06 October 2016 @ 06:21 pm


It’s the long-forgotten 5E game, unplayed for perhaps a year! When last we left our heroes, they had been fighting a lich in the depths of thri-kreen warrens for control over one of the eggs of DESTINY.

Elkus: At least this time he’s not like, ‘I can’t remember how it ends. So let’s just say you all won. Level up.’
DM: The first troll is now a smoldering heap, two more trolls still alive. The lich now flying over the egg, power surging through him. He’s preparing something. Those of you with knowledge of the arcana recognize him, he could be a powerful lich!
Elkus: Could be! But he ain’t.
Balisar: Fortunately he’s holding back for some reason. Thank god.
DM: You immediately notice that—
Valan: Adventurer’s Guild, what is it, like, 2010 that we last played that?
DM: Across his cloak is a deep green scar that seems to not heal. It matches the same magical energies of the serpent circling the egg. It appears that perhaps the deep wound is preventing him from casting the more powerful spells. But now he seems to be focusing all his remaining spells to do something.
Valan: To finish the monk.
Elkus: “I’ve heard of grandstanding before, but this – this I don’t like.”
Balisar: I cast Misty Step and I will teleport over to interpose myself between him and the egg.
DM: You appear before him. The spells and magics begin to rip at you. The sheer amount of magic pulses around. It feels like your very magical essence is being ripped from you!
Elkus: Let’s add magic to more sentences!
DM: Let me see your character sheet for a minute?
Elkus: Tear it up.
Balisar: “You can not! Take! This! Egg!”
Tyr: I actually forget which character I’m playing in this one…
Balisar: Tyr!
Valan: Actually, Roselia did have a character in this one!
Balisar: She had multiple characters.
Valan: Creed and Roselia.
Balisar: She refused to admit Creed ever existed, we had an argument.
DM: He continues to build magic, you feel the very life essence draining from you as he spends the next turn absorbing the very life. An evil grin appears on his face as if he was expecting you to do this action.
Valan: You lose 30 hit points.
DM: You lose—
Valan: 30!
Balisar: 32!
Valan: 32 hit points!
Elkus: 77.
Valan: One more hit point than you can afford to lose.
DM: You take 10 hit points of damage as your very life is pulled from you. You can see the green scar on his chest reduce a little bit. Weird order…
Elkus: There was a feathered serpent, I believe.
DM: You can see that it’s weakening, it’s trying with all its might to keep the trolls off you.
Elkus: With their lewd comments.
Balisar: “Elkus… I never thought I would say this… SUNBLADE! Also some other help would be appreciated.”
Elkus: How far up in the air is this guy?
DM: He’s about 20 feet above the egg.
Elkus: “I can’t reach it!”
Balisar: “Throw it! That always works!”

They wander off into a digression over whether or not the lich will take psychic damage. It doesn’t, the DM rules, so Elkus deploys Dissonant Whispers to scan his brain.

Tyr: I realize that one of my weapons has dragon detection.
Elkus: Well thank god it’s not going off, that’d be a bad thing to add to all this.
Valan: What’s the range on it?
Tyr: 120 feet.
Valan: I would hope that in any situation – any situation where that would actually alert us first, I would think that would be just enough time for us to say prayers.
Elkus: What’s the range on the cone of fire on a gold dragon? 120 feet, aww.

After a couple of checks for other options, Elkus goes back to Dissonant Whispers after all. Tyr ponders throwing his javelin.

DM: His gaping green wound sparkles as if begging to be struck upon by stuff. (fake coughing) He rolled a 10…

Elkus powers it with a second level slot, and the lich is wracked by damage. Somehow it resists the mandate to flee, though its wound gapes larger and the pull on Balisar’s life stops. Tyr misses with his javelin.

Elkus: You hit Balisar!
Balisar: I have to keep the Headband of Intellect on at all times now, if I take it off my intellect goes down to 6 and I’m a moron.
Elkus: ‘Elkuh.’
Balisar: ‘Elkur.’
Elkus: He’s a clothy, he can’t have too high AC!
Balisar: He’s a lich!
DM: Technically his AC’s pretty good. He’s sitting on a shitton of natural armor.

Valan starts deploying Double Dragon moves, because he’s a monk, and lays into a troll. Being Valan, he declares he misses before even checking his to-hit bonuses; it turns out he hits. Aurianna casts Spiritual Weapon.

Balisar: There’s a horde of thri-kreen running around under my control fighting the ones that are not controlled.
Valan: How did you get control of them? I do remember…
Balisar and Elkus: Rod of Rulership.
Valan: (muttering) Thrallherd.
Balisar: No!
Elkus: Dragon! Dragon! Dragon!
Valan: Thri-kreen! Thri-kreen!

Valan denies he needs healing; Aurianna heals him anyway, because she suspects he’s just being cynical. Balisar prepares a Chromatic Orb.

DM: If you wish you can reach out in an attempt to pull in some of the magical energies –
Balisar: Oh! I’ll do that!
DM: --to increase the power of your spell or to add another spell effect, but know this: you’ll be pulling in lich energy, dark, lifeless energy—
Balisar: Eh.
DM: It could have… okay.
Balisar: I must defend the egg. I trust my comrades to strike me down if I become a threat to them.
Valan: Just like the… what’s the name of the mage in Warcraft?
Elkus: “Without a doubt, sir!”
Valan: You end up with this giant beard for whatever reason.
Balisar: I’m a DRAGONB –HOW?!

Balisar wisely refuses to actually use the lich’s power directly against it, expecting that its own energy will only empower it. He takes 3 points of unrestorable damage and hurls the Chromatic Orb back – missing horribly.

Valan: Ah, good old D&D. d20 system.
DM: You can sacrifice the amplify to attempt to reroll.
Balisar: Yeah, I’ll do that.

Balisar still misses. A background discussion on the racism in the first Mortal Kombat abruptly becomes a foreground conversation, as Balisar abruptly remembers he can’t roll for crap in this campaign.

DM: He begins to pull energy again. Seems the attacks on him interrupted the spell, almost as if he has to start again. All his focus is on it, he doesn’t even see you any more.
Valan: Now he’s hammering the keyboard, cursing his cooldown.
DM: “I will TAKE! THIS! EGG!”
Balisar: (mimes slapping arcade pad buttons for a super)
DM: He pulls at you, it’s going out further. You watch as the trolls themselves begin to weaken. Life begins to pour out of them, more life goes into the lich! The spells and magics now, more vile energy surrounds you. You feel it almost pouring into yourself.
Balisar: Yeah, that’s what I need to do. I need to make a wand of magic missiles for EVERYBODY. That way the next time this happens…
Elkus: It’ll never happen again, that’s the problem.
Balisar: The next time you idiots are all standing around, “oh I don’t have a ranged attack!”
Elkus: I do have a ranged attack, I’m doing it! I still have two casts left. And if you can’t do what needs to be done!
DM The thri-kreen forces battling each other under the foolish rulership under the Rod of Command. “Do stuff!”
Valan: I just picture this whole cavern full of thri-kreen Itchy-and-Scratchying each other.
Balisar: I’m imagining it like in FTL, with a bunch of mantids going at it.

The lich’s control over the kreen is weakening, though, and the fight amongst them is subsiding. Elkus throws out Dissonant Whispers again, and the lich fails again!

DM: His will contines to weaken because he rolls two less than the last time!
Balisar: I’m just going to take credit for distracting him, that’s all I got.
Valan: ‘I am Balisar, and Balisar means… me!’
Balisar: ‘Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks!’ Minor Image!

The lich again doesn’t flee, but its spell is interrupted again. Tyr hurls a javelin which actually hits.

DM Barely passing your comrade as it nicks his ear. Not enough to do any damage, because he’s in too much pain in other places.
Balisar: My groooooooin! I’m a Star Wars character!

Aurianna hits again with her Spiritual Weapon, then fires a Guiding Bolt into him. Power surges into Balisar some more, and the DM calls for a Charisma check to resist the temptation of going mad with power.

DM: You’re able to steel yourself. The foul energy is pushed away. You pour everything you have into a single spell. What spell do you use? What spell in your arsenal will be most effective?
Valan: Babau Slime!
Balisar: SLEEP! (facepalming) Find Familiar! “No! My power EXCEEDS yours!” Magic Missile!

The other players look disgusted.

Balisar: WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME?!
DM: You pour it into a missile which power has never been seen before!
Valan: (cracking up)
DM: Normally the spell pours into multiple magic missiles but you pour it into one huge one!
Valan: Oh, okay. I was thinking, the power of this spell that has never been seen before, it’s like Dan’s fireball.
DM: Slams into his chest. A roar lets out. “Aaah! You have not seen the last of me! ERAAAGH!”
Balisar: “Be away with you!”

The lich explodes! Racist jokes are redacted, and the PCs wake from unconsciousness after an unknown period of time.

DM: You find yourself still in the underground. Still dark. You’re not tied up or anything, but lying on very uncomfortable beds.
Valan: Thri-kreen beds!
DM: Yes.
Elkus: ‘Why am I laying on a pallet of chitin?”

They see the bugs repairing the tunnels and cleaning up after the disaster as they rise, and one races off. They all find themselves healed except for Balisar, who they promptly send into a Lazarus Pit to recover.

Valan: He comes out with a white goatee and an obsession with Batman.
Balisar: “Elkus…”
Elkus: “What?”
Balisar: “Draw your sunblade!”

The light does no harm to him, but his wound burns in its light. Balisar takes this as a sign that his soul remains his own even as his body is compromised.

DM: But you do feel an ounce of power, as if you can draw upon it.
Balisar: The CRYSTALS are mine!
DM: At any time you feel you could draw in an extra spell slot in any slot by drawing on this power, but you have no idea what are the consequences of this action.
Balisar: Excellent, I’m being tempted down the dark bath.
Valan: Blood of Azrai…
Tyr: There’s totally no consequences for doing that.

For some reason the DM doesn’t give them the full 33,000 experience for the lich, but each of them get 1600 for their many battles. The thri-kreen tell them the queen will come to speak to them shortly.

DM: The queen would like to show you appreciation personally.
Elkus: Oh god.
Balisar: Anything for the ladies, Elkus!
Elkus: ‘That’s a lady?! Look at – well, she does have a nice thorax…’
DM: Of all the things you expected, what you saw in the end was not what you got. Before you is not a thri-queen in itself—
Elkus: A thri-queen! Oh man, that works really well!
DM: But more like a spiritual being, I’d call it more like a ghostly elf. Truly almost divinely beautiful as she floats into the room.
Elkus: NOW we’re talking MY level of beauty.
DM: You can see at the ends of her hair as the taint of green energy now left her mind, allowing her to regain control again and bring peace to her plan.
Valan: So that’s the thri-kreen queen—
Balisar: You stay out of this.

The DM explains this is a projection; the queen is too massive to move, so she communicates through projection. The DM describes the effective range of millions of miles, making the players wonder about space-kreen. The queen tells them that the destruction cost them a week of unconsciousness. Balisar has a horrible revelation.

Balisar: ARE MY PUPILS HOURGLASSES? SOMEONE TELL ME NOW. I just remembered what we’re drawing from here!
Valan: That’s what’s-his-name, right?
Balisar: Raistlin. I mean I’ll work with it if they are, I’ll go down that path…
DM: Not quite.

The queen reports the spirit is weak but alive and the egg is safe, but the other eggs are shrouded behind a veil of some sort.

DM: “The land is shifting again. It feels like it’s changing.”
Balisar: “Uh-oh. We need to get back to town.”
DM: “I will have my people guide you back through the shortest path.”
Valan: Back to town. Time for drinking!
DM: It is not long before you arrive back in town.
Valan: Kefka?!
DM: The town seems to have gotten a little bigger. Not too much has changed. Give me a… whatever the look one is.
Elkus: Perception?

They roll! Something seems weirdly wrong to Elkus, though the others aren’t picking it up. He holds them up for a predictable one-second joke.

Elkus: “Something’s not quite right here. I can’t put my finger on it.”
Valan: “Put your FIST on it.”
DM: It’s then that you notice it.
Valan: ‘Knock your head against it, Peregrin Took!’
DM: The symbol for the kingdom is reversed. It’s the same symbol, but it’s like it’s flipped around.
Valan: We’ve pulled a Sliders. We’re in a different dimension.
Balisar: And we bought real estate! God damn it!
Elkus: Maybe it’s already built.
Valan: We’ll run into ourselves of this dimension. You will have no beard. You will have short hair. You will be Asian. Tyr will be a real person instead of a head in a screen! Uhhhh….
Balisar: Come on, come on. Whatcha got for Aurianna?

He has nothing. The PCs speculate, and Balisar rolls History. His knowledge hints that this may be some sort of rebellion or a changing in the hands of the throne, but everything is unclear. They elect to pretend all is normal.

DM: As you get closer to town, passing the usual locations, you find it odd, as you approach the town square – you see Trevor Greens, the mayor, standing at the post where you normally see Alhanna Starbreeze standing behind, gathering the papers, a sort of guild outfit, waiting for adventurers to approach him to take meetings. Seems almost normal. To the left you see the Tempted Cloth. But inside the store you do not see Larry. You see Joshua.
Balisar: If I knew who these people were it would be very meaningful.
Elkus: People we’ve seen before but not in the right spots.
Valan: Someone hacked the server. This is the expansion.

Unsettled by this circumstance, they are not reassured by spotting buildings on the land they’d purchased. Trevor greets them energetically!

DM: “Ah! You’re back already! How were the mountains? The bird-people there were quite intriguing, were they not? Our men did quick work slaughtering them though. I’m sure you found great treasures deep in the pit where their queens were.”
Valan: What? What? What?
Elkus: Should we just smile and nod at this point?
Balisar: Yes. Yes we should.
Elkus: “I’m gonna go to the inn now.”
Balisar: “Anyway. We’re reporting in a successful mission. That’s all.”
DM: “Oh, but before you go! Many treasures were discovered. But we’ll get into that later – “ I have to fucking roll for it… “But don’t worry, we’ll find you soon! It’ll be there in a couple days.”
Elkus: If we ‘corrected’ our treasures into mundane items I am going to be pissed…

They hurriedly excuse themselves to go check the registry of deeds, with Elkus clambering onto Balisar’s back for no good reason.

DM: He has no trouble reading the registry now from his excellent vantage point!
Balisar: “Whyyyy. I’m still wounded.”
Elkus: I’m just on your shoulder!
Balisar: My Strength is 10, you asshole!
Elkus: Yeah, but you’re – how the hell do you keep up your 6’3 340-odd pound body then.
Balisar: Very feebly? My internal strength goes to maintaining it, my external strength is much lower.
Elkus: “You have a very weak core, sir.”
Balisar: “I’m a WIZARD!”
Elkus: “Yes, yes, but core strength is necessary.”
Balisar: “I WIELD THE ARCANE, NOT THE DOWNWARD DOG!”
Aurianna: Do some yoga!
Elkus: “Just saying, maybe some more calisthenics around the core might not be a bad idea.”
Balisar: “But the MIGHT of the ARCANE!”
Elkus: “We’ll start tomorrow.”
Balisar: “NO!”
Aurianna: “Yes! As your cleric—“
Balisar: “You stay out of this!”
Aurianna: “NEVER!”

The register of deeds is Theoden, the prince they aided but now lacking in any signs of royalty! Elkus demands to know which series of Star Trek the DM got the plot from. Balisar drops some obscure history to try to draw Theoden out, but Theoden corrects him on several points.

Balisar: I’ll just turn this +6 to History checks to a -6.

The discussions dissolve into old-game in-jokes. They begin to check the register…

DM: “It’s so odd to see you here, Valan.” He looks at you clearly and pronounces the name of your comrade.
Balisar: (through clenched teeth) ‘Fuck my life.’
DM: “Yes, here, the land in front of you.” You see not your name but his name but in your handwriting on the sheet.
Elkus: Whose?!
Balisar: I have his name.
DM: And it says you have land on the other side of where you purchased it. Seems you had planned to build a brilliant dock.
Balisar: Instead of a trading post, a taking post!
DM: Seems like you wanted to bring in fish of some kind. The dock is almost complete now.
Valan: Fishmonger! Balisar, fishmonger!
Elkus: (laughing his ass off) Fishmonger! I’m going to the inn!
Balisar: Nope. You’re wrong. It’s Valan the fishmonger, thank you very much. Go spread that story, I’m fine with it.
Valan: Balisar, the cowardly barbarian.
Balisar: I’m fine with that too.
DM: “Balisar! Did you want to look at your territory?”
Elkus: “Why not?”
DM: Before you is the land you saw—
Balisar: A church. A church. Please be a church.
DM: It seems like you were planning on building a pig farm.
Elkus: Good money in pigs… “They say the pigs will be coming in probably in six months on the next ship.”
Elkus: “Good lord.”
Balisar: We are the least ambitious bastards ever. What’s wrong with us?

Elkus and Balisar start arguing about if the six month delivery time is reasonable, because they have priorities. Theoden laughs at how they’ve swapped outfits around.

Elkus: Yes! Regale us with a song! Who the hell’s Elkus here?!
Balisar: “There was an incident.”
Aurianna: Who wants to wear my dress?
Balisar: “Bird-people magic.”
Elkus: ‘Spoooooooky magic.’
DM: “I would love to hear a great song! From Elkus over there.” (indicating Tyr) “Elkus! Regale us with a great song.”
Balisar: “He lost his voice.”
DM: “Lost his –“
Balisar: “I TOLD YOU. Bird-people magic.”
DM: “Of course, of course. You all must be tired, why don’t you head to the inn and relax. Don’t worry, I’ll keep your places good and tight.” He closes up the books, put them back on the shelf, and just goes about his business.
Balisar: I give him the thumbs-up and then start power-walking the hell out of time.
Elkus: “Can we at least get a beer?”
Balisar: “It’s probably WINE here.”
Elkus: “As long as it’s wet and alcoholic – oh wait, it’s probably not alcoholic, let’s go.”
DM: Are you heading to the bar?
Balisar: NO! We’re getting the fuck out of town!

They elect to head back to the thri-kreen spirit for lack of a better option – then realize that their compatriots are probably already genociding said kreen as they speak.

Balisar: “Hurry. Hurry. Faster. Force march.”
DM: As you make your way back, it’s as you expected. But oddly enough you seem to have passed – you didn’t notice it the first time, it was more subtle. But now it’s there, clear as day. Almost a wall you pass through.
Elkus: I hope our counterparts – all their classes are tossed around, except for the stats are all the same. Ooof, this is going to be easy!
Balisar: I’m a mighty mighty monk with my 10 Strength.

They approach a small camp, and Elkus readies his pillows in preparation to vigorously smother. But the camp is abandoned save for a smoldering fire, the unextinguised nature of which leads Balisar to name their counterparts most assuredly evil. Given the choice, they elect to follow their other selves’ trail.

Balisar: “If nothing else, stopping our bird-people-slaughtering counterparts will be an act of heroism here.”
Elkus: “Except that we’re disrupting the natural order of things here in this particular world. Is this truly the best thing to do? Or should we concentrate on getting back home?”
Balisar: “They slaughtered. The bird-people. What do you think is going to happen to the next race they visit?”
Elkus: “This is not our world, though.”
Balisar: “Does it matter? If you went to another plane would you just ignore it, because it’s not OUR plane?”
Valan: The Prime Directive states…
Balisar: “What if we went to another continent? Would we then do whatever we wanted – oh wait, we just did that! No! We must! We must – aww shit. I’ve been speechifying too long, they’ve got arrows drawn on us. I hear the dice rolling.”
DM: An arrow shoots past you.
Balisar: (mimes catching it)
DM: …do you try to catch it?
Balisar: No.
DM: They just missed. A very familiar voice shouts at you—
Balisar: (slow-clapping)
DM: He shouts claps?!
Balisar: In your game, I believe.

The game derails into images of PCs cowering, Ripley-style, away from a xenomorph that leans in and deploys a second set of slow-clapping jaws. In actuality, though, they see the strange forms of themselves in different clothing!

Elkus: Am I really wearing wizard robes?
DM: Yes.
Elkus: Those look terrible on me.
DM: “It’s as you said it, Balisar. We really have passed into another world. It’s not where we were. This thri-kreen are still alive.”
Elkus: “So they’re from a different dimension as well!”
Valan: So they’re us, but they’re not…

Turns out the NPC-thems were talking amongst themselves, just loudly. Elkus hails them.

Elkus: “Ho there!”
Valan: Sunblade1
Elkus: “We need not be enemies amongst ourselves, should we?”
DM: In fact, as you look upon them, you notice everything is different about them, not just their names. Elkus appears to be using a sort of harp, but he’s also using it as a bow.
Tyr: That makes me think of Final Fantasy XIV, right there.
DM: Even the Balisar in front of you wearing wizard robes carries a sword.
Valan: Worst cross-class specs…
Balisar: Maybe their classes are better.
Elkus: They’re playing in 3rd edition!
DM: The person you would know as Valan steps forward.
Valan: In a dress.
Balisar: “Balisar… IS ME!”
DM: “Seems off.”
Balisar: “Imagine how we feel. But more than just my name is different. There are many things you do not know.”
DM: “Oh?”
Balisar: “Yes!”
DM: “What don’t we know?”
Balisar: “Well, for example, WEB!”
DM: Well… roll your dice for Web and let’s go for initiative.
Valan: That’s where this was going anyway.
DM: I didn’t say it wasn’t.
Elkus: I was actually gonna try to talk to them …
Balisar: Sorry – they killed all the thri-kreen in their own world!
Elkus: I’m Chaotic Neutral, I’m like whatever…

Initiative indeed ensues! Elkus asks the important question: which one is the healer! It appears to be Tyr. Balisar makes a bad pun and is put on the kill list. Balisar, first to act, busies himself answering questions about Transformers toys for Valan’s benefit. Nega-Elkus is stuck in the web miserably.

DM: He’s upside-down.
Valan: Web turns into a hammock and he falls asleep.

Balisar casts an image of fog. He’s breaking the concentration limit, but the illusion has literally no effect on combat so it all works out somehow. Nega-Tyr smashes out of the web, despite it being a Dex saving throw, and charges in with his mace shimmering with necrotic energy and evil imagery abounding.

Elkus: “I think we now know that WE’RE not the assholes.”
DM: Just barely he slams it into you. 5 points of physical damage and 4 points of unholy damage.

Evil Valan gets stuck in the web! Elkus, up next, realizes he shouldn’t hit people out of the Web with Thunderwave.

Elkus: “Darkmace. Darkmace?! No, that doesn’t work well, it doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as SUNBLADE! RAAAAAH!”
Balisar: ‘No wait, it’s me!’
Elkus: ‘Whoops!’

Elkus easily strikes evil Tyr, and Aurianna casts Bless on the melee. Nega-Balisar breaks free of the web.

DM: He pulls a sword from his belt. “NIGHTMARE!” And charges forward, slamming it, attempting to duel blades with your Sunblade.
Balisar: See, this is when you cast Thunderwave and knock them all back into the webbing.
DM: His blade swings at you! It seems like darkness surrounds it, the very light of it battling against your Sunblade. It is truly a battle against light and night!
Valan: Nightmare battles against Elkus. Out of the ring!
DM: And such WOULD be an epic battle if the webbing had not caught in both his legs!
Balisar: Moradin’s Stoogehammer!
Elkus: “QUITE the difference, he can’t even hold the blame right.
DM: He Meant To Do That, move ten feet in a random direction and provoke any attacks of opportunity – he charges forward, completely, COMPLETELY missing you, maybe it was the blade’s sunlight overwhelming the nightmare blade.

Elkus and Balisar take their AOOs, dealing 10 and 6 damage respectively. Evil Aurianna gets a wall of flavor text about the evil energies at her command, and one woeful line about her still being stuck in the web. Tyr frenzies and charges his counterpart.

Tyr: Which weapon was I actually using?
Valan: Javelins!
Tyr: Ha, javelins…
Elkus: You got an axe, right?
Tyr: I do have an axe. I have a greataxe. I’m going to use that.
Balisar: That would be axe-eptable!
Elkus: Attack OUR Balisar!
Tyr: I have no idea how to interpret that roll.
Elkus: Man, it HAS been too long since we’ve played.

Try whacks evil Balisar for 13 damage because he’s accessible, Valan rolls and dismisses his attack as a miss, is reminded to added his modifiers and Bless die, and hits! He promptly crit-fails on his second attack.

Valan: I broke my leg. My leg goes flying 10 feet behind me…
DM: Your kick overextends, shooting past him. He takes a moment, an opportunity to strike at you. You’re exposed.
Balisar: There goes your groin.
DM: He doesn’t roll too well…

Valan takes 5 points of damage, Evil Elkus, with a mighty effort, still fails to escape the web to the DM’s dismay. Balisar draws his wand and fires it directly into Tyr’s eyeball, dropping him, then scrambles out of easy attack distance.

Elkus: “’Nightmare, Nightmare.’ It’s called SUNBLADE!”
Balisar: “Give him a taste!”
Elkus: (lamely) Hi-yah!
Balisar: God damn it, Elkus.
DM: This is the part that’ll reveal where I got most of it from. As he dies, your comrade Tyr feels a well of energy course through him. You feel stronger. Not a lot, not a great amount. Increase one attribute by one of your choice.

Everyone proclaims Tyr to be the Highlander, except for Valan who insists he’s Jet Li from that one movie. Elkus immediately plots to jump dimensions and murder all his compatriots. Elkus hits with Sunblade, then evil!Valan poofs and reappears next to Elkus.

Balisar: “DUCK!”
DM: He misses!
Elkus: “Thanks!”
DM: The shout from your friend causing you to see it coming. Ducking down below. The second comes in below, a kick!
Balisar: “JUMP!”
Elkus: Hup!
DM: Glowing with energy! Not so lucky this time, your jump was not high enough.
Elkus: “It was worth a try!”
Balisar: “Tuck your legs next time!”
DM: Dealing 7 points of damage!
Elkus: Ow, what a kick!

Aurianna fires a Guiding Bolt at her counterpart, crits with it, and explodes her – gaining an attribute increase for doing so. They propose raise-dead farming.

DM: How could this be? They were the heroes! They were the ones destroying these evil races on this evil land!
Balisar: “Heroes don’t slaughter out of hand!”
DM: “You know nothing of our place! Our world! I’ll kill you.”
Balisar: “Or die trying!”
Valan: We know that you took your land and turned it into a pig farm!
Balisar: ‘I’ll kill me or die trying – wait.”
Valan: What heroes buy property to make a pig farm?
Elkus: ‘It can be profitable, come on guys!’

Evil Balisar talks up his sword as he swings, hitting Elkus for 10. Tyr misses wildly on his first hit and hits on his second, as Elkus remembers he has class features. Valan drops evil Balisar, feeding more power to the dragonborn’s dark mark.

Tyr: This isn’t a good thing to happen…
DM: Elkus seeing his allies falling one by one, he can’t leave the STUPID WEB.
Elkus: “I am not that weak – oh yes I am, sorry. I understand your pa—“ Wait, this is Dex save, right? Oh. “You SUCK!”
DM: The other Elkus strains everything – but STILL cannot break out! What is with these dice, Jesus?! Blows erupt left and right in confusing flurries. Evil Valan is punishing Balisar who is showering evil Elkus with Magic Missiles,

Aurianna: Then it is another Guilding Bolt against Valan, since he’s beating up on poor Elkus – err, poor Valan --- Valan is beating up on Balisar, right? I rolled a 19 on that, he can suck 12 points of damage. I’m not hitting YOU, Valan.
Tyr: Is the guy with the dark blade still up?
DM: He’s down. Your comrade is being punched to death.
Tyr: Okay, I’m gonna beat the guy up who’s punching my comrade,

Tyr deals 18 damage, lopping off evil Valan’s head and powering up not only an attribute, but his punch damage – he gains plus one fire damage as well, as the DM bemoans his inability to give monks magic items.

Balisar: They can use magic staves and swords and stuff.
Elkus: Booooring.
Valan: I prefer flaming fists…
Tyr: Isn’t there one more guy in the web I can run up to and start hacking?
DM: Yes… to give you time, you are easily able to dispatch Elkus. He never did make it out of the web. He was the only one he put a lot of work into and I never got to use him!
Balisar: YES! I boat adventured this…
DM: He was a bard arcane archer, he was gonna play songs and pull out these cool fucking bow attacks.

Elkus gains bow proficiency from this slaughter! A cat jumps on a chair, so the players pause to try to convince the cat to roll up a character. This goes poorly.

Balisar: I spit on my counterpart’s corpse.
DM: Okay…? You gain Conflict? I don’t know. I
Balisar: What?!
DM: I don’t know where to take that!
Balisar: It was ROLEPLAYING, you asshole!

Slaying their counterparts seems to have put the worlds right. Thri-kreen show up, inquiring as to their well-being, to which the group boasts.

Balisar: “Ha ha ha! They knew the might of arcane magic! I trust you’ll make this into a magnificent story, Elkus!”
Elkus: “Guy throws one Web, thinks he’s the best – I’m sorry, excuse me?”
DM: Do you warn them of the idea of others who look like you, to be wary of those who look like you?
Balisar: (incredulously) Yes!

Balisar begins speechifying, as the DM talks over him to get them back to town. All is normal back in town!

DM: You see your empty plot of land. Still empty. Still nothing.
Elkus: Just as it should be!
Balisar: You know if we burned down the hog farm, you’d have a building there.
Elkus: God damn it! Why didn’t we think about the reverse of this?!

The NPCs are all back to normal. The group abruptly realizes that lady-hungry Elkus has yet to charm task board lady Alhanna, and Elkus quickly rectifies this.

Elkus: “It’s good to be back. Two weeks, too long. How ‘bout we…. Peruse and schmooze in the inn later on tonight?”
DM: Give me a Charisma check!
Balisar: Persuasion! Persuasion!
DM: Persuasion check!
Elkus: That’s a 21.
DM: “Oh… whew. So hot under… I have to be here for a little while longer, but I’d be happy to meet you over there.”
Elkus: “Absolutely! We can tie one off, and then maybe a little somenasomnasonathan…”
Balisar: “What was – you muttered a lot there, Elkus, I wasn’t certain what you were saying.”
Elkus: “Don’t bother me while I’m at work.”
DM: You need to a roll the C. That’s called Cockblock. It’s a Charisma roll.
Elkus: If you roll a 20 I will kill Balisar in his sleep.

Balisar fails to derail the conversation and Elkus shoves him aside with a palm to the face. The DM awards them generous experience! Elkus buys everyone drinks on Balisar’s tab! He himself declines to carouse as he works his magic on the girl. The DM calls for three Charisma checks.

Elkus: The first roll was meh, so I didn’t start off strong.
Balisar: I was still there.
Elkus: “WOULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE.”
Balisar: “I want to celebrate our victory!”
Elkus: “Plenty of time for that.”
Balisar: “Aren’t you going to sing a song about it?!”

Elkus’s next rolls seal the deal, though. They now have a week of free time, and carouse! Most earn modest winnings, Balisar breaks even, and Elkus is grateful he doesn’t make an enemy.

DM: It’s late in the night. You wake up, she’s still sleeping next to you. You wrangle yourself away, stretch a little bit. As you look out the inn door, towards the docks, you see an unusual sight. Others have noticed it too. A ghostly ship seems to pull into the dock. Ghostly dockworkers go out, dropping off their ghostly goods. They seem to just walk around, conversate.

The game ends on the spoooooky note of ghostly adventurers and travelers exit the boat – and a young girl leads a process on…

Balisar: Did we just get all War of Souls up in this shit?