24 November 2016 @ 09:37 pm

Star Wars ensues, with the appropriate music: Guile’s Theme. Zarshaan immediately begins protesting her Conflict gains.

Zarshaan: You can’t say I didn’t do anything, I helped buy their freedom. I gave--
DM: You gave your money and that’s about it, you didn’t actually participate in the process. You took the easiest route out. That is Weakness.
Kon: A weakness of Weakness is such a weird one.

The DM recaps: Malefax has the child, a bounty is on their head, the droid XN is on the planet, and they haven’t decided whether or not they should stash all these bodies in Malefax’s room. Now: who do they trust and what do they do? If you’re Kon, you rage about Gohan being a little bitch.

Bremen: What was our plan? GTFO? No, extract the slaves—
Zareq: We had what’s his face… I can’t remember the name. The taxicab driver dude.
DM: Seben.
Bremen: Oh, we need what’s her name to fly our ship.
Zareq: We’re getting them to our ship, using Seben—
Bremen: Is it Zara-brek?
DM: Sara’brek, and Captain Sanaya of the Rebel Alliance.
Zareq: I have those names written down. I don’t have Seben’s name written down. And it isn’t going to be.
Bremen: You mean the Alliance to Restore the Republic?
Kon: I had said it last time and I’ll say it again: I had completely forgotten the Rebel Alliance is a thing up until that point.
DM: It’s very justifiable in character as well.

The DM encourages paranoia in the safety of the ship, and Zareq abandons all pretense of being in-character to speculate that Kraaax will not betray them after they slaughtered those goons.

Zareq: Unless she’s really fucking stupid.
Bremen: If she does, this’ll end really quick, so let’s just go with it.
Zareq: We don’t have much choice, to be honest.
Bremen: In or out of character.
Zareq: So we’re getting Seben to take the ladies over to the ship –
Kon: Can we rename the ship to the ‘Barack’ now?

The DM questions them on their plans and decisions; they shrug and demand to consult the transcription. They turn to Kon for Foresee; the DM promptly rules that he sees himself using Foresee to address his next dilemma.

Bremen: Maybe we can use our contacts here to put an APB out on Malefax.
Zareq: (utterly flat) One of our contacts here is trustworthy, completely and utterly trustworthy. She’s the best. Got us clothes and everything. Hid your ass. And the other one recommended her so he must be amazing too, right? And we’re about to put two ex-slaves on a cab to go to our own ship. This is a REALLY bad idea… except we don’t know that yet.
Bremen: I’ve got a Wisdom of 8!

Kon Foresees, bemoaning his lack of a second Force die, and comes up with Dark Side pips. He pushes on through, accruing Conflict and fueling the Destiny Pool.

DM: (comically evil) Your determination to know the future at any cost drives you onward. The Dark Side clutches at your soul—
Kon: Hold on a second, Dark Side. If you’re gonna talk like that, I think I’m gonna just stop this right now.
DM: (horrible seductive voice) The Dark Side clutches at your soul—
Kon: Just shut the fuck up!
Zareq: That’s even worse.
DM: Bingbong bingbong DarkSide bingbong!
Kon: We’ll take that.
DM: Danger swirls around the two ex-slaves.
Kon: I guess we’re going in the right direction.
Zareq: Wait, what?
Kon: I got the feeling danger loomed in that direction.
Zareq: No, around the two slaves we rescued.
Kon: Oh.
Zareq: So our decision is not a good one.
Kon: Yes.

They are shocked, SHOCKED, that Seben might be untrustworthy. Zarshaan angrily refuses to provide medical treatment to anyone because she’s busy slicing pie. Finally finishing, she discovers she doesn’t have Medicine.

Zarshaan: I was thinking Negotiation, I guess.
DM: You convince him his wounds are not serious!
Kon: Okay wounds, okay wounds – I think you should close. Let me explain to you why you should close.

With the threat of betrayal looming, the PCs are uncertain what to do. Sanaya suggests they secure their ship, since Malefax will have to move to another city entirely to escape into space otherwise. Somehow everyone ends up with the Devaronian Flu.

Kon: “I will go with you. My vision makes me… not willing to trust our would-be allies as much as I did before.”
Zareq: “Your visions haven’t led us astray before.”
Bremen: ‘Your visions ain’t shit!’

The discussion wanders into a Guardians of the Galaxy reference that ends with Sanaya calling Vader to prove she can beat him down. The DM calls for Perception checks. Bremen nearly has an aneurysm as his difficulty dice both come up blank.

Bremen: Never happen again – there’s three! There’s FOUR!
DM: I’ve sapped your luck in one mighty roll! (making sucking noises and gesturing to himself dramatically)
Zarshaan: I don’t know what I did.
Bremen: You see the vending machine! It is empty!
DM: The ice machine RATTLES!

They hear the faint sounds of arguing in Wirluckian, and Kon, who rolled best--

Kon: I hear the faint sounds of Beepboop.
Zareq: Bingbong.
Kon: They’ve kidnapped him!

It is Kraaax and Seben! Zareq, as is his wont, attempts to circumvent the language barriers.

Zareq: I take a little fish, put it in my ear. Can I understand them?
DM: It – it eats your brain.
Zareq: What did – what did I buy? Was it a Babel fish?
Kon: It’s those slugs from Star Trek.
Zareq: I just start mixing everything up.
Bremen: Wrath of Khan. That Kon.
Kon: He’s over there going, “Khan! Khan!” (inexplicably heiling with each exclamation)
DM: Why does everything end in heiling?!
Zareq: I don’t know…

A sudden argument over Hendlar’s stats, OF ALL THINGS, erupts. They finally elect to go down and see what’s afoot.

DM: You emerge from the room, lightsabers drawn and ignited.
Kon and Bremen: What?
Zareq: That sounds like what I would do with this new fish brain.
DM: You emerge from your room, lightsabers not drawn and ignited, and head down the stairs. As you come downstairs you see the two Wirluckians arguing over the counter, though their argument trails off. Seben looks up at you. “Ah, you guys!”
Kon: “Everything okay?”
DM: “Yeah! I hear you want some transport.”
Kon: “Yes. We need to make our way back to our ship.”
DM: “Excellent! Just the two ladies?”
Zareq: “No. We will all be going.”
DM: “Oooooh.”
Bremen: (laughing at that jowly noise) ‘No you won’t!’
DM: “I might need to pull in a second croaker.”
Zareq: “No, we’ll fit in.”
DM: “…The croaker… that can only handle so much weight, you guys—“
Zarshaan: “Are you saying I’m fat?!”
DM: “Uh-er-no---“
Zarshaan: “ARE YOU SAYING I’M FAT?!”
DM: “I’m saying there’s six of you! There were only four before! Now there’s six!”
Zarshaan: “He’s saying we’re fat, ladies…”
DM: “Look, you want to get back to the spaceport on one croaker or not?”
Kon: Out of character… FEMININE SHIT WON’T WORK IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE! Back in character.

Zareq and Seben argue over whether or not they should get a second croaker and arrive at a compromise: the croaker will pull two of them behind it on pads. At last they step out of the hookah bar.

Zareq: Thermal detonator… (mimes lobbing it back into the bar) I’m racking up the Conflict today!
DM: A wispy fog curls around all the surfaces of this platform, erupting from the swamp. As night is slowly falling, the air has cooled and the water less so, causing it to curl upwards. Taking you over to the docking platform—
Zareq: My spider sense goes off!
DM: You see the form of the croaker down in the water below. Seben goes down and begins to unhook a large pair of discs, leaf-shaped but clearly not biological, and he begins to harness them to the back of the seats. “All right? Who’s on?”

Zareq and Zarshaan hop on, making Athletics check to balance on the floating pads… or DO they?

Kon: He’s like, y’all were wrong! It was a Negotiation check, you must negotiate with gravity.
Zareq: ‘Please! PLEASE!’
DM: Difficulty 5, gravity don’t give no shits.

Zareq balances, but Zarshaan can’t remain standing. Her cool factor drops as everyone piles onto the croaker. The croaker promptly takes off without Zareq and Zarshaan, sinks, or goes into hyperspace. Seben relaxes, cheerfully telling them not to be too heavy and croaking a laugh.

Zareq: Light Side help me… Light Side help me!

The croaker croaks out over the water as they go, attracts a mate, and many Athletics checks are rolled. They hear another croaker in the distance!

Bremen: That’s the one with the Stormtroopers. Because it just so happens the weight limit on these things is enough for an encounter. There are five Stormtroopers on the back of this croaker.

Kon tries to Foresee, but rolls Dark Side and only views frogs croaking beer advertisments. But Seben identifies that at a croaker belonging to his associate Bezen, and tells them not to worry. Their paths are going to intersect shortly, on the path to the skyport.

DM: “Bezen! Bezen!” “Seben! How ya doin’?” “I’m doin’ good! Ya on the same route?” “Yeah, headin’ for the docks!” “Ah bring your—“
Bremen: (miming pointing his lightsaber at his skull and igniting it)
All: (laughing)
Bremen: Knowing how bad you roll in this game, I’d survive.
DM: Oh, a Despair! It goes over your head and impales the Twi’lek! You were holding it the wrong way!
Zareq: ‘I killed Seben – oh well.’
DM: After another minute, you can see off to the side the figure of another croaker—
Kon: Please tell me he’s in there. Please tell me. The boy and fucking Malefax are in there just chilling out, and there’s a moment before we all look…

Seben is declared to be Treebeard, to the DM’s bafflement, before Seben explains all ICly that this is the ‘road’ to the spaceport. Bremen still finds the coincidence quite suspicious.

Bremen: “Why would he be going this way? Does he have a fare?”
DM: “I dunno. HEY! You got a fare over there?” “Yeah—“(coughing) “No! Just heading back!”
Zareq: Is there a Perception check on this?!
Bremen: ‘Definitely… not.. .squad of Stormtroopers!’
Zareq: I’m guessing that was a Force choke,
Kon: Is there a way to detect Force?
Bremen: There’s a way to detect encounter. We’ve just done it. Out of character.
Zareq: To use a term Iglar used to use, I’ll finger my lightsaber.

The DM calls for Perception checks. Zarshaan attempts to boost Zareq’s Perception check, arguing that she can help him effectively by shutting up. Destiny Pool duels occur! He rolls quite well, and Kon also thinks he saw something prodding the driver through the fog! The DM tries to make them roll to whisper to each other; they sensibly refuse. They hear an engine whining over the treetops in the distance!

Bremen: (miming producing his binoculars and peering through them)
Kon: You’re not Barack.
Zareq: He probably has real binoculars.
Bremen: Yes I do!
DM: Optical or digital ?


Bremen: For FUCK’S sake. Fuck you and your -- (expletives lost under laughter)L
Kon: Easy answer. They are SPACE binoculars.
DM: (laughing helplessly) That was a legitimate question…

Bremen cannot make out the figure on the back, though the DM and Bremen promptly hail Zareq, who is now fifty feet tall, made of gold, and is King Homer. But Seben abruptly recoils slightly.

DM: “Ah, listen up you guys. I don’t know what’s going on here, but my friend just asked for help.”
Zareq: ‘YEAH, WE KNOW!”
Kon: “I suspected there may be a problem.”
DM: “Whoever’s on his back doesn’t speak Wirluckian. Lucky for him!”
Zareq: “WIRLUCKY for that!”
DM: (laughing furiously in-character)

They get Seben to casually ask who the passenger is, and the DM rolls his Deception check. Bremen angrily dismisses all Wirluckians as swindlers and green Ferengi with gills. The DM rolls.

DM: Well. This turned out interesting.
Zareq: A Triumph AND a Despair. And an advantage.
Bremen: So Malefax knows something is up, but he doesn’t really know what.
DM: In fact, as the two are conversing, neither of them realizes that the croakers are drifting closer together. And when an abrupt breeze whips though, blowing away the fog, your countenances are clearly revealed, as is the Devaronian on the other croaker.

Initiative erupts, as do the arguments over which skill to roll for Initiative! Once that’s all rolled, Zareq finds himself pondering his options from the pad behind the croaker.

Zareq: “Seben! Fishtail us!”
DM: “What?!”
Zareq: “Fishtail us! Slap me towards him!”
DM: “Okay!”

Zareq pulls out his blaster, discovers the difficulty is 2 red dice, and refuses to roll.

Zareq: You don’t want Despair dice.
Kon: Yeah, so.
Zareq: Throw your gun.
Bremen: Yeah, throw it in the swamp. You can’t roll badly on it when it’s gone.

The whole planet turns out to be a giant worm. Seben pounds on the croaker’s head, making it kick out to shove the pads sidelong as per Zareq’s request. Zareq stays on but doesn’t gain advantageous position, but Zarshaan falls in and manages to make her pad a stepping point between the two croakers. Bremen refuses to make the jump.

Bremen: How many hit points does the swamp have?
DM: A fair number.

Breven does nothing, while Sanaya fires her disrupted pistol and STRIKES Malefax with its bolt! Sara’brek… sensibly hides. Malefax fires at a random foe!

DM: That gives him… one, two, three, four, and Sanaya is five. (rolling a d6) Si—DAMN YOU, DIE! Four. He’s firing at Bremen, whose lit lightsaber is illuminating his features somewhat.
Zareq: Hummmmmm!

Malefax misses, and Zareq tries to help Zarshaan onto his pad – unsuccessfully, and he topples in as well.Their noise startles Malefax’s croaker, spoiling the cover he had taken behind it.

DM: He curses in his Devaronian tongue: Basic.

Zareq takes the first slot and goes for broke, leaping onto the croaker, then to the pad. Infuriated by the DM ruling that he gets two difficulty dice for the jump from pad to croaker, he nevertheless makes the leap.

Zareq: I’ll say, “Where’s the boy?!”
Kon: You crushed his neck! You look down…
Zareq: Well, there’s a million Conflict.
Kon: ‘Looks like I’m your side, Malefax!’
DM: Naw, it was only 10, it was accidental.
Kon: Your saber just instantly goes red.
Zarshaan: Oh, that’s a bad thing…
Zareq: Huh. Well, when in Rome.
DM: When on Wirluck…

The DM rolls for Breven’s efforts to spur the croaker, which come up successful but disasdvantaged. He gets whomped in the gut by the croaker’s head for his troubles. With the croaker pulling ahead, Kon uses his blaster to intimidating and Coercive effect.

Kon: Two successes and 2 advantage.
DM: Your bolt cracks into the swamp just where the tree hits the water, and an explosion of bark and sap erupts out of it in front of the croaker. It rears backwards, letting out a horrified croak.

Someone fills the air with the sounds of blaster fire, while Kon tries to claim a ‘free maneuver’ exempts him from rolling so he can Dark Ryu all over the place. Denied this, he leaps, fails, plunges his hands into the mud of the swamp, and drowns. Then he actually rolls.

DM: You leap across, slam down on the pad, and it promptly sinks beneath you, going below the surface and dropping you into the drink.
Zareq: ‘Fatty!’
Kon: I landed on the pad! We all like our small successes.

The NPCs all pass, and Malefax draws a new shiny sword. It is not a lightsaber.

DM: He looks at your weapon. “So… you came to ruin my plans once again! And now this time you have something I want! I intend to take it.” And he strikes at you!
Zareq: Well, I’m dead.
DM: Huh. Well, thank you for not making me roll, I guess! I really appreciate it.

Malefax scores three successes, and the cortosis-forged blade clashes with Zareq’s lightsaber before dealing a small wound to him after soak and Parry. Bremen tries to cross the gap, rolls terribly, and joins Kon and Zarshaan in the swamp. Kon gets to the croaker through dint of swimming.

DM: Malefax and Zareq are lightly dodging amongst the seats as their blades clash. Sparks fly from the Sith sword as it disrupts the plasma containment of the lightsaber.
Kon: I guess this scene is a little too intense for me to calm the pilot down and reassure him.
DM: You can try. He’s just sort of, “Aaaah! Aaaah!”
Zareq: There’s poop running down his leg…
Kon: I wanna use my Presence… and what ability…
Kon: Kill With Kindness. Charm.
Zareq: Put a clothespin on his dick.
DM: What?!
Zareq: So he doesn’t piss himself any more.
DM: There’s no need to fear. He’s empty.

Despite his roleplaying as an asshole, Kon reduces setback dice with his Kill With Kindness talent, and rolls. Zarshaan scrambles onto the croaker and into the midst of combat. Kon’s roll turns up three successes, and three disadvantage.

DM: The kind words practically wash over this guy like a ray of sunshine. He’s been intimidated and brutalized by Malefax this entire trip.
Kon: With the three disadvantage, my head falls to the ground, and he panics again.
DM: He whirls around and practically clutches at you, half a hug, half a gesture for reassurance. The croaker feels the hands go off its reins and begins to shift and dive beneath the surface of the water.
Zareq: Oh. The disadvantage.
DM: You’re plunged up to your knees and the rest of the battlefield is sinking.

The Destiny Pool gets confused. Zarshaan manages to calm the croaker down – for the moment. The PCs discover Malefax has Adversary 2, upgrading all checks against him twice, but Zareq rolls to hit him – gaining Triumph, but also three disadvantage.

Zareq: I do something awesome! And fall prone.

Pondering his options, Zareq struggles to come up with an idea. The DM suggests that HE could adjudicate it and Zareq, somehow trusting the DM after all this time, agrees!

DM: The two of you exchange blows. You snap the lightsaber in past his defenses and it’s only with a desperate maneuver that he brings his blade around and parries the worst of the thrust. And as both of your blades flash sideways, they shred the lid of the luggage compartment. Inside you see a writhing form struggling against bonds, tied up.
Zareq: Really.
DM: What would you have done?!
Zareq: I wouldn’t have tied him up in the first place!
DM: That’s the difference between you and meeeeee! Anyway, both your lightsaber and the cortosis sword—
Kon: Pierce the flesh of the young boy!
DM: Pierce the flesh of the CROAKER! As you’re swinging them around. And so it’s unhappy once again.
Zareq: “SORRY!”

Zeben is, surprisingly, still keeping pace with them and not kidnapping the women for prurient interests. The group realizes just how this would have gone down had they not accompanied them.

Kon: It wouldn’t have been Seben’s fault, either. We woulda blamed him for it. Killed him later.
Zareq: ‘I didn’t do anything wrooooong!’

Kon ponders the low numbers of one-handed Jedi. Malefax attacks Zareq, wounding him. Zareq is horrified to discover that the monomolecular edge mod lets him score a crit! Knocked prone, Zareq suffers a strain. Bremen attempts to drown.

DM: Light floods the battlefield –
Zareq: There’s the ship.
DM: Illuminating all of you with brilliant searchlights. Above you the whine of the engines increases as the shuttle ship pulls into a matching trajectory with you all.
Kon: Please tell me it’s a mechanical voice saying, ‘I finally found you all.’
DM: The hatch on the back opens. A cloaked, impossibly thin figure—
Kon: Oh yes.
DM: Falls from it and lands on the back of the other croaker.
Kon: Please tell me he’s going to capture us—
DM: You hear four wicked hums and the croaker’s death cry.
Kon: Malefax! Enemy of our enemy?
DM: Seben curses and flings himself into the swamp as blood fills the water.
Zarshaan: Oh, we are SO fucked.
DM: (pointing at them) “Surrender!”

Debate occurs over whethe XN is holding the ex-slaves hostage; he is not. Zarshaan hurries to free the boy – she and the DM get into an argument over how the heck she’s freeing him and why, which expands to include everyone.

DM: Malefax at this point is almost paying you guys no attention as he stares across at the droid, a bead of sweat trickling down his black and red forehead.
Zarshaan: See, that’s what I was counting on. Suddenly, who the fuck is this guy?
Zareq: Is the droid talking to him or us or both?
DM: Yes.

Zareq resolutely tries to pin down just how much setback he’s facing, while the DM struggles to compile the list. He rolls excellently and delivers another wound to Malefax, along with a crit! The Devaronian is disoriented! Breven fails to control the croaker, and it hurries to dive once more. Completely resigned to his terrible luck, Bremen misses by a mile.

DM: Malefax takes his maneuver and flings himself off the side of the croaker! A moment later, a tree rises out from beneath the surface of the water – damn! He sucked it up good. Despite the fact that the Force itself seems to oppose him, he taps deeply into it, snarling as he tries to force his anger—
Kon: Reaching for faeries and good thoughts!
DM: I want all of you to make an Athletics check as he hurls the tree low over the croaker, trying to sweep you all off.

Zareq discovers that steering the croaker is Piloting(planetary) and is infuriated. Worse, it comes with setback dice, but Kon is game to make the attempt anyway.

DM: If you have any social stuff you want to apply I’ll let you use it, believe it or not.
Zareq: (gasping) Oh my god, the generosity! Holy fucking shit! Holy Christ!

Kon rolls Despair, causing the croaker to hang itself. Then he actually rolls, but fails to soothe the beast. XN leaps into the middle of the melee, hard enough that it wounds the croaker from the pressure of the landing.

DM: Four lightsabers come out, each of them pointed in one of the cardinal directions. You could orient a compass by him, as he waits for one of you to make his move.
Bremen: Is he holding one straight down?
Zareq: We’re on the planet….
Bremen: Is he holding one this way? (holding up an arm in a curved posture)
DM: What are you thinking? I don’t understand.
Bremen: Well, if his map has north THIS way…
DM: OH! I SEE! And fuck you all, that’s all I have to say!

Everyone enjoys a good laugh at the DM’s pain.

DM: Malefax screams from the water, “Surrender the boy to me and I will save you!”

A long pause.

Zareq: (incredulously) No!

Zarshaan works on freeing the boy, who appears to be sedated. The players are baffled at how this combat has gone; the DM points out that they handled him easily last time.

Zareq: We were on a ship!
DM: And now you’re in the middle of a swamp! Think! What don’t droids do very well?
Zareq: Swim, yes. We ARE already in the water…
DM: (miming a periscope coming up) No, he’s not Artoo, he’s not going to whip that out…

Zareq tries to move a chair but they all quickly realize they aren’t picturing this right. Kon stares off in the distance, trying to think of something, anything.

Kon: Oh. (long pause) Oh. I grab the dude. “Take. Us. Under.”
DM: “But – but you can’t breathe!”
Kon: “I’ll hold my breath.”
DM: “…Okay, here we go!” The pilot turns his attention from trying to prevent you all from drowning to encouraging you all to drown. For this, he gets boost dice like crazy because this is in line with the croaker’s instincts… oh boy, does he succeed!
Kon: As part of my action besides telling him that, I grab on and hold my breath!
DM: The croaker hurls itself underneath. Those of you that are still on the back can either cling on and go under with it, or float to the surface.

Kon imagines a wonderful scenario in which Bremen, Zareq, and Malefax are all alternately doggy-paddling, treading water, and dueling.

DM: The droid leaps forward, his lightsabers all out, as he goes for the tangle of you in the water, only to stop in midair.
Bremen: Malefax…
DM: Yes. Behind, you see Malefax -- (holding out his hands and straining) “Now! Do you give me what I want or do I set him on you?!”

The players refuses to give in and Bremen still hungers for Malefax’s blood, practically daring him to drop the droid on all of them. The droid, meanwhile, is freaking out.

DM: “Force usage. Force usage. Force usage. Force usage. Force usage. Force usage.”
Zareq: You better get him.
Zarshaan: What was your first clue, asshole?
Bremen: Gesundheit! Gesundheit! Gesundheit! Gesundheit!
Kon: A ship comes down. “Force usage?!” Shit just got real. Fight… lord of the Sith of the Empire, Malefax, and the robot, or learn to breathe underwater. Learn to breathe underwater is the easiest task of all!
DM: “Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!”
Zareq: …Oh, SHIT! You might wanna dip down…

Blasters fill the air and blast the water, hailing destruction down on them but unable to hit thanks to the water. The DM threatens to increase adversary ranks every time one of them mocks the phrase ‘Force usage’. The water is not very deep, especially atop the croaker. Zareq and Zarshaan get a chance to grab onto the croaker.

DM: Bremen? Are you climbing on, or will you stay to fight Malefax TO THE DEATH?
Kon: Don’t give him that option!
Zareq: He’s already bitter enough.
Zarshaan: He’ll be like, “I’ll take it.”
Bremen: Win or lose, I’d die here.

The croaker rises up just enough for them to stop Malefax using the Force to hurl XN into the shuttle’s engine. XN cuts the engine away before it can come to harm, causing troopers to fall out with Wilhelm screams as the shuttle careens wildly into a tree. No one can follow them now, so the croaker swims on! They catch up with the fleeing Seben and women and toss them a space-rope. The DM finds a chance for drama.

Zareq: Hold a hand out…
DM: Which one do you grab?
Zareq: I’unno.
Kon: What are they on right now?
DM: Drugs.
Kon: No, are they on dry land or something?
DM: No, they’re floating up ahead of you.
Kon: On a croaker?
DM: No, just floating there.
Zareq: Not to be that guy…
DM: No no, here are your options. You can grab the mature and responsible Captain of the Rebel Alliance, the young and beautiful Twi’lek girl, or the Wirluckian. Which do you grab?
Zareq: The Twi’lek, she’s not skilled in buoyancy…
DM: Also she’s yours.
Zareq: (frustrated sigh)
Bremen: Oh yeah, you did buy her.
Kon: “Captain!”
DM: Leaving Bremen to grab the Wirluckian. The croaker swims on. Soon the fog wraps around you again, leaving all sight of the battlefield behind you. Along with Malefax, who knows what will happen to him? And the droid, who is perhaps starting to realize that he has GOT to stop engaging you in environments that heavily favor you guys.

They reach the docks with the exhausted croaker lumbering onto the dark. Kon pets it, killing it because it was so weak. Seben bemoans the death of his croaker.

Zareq: “At least you’re alive!”
DM: “Oh, this is all because I decided to do you all a favor. Now look at me!”
Kon: “We did not think that the robot guy would fly out of nowhere and Malefax would be there on your buddy’s croaker.”
DM: “My whole livelihood…”
Zareq: I put a hand on Seben’s shoulder. “Seben, you helped save three lives, isn’t that worth it?”
DM: “But ruined my own, I’ll be a pauper!”
Zareq: How many credits do I fucking have….
Bremen: In the Bioware version of this game, this is where we threaten his life and he gives US money.

The DM challenges their best Discipline check!

Kon: What’s the difficulty?
DM: The difficulty is two red and one yellow. Two red and one purple.
Zareq: I LIKE this difficulty!
DM: You know, I’d like to see any of you fucks run this game!
Zareq: That’s why I haven’t done it!

Zarshaan rolls a Triumph awesomely, and immediately calls Seben out on his bullshit. Seben just shrugs and says they can’t blame him for trying.

Kon: We still need to pay him for the trip.
Zareq: Shut the hell up.
Bremen: The trip?! We SWAM halfway here!

Seben cheers up at the prospect of using the story to earn drinks and women, the latter idea creeping Kon and Zareq out substantially. The guard greets them and makes implications regarding their purchases as they head for the ship.

Kon: (sobbing) Someone check our robot aga-a-a-ain…
Zareq: BINGBONG! Mwaaah! Mwaaah! It’s like kissing a peanut.

There’s a shady dude looking like a 1920’s gangster hanging out by their ship, but he just tips his cap and moves on. They realize Kraaax had at least delivered on her service. They step on, finding Bingbong recording himself on camera.

Zarshaan: “Bingbong, are you taking selfies?”
DM: "Bingbong bingbong bingbong bingbong.”
Zareq: And that means…?
Zarshaan: “Are you enjoying yourself?”
DM: “Bingbong bingbong bingbong.”
Zarshaan: I hope that’s a yes.
Kon: “Listen, flying the ship, we gotta check for anything on the ship while in the ship.”
Zareq: “Bingbong, did anybody come on the ship?”
DM: “Bingbong bingbong bingbong.”
Zareq: Is that a yes or no?
Kon: We don’t understand him!
Bremen: Bing for yes, bong for no!

Comedy ensues as they interrogate Bingbong, and he passes them a little recording device. Zareq breaks it and is broken by Bingbong in turn. Captain Sanaya takes the pilot seat.

DM: “At least I can do the job you bought me for.”
Zareq: “Please don’t use that term. I don’t care if it’s true.”
Kon: “I feel bad enough as it is!”
Zareq: “I’ll copilot, if you don’t mind.”
Kon: “You just want a chair.”
Zareq: “Yep.”

They exit the atmosphere, finding the Star Destroyer is in orbit but on the other side of the planet. It ‘requests’ they stop and be boarded. Sanaya starts the hyperdrive… and it makes a horrible failing noise.

Zareq: Yeah, they disabled it. Who disabled it? Bingbong, did you disable the warp drive?
DM: “I’m just kidding with you. I wanted to see the expressions on your face.”

Now, where do they go? Sara’brek has no home any more and wants to come with them, but the kid needs treatment and Sanaya needs to go back to the Rebel Alliance.

Kon: If I can get all successes on these dice, we get to meet Luke at this fucking base. All successes, it has to be all of them.
DM: I’m curious to see how this goes…
DM: The Force is on my side.
Kon: This base doesn’t even know what a Luke is.
DM: Here it is, the moment you waited for. You get to meet Luke. (stupid voice) “Hello everybody.”
Zareq: It’s not Luke SKYWALKER, is it.

The PCs wonder if them going to a Rebel Alliance base. Sanaya points out that they’re enemies of the Empire, and no doubt being hunted as they speak for their obvious Jedi-ish-ness.

Kon: “Hey, we didn’t use Force powers.”
DM: She looks at you. Looks down at the lightsaber at your belt—
Kon: Yeah. Yeah. I gotcha.
DM: Looks back up at you.
Kon: Yeah. I gotcha.
Zareq: Point taken.

Somehow Bingbong goes into hyperdrive. They abruptly realize they should watch the message Bingbong gave to them, and Zareq plops it into his datapad. It’s a recording of the droid equivalent of a Livejournal.

Bremen: He’s been tweeting.
DM: Yep.
Zarshaan: He’s blogging.
DM: He’s a blogger.
Bremen: Is that how they found us?
DM: Probably.
Zarshaan: “Bingbong…”
Zareq: “Bingbong, you can’t be doing this any more.”

Bingbong looks so sad at this that they promptly rescind their decree, especially as the DM points out it was perfectly innocent on the droid’s part. Zarshaan convinces him to edit it lightly to protect them.

Kon: God damn it, why does the Empire have a BLOGGER division?! It’s the best job in the Empire!
DM: To be fair, they do have a very strong public relations division that works on sanitizing the media in the areas they control.
Kon: There’s one guy who has to read the really raunchy stuff… There’s got to be a lot of Jedi live fanfictions out there. Vader going around catching dumbasses with like, a sword that says ‘laser’ on it.
DM: But very few of them were actually written by the robot that were, up to very recently, in the personal employ of the assassin droid.
Zareq: That’s true…
DM: XN knew where to look for his Livejournal.
Zareq: That makes perfect sense…

Conflict is rolled for, experience is gained, and off they go into the distance, to their next adventure! The relation of this system to the actual movies is questioned.

Zareq: How much Conflict did he get for cutting off three dude’s limbs and then saying, “you were supposed to be the chosen one! You were my brother! I loved you!”
DM: Ah, he was good.
Bremen: He had the high ground.
DM: The moral high ground.

The game ends… to Guile’s theme.