(no subject)

[dragonoflife]

The first part of this is somewhat sparse, both due to time elapsed and the fact that there weren't a ton of good quotes from the session; my apologies.

Trapped on the northern continent, the PCs are forced to take a ship back to the confederated lands and the Adventurers' Guild. Gathering at the appropriate time and place, the group eyes the Wacky Cast of Characters preparing to board the ship with them with some dismay -- and wonder how long the journey is going to take.

Ralth: It's probably months.
Sargassas: Months?! Look, let me show you something. (grabbing the world map) Now, a straight line between here and the southern continent? Months. But watch when I do this! (folding the map, so that the two continent are touching) Bam!
DM: Okay, you see the southern continent approaching from the skies!

Boarding the ship, the PCs are forced to interact with the Wacky Cast of Characters. It includes the hostile, wealthy dwarf from the previous report; a real asshole who makes disparaging comments to, and about, everyone; the elven swordwright from the previous report; a rough-around-the-edges barbarian who Iglar promptly befriends via sparring; a friendly priest; a poncy aristocrat; a quiet guy; a pair of gnome brothers who are friends with the quiet guy; a quiet monk; the captain, his wife, the crew... The DM patiently makes the PCs roleplay, against their wishes, for a day or two of travel time -- and then the dwarf turns up smothered to death and robbed!

Sargassas: There's something I haven't told you, I like to choke dwarves.

Because Ralth is a halfling, and therefore persona non gratis in the confederated lands (and this ship), the captain allows the PCs to investigate -- because otherwise Ralth will almost immediately be blamed. The PCs investigate through many means which aren't really all that interesting to detail, but ultimately discover the odd circumstance that the gnomes are no longer in their room: they're in with the quiet guy, who is their friend. Also, rats seem to be involved somehow...

Ralth: If they're not in their room, I'm going to try to open their lockbox.
DM: It's still being guarded by his dog.
Ralth: Dog, huh...? I wonder if the dog could be responsible for any of this.
DM: Sure, it's a dog that turns into a rat for some reason!
Ralth: (to the dog) You are the most pathetic creature in the world.
Iglar: We need to see what is going on with the gnomes. Iglar is going to grab a cask of wine.
Dian: Someone stop him.
Khoriane: I'm with Ralth right now!
Sargassas: We told you never to leave him! Why did you leave him?!
Iglar: Iglar is going to crash into his room with the wine cask, and shout, "Ho, friend! Won't you join me in a drink?" And then I'll try to get a look at the gnomes...
Other PCs: (staring in horror)
DM: (giving Iglar a moment to explain he was just kidding)
Iglar: (waiting expectantly)
DM: ...okay. As you crash into his room, he charges you with a bull rush attack... "Get out of my room!".. and knocks you back... 10 feet. You stumble backwards, smash through the door behind you, and land on the aristocratic guy. He begins screaming.
Other PCs: (staring in horror)
DM: "Help! Heeeelp! He's trying to kill me!" Down the hall, the jackass bursts out of his room, sword drawn. "At last the creature shows its true colors! Half-giant, I'll see you pay for your crimes!" Gen (the friendly barbarian) tries to block him, but he shoves past, charging at Iglar with a drawn blade.
Sargassas: (looking directly at the DM) You're a fucking asshole.
DM: Iglar, you take six points of damage. Gen, seeing this, moves to deck him with a primal yell.
Khoriane: Oh great, he's raging.
Iglar: I grapple him.
DM: Okay, you've pinned him, though he keeps struggling to try to attack you.
Iglar: I give him a quick tickle.
DM: ...okay, that fails to bring him out of his enrage. Meanwhile, the aristocrat is still cowering and screaming in the corner of his room.
Ralth: That's concentrated fear coming out his backside!
Iglar: "Calm down! Calm down!"
DM: The jackass brandishes his holy symbol. "By my god, I swear I will see you defeated, monster!"
Dian: (bursting onto the scene in a flurry of it's-his-initiative-blows) Stunning Fist! That for your holy symbol!

The jerkass is subdued, as is Gen -- but the ship's captain and crew show up, clap everyone in irons, and chain them up belowdecks with the unsettled, frothing horses.

Sargassas: My horse doesn't froth, it's not a Tuesday!
Ralth: (who had managed to avoid imprisonment by way of not getting into the fight) It's only for one night. I'm gonna head back to quarters.
Dian: You could pick the locks.
Ralth: What locks?
Dian: The locks chaining us to the --! Never mind, good night Ralth.

Ralth, deciding not to waste Iglar's 'sacrifice', enters the quiet man's room -- and is promptly assaulted by gnomish wererats! The captain and his wife hurry to assist him, locking the wererats in the room behind them.

DM: "How can we capture them?"
Ralth: "Bring me cheeeeese!"

Meanwhile, in the hold, the other PCs discuss where they went wrong...

Sargassas: "Khoriane, sit on Iglar's shoulder. She will be your brain now..."

The PCs are taken to trial for their crimes of brawling and violence, but said trial is interrupted by the weregnomes -- one psion, one ranger -- being discovered and attacking them from the ship's crow's nests. Iglar enlarges himself and climbs a mast, but becomes a giant roadblock as it's suggested to him that he better hold on to the mast tight lest he fall. Dian snatches arrows out of the air as they rocket towards him, someone kicks the other gnome off the far crow's nest (splatting his dog as well), and at last the psionic gnome is hurled into a barrel, which is promptly sealed.

Sargassas: No more were-rats, werewolves, were...jerks, were-anything!
Dian: It's pitch black in there, right? He can't see anything to use his powers?
DM: He'll be eaten by a were-grue.
Sargassas: They were were-gnomes! Rats that turned into gnomes!

The PCs begin to interrogate the captive -- both with bribery...

Dian: A Kloooooondike bar!

...and torture.

Iglar: I shake the barrel!
DM: "Ow ow ow! There's only one thing left I can do... CRUNCHETIZE ME, CAPTAIN!" Another ship smashes into yours, you're all turned into cereal...

The PCs eventually discover the nondescript friend of the gnomes is also a wererat! They quickly capture him and seal him in a lockbox -- painfully.

Sargassas: More wererats! How many wererats ARE there? Everyone is a wererat!
DM: There are no more wererat!
Iglar: (eyeing the DM's campaign notebook) That's a thick notebook, you could have a lot of wererats in there...

But the DM was speaking the truth! The ship voyage ends at last, to the players' immense relief, and they are returned to Guildhome, where their dragon patron awards them with money, goodies, and a legendary set of robes for Khori. Also, the WORST gift of all: a promise to defray the expenses of housing for them. Why is that the worst? Tune in.. next time!