dragonoflife: (Default)
Dragon of Life ([personal profile] dragonoflife) wrote on February 16th, 2017 at 10:44 pm

Krixxix, having slain the children he was babysitting OOCly, has arrived on the scene – so we resume with the Rise of Tiamat. The DM recaps: They had defeated the dragon, rescued Maccath, and obtained loot. They receive the profound gratitude of the shaman Bonecarver, who then hopes they’ll never need to cross paths again.

Thalynmar: No one respects us.
Maldrake: Fucking shit. What the hell is going on. First, who the hell are these – the fuck do those people think they are? We saved the world, they’re like, “Oh you broke some eggs, huuuh huuuuuh, you have to work for us now, eeeeeh. We’re gonna kill you. Please kill the dragon. You killed the dragon. Now never see us again!” Damn people.
Thalynmar: Damn ingrates.
Krixxix: You’re most honored among our people, now get the fuck out.
Maldrake: Why the hell are we adventurers!?

Krixxix develops shoulder-crushing-related PTSD. They hunt down the captain and demand the uneventful way back – but discover their ship has suffered some withering icy damage. The captain beckons to them.

DM: He tells you, in that voice that you all hate when I do… that Old White Death had let one parting blast loose. The ship likely won’t make it to Waterdeep.

The captain warns then they’ll likely have to travel overland back to Waterdeep, depending on how far they can get on the boat. The ship indeed takes on water as they travel. Krixxix climbs the mast to get out of bailing duty and meets Sulesdag up there with his face half-frozen off.

DM: You spend one night docked on an iceberg, the better to keep the ship out of the water.
Eben: Better than STRIKING the iceberg.
DM: Fortunately nothing comes of it. As you put into the water the next day, despite the repair work that has been done, the leakage seems to be worse.
Eben: I got a sinking feeling about this.
DM: Frowning, the captain alters the course.
Thalynmar: Pray he does not alter it any further.

The group pauses to applaud Thalynmar. Maldrake and Krixxix pause the game to watch a LOT of gay porn. The ship limps into a damaged port.

Maldrake: The dragon hit this place too? That son of a bitch!
DM: SOME dragon likely did, but it clearly wasn’t Aurathantor. The damage done to this place looks more to have been wrought with lightning. Despite your hopes of finding a ship back to Waterdeep here, the only one that you can see is half in the water, its stern sticking up and its mast cracked limply by its side.

Maccath lapses back into Squall-like gloominess as a man in plate armor stalks down at them, glaring beneath his visor. Lualyrr steps up to roll a Persuasion check to get the guy off their back and they head in to purchase a wagon.

Krixxix: Can I use Persuasion to try to haggle down the price?
Eben: Why not? I say go for it.
Maldrake: I’m gonna use some sleight of hand here—
Krixxix: Nope. I failed.
Maldrake: “Just let him talk. Here’s the money. Just let him talk.”
Thalynmar: Just smile and nod.
Maldrake: “Here’s an extra 5 to pretend any of this matters.” You enter an excellent haggling deal and haggle him down to 20 gold.

Electing not to pull their wagon their damn selves, they purchase a pair of draft horses and head to the inn to carouse. Most of them break even…

DM: Well, the good news is, you found a companion for the night.
Krixxix: The bad news is, I have syphilis! Well, the good news is I got laid, or at least I woke up thinking I did.
DM: Oh no, you did. Hardcore.
Krixxix: The bad news is, it was a guy.
Eben: It was the wrong persons daughter.
Krixxix: It was the captain of the guard who showed up at the dock…
Maldrake: It was that mage we rescued.
DM: A young gnome girl – not like, you know, underaged, I know what you’re thinking.
Krixxix: I thought there was some bad news!
DM: The bad news comes the next morning, when you have to explain, “Yeah baby, I’m outta here.”
Thalynmar: ‘All those things I said? Yeah, pillow talk.’
Krixxix: ‘I’m going outside to get a pack of smokes, you want anything?’

The group heads out, leaving a crying-angry gnome womn (Railys is her name) on the steps of the inn!

Maldrake: ‘His name is Trixsis. You can find him in Waterdeep!’
Thalynmar: ‘His address is…’ (trailing off)
Maldrake: ‘That’s where we’re gonna be. If you see any one of us we will easily point him out to you at any moment. We will easily take you to – hop on in. I’m not slowing down though.’

They head on south, with Maldrake singing a song about murdering bandits the entire time. Krixxix bemoans her luck with women, calling back to his experience on the caravan.

DM: Despite your songs—
All: Bandits attack.
DM: The signs here are not promising—
Eben: Bandit signs!
DM: Looks like there’s been chaos.
Thalynmar: Bandit droppings. I’d recognize these anywhere!
DM: The first place you were going to stay has been burned to the ground. A pleasant inn on the bank of a river, now a smoking husk.

Maldrake and Maccath find themselves posing an interesting question: where the heck are the metallic dragons? The DM makes a horrible joke which is redacted.

DM: You find yourselves taking your rest in the wagon itself. It’s an unpleasant and uncomfortable night exposed to the element, especially when a -- wain whips up. A rain whips up.
Maldrake: Goddamn wains!
Eben: 30 gold couldn’t get us a covered wagon?!
Thalynmar: How much was a covered wagon? Let’s go back and get one!
DM One more gold than you are able to spend.
Thalynmar: I FIND THAT HIGHLY UNLIKELY.
Krixxix: We have a lot of –ing gold.
Maldrake: I feel we could have gotten a wand wagon!

Traveling on the next day brings them to an UNburned inn in a tiny town surrounding a large inn. The inn itself stands empty, despite being caravan-sized, and the innkeeper greets them ale and effusive welcome. Thalynmar spends several minutes draining a keg. Their presence slowly livens up the inn, as staff and residents drift in. The DM drops a die.

Maldrake: It’s in my foot.
DM: I see that. What a drop… I’m not comfortable with that.
Maldrake: Come on…
Thalynmar: Play footsie with each other for a little bit.

A dozen people show up and Maldrake attempts to tell the tale of their journey, only to realize his Performance sucks. The DM reminds them that they have a bard, and Lualyrr cracks out her own dice to sing out the story.

Maldrake: ‘Brave Sir Krixxix ran away, bravely ran away away…’
DM: (singing) And Krixxix missed again! And then he shot and missed again, and then he missed again!
Thalynmar: This is why you don’t piss off your bard.
Maldrake: ‘Oh wow, this Krixxix person is horrible!’ He sure is…
Krixxix: ‘What’s your name, halfling?’ ‘Bob.’

They win over the crowd, and the locals are treating them likely family and buying them drinks. Gambling erupts. Krixxix cheats, and the DM spends a while trying to figure out various rolls.

DM: A few rounds of cards go back and forth, all of them exchanged quickly. The bulk of the money slowly makes its way to Krixxix’s side of the table, till it comes around again when suddenly! One of the girls who is playing slaps her hand down over yours, striking both it and the deck down. “You’re dealing from the bottom of the deck!”
Krixxix: “Whaaaat? No!”
DM: She quickly strips the cards away from you and lays then out, and it soon becomes obvious to everybody that the deal was rigged.
Eben: They can’t STAND it! They know you planned it!
Krixxix: “I don’t understand, I’m using your deck!”
DM: “You CHEAT!” At this harsh accusation—
Thalynmar: (dramatic shocked gasp)
DM: Yes!
Krixxix: Roll my Deception. ‘No, I’m not cheating at all, this is just good luck!’
Maldrake: Oh! And the people at the other bar said, ‘Why won’t you gamble with us and this Krixxix character, he’s so great!’ Yeah, they were shocked. No one believes ol’ Maldrake.
Thalynmar: “Don’t worry, I’ve got this covered.” (miming squeezing)

Krixxix protests his innocence, and the NPCs turn to look at the PCs for some sign! Maldrake can’t rat out Krixxix fast enough, and a portly man rises and stares down at Krixxix as the bartender begins sharpening a cleaver. Krixxix tries to talk his way out of this and is immediately compared to Lex Luthor. Lualyrr diplomatically intervenes and finds herself put into the game in his place, and her charm wins back the crowd just a little. Krixxix tries to deflect suspicion once again by buying a round of drinks and talking too much. Literally everybody, including PCs, begin sharpening knives.

Maldrake: I’m over here, “it’s not really working with my flail, guys!” I kill five people. God damn it, this never works.
DM: Blackguard.
Maldrake: Coooooool. HERE WE GO! I’ll play Thalynmar’s Fable game, just kill peasants till I’m max level.
Krixxix: I’m dropping four gold on the counter. “I hope this will be enough to buy drinks for everybody here.”
DM: Your gesture seems to smooth over their attitude a bit making it easier to go around knifing them.
Krixxix: Sleight of Hand to pick pockets!
DM: (knife-sharpening noises yet again) He sets his knife down, it cuts through the bar, down into the floor.
Thalynmar: ‘I may have sharpened it too much, guys.’
DM: We’ve got another China incident on our hands.
Eben: Out of the whole the knife dug into the ground come ninjas.
DM: On the other side of the planet, over in Kara-Tur, some samurai is facing down his ronin master or something, all of a sudden -- (miming the knife coming out of the ground into him)
Eben: That’s why Musashi was able to win all of his duels.
DM: Oooh, that’s what I should do. I should have Musashi show up and beat you up with a broken oar, Krixxix.
Krixxix: Everybody hates Krixxix…
Thalynmar: I think it’s your own fault.
Krixxix: You all love to play with him.
Thalynmar: Oh yeah, I do! My character is not a huge fan of him, but he likes him in his own special way.
Eben: He’s like Iglar without the asset.
Thalynmar: He especially loves crushing his shoulder.
DM: ‘We keep him around to make us feel better about our own flaws.’

Krixxix tries to rack up another conquest and spread STDs everywhere till he gets one named after himself. As they head off to bed, the DM calls for Perception checks. They fail, possibly because Krixxis is disseminating horrible videos. They wake up to the faint hint of ozone in the air and head downstairs.

DM: Downstairs is surprisingly busy for this time of morning. There’s a number of pilgrims who have come in and behind the bar is a new man you haven’t seen before. “Mornin’!”
Krixxix: “Where’s the gentleman that was here last night?”
DM: “Went home, went to sleep. He works the evenings, I work the mornings.”
Thalynmar: “Sawmill gravy and biscuits, please.”

The bartender waves them to the large center table, and the group immediately tries to move to a different table. An ominous awkward pause descends.

Thalynmar: ‘What you should be having for breakfast… is oats.’ Oh crap, they’re Quakers!

The group cracks up at this. They sit and wait. And wait. The suspicion in the air is blatant and obvious. They hear a grunting in the kitchen!

DM: “Oh, sounds like the food’s ready.”
Thalynmar: Out comes a cannon…
Maldrake: I get my hand on my sword, just getting ready. I feel like the moment the door closes, we’re gonna fight. And it’s gonna end, and the guy comes out. “Breakfast is OH MY GOD!” There’s gonna be just bodies and broken tables.

The group and the DM erupt into an argument over the size of the table and whether it is really a large table. A phone voice asks if they can ‘smell laugh out loud what the Rock is cooking’.

DM: Moments after the bartender makes his comment about the food being ready, there’s a tap tap tap on one of the windows – that’s a door.
Maldrake: Is this a window-facing room?
Krixxix: Can we use this as windows?
DM: You guys are gonna be super picky about the windows, I see…
Maldrake: You made them important! You made them important!

The knocking repeats and the bartender begs someone to see what it is. A pilgrim gets up and walks over to the window, then flings it open and dives to the side! Lightning shoots in, washing over the table. Krixxix evades, Maldrake shield-evades, Lualyrr takes half damage, and Maccath goes down in one blast.

Thalynmar: Their Deception roll was terrible, because we all saw this coming.

It turns out Lualyrr was never in the blast. Whoops! Initiative erupts as the pilgrims toss aside their robes to reveal themselves at cultists! Admiral Ackbar identifies many things that rhyme with ‘trap’.

DM: This guy takes his bonus action—
Maldrake: To jump over the table?
DM: -- and FLIES over the bar! Landing right there.
Maldrake: Holy shit. You did things we’ve never seen before. Can I mock – I’m gonna mock him. Can I use – to mock him, just be like, “Woo, never seen that before.”
Krixxix: Wouldn’t that be Intimidation? “I’m impressed…. Douchebag.”
Maldrake: I wish I coulda blocked her from the lightning, though, be like – (acting out a scene in which the lightning bursts off his shield)
Krixxix: …that woulda been pretty frickin’ awesome.
DM: Lualyrr, this warrior of the Dragon Cult lands in front of you heavily.
Maldrake: Whoever kills him needs to say, “You’re a shitty bartender.”

Lualyrr takes a blow, as Maldrake vows to be happy about everything. She takes 4 piercing, 7 electrical damage. The second one moves up to slash at Lualyrr as well, exploiting their pack tactics ability to get advantage, landing a blow for 4 piercing, 11 acid. Thalynmar slashes while Lualyrr detonates a Thunderwave on them.

DM: The one Thalynmar just hit could not make his save, as the dwarf moons -- (a long pause) --moons him, apparently.
Lualyrr: He takes 30 points of damage!

The DM merrily describes the one warrior soaking the damage, then sighing at his comrade who did not. The remaining cultists leap forward into the fray, with Raven as the first target.

DM: Raven, your AC is currently 19, yes?
Raven: It’s 18, but I can’t be crit.
Maldrake: You know what, I can’t either. Everyone make that statement.

Raven takes a hit, then Thalynmar takes two! Krixxix dodges the blow aimed for him, but endures the second for three blows.

DM: Blood trickles down. The dragonclaw licks his lips. “Heh. Too short to hit normally but you BLEED like any other child.” This guy moves up, and begins, heh, seeming emboldened by the sight of your blood – I should roll the attack first, you guys like that…
Krixxix: This guy steps up. You’re critted! But you didn’t even move.

The DM’s flavor text generator is in high form tonight as Krixxix gets slashed and then kicked in the gut. The PCs counter by helpfully causing the cultists to make stupid noises.

Eben: These are the lamest dragon cultists yet! Even though we’re all about to die. It’s gonna be embarrassing getting taken out by these fools, we fought a fucking dragon…
DM: What’s your AC?
Eben: My AC is, ‘you hit’.
DM: That’s not true, it’s 10. They could miss. You take… wow, seven points of damage.
Eben: You sure about that?
DM: Yeah, his bloodlust is not very lusty.

Krixxix spends an extraordinary amount of time trying to get onto the table to hide behind people, then trying to find a way to Disengage, Hide, and attack in the same action. The melee continues, as Krixxix sneak-attacks a guy and drops him, then ducks under the table. The DM goes on a mini-hunt, fails to find the one he was looking for, and marches a too-large dragon mini into the fray through the front doors to start biting. Raven chooses to focus on the weakest cultists.

DM: Make your attack.
Thalynmar: ‘I need the deck…’
DM: You’re so cynical.
Thalynmar: I learned it from you.
DM: Good.

Raven hits! And rolls poorly, but sets the poor guy’s hair on fire. He drops him with the second hit, then shield-shoves the other cultist. Maldrake casts a spell to allow him heals as a bonus action, and stabilizes Maccath, while Eben ponders his options. The DM points out Misty Step on his spell list, and someone drops down a space figure guy on the battle mat.

Maldrake: (singing a really stupid song as he moves the toy around)
Thalynmar: (stupid voice) ‘I, the avatar of Tiamat, have arrived.’
DM: Oh my God.
Thalynmar: ‘My theme music sucks.’

The DM describes Eben as misty-porting away just as the dragon lashes at him, and as always, has to clarify that as flavor. The group pauses to remove ladders from Sim pools and build rooms around people. Eben launches bolts into the fray.

DM: (moving a mini) From the kitchen, a massive form of a half-dragon, blue scaled and lusting for vengeance.
Maldrake: Lightning appears to be a theme here, boys!
Eben: Rezmir is back!

The half-dragon blasts Raven and Thalynmar with lightning (and the dragon, but it isn’t bothered). They tank it like champs, Maldrake shield-blocks for Lualyrr, forcing a crit failure on the cultist – he is now -1 till he crits, which is probably unlikely. Thalynmar becomes super-straight for unclear reasons. The players and the DM engage in an epic struggle over whether or not they will pay attention to the game.

Maldrake: I need Beard Club for Men.
DM: The second dragonclaw—
Krixxix: Why don’t you get a transplant? They’ll take pubes and put it on your face.
DM: -- turns to face you down, Maldrake—
Maldrake: I don’t want pubes on my face!!!
Krixxix: Isn’t that what they do, take it from other parts of your body?
Maldrake: No-o-o-o-o! I can’t play right now. That’s horrible!
Thalynmar: He’s got pubes on his face, he can’t play right now.
DM: A-HEM!

Lualyrr wandered off, so no one knows if she’s dead or not. A dragonclaw mocks Krixxix’s scale color, then promptly rolls a 2 and a 1 on his attack. Thalynmar unleashes hell, while Lualyrr comes back to declare herself dead, despite having 20 more hit points left. She lobs a Shatter into the tougher group, while Thalynmar goes to goddamn TOWN on a cake that needs to be sugared.

DM: The shatter blasts outward. Bottle behind the bar burst and erupt, as ale and beer and whiskey all lay…lu… leak from the shelves. The table bursts into splinters and collapses. Chairs go flying.

Krixxix gets scimitared under the table, taking 9 damage, while Thalynmar continues to go to town on the cake.

Maldrake: IT’S A WHITE TORNADO!
Krixxix: Look at all that coke! I mean sugar!
Thalynmar: I apologize to the transcriber.
DM: He takes a slash at Raven – oh no! Raven’s getting hurt!
Raven: What’s happening to Raven?
DM: You are crit!
Raven: I can’t be crit.

That solves that! Krixxix sneak attacks a dude, dropping him. The dragon stares down Raven, as the DM ramps up the flavor text again.

DM: Lightning crackles over its teeth and tongue as it addresses you, Raven. “Your weapon. Trade it to me, and I’ll let you live!”
Maldrake: Whoa, really?
Raven: “You’re telling me I need to give MY weapon up to you to live?”
DM: “Yes.”
Raven: “Yeah right.”
DM: “I tried! It’s mine either way,” the dragon smirks, and he reaches out to clamp his teeth down on you.
Eben: What’s his name?
DM: His teeth sink into your helmet.
Thalynmar: What a crazy name.
DM: You take 18 points of piercing damage and 7 points of lightning damage as the energy that was crackling through him discharges into your unresisting form.
Maldrake: Fear me, mortal, for my name is “His Teeth Sink Into Your Helmet.”
Raven: Medic!
Eben: So what do your friends call you?
DM: His first claw lashes you for ten points of damage!
Maldrake: (helpless laughing) God damn it, DM!
Eben: I thought it would be shorter! Nicknames are usually more conducive…
Maldrake: (still absolutely helpless)\
DM: Sneering—
Maldrak: (laughing even HARDER)
DM: As blood runs in rivulets down your armor, the dragon reaches out, attempting to close his claw on your hand and rip the sword from you by force. You reach up and slam your shield into the side of his head. It snaps to the side with a noise not unlike a whipcrack, and the force of the sudden movement whips his whole body to one side, knocking him over. He slams his claw back down since he still had movement and pushes himself back up, but all traces of good humor and amusement are gone from his expression.
Lualyrr: ‘Oh shit, I got owned!’
Thalynmar: I feel bad laughing through that.
Maldrake: I’m so sorry…
Raven: Okay, since he decided to turn me into a chew toy, I’m going to chop at him.

The group encourages Raven to whack a mook instead, while Thalynmar contemplates the bag of sugar.

Maldrake: Snort that shit.
Lualyrr: Stick your head in there and you’ll come out looking like Santa!
DM: Santa—DAMN IT! SON OF A BITCH! YOU STOLE MY JOKE! I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU! YOU STOLE MY FUCKING JOKE, DAMN IT!
Krixxix: I said I’d share my life with you, not my jokes!
DM: MOTHERFUCKER! GOD DAMN IT! THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!
Maldrake: Wow, you transformed into a baby fast.
DM: (rage-laughing helplessly)
Lualyrr: Best day of my life. BEST FUCKING DAY!

Raven cuts down a mook, then goes for the trip on the dragon, though the DM advises him to shove first. The shield-shove fails and the dragon taunts him, then stays standing through the trip. Maldrake blasts with acid breath, but his victims beast their saves! The DM advises Eben to kill everyone with Hunger of Hadar; he declines and lobs a Shatter into the fray instead, grumbling all the while about how he’ll never make a caster again.

DM: The half-dragon hefts his spear and begins to advance, but the one that is next to him flings out a hand. “No! They’ve taken out too many of us already. Get back! Make a retreat! Go! I’ll see him bleed!”

The enemies begin withdrawing, as the DM admits he slightly overtuned the encounter. Thalynmar, infuriated, Action Surges on the dragon in a desire to kill it, dealing out a huge amount of damage.

DM: “You’re using a weapon made of dragon parts!”
Eben: He’s still talking after you did all that!
DM: “That’s SICK! Euuugh! Euuuuuugh! Just – ewww! That’s disgusting!”
Eben: Is this like a pre-18 dragon?
Maldrake: He’s a young dragon.
Thalynmar: I get shit descriptions.
Krixxix: Right, your description of a crazy-ass attack like that is ‘ewww’.
Thalynmar: You jab your sword into his knee and try to yank him to the side… ‘Ewwww!’ I feel … I feel like… keep… never mind.
DM: …I’m starting to get a bit loopy, okay? I’m still mad about my joke! You step forward to kill the dragon but Lualyrr STEALS your kill, BETRAYING you after years of love and devotion!
Lualyrr: Nobody loves my ass, what are you talking about?! That’s a whole heaping bunch of bullshit!
DM: I love your ass…

Lualyrr and Eben debate whether or not a polymorph is a wise choice here, while the DM tries to get his flavor text generator firing on all cylinders again. Lualyrr lobs the polymorph, and the dragon just barely passes his save. Krixxix bounces his sword off the dragon’s foreleg. The DM curses his inability to recharge a dragon’s breath weapon EVER.

Thalynmar: We’re not dragonkillers, we’re dragon annoyers.

Krixxix charges out the door, intent on firing an arrow into the dragon, only to discover the dragon standing right there. The rest of the group pretends it doesn’t happen. The discussion gets weird.

DM: That’s what I’m going to do! All of my NPCs will have car doors and you won’t be able to hurt them.

The DM points out that the PCs have at last achieved enough notoriety among the Cult of the Dragon to be identified and hated to the point of murder attempts. He threatens them darkly with another, worse attempt. They emerge from the inn, to find that the entire tiny hamlet has been slaughtered in the night… and Thalynmar crushes Krixxix’s shoulder to keep him from looting the dead. With the encounter over, they gain a level for their efforts, and look forward to darkness ahead….
( Read comments )
Post a comment in response:
From:
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
User
Account name:
Password:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
Subject:
HTML doesn't work in the subject.

Message:

 
Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.