dragonoflife: (Default)
Dragon of Life ([personal profile] dragonoflife) wrote on May 22nd, 2017 at 08:15 pm


Back to the Rise of Tiamat! Back to the DM’s dismay at his players. A quick refresh: They fought the helmed horrors full of snakes, and took a short rest. Now the players turn their attention to the exits of the room, already showing certain levels of PTSD.

Eben: We definitely don’t want any ball of bone boulder doors…
Thalynmar: There can’t be more than one of those down here… can there?
DM: Remember, that last one came out of a mosaic of the sun. You don’t see one of those down here.
Eben: PRAISE the sun!
Thalynmar: There’s a goddamn bunch of poisons on the floor, I don’t see anything!
DM: The snakes have retreated at this point.
Maldrake: We see three hollow armors?
DM: Yes, you have bashed them to bits, and you claimed the gems that came out of their eyes.
Maldrake: So, uh, I was doing some praying, wondering what I have done wrong. I want the gods to answer me, what have I done to be punished so with this bad RNG?
DM: Roll Religion.
Lualyrr: You hung out with assholes.
DM: Yeah, that was going to be my answer, too much hanging out with Krixxix.
Maldrake: That was a 21. Too much hanging out with Krixxus?
Thalynmar: Krixsis…

Maldrake somehow ends up swearing the Oath of Manifest Destiny and claiming the entire dungeon for his own. They check the door for traps, rolling for Krixxix who wandered off a while ago. Thalynmar checks the door, tosses a snake away, checks the door again, and then they ponder the bulging doors they never checked.

Eben: The module doesn’t understand why players wouldn’t want to open this door!
DM: No, no, it’s a good thing you didn’t open the door. Bad things happen.
Thalynmar: Well yeah! Dungeon botulism!
Eben: Any flavor text regarding a fucking door in D&D means DON’T OPEN IT!

Raven and Thalynmar argue logic vs. magic regarding how doors in an ancient complex could still have traps on them. The DM reminds them they have SEEN living inhabitants!

Thalynmar: Yeah, they’re magical too.
DM: (giving him a look)
Thalynmar: (laughing) Don’t give me that look.
DM: The FUCK is wrong with you FUCKERS?

Naturally it takes them an age to properly check the door. Krixxix hears a hissing behind the door!

Krixxix: It could either be snakes—
Thalynmar: Or yuan-ti.
Eben: People upset at a wrestling match.
DM: Or villains on the stage.

Someone blows on it; the door murders them.

Krixxix: Thank you for making fun of my magic door.
Thalynmar: Get used to it, everyone gets made fun of for something.
Krixxix: I was so proud of that riddle too.
DM: But it was WRONG! It was horrible.
Maldrake: Easy there, vampire monk, easy there. EASY THERE.
DM: There ain’t nothing wrong with a vampire monk.
Eben: An honest mistake.
Lualyrr: Oh sure!
Maldrake: I have my Golbez, you had your vampire monk, we all had our problems.
DM: There was nothing wrong with the vampire monk. Aside from being slightly illegal.

Krixxix peers through the door, sees what seems to be a large slithering creature, and the group erupts into a massive and strangely IC argument about whether or not it was a yuan-ti. They plan to kick the door open and murder everything, but are foiled by the door opening the wrong way.

Krixxix: How about we all hide out here, and then I’ll just pull the door open really quickly, and using my Stealth I will hide from them, and they’ll come running out, thinking there’s a ghost.
DM: Hide from them where?!
Krixxix: Behind the door.
DM: That seems unlikely.
Maldrake: If you had spider cling you could hide above the door.
Krixxix: I don’t have spider cling.
Thalynmar: He needs Gloves of Spider Climb.
Maldrake: Aren’t those boots?

Krixxix becomes Bangleman. I DON’T KNOW. Bad puns ensue. Maldrake, furiously, grabs a book off the nearby shelves and opens it with the intention of slamming it shut and stomping off.

Maldrake: …oh, that’s pretty interesting. I didn’t see the Marvel part, I thought it was going to be a novel, but there were pictures!
DM: ‘Oh, this is on my level after all.’

The DM passes Maldrake random manga. They scorn One Piece. Krixxix complains.

Krixxix: The DM just hates me. Because he hates every character I make. My next character is going to be a mute, and the DM will still find a reason to hate him.
DM: ‘Cuz you’ll still have him be an asshole!
Eben: He’ll be an evil mute.
DM: Name me one character you’ve ever made that has a redeeming quality.
Krixxix: (long, long silence)
Thalynmar: That’s a hard one, isn’t it?
Eben: Cissy… I’m wondering if there’s anything about Cissy that’s not…
Krixxix: Dude, she’s just chaotic.
Lualyrr: See, I thought Marros was all right…
Krixxix: I loved Marros, but—
Thalynmar: Marros was an ass. Let’s see here. Let me put it this way. Party. Youth pushes Marros. Marros says, ‘I pull out my sword and stab him.’
Krixxix: Oh god, I did!
Eben: That DID happen.
Thalynmar: Till we’re like, no no no, don’t do that.
Eben: That’s a good point.
Thalynmar: So you wanna try that again? Would you like to go down the list?
Eben: If Cissy was in this room right now, would you want to pummel her to death?
Krixxix: Yeah probably, because she’d just kick open the door and start blasting away at everything!
Thalynmar: I don’t think Cissy’s an asshole, she’s just a psychotic killer.
DM: Cissy WOULD be an asshole if we didn’t keep giving her things that she could blow up without penalty.
Eben: Lars wasn’t that bad.
rixxix: Lars was, every time he was in front of royalty, he was like, ‘I’m gonna have sex with you.’
Eben: A completely un-self-aware womanizer, yes.
DM: Okay, Lars – his entire thing was he wanted to do unspeakable acts of evil to MY thralls, constantly. A man whose character, at the time because he rebuilt him so many times, revolved around freeing the masses to tyranny! And his goal was to abuse, eat, sacrifice, kneecap, and generally slaughter my thralls!

They finally return to the plan of opening the door and hiding. Maldrake prepares to rage-quit the game on rolling a natural 1. Krixxix debates the use of caltrops, leading them to remember the minotaur that was juuust short of movement. Maldrake predicts that the boss is behind there and will immediately decapitate Krixxix.

Krixxix: Is – oil slippery, right?

Silence, broken only by Eben’s tittering.

Krixxix: What I’m asking is, can I slam down an oil flask?
Thalynmar: Is that a serious question?
Maldrake: I want the shirt now. Krixxix is sitting there, looking all serious, his shirt says, “Oil is slippery, right?” And the back of the shirt is all of us just going… (facepalming)

Krixxix sneaks up, opens the door, and hides behind it! A lizardfolk, cleverly represented by a giant dragon figure with a price tag still on it, peers at the door curiously, then closes it.

Krixxix: I thought y’all were gonna make noise or something…
Raven: So lizards just opened the door?
Krixxix: Basically the lizard saw the door open, and then shut it and walked away.
Maldrake: He did the most reasonable thing I’ve seen in D&D in a long time.

Thalynmar makes noise to try to attract attention, but achieves little. Cursing the deaf lizardfolk, Krixxix opens the door with his bow ready. The lizardfolk comes back over to close the door and Krixxix drops him in one shot. The DM reminds them they had lizardfolk allies, once; no one remembers and no one, after being reminded, cares. Intiative is called for, as Krixxix wonders how anyone heard anything and the group demonstrates just how loud it must have been.

Krixxix: Apparently it was my throwing up that caused it.
DM: Also because this is Krixxix, he did a little dance and pissed on the guy’s face.

Lualyrr applauds; Krixxix doesn’t even try to disagree. Lualyrr holds her actions, and a yuan-ti emerges from the room to look for a person to slash. The DM endures abuse on perception of mobs seeing through walls. Krixxix takes 3 points of damage, Disengages, and runs.

DM: The yuan-ti lashes out with his scimitar—
Krixxix: Disengage!
DM: --dah – would you let me fucking flavor text!
Krixxix: No!

Krixxix shoots the yuan-ti once he reaches the end of his move, and Thalynmar is up!

DM: Krixxix is firing at something or someone! It could be an innocent child, knowing Krixxix!
Thalynmar: ‘Oh, his shoulder is mine if it is!’
Maldrake: I feel like our narrator voice has some kind of agenda.
DM: I’m just telling it like it is!
Krixxix: Even I wouldn’t fire on a child… unless they deserved it…

The DM makes a shockingly racist joke that involves Doc Brown as a Southern gentleman. Cheerios is cursed for preventing natural selection. Eben casts Hypnotic Pattern, fascinating two lizardfolk. Maldrake moves up!

Maldrake: This is the deciding factor if Maldrake stays in the game. If I roll a 1 again, that’s two combats in a roll…
DM: All that shitty rolling I did with Balisar, when my actual rolling counted, and I didn’t quit.
Maldrake: I don’t care what you do.

Malsdrake lands his blow and will continue to play Rise of Tiamat with the rest of us. He lops the yuan-ti’s arm off. Raven manages to miss somehow, then manages to land his second blow and Lualyrr finishes it off. A LONG debate over what to do with the lizardfolk ensues.

Thalynmar: Make them kiss.
Maldrake: Can we tie them up?
Thalynmar: Have our way with them…
Krixxix: Out of character, I AM going to go back there and slit their throats. I’m an assassin, there’s no reason to leave them…
Maldrake: I didn’t hear that! I didn’t hear that.
DM: You see Krixxix returning to the room, licking his knife.
Krixxix: ‘Oh I think I dropped something back there, let me go look for it.’
DM: Krixxix, as you go to commit murder in helpless innocents, your shoulder begins throb.

They search the room and find mostly weird yuan-ti totems and sleeping chambers. They find money at the bottom of the shafts that serve as beds!

Maldrake: Is it familiar currency, like from our time, or is it older?

An extremely long pause.

DM: That’s a good question, Maldrake. It’s a reward stash, so it’s not really specified.
Maldrake: Oh.
DM: On a better day I probably would have had an actual in-character answer for that, but I’m tired, it’s Daylight Savings Time – look, ya found money!

A long extended vignette occurs, in which Barack merrily drinks a poison labeled as healing potion, and ultimately becomes the Ehrshegh of Not Being Assassinated. A cat ends up on the battlefield. The DM draws the map as Krixxix opens a door.

DM: There’s a shaft beyond it… 40 feet long.
Krixxix: That’s only 35.
DM: …So it is.\ I’m very tired…
Maldrake: (uproarious laughter)
DM: You guys are mean to me.
Thalynmar: We’re always mean to you.
DM: I didn’t say you weren’t.
Thalynmar: And you are always mean to us.
DM: What have I ever done to you guys that was mean?
Thalynmar: Vampire monk.
DM: You thought it was an excellent challenge and you beat him!
Thalynmar: Doesn’t mean it wasn’t mean.
Eben: At the time we didn’t think it was an excellent challenge, we thought the campaign was over.
DM: No you didn’t!
Thalynmar: That and the time the sword started sawing Barack’s face open.
DM: Oh come on, that was great.

The fleshgrinding masterslaying sword remains one of the greatest prides of the DM. They spot an arch scribed on the wall at the end of the shaft. Someone opens another door, and they find the hallways beyond is undulating weirdly, like they’re staring into a snake. Someone heads down the shaft, only to find A TRAP!

Krixxix: Of course, the one time I’m not checkin for traps.
DM: A fusillade of darts erupts from the walls. Had any of the rest of you been in that corridor you surely would have be punctured as well. Maldrake, you take 4 points of damage and must make a Constitution saving throw!

Maldrake laughs off the poison, while Krixxix continues to argue they should check out the wavy hallway. His investigations discover a secret passage in the arch! It leads to a prison, which is empty and has a door on the far side.

Krixxix: I can’t believe I’m the one suggesting this… why don’t we lock up those two charmed people in one of the cells?
DM: You haven’t already murdered them?
Krixxix: No, I haven’t! Everybody’s still around, they won’t let me kill them in front of them, so I have to wait till they leave. So I’m the one who’s saying… I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud. Let’s go ahead and throw them in one of these cells.
Thalynmar: Let’s let them starve to death instead.

Maldrake continues to eagerly narrate the horrible deaths of the PCs as the cat tail-slaps their miniatures. Krixxix steps into the undulating hallway and somehow gets stuck in the Lost Forest from a Zelda game, wandering into a magical adventure.

Krixxix: Do I have chalk on me… fuck – Oh I DO have caltrops!
DM: ‘And I’ve been keeping them safely in my boots this entire time!’

Krixxix works on marking up the wall to track his progress, then heads in a door! The chamber behind is foul and full of filth, leading everyone to question what’s with the poop chamber. He heads down the hallway further, peers into a far chamber, and spots what is clearly a final boss room: massive serpent statues, a huge yuan-ti at the far end next to an altar – and on that altar, a dwarf!

Eben: It’s Thalynmar!
Thalynmar: ‘How did I get here?!’
Eben: Okay, Krixxix is dreaming.
Krixxix: I’m gonna make my way back to the room where everybody else is.
Eben: Leave him to his fate!
Krixxix: “Guys? You might want to see this. It’s horrible. Thalynmar, there’s a naked dwarven woman back there! Go get her!”
Thalynmar: Well I do have a Wisdom of 9… “Really?”
DM: Would you like to roll an Insight?
Thalynmar: (sadly) I’m gonna roll low.
DM: His Deception can’t be THAT high! Also you have advantage because it’s completely implausible.
Krixxix: Aww, I rolled a 2! It’s still a 20 though.
Thalynmar: Advantage… still only a 14.
DM: Unlikely as it seems, his claim seems to hold water.
Thalynmar: “We better go rescue her then.”
Krixxix: “I suggest we get everybody else first…”

Krixxix abandons the rest of the team to die. The group moves to the room, demanding the description again. The DM describes the room as huge; Thalynmar quibbles because he can. Yuan-ti stand between the statues inside, and all of them stare at the characters. The purple-robed dwarf they seek lies on the altar!
lies on the altar!

Thalynmar: I can’t remember his name, so he’ll be Leosin.
DM: Varram.
Thalynmar: Varram.
DM: Leosin. What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t you take notes?
Thalynmar: Yes. I don’t know what happened to them.

The yuan-ti at the end raises a dagger, then addresses them.

DM: “Sso! You have penetrated thiss far. Is your intent merely to ssslaughter, or do you sseek ssomething?”
Thalynmar: “We seek the dwarf in your capture.”
DM: “Ah. Well then.”At this the yuan-ti lowers the dagger to the dwarf’s neck.
Thalynmar: D’oh…
DM: Thalynmar gets inspiration for his really low Wisdom. “Alive is a tricky thing for him. However, we will releasse the sspells that have bound him if you leave and touch nothing else. No more harm. Sswear upon that to whatever gods you serve, and know that if you break your world his ssoul will never return to his body.”

Krixxix prepares to shoot the yuan-ti, while Maldrake wonders (and rolls to see) just what their deal is. A brief divergence of yuan-ti history and motivations ensues, along with a brief divergence of how Krixxix almost certainly cannot assassinate the yuan-ti before she kills Varram.

Maldrake: I’m going to word my promise, anyways, that it doesn’t lock me into not destroying them if they leave this temple.
Krixxix: Why can’t I just shoot the damn thing?
Thalynmar: Unless you want to be missing a shoulder.

The yuan-ti match Maldrake’s certainty with bluster, vowing that the paladin will be no threat when they are ready to leave, but for now they both gain from the trade. She also states that they will only return the dwarf’s soul to his body once they are far enough away to be no longer a threat.

Thalynmar: “And what of his compatriots that came with him?”
Maldrake: ‘We turned them into snake people and they were watching the door, did you not pass them?’

The party discusses their options. One particular question is whether or not they can trust the snake people to keep their deal.

Thalynmar: If we go back to town and his soul is not back, we can come back and kill them.
Krixxix: I like the way you think!
Eben: What, killing with cause?!
DM: DOPPELGANGER!
Thalynmar: I think we take the offer.
Maldrake: Yeah.
Krixxix: Not actually happening: as an arrow flies over Thalynmar’s shoulder. ‘Oh my bad, I thought we were gonna fight.’
DM: Thalynmar’s beard reaches up, slaps it out of the air.

It turns out Thalynmar’s beard has been a symbiote this entire time. Krixxix claims they achieved nothing; they explain to him that they are getting the dwarf they came for this entire time out of the deal. The yuan-ti hefts the dwarf and brings him over to them, with a great deal of flavor text on her size and menace.

Krixxix: “Is there a quicker way to get out of here than the way we took to get in?”
DM: “I don’t know which way you came in.”
Maldrake: The screen goes black to a long conversation of us explaining how we walked through.
Thalynmar: ‘You did what?! YOU DID WHAT?! Screw that!’
Maldrake: ‘There’s a back door to the prison?’

The yuan-ti offers use of their own passage, if they agree to be blindfolded and disoriented. Krixxix immediately rolls Persuasion.

Krixxix: “You don’t REALLY need to blind me. I’m a little halfing! How much harm could I do to you, great yuan-ti?”
Maldrake: READ TO HIM HIS CRIMES!
Eben: ‘The soul of the halfling will also be returned to you once you’ve been escorted away…’
DM: “If you are not dangerousssss… how are you sstanding in our temple as we sspeak?”

Shocking, Krixxix does not successfully pursue this line of argument. Somehow it ends in Krixxix getting his tongue ripped out. The DM completely recaps what their journey back through the entire complex would be like.

Krixxix: Oh yeah, we get to pass those devils playing poker!
Thalynmar: Oh yeah. (a pause) We’ll take the blindfold.
Krixxix: This is one weird-ass temple.
Thalynmar: The devils were with the dwarf, so the dwarf, I’m thinking is not on the up-and-up here. And he killed somebody else apparently. So he might have to pay for his crimes as well…
DM: “Ssacrifice powers the pool. Did you not know that?”
Thalynmar: “What pool?”
DM: The yuan-ti dissolves into great hissing laughter.
Eben: The dead pool.
Krixxix: Wasn’t that the pool we couldn’t fill…?

Krixxix questions what assurances they have that the yuan-ti won’t strike at them while blindfolded; the yuan-ti points out that if they did, they’d just take the blindfolds off and fight. The players agree to the blindfolds, and they are jostled off and find themselves mounting stairs.

Maldrake: We’re led back exactly the way we came. ‘Ha ha ha! We trick you! We just walk you back! Ha ha ha ha!’
Thalynmar: They push us down the stairs. Then back up. Then down again. ‘You confused yet?’ ‘No, just hurt.’

They travel for a distance, reaching the outside of the complex through curious means, before their escort permits them to remove their blindfold. Their guide stomps off, heading back around a column. Lualyrr checks on their prisoner.

DM: Varram, the Wyrmspeaker, has been brutally beaten. He looks downright comatose.
Maldrake: I like the idea of us sitting there, pick him up, be like, “All right, let’s check him out.”
Thalynmar: ‘Oh fuck, he’s dead!’
Maldrake: I’m like, ‘Heal check… all right, guys, he’s been dead for seven days now. He was never alive. It was all a trick.’
Thalynmar: And yet somehow we can still hear, ‘ssssuckersss!’

Maldrake delightfully anticipates sending an army of paladins after the yuan-ti, then checks to see what he can do to make sure their prisoner survives.

Eben: He has no soul…
Maldrake: Heal check to figure out what ails him, and then use what healings I have.
Thalynmar: ‘Return Soul… I have that?’
DM: Doesn’t everybody?
Maldrake: 19 for the Heal check to see if there’s any poisons, diseases…
DM: Nope, he’s just had the shit beaten out of him.

Maldrake heals him, and the Wyrmspeaker sits bolt upright. Thalynmar helpfully supplies a drama-ruining sound effect.

DM: “Ach!”
Eben: (cracking up)
DM: “Ya filthy snake-biters, I’ll see -- ! …who the hell are ye?”
Maldrake: I thought for sure he was gonna stab me. I knew I shouldn’t have been the one standing in front of you!
DM: I didn’t think you’d unbound him at this point.
Maldrake: Oh no, you’re right. I just healed him.

eards are revealed to be symbiotes which attach to dwarves at young ages. Then actual RP occurs, somehow.

Thalynmar: “Glad we could find ye, kinsman.”
DM: (a very long pause) “Still. Who are ye?”
Thalynmar: “Thalynmar Forgeborn. Sent by the Council to look for ye.”
DM: “The Council?”
Thalynmar: “Of Waterdeep, aye.”
DM: “I’m a prisoner, aren’t I.’
Thalynmar: “Everything’s pointing to that direction I.”
DM: (heaving a sigh) “Better than death.”
Krixxix: “You did kill a man.”
DM: “Aye, you would have too in that situation. How else are ya gonna divine with the diving pool that takes the death of a man to power it?”
Thalynmar: “He does have a point, although it be wrong.”
DM: “Ya cannot understand what it be like to lose one of the masks of the dragon.”
Krixxix: “I think I caaaaaan! I think I can.”
DM: “Yer not a Wyrmspeaker!”
Thalynmar: “Nay, but he did possess the black one for a few moments.”
DM: “Ach… that’s… disgusting.”
Eben: I like this guy.

ack towards Boreskyr they head. They spend the night there, then on the morn receive a magic messenger from Leosin – who apparently sent them a Howler.

Eben: ‘Did Krixxix kill anyone this time?!’
Thalynmar: ‘I APOLOGIZE FOR SENDING THIS! IT WAS CHEAPER THAN A NORMAL LETTER!’
DM: He sent you a really angry raven.
Maldrake: ‘This one’s a little bad, though, it may have told the message to many others.’ We look ahead and there’s all these people, like, ‘why did it yell at me…’

The group begins levelling up as they teleport back to Waterdeep. Maldrake takes the time to inform the paladins who watch over Boreskyr of the yuan-ti, for which he is thanked.

DM: Arriving back in Waterdeep, Leosin is awaiting you there, along with a contingent of guards.
Eben: Oh…
Maldrake: WE’RE GOING TO JAIL!
Eben: No, he’s on our side. Brunt is here to take the prisoners.
DM: You materialize and see the familiar monk standing there, with several armed and armored members of Waterdeep’s elite standing behind him.
Lualyrr: Hello, dad? I’m in jail!
Raven: Wouldn’t be the first time I’d been in jail.
Maldrake: (making turning-over motions)
DM: You hand over the dwarf, correctly surmising that they’ve come to take him to prison. Good for you. Thank you, Maldrake. So rarely I say that. They hustle him off, leaving Leosin. “I must ask you to come with me. The Council—“
Maldrake: “Wants to yell at you some more.”
DM: “Only some of them. I am afraid there has been much disruption. I believe I mentioned that the last time you were here. The Council is –“
Thalynmar: Pooping.
DM: “Well, you will see. I am certain your reports will go over very well.” And you are quickly escorted to the palace and through its mazelike interior, to the familiar outer chamber where numerous lesser nobles and functionaries gather and gossip in the face of the ongoing meeting. These, Leosin gives no mind, and indicates you shouldn’t either, motioning you on forward to the massive doors that take you to the inner council chamber. The guards there open it with great solemnity and you are ushered in to face, once more, the Council of Waterdeep.
Lualyrr: Oh no!
Eben: Boss fight!
DM: It’s NOT a battle, Lualyrr!
Lualyrr: That’s what you think.
Eben: It kind of is, though.
DM: Welp, it’s murder. Roll for initiative.
Maldrake: OH BOY!

The group prepares to denounce Krixxix at the first opportunity. The old familiar faces they know are here, along with one new one! The newest member is Sulesdeg, who is also Bahamut. The DM argues with the players about the ownership of the cloud castle.

DM: Next to Lord Neverember, opposite you on the table—
Eben: Wormtongue.
Maldrake: It’s Asshole McAsshole.
DM: Is a woman.
Eben: Do we know this woman?
DM: Possibly by reputation. Do you have any History?
Krixxix: Uh-oh. Is that the woman we turned into a toad and threw out the castle in the skies?
Thalynmar: NO.
DM: It’s not Rezmir. You god-damned idiot.
Thalynmar: She’s a half-dragon.
DM: And ALSO evil and ALSO on the other side.
Maldrake: 18 on History.
DM: You in fact might know this person. It’s Lady Laeral Silverhand, one of the Seven Sisters, Chosen of Mystra. What’s SHE doing here?
Thalynmar: Yeah. Why isn’t Elminster?
DM: …No one likes Elminster.
Thalynmar: Gandalf ripoff!
DM: As you enter they all rise.
Eben: Oh god.
DM: Some of them more reluctantly than others, it must be admitted, but all of them rise.
Maldrake: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Laeral Silverhand welcomes them, though Lord Neverember seems unhappy in a stoic way. The group immediately assumes he wanted them to die, though a little Insight points out that he isn’t running the meeting.

Maldrake: He’s salty.
Thalynmar: He’s got a hurt pride.

Laeral introduces herself as the NEW Open Lord of Waterdeep.Neverember has been usurped, and the group wonders openly what the heck is up with this. The Council asks for their report on Auranthantor and the Draakhorn; Maldrake cheerfully relates the story of Varram till he’s corrected and brought back on track. THEN they tell that story, and the Council is all caught up.

DM: Delaan Winterhound scoffs. “You should have just killed him.” This sentiment is met with a chorus of declaiming cries from the other members, who all seem to think his position is quite ridiculous, but nevertheless he scowls at you and pays them no heed.
Maldrake: “Is there a problem?”
DM: “I said you should have killed him.” “Ah, they shouldn’t have killed him, he needed to be brought to justice! He needed to be made an example of in court!” “There was no need for that. He had already proven himself to be a murderer. He needed to be killed, plain and simple. All you’ve done is complicate things.”
Krixxix: “On it!”
Thalynmar: Damn it! ‘May I be excused? I need to hunt Krixxix down.’ You’re easy to find because you’re like, ‘Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee! I get to kill!’

The Council in turns relate of numerous dragon attacks; every one has some story of their lands or people being plagued. Thalynmar wonders where the metallic dragons are; the DM patiently explains that the evil dragons kidnapped their eggs and turned them into draconians.

Thalynmar: This isn’t Dragonlance.
DM: (miming ripping a sticker off the module book) Surprise! Thalynmar poses that question to the Council, but rather than provoking anger or irritation, the gathered members look to Laeral Silverhand who simply inclines her head slightly. “We have an answer to that now.”

Laeral summons a page, who leaves and never returns apparently. A really stupid dragon babbles that they don’t deal in mortal affairs, then derps off.

Krixxix: That’s a gem dragon.
Maldrake: Huh? Platinum was metal.
Krixxix: Yeah, but wouldn’t a gem dragon do that?
DM: Coming back—
Maldrake: We wouldn’t go to a gem dragon, that would be a waste of time.
DM: The page comes back escorting a woman.
Maldrake: Oh that’s a dragon.
Thalynmar: Dra-gon! Dra-gon!
DM: Steps up to the table at Laeral’s side and dips you all a brief curtsey.
Maldrake: Please be a copper dragon. Come on, copper dragon.
DM: “My name is Alia. And I have come to extend an invitation. The metallic dragons are having a Council in a few weeks’ time.”
Krixxix: ‘We want Krixxix to represent you.’
Eben: METALMOOT.
Thalynmar: ‘I’m sorry, he’s dead.’
Maldrake: Before she could even get the name out there, she cou;d have said, ‘Krixxix is not allowed’, we would have already slew him. My sword, Thalynmar’s sword, Raven’s sword, he would just be a puppet.
Eben: Krixxix on a stick. Stickxix.
DM: “By ancient custom, mortal races are allowed to have a voice on the council. We approached this human council to extend an invitation to what ambassadors they would send.”
Eben: “And nobody else wants to go.”
DM: “That isn’t quite true,” Lord Neverember says. “Everybody wants to go. Of course, everybody wants to go for their own reasons.”
Krixxix: “I got this! I got this, don’t worry.”
Maldrake: Four wizards from the council shoot lightning bolts at you.
DM: “We need a group that is not allied to any of these particularly factions.”
Thalynmar: Unbeknownst to them…
DM: “Yes, yes, we know you are a member of the Order.”
Maldrake: “We aren’t exactly spreading their territory around or anything.”
DM: “If you were a stalwart member of the Order, you would have kept the Arcane Brotherhood away, which you did not do. At the moment your goal seems to be that Tiamat is not arisen.”
Thalynmar: Who’s saying this?!
DM: Lord Neverember.
Thalynmar: Okay. If it was Ontharr Frumme, I’d be like, ‘Ontharr Frumme we’re gonna have WORDS afterwards.’
DM: Ontharr Frumme BRISTLES!
Maldrake: The moment they say we should go, I’m just waiting for the moment for, ‘THEY can’t be the ones to go.’
DM: “We’ve already taken a vote.”
Maldrake: “Oh. Disappointed I got to miss it.”
DM: “It – no.” Even some of the other delegates here have the ability to give a little laugh at that.

Maldrake immediately attempts to go to the meeting with dragons. When reminded that it’s in a few weeks, he immediately proposes they go kill dragons to level. Somewhere during all this, Daelan Winterhound rises and slaps the table, leading the players to spew stock lines.

Lualyrr: He bristles!
Eben: Oh yeah, he bristled the first time we came here, didn’t he?
DM: “As little good as you all have accomplished for us so far, there is a matter I seek to put into your hands to see if perhaps you can be trusted with something that certain others cannot.” He shoots a withering glare at King Melendrach. King Melendrach himself rises but Laeral holds out a hand, indicating that he should let the ranger speaks, and he subsides.
Thalynmar: ‘Is this the best the world of humans has to offer?’
Eben: What has Winterhound done for anyone? Oh, sorry, that probably sounded in character. Has the guy ever done anything besides be austere?
DM: He runs the Emerald Enclave…
Eben: Oh! What a man of action!
DM: “I have had a petition from Prince Alegathis to search the Misty Forest, which has recently had its attacks cease. Suspicious, don’t you think?”
Thalynmar: “If everybody else is being attacked, aye.”
DM: “That’s because we are patrolling competently. We’ve rallied our defenses and they have met the challenge! There is nothing more to this that the fact that we are actually managing to maintain control over our territory. It’s not my fault others of you can’t do the same. If you find that suspicious maybe you ought to look in a mirror first.”
Lualyrr: “I think he protests too much.”
Thalynmar: “Against dragons, I don’t think you’re taking this seriously.”
DM: “We’ve stopped the cult attacks. Isn’t that what you’ve been doing? If you showed up to stop the cult attacks, would we ask to question you?”
Maldrake: “In fact, sir, when we first did all this stuff you all DID question us on several occasions on everything we did up until this point, so please!”
DM: “I have not, I’ve been in favor of everything you’ve done.”
Maldrake: “You have, but these others.”
DM: “Yes, you understand how pathetic and petty this politicking is, accusing me of somehow being blind to cult attacks that are occurring or whatnot.”
Eben: They probably accused him of complicity.

The Emerald Enclave is working with Melendrach’s son, and Winterhound wants them to go to a recently-raided town in search of the Green Wyrmspeaker, over Melendrach’s objections. Laeral Silverhand casts the deciding vote to send them. Maldrake furiously feeds porridge to everyone.

DM: A few arguments occur amongst the council, none of which any of you are interested in.
Thalynmar: Yeah.
DM: And after a brief while, it is put to a vote. The Council overwhelmingly supports, with the exception of King Melendrach, going to this dragon-ravaged village.
Krixxix: That’s good, because we’re probably gonna do it anyways.

Tasteless jokes ensue. Maldake once again complains about dragons that run away.

Maldrake: He leaves, we see a dragon tear fall, a single tear goes down. ‘I’m gonna get you…’ (sniffling and whimpering)

They imagine a hilarious scenario where they fight a white dragon and a black dragon at the same time and playing them off each other. In racist fashion. Maldrake proposes litigation against the Council for not paying them, or at least giving them a travel stipend. They head out of the chambers, rolling Insight as they do to get a general feeling of where they stand. The Harpers are close to full support; Ontharr Frumme is in favor, but the Order takes a harder sell. The Emerald Enclave doesn’t much care for them – Krixxix’s suggestion to assassinate them all is not given serious consideration. Laeral Silverhand likes them, Lord Neverember and Connerad Brawlanvil have warmed up after their recent accomplishments, King Melendradch likes them, Uldar Ravenguard is almost entirely on their side, Taeryn Hornblade is okay with them, and Sir Istvaal is their absolute biggest cheerleader. Lualyrr contemplates a direct chat with Winterhound.

Lualyrr: I’m not trying to talk to them or coerce them into liking me. I’m going to be like, ‘Okay, clearly you have a problem with me and my companions. What can I do to make your problem with me less?’
Krixxix: ‘It’d be very unfortunate if a little halfling snuck into your room in the middle of the night.’
Maldrake: Aren’t you a drow? Isn’t the whole Council kinda devious about the whole thing? I feel like you’ll be the hardest one—
DM: Look, you guys are sketch as hell, I’ve said this on many occasions. But you’re the best they’ve got.
Lualyrr: Here I am, coming in good faith, asking how can I make you happy…
DM: The general answer is “Stop shitting on nature.” I mean, that’s what you get.

Maldrake continues to angrily argue that the Emerald Enclave is way out of line with this position. Thalynmar decides to go hunt down Ontharr Frume, even as the group continues to argue whether or not they should care. Krixxix helpfully argues that he should pee in their food.

Maldrake: If a faction pissed me off enough in a game, I’d be then, oh that’s it! I’m going deep in the red! I have no reason not to! Start burning forests down, find chicken eggs to break and stomp on it. Eat a whole chick, just pop it in my mouth, constantly while the council’s eating…
DM: Would it help you if we quicksaved, ran a combat against this guy, and then quickloaded?
Maldrake: The Council’s talking… cheep cheep cheep -- (miming devouring a chick)
Thalynmar: ‘That was SO evil…”
DM: You have an alignment.
Maldrake: I’m Lawful Good. Eating a bunch of chicks is not changing that, it’s not. I read it.
Thalynmar: (skeptical) Where did you read this? You’re a paladin of vengeance, not pettiness, come on.

Most of them go looking for Ontharr Frumme, who greets them with respect. He grouses a bit about the Arcane Brotherhood, who an order of paladins has little use for. The group wonders if they’ve slightly abused their standing.

Maldrake: Using our influence everywhere. ‘It says here you used your gauntlets to improve a… sandwich shop?’
DM: ‘You used the Order of the Gauntlet bonus to get a +5 on carousing?!’ ‘I was gonna go to jail otherwise!’
Maldrake: Using it to hit on woment. The Gauntlet. That sounds amazing.

Ontharr grumbles about the Emerald Enclave, and gives them a couple of political pointers to guide them in the morass that is the Council. They settle up the session with drinking, boozing, and liaising! It gets weird.

DM: Roll 18d10 for your damage.
Maldrake: Are we drinking? What’s going on? What are you doing, Thalynmar?
Thalynmar: I was gonna see my girlfriend.
DM: Yep, he got pegged. To the tune of 18d10 damage.
Maldrake: What the fuck did she peg him with, a mace attached to her crotch?!
DM: Well, let’s just say she heard he was from the Order of the Gauntlet and got enthused. Look, just be glad you weren’t a Harper, you’d be making beautiful music every time you shifted your buttcheeks.
Krixxix: He, can I go see Fayelle, the halfling that I slept with here?
DM: Well, sure. Roll vs. disease.
Krixxix: No no no, I didn’t get disease from her, I got disease from Rollis—
DM: You believed that! I never told you the truth, you just came up with it entirely out of your own mind and decided it was true!

The DM ends the session laughing his ass off at Krixxix’s conviction and complete misremembering of history. As it should be.
( Read comments )
Post a comment in response:
From:
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
User
Account name:
Password:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
Subject:
HTML doesn't work in the subject.

Message:

 
Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.