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Dragon of Life ([personal profile] dragonoflife) wrote on February 16th, 2017 at 10:44 pm

Which game are we playing? I dunno, but everyone is yelling about Gary. The group has entered the tower of Evil Balisar, leaving Evil Elkus behind.

DM: Inside the grand palace you find treasures galore. Armor, cases with swords. A voice wafts over, you seem to hear it –
Valan: ‘Ahh, I’ll buy it at a high price.’
DM: “You found your way into the building. Oh, it seems Elkus has lost his way. I’ll take care of him later. Oh please, make your way up to see me. Now, I don’t have to find you to kill you. So much easier.”
Valan: This isn’t Evil Elkus, this is Evil Balisar, right?
Balisar: ALLEGEDLY, but that style of voice is so unlike me.
Valan: But it’s far in the future, right? You’re a dragonborn…
Elkus: “Okay, Balisar my friend, I hate to ask this but we need to know any weak points you may have.”
Balisar: Uh, Armor Class? Seriously, it’s a fat 12, dude.
Valan: But that’s level 4 Balisar, this is Epic Balisar.
Balisar: Well I am wearing this Robe of the Magi now…
Valan: Unless he’s so old he starts taking stat penalties now.
Balisar: Grappling. I’m just saying. Grab him, shove him around.

Balisar uses Mage Hand to fool with one of the weapons on the wall, hoping his counterpart isn’t quite as illusion-heavy as he is. The hallway in here appears too long, and the DM calls for Perception checks. Or Investigation checks. Only Balisar passes, even as the others are compelled to move forward through the hall.

Elkus: Oh great, Mr. 8 Strength can’t keep anybody back.
Valan: Like Monterey Jack pushing them along.
DM: You see an amazing weapon.
Elkus: How can this weapon be more amazing than Sunblade?
Valan: I see a new fist.
DM: That’s what it is! Ahead of you, you can barely glimpse it out, it glows there. It seems to be a Sunblade Enhanced.
Elkus: (miming tossing his Sunblade aside and going for it)
Balisar: I cast a Minor Illusion of a Wall in front of that Sunblade.

Elkus rolls terribly, again, and bemoans his future; Balisar furiously magics up more illusions, and Elkus keeps rolling 2 to see through them. The full suite of illusions begins to fade, and the objects become less impressive.

DM: Still looks great. Not quite as great.
Elkus: I was gonna say, ‘You’re now glad you didn’t pick up the sword, because it’s a log of poop.’
Balisar: I knew it was gonna be trapped one way or another.
DM: “It seems one of you has seen through it. How disappointing.”
Balisar: All I can think back to is that stupid guy in the pimp hat at the end of the missile base, who kept mocking us.
DM: After a few minutes you’re able to free your allies—
Balisar: (miming illusion casts) “Stop it stop it stop it stop it.”

Shunning the dwemer cogs that litter the room, they head from the central corridor to a shaft that goes both down and up in great length. Another door also presents itself. They try to get Tyr to boot it open; he refuses on principle. They DO talk him into pulling a giant lever, so I have no idea what the standards are here. The room comes to life, lighting the shaft!

DM: “Make your way up.” You see as the chains begin to move, something’s coming up from below. It hasn’t moved in a long time. The sound of heavy breathing—
Balisar: Jam it!
DM: How will you do that?
Valan: Radar… about to be… JAMMED.

The group immediately turns to Shatter, which they apparently now view as the ultimate spell in this edition. They begin to hack and cast at the spell, but Balisar’s magic is sucked away from him. Tyr strikes at the chain, but swords fly in from the hallway to parry his blow! The DM and Balisar have a huge argument over closing the door to the hallway. He ultimately closes the door with Mage Hand, but 5 swords make it in and the DM calls for initiative.

DM: Valan. There are 5 floating swords.
Valan: (miming grabbing two) Now there are three floating swords!
DM: Is that a grapple check you have to do…?
Elkus: He’s gonna punch a sword.
Valan: I’m not going to… Yeah, I successfully grapple it only to have it stab itself into me. Not falling for that old…
Elkus: ‘Hey, this is easy!’
Valan: Well, they can’t hurt anyone else if they impale me!
DM: ‘I got your sword!’
Valan: ‘Return me to the Count of Seacr—‘ ‘Nope!’

Valan attacks a sword! His second attack critically fails, and they group spends a while imagining him impaling himself or sundering his fist. Instead, he sneezes so hard he dazes himself.

Valan: Most embarrassing critical failure ever! The other swords look embarrassed, or amused! They slightly wobble in midair, indicating giggles.
DM: If you could hear giggles, there’d be a lot. Aurianna!
Aurianna: So… we all have chains on us?
Balisar: …What?
DM: …No, the elevators are chains. You all are fine. There are just floating swords around.

Aurianna whips out her mace and goes to town, and then the swords act! They roll terribly, and four of them miss. Balisar, perhaps unsurprisingly, is the only one to take a wound (for 7).

DM: “Don’t kill him too fast, I want to have fun.”
Valan: (noise of incredibly weary disgust) Why you make all of these archenemeses people we want to enjoy stomping the life out of?
DM: I play a lot of… Borderlands?
Valan: A lot of the Borderlands, they’re over-the-top villains, they’re no, ‘Is this the best humanity has to offer?’ I want to break alignment with all of your dudes.

Balisar casts Mirror Image. Tyr whips out his greataxe and Elkus shouts about Sunblade, as is his wont; they both hit. Aurianna hits, while Valan misses one hit and lands another.

Valan: It was a 1, it bounced up and hit your pen, when it rolled back it was still a 1.

One sword falls! Valan suggests Elkus get a dandy fluffer who will call out his virtues in battle, for reasons the transcriber admittedly does not understand, but considering he goes on to crack himself up by shouting ‘die you worm!’ it may in fact be beyond understanding. Another sword gets stuck in the wall. Balisar deploys Poison Spray, but the swords are immune, so he lobs acid at them.

Elkus: “You DARE strike at the bearer of SUNBLADE? I shall punish you for your hubris!” Ha ha, woo, natural 20!
Balisar: You know every time I say this Sunblade thing is his thing, he scoffs at me and says, ‘Well, it’s all in good fun.’ Then he does shit like this.
Valan: Double down. Start talking like Vega.
Elkus: “All in jest, my good friend, all in jest.”
Balisar: Look, I’m pretty sure we’re gonna have a Being John Malcovich thing where you look around, everybody just has a Sunblade for a head. “Sunblade Sunblade Sunblade Sunblade.”
DM: You destroy the blade. It shatters.

Tyr misses! Valan misses! Aurianna hits! The swords miss! Balisar lowballs acid damage! Elkus misses! Tyr actually hits and drops a sword! Valan – Valan has been lowballing his attack rolls, but finally lands a blow and takes out the final sword. The elevator slows as it approaches the floor.

DM: As you look on the elevator, you see pretty much just an empty platform. In the center, a sphere, with hundreds of symbols, letters, numbers, spinning, the spinning stone making a ‘shhhshuuh’ sound. It stops, the platform now level, the lights now shine on the sphere.

Balisar steps up and, for the first time, rolls completely on Arcana. The controls are a deliberate puzzle, and Balisar talks himself up as he botches his Arcana roll.

DM: Roll a d100 now and add 7.
Balisar: 36.
DM: You begin to slide through. You feel like you know it! You feel so smart and great.
Balisar: I’ll go get a new character sheet.
DM: Then you stop. It forms a series of symbols on it, and the elevator begins to move up. You guys jump on it, or you let him go up by himself?
Tyr: Uh…
Balisar: God damn it, DM. Why you gotta put that idea in their heads? Why couldn’t you just ask, ‘What do you do?’ Why the fuck couldn’t you just ask, ‘What do you do?’ God damn it!
DM: Well, they didn’t walk on behind you, so I’m just telling them that.
Balisar: I’m gonna get Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’d here. There’s a giant fan and I can’t burp.

The group reluctantly boards. VERY reluctantly.Valan clings to the side, is renamed Richter, and is thrown off. The elevator stops on a new floor, and Balisar, unable to make the sphere respond, decrees they must investigate it. They enter the Menagerie, which is openly identified to them. Curator jokes are made to no end as they look upon creatures imprisoned within glass.

DM: You’d think the NASA training program would be, “If you see any strange-looking objects, don’t go sticking your face in them. We got scanners for these things.”
Balisar: ‘Do not link the monolith.’ Welp, mah ongue is off oh a graye hourney.’ There’s a tongue in a bubble floating above the planet. Star Tongue.
DM: Elkys is able to see something towards the back of one of the cages, something not there. Familiar odd-looking creatures you remember from far earlier in your journey.
Balisar: Oh god, he’s im—why does every Balisar HATE the avian people?!
DM: No, the strange metal creatures with odd shapes.

Modrons! Not Motrin. They are ascending the tower as well! Balisar bitterly predicts the cages will open and the creatures within will attack. Valan obstinately forgets his IC voice, then talks to the DM in-character, then goes mad. They observe different environments within the cages as they slog through the flavor text. One room is full of bodies, and as Balisar lights it up, they see footprints within!

DM: You remember reading about this. For some reason you stumbled on it and made a note to remember it.
Balisar: The Tasmanian devil.
DM: It could only be one creature. The teeth, the many legs – a displacer beast.
Valan: Oh. Ew.

The displacer beast can displace itself, so that’s tricky. Balisar Mage Hand opens a door at maximum range, and beyond it is a storage area with a key in the center, doubtlessly for the sphere. He scoops it up with Mage Hand.

Balisar: (mimes reeling it in)
Elkus: Huh. Is your Mage Hand attached to a string?
Balisar: “The force of magic – the magic I project—“
Elkus: “It’s on an invisible string.”

A pause.

Balisar: “Elkus.”
Elkus: “Hm?”
Balisar: “I don’t tell you how to play on your frickin’ lute, you don’t tell me how to cast my spells.”
Elkus: “But I can cast magic as well!”
Balisar: “I can play a lute, but it’s still shitty!”
Elkus: “Hey… I’m gonna scan your brain later.”
Balisar: I’m just gonna create a phantasmal force in your head of a hot chick.
Aurianna: What?
DM: The object has landed in your hand. Nothing has moved. The creatures continue to not even notice you.
Balisar: “Take this key.” (handing it to Valan) “Now we go back.”
Valan: (mimes getting rid of the key)
Balisar: (facepalming) Mage Hand. “Take this key and hold onto it.”
Valan: (miming struggling under a massive weight)
Balisar: IT’S NOT THAT BIG! Oh my god!

Back they head at a scramble. Balisar is pushed to the front to smite the bridge before the Balrog. Balisar turns to the sphere and rolls decent on Arcana – then promptly rolls 01 on his d100 roll to guide the elevator, and collapses into sad whimpering. Part of the elevator goes sideways and the rest of the group attempts to abandon Elkus and Balisar to have their own Road to El Dorado adventure. The DM calls for another pair of checks from Balisar to guide the sphere once again.

Balisar: 02?! 02?! WHAT THE FUCKING SH—
Valan: Switch ‘em out!
Balisar! I DID SWITCH THEM OUT! (banging the table in a fit of near hysteria) How did I roll 02 after 01?! OH MY GOD! (sputtering and collapsing into mindless gibbering)
Valan: How come Evil Balisar isn’t giving you shit over this?
Balisar: He’s probably too busy laughing his fucking head off. We’re gonna get up there and he’s gonna be a fucking weasel toon with a ghost coming out of him.

The elevator shaft seals above and below, and the group is now in a large dome. The eggs, complete with sleeping guardian serpents, are in this room, and the walls shimmer and distort. Balisar somehow ends up with the same number as the first one, but they end up in a dark sealed room.

DM: Anyone who has any sort of darkvision or can see in the dark give me a Perception, or you can just light up a torch.
Elkus: Oh wait, I do have darkvision.
Balisar: (sputtering in absolute incoherence as he gestures furiously at Elkus)
Elkus: Sunblade.
Balisar: THANK you!

HERE is the displacer beast, and initiative occurs. The beast rolls terribly and the entire group gets to jump it before it can act. Balisar fires a missile from his wand, hoping the spell will go to the beast’s true location. Aurianna casts Guidance on Tyr, discovers it’s ability checks only, but shrugs and rolls with it. The group pummels the displacer beast, except for Valan, who critically fails and runs into a wall for 1 point of damage. The beast slaps Elkus around.

Balisar: Kill the beast! Elkus can take another hit.
Elkus: Thanks.
Balisar: Am I wrong!?
Elkus: Unless he crits.
Balisar: He won’t crit.
Elkus: He will. God hates me. The gods hate me. Because I’m good with women. They’re jealous.
Valan: Yeah, Zeus has to rape women. While they’re not even aware he’s a god.
Elkus: Elkus just talks to them, and their panties fly off.
Balisar: So long as BALISAR isn’t COCK-BLOCKING!
Elkus: ‘Get outta here—‘
Balisar: ‘But Elkus! You didn’t tell them about the time you missed dramatically, and then the sunblade flew across the room, and you had to crawl across your hand and knees for it!’
Elkus: Well, you do have a Charisma of ten. (squeaky-voiced teen) ‘Is that it, Elkus?’ Oh wait, this isn’t your barbarian.
Balisar: I will kick your ass…
Aurianna: Did you just fart again?
Valan: Khor died.
Balisar: HE DID NOT DIE!
Valan: RIP Khor.
Elkus: Because he couldn’t get his dinosaur, so he killed himself.
Aurianna: I’m healing Elkus!

In the background, Brunt drowns in a moat. The beast comes around after some violence, and crit-fails, weakening its tentacle damage.

DM: Balisar!
Aurianna: Is me!
DM: Too bad your evil self has taken your turn!

Elkus discovers he should have a +2 to initiative this entire time. Balisar proposes a reimagining of the Penguin with a tortilla for a monocle; Elkus helpfully supplies an accented voice. In combat, Balisar remains obstinately useless; the group begs the Duchess gaming table Kickstarter people to deliver soon. Aurianna slays it with Guiding Bolt. Ominously, the tower shakes and they hear an explosion! The DM points out they may now know why Evil Balisar isn’t taunting them. The elevator sphere angrily steals control and propels them onward, up to floor 57. Modron corpses lie about as testament to a great battle. They head forward into the doors.

DM: A great arcane room with treasures, a library of unspeakable knowledge, and sprawled out before you magic circles, emblems and trinkets.
Balisar: (grabbing motions)
Elkus: (looking at him)
Balisar: “What.”
Elkus: “I don’t blame you. I just love your enthusiasm.”
DM: As you grab the first book, it seems unnaturally heavy. You’re having trouble sliding it out. Seems to be some magical protection.
Balisar: (incredibly prolonged disgusted groan)
DM: More sounds from further ahead. “You have followed--!” I’m trying to mimic your voice now. Talk, Balisar. Talk like Balisar.
Balisar: “This is BALISAR’S voice! You have to get that proper note of pompous, arrogance, and superiority!”
DM: ”You have followed me across TOO MANY worlds! I will destroy any of your little metal beasts and save our universe!”
Valan: Huh?
Balisar: A little DM there at the end…
Valan: (laughing) YOU are our SAVIOR? You call this failure of a tower our savior?
DM: If you’re talking to him, you’re not at the room yet.
Valan: I’m practicing.

They enter the last room – and find this world’s counterparts of them lying on tables, grafted with metal.

Aurianna: I smack him.
Balisar: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Scrying portals peer at many various of themselves. Evil Balisar faces down a giant starfish modron! Balisar attempts to take a 10-minute time-out to ritually cast Comprehend Languages; amazingly, the DM does not gran this. Evil Balisar promises to take care of them in a moment, and initiative results! Elkus, up first, is completely baffled as to what to do: NEITHER side is particularly appealing!

Elkus: “You pathetic excuse for a Balisar!”
Balisar: “What?!”
Elkus: “…not you.”
Balisar: “Thank God.”
DM” He’s like, “I knew you would turn on me!”
Elkus: I’m like charging ahead…
Balisar: I’m used to you guys picking on me. Aurianna slapped me…

Elkus chops down a Mirror Image, and Evil Balisar mocks him, then hurls him away! Elkus blows the Strength check and is pinned against a wall by the spell. Aurianna pastes him with Guiding Bolt.

DM: He’s able to hold on to the spell. “I recognize that magic! Don’t worry! I told you all I’d be with you shortly! Why can’t you all wait?”
Valan: Why can’t Elkus have a voice of Johnny Bravo instead?
DM: Balisar! Good Balisar.
Balisar: “Ha! When I came to this world I gained some of your power! Time to use it against you!”


DM: You’re using a staff of power?
Balisar: I have that Ultra Staff of Every Staff Taped Together, so I’m using it.
DM: Oh, that’s right! Give me an Arcana check!
Balisar: Oh god. 17, that’s not bad…
DM: I did not think you’d actually use it. Every time I give you something cool that has a lot of consequences, you don’t use it.
Balisar: Balisar is a little more reckless than most of my characters when it comes to wielding the arcane.
Elkus: It just squirts hot nacho cheese out the end of it.
Balisar: Little does the DM realize my weakness is nacho cheese.

Balisar winds up the staff to the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel, then they envision it just falling apart. Which defeats Evil Balisar, who has to put it back together.

Balisar: We pull up the wild surge table…
DM: No, it’s not quite that bad. As you point the rod out, announcing the magic words, you feel it apply. A 10 foot pole shoots out the end, flying about 20 feet and landing. It seems this rod you captured has the power of the Robe of Useful Items.
Valan: What’s a 10’ rod useful for?!
Balisar: Pokin’ things!
Elkus: In the back you hear me. “Ooh, a rod!”
Balisar: God damn it. (Curly voice) ‘I’m Balisar, woop woop woop woop! Time for me to pull off some magic tricks!’ This is my new character, I’m just going to roll with it.
Elkus: It’d be better if it just made a farting noise when it came out.
Balisar: “What the FUCK is wrong with you that you MADE this fucking piece of shit, you dumbass other self! What the goddamn shit?!”
DM: “Why do you think I’m not using it right now? It was a bad idea! I thought it would be a good idea to just put a bunch of magic items together. That came out. Notice how I’m not using it.”
Balisar: “What’s wrong with the robe, then?! Did it shrink in the wash?!”
Valan: That’s a surprise.
DM: “It’s more fun if you find out.”
Balisar: “Oh I’ll find out all right!” Balisar is enraged by the arrogant incompetence of his other self.

The modrons are confused! The big one utters screeching sounds and more modrons emerge. Then it emits poisonous gas, which threatens everyone!

DM: To make things confusing I’m calling him Elisar.
Elkus: Elkusar, he’s the two of us combined together.
Balisar: One bad fusion dance. Oh no, it’s permanent, it’s a Potara earring thing.

Balisar is absolutely enraged (IC) as Valan charges in with his Flurry of Blows. He begins rolling.

Balisar: As soon as it’s against me or someone who is like me--!
Valan: Don’t blame me, the dice cooperated all of a sudden…
Balisar: What god of D&D did I offend? Did I poop on Gary Gygax’s grave or something!?
Elkus: I don’t know, DID YOU?
Balisar: Not to MY knowledge!
DM: You see him there, the funeral is just over. ‘Ha ha, you son of a bitch!’

Valan shoves down Evil Balisar, who is grinning over this turn of events with a weirdass nostalgia. Tyr wanders in, rolls two dice for advantage to hit, and rolls two 2s. Elkus lobs out the Hold Person; the DM makes Balisar roll the saving throw for his counterpart, and he fails that.

DM: He still continues to laugh. “Good. Good! Now KILL ME for my transgressions.”
Valan: Balisetine.
DM: The mist around the pentadrone seems to vanish, and the screeching seems to turn into a loud thrumming voice. “You cannot kill him. You’ve already taken steps into a wrong direction. We will take you to our place and FIX the problem. We cannot let you problem. It will exagerbate this issue.”
Elkus: Exacerbate.
DM: “Exacerbate. The issue. Thank you.” I speak English no good.
Valan: This is the head Motrin?
Balisar: I stalk forward to evil Balisar. “Oh, my attention isn’t to kill him. But I have to make it clear HE’S A STUPID FUCKING SHITHEAD!” And I slam the staff into his chest.
Elkus: Killing him!

Balisar rolls randomly to see what effect he gets out of the staff, and promptly detonating a fireball in the middle of the group for 24 damage to everyone nearby.

Balisar: Out of character I apologize for Balisar’s lapse of judgment but he was very mad.
Elkus: Very understandable.
Tyr: That’s my third 2 in a row…
DM: The last words… “You’re gonna do… You’ll do a great… job…”

Aurianna Channels Divinity to Preserve Live on Evil Balisar to stop his death, Balisar smirks.

Balisar: “You forget, when you have people backing you up you can do stupid shit and get away with it. They can pick up your slack.”
Elkus: “We’re gonna have a talk, Balisar, when you get home!”
Balisar: I spit on his face and walk away. Not acidy. …I might be able to acid him…
DM: The pentadrone now walks up to you. “As I said, we have to fix ALL of you.”
Balisar: Welp, no kids for us.
Elkus: “Fuck yeah!”

The pentadrone vows to replace them with clones in their own world and erase them, The group, of course, vows defiance, though Balisar weirdly starts questioning where the gas came from earlier.

DM: “I understand what you’re doing. I am also good at distracting with words.”
Balisar: “I’m not trying to distract you.”
Elkus: There’s like 10,000 modrons around us. ‘Aww crap.’
Valan: ‘You will conform to the Mad God!’

The DM calls for Perception checks, as small portals try to suck them in. Balisar jams the omnistaff at the modron, trying to plug a turret; he misses, starts rolling up Cloneisar, but the staff fires off anyway.

DM: Out of the staff comes a giant – is it giant? – a giant constrictor flies out the staff and wraps himself around…
Balisar: Elkus.
DM: No, wraps itself around the target in front of you and immediately begins to crush it.
Balisar: Remember when the DM said this isn’t as bad as the Wand of Wonder? ANYBODY AGREE WITH THAT SENTIMENT? ANYBODY AT ALL!
Elkus: I really want you to keep it, though! I can see this being very fun.

The modrons grab Evil Balisar, who laughs at their expected fate, and then the rest of this world’s adventuring party. The pentadrone vows their time will come, after the more important ones.

DM: He just seems to give up, life draining from his eyes as he gets crushed.
Elkus: Distraction Snake was effective… “Aww, fuck it, you’re just too much effort right now.”

Evil Balisar is dragged off, and the group wonders if they should have killed him. Their dimensional transition is abruptly undone, and they appear awkwardly high in midair.

Elkus: “Hey look! Cumulonimbus! …aww crap.”

They fall to their death. Balisar waves the staff furiously, and it abruptly shoots them out over the water and magically solves the whole surface tension problem. Despite Elkus’s skepticism.

Elkus: It doesn’t work that way, you’re dead and mangled…
Balisar: It’s MAGIC! ‘Oh, I’m Elkus, I can cast spells but I’m gonna disbelieve this shit!’

The staff shatters to save their life, leaving only one staff behind: a staff of striking, which is so awesome a melee item he immediately passes it to Valan. People on the docks toss rope to them, though Balisar insists on teleporting onto the dock proper to accomplish one damn thing the entire game. The townsfolk babble at them!

DM: “What happened out there? We saw you magically appear!”
Balisar and Aurianna: “Magic.”
DM: “All right.”
Elkus: “It is very complicated. Maybe I’ll turn it into a song.”
DM: “Well it’s a good thing you reappeared!”
Elkus: ‘Your plots are on fire.’
Balisar: ‘And full of pigs.’
Elkus: ‘Fried pigs now.’

The NPC reveals the bird-people are here for diplomatic dialogue, although Balisar begs a night of rest and burn recovery. The group REFUSES to party.

Balisar: “I do wish to speak with you all. In a private location.”
Valan: It’s a private party now. We’ll do private carousing.
Balisar: …let’s not.
Valan: How do you go to jail when the only people around are us?!
DM: You find yourself in the jail that is his bed.
Elkus: I’ll spoon with Balisar.
Balisar: “We need to figure out a way to prevent an incursion of these modrons into this dimension. I think one thing we must consult is with the spirits who guard the eggs. Perhaps we can arrange to have negotiations with one of those, either the avian one or the thri-kreen one.”
Elkus: “Shall we re-investigate the temple as well? There may be some answers in there we did not see.”
Balisar: “The modrons cleaned that out quite thoroughly, I do not think there is anything left.”
Tyr: “I, as a certified barbarian, do not know what the hell is going on.”
Valan: What is this certification process for barbarians?
Elkus: “Perhaps the avians know something about these modrons as well.”
Balisar: “It’s probably unnecessary to say this, but I think it needs to be said. If I should start to go down the path that Balisar went down—“
Elkus: “Oh I’ll cut your head off.”
Balisar: “Yes, thank you. That’s – that’s what I was going for. You all must stop me.”
DM: I like the idea. ‘If I do this—‘ Kaschwing! ‘You could have waited till I actually started it…’
Balisar: Well I did angrily bludgeon him with a staff of questionable powers.
Elkus: “About that… Do be careful in the future. I know, I know, the rage gets you and you can’t control it, but try to handle it next time.”
Balisar: “I learned the power of magic so I could do good. So I could be a hero! And everything these other being that bear my name have done is a perversion of that.”
Elkus: “You definitely seem to be the nobler one that we’ve encountered so far, there’s no doubt about that.”
Balisar: “But it makes me wonder what happened. Were they different to start with? I mean obviously in that one case they weren’t even me…”
Elkus: “These are all alternate dimensions, there’s a very large chance, that yes, they are very different.”
Balisar: Yet where are the good ones? Why are we the only ones that have been heard from so far? You’d think that evil counterpart would have encountered some of us that were both competent and able to stand against him, and willing to do so. And yet.”
Elkus: “It does raise a good questions, doesn’t it.”
Balisar: “In any case, it worries me, which tells me if something’s going to happen, it’s best not to take chances. It may be something inherent in me.”
Elkus: “I just want to stop these bastards from ruining our lives. Oh goodness, I need a refresher.”
Valan: Out he goes.
Balisar: “Well if we’re all agreed, I assume the rest of you are—“ since you’ve been silent this ENTIRE ROLEPLAYING CONVERSATION! Here I am, trying to roleplay, and you guys are like, ‘I ain’t sayin’ shit.’
Valan: You talk enough for all of us.
Balisar: (livid) IT’S CALLED ROLEPLAYING! And yet when I played Kurain you guys couldn’t stop giving me shit! ‘Oh he’s not talking! Why doesn’t he talk! Oh god!’
DM: The perfect creature to fight Balisar’s characters with. I shall use it forever. The Intellect Devourer!
Valan: Eh, I have nothing to add.
Balisar: ‘Thanks, Valan. Good to know you have my back.’
Valan: Like the evil me. I was just there.
DM: (actually reading about the Intellect Devourer) JESUS!
Balisar: Please don’t send an Intellect Devourer after me…

They go to drink and drink and drink, as much as possible without carousing anyway. Everyone pushes for Elkus to carouse, because he’s Elkus. Succumbing to peer pressure, he carouses and earns a crapton of money! Balisar gets sucked into this with his illusions and earns money too!

DM: You find yourself in your room, having a good sleep. Relaxing.
Balisar: Oh there’s more description afterwards. Ah ha, I’m dead. Cloneisar.
DM: You roll in the middle of the night to get a better ass…


DM: A better position to sleep on your side. You wake up for a second, you stare straight into the illusory shape of yourself. He’s smiling at you like this. “Hey, what’s up, buddy?”
Balisar: ‘GO AWAY, Q.’
DM: “He thought it would be real for them to clean us. Not us, not us. You and me, we’re good, we’re better than that.”
Balisar: Create an illusory wall between us, roll back over…
DM: You watch as he pulls some illusionary blinds. The wall just lifts up. “Think it’d be that easy, huh? I know the tricks too. I heard your speech earlier. You did a good one, right?”
Balisar: (muttering) “Elkus wakes up to beautiful women, I wake up to weird me.”
DM: “Oh don’t be too sad.”
Balisar: “Sad isn’t the word.”
DM: “They got two of me out of me, but I got out before they got the rest. My friends, ah, they didn’t quite make it.”
Balisar: “God, I regret my love of talking.”
DM: “Ah ha ha, that’s one thing that’s the same with all of us. Ain’t a quiet one out there, not a quiet one out there.”
Balisar: “Elkus, can I stay with you tonight?”
Elkus: (muttering while asleep)
Balisar: “I’ll take that as a yes. I’ll just sleep in the chair, I’m fine.”
DM: …Do you get up and try to get out of the room?
Balisar: I’ve got no patience for this nonsense.
Elkus: Are you shouting that through the wall?
Balisar: Yes!
Elkus: Okay…
DM: You get out of the room. He still continues to watch, a goofy grin plastered on his face. You feel a bit of remorse. You feel that other people have had to deal with you this way. You feel kind of bad.
Balisar: I feel like the DM is trying to give me a meta-message here.
Elkus: Making you self-conscious.
DM: You wake up again in your bed, the dream over. Was it a dream? Was it real?
Balisar: “Elkus, can I snuggle with you tonight?”
Elkus: “Eh, okay.”

The day breaks, with Balisar refusing to credit the dream as anything but annoying, and he discovers his counterpart stole his ass. The DM rules he is ruthlessly snuggling Elkus. Out they head to meet the bird-people, at their caravan, which is a bird nest on wheels. The ambassador is new to them, and greets them with a message for Balisar. A room in the deep mountains awoke, and an ancient thing has awakened! A coiled snake with wings spoke Balisar’s name! Elkus focuses on the most important thing.

Elkus: Are any of the avians female?
Balisar: Keep. It in. Your pants.
Elkus: As long as it comes out later. I’m just gonna start making eyes.
Balisar: They’ve got a cloaca, you know what that is, Elkus?
Elkus: Not a clue.
Balisar: I explain.
Valan: Kirk. If it’s female, we’re going in!
Balisar: Let’s just say it’s one all-purpose hole. Do you really want to put anything in there?
Elkus: As long as it’s wrapping and warm.
Valan: Brings a whole new meaning to food porn!

The group is resolutely dickish to Balisar, leading him to understand why all Balisars go evil. On this quest note, the group settles in to level up and get loot from the ambassador, and the game is at an end!
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