dragonoflife | (no subject)

Our story begins with our previous story, as pretty much everyone has forgotten the plot. Khor attempts to remind Rhuarc of what little he himself remembers.

Khor: ...we were passing by the glade where that spirit tried to make you molest a woman in a pond, but were distracted by a heavy metal band.
Bannorm: (Who had wandered in mid-story) All I heard you say was "molest a woman in a pond", and I was wondering, what story was Khor telling?

The DM has set up the battle scene: an elaborate minimap with zombies, skeletons, ghouls, and terrain. The players survey it -- and the four-to-one odds against them.

Aliz: Now, my understanding is that we can just turn and walk away. I say we should do that. It'd piss off the DM anyway.
Khor: It's a bad idea to make your DM vengeful. As you guys. Should. Have. Learned. By now.
DM: (perfectly innocent)When have we made you vengeful?

Electing to stay on the rails, the PCs settle in for the description of the scene, in which lightning slashes across the sky and rain falls heavily over the battlefield. An armored warrior is being beaten up by numerous skeletons, on the other side of the pond. The players snicker at the dramatic scene.

DM: I almost said dark and stormy, give me a break. Okay, they haven't noticed you, so you all get a surprise round.
Rhuarc: I rage. RrraaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGGH!
Bannorm: So much for surprise.
Khor: There's not much I can do.
DM: You could cast a spell.
Khor: Not in front of them! Hmm... should I have my dog go for the boss guy?
Aliz: He'd get shredded by attacks of opportunity.
Khor: Naw, they all start out flat-footed.
Willow: (having won initiative, clubs a skeleton)
Khor: Okay, yeah, my dog is going for it. (moves the dog in a charge attack across the map)
DM: Can it move that far?
Khor: Exactly that far and no more.
Bannorm: And no less.

The dog attacks successfully, and then, being war-trained, makes its follow-up trip attack -- which succeeds. Start of the first round and the boss is on the ground!

Aliz: (indicating the other minis now surrounding the dog) Those skeletons are going to rape your dog.
Rhuarc: How does a skeleton rape?
Bannorm: It has lots of boners!
Everyone: (groaning)
Aliz: (offers a Star Crunch to Willow)
Willow: I can't really have that, they're not exactly sugar-free.
Aliz: Thank god! "Sugar free Star Crunch, this is horrible!"
Khor: It's STYROFOAM!

The skeletons attack, pummeling Willow; the ghoul-boss crits the dog despite its -4 penalty from lying on the ground, paralyzing it. Aliz complains about his stats for a while.

Khor: What round is it?
DM: We just finished the first round. When you're finished bellyaching, we will start the second. Finished?

Willow smashes a skeleton to dust. The DM picks up the mini, then discovers the coin he'd placed under it to track its lots HP is missing.

DM: (sadly)My nickel is gone, isn't it.

Several of the skeletons move forward, attacking here and there. Rhuarc is off to one side Cleaving skeletons to dust with gleeful raging abandon through most of this fight, while Bannorm is turning them. Aliz, forgetting the ghoul has different initiative, points to the mini.

Aliz: Is this guy just taking a nap?
DM: It's not his initiative yet!
Aliz: He could've got up last round after his attack!
DM: ...Well, yeah.
Khor: He wasted his action gloating. "Ha ha, I crit that dog good!" (Scooping up a d20) You cannot grasp the true form of Khor's attack! (promptly rolling a three.)
Aliz: (picking up his character to wave it at the DM) You know what, you need to let me raise one of theseaaaaah I keep looking at them! (buries his face in the character sheet and weeps)
DM: The ghoul stands up, then points at you, Khor, possibly because you're the closest, but possibly for some other reason, because he says something under his breath that sounds like--
Khor: "You're not a warblade, I thought you were a warblade."
DM: "Doom upon you, nature-lover!"
Khor: Oh no, he cursed me.
DM: It's Doom, it's like Bane but on only one target, and -2.
Khor: (blase) Oh no, that just cancels out the bonuses from bardsong and Shillelagh.
Aliz: (rolling an attack, then cursing) 11.
Khor: Did you add your strength?
DM: Wink wink!
Aliz: Shut the fuck up.
Rhuarc: Did you add your bardsong?
Aliz: Yes!
DM: Actually, that's pretty close!
Aliz: My stats suck!
DM: It was close, though.
Khor: But it still misses.
DM: Yeah.
Aliz: Then what was the fucking point of saying that!

The dog recovers from its paralysis, but is on the ground and will incur mass AoOs if it stands. Khor orders it to play dead. Bannorm, after a brief turn-fight with the ghoul, who is also a cleric, advanced forward only to realize he has no blunt weapons.

Willow: Pick up a club off the ground.
DM: You could just use your morning star, I mean holy symbol.
Bannorm: (sighing) All right, I'll move over here....
Willow: "Go pick up a club off the ground, Bannorm."
Bannorm: "Shut the fuck up, Willow."
DM: Across the pond, the warrior has fallen. A light emerges from the armor. It's a butterfly, being drawn this way. The ghoul laughs and turns, walking towards the pond --
Khor: My dog gets an attack of opportunity!
DM: ..Yes. It's still on the ground.
Khor: Nineteen! Not so well on the trip though...
DM: It's its Strength?
Khor: Strength or Dexterity, whichever is highest.
DM: ...He's down.

Triumphant jubilation. The PCs beat the crap out of the downed villain and the remaining skeleton, then shut its evil-spirit-drawing cage, freeing the spirit from its pull.

Rhuarch: We could invent some proton packs, and toss that into the middle of the clearing...
Willow: (to something entirely unrelated) Yeah, it's like you hold the Pokemon down, and then you sex it.
Bannorm: (as the DM traces dots on the map to indicate the butterfly's motion Dammit Jeffy!
Khor: Can you make me a sammich, mommy?
DM: Shut up!

The glade begins to return to normal. The glade goats emerge from the overgrowth, baa-aa-ing.

Bannorm: Food!
DM: The goat baa-s, but Willow, you hear it speaking words.
Rhuarc: "Lo-o-ok in the la-a-ake, in the bottom, there's a pe-e-e-entagram!"

The players loot the corpse, discovering a valuable comb, a set of stinking studded leather, and an electrum dagger with a ruby, which they hand to Bannorm to appraise.

Bannorm: Oh, this is a valuable gem indeed... (looking shiftily about, then miming biting off the ruby)
Aliz: Oh, but when he bites into it he discovers it's just chocolate.
Babborm: It is lovely, but you got a little thing there -- (unwrapping motions)-- foil?!
Aliz: (to Khor and Rhuarch) Didn't you guys have wild dreams when you slept here?
Khor: Yes, very wild.
Aliz: I want to get in on that!

The nature spirit emerges from a magical door, wearing a robe and smiling broadly. She invites the heroes into the Dream, for a feast to reward them for their deeds.

Khor: Untrained Sense Motive check!
DM: Her true intentions are to feed you!
Khor: Feed us.. to her wolves? Feed us... to her goats? Finish the sentence!
DM: There's no space dust here!

The heroes enter the Dream to enjoy the well-laid feast. Many strange and unusual foods abound -- the food of the elves, but most of the characters don't know that.

Rhuarc: And a roast pig.
Bannorm: There WAS a roast pig.
Khor: We just see the head vanishing into Bannorm's mouth...

The spirit explains that she was created by the dreams of elves, and that she is very young, and knows very little about men...

Khor: Time to teach her the TRUE meaning of men! (pregnant pause) I leave the toilet seat up!
DM: "I'm very weak, now... in fact, this feast is the last of my power."
Khor: Now don't we feel like jerks.
Bannorm: (sighs and puts his finger down his throat)
Khor: You throw up the pig whole.
Aliz: "But you, warrior, I want to reward you specially..." (making an unzipping motion)
Khor: How is she unzipping a robe?
Bannorm: I'm pretty certain I chewed...
DM: Shut up!

The players continue to divert, distract, and otherwise pay no attention to the plot as the DM prods them. One side-conversation actually earns a comment from him -- and then the players turn on him, demanding he get back to the story.

DM: There's no justice for a DM.

The players resume their original mission -- track Aliz's sister's boyfriend down and give him her note. After failing to find him at the elven lands, they track him to a cabin nestled snugly up on a cliff. By revealing their purpose, they immediately piss off the old woman -- his aunt -- who has imprisoned him.

Aliz: I'm singing a song to calm her down!
Khor: We gotta get in on this.
Bannorm: We're backup singers?
Khor: "She doesn't love you any moooore!"
Khor & Bannorm: "Any mooooore!"
Khor: "She thinks you are a filthy man-whore!"
Khor & Bannorm: "A fiilthy maan whoooooore."
Khor: Why are we not getting experience for this?
DM: (to Aliz, who has actually rolled) Your song has succeeded in calming her down. She pulls her head back in the window, then tossed down a rope.
Aliz: What? Oh, I thought you said a robe!
Khor: (fake, fake sexy) "Yooohoooo!" No, she's so old she sags all the way to the ground, we have to climb that....
DM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

After a few minutes, the DM puts his horror aside and resumes running the game. The players climb up the rope and meet with the boyfriend, and all proceed off on horribly different tacks -- Aliz wavers between encouraging him, advising him, and putting him off; Bannorm wisely remains silent; Rhuarch slips him a knife to use in an escape from his aunt's cellar; Khor berates him for his magic powers until he finally snaps and launches into a destroy-world-now sulk; Willow gets fed up and leaves. Satisfied with a job well-done, the players head back to try to pick up the trail of the undead horde, but are unable to.

Khor: It seems the DM hasn't prepared the adventure beyond this point. (beat)I'm smoten by lightning.

And so, levelling up, the players settle to prepare for three weeks of downtime...