22 May 2017 @ 08:39 pm


Rise of Tiamat! The game begins with Lualyrr attempting to kill herself. The DM reminds them of their position: they had just entered the cave that is presumably the dragon’s lair.

DM: What do you do?
Raven: Panic and run in circles?
Thalynmar: Ooh!
Maldrake: (flatly) Don’t. You. Want. Me. Baby.
Krixxix: I’m gonna go fill up my water bottle!
DM: It’s full. That’s all there is to it…
Thalynmar: I imagine it coming down too hard it’s just like -- (miming the bottle disintegrating with a poof) Damn it!
DM: Roll a d20, I have a Damage by Level and Severity table here.
Krixxix: Aww, son of a bitch. Do I lose my arm?
DM: Let’s find out… I’m sorry, a bear that was fishing for salmon swipes your arm off, taking it off at the stump.
Krixxix: A bear fishing for salmon thought your arm was a salmon. “Close enough.”

The DM reminds them they have a Decanter of Endless Water; the players angrily remind him that it’s loud. They deploy their ridiculous spells and bionic eyes to counter the darkness, then head down the tunnel. They hear a clangor! The group argues with the DM about this word for a while.

DM: God forbid I use a vocabulary word.
Krixxix: Yeah seriously, stop that.
Maldrake: I don’t think you understand your audience, I really don’t.
DM: And into the glow of your light step four elves. The one in the front is dressed more finely, and has a rapier drawn but held at a ready posture at his side. Not menacing you, yet. While the ones behind him, in more peasant fare, heft clubs in their hands and do their best to look intimidating at you. The elf in front looks at you all, noting – halfling, dwarf, human, no elves among you –
Lualyrr: (malicious laughter)
DM: And with a slight twist of his lips, condescends to speak to you in the Common tongue. “State your names!”
Maldrake: Elves should write letter to… what’s the company that designs it now?
Thalynmar: Wizards of the Coast.
Maldrake: Have them make elves better.

Some of them give their names. Krixxix tries to take over the introductions; it isn’t clear if anyone is treating this as IC or not.

DM: “And whom do you serve?”
Thalynmar: “The Lords of Waterdeep.”
Eben: ‘Sarumaaaaaaaaan!’
DM: The – the elf just looks at you, with a long pause, trying to figure out if you’re being truthful or deceitful, making a joke. “The Lords of … Waterdeep?”
Krixxix: “Yep. All of them.”
Maldrake: “A council was formed to deal with the threat of the dragons. It was assumed the threat out here was dealt with, but it was not. So we are here to deal with the dragons.”
DM: “You’re… here to deal with the dragon?”
Maldrake: “Yep. We tracked it to this cave.”
Krixxix: “Have you seen it?”
DM: “I’ll – I’ll call for it. ATTACKERS! INVADER!” The elf screams into the back of the tunnel, and the voice rings out over the stone as he hefts his rapier, and the three clubs of the other elves come swiftly to bear!
Thalynmar: Clubs come to bear. ‘Raaaaawr!’
Eben: They are coming.
Thalynmar: ‘And so am I. Wait a minute…’

Initiative! Raven, of all people, questions how this happened; the DM is baffled that they did no stealthiness at all. The DM attempts to draw the map, but the map is stupid-huge and he has to restart once or twice. The group unhelpfully plays Goofy singing Evanescence, because the incredibly-ADHD DM has the LONGEST attention span of all of them somehow. Thalynmar has completely forgotten Hugo Weaving’s name and refers to him only as ‘Agent Smith’. The group debates MOBAs for a bit, somehow not coming to blows, as they begin setting up their miniatures. Lualyrr is the first to act; as is her wont, she fires a Thunderwave directly into the backs of her comrades.

Lualyrr: I’ll do Shatter instead.
DM: Good old Shatter. They’re all immune!
Lualyrr: What.
Thalynmar: BLUNDERwave!
Maldrake: Leave Raiden the Blunder God out of this. Who the fuck gave this guy a time machine?

The Shatter goes off in the midst of the group and promptly wipes the three club guys mercilessly. Krixxix plants an arrow into the guy’s throat.

Krixxix: As he’s dying, I’m going to run up to him and be like, “You should have just let us pass.”
Thalynmar: Uh, I’m going to hold him.
Krixxix: Actually, yeah, as he’s dying—
Thalynmar: I’m gonna trip Krixxix.
DM: Roll your attack.

Maldrake steps up and gives the elf a point of health back while Krixxix and Thalynmar are quibbling in the background. Thalynmar shoves Krixxix down and the DM gleefully describes the halfling’s humiliation.

Maldrake: “You had a chance to join us. Take a moment to save yourselves.”
Eben: What chance are you talking about?!
Maldrake: Just then! He didn’t have to yell out to the dragon, he could have come over and whispered to us, it’s not like the dragons was watching at the time. Anyway. “I’m going to give you a second chance. You can save you and your friends right now. Tell us what you know.”
DM: Roll a Persuasion check. You have advantage.
Thalynmar: 2 and 3.
Maldrake: Persuasion’s my one – like one that’s up there. Heh, the natural 1 was spared. Still comes out to an 18.
DM: The elf looks at you. You see something lighten in his eyes. He points off into the darkness below. “The lake! He will come from the lake! All the others are coming too. Beware!”
Eben: ‘We cannot get out!”
DM: “Neronvain! Beware! Chuth! They will kill you! Run!”
Maldrake: “We have a mission. That’s what we came to do.”

Maldrake encourages the others to play dead, then strips them naked and fondles them?! They hear the grumbling of voices from the darkness, and wonder idly if the elves can crawl away. Ettins appear in the edges of the driftglobe’s light! Maldrake somehow triggers Darude Sandstorm, as the initiative count rolls around to the top. Lualyrr merrily declares herself useless. They encourage her to cast spells, but the DM reminds them of the dragon!

Maldrake: Every other time that we faced a dragon, I don’t think she had a chance to cast a spell against it.
Lualyrr: Yeah, pretty much.
Eben: The dragon’s busy taking Thalynmar down to 30 hit points in one round. And one-shotting Krixxix. And using terrain to render me completely ineffective.

Lualyrr shoots an ettin with her crossbow! 6 points of damage results.

DM: I should not give it an extra 100 hit points by accident. Good work, self. The ettin pauses in its grumbling, looks down at the crossbow bolt, then stalks forward, even as its heads keep up a running banter. “Hey, he shot me.” “Well that ain’t cool.”
Lualyrr: He? He called me a he?!
DM: “Little guy in way!” “Me smash little guy!” “Me slice little guy!
Eben: (Toadwort voice) ‘Yes, get the small one first!’
DM: The small ogre from the castle appears.
Eben: Praise for the DM, for dropping in Toadwort multiple times!

Krixxix gets whacked with a morningstar for 15 and axed for 10! Krixxix angrily complains that he’s unintimidating and they shouldn’t care; the DM points out that no matter what, he’s right there in the front.

DM: “Little man still far back. We smash ‘em good.” “Ugh, this too far walk. Why we come out here anyway?” “Me didn’t want to come out here. You wanted to come out here.” “No, YOU want come out here!” “Both of you, shut up!” “No, you shut up!” Krixxix, Maldrake, even now the Ettins are arguing amongst each other, their hands reaching out to slap at each other. Not with weapons, sadly.

Krixxix refuses to drop his bow to engage in melee, so he falls back instead, even though this will cost him his sneak attack.

DM: If only you had a second backup bow!
Thalynmar: Two bows, what kind of madness is this? Who are you, Legolas? And he didn’t even carry two bows! What am I talking about?

Maldrake casts Aura of Vitality to heal Krixxix, while the halfling does 10 damage. Krixxix attempts BS with the driftglobe, which the DM barely even reacts to.

DM: Eben musters up his warlock powers, the ranting madness of the Great Old One coming to a froth in his head! In one hand, he grips his Rod of the Pact-Keeper, in the other—
Krixxix: He grips his own rod!
DM: The writhing tentacles that have formed into the staff that serves only him. The staff in your hand cries out to be unleashed. Wreak vengeance on them! Demolish them. Destroy them!
Eben: Yes.
DM: MAKE THEM SERVE THE MAD GOD!
Eben: Oh, can I change out patrons?! I wanna hear the Mad God.

Eben spends a little while trying to aim a lightning bolt. Some argument over the casting mechanic occurs. Eben rolls… really damn well, actually, with Maldrake gleefully calling out damage. One passes with a natural 20, the other fails! 41 points of damage!

DM: Eben points the staff and speaks a blasphemous word in the tongue no one knows, including himself. An eyeball swells up like a pustule on the edge of the staff—
Maldrake: Oh my god.
DM: Staring at the monsters before a mouth opens up in the pupil. A tongue of lightning lashes out, striking forward with electric force, before it coalesces into a solid forked tongue, and withdraws, slurping their blood into the staff at is does. The tongue runs along the pupil of the eyeball, licking off the last of the blood, before the eyeball bursts and pus oozes down to mix with the trickling water on the ground, befouling it.
Eben: The fuck?!
Raven: Wow, you just took five minutes to describe the attack.
Maldrake: The staff is pretty cool.
Eben: The flavor!
DM: “Hey, they usin’ magic!” “We got our own magic, it called smashin’!”
Maldrake: “Guys, that’s pretty funny.”
DM: (moving the ettin) “Oh, can’t reach! Guys get out of way! Me wanna smash!” “Me wanna smash first. Me ow him. He use weird lightning thing on me.” “It have eyeball.”

The group hopes one ettin is really really smart. Maldrake imagines very cancerous dragons, which is damn weird and awful… Raven whacks an ettin with a trip attack, knocking it down, and the group gangs up to pummel said ettin.

DM: You all hear a great sound as if water is crashing and splashing down in the depths.
Thalynmar: Oh, he’s coming.
Raven: That’s the dragon?
Maldrake: Could be taco night in a local castle.
DM: A voice hisses through the cavern. “Run fassster, little one. Fasster.”
Maldrake: “Yeah, unless you’re stronger than that white dragon who ran from us, and that blue dragon who ran from us, I’m pretty sure you’re in the same boat. Did you talk to them? They ran like bitches.”
DM: “I AM stronger… but I wasn’t talking to you.”
Maldrake: “Oh! My apologies. Didn’t mean to interrupt you!”
DM: “Quite all right.”

They envision the polite dragon fully healing them to fight at full strength, then angrily accuse it of being an emerald dragon hiding from Predators underneath a coating of lichen. I DON’T KNOW. Elves pour out of the darkness.

Maldrake: “I would suggest you just run past us! Don’t fight us. We’re just going to kill you if you do. We won’t be able to hold back.”
Lualyrr: “Free yourselves! Run past us and run out!”

The ettin rises and begins smashing Raven, but with some help from Maldrake he takes no damage. A second ettin wails on Lualyrr, while Krixxix fires off his Hide-sneak attack combo and plugs an ettin in the groin. Some audio is lost.

DM: Oh, this is a good night for you guys if my rolling keeps up like this. I have not been on a hot streak tonight.
Raven: The dragon will walk into the room and then impale itself on a spike.

The DM criticizes them for only casting Shatter, but it does a number on the ettins. The ettins squabble – Maldrake has taken one down in the lost period. Raven shields the paladin.

DM: JESUS CHRIST! That’s three natural 1s in a row.
Thalynmar: Wow.
DM: The dragon keels over dead.
Eben: The dragon?!
DM: Probably. The ettin smashes at your shield with blow after blow, both of the heads snarling in anger, till they finally begin shouting imprecations at each other. “Go to the left!” “Go to the right!” “No you idiot!” – until at last both of them at the same time bring up their fists and clock the other head with a mighty blow. The ettin drops limply to the ground, unconscious.
Maldrake: Sweet Jesus!

They continue to battle, till Raven finally rolls a crit that double-beheads an ettin. Another one whomps one of the fighters for 14. The crowd of elves rushes forward, in the sway of dragonfear , to the irritation of the group. One of them is a wizard, who intones a spell and lobs a fireball into the midst! This is less effective than it could be, since Krixxix evades and Maldrake and Raven shield-evade. Lualyrr remains obstinately unaware of all her class features.

Lualyrr: Can I get close to him?
DM: Who?
Lualyrr: Staffy-staff.
DM: You have to wade through a crowd of one ettin and a shitton of angry elves.
Maldrake: So no.
Lualyrr: I have to touch him to polymorph him.
Maldrake: Don’t worry about polymorphing, just set yourself to knockout mode.
Thalynmar: Except the ettins. They can die.
Lualyrr: I’ll shoot the ettin. He can suck 6 more points of damage.
DM: “Hey. What with you?”
Lualyrr: “You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny.”
DM: “Hey, you not using Vicious Mockery.”
Lualyrr: “Do you WANT me to?”
DM: “If you have to use hurtful words, at least use competent ones.”

The group discusses Mortal Kombat, because why not.

DM: While you all move to act, a hissing voice sounds from back again. “Ah, Neronvain. How good of you to join me. Shall we?” A deeper voice answers, “We will see them purged.”
Eben: That’s the Emerald Enclave asshole! Fucking Neronvain!
DM: What? Who are you talking about?
Thalynmar: Isn’t that one of the guys from the Council?
DM: No, you’re thinking of Melendrach.
Thalynmar: Who the fuck is Neronvain?
DM: You don’t know!
Thalynmar: Why the fuck not?!
DM: Why would you?!

The baffled group finds the dragon appearing, but the garlands around their necks exude warmth and the dragonfear does not affect them. Thalynmar has to make a Wisdom saving throw, though – and does not succeed!

Thalynmar: Oh crap.
Maldrake: Your friends have shiny weapons. Kill them?
Eben: Oh, a dominate person?
Maldrake: ‘Kill my friends! Kill my friends!’

The group argues about whether or not this the dragon’s lair or just the front step. The dragon asks Thalynmar very politely to stop Eben from doing more harm to his ettins, please.

Thalynmar: “Sure, why not.”

The mechanics of the whole thing are under constant rolling debate, but Maldrake himself wonders what he knows ICly. A good Arcana roll tells him that green dragons can muddle the minds of others, and Thalynmar may be compromised!

Maldrake: “I’m sorry friend… Hold Person!”
Thalynmar: Is it a will saving throw?
DM: Poor Thalynmar.
Thalynmar: They’re doing it right…
DM: His mind is the battleground of the masses.

Maldrake discovers that Hold Person is a concentration spell that will cost his Aura of Vitality, and is furious! We lose some audio, and pick up with Raven engaging the ettin.

DM: The ettin clashes his weapons together. “Bring it on! Gonna eat you!” “Yeah! I’m also gonna eat you!” “Our stomachs are both the same stomach, so both of us will be getting’ yer nutritional value! But each of us will taste a different part of you!”
Raven: Uh, thank you for this knowledge. 14.

The ettin is relieved it is not dead. Raven takes his second attack and drops it. Thalynmar is at last up to act on his charm!

Thalynmar: “All right, Eben, you gotta stop hitting our dragon friend…”
Maldrake: “No no, it’s okay. It’s – uh, Eben’s over there, he’s changed sexes, he’s that person over there, he snuck in to try to—“
Thalynmar: “Don’t be stupid, man.”
Maldrake: Hey! Lualyrr!
Lualyrr: What?
Maldrake: Throw your voice!
DM: What the fuck?
Maldrake: Throw your voice over there!
DM: I have no idea what just happened here…
Maldrake: I’m trying to convince him that Eben is over there.
DM: You’re not THAT stupid, you can see him with his writing tentacle staff of evil right there.
Thalynmar: Oh I know he’s right there!
Krixxix: I dunno, he’s got a -1 to his Intelligence modifier…

Maldrake tries a saner plan of trying to get Thalynmar to stop the elves, while physically blocking his path. Thalynmar shoves him down and stomps up to Eben.

Thalynmar: “All right, put the staff down, we can’t be hurtin’ our friend now.”
Krixxix: Hand him the staff, let him go crazy.
Thalynmar: Could be fun! …Is it permanent? I don’t know, never mind.
Eben: I don’t think it would do anything to you, though.

5E has no disarm rules, so that’s not helpful. The DM rules it to be an opposed check, Strength vs. Charisma. Eben wins, with advantage!

DM: Thalynmar, you reach out and lay a hand on the staff. Tentacles swirl around your fingers, and a pair of eyeballs open up between your joints. You yank your hand away and look at your hand hurriedly, but nothing is there.
Maldrake: “I told you not to do it! I told you not to take the wizard’s staff.”
Thalynmar: Fails a Wisdom roll. “Well, let’s try again.”
Eben: 17… 20.
DM: You seize the staff again, and pull it from Eben’s grasp. The tip of it unspools, and then each of the individual tentacles reach out, grab onto your head. You feel an abrupt tug, and take 1 point of Wisdom damage but the charm is broken.
Thalynmar: Why did he let go of it?
DM: …and then you hand it back to him.
Thalynmar: Oh, okay.

The elf who steps into the light looks faintly familiar--

Krixxix: Look, it’s black Marros.
DM: Yes. It’s black Marros. That’s exactly who this is.
Maldrake: You gave up quick.

The elf shoots a spell at Raven, conjuring a great arrow that strikes the fighter, then another! Raven takes a LOT of force and poison damage from these shots. Lualyrr flings a shatter, but the elven mage counters it! The elves swarm into the fray, but the only one that’s a real threat is the one wearing plate. The rest just all make a bunch of noise, while Maldrake decides the casters are now permanently useless and attempt to quit the game. The mage hits Krixxix with magic missiles; Krixxix, as usual, complains. The knight attacks Raven; Maldrake intercepts with his shield!

DM: The knight looks at Raven with disappointment in his eyes. Why would you allow another warrior to interfere in the battle?
Maldrake: SCARED DUMMY has a right to honor?!
DM: His second hit—
Eben: Is the rest of the battle going to stop and that caster quit ruining everything and the dragon back off and all of the other commoners back away so they can have a one-on-one? Fuck that elf! I don’t care if he’s being bullied into it – fuck that elf!

The dragon withers them with his gas breath, as the group has basically given up at this point. The elves drop like flies because the dragon cares nothing for their lives. Krixxix sobs in relief at just barely passing the save. 50 on a fail, 25 for success!

Raven: I’m at -21…
Thalynmar: Thank god we’re not playing 3.5.

Maldrake angrily complains that smites are worthless, pounding on the table as he does. The dragon creates a wall of thorny brush behind them to seal them in! Krixxix hides, then sneak-attacks and crits with an arrow of dragonslaying! It’s one hell of a blow all told, 161 damage.

DM: Your arrow flickers out –
Krixxix: FUCK YOU DRAGON!
Eben: Into its eye. Or into – there’s a patch under its left breast as big as a…
Thalynmar: Arrow! Black arrow! ‘Fuckyoubitches!’
Krixxix: I’m gonna be very upset if he escapes and I lose one of these arrows, because I only have one left.
Eben: What’s that? Barrel-Rider?
DM: The arrow fires out, and you hear no noise whatsoever save for a faint whisper as it strikes one of the dragon’s chest scales and pushes through it like’s just…
Thalynmar: Not there.
Krixxix: It was a fake dragon! It was frickin’ paper mache!
DM: A moment later, again you see but don’t hear the arrow emerge from the dragon’s back between its wings, and flick off into the distance to smash against the ceiling. The dragon goes completely still for a moment.

The group cracks up at this description.

DM: A drop of blood slowly wells up from the hole in front, then slowly drops down to join the ichor-infused water that Eben’s staff has left behind. “Neronvain?” “Yes?” “Kill the halfling.”

Again, the group cracks up. And applauds.

Maldrake: If we die you are going to be slowly digesting in a dragon! Or he is going to put you in a hole. Naked and bare as you swell in his stomach.

Eben refuses to do anything, predicting his every choice will be counterspelled. He turns to good old standby Eldritch Blast, even as his staff protests.

DM: “Use meeeee!”
Eben: “You’ll be dispelled! Err, counterspelled.”
DM: “Use me! Rip the mage’s soul from their body!”
Eben: “Last I checked you don’t have that on your list of abilities!”
DM: “You just have to be creative. Rip their soul from her body with DAMAAAGE! Hit poooints! They can be lost, Eben!”
Eben: Three counterspells!
DM: No!

That one ettin who knocked himself out stirs to wakefulness, in great confusion, then shrugs and goes along with the dragon’s command to kill Krixxix. Maldrake shields the first blow, but Krixxix gets whomped for 10.

DM: “Why me on floor, anyway? Anyone know?”
Maldrake: “It was a bad situation for you, buddy.”
Krixxix: What is the point in having armor? Nothing seems to stopped.
DM: “What happen?”
Maldrake: “The elves turned on you and threw rocks at your head.”
DM: “Why you do that?” “WE DIDN’T DO IT OH MY GOD!”
Maldrake: “The other elves, the ones that are on the ground dead. From the green acid. Watch your feet, there’s acid everywhere.”
DM: “Oh, that suck. What happen?”
Krixxix: “The dragon turned on you! Killing your own comrades!”
DM: “That would explain why me covered in acid burn.”
Krixxix: There you go! PERSUADE the ettin! Natural 20!”
DM: “Me believe you utterly!” The other hand comes up. (mimes slapping) “No you don’t.” “Oh. Sorry. Me no believe you.”

Raven incorrectly reports his damage to the ettin as 77 fire. At the end of his attack sequence the ettin is still standing! Thalynmar pokes the ettin in the chest and drops it. A grumbling Neronvain moves to fire his spell arrows at Krixxix. The DM cracks the hell up and grabs the critical fumble deck.

DM: I told you, my rolling has gone downhill something fierce tonight, I am not at my usual level of performance. He takes too long to aim. You have far too much time to plan your defense against him. Your bonuses you have from armor are doubled against him. What does that put your AC at?
Krixxix: 34.
DM: No. No. Just armor.

Krixxix has poorly recorded what his armor AC bonus is, so much arguing ensues. The armor bonus he gains deflects the second spell arrow! Lualyrr is reminded that there is a dragon there, and also that she was supposed to take dragon breath damage. The DM tries to remind her how to play the game, with marginal success. The dragon claws an elf out of the way and goes to bite Krixxix.

Raven: Don’t I have a block?
Maldrake: You’re out of range. You’re over here and Krixxix is there.
Eben: Or you could pull a Hot Rod. “No you don’t green dragon!”

Krixxix survives, and Raven takes 12 slashing damage as the DM keeps rolling poorly. Krixxix also passes the charm spell save!

Krixxix: Disengage!
DM: ‘COWARD!’

Krixxix disengages, hides, and then takes a third action that the DM doesn’t noticed, but fortunately misses his shot. Krixxix gets tail-slapped, but survives, to the dragon’s fury.

Maldrake: First I’m going to use my bonus action for the heal, gonna drop it on Krixxix, maybe he’ll stand up a little longer for the face-tanking.
DM: You’re really tanking this MMO style. Crush, half your health gone. Bloom, back. Crush, gone. Bloom, back.

A Star Trek: First Contact reference ensues as Eben unleashes absolute vitriol at the counterspelling mage. The mage… puts a magic missile into Krixxix, and the DM helps Eben draw out a fireball that hits everyone. He also finally gives up and tells everyone the mage is out of counterspells, to stop them freaking out about the option at every turn. Maldrake smites the dragon, then completely blows his shield shove.

Maldrake: That was a 2…
DM: You slam your fail into him as it flares with light. The dragon lets out a roaring hiss, and then you step up and kind of gently nudge him with the shield. It reels backward as if expecting the blow to have been stronger, then comes to its senses and gives you a kind of look like, “what was that, man?”

Maldrake lands another hit, and then Eben finally lands his fireball for a goodly sum of damage. The entire group argues over how many 1s he rolled on damage. Raven is up!

Raven: Ready for the onslaught of dice?

Raven feebly rolls one die and the group collapses in paralytic laughter. Raven attempts to trip the dragon with his battlemaster awesomeness, then tries to shield-bash it down. Neither wins, so Maldrake and Raven pause the battle to discuss just where on the knee they should strike.

Raven: Natural 20.
DM: Yeah, that hits. Goddamn it, Raven, why can’t I count you to roll 1s like you always do?
Maldrake: Times change!
DM: You guys infected me! I’m sick from your anti-GM plague! I see how it is!

The dragon kicks Krixxix down, while the group ponders encouraging it to desecrate Krixxix’s corpse while the fighters slay it.

DM: Infuriated by the fireball, Neronvain points his finger at you, and speaks a word. The eldritch arrow flies out at you!
Eben: Counterspell!
DM: No!
Eben: Oh – absorb!
DM: Yes! The spell flies out at you. The staff bursts outwards in an immense maw –
Eben: (miming munching)
DM: And withdraws back into itself. Neronvain is visibly unsettled by this!
Maldrake: ‘Feed me more, skinny elf man! Your power is tasty!”

Neronvain fires his second spell at Thalynmar, who it turns out had accidentally been skipped for a while. He gets his turn and starts stabbing, going to town with hits and crits!

DM: The dragon is looking on its very last limbs—
Krixxix: As it runs away.
DM: It speaks under its breath in Draconic, just a faint whisper.
Maldrake: What’s he say?
Lualyrr: What does he say?!
DM: It’s a brief prayer to Tiamat.

The dragon moves to get an angle on them all, then unleashes its breath weapon on everyone BUT Thalynmar, since the AOOs would have slaughtered it had it moved any farther than it did. The breath weapon drops Krixxix yet again, but Raven, Lualyrr, and Thalynmar are up!

DM: The dragon takes one last effort to enthrall Thalynmar, but I will give you advantage on this roll.
Thalynmar: That’s not gonna help. Nope!
DM: “Please, there must be no more violence!”
Eben: Acid still dripping from its jaws!

Death saving throws are rolled, with Krixxix critically failing. Down to his last three hit points, Raven burns both Action Surge and Second Wind. The DM collapses, as the illness he’s been nursing this entire game finally overcomes him. Raven unleashes the Fury of Raven, and promptly rolls a crit.

DM: As the dragon lifts his head back up from enthralling Thalynmar, you step forward, drive your sword into its neck, and then practically slide along the ground beneath it, cutting it open from neck to groin. Its guts don’t spill out only because you’ve cauterized the wound as you’ve cut it, but the dragon collapses behind you, blood oozing out.
Thalynmar: Yay, we’re dragonslayers finally!
Krixxix: Oh my god, somebody please kill those two elves.

The elven mage flees! Neronvain promptly surrenders. The DM insists on sticking to the initiative order, since lives are literally on the line. Thalynmar gives Maldrake a potion. The DM stubbornly insists on seeing if anyone will save Krixxix; Lualyrr does, and heals Eben for good measure. Krixxix threatens Neronvain because he’s Krixxix.

Maldrake: Wow. Ha. I wasn’t dead. I had 10 hit points.
DM: Maldrake was so convinced he was going to drop over dead he psychosomatically did…

The hour is late, so the DM tells them he’ll mop up the adventure next time – especially since his illness is about to kill him behind the screen.