
DM: Remember lightning shenanigans you were gonna do, well now…
Inferian: That’s okay, I’ll just use fire, plus one damage.
DM: …has no effect on darkwood.
Calinai: This darkwood’s been treated with chemicals!
Inferian: Fine, cold, plus one damage.
DM: It’s warmwood.
Inferian: SONIC!
DM: Dark warmwood with insulation.
Inferian: It’s got baffling. Just a bunch of random flaps.
DM: They’re wearing rubber body gloves.
Inferian: All right, we go push them over, since they can’t fight very well…
DM: You’ve figured it out.
Inferian: Your twinkery has come back to haunt you, DM!
Calinai: No, you just throw a Chaos Bolt. It’s everything it’s not. I want to make a class that does vile damage, that’s what I wanna make.
DM: Vile damage.
Valiha: Oh god.
Inferian: I’ve given you the hunger!
Calinai: I want to vomit acid. I want to grow wings with a snap of the fingers and fly like an eagle… and vomit on the battlefield. And when they cut me, acid splashes on their face and they do damage to themselves. 2d6 style. Bam, you hit me? Bam, you just took ten points of acid, of unresistable acid damage to your face.
Inferian: I save for half.
Calinai: No!
Inferian: NOOOOOOOOO!!
Calinai: You take double! You splash more of it in your face!
Inferian: Apparently if you save you’re an idiot.
Calinai: If you roll for saves you roll for extra fail.
Inferian: (doing just that) Let’s see, I got a 15 on my save die and a 5 on my fail die, what does that work out to?
Falgrim: No one knows! That means we revert back to 2nd edition rules. Save vs. death.
Inferian: 4, I succeed.
Calinai: That’s right, the lower the better.
Inferian: …maybe it was higher, I don’t remember, All I remember is that since there was no comparison, it was just a flat number you had to roll, once you got up to the top and your saves were pretty decent, it didn’t matter if it was the level 20 guy or the level 1 guy who saved.
DM: Having been so nobly foolish as to prevent these ruffians from bullying the weak –
Inferian: How dare we live up to our alignments. Most of us.
Calinai: I’m neutral good!
Valiha: The only person here who’s neutral is me, and I’m chaotic neutral, so it’s like, “Oh, we’re gonna fight these guys? Fine, I’ll kick their asses.”
Inferian: Valiha now wanders off.
DM: They’ve drawn naked steel. Some of them have done the same.
Falgrim: As soon as they do.
Inferian: Your sword is bigger than theirs. They are ashamed.
DM: Battle is joined as Valiha begins.

Valiha channels shocking grasp through her sword and whacks away for fourteen points of damage.

DM: A very satisfying facial expression ensues as the wing rushes out of him, as your sword crackles and snaps through his guts.
Calinai: I love this class, Falgrim. Master. That’s it.
DM: However, still being heartily alive, he raises the morningstar in his hands…
Valiha: Uh-oh. Ow!
Inferian: And misses!
DM: Most likely.
Inferian: This is the DM, after all.
DM: I play by the rules, no wonder I can’t kill you. I don’t want to cheat just to damage you. I don’t want you all to feel as helpless as I feel when I’m sitting on the other side of the screen, 11 points to you of ouchy-ouch damage.
Inferian: As opposed to yummy-yum damage? I just want to understand what the standards are here.
Valiha: What standards? This is us.

Two more Whitecloaks stride towards Falgrim; one misses, the other hits for only 8 points. The fourth Whitecloak refuses to engage Calinai, instead stalking towards Inferian. The DM angrily discards a die, as Inferian takes 9. The fifth one has no such scruples, firing at Calinai for 13. Falgrim returns a blow for 18 – NO! – 25 points of damage.

DM: He lets out a most satisfying screech of pain and fear, not realizing that half a man could make him half a man.
Falgrim: “Let me show ya how we do it up in th’ Blight!”

Calinia sets a Whitecloak on fire with the Fiery Burst feat. Inferian blasts the four in melee for 29 electricity damage, which two make the DC 22 save for to his alarm. This drops none of them. Valiha whacks hers out of combat, though, leaving the remaining four to press their attack.

Inferian: I roll Diplomacy to make them stop attacking us.
DM: If that had ever actually worked in one of your games, I would allow it. But you’re always like, “NO! They are determined to fight to the death.”
Inferian: When have I ever done that? Name once!
DM: I’m not even gonna go there.

The DM discovers he’s rolling the die he already fired once, as he deals minimum damage (8) to Inferian. Another Whitecloak is screaming about shadowspawn as he swats Falgrim, I think, for 11. The final Whitecloak flees like hell as Falgrim contemptuously bisects one, and Cleaves the second. Calinai incinerates another one. Inferian hits the one still harassing him for 31 electricity.

DM: …whew. Close your eyes, guys!
Inferian: Let’s see if he has any congenital bone defects!
DM: Any defects he may or may not have had will never be known to you, as there’s simply a blackened spot on the ground where he was.
Calinai: It’s a pity he was warded by radiation, because the lightning activated it, giving him mutant powers just before death. It’s a pity he still died.

The other Whitecloak is still fleeing, and sensing that NOTHING good can come of this, Valiha discharges her crossbow at him. She crits him just before he gets his move action off, but he lurches out of anyone’s easy range.

Inferian: Aren’t we on horses? I swear we had horses at some point.
DM: Nope, you had pack animals.
Inferian: Quick, Falgrim! Hop astride the pack animal and spur it! “Hee haaaw, hee haaaaw!”
Calinai: Put your spurs into that muscle there, it’ll poop and go faster.
Falgrim: I think I’m gonna have to, like, throw the pack animal or something.
Inferian: “Thank god I’m gonna get away from them!” “Hee haaaaaw!”, thud!

Inferian continues to unload into the fleeing Whitecloak, who finally makes it over a hill and vanishes. The group looks at each other awkwardly.

Calinai: We’re just gonna run into an entire army, one of these days, of Whitecoats just popping out of nowhere.
Falgrim: …Whitecoats…?
Inferian: They’re probably waiting over the hill. This was just some scouts from their army that wandered over here.
Calinai: They’re just some guys that wander around messing with tinkers. (bursting into song, to a very butchered tune akin to ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ – yes really) “We are the tinkerer fucker-ups! Goin’ around fuckin’ up tinks! We like to send a scout there.”

The group plans to loot the corpses. Their alignments inexplicably go down, possibly due to their discussion about how precisely the corpses should be desecrated. That done, they leave, expecting and getting no thanks from the tinkers. The DM vows to make Inferian’s incoming thralls the tinker herd. Halfway up the road they realize they forgot about the poor tinker who got beaten half to death.

Inferian: Well, that’s kind of awkward.

Calinai plans to return and abuse the tinker further for no good reason. The group awkwardly pauses.

DM: One turns to your group, locks eyes with you.
Inferian: “Get out.”
DM: Doesn’t say anything, but there’s something you can read in the tinker’s gaze. It’s, uh, it’s… what’s the word I’m looking for…
Inferian: Hatred?
DM: No.
Inferian: Loathing?
DM: They don’t hate.
Inferian: Malice?
Valiha: Disdain?
DM: Not even.
Inferian: Contempt?
Calinai: Annoyance?
Falgrim: Pity.
DM: It’s beseeching.
Inferian: Hunger?
Falgrim: Gassy?
DM: It’s a beseeching look.

The group vows to never play charades. Valiha uses this as an excuse to finally have her character leave the game, swapping her out for a scout later on down the line.

Falgrim: Two words. Dead. Second word: baby. What?
Calinai: I was thinking the same thing.
Valiha: And Inferian’s like, ‘screw you all!’
Inferian: Sorry, we kinda have the fate of the world riding on our actions here.
Falgrim: Yeah.
Inferian: Also I kinda forgot about the guy.
Falgrim: We ride back as inconspicuously as possible.
Inferian: Neutral good heaven will no longer accept me.

The jokes rapidly turn horrible, as is their wont. We are not horrible people, honest. We just have HORRIBLE SENSES OF HUMOR. Really.

Calinai: The tinkerers raped her. They’re not about violence, they’re all about the rape.
Inferian: Terrible!
Valiha: It’s not rape if it’s consensual!
DM: Well if YOU’D been the one that remained behind, perhaps.
Inferian: “SEDAI! Rape her!” “What? What happened to the mystique and awe that Sedai are supposed to be held in?”
Calinai: We’re all about the rape.
Inferian: IS THERE ANY ORGANIZATION ON THIS PLANET THAT’S NOT ALL ABOUT THE RAPE?!
Calinai: It’s the corruption of their organization.
Inferian: Falgrim, tell me, tell me it’s not true of the dwarves!
Falgrim: …weeeeeeellllllll….
Inferian: Ohhhh! Ohh – the whole world must burn… it’s the only way!
Calinai: He all of a sudden becomes a supervillain.
DM: What, are you just gonna stand on a hilltop for a year while you develop that massive ball you’re gonna throw at the world?

The group mocks Frieza for a while and calls it good. With a long walk ahead of them, they set a brisk pace to their destination. Somehow they have horses again! Valiha prepares to deploy her new character, Sioneva. Falgrim pronounces it “Sha-nay-nay.”

DM: Fortunately you won’t be traveling through the heavy wilderness as you were before.
Inferian: Thank god, no more 80 worgs after our hides for some reason.
Falgrim: No, just plains creepers.
Inferian: Oh no, the plains, we’re gonna meet, like, Benalish Monks and shit.
DM: You were traveling through a forest that didn’t even have a road through it. Was I NOT supposed to have something attack you?

Calinai attempts to leave the bathroom, but discovers Inferian has effectively barricaded the door with a mattress and plywood board. Tons of cheap laughter ensues.

Inferian: Are you guys gonna work on trying out that box spring after we leave?
Sioneva: (practically squeaks in horror)
Falgrim: Oh no, you’re first, baby. (waggles his eyebrows)
Calinai: (licks lips)
Inferian: (flicking motions with tongue)
Falgrim: (jerking backwards) Look, that want WAY too far! I’m not a homophobe but that was DISTURBING.
Inferian: We’re apparently playing “Homophobia Chicken” tonight! Whoever recoils first is a homophobe!
Falgrim: Apparently I lost. Thanks, guys, I wasn’t a homophobe until tonight.
Calinai: Uh-oh, the Gay Parade is coming!
Falgrim: I know a dude that works at the mall, he’s in for a surprise tomorrow. “You gay asshole.”
Calinai: “My friends have made me a gay-hater, sorry.”
Inferian: “I’m afraid I have to rip this down.” He’s ripping rainbows off of everything… (chokes or coughs or something.) Damn it. Karma.
Calinai: What, did you feel a cock in your ass suddenly?

The players just laugh themselves to very real tears for a while. The transcriber predicts disaster when this is transcribed, but luckily I am doing this in the comfort of my own home, where no one can kill me as a I richly deserve. The group changes the name of “French Vanilla” to “freedom vanilla”, then Inferian loudly demands to know where the Cheetohs are from the kitchen. Meanwhile, in that game that the group is actually playing, their travels are uneventful for a few days. The DM switches to Sioneva’s introduction; the noble she was travelling with and his party end up vanishing in the wilderness, leaving her alone at the camp for a couple of days. She spots the dust cloud kicked up by the party off in the distance. (The horses have vanished again, for the record.) The group cheerfully attempts to travel right on past her without stopping, but then, unusually, decide not to be royal jerks.

Falgrim: So it’s Sha-nay-nay and a Noldorian warrior.
Sioneva: No, it’s just me.
DM: She’s alone in the encampment. With horses.
Falgrim: With horses. Ah. Okay.
Inferian; Let’s rob her.
DM: I’m not even gonna give you the option of making that a joke. He suggests to you that you take the lone traveler.
Calinai: Based on everything we’ve done out of character, we’re well into “Chaotic chaotic”.
Inferian: I’d like to point out I’m only neutral good. I can be lawful if necessary. So far the need hasn’t arisen.
Falgrim: She’s waving to us, um, all right. “Greetin’s, fair traveler.”
Sioneva: “Greetings. Are you guys searching for the horn as well?”
Calinai: (forgetting to use the IC voice) “In a way, I guess we could be.”
Falgrim: “…Calinai, your voice got really deep!”
Sioneva: “I seem to have come into a bit of trouble.”
Falgrim: “Well, the way I see it, you seem to have come into a bunch of horses. That’s a good fortune in my book!”
Sioneva: “I had about half a dozen comrades with me, and…”
Calinai: She’s like, “they were knightly people. White hoods. Did you see them?”
Falgrim: White cloaks. “Uh, no..” Oh wait, I’m lawful good…
Sioneva: They seem to have wandered east into the grasslands and got lost.
DM: You find being of elven blood in Whitecloaks ranks… they’re not racially driven per se, but their hardnose policy does little to attract races outside of humans. Not common for an elf or a dwarf to be caught up with them.
Falgrim: “Blasted fools.”
Calinai: Wait. So a group of humans called… Whitehoods--
DM: Whitecloaks.
Calinai: -- I assume they have hoods – are racist.
DM: They call themselves the Children of the Light, most people refer to them as Whitecloaks. That’s what they see. They have no problem with black humans!
Inferian: No problem with dead black humans.
Calinai: Black gnomes.
DM: They have a problem with people who meddle with witchcraft and wizardry.
Inferian: Even now as we speak, their army lays siege to Hogwarts.
Calnai: (blowing the voice again) “Perhaps we could purchase some horses from you.” I can’t get her voice right. This ice cream is making my throat too cold.
DM: I won’t hold it against you, because that was priceless.

Given that clearly some danger exists to the east, the party decides to head to the east to investigate, lest others fall pray to said danger.

Sioneva: I hobble the horses, if they haven’t been hobbled already.
DM: It may be that Sioneva—
Falgrim: Sha-nay-nay!
DM: --may have some ability in helping you to find their trail.
Inferian: “We won’t leave her here. After all, she’s the one who knows who her companions look like. Otherwise we might be attempting to rescue a group of jack-booted thugs.
DM: (bursting into laughter) Jack-boots! (vaguely German accent) “Thank goodness you’ve come to our rescue. Now we can get back to executing halflings!”
Inferian: The reason the goose-step was invented in this universe: because it puts the foot at the perfect height to kick halflings.

Inferian uses Sense Motive on Sioneva, rolling an 8 and getting a 29 due to a feat that otherwise is useless except as a prestige class requirement. Calinai accuses Inferian of gargling gravel on a daily basis. The DM attempts to figure out how they’re traveling, again.

DM: Will you set off on horseback, or will you leave the mounts here?
Sioneva: I hobble the mounts, and I’m –
Calinai: By hobble the mounts… she broke their legs?!
Sioneva: No!
DM: Hobblins is not breaking horses --!
Calinai: That’s what I thought hobbling was! You tear apart their legs! Fucking smash their shit up!
Sioneva: No!
DM: Why would there be a name for such a practice?!
Calinai: I don’t know!
Sioneva: Calinai… what you do is tie their legs together, like one hind leg and one front leg, so they can’t run away.
Calinai: (a very long pause) So they’re sitting there like this. (contorting legs and arms in what can only be considered an extremely poor impression of a hobbled horse) How are they standing?
Falgrim: One, one, one. Not both.
DM: Calinai, you watch in horror as she walks around each horse in turn, breaking its legs! This seeming to be a perfectly normal reaction to the situation! Apparently you’re dining on horse meat tonight!
Inferian: Welp, I’ll just head into the inn, don’t want my horse… (making a smashing motion)
DM: Inferian, an approving nod as each leg is broken, with arms folded. Falgrim, holding a natural racial dislike for horses, you also nod approvingly.
Inferian: “Excellent technique.”
DM: Since your own allies seem to find this a normal practice, to your horror…
Calinai: I pull out my dictionary.
Inferian: You disbelieve!
Calinai: I disbelieve it!
DM: Well, the image before you fades! You find her tying the fore and hind leg of each beast, so they cannot wander… strangely UNLIKE the vision of hobbling which you had imagined.
Inferian: I disbelieve the fat lady…

Gathering themselves up, the four prepare to move once again. Sioneva plans to track her wayward companions, which should not be a hard task.

Sioneva: I’m using every iota of tracking ability I’ve got.
Inferian: Which is none, oh no!
Sioneva: I’ve got the feat, jackass.
Inferian: (intending to be humorous and not prophetic) Somehow we end up in a dungeon, “What the--?!”
Sioneva: (slowly) I have the feat, jackass.

The group follows the trail as it leads from grasslands into foothills, and their conversation wanders to weird places.

Falgrim: Gelatinous cub?
Inferian: Don’t get between it and the mam gelatinous bear!
DM: That’s just another word for “gummy bear”.

Sioneva tracks onwards, eventually locating what appears to be a wide-mouthed cave or depression set into the hillside – though it ultimately gets described as a bigass hobbit hole. After some scouting to determine if the group had come here, Inferian deploys his psicrystal to scout. There’s a lot of rubble and detritus on the floor inside, which would be difficult to navigate, as well as a curious sort of item that appears to be a plant thorn more than anything. Inferian recalls his crystal and Falgrim steps carefully into the cave as Inferian buffs. They all venture in, and Falgrim steps up to poke the thorn. Falgirm sniffs it and Sioneva makes some Knowledge rolls, and they identify it as some sort of spine, almost certainly repitilian. All they can be sure is that it isn’t a dragon, as Swerengin would be aware of it.

Sioneva: He’s a jealous god.
DM: He’s not jealous, he just… keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If there was one living here, he probably would have made you aware of it, or at least if there was one around that would have been a threat to you… So if there is one, he probably thought you could handle it.
Inferian: Thanks, Swerengin.
Calinai: I’m just waiting for this to turn disastrous.
Inferian: As you bring the group around a corner, Inferian’s crystal spots something that sends a light bulb over Inferian’s head.
Sioneva: Ding!
Falgrim: “WHAT THE HELL’S THAT?!”
Inferian: “I DON’T KNOW! GET IT OFF!”
DM: On the cave floor is a woven pouch. It’s not secured but it is closed.
Sioneva: I poke it.

Inside, they find a tinderbox and a patch with arms; Sioneva recognizes it as the seal of the noble who they’re following. They continue onwards, Inferian pitting M&Ms against each other in duels to the death as they go. Amazingly, one survives repeatedly.

Inferian: Three in a row!
DM: Maybe you shouldn’t eat that one…
Inferian: I think it’s gaining experience!
DM: It’s now a level five M&M, you should add it to your party.

It immediately fails and Inferian eats it. The group begins climbing up a short distance in the next cave.

DM: If you all are going along, one of you is going to need to help Falgrim along.
Falgrim: What?!
DM: Climbing is not exactly difficult for you, but some of the height –
Falgrim: But I’ve got a plus nine in Climb! I have five ranks!
Inferian: What does your plate mail subtract?
Falgrim: … Shut up!
Calinai: He has plate mail of Spider Cling, that’s what I read on his sheet.

Falgrim retaliates by rolling a natural 20 on his Climb check, bounding up like he’s on Gummiberry Juice. As they continue to climb, they find an oddly-shaped rock.

Inferian: It’s a dire rock!
Sioneva: What does it look like?
DM: Well, if you didn’t know any better… you stoop to put your hand on it – no, this is not a mimic, it’s not a trap.
Inferian: It’s a mimicking trap.
DM: The rock is shaped peculiarly like the bottom half of a leg. You can kind of make out a foot…
Sioneva: I poke it, is it actually…
DM: No, it’s rock.
Inferian: None of us have the necessary knowledge to identify the basilisk, do we.
DM: Apparently you do.
Inferian: I have the necessary out of character knowledge to identify the basilisk.

It turns out to be Knowledge(arcana). The group has to remind Calinai she HAS that knowledge, which she then finally rolls successfully. Everyone rolls Listen checks, and enough hear pebbles rolling down a slope to panic.

Inferian: I shut my eyes and tell my psicrystal to do my looking for me!
Falgrim: Oh please tell me I took Blindfighting.
Inferian: You didn’t.
Falgrim: No…
DM: The pebbles have come from above you, although obviously not so high as the ceiling.
Inferian: SENSE MOTIVE! (rolls) You’re gonna die!
DM: Yes, you sense death from above.
Calinai: You sense the motive of the rocks, they’re falling on you.

Initiative is called for! The group decides to slay the creature rather than leave it alive to terrorize others, despite no one having any way to restore stone to flesh. They quickly brush up on the rules for fighting blind, decide it functions like a game of Battleship, and start hollering coordinates. Firing blindly, Sioneva deals 7 points of damage. Falgrim says to hell with it, looks, and easily makes the DC 13 Fort save. He smacks it, failing to crit. Inferian mindlinks everyone together for guidance.

Falgrim: “When I get turned to stone, put me in a nice park!”
Inferian: “Okay, well, we were going to get you cured, but I guess we could do that—“
Falgrim: “Nonowait, do that instead!

Calinai pops out a flaming sphere onto the thing. Falgrim continues to call out “Sha-nay-nay!” every time Sioneva is named. The second (!) basilisk fails to hit her, and she returns with a brutal shot. Inferian and Falgrim vie for describing rights. Falgrim delivers a crit this time, for 31, which fails to drop it. Inferian blindly swings his morningstar and misses. Calinai’s fiery burst and sphere slaughter the injured basilisk handily.

Falgrim: “KILLSTEALER!”

Sioneva again artfully dodges the basilisk, then immediately misses. Inferian joins her in missing horribly. Calinai rolls her sphere over, then fiery bursts, and only does 10 points as it dodges the sphere entirely. Falgrim works on scooting over slowly, while the basilisk actually manages to hit Sioneva to everyone’s surprise. The crit is only 13 to her, and she responds with two natural 20s in a row, putting out one eye with a crossbow bolt. Falgrim claims the kill with 32 damage.

Inferian: Are there any others? Before we open our eyes? I roll a Listen check if necessary…
Falgrim: “I don’t see an—“
Inferian: “You’re stopping because you’re surprised, right? You saw a haul of treasure, right? Falgrim? That must be some treasure, right? Hello? Uh-oh…”

Exposing the cavern to the full and amazing range of genre-savvy players’ paranoia, they determine that no other basilisks are likely to be present. The players wonder if they are looking for eggs.

Falgrim: “Basilisk eggs?!”
Inferian: “Those would sell for a pretty penny.”
Falgrim: “Or taste very delicious!”
Inferian: “…I really doubt.” All right, no one here has Profession(chef)…
Falgrim: We’ll give it to a chef later on! Turns him into a statue somehow…
Inferian: “Time to crack these eggs!” Crack, thump… (baby basilisk noises)
Calinai: He’s just frozen like that.
Inferian: We’re out waiting in the dining room, we don’t even know what happened, but suddenly our alignments shift.
Falgrim: “Aww, does this mean breakfast is not comin’?”
Calinai: We hear the glass smash, we hear screams in the preschool nearby.. A door opens up to hell. “C’mon in!”
Falgrim: “Straight ta the ninth level, come on.”
Inferian: Why is a dwarf sending us to the ninth level of hell?

The party prepares to seek out the statue-y remnants of Sioneva’s party. They find only pieces, however. Sioneva finds tracks at the intersection of two paths, calls out down them, and finds one goes deeper than the other. Falgrim attempts to peel an orange and manages to spray himself directly in the eye with its juice. They swiftly search their cavern for potential treasure, find nothing, and declare it boring.

DM: I’ll put it in meta-speak.
Falgrim: “GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAVE.”
DM: No, in meta-speak, these particular creatures don’t give treasure.
Inferian: There’s always a chance you placed some down here.
DM: That’s true, but the chance would be much greater had I managed to find time to roll up treasure.

As they continue to descend, the air gets more humid. Sioneva continues to track, finding animal tracks but nothing humanoid. They encounter flying cows – err, bats and argue over whether what they encounter are stalactites or stalgmites, before encountering a pool of water. Inferian’s psicrystal spots a large but currently motionless form close to the side of the pool. They identify it as a hydra, to their horror, and look amongst each other as the hydra starts to stir, then quickly buff.

DM: If you don’t die, I’ll put it in these terms, just scoop up the treasure and take it with you and I’ll have the particulars available…
Inferian: “If” we don’t die.
DM: If you don’t die. It’s not like you won’t, but I bumped this up because I’m like, “Oh, they just kill everything of their own level…”

They quickly review hydra-fighting rules, as Inferian gets munched by a head. Sioneva and Calinia, and Inferian all return literal fire as Falgrim cleaves. Inferian and Sioneva get into a Bluff/Sense Motive fight over whether or not he is physically in the corner (he is not).

Inferian: “Uh-oh, my voice is starting to get a little less raspy now!” (points a finger at his own mouth as if blasting himself) “There we go.” “Hey, why do you start every morning down 1d6 hit points?” “No reason. I sleep poorly. Nightmares. Nightmares of my dead family. You gonna ask any more questions? Dead family.”
Falgrim: “Uh, Inferian, do you, uh, know where the butter is?”
Inferian: “Dead family!”
Calinai: We later find out that by dead family he means the family he called family, which is his dog. Bungo. Who died of old age, naturally.
Inferian: My goldfish named “family”.
Calinai: And his goldfish, who also died naturally. No deaths, there was nothing wrong, he had a very happy childhood. Happy parents. Who are currently retired. He has no reason to be the way he is.

The hydra delivers some bites all around, critting Sioneva. She nails it in the gut for max damage in return. The DM bemoans his inability to slay the PCs as Falgrim deals the finishing blow. And on that note the game ends!